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Shane was giddy. He hadn’t been this happy in, well, he couldn’t remember how long.
The All Star Weekend was always a good time. He was always surrounded by the best hockey players in the world, many of whom were good friends. Every year since the first, he’d been honored and thrilled to be selected by the fans as an All Star.
But this weekend was different. There was all of that, of course there was. But this year, he and Ilya would be playing together for the first time. He’d been dying for that chance since their rookie year, and this was finally the first time they would get to do it. They would have one practice as a team tomorrow morning, and then they would play the game the following night. It was East vs West, but more than that it was Hollander and Rozanov on a team together.
But that was the part that everyone knew. The fact that they were playing together made this weekend special.
They didn’t know the half of it.
Shane had broken up with Rose and become a new man. He’d dated the most beautiful, kind, funny, smart woman in the world, and learned more than he’d ever known about himself in the process. After he’d come out to her-more or less against his will, but it had happened-he’d found himself willing to fight for Ilya. He’d found himself willing to fight for himself.
He hadn’t known which Ilya he was going to get when he arrived in the Florida sunshine. Ilya could have been aloof and distant or bitchy and sarcastic. What Shane had gotten had been neither, and instead cute and flirty. Ilya had been checking him out at the bar, eyeing him up and down and complimenting him on his new look. Shane had been ready to tear his clothes off and bite into him right then and there. It had been so hard for Shane to keep his hands off Ilya, the person he’d been dying to see since the first second he allowed himself to want him.
Ilya was the only person who had made Shane feel that way. He’d thought for a long time that it was “men” who made him feel that way, but in the few times he’d tried hooking up with other men, it had never been this.
Ilya hadn’t said anything, but Shane thought maybe he felt it too. Ilya also kept coming back. Ilya also wanted to hold onto the sweet moments just as much as the sex. It was Ilya who had planned their little date in his apartment, who had asked Shane to stay and cuddled with him on the couch for an hour. It was Ilya who had wanted to eat a meal together and sleep together and wake up together.
Shane hadn’t even understood how much he’d wanted those things until they’d been offered to him. It had terrified him at first. But once he’d allowed himself to want, he wanted like crazy.
And now, they were finally in the same place again. It was the first time in weeks. Shane hadn’t been in his presence in too long. Shane was practically vibrating with anticipation. He wanted the sex, of course he did. But he also wanted to hold him and to hug him and kiss him and run his fingers through his hair. He wanted to feel that Ilya was real and alive and here.
Ilya was here, and he was smiling at Shane, and winking, and flirting, and Shane was going to spontaneously combust if he didn’t get his hands on him.
They’d separated at the bar almost two hours ago and Shane had been sure that it had been temporary, that they were going to be sitting together again shortly after that, but then Ilya had disappeared.
Shane mosied through both of the hotel’s bars, the lobby, even checked the lawn outside, and he couldn’t find him anywhere. They were in paradise, and everyone on the premises was cheerful and excited and unbothered by the guy wandering out looking like he was lost. They were in bright clothes with hearty laughter and cheerful smiles, but they were all a blur. They faded into the background and Shane barely noticed them as he looked for the only smile that could matter to him right now.
Jane: Where are you?
Jane: ?
Jane: I’ll buy you a drink
There were no responses to Shane’s texts. He wasn’t worried about it. This was Ilya, he wasn’t exactly known for sitting at the side of the room with his head in his phone when there was a party around him. He would be out somewhere doing something.
Shane poked his head into the restaurant, just in case.
“Hollander!” he heard, but it wasn’t the voice he was looking for.
“Vaughn, Hunter, good to see you,” he said with a nod to the two New York All Stars he’d be playing with. They were both in button down shirts, Scott Hunter’s white with an Admirals logo over the breast pocket and Carter Vaughn’s blue and white. Carter was missing his signature backwards Admirals cap. They both wore easy, relaxed smiles. Shane liked both of them immensely. There were some real jerks in the league, but Carter and Scott had never been anything but nice to him.
Of all of the people in the league, he was pretty sure that the two of them would be most okay if he ever came out to them.
“We were going to head over to the bar down the street to meet some people, want to join us?” Scott asked. He pointed towards the exit doors that were flanked by large ferns.
Shane shrugged, aiming for careless nonchalance.
“Who’s there?”
He thought he pulled it off. They were easy and relaxed, he was easy and relaxed. No one need to know that he was buzzing with energy waiting for the answer.
Carter’s face went to his phone and he rattled off a list of names. Shane’s attention snagged on one.
“Marleau?” he asked. “Anybody else from Boston?”
Carter laughed.
“Rozanov’s not there, you don’t need to worry about that.”
Shane nodded.
“I wasn’t really in the mood for a bar anyway.”
“Suit yourself,” Carter said. “Maybe we’ll see you later.”
“See you,” Scott said, giving him a salute.
Shane didn’t watch them go, he was already turning back towards the hotel bar. Maybe Ilya had circled back there.
He didn’t find Ilya there, but he did find his teammate Hayden Pike, standing with two other defensemen, Mike Brophy of Colorado and Wyatt Hayes of Ottawa. Mike would be playing for the West, but Wyatt would be joining them playing for the East.
This was Hayden’s first All Star game in five years, so Shane was excited to play together in one of these with one of his own favorite teammates. The only year Hayden had previously played, Shane had been out with injury.
And he was stoked that Hayden had gotten the honor. He more than deserved it. He was in the midst of one of the best seasons of his career.
“Shane!” Hayden said, waving him over. “You know Brophy and Hayes.”
They exchanged a round of greetings.
“Some guys are heading to the bar down the street, we were going to join,” Hayden said. “Sounds like the music is good and the drinks are half off.
Even millionaires liked a good deal on drinks, but Shane was focused on his goal.
“Oh, I don’t think I’m in the mood, but have fun,” he told them. “I just ran into Vaughn and Hunter and they’re headed there.”
“Nice,” Wyatt said. “There are people up on the rooftop pool, if you’re in the mood for that instead.”
Hayden and Mike both laughed.
“You’d hate it there, Rozanov’s been in the pool up there for like an hour,” Mike said.
“Shane hates Rozanov,” Hayden agreed, “More than anyone else, I promise.”
You don’t know anything, Hayden.
“He’s been playing with other guys’ kids the whole time,” Wyatt said. “He has endless energy for them. It’s a shame he doesn’t have kids of his own, he loves them.”
Shane’s brain went staticky at the thought of Ilya raising kids of his own. Maybe of their own. Together.
“Rooftop pool sounds fun, actually, I think I’ll check it out,” he found himself saying. He needed to get there now.
Hayden’s head snapped back like he’d done a double take but without looking away.
“You don’t like hotel pools where kids swim,” he said, “You think they’re unsanitary.”
Shane waved a hand.
“It’s fine.”
“You didn’t even bring a bathing suit,” Hayden went on.
“I’m just going to check it out,” Shane replied. “I won’t swim or anything, I’ll just check out the rooftop.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Shane Hollander?” Hayden asked, reaching a hand forward to feel Shane’s forehead, like he was going to discover a 39°C fever.
Shane swatted him away.
“Knock it off, I’m fine. Enjoy the bar,” he said, gesturing to the door to see them off.
“Whatever, weirdo,” Hayden said. Finally, the three did leave. Shane practically raced the elevator the second they were gone.
He was tapping his foot for the entire ride up to his room to find clothes appropriate for sitting on a rooftop. He got dressed at lightning speed and picked up a book in case he needed a reason to stay by the pool a while.
When he was finally on his way up to the rooftop, he kept looking to the side to stare at his reflection. He looked good, if impatient. He carefully schooled his expression to make it pleasant. He put on his sunglasses to be ready for the rooftop sunshine. He looked good but more importantly, Ilya would think he looked good. Honestly, that was all that mattered. Who gave a flying fuck what anyone else thought.
He found Ilya immediately. He wasn’t hard to spot. He was the only adult in the pool and he was surrounded by a bunch of kids. He was standing up dripping wet, with his hair sticking up at odd angles, and he looked like a statue of a god. He belonged in a museum. Golden skin and muscles as far as the eye could see, blond hair and sharp cheekbones. He could have been Achilles ready to go into battle on a Chariot.
He did not look mortal except that his smile was indulgent as he talked to a ten year old in the pool. When Ilya splashed her and set off a splashing war among all of the kids, his laughter rang clear across the pool deck.
Shane was standing by the elevator watching for maybe too long, but he just couldn’t look away. In the corner of his vision he spotted a young woman vacate a chair right next to the pool and he grabbed it before anyone else could.
Ilya caught his eye as he arrived and winked at him. It was so daring, so public, but it felt so intimate. It was just for Shane, even though it was front of a bunch of people. Once again, who had a care for what anyone else here thought. For once in his life, Shane’s brain was too focused on what was in front of him to remember that anxiety would normally flood him at a thought like that. But with Ilya’s naked torso in front of him and the promise of more to come, Shane just couldn’t find it in himself to focus on anxiety.
He loved Ilya with the kids. Ilya was sweet and funny and indulgent, like the fun uncle. The kids clearly adored him. Shane wondered if Ilya wanted kids. He was so good with them.
Shane wasn’t sure if he did, but with the right person, and maybe when his career was over…
He’d never wanted to be the NHL dad whose kids were raised by someone else while he was on the road all the time. But if he was retired, and with someone else who was also retired… maybe then he could want kids. Especially if that person was a devoted loving dad who had probably wanted kids of his own for a long time. Shane was tired of lying to himself. It felt almost like a fantasy.
Ilya smiled at him again from across the pool. Shane didn’t think his sunglasses could hide how fond he must have looked. But then a full face mask couldn’t have. He was hopelessly smitten and he knew it. And from the look on Ilya’s face every time he snuck a glance at Shane, Shane thought he was too.
Tonight, they would definitely see each other. Tonight, they would steal a few hours together while everyone else was partying away at the bar down the street. And Shane would tell him. He’d tell him that this was special, that he was sure of it and he thought Ilya was too. That even though it felt impossible, that he wished with every fiber of his being that they could be together. That coming out to Rose had been the nail in the coffin to pretending he didn’t want Ilya.
Was it different?
Yes.
Was it better?
Every moment with Ilya was better than the best moment with anyone else. This was what he wanted. Even if it had to be a secret, he wanted Ilya to be his. And he wanted to be Ilya’s. And he would finally tell him that, tonight in a hotel room in Florida, far from Russia and from Boston and Montreal and all of the places where the weight of the world was on their shoulders.
Tonight, they could have a moment just to themselves in paradise.