Chapter Text
[Lacus Welt has created a group chat]
[Lacus Welt has named the group chat OPERATION:::: GET MIKA TOGETHER WITH YUU-CHAN]
[Mikaela Tepes, René Simm, Chess :D, and Horn Skuld have joined the chat, invited by Lacus Welt]
Lacus: ok guys this is really important
Lacus: we must and i repeat MUSTTTTT help mika get laid
Horn: Why tho
Mikaela: Oh my god seriously Lacus
Mikaela: I refuse to be a part of this
[Mikaela Tepes has left the chat]
Chess: LMAO.
[Mikaela Tepes has joined the chat, invited by Lacus Welt]
Lacus: nOBODY LEAVES THE CHAT, EVER
Lacus: YOU ARE STUCK HERE FOR ALL ETERNITY
Mikaela: This is stupid
Horn: ^^^^^^Agreement
Chess: you know if we get mika and yuu to hook up this is less pain for all of us.
Horn: How??? PLZ explain
Chess : the sooner they start making out the sooner mika stops giving yuu longing looks.
Lacus: you see????? chess gets it
[Chess :D has been promoted to admin by Lacus Welt]
Chess: hell yes!!
Mikaela: I still refuse to take part in this chat
Mikaela: What about you, Horn?
Horn: IDK man I mean
Mikaela: Oh no
Chess: join us, horn.
Horn: If it gets you to stop
Mikaela: Please Horn
Horn: Ill do it. If it gets you to stop pining after Yuu
Mikaela: hORN
Lacus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mikaela: What about you, René?!
Chess: he’s not here bruh.
Lacus: he probably is tbh just lurking
Mikaela: Come on, René
Mikaela: You know me
Mikaela: I’m your friend right
Mikaela: You think this is stupid right????
Mikaela: You’re the only rational person I know
Chess: boi if rene is dating lacus what makes you think he’s rational LMAO.
Lacus: fuck off chess
Lacus: and if rené says its stupid ill probably cancel the operation because then rené wouldnt let me take part of it anyways
Mikaela: RENÉ
Chess: sHHHH IT SAYS RENE IS TYPING!!!
Horn: This is intense
Chess: SHHhhssHHHhH
Lacus: its been twenty seconds already goddamn rené
René: Mika, while the runners of this operation no doubt need a few more brain cells, the operational idea itself doesn’t really seem all that bad of an idea.
René: Especially if it gets you to stop fucking staring at Yuuichirou all the time.
Chess: the master has spoken!!!!
Horn: Sigh
Mikaela: reNÉ I TRUSTED YOU
Lacus: @ rené this is why youre my boyfriend lol
[Mikaela Tepes has left the chat]
Lacus: mofo
[Mikaela Tepes has joined the chat, invited by René Simm]
Lacus: yes best boyfriend
Chess: rene how do you the fancy thing????
René: The what.
Chess: you know….
Chess: the thing that makes your name look less “ren-eh”
Chess: And more “ren-AYYY”
Horn: é ← This thing?????
Chess: yAA
René: Hold down the E on your keyboard.
Chess: oH ok i see!!
Chess: rené.
Chess: this is too much work.
Chess: maybe i’ll just call you renAYYYY.
Lacus: lmao renAYYYY
Mikaela: How is this chat any different from the 7 other fucking chats we have
Horn: In this one René is now RenAYYYY
[Lacus Welt has changed the group name to HAIL THE KING, RENAYYYY]
René: I hate every single one of you.
Mikaela: Calm your tits RenAYYYY
René: I expected more of you, Mikaela.
Mikaela: So did I, RenAYYYY
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Lacus: greetings, young padawans
Lacus: its always great to start days bRIGHT AND EARLY WITH A DASH OF ROMANTIC LOOOOOOVE
Lacus: so WAKE UP AND GET YOUR GROOVE ON!!!!!!
Horn: Its six am
Lacus: i spammed the other chats with memes but i think you guys have all muted those so i just really hoped yall hadnt muted this one yet lmao
Chess: tImE tO wAkE Up mIkA AnD rEnE!!!
Horn: Oh my god dont type like that
Lacus: sadly this wont be enough to wake up rené the man can sleep through a class four hurricane peacefully
Lacus: this is unfair someone in china could fucking sneeze and id wake up
Horn: Youd think it would be the other way around considering your personalities
Lacus: thats what everyone says
Chess: okay but if rene sleeps oh so peacefully what the hell are with those eyebags?
Chess: that’s like
Chess: some prada or gucci kinda bag levels of impressiveness?
Lacus: shut up i think theyre hot
Mikaela: I could’ve fucking SWORN I muted this chat
Mikaela: And BLOCKED it
Lacus: glad to see you didnt
Lacus: hey you live closest to rené
Lacus: do us a favor and go upstairs and try smothering him with a pillow he only wakes up if hes hungry or someone is attempting to kill him
Lacus: i should know i got mad once and got a pair of scissors to cut off his hair in a fit of anger but then i came really close to stabbing him and decided ‘nah’ but as soon as i drew away he fuckign w oke up
Chess: lacus what the fuck???
Horn: ^^^^^^^^ ?!?!!?!!!
Mikaela: I’m not getting in the elevator at six in the morning to break into his apartment and smother him with a pillow
Lacus: is it because ferid lives on the same floor
Mikaela: Well that’s half a reason yes but the other half is the fact that I am NOT SMOTHERING YOUR BOYFRIEND
Lacus: i’d dO IT MYSELF BUT I KINDA LIVE HALFWAY ACROSS TOWN?????????
Mikaela: THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO LACUS NO
Lacus: ARE YOU SAYING YOU WOULDNT SMOTHER YUU-CHAN TO GET HIS ATTENTION?
Mikaela: I WOULDN’T
Horn: JFC this is LITERALLY the Salty Memes chat
Chess: yeah for some reason we always argued more in that chat?
Lacus: its because we were all salty
Chess: okay if we held a knife above rene would that be enough to wake him up because i’m making myself a sandwich rn and this thought just occurred to me.
Horn: TBH René is probably actually awake and is just lurking as we discuss ways to murder him so he can wake up
Mikaela: Wait Horn did I leave my chemistry notes at your house?!
Horn: BRB Ill check
Chess: oh yeah i keep forgetting i need shinoa to give me my stockings back but she still hasn’t.
Lacus: strangle her with your headband
Mikaela: Why must you always default to murder?
Chess: because he’s a terrible person.
Lacus: see you in hell motherfuckers
Chess: i just want my fucking stockings back i’m not killing her with my headband.
Mikaela: Is that even possible
Lacus: probably
Mikaela: I wouldn’t be surprised I guess
Chess: why are our chats more active in the mornings??? aren’t we supposed to be too busy dying inside to actually give a fuck about one another?? and therefore wouldn’t spam each other with messages?
Lacus: i text because im bored idk about yall
Mikaela: Honestly, same.
Lacus: oh yeah i guess i gotta change the chat name again because weve forgotten the objective again
[Lacus Welt has changed the group name to GET MIKA LAID]
Mikaela: God damn it
Horn: BACK and yeah Mika you did
Mikaela: GOD DAMN IT
Chess: holy shit guys i’m abo utto miss my train beyE!!!!!!
Lacus: kill me i have a syllabus due today UGGGHHHH
Horn: Professor Hiragi?
Lacus: who else
Lacus: okay im serious this time someone should probably wake up rené
Mikaela: He’s your god damn boyfriend you do it yourself
Lacus: if yuu-chan was your boyfriend youd want me to save him potential mistakes and embarrassments wouldnt you?
Mikaela: Don’t you dare do this to me!
Horn: JFC Ill fucking do it myself and bring you your notes Mika I guess Ill even make you lunch while Im at it
Mikaela: Thank you Horn you are a blessing you are Jesus you are everything this world needs to be.
Horn: Last part was sarcasm
Mikaela: Are you kidding me the free lunch part was the best thing I’d read in six months
------
René: WOW I thought we couldn’t get more violent than the Deepdick Pizza chat but no we’ve outdone ourselves con fucking gratulations you cunt faced shits.
----
Chess: HOLY SHIT who pissed rene off and why haven’t i seen the video yet?!?!?!?!
Lacus: idk but i dont really care because professor hiragi didNT ACCEPT MY SYLLABUS
----
Lacus: PSSSSSTT MIKA HE SSTARING AT YoU
Mikaela: What?!
Lacus: YUUU CHANNN
Lacus: DO SOMETHING HOT, LIKE PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH OR SOMETHING
Mikaela: Lacus what the FUCK
Chess: do it for the vine.
Mikaela: NO SHUT UP
Lacus: I CAN SEE YOUR PH ONE FROMHERE PUT IT AWAY NOW
Lacus: professor karr let him off with a warning
Chess: lmao rip mika karr’s warnings are terrifying.
Horn: IKR
Lacus: legit
Chess: i swear he’s secretly twelve years old.
Chess: you can’t be twenty six and THAT young looking???
Horn: ^^^^^^^ TRUE
René: It’s my lunch period.
Lacus: why hello to you too
René: Do I look like I know how to start a conversation?
Chess: no.
Lacus: considering that your profile pic is of a snake you saw at petco once and animals dont have the brain cognition to speak the human language, no, you dont
René: Smartass.
Lacus: well the squad is mostly here so lets discuss
Lacus: i vote that we tell yuu-chan we are setting him up for a blind date and BAM
Chess: don’t you think that’s too cliche?
Horn: What if we sent Yuu love letters signed in Mika’s name?
René: Those are both terrible ideas.
Horn: OH MISTER I WANT TO SEE YOU COME UP WITH SOME?????
René: How about we let them do it at their own pace.
Chess: nO.
Horn: HELL NO
Horn: Chess Mika and I didnt interfere with you two because we wanted to let you go at your ‘own pace’ and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
René: We got together didn’t we?
Chess: after like two and a half years of painfully secret longing looks and The Eggnog Incident.
Lacus: hush we all agreed we would never speak of that
Chess: look the thing is we can’t let them go at their own pace because terrible things happen.
René: Yeah I fail to see how but alright.
Horn: Not to be rude but why the hell is René the smartest and yet stupidest person in this god damn chat
René: Offense.
Chess: probably because he’s harder to take seriously with the snake as his profile picture???? LMAO
Lacus: WAIT WAIT YUU-CHAN IS APPROACHING MIKA
Horn: Exciting.
Lacus: “You wanna go see a movie with me” SAY HELL YES MIK A
Lacus: USE THE CHANCETO SMOOCH ON HIS SCHMOOOOVE ASS
Chess: SAY YES MIKA.
Lacus: “I have to study later but I can postpone it for you” WOW
Lacus: THAT’S
René: That’s gay.
Horn: ^^^^^^^^ Yeah
Lacus: “Thats great! Just you and I then?” “Thats fine with me” GOD FUCKING
Lacus: GUYS STOP DOING THISTO U S PLEASEjUST GO OUT ALRAEDY
Chess: WHY AREN’T I HERE TO WITNESS THIS
Horn: OMG
Lacus: “I dont have any money for popcorn blah blah something about Guren” “Oh thats okay Im willing to pay for you Yuu-chan” im
Lacus: im dying
Horn: Im dying and Im not even there to witness it
René: FRUSTRATION.
Chess: THIS IS WHAT WE FELT, RENE.
Horn: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
René: WELL I NEVER NOTICED HE WASN’T ALL THAT DIFFERENT FLIRTING WITH ME THEN HE NORMALLY IS?
Chess: are
Chess: are you saying lacus regularly told you that your face belonged only on the dankest of memes.
Lacus: yes
Horn: WOW
Chess: i’m almost impressed.
René: What’s happening now?
Lacus: theyre talking but i cant hear them oh my god my gay children
Horn: If theyre your children does this mean theyre my grandchildren? Since you guys call me squad mom
Lacus: well tbh we call both you and rené squad mum but since rené is going to be my lovely wife one day but rené’s “mum”-ness only appears once in a while so i guess…..yeah youre the grandmum
René: Wait why am I the wife again?
Lacus: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Chess: does that make me the totally magnificent aunt or great aunt?
Lacus: well youre basically my twin sister who isnt related to me at all so aunt i guess
Chess: HAHAHA horn is old!!!!
Horn: Fuck off Chess
Lacus: hey if we did this by age then chess youre the grandma and horn is the youngest child
Lacus: wait if we did this all by age…
Lacus: chess and mika are the grandparents, im the single dad and rené and horn are my beautiful children who are both a month younger than me
Horn: Ew
Lacus: alternatively rené is my beautiful wife and horn is our beautiful child
René: Okay but why am I the wife?
Lacus: arent bottoms usually waifus
Chess: yuORE A B OTTOm WHa T
Horn: WOW
René: I AM NOT A BOTTOM.
Lacus: okay honey boo ill tell you that the next time you ride my fucking DICK
René: YOU DO IT AS MUCH AS I DO.
Chess: THIS IS GROSS YET FANTASTICAL IMAGERY.
Horn: WOW JUST WOW
[Chess Belle has changed the group chat name to RENE BOTTOMS MY LIFE IS COMPLETE]
René: I DO NOT.
----
Mikaela: Its my free period and what the FUCK HAPPENED HERE
Horn: So much. So much happened
Mikaela: RENÉ DO YOU REALLY--
Mikaela: Wow I can’t believe I missed this
Chess: look that information is wonderful but bOY WHAT ABOUT YO DATE WITH YUU????
Mikaela: We’re just going to see a movie?
René: If you’re ‘just going to see a movie’ then Lacus and I ‘just made out’ in the band room when we were in high school.
Chess: HOLY SHIT BOY GET SLAMMED ON.
Mikaela: René you’re supposed to be the one person I can rely on in this chat
Mikaela: I fucking hate all of you
[Shinoa the Babe has created a group chat]
[Shinoa the Babe has named the group chat SaveCherryBoy2k16]
[Narumi Makoto, Yuu Ichinose, Kimizuki Shiho, Mitsuba Stop Calling Me Micchan Shinoa, Asura Tepes, and Yoichi Saotome have been added to that chat, invited by Shinoa the Babe]
[Mitsuba Stop Calling Me Micchan Shinoa has been promoted to admin by Shinoa the Babe]
[Narumi Makoto has been promoted to admin by Shinoa the Babe]
[Asura Tepes has been promoted to admin by Shinoa the Babe]
Shinoa: hello everyone~!!!!!!!
[Narumi Makoto has left the chat]
Shinoa: aw. i even made him admin and everything.
Mitsuba: what the fuck is this Shinoa
Shinoa: well after watching yuu-san’s spectacular fail at his one shot to possibly lose his virginity i decided we needed to take a few drastic measures~!!!
Shinoa: also i got the idea from chess
Mitsuba: wow and i thought we were done creating new chats after Yuu made the one dedicated solely to chicken nuggets
Yuu: I WAS DRUNK AND WTF SHINOA
Shinoa: chess said it was lacus’s idea to create a chat surrounding their love lives, more or less!
Shinoa: so now here we are ;-)
Kimizuki: oh fuck no
Shinoa: i see kimizuki has arrived!
Yuu: OKAY BUT WHY WOULD YOU
Yuu: if LACUS FUCKING WELT came up with an idea that was approved by CHESS BELLE
Yuu: WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT IDEA WAS A GOOD ONE?
Kimizuki: for once i agree with yuu
Yoichi: ahhh pls don’t fight and spam my phone again im in the mi ddle of tutoring
Mitsuba: i’ll only stay in this chat if within a week you have a decent plan to help Yuu grow a fucking pair
Yuu: MITSUBA
Yuu: I TRIED OKAY??? i tried asking him out but i forgot to mention i meant it as a dATE
Yoichi: Disappointment
Yuu: shut up yoichi shouldn’t you be fuck ign tutoring rn
Shinoa: this is precisely why we needed a new group chat~!!!!
Mitsuba: i can’t believe you dragged poor Asura into this mess though
Mitsuba: he’s an innocent
Mitsuba: and doesn’t deserve this
Shinoa: but, you see, as dear mikaela’s uncle-of-sorts he has direct access to communication with both mika’s mom and mika himself~!
Kimizuki: yeah but so does yuu so?
Shinoa: hush child, this is a good plan. i even got my dear older brother in on the plan.
Mitsuba: oh god i hope you mean Shinya and not the others
Shinoa: of course i mean shinya but seishiro does owe me a favor….hm.
Yuu: how would that asshole be of ANY help???
Shinoa: while chess didn’t tell me some of the JUICIER details of that chat, lacus is ‘friends’ with seishiro...which most certainly means lacus spams him all the time.
Shinoa: there’s a possibility lacus will let something spill and i can asks seishiro for info~!!!!
Kimizuki: this is a terrible idea
Mitsuba: honestly if Lacus tells Seishiro any of this do you think Lacus will live to see the age of twenty two
Shinoa: probably not, no
Shinoa: rip lacus he’ll probably die.
Shinoa: but i still have chess to blackmail into giving me information, so it’s all good!
Yuu: you hiragis are terrifying don’t do this to innocent people JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO ‘save me’
Shinoa: i’m tired of watching you blunder about dear mika. you’re making the poor boy suffer.
Mitsuba: yeah you are
Kimizuki: yuu just straight up say ‘yo wanna go on a date with me’ and if he agrees to take your stupid ass out
Kimizuki: keep him
Kimizuki: and never let him go because you’re never going to find someone like that again
Yuu: fuck off kimizuki!
Yuu: asura my man where are you
Yuu: please tell everyone in this chat this plan sucks
Yuu: everything in this chat sucks!!!
Mitsuba: do you honestly think he’ll answer his phone
Yuu: no but it was worth a shot i FUCKING hate all of YOU
Shinoa: and we love you too, our dear cherry boy ;-)
Yuu: how will this accomplish anything at all?
Shinoa: hush now, I think it's brilliant.
Mitsuba: only you, Shinoa
Kimizuki: wow i just
Kimizuki: why must we do this
Shinoa: shhhhh, i already have a plan formulated....
Yoichi: Uh oh