Work Text:
Good Day.
To whom has found this
My name is Julian. I was born in late June of 2004, a child of a broken union. When i was 3 my father faded from my life before i could even understand what a father's responsibility is, the day he left me silenced lasted years. I spent my early childhood in speech therapy, struggling to find the words to express the shallow hole in my heart. It took a long time to learn how to speak; now, i wonder if i have too much to say.
As i began my years in education, it has been a decade of constant shifting. I've looked in the mirror and see a body that feels like it was built as a cage, a "build" that i am convinced that will lead me to an early coffin that people will view me like a meuseum artifact. I believed that my parents try to inspire me to make a change, to lose the burden of the weight i carry like an armor made out of iron, but food is the only thing that quiets the noise. It is my ONLY comfort, even as it makes me a target for the cruelty of others.
I have walked through life with several different circles of friends, people like May, Leah, Sam, and Zach who have carried my life and made life feel a little less cold. They've kept me from the edge of lonliness, yet i often feel lost within myself. Even among my closest friends the ones i trust to help me survive. I fear that i am too much, until the point where i am wounded by how i question how i can be good towards everyone.
While i have had these emotions there were times that i have made several attempts on the stairs the bathroom with my belt , or have cutted myself with the keys that opens to the door of my own home. I am sorry i have an emotional overdrive that feels impossible to communicate.
In late June 2014, these stakes have changed. My family had found out i have a kidney problem. Now i watch my mother's eyes and bank account drain slowly from the amoount of maintenance i take every day. Not only that i struggle to find any form of father figure, especially i tried now with my uncle who isn't really responsive at all. I tend to wake up wondering if i've showed enough love toward my family.
miss the friends I’ve lost along the way, like Nate and Joe. I know I was the one at fault sometimes, and I’d give anything to relive the laughter we shared. To my batchmates and the people I’ve met globally from school to my extracuriculars Thank you. Especially to my closest friend, the one who saw me grow for a 5-6 years straight: without you, there is no Julian. You are the reason I am still here.
And to my partner, Den please take care of yourself. If I couldn't learn to love myself, let my life be the lesson that teaches you to cherish yours. Thank you for loving me despite my flaws.
I am a person of many battles. I’ve questioned who I am, eventually finding peace in being Pansexual and Demisexual. I’ve fought battles with lust and silent failures, trying to stay strong in a world that feels like it's closing in. This is me. This is what I leave behind.
Goodnight, Good Morning, and Good Afternoon
I am sorry for what you have seen or read is not what you uwanted.