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Truth be told, Pecco was not doing alright.
His absolute disaster of a season in 2025 had left him feeling hollow and worthless, and 2026 has not been much better. He has 3 championships for fucks sake, he should not be riding like this and he knows it. His latest retirement in Jerez logically may not have been his fault, but it sure feels like it is. He has to have fucked up somewhere, right? Something he did has to have caused it, and it drives him crazy that he doesn't know what it is. Could it have been something as simple as a brief thought? Did he talk to someone he shouldn't have? Did he wear the wrong clothes? Maybe it could have been the food he ate that morning, or the time he left his motorhome.
He had gotten home days ago, but he can’t stop spiraling in these thoughts. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with him? The only times he has been able to get out of bed were to take care of Turbo, because really, what's even the point of caring for himself? He’s not even sure when he ate last, but he doesn't have an appetite anyways. Just a sick feeling in his stomach that he has been long acquainted with. He hasn't texted anyone, and he wonders if they've even noticed. Surely, everyone must be as sick of him as he is with himself. He's always been weird and kind of a loser, struggling with social cues and understanding others, but now he’s just a pathetic has been, isn't he? He feels bad for the people who have to be around him, he does nothing but disappoint them.
Laying in his bed, he makes a decision. One he should have made a long time ago, honestly. He gets up to start looking for a piece of paper, he ends up grabbing a data sheet and turning it over. It's not like he's going to need it anymore, and it was useless anyways. And then, he starts to write. It's not clean by any means, his normally neat hand writing fast and sloppy as he details why he's doing this and what he wants to happen to him. He knows how selfish it is to request anything after what he's going to do, and he feels disgusted with himself. In the end, he knows that if god is truly real hell is going to be his final destination, so this is just another sin to add to his pile. He leaves the paper on his night stand, wondering if anyone will even read it.
He changes into his favorite outfit, he knows it's stupid but it feels right to go in the familiar clothes he's put on time and time again because wearing them quiets down some of the things in his head. This whole time, Turbo has been watching him while laying in his small bed in the corner of his room. The dog seems confused, and it makes Pecco's heart ache. For a second, it's almost enough to get him to sit his ass back down and forget this ever happened, but he knows the dog will be well taken care of. He and Bez had a standing promise that if anything ever happened to either of them, the other would take their dog in. He sighs and kneels down to scratch Turbo, and tries to not think about Bez. And well fuck, because now he is completely failing. His beautiful Marco, who he never thought he deserved. They've truly been through everything together, haven't they? They were each others firsts in so many things, and Pecco is glad he is going to be his last.
He gives the dog one final pat before whispering goodbye, and he feels guilty when Turbo follows him out of the room. He doesn't even know what time it is, some time in the evening maybe. He fills Turbos food and water bowls one last time, which seems to make his small friend happy. He can't resist giving him one of his favorite treats before he slips on his shoes and grabs his keys. He gets behind the wheel of his car and just sits for a few minutes, feeling something he doesn't have the words to describe. It's almost like overwhelming sorrow and dread but a void of nothingness all at the same time. He's been sucked into something he will never get out of. For months he's gone deeper and deeper, and it has all led to this moment. He runs his hand over his face and finally put the key in the ignition, starting the car and pulling out of the driveway.
It was quiet, eerie even with the knowledge of what he was going to do. He didn't bother to turn any music on, both because he wasn't in the mood and because he didn't think it was a pleasure he deserved even if he was. Driving past familiar places filled with memories, he almost reconsidered. But, he can't back down now can he? That would just make him more of a coward then he already is. So, he kept going. Past that restaurant Bez always loved to order in from, even if it definitely wasn't in their diets. Past the flag pole that Cele licked one winter before everything started going down hill, just to see what would happen (Obviously, his tongue got stuck. It was hilarious.). Past the park with the ice cream truck that they always visited when the rest of the academy would meet up at his house, just to feel like kids again for an afternoon. He drove past it all, until he was no longer haunted by past laughter and the faces of his friends. And then he kept going, until his surroundings didn't hold an ounce of recognition.
It was well into the night once he decided he was far enough away from the remains of his life. He was nearing the end of his quest, he just needed to find his final destination. Soon enough, he found a bridge overlooking a barren highway that seemed like it would do. So, he pulled over and parked his car, leaving the keys in one of the cup holders so it would be easier to move. Getting out of the car, his head was buzzing. Walking to the edge didn't feel real, the world was blurry and it felt like he was drowning. Even in his lifetime of riding bikes, crashing, and even getting run over at one point, he had never felt anything close to what he was feeling as he gripped the concrete edge. But, he didn't jump. He just stood there, breathing heavy, past overwhelmed at all the things flying inside of his head. Nothing was clear, and he felt his face getting wet. Tears, he was able to put together. He had no idea how long he was at that physical and mental edge, going back and forth between what to do. To him, it could have been five minutes, or it could have been five hours. But, eventually he collapsed with his back against the concrete barrier, his head in his hands as his body began to shake as he sobbed. He didn't feel like he was in his own body, just an outsider who had the misery of feeling the pain, while at the same time not feeling it at all.
Pecco was tired. Tired of going through horror after horror each day. Tired of not being enough. Tired of just not being able to do anything right, he couldn't even do this. He was also just physically tired. When was the last time he slept? Now he wishes he was at home, warm in his bed with Bez clinging to his side and Turbo curled up somewhere with them, even if he technically wasn't allowed there. In the mess of his head, only one thing is clear: he wants his Marco. He may not deserve him, especially right now, but the sudden yearning was so intense he whined without even noticing. He wants him here right now, even if he knows it isn't possible. He can't even call him, having left his phone at home. He wrapped his arms around himself while he subcountably rocked slightly back and forth. It took him a bit to settle down, but eventually he was able to stumble back to his car. Seeing himself in the mirror, he knew this is by far the worst he's ever looked. It makes him grimace, further disappointed in himself for being so pathetic. He really doesn't have the energy for this, and it's definitely not safe for him to drive, but with shaky hands he took the keys from the cupholder he left them in. He was able to get it in after a few tries, and he started the car and his journey home.
By the time he had gotten back to the town he lived in, the sun had already risen. He just had the worst night of his life, but the world around him continued to wake up like normal. He almost wished it didn't, but then he felt the guilt and disgust at himself for even briefly thinking so selfishly. Finally reaching his house, he furrowed his brow in confusion when he was greeted by a car in his driveway before it was quickly replaced by fear and anxiety. Because fuck, thats Marcos car. While yes, he still desperately wanted to be with the other, he never wanted him to find out about what happened that night. And with the early hour, there is no way he didn't get here some time yesterday after he left, meaning that by now he had to have seen the note that he left. Still, he had no choice but to pull in. Quite frankly, he was terrified. There's no way Bez isn't going to hate him after this, right? He tried to leave him after all, he honestly can't understand why he would still be here.
Dead on his feet, Pecco got out of the car and made his way to the front door as he decided to just get it over with. There's no point in delaying the inevitable, so he's not even going to try. After opening the door, the first thing he saw was a red and puffy eyed Bez sitting on his living room couch. He looked sleepless and his hair was messy like he had been gripping it with his hands for a long time. After a moment he immediately sprung up from the couch and rushed to the entry way, gripping Pecco in a tight hug, which he returned. "Franci, oh my god Franci. I- I thought you were dead," he said with a shaky voice filled with sadness and devastation, but also relief. "You weren't responding to anyone and Vale said to maybe just give you some space, so I did for almost a day, but then I was so worried that I decided to just drive over here but then your car wasn't in the driveway and there wasn't any sign of you anywhere and then oh my god," He cut off his spiral with a sob, and Pecco could feel that he was going to start crying again too. Bez tried to take a deep breath before continuing, but it did nothing to help "The note, Pecco. I found the note." Then, somehow he gripped him tighter before continuing, "That was the worst moment of my life," he admitted in a quiet and broken tone that Pecco has never heard from him before, and never wants to hear again. With both of them now crying, it would be a good time for him to say something. He wanted to, but his body physically wouldn't let him. He has to settle for just squeezing a little tighter, wishing he was just normal. He hates when he goes nonverbal, but Bez has always been understanding of it. He seems to have already noticed what was going on, or assumed it was happening from knowing him so well.
"You don't have to say anything, Franci, just- It felt like my entire world was ending. I didn't know what to do and- I wasn't even able to tell anyone. I couldn't even send a fucking text because trying to say the words felt like dying," His voice cracked, and Pecco doesn't think hes ever felt this terrible in his life. When he stepped in the door he didn't think Bez would be upset like this, he thought he would be angry, yelling at him about how selfish he is. Not this, he wasn't prepared for this. Bez let go to take his face in his hands, to truly look at him. Both of them looked absolutely terrible, Pecco more so. And then Bez sighed, "I- Pecco, I'm so sorry." he said in that terrible broken tone again, which made him feel horrible. It also made him confused, why is Bez apologizing to him? He did nothing wrong, he shouldn't be the one saying sorry. It must have shown on his face, because he continued, "I should have noticed you were getting this bad. I should have come home with you after the race. I should have just done nothing at all, but I left you all alone." He sounded absolutely shattered, and clinged back to Pecco like he was making sure he could never leave again. "I'm sorry," he said again with his face buried in Pecco's neck. He really wished he was able to reassure Bez that none of this was his fault, he would be telling him as much the second he could.
Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, just crying in each others arms. But then, Bez did pull away. "Bed?" He questioned simply, and Pecco nodded. Bez grabbed his hand, not wanting to lose any contact to head upstairs. Turbo, who had been watching from a distance because he knew something was wrong but couldn't understand what, followed them up. Even though they should've, both of them were both much too tired to change, so Bez just grabbed Pecco and dragged him under the covers. He was wrapped around him immediately, so close where you couldn't tell where one ended and the other one began. Turbo jumped onto the bed, and cuddled next to his human because he knew he was upset, the dog would never know it but his efforts did in fact bring some comfort. The two of them had a lot to talk about for sure. Bez was going to do everything to get Pecco the help he needs, and be there for his boyfriend every step of the way. But for now, they drift off to sleep together, Bez whispering how much he loves him and pressing a kiss in his hair.