Work Text:
It was only four hours post-launch of the Hail Mary. Eva Stratt had been in front of what was now over a hundred eyes in person, millions physically. She was tired, but knew she had to make an appearance this evening with the staff and auxiliary crew to celebrate. All she could manage was the quiet corner at the back of the bar, watching the celebration unfold.
She had found herself often thinking of Ryland Grace today. Even now, she looked for his sweater, his godawful shirts, his glasses askew. Instead, Dr. Lokken approached her. Two glasses in hand.
“Eva, you don’t have to look so depressed. It’s customary for nearly every culture to celebrate when good things happen. This is quite the good thing…” She passed the glass over, brushing fingertips. “Here, to the Hail Mary.”
Lokken held her glass up to toast. Eva sighed, sniffing the liquid and crinkling her nose. It was strong, earthy, and despite her best judgment, she tapped the glass against Lokken’s and drank.
It burned, Stratt keeping a straight face despite the jet fuel coating her throat. Lokken smiled, leaning against the bar to watch the party. “We’ve worked together for quite some time. Almost a year now?”
“Yes, nearly. Forgive me, this…” She paused to swirl the drink left in her glass before setting it down. “May just be a bit too much ‘celebration’ for me, Dr. Lokken.”
“Call me Amira, please.” Eva watched as she took the glass, dumping the contents into her own and finishing it off. A remarkable scientist, well-versed in both physics and biology, and yet unconcerned with the unprofessionalism that comes with too much to drink. She wished she could say the same about herself.
“Well, Dr. Amira. Sharing a drink cannot be the only reason you came. What is it you want?”
She sighed, watching the party for a few moments. Some of the Russian team members were singing offkey to a folk song, teaching some of the other crew a dance. It was loud, joyous, and exactly where neither woman wanted to be.
“Should we take a walk? I’ve been inside all day, I’d like some air, and you look uncomfortable.”
Stratt knew that there was something underneath Dr. Lokken’s words. It was there in every syllable, yet never said out loud. She wished the woman would be comfortable enough to speak freely. But she had made no effort to cultivate a friendship, so it did not surprise her. She simply nodded, and followed her out.
~~~
The sunset and clouds echoed the plumes of debris that puffed out from underneath the rocket. Eva watched the fence line around the launch pad approach, letting the ache of Grace’s absence weigh on her. Of everyone, Lokken seemed the safest to mourn near. The other woman hadn’t said a word since she stepped out of the building. She took a moment to bow her head, a prayer for his safety resting just within her lips.
“You didn’t give him a choice, did you,” Lokken remarked. There was nothing in her voice now. No judgment. No question. No anger or grief or frustration. Simply eight words.
Stratt stopped moving, wind whishing through her hair as she let them sink deep, nearly reaching where her grief sat.
“What?”
“Grace. You did not give him a choice to go. I can’t say I’d have done the same, but I would never have gotten into your shoes.”
Is that it then? Stratt stared at the woman, quiet and furious. She had done everything to ensure mission success. She had done something unthinkable in sending the one person she had felt would complete her, could share a life with her, even if it was not what the rest of the world would expect, away to die light years from here for the sake of the world. She had fought herself every step of the way to that. She had screamed and cried herself to sleep. And here Lokken stood, having the audacity to act like she could have ever done better.
Anger crept into her voice as she kept her teeth clenched. “When you stand on the edge of a cliff, there is not much better to do than jump. Grace was our only chance.”
Lokken sighed, sliding her hands into her pockets as she took the next step. “You’ve been jumping for months, Stratt. Why don’t you take a step back for once?”
She watched Dr. Lokken walk away, working to keep her anger and frustration in check. She made it sound so easy. As if Eva had simply not tried to do so early on in the shrieking sprint that was this project. As if she had chosen to throw herself at the mercy of the world and never question it.
But she had. At every turn when a safer or more reasonable option presented itself, Eva marched on with what would be the best and fastest way to save her world. She had recruited Lokken for the centrifuge, Ryland for the guinea pig testing, Dr. Leclerc to destroy Antarctica, even Dr. Redell to pave the Sahara. Every turn she had thrown herself down on the guillotine of the world without question. She had chosen this, she had decided to be the whipping boy for the world, and to step off the cliff.
Ahead, Dr. Amira Lokken stopped. She turned, looking back to Eva Stratt. Longing and exhaustion sloped her shoulders down.
“You could start by continuing to walk, Eva…”
~~~
The trial room for the united nations was as boring as every other trial room. The men who had set her up to fall on their sword watched as she answered every question honestly while on the stand. Her lawyer, because yes she had been smart enough to set aside funds for a lawyer early in the project. When she had space between speaking, she searched those in attendance. Dr. Lokken, her only remaining confidante, sat amongst those called. She nodded to the woman who nodded back. A quiet affirmation of what was to come.
When the court went to recess, she was taken back to her home for her arrest. She would wait for a few minutes before the knock came. Despite knowing exactly who would be there, she looked through the peephole to see Dr. Lokken holding up a case of her beer. Eva smiled despite herself, opening the door.
“One day they won’t let you come up to the door anymore, Lokken.”
Her friend sighed, smiling. “That will be the day you are locked up or finally move out of this old place. What movie are we watching?”
Eva simply shook her head and lead her to the kitchen so they could eat and drink together, eventually moving to her living room where an old art film was pulled up. She had no real intention of watching it despite having done so every other time. Tonight, she simply wanted her friend. The two year anniversary of the Hail Mary’s launch had passed only the day before, and her Ryland Grace shaped hole in her heart had grown yet again.
When the movie ended, Lokken was half asleep on Eva’s shoulder. They had ended nearly every night like this when they spent time together, Lokken waking to go home when Eva whispered against her temple. She went to do the same this night, accidentally meeting Lokken’s cheek as the other woman sat up.
The two stared at one another for a moment before Lokken sighed softly and moved closer to her. “Let me stay one night, Eva. It will not end the world if you do.”
Knowing who she was, it surprised her when she nodded and helped Lokken to stand. It was only the second time Lokken had asked this of her, and how easily she fell to the wish was almost frightening. Yet, she still guided her up the stars, gave her a set of her own pajamas, and watched her collapse into the bed.
She did not sleep. Dr. Amira Lokken, the only person to have come as close to her as Grace did, was beside her.
A part of her ached for Grace, and his gentleness.
A part of her ached and reached toward Amira.
Eva Stratt shut the, both away, and rolled to turn off the light.
~~~
The trial ended nearly a year later, on the very anniversary of the Hail Mary launch. Eva Stratt bowed her head as the judge read out her verdict. For now, she was a free woman. There had been a lot of arguing, plenty of exploited loopholes, and she knew that one day the beetles would return and she would be right back here.
The courtroom cleared eventually, and Stratt found Dr. Lokken standing at the door.
“Congratulations on your freedom.”
“Temporarary, as all things are.”
“At least you can buy your own wretched beer now. Tastes like soggy bread.”
Stratt smiled and bowed her head for a moment, pleased with the familiarity they had built.
The press swarmed like the plague they were, and the two walked through it together. Eva opened the car door, letting Dr. Lokken slide in before she joined her in the back seat, secluding themselves behind the tinted windows.
Gravity settled between them. Eva watched the flashes of cameras and listened to the hollers of reporters as they drove, keeping her hands safely tucked in her lap. Every fiber in her arms rebelled, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped around Lokken. Yet she stayed still. Despite the way that she could feel Lokken’s eyes on her.
Her home appeared before long. Eva got out, unsurprised when Dr. Lokken also exited the car. It felt like the natural state of things for her to join. For her boots to sit next to Eva’s loafers by the door, her breath to fill the kitchen as she pulled out what they needed for dinner. Their hands found one another on the island, Lokken’s thumb resting against the base of Eva’s pinky. She felt herself relax into the comfort of routine, ready for their night to continue as it always had before Dr. Lokken spoke.
“What was Grace to you?”
The question of the hour. What everyone had wanted to know. The two had been close, everyone knew it. Ryland Grace was her friend. He was her expert on astrophage. He was a man who had nothing to lose. He was her lamb at the slaughter. He was her everything, and she put him to pasture.
Lokken waited, watching every emotion possible play in subtle twitches and curls of Eva’s features. But she would not wait forever, eventually giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
Eva looked up at her, quiet aching and yearning in her eyes. She missed him. She was afraid to move on from him. She wanted nothing more than to let him go, and let Amira in.
“If you permit it, I’d like to help fill his place.”
She looked for any betrayal or secret words in Amira’s face. She wanted to, but she would not walk off one gallows and into another. Lokken, though, was genuine. And she smiled after another quiet moment.
“We could start tonight?”
“You have a shred of his patience.”
“Perhaps. What movie?”
Eva Stratt smiled, shaking her head as she squeezed Amira’s hand and pulled away to cook.
~~~
Stratt’s moans were breathy as she arched her hips up against Lokken’s hand, holding the other woman’s head to her chest. The soft chuckle rumbling against her skin made her swear and tug Lokken’s hair.
Her want to whisper not to tease her was interrupted by a vibration.
For a moment, she wanted to laugh and tease her fiancee for having tired so soon. But then she heard properly where it was.
“Shit,” she whispered, tapping Lokken’s shoulder as she reached for her phone on the nightstand.
“Hm, you’re never so quick to–”
“No, it’s, hold on…”
Lokken looked up, seeing the glow of a phone screen and sitting up.
“Who is it?”
“It’s a government number…”
“Answer it…”
Eva nodded, staring at the screen as Amira settled in beside her. Their blankets kept the chill away even though she shuddered as she answered the phone.
“Yes? Hello?”
“Eva Stratt, ma’am, the Hail Mary’s remote transmit devices have returned. We have two of them, the others, it appears, got misdirected en route.”
Stratt and Lokken stared at each other in the dim room. They both were finally catching their breath, unsure of what to say. It had been years. No one had expected this so soon. But it was real. This was real.
“Ma’am?”
“I’ll be right there.”
The two wasted no time getting dressed, tossing clothes between each other. It was the second fastest they had ever switched activities. The first had been when they accidentally knocked Eva’s ankle monitor too hard it disconnected from the system.
The car started, and Eva took a moment to stop and really think about what was happening. It worked. They were saved. Grace had found something, and they had a chance to fix this.
But the chance that Grace had left anything in his logs about what she had done loomed large. She would be retried if the world knew. She would not be let off again. Prison would await the opening of the beetles if he did not forgive her.
The gentle press of her fiancees ring brought her back to earth. Lokken leaned in to kiss her cheek, sighing.
“Breathe, Eva. We cannot control what happens now, only face it with a brave front.”
“One last cliff jump, Amira.”
“Or a few steps back from an edge. Whatever it may be, I will be there.”
It was enough to keep her moving. For now.
Eva nodded, shifting the car into gear and pulling down their driveway to get to the airport.