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It wasnt Masons fault. it wasnt his fault ███ died. ███ was never his responsibility. It wasnt his fault. It wasnt his fault.
The words repeated in Mason's mind while he made his way towards the brown coffin.
Mason at the corpse resting in the coffin. He wore a suit that Mason heard him complain about for 30 minutes, both because of how stuffy it was and because Donny was the one who'd gotten it for him.
He hated that the peace in his face disturbed him so badly, he was almost unrecognizable to the emotional and unpredictable boy Mason saw after they'd broken up.
███ didnt die fast or painlessly. He died slowly over the span of months and no one heard his cries for help.
███ was a complete mess in his last months. It wasnt an uncommon thing for him to show up at Mason's doorstep needing to vomit out the junk he had been putting in his system while simultaneously having a complete breakdown. And then pleading with Mason to not tell anyone.
They had broken up for that reason.
It was more of the last straw before Mason had enough and stopped giving him second chances.
███ would constantly break promises of being better, throwing huge pity parties while giving apologies for mistakes that he'd never learn from.
Mason secretly wished deep down that he'd never have to see ███ again after theyd broken up.
Especially after his drug use, he had been cold and snappy.
Not just with Mason but with everyone in his life, he'd constantly pick fights or completely ignore everyone for days. Mason knew his relationship with his father was far from perfect, but especially after his usage Mason couldnt recall a single moment where the two could stand being in a room with one another.
Even with all that Mason couldnt stay mad at ███.
He wasnt a good boyfriend but he was never a awful person. Mason wasnt mad because he knew how much he was suffering, yet he still never had the courage to get him help.
The worst part of everything was that he saw ███ was only getting worse by the days, and Mason didn't say anything because he agreed to keep the stupid promise of staying quiet.
The most he could do was silently hope someone else would notice and help him.
But no one did.
He knew the guilt would follow him forever and he hated it because he never got to apologize to ███.
Not just for letting him die, but for agreeing to keep that stupid promise, for letting his own bitterness keep him from speaking out.
He wanted to admit to ███ that he had blood on his hands, admit that he was a horrible for it but he couldnt because he was dead now.
It makes him so so angry.
It wasnt completely his fault, not really. Everyone in his life failed him and now no one will ever see him again. ███ didnt get to graduate or grow up, and the last months he had didnt let him die gently, he died painfully and alone.
And Mason was aware of that.