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Baran’s alarm chirped bright and early--- 4:30--- as it did every morning Trinity slept over. Usually, Baran turned it off discretely and got out of bed gently, careful not to let Trinity slip from half-asleep to awake. Baran knows she gets up earlier than Trinity, so she always avoids disturbing her and lets her sleep in.
So far, Trinity hasn’t complained. She usually wakes up to Baran, fresh out the shower, cooking them breakfast and brewing coffee, the sun already above the horizon. Usually, her son’s up, too, eating breakfast with them, but this weekend he was with Baran’s ex.
Baran starts her intensive morning routine, ducking into the bathroom to change and get ready for her morning run. When she comes out, she freezes at the sight of Trinity slipping out of bed, eyes still heavy.
“I’m sorry, honey.” Baran startles, running over to lull Trinity back to sleep, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Trinty, still waking up, faintly swats her away, “No, no, you… didn’t wake me, dude. I’m getting up, now.”
“On purpose? Because you want to?” Baran is stunned, worried she woke Trinity, who maybe couldn’t fall back asleep, tossing and turning and…
“Yeah, ‘course on purpose.” Trinity pushes out of bed fully, reaching for her bag. “I’m coming with you on your morning run.”
Baran smirks with amusement, “Seriously? You really don’t have to, you can---”
“I want to. What, you think I can’t keep up?” Trinity stands and twirls around, gym clothes in her arms. She really was serious, and she came prepared.
“Well…” Baran begins, and Trinity frowns, “I guess we’ll find out. Go ahead and get ready, I’ll make us up some water. You’ll want to hydrate before and after.”
Rolling her eyes, “Yeah, I know, I’ve done exercise before. And seen enough idiots with heatstroke who haven’t to gotten the message. I’m a fucking doctor, remember?”
“So am I. You’re grumpy before sunrise, Dr. Santos.” Baran pat Trinity on the shoulder playfully, and started walking to the kitchen, “A morning run always raises my spirits. Get dressed, you’ll feel better soon.”
Trinity huffed. Since they’d been going out, Trinity usually preferred Baran only call her “Dr. Santos” at work, but sometimes, with a scolding tone, a praising tone, or during the right moment, it made her feel strangely warm. She shook her head, rushing to get ready and clear her mind.
She was still getting her footing with Baran--- they had only been dating for a few months, and Baran liked to take things slow. Trinity didn’t mind, she would wait a lifetime if it meant she might get the chance to even hear Dr. Al-Hashimi tell her “good job,” let alone call her “good girl,” but sometimes it made her nervous. Did Baran really like her that much? With Garcia, it had all happened so quickly, and with so much sex. But then, the flame burned out just as fast. For Yolanda, at least. For Trinity, the flame took forever to dim down.
But with Baran, everything was different. She caught feelings slowly, conversations during work turned into conversations after work. Then, Baran asked her out on a proper date, nice restaurant and everything. When the night was over, she expected staying the night at Baran’s place, watching shitty TV, and then sex. Instead, Baran dropped Trinity off at her apartment, telling her, “Tonight was lovely. Sleep well, okay? I’ll see you on Monday.” Granted, at no point during the drive did Trinity ask Baran to do anything else after. She just assumed they would hook up. She was relieved when they didn’t--- honestly, she was pretty worn out from a long, terrible week. But at the same time, she was disappointed she didn’t get to spend more time with Baran. Did Baran not want to hang out with her?
But Baran was very direct. Constantly telling Trinity, “you’re beautiful,” “you’re so smart,” “I love you,” while calling her all sorts of sweet things. She planned dates for them all the time, until, finally, after being out so late she asked Trinity, “Do you want to spend the night? Only, if you’re comfortable with it. I think it would be easier for both of us.” Trinity agreed readily.
However, she’d learned after a few nights that Baran had a habit of rising early, too early, especially when she had the day off. Of course, going into work at 7 every morning, Trinity was no stranger to getting up early, but her definition of early was rolling out of bed at 6:00 and hurrying to make herself presentable, so that she wouldn’t look as bad as she felt. Sometimes, given the way Baran looked at her (those big brown eyes, contorted with concern. A subtle frown, light touch on the shoulder whispering, “Good morning, dear. Are feeling okay?”) when she clocked in, she didn’t feel like she’d convinced anyone that every morning, she hadn’t battled an overwhelming pool of emptiness just to force her eyes open.
Finally, Trinity joined Baran in the kitchen, where she stood drinking water, staring out the window into the blackness of morning. Baran didn’t turn to look at her instantly, seemingly lost in thought. It always startled Trinity when Baran drifted, worried it was worse than zoning out. Baran’s neurologist had updated her prescription, and she’d settled into the ED just fine, seizure free again as far as Trinity knew. But what if she had another? What if she…
Baran handed Trinity the other water bottle next to her, “Drink up. Then we’ll start stretching. I thought about driving us somewhere more exciting, but, well I think we’ll just run around the neighborhood, if that’s alright.” Then she frowned, “You look so tired. Are you sure you want to join me?”
Trinity finished a long sip of water, “I’m sure, Baran. If I wasn’t sure, I would still be asleep right now.”
Baran seemed unconvinced, but she continued, “Okay, well let’s stretch a bit, then we can head out. And, you look very beautiful in gym clothes.” Trinity didn’t feel particularly beautiful, her messy hair hastily tied up, wearing a simple sports bra and somewhat ill-fitting athletic shorts. Nothing like Baran, dressed classily in smooth, black leggings and a lavender sports bra with straps that crossed in the back. Not to mention, Baran’s body radiated strength, every curve of muscle and fat placed perfectly to demonstrate not only her athleticism, but her softness. Trinity, while not entirely unathletic (she went to the gym, sometimes, but it was hard lately to find the motivation), felt just soft in comparison.
“Uh, thanks. You look stunning.” She faltered, “I mean, you actually look like you do this for fun. I look, well,” she glanced down at herself, “like maybe I meant to join the middle school basketball team.”
Setting down her water, Baran stepped toward Trinity, eyes floating up and down her body. She cupped Trinity’s head easily with gentle fingers, forcing her to look her in the eyes. Trinity’s breath caught, and she felt her face flush. “I mean it, Trinity. I think you’re beautiful.” As Baran kissed the top of her head, her other hand hovered to Trinity’s waist, feeling her ever so slightly before Baran stepped away, “Now, let’s stretch. We wouldn’t want to get hurt.”
As Trinity reached for her toes, her head swam. Baran was so gentle, so tender. Yet, she was controlled. What incredible restraint the women must have, to hold Trinity with such delicate hands, yet not make-out with her furiously, pull her into her bed, and devour her with insatiable need. Or maybe, she just doesn’t really want you, Trinity worried.
Finally, the pair ventured outside. It was crisp, perhaps a bit chillier than Trinity expected, although Baran seemed unperturbed. It was early fall, now, but one of those random warm days you get in early September, so it wasn’t too cold, yet. Trinty shuffled around her pockets, groaning, “Dammit, I forgot that I left my earbuds at home yesterday.”
“Why do you need them?” Baran turned, seeming to genuinely not understand.
“You don’t listen to music while you run?”
Baran pondered the concept for a moment. “…No. Not usually. I like to hear the world waking up around me. It helps me clear my mind.”
“Don’t you want to be distracted from the agony of running?”
“Running is fun.”
Trinity learned new things about Baran every day. New things about humanity in general. When she saw people running in the morning, she assumed it was about discipline, results. The feeling after you’re done and don’t have to run anymore. The same as a workout, it was less about the exercise itself, more the strength you felt afterwards. Baran, however, must find pleasure in the exertion of lifting weights and doing push-ups.
“Whatever you say,” Trinity replied, forlorn. She’d have to run raw. It wasn’t ideal, but maybe she’d come to understand Baran’s perspective if she was forced to.
When they reached the end of the driveways where it turned into the sidewalk, they turned right and started to jog. At first, Trinity felt exhilarated, like she could probably do this for miles. She was surprised at how fast she felt, cruising past houses and lamp lights. It was still dark outside, but light was starting to gather on the horizon.
“Pace yourself,” Baran laughed.
“Hah, you can’t keep up with me?” Trinity sped up in front of Baran, “See, I’m good at this after all.”
“It’s about endurance, not speed. But, yes, you’re doing great.”
Trinity’s triumph lasted about 30 more seconds, and as she quickly started to lose momentum. The speed had felt good, but now she felt she could barely breathe.
“Ohmygod, you do this… every… day?”
“Yes. That’s why I am so good. And I pace myself.”
For a few minutes, Trinity managed to keep at Baran’s pace, but she felt the woman picking up speed, easing into a comfortable stride. Now, Trinity was starting to lag behind. Baran, noticing this, slowed down to jog beside Trinity. Trinity slowed even more, and Baran kept pace.
Trinity panted, “Don’t let me... hold you… back.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind. I don’t want to leave you behind.” She spoke so easily, apparently not the least bit winded. Trinity glanced at her, watching her curly ponytail swing from side to side, frizzy but somehow still orderly. Sweat rolled down her back, her chest, over her exposed stomach. She glistened like morning dew, looking completely focused and at peace. Unbothered. How is she so perfect all the time? Trinity wondered.
“Really,” Trinity insisted, “You can… go ahead… run at--- at your own pace.”
“You’re certain?”
“Yes,” Trinity fell out of her jog, into an uneven speedwalk, “It’ll make me feel better to know I’m not ruining this for you.”
“Honey, you’re not---”
“Please, for me. Just keep going. I’ll be behind you.”
Baran hesitated. “Okay. Try breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth. It helps.” Carefully, she picked up her pace, casting glances back to make sure Trinity really was still following her. Trinity was, although not at an incredible pace. Even in front of her, Baran was careful not to go too much faster than Trinity. She didn’t want to lose her in Suburban Hell.
Trinity tried to take Baran’s advice, focusing on her breathing. But it was harder than she thought to suppress her gasps. She needed music, something to distract her from the way her lungs burned in the dry, cold air. But she had nothing, except scattered birdsongs and the rhythmic sound of her feet against the path.
Actually, there were more sounds around her than Trinity realized. Not just the birds, the sound of wind moving bushes and trees. Wind chimes twinkling from someone’s porch. There weren’t just sounds to hear, there were things to see: a particularly picturesque house, a cat slinking under a porch, an old and gnarly tree. Trinity fell into a steady rhythm. The sun was starting to rise, lighting up the horizon, slowly revealing every ditch in the uneven sidewalks. Despite struggling to breathe, she almost felt at peace.
But she’d also gotten even slower. And further from Baran, who seemed completely absorbed in her run. Here legs flowed easily, endlessly forward and backward, high ponytail bobbing, bobbing. She never slowed down. She glowed with the sunrise, a part of dawn itself. Trinity laughed wryly to herself. Under her breath, “Fuck. She’s amazing.”
Trinity couldn’t keep up. Baran seemed to have forgotten about her, though it was Trinity herself who told her not to worry. Baran rounded a corner. Trinity, much later, rounded the same one. But Baran was nowhere to be seen. Trinity, running lopsided, gasping for air, looked left, right, behind--- but Baran was nowhere to be seen.
Trinity gave up. Feeling totally stupid, she rambled over to a bench and collapsed. This whole fiasco was her idea, anyways. She wasn’t sure where she got the idea in her head that she could keep up with Baran, who runs every single morning like an insane person. Someone like Baran, who despite every she’s gone through, walks into the ED every day and never makes a single mistake. Someone like Baran, so cool, so collected, she never falters, never doubts, never lets anything get out of control. Trinity was the opposite, a bomb always waiting to explode. Never restrained, a temper out of control, relentlessly sarcastic. She couldn’t believe a woman like Baran saw her as anything more than a reckless kid.
“Trin, I’m sorry.”
Trinity looked up. It was Baran, “I got carried away. I thought you were behind me, but, you… It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have left you behind.”
“No, no, no! I’m the one who’s sorry. I couldn’t keep up, I got lost. This whole mess was my suggestion anyways; it’s my fuck-up.”
Baran sat next to her, “Trinity, it’s okay. This isn’t a mess at all. I’ll admit, I was surprised when you said you wanted to join me. But, I was also really happy. You were so determined, and it’s really adorable and admirable, seeing you so eager to try my hobbies. You have such drive, you’re always trying, never giving up. It’s a quality I appreciate in you not only as a doctor, but a partner.” Baran stopped suddenly, “Sorry, I’m rambling. Let’s just take a breather.” She leaned back against the bench and sighed.
The sun was still coming up, casting an orange glow over everything. Trinity had no words. Not a quip, not a self-degrading comment, not even anything flirtatious. Baran was always so genuine. She made it look so easy to just say what she meant. And in the morning sun, she glowed like magic.
Finally, Trinity found something to say, but she regretted it instantly, “How do you see the good in me? Is that--- I mean, is that really me? And you make it seem so natural, so easy, like of course I’m all these great things. But, honestly, Baran, that’s not me. I’m lazy. You get up every morning and run like this. I sleep in, sometimes so much that I’m almost late for work. Getting out of bed is impossible. Going to work feels impossible. Just being alive, it…” Trinity trails off. This wasn’t what she had in mind.
“Oh, Trin, you…” Baran wasn’t sure words could fix this. She put her arm around Trinity, pressing her into her shoulder. “Honey, I love you.” Baran rubbed her shoulder, willing Trinity to fold into her. “I… know I can’t force you to love yourself, but… I love you. I do. I don’t think you’re lazy, I think you’re an incredibly hard worker. And I think you deserve some rest. I… want to be a place where you can rest. Can you just, close your eyes and rest for me, dear?"
Trinity nodded into Baran’s shoulder, burrowing against her and closing her eyes. Being with Baran, Trinity felt so safe, calm, and secure. Their love was slow and gentle. Trinity didn’t understand why she kept feeling worried--- here with Baran, in a moment like this, she was overwhelmed with peace. Nowhere had ever felt more right for her than tight in Baran’s arms.
“I love you,” Trinity mumbled into Baran’s shoulder.
“I love you, too.”
The sun had risen, now, and the birds were all out, singing loudly. Everything was tranquil, aside from the occasional dog barking madly at intruding squirrels. The neighborhood was coming fully awake, but even with the sun in the sky it was still cold outside. Trinity shivered, despite the warmth from Baran’s body.
Baran gave her a soft look, “Are you cold?”
“No. Well, a little.”
“I’m cold, too. Are you hungry?”
Trinity nodded, “Breakfast?”
“Yes, let’s go home and I’ll make us some breakfast. Do you like omelets?”
~ ~ ~
When they got back, Baran set out immediately to start cooking. She has a wonderfully organized kitchen, with a fully-stock fridge full of fresh ingredients. Baran only stocks a few pre-made snacks, mostly granola bars, and the rest are plain whole foods like nuts, fruit, vegetables, and raisins. Trinity was weary to invite Baran into her own kitchen. She could already her saying matter-of-factly, “Oh. Is this what you usually eat?” But, in her heart, she knew Baran would be kind about it. She likes to cook for Trinity for a reason: she knows her girl is having a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning, let alone making herself dinner every night. And Dennis is home less and less, so he’s not much help, either.
Baran sets off to work immediately, washing her hands then collecting all the ingredients. She turns to Trinity after pulling out the cutting board, “You can go ahead and take a shower. I’ll have this ready when you get out.”
Trinity shakes her head, “It’s okay, I’ll shower after. I want to watch you cook.”
“Mmh, okay. You can’t get enough of me?”
“I need more of you.” Trinty leans on Baran, hugging her from behind.
“You’re being oddly nice, now. You have nothing snarky to say?”
Trinity closed her eyes, feeling the muscles in Baran’s back shifting as she started cutting tomatoes. “No, not right now. But I will after breakfast.”
Baran grunted while she chopped, finding Trinity’s positioning endearing yet inconvenient. “Honey, do you think you could help me?”
Trinity didn’t loosen her grip, “With what?”
“I have some diced onion in the fridge, could you get it out for me?”
Reluctantly, Trinity went to the fridge to retrieve the container of onions. She ogled Baran’s meal prepping, searching over prepared quinoa, carrots, sweet potato, and much more until she found what she needed. She brought the container to Baran, who was starting to heat the pan on the stove. “Thank you, love” Baran said, kissing Trinity’s forehead.
“Can I help with anything else?”
Baran thought a moment. “Yes.” She tapped her own back, “Come hold me again. Rest on my back, and let me make you breakfast. But, if I can’t move well enough you might have to let go for a moment.”
Trinity nodded eagerly, “You got it, boss. I can do that, for sure.”
Baran grinned back, setting down the knife to give Trinity a kiss, “Thank you, sweetheart. You’re very sweet.”
As Baran cooked, Trinty immersed herself in the flexing of Baran’s muscles, feeling the precision at which she worked through the rhythmic tensing of her shoulder blades. She unhooked one arm, bringing a hand to trace down Baran’s back. She gently explored the movement of her body with light fingers, drawing curves and lines up and down Baran’s back. Slowly, Trinity’s hand came lower, teasing at the waistband of Baran’s leggings. Trinity felt Baran nearly shiver at this, and she quickly put her arm back around Baran’s waist, swallowing hard. Her stomach knotted, but Baran’s honeyed, “Breakfast is ready, dearest,” softened her. Baran made no other comment.
Trinity peered at the pan over Baran’s shoulder, still not letting go of her lover, “Wait, I thought you were making an omelet?”
“Yes, that’s what I did.”
The food smelled delicious, but it looked more like scrambled tomato curry than any omelet Trinity had ever seen. “Huh…”
“It’s a ‘Persian omelet.’ Omlette gojeh farangi,” she added in Farsi. “And you’re right, it’s more like scrambled eggs and tomato sauce than a traditional omelet, but it’s delicious.” She started grabbing plates and silverware. As she scooped some from the pan and handed it to Trinity, she added, “I think you’ll like it.”
They sat together at the dining table, and Trinity took a curious bite. “Oh, man, this is really good.”
“See? I know what I’m doing.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re always right. No need to gloat about it so much.”
Baran smiled proudly, “You’re right just as often as me. You’ll have to show me how to cook a dish, next time.”
“Oh, I…” Trinity felt suddenly sheepish, “I’m not as good a cook as you.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.” Her statement was finite. No room for discussion, so Trinity didn’t argue the point anymore. She wasn’t sure what had given Baran the impression Trinity was a skilled chef, especially given how she hadn’t helped Baran cook at all today. She usually gave a hand cutting things, but whether or not you can cut an onion doesn’t necessarily equate to being able to cook anything. Although the thought of making her girlfriend dinner did sound romantic.
Still, she couldn’t entirely wrap her head around the endless faith Baran seemed to have in her. Baran seemed to believe Trinity could do anything, and she supposed the more she thought about it, Trintiy thought Baran could do anything, too. And yet, she disbelieved Baran’s trust in her while maintaining her own unstoppable trust in Baran.
As such, still unable to trust in her girlfriend’s love and appreciation, Trinity asked an odd question, “Why are you so kind to me? I mean, why are you even dating me in the first place?”
Trinity didn’t like to talk about her feelings, but lately she found herself randomly blurting out concerns and insecurities to Baran. Usually, she kept it to herself, but something about a warm, lovely breakfast and deep, brown doe eyes watching her fork move across the plate drew some vulnerability from her. Baran’s persistent doting was slowly thawing Trinity, but instead of revealing softness and appreciation, it exposed fear and uncertainty. Trinity cared very deeply about her relationship with Baran; it was something she couldn’t bear to lose, but simultaneously couldn’t bring herself to fully believe.
Baran navigated Trinity’s raw edges gently, “Well, I think you deserve a lot of kindness. You’ve… been through a lot, and although you haven’t told me about all of it, I want you to know you’re safe here, with me. And, well, as for dating you,” she was smiling, looking at Trinity and then around her, organizing fond thoughts, “well, it’s hard to put it succinctly. Your skill in the ED caught my attention, your quick and firm decision making. Because of that, I began to respect you. But, I think really it was our small conversations at the desk, between helping patients, those little moments where I started to know you. I wanted to know you better, because I really liked you.”
Trinity was always taken aback by how forthcoming Baran was. You ask her a question, and she answers clearly, easily, composed. Even questions about her feelings, she was always honest and unreserved.
Seeking more reassurance, Trinity pushed further, “And you still like me? Even after knowing me more?”
“Of course, Trinity. I love you. But, I suppose you want to know why?”
“Yes, please.”
Baran had recited this before. Their plates were both empty, now, but Baran still asked, “Are you done eating?” before picking up Trinity’s plate, “Why don’t we move to the couch? It’s easier for me to hold you over there.”
Trinity did as she was told. Baran put the plates in the sink, rinsed them, and came over to her. She sat at the end of the couch, gesturing for Trinity to lay in her lap, the way she liked to when she was feeling small and fragile. Baran stroked her hair, starting to recite all her favourite things about her girlfriend, “Let’s see, I always thought you were funny. You’re clever, and you always have a witty retort ready. Well, unless I disarm you,” she ran her fingers over Trinity’s jaw, tracing up her cheek back to her hair. The subtle touch made Trinity’s head buzz.
Baran continued, “You’re very intelligent. I know you beat yourself up when you make a mistake, but, you don’t give up afterwards. You learn from it. You’re always determined to improve, to do the best you can. That, I imagine, is because you care so deeply, about everything. I love the way you care about things, people, everyone, even when you try to hide it. I like it when you let your guard down around me.” One arm still playing with her hair, another walking up, over and down Trinity’s back, massaging her tense muscles, “You work so hard, and I just want to take care of you…”
Trinity had closed her eyes, relaxing into Baran’s soft, strong thighs. She felt calm, mostly, but still couldn’t let go of her worries completely. “Baran,” she mumbled, “don’t you get tired of me, being…” she was struggling. Trinity flipped onto her back, staring up at Baran, “being like, this.” She made a broad gesture to herself, referring to her current state.
“Needing reassurance, you mean?”
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, you do all this stuff for me, and, I know you want to but like… won’t it get old?”
“No, not really. Trinity, I’m a mother and a doctor, by choice. I love to take care of people. I have dedicated my entire life to it.”
“Sure, but… don’t you want a break from it?”
Baran shrugged, “Not necessarily. But, also, it’s not like you don’t do things to take care of me, too.”
“Do I?”
Baran nodded, “You help me cook and play with my son. After a stressful day, you’re always there to help me decompress, and---”
“But like,” Trinity didn’t know why she felt so frustrated. Baran was endlessly supplying her with reassurance, and she suddenly felt a need to push back until she stopped, until she found some way to prove Baran didn’t really like her. Because who really stuck around for Trinty Santos? Who had ever really been invested in her? Even Dennis now spent more time at Amy’s than with her, and especially now that he was housesitting for Dr. Robby. “What I mean is, well, I mean. You haven’t even tried to fuck me, like are you really serious about me?”
Baran froze. Trinity regretted her words in an instant. She’d definitely said the wrong thing. Baran had no response ready. Her lips parted, closed, parted again. Finally, “Well, I guess I… if we had just been hooking up, wouldn’t that have felt more superficial? I’m sorry, Trin, I---”
“No, I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry, I really don’t know why I said that, I---”
“No, it’s… I didn’t know that was bothering you I…”
They both fell silent. Trinity sat up, taking Baran’s hand. “I know you take things slow, and… look. I didn’t mean that we need to have sex, or anything like that. I just. I guess, I’m not used to like… someone just loving me, without an ulterior motive.
Usually, I go out with someone and that’s, like, the first thing they want to do after dinner.”
“Is that usually what you want to do, too…?”
Trinity didn’t know what to say. Something in Baran had visibly diminished. She looked like a deer in headlights, her hand limp inside Trinity’s.
“I don’t know, I guess… I never really thought about what I wanted, I just assumed it was the way things went when you wanted someone to love you. I guess, maybe I was doing things backwards. Thinking if I fucked them well enough, they’d love me, not the other way around.”
“There’s no… right or wrong way to have sex, as long as both people want to do it. It doesn’t have to be about love, if you just want to do it casually.”
“Well, sure, but…” Trinity was realizing now, she and Baran hadn’t ever talked about sex, yet. She had no clue what Baran thought about sex. She also was realizing she didn’t even know what she thought about sex.
Baran sighed, “Look, I, have to admit something to you. I’ve realized, after a while, that maybe I don’t feel the same way about sex as other people. I keep an open mind about how other people feel, but I don’t always understand. I don’t do hookups. I can’t imagine having sex with someone unless I know them, like really know them. That’s part of me ‘taking things slow,’ I guess, but I mean. I really don’t feel any sexual desire for someone, until we’re very close. It takes me a long time. I’m sorry, I should’ve been clear about that, but I…” she trailed off.
Trintiy pushed on, “But what?”
“I was afraid that would be a dealbreaker.”
Trinity’s heart sank. Baran looked suddenly so small, so defeated. It seemed she thought this might be the end of the road, for them. “Baran, babe, that’s okay. I’ll wait forever to have sex with you, it doesn’t matter when it happens. Hell, I don’t care if it never happened, really.”
Baran laughed dryly, “You can’t say that so carelessly.”
“I’m not saying that carelessly, I mean it.”
She wasn’t looking at Trinity. Her eyes were far off, somewhere else, “Everyone says that, but after a year, five years… they end up changing their mind.”
“I’m totally serious, Baran. I love you. I want you, I don’t care how that looks I mean, I’m serious. Just being with you, cooking with you, talking with you, laying in your lap… that’s all I need if that’s all you want to do.”
Baran still looked doubtful, but she loosened somewhat. “Okay, if you say so. I believe you. But, just to be clear… when you asked me that question, was it because you were disappointed that we weren’t having sex?”
Trinity shook her head, “No, that’s not why I said that. God, I wish I hadn’t.”
“But it was important that you did. We needed to have this conversation.”
“I know, I know. Look, I asked that because, well, like I said, my ‘relationships,’ if you can even call them that, usually revolve around sex. Like, with Yolanda, I mean, it was about hooking up. I wanted it to be more than that, I always do. I always try to convince myself, whatever I’m doing with someone is more than that, but then it turns out, for them, it rarely is. It’s never really about me, I’m just kinda there and available to fuck, so that’s what we do.” She knew the situation with Yolanda had been more complex than that, but in its aftermath she felt the entire thing simplified into the recurring problem she’d had in every relationship--- it was more physical than emotional, confined to the bedroom and not really a two-way investment in experiencing each other’s lives.
“But this,” Trinity continued, “is different. I’ve never dated someone who so firmly wanted to take care of me. Sometimes, it infuriates me, like, you’re playing some extended prank on me. Or maybe, like you’re seeing someone who isn’t really me, or just delaying the inevitable, you know?”
“I don’t really know, no. What do you mean?”
“Like, the inevitability that you’ll leave me when I drain you with my own insecurity. When I get to be too much for you. And right now, I can’t like, bargain with you to stay by promising you a good fuck.”
“Oh, dear,” Baran was running her fingers through Trinity’s hair again, petting her soothingly, “I’m not going to leave you. And I’m so sorry people have made you feel like that in the past. Believe me, I… am under no illusion that’s you’re less insecure than you are. I don’t mind. I’m happy to reassure you whenever you need it. I love to talk about you,” she started to kiss Trinity, first on her forehead, “I love to think about how you make me feel,” her nose, “how much you matter to me,” her lips. They kissed each other a few more times, then collapsed into a tight embrace.
Trinity sighed into Baran’s neck, saying, “I’m so sorry I made this morning into such a mess. Thank you for being so patient… I love you more than anything, Baran. Seriously. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Baran smiled, “I love you, too, Trinity. Thank you for being honest with me.”
They pulled apart, looking into each other’s eyes. Baran kissed Trinity’s lips one more time, “I’m determined to pull out as much honesty from you as I can, even if it takes me twenty years to get you to open up.”
“Oh, God… you’ve already got me more honest than I’ve ever been. In another month you’ll know all my darkest secrets.”
“Like what? That you secretly love generic pop music?”
“Maybe worse. Maybe I like country.”
Baran frowned, “I don’t know that I could handle that truth… maybe I’ll just live in the illusion that your music tastes are more niche and underground.”
“Oh, yeah, is that what you think I like to listen to?” Trinity smirked.
Baran was laughing, “Well, I guess, I think you might have a bit of a diverse taste.” She looked at Trinity inquisitively, “But, I certainly think you like indie music. That’s a really broad genre. Punk, probably. I mean, some pop music but, not like…”
“Not like, what? You think I only listen to hardcore shit?”
“Well, no, well… I don’t know what you listen to. I mean, what do you think I listen to?”
“Something uptight. Classical. Maybe opera, or long pop ballads.”
Both of them were giggling, but Baran started to laugh harder, “Oh, seriously? Okay, okay. On our next date, we need to listen to each other’s music. Maybe go for a long drive somewhere… we seem to have some misunderstandings…”
Trinity kissed Baran, agreeing, “Of course, babe. That sounds wonderful.”
Baran just smiled, gazing at Trinity with big, affectionate eyes, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
