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Batman hears the chorus of mock honking before he steps out of the Zeta Tube.
The Justice League is doomed. Earth isn't far behind.
He sighs under his breath, quickens his pace — not wanting to look eager — then shoulders his way through the circle of heroes.
There, in the center of the Watchtower's hall, stands a Canada goose. It carries itself with improbable authority, wings flapping, hissing at anyone who comes close. Around its sleek black neck, a Green Lantern ring gleams, resized to fit.
Kyle is lying prone on the floor, looking frazzled, with a few stray goose feathers still clinging to his hair and suit, and frantically constructing a grass field and a pond. The others keep yelling "So cute!" at the top of their lungs while enthusiastically honking back at the goose.
"Status?" Bruce asks.
Zatanna looks at the goose and fights back a laugh. "Kyle says Hal volunteered to take a spell that would turn him into an Earth bird so he could bond with some avian alien species. Mission accomplished, but now he can't change back. I just checked him over. Their magic circuits are fundamentally different from mine. I'm worried forcing a reversal could hurt Hal. Better to let the spell wear off on its own."
"How long will that take?" Bruce feels a migraine coming on.
"About a month," Kyle answers. "But the Corps believes Hal Goose will recover faster in a familiar ecological environment, so they're hoping the League can look after him. John, Guy, and I have to cover his shifts."
Bruce asks without missing a beat, "How much trouble did he cause on Oa?"
Kyle chokes for a second, then bursts into tears. "He—he... Hal Goose hates everyone! He blocked the interstellar highway, wing-slapped anyone who got near him, trampled our gardens, and pecked holes through the Guardians' roof!"
Clark comes back from the kitchen with a can of corn. Trusting in his invulnerability, Clark approaches the goose. Hal Goose gives the corn a sniff, then turns away in open disgust. Clark, undeterred, follows him around with the can until Hal Goose loses patience and knocks it over with a flap of his wing.
Clark's feelings are hurt.
"By the way," Victor asks, "why a Canada goose of all things? I figured Hal would’ve turned into something more majestic, such as a bald eagle or a peregrine falcon."
"Kid, you’re too young," Billy says. "The Cobra Chicken is the true apex predator of North America. My school is plastered with warning signs telling us to stay the hell away from them."
Diana crouches down, observing Hal Goose's every move with delight. "How can that be? Look at him. He’s adorable!"
"That's Hal," Bruce reminds her, eyes fixed on the goose's fluffy tail feathers, which sway from side to side with each step.
Oliver volunteers to shoulder the grave responsibility of caring for Hal Goose. One more Canada goose in Star City won't make a difference anyway. Besides, the Queen Manor out in the suburbs also has broad lawns and a pond.
The Hard-Travelling Heroes are best friends, after all.
The same day, Oliver posts a photo on Instagram of Hal Goose asleep beneath a cherry blossom tree. The drifting petals happen to obscure the Green Ring.
Bruce Wayne pens a flowery, long-winded letter to the mayor of Gotham, suggesting that the city plant more cherry blossoms to boost tourism.
Tim pours cold water on the idea. An Arkham Horror theme park would do better.
A week later, rumours begin to circulate that Oliver Queen is mistreating wildlife.
"I told him," Dinah says, resigned. "Don't dress a Canada goose in Canada Goose."
Oliver's eyes go wide, aggrieved. "I just didn't want Hal Goose to get cold. Star City springs can turn chilly out of nowhere…"
The ever-righteous League Chair delivers his verdict, "Putting Hal Goose in clothing made from feathers plucked from his own kind is bound to cause him psychological distress."
Oliver immediately appeals. "But Canada Goose jackets aren’t stuffed with Canada goose down! It’s duck down!"
Hal Goose is only hot. He wants nothing to do with any of them.
Green Arrow — failed.
Barry takes over the mission with gusto, but it isn’t long before he’s sending out an SOS on the comms.
"Hal Goose won't eat. What do I do?"
Oliver takes one look at the food pic Barry sent and roars, "How could you feed Hal Goose greens grown using pesticides?!! He only eats organic hydroponic greens!!!"
Barry is baffled. "He just tried to snatch a Thousand Island-slathered lettuce leaf out of my burger! He's already bitten me several times!"
"You poisoning-wildlife urbanite with a soul corrupted by industrialism!"
"When Hal was human, he’d happily eat expired chips!"
"A man is a man. A goose is a goose!"
Barry is fuming. Right then, his doorbell rings. He opens the door and finds a whole crate of Little Gem lettuce in boutique packaging.
A private message from Batman pops up on his screen. "Erewhon will deliver the freshest greens to you daily."
Barry's anger evaporates. The League's greatest mind, as always, solves problems directly. With money.
Barry rests his chin in his palms, grinning like an idiot as he watches Hal Goose leisurely finish his meal and begin preening those beautiful feathers with his beak.
Barry has to fight the overwhelming urge to pet him.
With his speed, Hal Goose probably won’t even notice, right?
Barry really can't help himself. He reaches out and runs his hand all the way from tail to neck against the grain of the feathers.
So soft, so smooth, so warm…
…
Clark marvels at the fact that a Canada goose can fire lasers from its eyes on par with heat vision.
Oliver's expression is serious. "Harassment. What Barry did is blatant harassment of a Canada goose. Fifteen thousand dollar fine."
Barry throws his hands up, breaking down. "Hal Goose destroyed my apartment! Doesn't this count as a workplace injury? How am I supposed to explain to my home insurance agent? A Canada goose Green Lantern burned down my living room?"
Bruce feels another sigh building in his chest. Anything involving Hal always makes him want to sigh. "File it under superhero battle damage. I'll handle it."
The Flash — failed.
The next hero to step up and foster Hal Goose is Superman.
Clark stands tall, chest out, striking that iconic Superman pose, his Kansas-honest smile glowing. "Hal Goose, this is the farm I’ve secured for you."
But barely a few days pass, the God Among Us, the Man of Tomorrow, the Last Son of Krypton, calls an emergency meeting.
His heart is in pieces. He speaks in a grief-stricken voice.
"Hal Goose bullied my chickens! He chases them around every single day!”
"Free-range chickens," Oliver says, sounding confused. "Not bad."
"The hens are too scared to lay eggs!"
Superman — failed.
Bruce sighs.
Arthur demonstrates the full extent of his royal talent for passing the buck. "I live in the deep ocean, so I clearly can't raise a goose." No matter how lovely Hal Goose is, it doesn’t change the fact that he is currently the most dangerous creature on Earth.
Victor and J’onn are either in labs or on the Watchtower. Zatanna’s place is a magical manor. Billy is a kid…
Diana gently pets Hal Goose’s back, her tone worried. "But Paradise Island doesn't allow men from the outside to set foot on the island…"
Billy chimes in with a shocker. "What if we get him castrated first?"
Zatanna offers her professional assessment: "From a magical perspective, it shouldn’t have any impact on his human form."
"No. Canada goose are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act —" Bruce doesn't get to finish his legal lecture.
Hal Goose, apparently having understood what Billy just said, panics. He thrashes his wings and launches himself away from Diana, then burrows headfirst under Batman's dark cape and huddles. After a moment, he cautiously pokes half his head out.
Bruce goes rigid. All he can feel is a warm and fluffy ball moving behind him.
Oliver witnesses this in sheer disbelief. "Given that Hal’s brain is currently the size of a goose’s, choosing the Bat is a total no-brainer."
Clark says earnestly, "Well, there's no one else left. I have total faith that Bruce will take good care of Hal Goose."
So Bruce goes back to the Batcave with a Canada goose tucked in his arms.
He asks Alfred to prepare the crispest, most tender vegetables available. He has never raised a goose before and isn't sure where to begin.
But this is Hal.
He strokes the feathers, smoothing them down in the direction of their growth. He thinks he understands why this one-of-a-kind goose has been so irritable.
"Flying takes too much out of you in this form, doesn't it? Not being able to take off whenever you want. That makes you unhappy. Am I right?"
Goose looks up and nuzzles his face.
"And you weren't bullying Clark’s chickens. You were trying to teach them how to fly, weren't you?"
Goose lets out a soft, low-pitched honk.
Bruce feels like his heart is about to melt. He dips his head to press a light kiss on the snowy-white cheek just inches away.
In the next instant, gray-brown feathers burst outward in a storm. Amid a cloud of magical smoke, the fluffy tail feathers Bruce has been cradling in his hands abruptly turn into the touch of silky, firm muscle…
Caught completely off guard by his sudden return to human form, a startled yelp escapes Hal as he loses his balance. He reflexively wraps his arms around Bruce’s upper body, his legs locking around Bruce’s waist as well.
Having his dream man — naked — suddenly hug him and press his face into that firm, supple chest is enough to make Batman's brain short-circuit.
"Father, I heard we’re taking in a Canada goose —" Damian barges in.
"Sorry. My mistake. Carry on." Dick clamps one hand over Damian's eyes and the other over his mouth, then drags him back out at the fastest speed of his life.
Hal snaps back to his senses, conjures his suit with the Ring, and scrambles to his feet in a flustered mess.
Bruce remains in a daze. Or more accurately, he is still reliving the moment.
It takes him a while to suppress the chaotic swarm of thoughts in his head. Then he calls Zatanna.
Zatanna ignores the way Hal's face has gone red enough to bleed, and ignores Bruce's stiff, mechanical movements.
"True Love's Kiss," she says with perfect composure. "It can break any spell."
When Hal leans in to return the gesture with a peck on Bruce’s cheek, Bruce has already decided which corner of their wedding invitations should feature an embossed Canada goose.