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Shane was incredibly efficient, making all the necessary calls to get everything set up after learning about Ilya’s pregnancy. Dr. Fournier had been called back almost immediately, appointments were scheduled, and they planned to tell Farah and Wiebe after telling their parents. They were going to do it at the family dinner the week after, the same day of their first ultrasound- they wanted photos to show Yuna and David.
The morning of the ultrasound, Ilya woke up to some of the worst nausea he’d had so far; it kept him basically sewn to the toilet, puking everything down to the water he’d tried to drink. Shane’s busy with preseason phone calls for most of the morning; it didn’t help that he’d taken on Ilya’s phone calls as well. Of course, he’d need to prepare for going back to hockey. Ilya understands that Shane has a mile-long list of things to do; he knows that if they want to build a dynasty with Ottawa, they need to be at their best, starting with preseason. That doesn’t mean he can’t be very jealous of his husband getting to go back onto the ice. He had barely found out about their baby the week before, so there wasn’t much time to adjust to having to miss an entire season of his beloved sport, especially with the preseason approaching so rapidly.
Shane hangs up a call and cringes as he hears Ilya retching one more time. He makes him a quick ginger tea and joins him in the bathroom, handing him the warm mug.
“Drink this, it should help.”
Ilya tiredly looks up from the toilet and smiles when taking the mug, “Thank you, Shanya.”
“Of course,” He ruffles Ilya’s hair and sits on the edge of the tub.
Ilya leans against Shane’s legs, slowly sipping on the tea, taking his time so his stomach wouldn’t revolt.
“Will you be okay for everything today?”
“I think,” he sighs, tipping his head back and taking deep, careful breaths, “the tea will help, then I’ll eat some bread, maybe that’ll help.”
“It’s early in the pregnancy, maybe it’ll ease up soon,” Shane looks down at Ilya, smiling slightly.
“I think it will,” he sniffles, “I hope it does, I know it has only been a few days, but I am very tired of this.”
“I’m sorry, Ilyushka.”
“It is okay, lyubimyy,” he reaches up to stroke his face, “I will be up and at them or whatever you say, very soon.”
Shane stifles a laugh and leans down to kiss his head, “Well, our appointment isn’t until later, so we have some time.”
“I will be taking a nap,” Ilya says as he takes another sip of his tea.
“That’s a good idea,” Shane plays with Ilya’s curls mindlessly, “I’ll talk to Mom, see if she can help out with all the phone calls.”
“No, it’s oka-”
“Ilya, I need to be helping you and taking care of you, the phone calls aren’t gonna stop anytime soon.”
“Bu-”
“She’ll be happy to help,” he reassures Ilya gently, “especially after we tell them tonight.”
Ilya can’t help the toothy smile that pulls on his lips, “David and Yuna,” he asks Shane, turning so that they’re fully facing each other, “they want grand kids, right?”
“I mean,” Shane thinks for a few moments, “We haven’t talked about it in a while, ‘cuz of the whole gay thing, but I’m pretty sure.”
“You’re sure? They will not be upset?” He purses his lips, eyebrow quirked.
“God, no, Ilya,” Shane kneels in front of him, grasping his face firmly, “they would never be upset, not about something like this.”
“Okay, I am just,” he licks his lips, “I am just nervous, are you?”
“Yes, I’m a little nervous too,” he grins, “but you are also very brave. Right?”
Ilya laughs at Shane’s tone, “I am the bravest ever Hollander. Maybe even braver than you.”
“No way, asshole,” Shane nuzzles his nose into Ilya’s cheek before placing a kiss there.
“Uh huh.”
Shane hums indifferently into Ilya’s skin, “Fine, you win, you’re the bravest.”
Just as Ilya opens his mouth to respond, Shane’s phone rings from the other room. Shane sighs and shakes his head.
“Go ahead,” Ilya waves him off, “I have to brush my teeth.”
“Okay,” he says, kissing his cheek again before hurrying off to answer the call.
By the time he’s all cleaned up and letting Anya out to pee, Shane’s still on the phone, so he grabs a piece of bread and curls up on the couch. Anya settles next to him, licking one of her stuffed toys, looking between Shane, who’s pacing around the room still on the phone, and her toy. He makes quick work of his bread, leaving a piece of crust for Anya, who excitedly snatches it right up. He hugs Anya into his chest and lets himself fall asleep.
— . ୨ ♡ ୧ . —
Sitting in the ultrasound room, Ilya’s eyes are stuck to his stomach, and Shane’s are stuck to him.
“Is there a bump yet? I can’t tell.” Ilya sets his hand on his tummy.
“Uh,” Shane joins in on looking at his stomach, “move your hand.”
Ilya nods and lets his hand fall to his side. Shane moves in closer, squinting, then running his own hand over Ilya’s stomach.
“Maybe a tiny one? You kind of feel bloated.”
“So I am fat.” Ilya huffs jokingly, crossing his arms.
“Oh shut up,” Shane rolls his eyes, leaving his hand on Ilya.
“No, no is okay, apparently my husband thinks I am fat,” Ilya turns his nose up at Shane.
“Stop it, you asshole,” he tells him through a wide smile and a chuckle.
Ilya laughs and leans back, “First, I am fat, and now I am an asshole. Wait until I tell everyone how you treat your pregnant husband.”
“You are so dramatic,” he huffs, caressing Ilya’s stomach before blowing a raspberry at him.
He watches as Shane sits up so he can press a soft kiss to his stomach. Ilya’s heart stutters, and tears well in his eyes, “Oh, Shanya,” his voice shakes as tears spill over.
“Ilya,” Shane coos, moving to cup his face and brush away the tears.
“You can’t make me emotional like this,” Ilya mumbles, leaning forward to kiss Shane, laying his hands over his.
“Sorry, sweetheart, it’s my job.”
They kiss again just as someone knocks on the door, Shane blushes and stands up straight by Ilya’s side. The technician walks in a pair of scrubs adorned with baby ducks, smiling brightly.
“Good evening, Mr. Hollander, Mr. Rozanov,” He greets, shaking their hands, “I’m Sean Gagnon, I’ll be your ultrasound tech today!”
The man’s joyful attitude helps soothe some of the nervousness coursing through their veins.
“Nice to meet you,” they parrot back in unison, which makes Sean giggle a bit.
Ilya’s eyes scan the room as Sean logs into everything and gets everything set up for the scan. Shane looks at him and raises an eyebrow, silently asking him if everything is okay. Ilya nods and holds his hand up for him to hold. which Shane obliges quickly.
Sean turns to them, “Okay,” he gloves up and slides the ultrasound device over, “Mr. Rozanov-”
“Ilya is okay, and he is Shane,” he points to his husband, who smiles sheepishly.
“Perfect! Ilya, go ahead and raise your shirt, and we’ll get started.”
Ilya meets Shane’s eyes anxiously, biting his lip and nodding, “Oke.”
“You nervous to see them?” Sean asks, smiling at the two.
Shane gulps and nods, “Is it that obvious?”
“Kinda,” He laughs, “I see expectant parents every day, you’re all nervous, don’t feel bad.”
Ilya smiles at that and slowly pulls his shirt up, “They are our first, this is all very-”
“Scary? New?” Sean offers.
Ilya chuckles softly, “Yes, that.”
“Well, congratulations, first off, secondly, sorry guys; it never gets less scary, you just learn how to roll with the punches.”
Shane looks at Sean and feels curiosity bubble in his brain, “Do you- do you have any kids?”
“Yes! My husband and I have a 2-year-old son,” he smiles, shaking the bottle of ultrasound gel.
“You were scared?” Ilya asks, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
“To death! My husband was less scared than I was, somehow. I think it helped him to know that I knew my way around pregnancies.”
Sean’s reassurance helps Ilya’s nerves, so he swallows and meets his caring gaze, “Thank you, I feel a bit better.”
“No problem! If you’re ready, I’ll go ahead and squirt some gel on your stomach,” he picks up the wand and brings the monitor closer.
Ilya looks up at Shane and grips his hand tighter, “Ready.”
“Here we go,” Sean dispenses a large dollop of gel on his lower stomach and brings the wand to his stomach.
Shane’s thumb is rubbing a small, grounding circle into Ilya’s hand. Sean moves the wand around Ilya’s stomach, nodding and pressing a few buttons, “I’m just taking some measurements, then I’ll flip it to show you guys.”
They both nod, Shane’s heart thrums in his chest, and he leans down to place a kiss on Ilya’s head.
“You’re measuring on par for about 6-8 weeks,” Sean informs them, “does that line up with you guys?”
Shane’s cheeks go pink, and Ilya dares to chuckle, “Yes, that matches.”
“Great!” He looks up from the monitor, “You guys ready to see ‘em?”
They nod again, so Sean retracts the wand and turns the screen. Suddenly, as Sean brings the wand back to his skin and the screen lights up, showing their child. Ilya’s ears are ringing, and his eyes are watering once more.
“There they are.”
Shane’s lips tremble, and tears flow down his face, tears that he is quick to wipe away, “They’re so small.”
“Da, just a little thing,” Ilya mutters through tears, sniffling as Sean moves the wand around for more angles.
Shane can’t help but bury his face into Ilya’s curls, breathing in his scent as he cries. Ilya reaches up to cradle him, weaving his fingers into Shane’s hair. Shane’s heart’s racing, he never thought he’d be able to have this, it’s so overwhelming that he keeps getting caught up in all of it. His chest swells with joy and pride, so much of it, he wants to squeeze Ilya close, hold him until their baby arrives, keep them safe- keep Ilya safe. Shane presses wet kisses into Ilya’s hair, willing himself to calm down enough to look again.
“Wow.” Ilya’s accent thickens through his tears. “Wow.”
Sean gives them a moment to share, and Shane looks back up to get another peek at their child. Ilya distantly wonders if his Mama felt this way, if, when she saw him for the first time, she felt this rush; he wonders if she cried. Ilya wipes his tears again and clears his throat; the memories familiarly weigh on his chest, but he’s able to sit with it and let it coexist with the elation of seeing his child for the first time.
“Malysh,” Ilya murmurs.
Shane blinks and swipes at his cheeks, “Yes, Ilyushka?”
Ilya smiles as Shane gets on his level, then he places a small, quick peck on his cheek, “I can’t wait to show Yuna and David.”
Shane hums, grinning, “They’re going to freak out.”
Sean takes the final photos, removes the wand, and cleans up Ilya’s stomach as Shane sits back down.
“Everything is looking perfect,” he tells them, as a few strips of photos print out. “We can get your next few scans set up here in a minute after the OBGYN comes in to discuss the scan with you.”
They take the photos and nod as Sean wraps up, Ilya unfolds one of the strips and sighs happily, his thumb stroking one of the photos. Shane kisses his temple before resting their heads together and looking at the photos.
“Thank you, Sean,” Ilya looks up, smiling.
“You guys are very welcome,” he says as he sets a few papers up for the doctor and heads to the door. “Have a nice day, you two.”
“You too!” They say back, unable to look away from the strip.
— . ୨ ♡ ୧ . —
Ilya can feel the photos burning a hole in his cross-body bag as they drive to Yuna and David’s for dinner. Shane hasn’t stopped smiling since they left the doctor's office, and Ilya hasn’t either.
“Do you want it to be a boy or a girl?” Shane asks, looking over at him quickly.
“Ooo,” Ilya scratches his chin and turns his head, dreamily staring at his husband, “I do not know, I would love them either way. I just want a big, strong baby.”
“I agree,” he nods. “Were you a big baby?”
“I think so,” Ilya smiles, “I haven’t seen many photos, but I think I was chunky. What about you?”
Shane chuckles, “Oh yeah,” he stops at a red light, turning to meet Ilya’s gaze, “I think I was 10 pounds.”
“Our poor mothers.”
“Ilyusha,” Shane bites his bottom lip, “poor you.”
“Oh.” Ilya’s hand cups his stomach, “Man.”
Shane caresses Ilya’s cheek, and Ilya then takes his hand, leaving a kiss on it. Shane thinks about how much has changed. He thinks of the times when this much change, this quickly, would have sent him into a tizzy a few years ago. Ilya smiles at him and breaks him from his thoughts.
“Never mind that, I have ideas for everything about our baby, I have been thinking.”
“Oh yea?” Shane begins driving again.
“Yes, yes,” He nods dramatically, “I want to keep photo books, and I want to make the baby food, is cheaper and better.”
“Oh, I read an article on that, I love it.”
“How do you feel about co-sleeping?”
“Absolutely not,” Shane says quite finally, “They can have a crib in our room, they can have a pack ‘n play, or something, but they’re not co-sleeping.”
Ilya clicks his tongue, “Perfect answer, Shanya.”
For the rest of the drive to their parents, they bounce ideas off each other. Ilya types up a list of things they agree on in his notes while Shane strokes his thigh.
Ilya is first in the door when they arrive, popping his head through the door, “It is Ilya and Shane! We are here!”
Ilya slips his hand into Shane’s as they walk in, closing the door behind them. Yuna and David meet them halfway with open arms.
“Just in time, dinner’s almost ready!” David hugs Shane, ruffling his hair as Yuna hugs Ilya.
“It smells good,” Shane compliments as they switch, Yuna now hugging him.
“It smells like my favorite,” Ilya grins, his stomach grumbling loudly as he separates from hugging David.
“Yes! Yes, we made chicken Parmesan,” Yuna confirms, ushering them into the dining room to sit.
“Thank you, Mom,” Shane sits at the table next to Ilya.
“It’s no problem,” David waves off, grabbing a few glasses from the bar, “vodka?”
Ilya licks his lips and sighs, “Ah, no, thank you. If you have a Coke, that would be okay.”
Shane nods, looking between David, who is rooting in the fridge for a drink, and Ilya, who is smiling at him calmly. “A ginger ale for me, please, Dad.”
“Got it!”
Yuna raises an eyebrow as she pours herself a glass of red wine. She sits across from Shane, swishing her glass. Ilya’s denial of the vodka was incredibly suspicious, especially as he knew David bought the good, expensive Russian vodka. She files it away, though, passing Ilya his Coke and Shane his ginger ale.
“So,” Yuna begins, “how has everything been?”
“Good, good, I think preseason will go well,” Ilya says, smiling as he cracks open his drink.
“Y-yea.” Shane has underestimated how difficult it would be to wait before telling them, and has very much overestimated his lying skills.
Ilya furrows his brows and sets his hand on Shane’s knee comfortingly. He grips his can of ginger ale and looks up at his parents, who are now looking at him questioningly.
“It’s just been a long week, with the camps and everything.”
David nods, “There’s nothing we can help with?”
Shane and Ilya look at each other, then look back at David.
“Yes, but we can eat dinner first,” Ilya decides, “I am too hungry to talk about this right now.”
“Wait- talk about what Ilya?” Yuna holds up her hand in a stop motion, “Can’t you just tell us now?”
Ilya shakes his head, “It is a small ask, I promise, but, as I said, I am very hungry. Would it be okay to eat first?”
“Yea- yes,” Yuna nods, “it should be done soon, honey, come help me bring everything to the table.”
David follows her into the kitchen, Ilya watching him leave, then turning to Shane.
“We are good, Shanya,” Ilya coos, “just breathe, and we will get through this.”
He nods slowly, leaning over to kiss Ilya, his heartbeat slowing down as their lips meet in a slow, purposeful kiss. Shane sighs as they separate, his eyes half lidded, and his mouth quirked up in a gentle smile.
“That always helps,” He mumbles as Ilya sits back, still gripping onto him.
“I noticed,” Ilya chuckles, cupping Shane’s cheek, “it is cute.”
Before Shane can tease Ilya back, Yuna and David walk back into the room with a few pots in hand. Ilya excitedly sits back up straight, winking at Shane as David begins serving up the food. Yuna kisses David’s shoulder and sits in her chair, so she can begin passing around the salad.
Yuna watches them carefully as they all eat. Her son is a terrible secret keeper; she’d figured that out after she told Shane about David’s birthday gift one year, and he told his father in a matter of days. So she did not believe she’d be in the dark for much longer, but that does not mean she likes being kept in the dark.
“Thank you for dinner, you guys,” Ilya compliments and wipes his mouth with a napkin after a pretty large bite. “It’s very good.”
Shane smiles while he chews, “Thank you, guys.”
“It’s no problem, boys.” She shrugs, sipping her wine and shifting in her seat a little.
“We were just happy that you guys had the time to have dinner with us; we know how busy it’s been,” David adds on.
“We’ll always have time for you,” Shane reassures, “besides, we have to talk to you.”
“Ah, yes, the ask.” Yuna narrows her eyes curiously.
“Mom-”
“Sorry, just-” Yuna sighs, “you know how I am.”
“I know, Mom,” Shane says as he looks at Ilya, who is still shoveling food into his mouth.
“It’s nothing, bad, right?” She asks, her fingers wrapped tightly around the wine glass stem.
Ilya shakes his head, setting down his fork, “No, no, it is good news.”
That lets Yuna relax enough for her to stand down for now, much to Shane’s relief. David takes a thoughtful sip of his vodka and looks at the two of them.
“How is everything going for the last camp weekend for the foundation?”
“Good, we have Hayden and most of the Centaurs coming out to coach. I think it’ll be good.”
“I am very excited to see the kids again,” Ilya says after he swallows, “I love the kids.”
“Those kids do love you, guys,” David chuckles.
“They like Ilya because he plays with them, he’s the fun coach.” Shane smiles, looking at Ilya.
“Da, I am the fun coach,” He shrugs, “but you are Shane Hollander and the kids think that is very cool.”
“Oh, hush,” Yuna rolls her eyes playfully, “They like both of you the same.”
“I know,” he grins toothily, “but I like teasing Shane.”
“Oh, trust us, we noticed,” she laughs while cutting a piece of chicken.
The rest of dinner flows well without mention of the yet-to-be-discussed news, which leaves Shane very grateful. They end up in the living room, Ilya nursing another Coke on the couch with Shane cuddled into his side, sipping a decaf coffee. Yuna and David sit on the couch to the side of them, both of them looking at the two expectantly.
“Well,” Yuna has her hand folded over her lap, “I’m about to explode, you guys, you have to tell us.”
Ilya laughs and looks to Shane, whose eyes are already sparkling with tears. Shane nods, stroking his thigh and kissing his shoulder.
“Right now, Shane is very busy because he is dealing with a lot of my obligations, phone calls, and emails,” Ilya explains.
Yuna’s questioning eyebrow quirks up again, and she turns to David, finding a similar look on his face, before letting Ilya continue.
“We were wondering if you guys would be able to help out with that sort of stuff.”
“Yes, of course, Ilya,” Yuna nods before her expression falters, “Are you okay?”
“H-he’s okay,” Shane assures, “uh, it’s just been a lot for me to deal with by myself, you know?”
“We can help you guys, son,” David wraps an arm around Yuna, “but could you tell us more?”
“We’ll always help you two, Ilya,” She leans forward a bit, “but is everything okay? I mean-”
Shane licks his lips nervously. “Everything is okay,” he pats Ilya’s leg. “Go ahead and show them, Ilyushka.”
Ilya nods, moving to rifle through his cross-body bag, pulling out the folded-up strip of photos, “I’ve been very sick recently, which is why Shane has been dealing with everything.” He leans over to hand Yuna the photos.
Yuna nods slowly, “Are you pr-” She lets the photos fall open, and her breath hitches, “Oh my god.”
David gulps, running a hand over his mouth as tears fill his eyes, “You guy-”
Ilya and Shane both nod, “We found out last week, but the sonogram was today.” Ilya sniffles while his free hand caresses his still stomach.
Shane looks to his parents anxiously, with misty eyes, a doubt still swirling in his head that they may not be happy. He meets his mom’s eyes, expecting a tightly pulled lip or sigh; instead, she sets the photos on the coffee table and gets up to throw herself around the two in a tearful hug.
“I can’t believe this,” Yuna cries, cupping both their faces as they part from the hug. “This is wonderful news, you guys.”
David is next for hugs, ruffling both of their hair in the process. Shane’s smiling with a bright, joyous smile and wiping at his cheeks as Yuna and David settle back into the couch.
“I just never thought you’d be having kids,” David says, in disbelief.
Yuna nods beside him, “I mean, just with the whole-”
“The gay thing?” Shane chuckles, “I know, it’s a surprise, we were surprised Ilya’s able to have kids. But we’re so excited.”
Yuna coos, glancing at David again, who pulls her into a hug. They pick the photos back up, analyzing each, taking every peak of their grandchild they can. Despite all this joy, Ilya’s chest feels heavy, heavier than when he thought of his Mama earlier, heavier than when they found out a week ago. He realizes slowly, somehow, just in this moment, that he would never tell his Mama about their child, that she would never hold them, or know them. But he swallows and lets tears trickle down his face.
Shane watches Ilya carefully, cataloging every lip tremble and muscle movement. He looks wistful, tragedied- Shane knows this face, this quiet brewing of sadness deep in Ilya’s gut, he knows what he’s thinking about, who he’s thinking of. He nudges Ilya, causing him to look to Shane.
“You okay?”
Ilya takes a deep breath and nods, “Yes, I will be.”
Shane knows he’s lying, but he also knows he’s not lying like he used to; he’s lying to save face. He knows Ilya would much prefer to talk to Shane later, when they get home. Shane lets it be; he lets Yuna and David ask all the questions they like, from the baby to their plans to who knows. He lets Ilya process through what he needs to, and he lets his parents bask in the news.
— . ୨ ♡ ୧ . —
When they get back home, Ilya is quiet, almost scarily so, but he says hello to Anya before he gets into his pajamas. Shane expects to see Ilya in the bedroom after he’s gotten out of the bathroom, he changes into his own nightwear, and heads out to the front.
“Ilyusha!” He calls, but he doesn’t see Anya where she was on the couch.
He makes his way out to the backyard, where Ilya is sitting with his back to the door, and Anya curled up in his lap.
“Ilya,” he says, sitting next to him, slotting himself into his side, burying his face into Ilya and breathing deeply, “You wanna talk to me?”
“I miss my Mama.” Ilya’s voice shakes, and his accent thickens as tears fill his eyes again.
“Oh, Ilya,” Shane murmurs, turning Ilya’s face to him.
“Yuna was so happy to hear of her grandchild; it just made me think of her.”
“Do you think she’d have been happy?”
“I do not know,” he sighs, “that is what kills me. I want to say she would have been happy, I want to say that she would have accepted me, us. I do not know, but I want to know.” his voice is trembling now, his words are heavy with tears, “But I do not get to know.”
Shane can’t assuage this pain, and it tears him up inside.
“I am happy, so happy, moya lyubov,” he wipes his nose, “please do not think that I’m not happy.”
“I know you’re happy, Ilyusha, I know.” He cradles Ilya’s cheeks, stroking them.
Ilya smiles weakly through his tears, “I can’t stop thinking about her. I just want her to be here. I want her to hold our child. I’m very happy but the fact she will never see our child makes me so sad, Shane.”
“I’m sorry, Ilya, I’m so sorry.”
Ilya nods, swallowing and leaning into Shane’s touch. He has nothing left to say; he’s laid all his cards bare, and now he lets Shane comfort him.
“She’s with you, Ilyushka, she’s always with you,” he coos, his hand moving to cover Ilya’s heart, “I’m sorry she can’t know us, or our baby. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, we cannot do anything to fix it,” he says, kissing Shane’s cheek and nuzzling into him, “I just needed to say that. I will talk with Galina about it soon.”
“Thank you for telling me,” he mumbles.
“Always, malysh,” he leans down to kiss Shane, his hands cupping his face, “the sadness is always there, always with me, but talking about it with you, Shanya, makes me feel better. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome,” he can’t help the smile that tugs on his lips as they settle back into the bench.
Anya settles between both of them as they stargaze, breath slowing and hearts calming. Tonight was difficult and heavy, and tomorrow Ilya will still miss his Mama, but he will also love Shane and will most definitely love their baby.