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After thinking about it for a long time, I finally came to a conclusion...
With determination, I finally got out of bed. I hadn’t felt like leaving it after everything that had happened, only staying there and sinking into an endless cycle of self-destruction, tormenting myself over the fact that you had made that decision to save someone as useless as me. You were selfish. I hated you. I hated that you did that. That you gave your life to save someone as pathetic as me. Someone so stupid that never understood your true feelings.
But eventually, after I cooled my head, I was able to think more logically. I couldn’t hate you. No. If I did, then I would be minimizing your feelings, and no... that was the last thing I wanted to do now. I had already hurt you enough while you were alive. At the very least, I don’t want to do that now. I don’t want to see that sad look in your eyes again in my dreams.
And finally, I arrived. I parked the motorcycle in a secluded spot before sneaking inside. The last thing I wanted was to get caught by one of those disgusting aliens.
When the infiltration was successful, I entered. Honestly, I was already beginning to regret making this decision. But I was already here. Isaac and Dewey had helped me with this.
The moment I took a step forward, I was greeted by most of the outfits you once wore in photoshoots and promotional videos. Behind the glass displays were pictures of you wearing those outfits.
And among them was the outfit you wore while participating in Alien Stage. Round 3. Black Sorrow. I had only seen part of your performance. Still, I walked closer, and the moment I did, the screen on the display case began playing the video of your performance from the beginning. I was tempted to walk away. I wanted to. I wanted to run, but my legs refused to obey. The video started, and I couldn’t stop myself from watching that performance.
When it reached that part, I couldn’t stop the painful tug in my chest. You were looking in my direction. That look... that look was different from the ones I was used to seeing from you. So many emotions were there. The intensity you put into your voice while looking at me. Was that what I had missed? Was that why you asked me if I had watched your performance all the way through? You had confessed your love to me on stage, and I never saw it. I watched your performance from beginning to end. Then I stepped away, only a few steps, continuing past the rest of the display cases showing your other outfits while keeping my distance because I didn’t want another one of your videos to start playing. I was still processing Black Sorrow.
Then I reached the section where your personal belongings were displayed. The moment I approached the display case, a video started playing, but the voice wasn’t yours. It was Unsha’s voice speaking in the alien language.
"Ivan was talented at most things, but if there was one thing he lacked skill in, it was drawing. I wanted to hire him a teacher, but he refused. This is one of the few drawings I managed to recover, considering how much time had passed and how well hidden it was."
It was a drawing where Ivan could clearly be seen. Well, at least it was easy for me to recognize. For others, it probably would’ve been hard to tell what you had tried to draw because it looked like something made by a five- or six-year-old child, even though judging by the date written there, you would’ve already been around eighteen years old. And yet you were still drawing stick figures.
You had given yourself dog ears and given me cat ears. You had put way too much effort into drawing me, even though your inexperience was obvious because I ended up looking like a furball. I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw that drawing. I looked ridiculous. I brushed my gloved hand against the glass display.
“I wish you had come closer to me. I could’ve given you some advice on how to improve. It would’ve been a good excuse to keep my attention on you.” I smiled while continuing to look at the drawing. “You’re an idiot, Ivan. If you had come to me back then, I wouldn’t have laughed at you. I would’ve guided you. I would’ve been your private teacher.”
After seeing that drawing, I kept looking through the rest of your belongings. Among them, another thing that made me stop was your bookmark. It was a flower similar to the one from our “Cheer Up” moment. I knew it wasn’t that same flower because back when we were students at Anakt Garden, I would always go back to look at it. Even though I had felt angry because you rejected my friendship. But now I understand that even though you were intelligent in other areas, you still needed to think about your words before saying them whenever you were around me.
“You didn’t consider me your friend. Because you felt something more for me. But back then, you didn’t understand what you were feeling...”
I continued walking through the section of your belongings.
And there was something else there.
The pen I gave you.
"One of Ivan’s most treasured possessions. He used this pen for everything. If it ran out of ink, he would somehow refill it himself. I never understood why he wouldn’t throw it away. If he wanted, I could’ve given him one of much better quality. In fact, I bought him several better-quality pens, but he always removed the ink cartridges from them just to put them into this pen instead." Unsha’s voice echoed inside the display case, where small speakers had been installed, while behind it were photos of Ivan using the pen on different occasions.
“No matter how high-quality those pens were, Ivan didn’t care because to him, that simple pen was valuable because I gave it to him.”
I kept looking at more of your things until I reached the section where your unreleased songs were being shown. I could see how different your musical style truly was compared to the image Unsha forced you to present.
I listened to them for a long time until Nowhere and Paratise started playing...
Those were the ones that felt the most personal and intimate. Once again, it felt like I was being hit with another harsh reality check about how blind I had been all this time.
Then I finally reached a special area. This was a stage where a hologram of you would perform different songs or iconic performances.
“Till. Are you sure you want to go in there?” Isaac’s voice came through the communicator in my ear.
“I’m sure. I’m going in.”
“Alright. Is there any performance you want to watch specifically?”
“Play Round 6 of Alien Stage.”
“Till…”
“I’m ready. I’ll be fine.” I heard Isaac sigh.
“The performance will begin in a few minutes. Till, you don’t need to force yourself to do this.”
“I’m going to watch that performance.”
After a few minutes, I finally came out. Yeah...
I definitely still wasn’t ready.
The air had left my lungs; I was struggling to breathe. My cheeks felt damp, but all I could feel was my heart squeezing in my chest. It hurt... It hurt so much...
After a long while, I finally managed to pull myself together.
Tears kept falling from my eyes. I couldn’t stop crying.
“Why? Dewey, why? Ivan should still be alive, not me. I should be dead. Nobody would’ve cared.”
“Till. I understand that it still hurts. It’s a wound that still hasn’t healed properly. But let me correct you. You are valuable. Thanks to you, we’ve rescued several children from Anakt Garden. The children feel safe around you. Every child, the moment they wake up, the first thing they ask is where you are. You are not someone without value. On the contrary, you are someone precious. And that’s something all of us have noticed, especially Ivan. He didn’t see you as just a grumpy, rebellious boy. He saw beyond that. That’s why he chose for you to keep living. Despite all the hardships, you kept standing firm. No matter how many times your alien punished you in Anakt Garden, you still remained rebellious, holding onto your values. That’s something worthy of admiration. In life, there will be hundreds of hardships and injustices. But even so, if you fall, we’ll help you back up. No matter how many times you fall, Till, you’re not alone anymore. We’re with you. And you matter. Let’s go home. I heard there’s chocolate cake.” Dewey began pulling me along, and despite everything, I let him pull me away from there.
Once we arrived at the base, we talked about all kinds of things while eating cake.
And when it was finally time to return to my room, I lay down on my bed, pulling out the Ivan plushie I had stolen from the merchandise section of the museum.
"I love you." said the plushie with your voice. I smiled as I hugged it.
“I love you too, Ivan. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize my feelings. I’ll keep moving forward, not only for you, but also for myself. And for the rest of the people who believe in me,” I murmured as my eyes slowly began to grow heavy.
“I love you, Till.”
But that voice didn’t come from the plushie. Beside him, an angelic figure smiled while gently caressing his face once he had fallen asleep. “I will always love you.” A kiss was placed on Till’s forehead before that angelic figure stepped away from him and slowly faded until disappearing completely.
But he would never truly die, because in Till’s heart and dreams, Ivan would always remain with him.