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When he promised Lily he’d watch Harry for the afternoon, Remus had expected to play some games with the almost five-year-old, maybe read a dozen books like Harry always demanded, and then fall asleep with him on the sofa until he was relieved of his duty. What he hadn’t expected at all was Sirius Black already sitting at the dining table, looking just as shocked as Remus felt, and no Lily or James in sight.
“What—?”
“Remus—!”
No more words came out of Remus’ mouth, and it seemed Sirius was just as speechless. Remus’ heart picked up speed immediately, his face heating up, his shirt suddenly uncomfortable around the collar and he felt a little like throwing up. The only one not affected was Harry, currently enjoying what Remus assumed to be his lunch.
“Moony!” Harry waved at Remus excitedly, his spoon full of food that was now on its way to the floor. At least someone here was happy to see him.
The splash of peas on the otherwise pristine tile shook Remus out of his stupor. “Lily said they needed me to babysit Harry.”
“James told me they needed me.” There was something akin to challenge in Sirius’ eyes, the eyes that had once held fondness for Remus now hard as steel.
Remus met Sirius’ gaze and forced himself to keep eye-contact. “I was told you weren’t available.”
“I made myself available.”
“And didn’t tell Lily that?”
“I told James. Is it my fault they didn’t communicate? Really, after all these years, they should—”
Sirius seemed to realise what he was saying the same moment his words stabbed into Remus’ heart and he cut himself off.
They hadn’t spoken in almost two years—since Harry’s third birthday, actually, not that Remus was keeping count—and if he had ever imagined a reunion, Remus thought he would have been more prepared. He’d hoped he would. As it was… he couldn’t keep standing in front of Sirius like this, or he’d soon say—or do—something he’d regret. Like he already regretted every single thing he’d said years ago.
“I’ll just leave,” he said quietly, still observing the scene in front of him like it was a dream rather than reality, something from another life, one he didn’t deserve to have. It had taken him nearly an hour to get here since he’d decided he’d been too tired to Apparate, but it didn’t matter now. He should leave. He needed to leave, so he’d Apparate back home even if it killed him.
“Wait. Remus. Stay.”
Remus had already been nearly out the room, but he turned back, facing Sirius again in shock. Sirius had blurted out the words like he was afraid if he didn’t speak fast enough Remus would disappear. And he had risen a few inches off his chair too, perhaps ready to grab Remus before he ran off?
“Stay?” Remus repeated, like he hadn’t just heard Sirius say it. He hated the hopefulness he heard in his own tone.
“You’re already here,” Sirius offered his explanation, which was nothing, really. He sat back down, looking sheepishly at Remus. “I didn’t know they’d asked you, I swear.”
“That’s fine.” Sirius was Harry’s godfather, after all, and therefore the first option for babysitter. But he was also often busy with his work—unlike Remus, who was mostly busy looking for work—so Remus was called in instead. He probably should have expected something like this to happen at some point, it really was a miracle it had taken this long. “But I really shouldn’t—”
“Are you leaving?” Harry piped up, frowning at Remus, and the way his little eyebrows furrowed was simultaneously adorable and hilarious. And it told Remus he needed to choose his next words carefully; Harry could throw an incredible tantrum when he didn’t get his way.
“Of course he isn’t,” Sirius said before Remus could say anything. He ignored Remus’ glare and continued, “More the merrier, isn’t it?”
Harry let out a little exclamation of joy and dug back into his food. It really was so cute.
“Yes, of course,” Remus heard himself say, watching carefully for Sirius’ reaction. Did the corners of his mouth twitch into an approximation of a smile? Remus wasn’t sure when the last time Sirius had smiled at him had been. His insides clenched, a cold and heavy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach, almost making him keel over. He supposed they really were doing this.
“All done!” Harry announced, stealing Remus’ focus again.
“Go wash up and we’ll meet you in the living room,” Sirius told him, Harry hurrying to obey.
A fresh wave of nausea rolled over Remus at being left in the room alone with Sirius. He tried to avoid looking at Sirius, but his eyes were drawn to him like Sirius was magnetic. He still looked the exactly the same, beautiful in a way Remus could never fully articulate—two years felt simultaneously a lifetime and went by in a blink of an eye—but Remus thought he might look different, uglier, with his new scar running across his temple. Embarrassingly, it had nothing to do with his lycanthropy like could be assumed; he’d tripped over a stack of books at home and hit his head on the corner of a table. Hopefully Sirius assumed it would be because of Moony.
“This is not appropriate,” Remus hissed at Sirius the moment he deemed Harry out of earshot.
“Why wouldn’t it be? We’re just two friends taking care of another friend’s child,” Sirius shot back, deliberately lowering his voice so there wasn’t a chance for Harry to accidentally hear. A look Remus might have described as cruel if he’d had the chance to look at it long enough crossed over Sirius’ features; Sirius knew exactly what his words were doing to Remus. ‘Just friends’ bounced around in Remus’ mind and soon took on an entirely different cadence, faster and snappier, spoken in anger and resentment.
Sirius turned away from him before Remus could try to see if he seemed hurt—to see if he’d been reliving that same disastrous moment Remus was—and walked over to the living room where they could hear Harry jumping on the sofa and terrorising the cat. Remus was left speechless and simmering where he stood.
Sirius must have been telling the truth and Lily didn’t know what had happened; she would have never let things come to this, at least not without being present herself. She was the only one of their friends who Remus had felt comfortable enough sharing everything that had gone wrong in the final stretches of his and Sirius’ relationship all those years ago, when talking to James or Peter had felt too awkward. He also knew Sirius was equally close with her, probably even closer, but she’d adamantly refused to gossip—something Peter especially struggled with, which was how Remus had found out about some of the worse things Sirius hadn’t felt like he could to talk to Remus about. This had probably truly been an accident.
It didn’t ease the turmoil in Remus’ gut, now so strong he felt like he might throw up if he couldn’t get himself to calm down. He drew in a few calming breaths, deliberate and slow. Accident or no, he was determined to not let Harry pick up on the mess that was their relationship, so he schooled his expression to a hopefully neutral one and joined Harry and Sirius in the living room. He sat as far from Sirius as he could—thankfully the Potters had invested in a large sofa. Had they been at Remus’, they would have had to sit side by side, legs undoubtedly touching, Sirius’ warmth seeping through their trousers and making Remus—
“Moony!” Harry’s bright and loud voice got Remus out of his thoughts faster than he could have done it himself, the reminder of the situation he was currently in dissolving his blush immediately.
Harry all but ran over—nearly knocking over the cat who had the unfortunate timing of trying to cross the room—holding a book Remus knew to be his favourite. Remus’ heart swelled from how cute Harry was, and also because he’d chosen Remus over Sirius, which wasn’t something that had ever happened.
“Do you want to read this with me?” Remus asked, ready to send Sirius a look of malicious glee when Harry’s eyes widened comically before he unceremoniously dropped the book in Remus’ lap.
“Fort!” Harry yelled, sudden urgency in his tone, running back over to where Sirius was sitting. So much for Remus getting chosen.
“Fort?” Remus repeated, glancing at Sirius, unsure what Harry meant.
“I, uh… promised we’d build a blanket fort after he ate. I forgot. He clearly didn’t.”
Remus met Sirius’ eyes and from the shine in them and the way the smile he’d aimed at Harry turned sombre, Remus knew at once they were both thinking about the same thing. When they’d moved in together years ago, they hadn’t had a bed in the first few days—a low priority for a couple of young men responsible for their own home for the first time—so they’d gathered all the pillows and blankets they owned and slept on the floor, and the blanket fort they’d pitched had been cosy enough to last them weeks, even after they’d gotten an actual bed.
Harry was already tugging Sirius up from his seat, breaking the tension that had managed to weave its way between Remus and Sirius. They could build a blanket fort again, there was no need to throw a fit over it. This was about Harry, not Remus.
“There are a bunch of pillows and blankets in the cupboard under the stairs,” Sirius told Remus. “Do you think you could—?”
“Yes, I got it.”
Remus was thankful for getting sent away from the room even for the short moment it took him to stride over to the stairs and gather as many of the pillows and blankets as he could carry in his arms. It seemed being in the same space with Sirius was still doing all sorts of weird stuff to his brain and it didn’t matter they were so much older and wiser now than when they’d been teens. At least Remus had felt like he was wiser, all the years spent perfecting his knowledge paying off. It didn’t matter that his knowledge pertained mostly to magical creatures and not how to be civil around your ex, but it seemed less important now.
Harry squealed in joy and ran around flinging himself off any surface whenever Remus or Sirius doubled a pillow, rushing to thrust them all over for Harry to land on. They were making more than they could possibly need, but they seemed to have an unspoken agreement to make the best fort imaginable.
Harry wasn’t of much help in the actual building of the fort, though he did his best, in his excitement somehow managing to fling pillows and blankets all over the room with his errant magic, just as Remus or Sirius were about to fix them in place. Children’s magic was something Remus had always found endearing, but after the fifth time it happened he could hear Sirius taking a few deliberately deep breaths. Remus caught the look of panic in his eyes and wanted to go over to him and pull him in his arms, but at the same time he wanted laugh at his frustration. He chose the latter, obviously, and Sirius didn’t bother hiding his annoyance just before a pillow was lobbed at Remus, who’d been sitting on the floor and didn’t have time to get out of the way. He still managed to catch the tiny movement of lips and eyebrows, betraying the relief on Sirius’ face when Remus had laughed instead of chided him for losing his temper, and it made his insides warm.
“Oh, just what I needed,” Remus said, exaggeratedly cheerful as he added the pillow to the pile he’d been in the process of perfecting for maximum comfort. “Thank you, Sirius.”
His tone had been a little too genuine with gratitude, and he caught the confused crease of Sirius’ brow before a blanket was fixed in place between them, temporarily hiding Sirius from Remus’ view. Heat rose to Remus’ cheeks and he briefly hid his face into the mountain of pillows and suppressed the urge to scream.
Sirius quickly constructed the rest of the fort around where Remus was sitting, Remus’ view of the living room narrowing by the minute and soon he was encased in the dimness that came with sitting in a canopy of blankets. He conjured a few lights to float around the new ceiling just as Harry crawled in, little hands full of seemingly every teddy he owned. They were in the process of settling all of them comfortably when Sirius also crawled in—with significantly more difficulty than Harry due to his size and Remus was suddenly grateful Sirius had decided to build the fort around him. He’d probably have to get out only when they disassembled it, he was not going to attempt crawling out.
“Your friends sure are taking a lot of space, Prongslet,” Sirius remarked as he moved Hedwig the Owl slightly to the side so they’d all fit in a little more comfortably. “What’s that Muggle saying, Moony? ‘We’re packed like fish?’”
“Like sardines,” Remus agreed, feeling like they were just that. It was cosy for sure, Harry squeezed in between Sirius and Remus, who were in turn squeezed between all of Harry’s ‘friends.’
Sirius leaned over to arrange a pillow against Remus to support his bad leg. Remus was about to open his mouth to tell him he could have done that himself, but no words came out, only a pitiful sound he loathed to describe as a whimper. Between that and the casual way Sirius had just called him ‘Moony’ like it was nothing, Remus didn’t know what to feel. Sirius likely didn’t even care how Remus was instantly transported back to the nights they’d spent in their blanket fort, the nickname whispered into the stuffy air with much more reverence and passion. Remus was sure his face was so red he blended in with the pillow his head was on.
Sirius paid him no mind and was settling in to lie down on Harry’s other side, Harry’s favourite book already in hand.
“Moony reads,” Harry demanded immediately. “Do the voices!”
“I can do voices,” Sirius said, sounding genuinely offended.
Remus took the book from Sirius, sparing a short moment to celebrate the turn of events and the sour look on Sirius’ face, before he realised what reading with Harry would actually mean right now. He was suddenly very self-conscious, lying here in the small, snug space with Harry and Sirius, reading a children’s book and doing funny voices. He was certain his face was still bright red, but at least his voice was steady.
Annoyingly, Sirius was turned to him so that Remus could see him watching. Their eyes met every time Remus turned even the slightest bit to his left. He didn’t have time to decipher the softness of Sirius’ gaze, the small smile on his lips, and tried to focus on the book. Unfortunately, Harry was very observant and also knew the book by heart, so he noticed immediately when Remus’ voice wavered and he repeated words, telling him to start over many times. Sirius’ infuriating smirk only grew.
By the third time Remus had started from the beginning, he was able to finally ignore Sirius and managed to get to the end of the short story. Harry’s breathing evened out and soon it became evident he’d fallen asleep.
“Should we move him?” Remus asked quietly, unable to keep the adoration from his voice at the sight of the sleeping Harry.
“The best naps are slept in a blanket fort,” Sirius said sagely. Gently, he removed Harry’s little glasses and put them aside. Harry immediately curled up against Sirius’ side and Remus had to suppress the noise threatening to rise from his throat at the sight.
Sirius gave him another smile and this time it was so fond Remus was once again thrown back in time several years. He ached to reach over the small distance between them and run his hand along Sirius’ cheek, feel those cheekbones he’d known so well, if only to confirm nothing had changed even when he knew everything had.
“Don’t smile at me,” Remus said, or rather choked out.
He didn’t know why he’d expected anything else, but Sirius didn’t stop, just smiled wider, eyes seeming to sparkle now.
“Why?” Remus tried to sound exasperated, but his question came out as a whine rivalling Harry’s best.
“You’re cute,” Sirius said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “If… I’m allowed to think that anymore.”
“I can’t control what you think.”
“But you want to control when I smile.”
“That’s only because—” Remus quickly cut himself off before he said something he’d immediately regret. When the day had started he hadn’t anticipated reuniting with Sirius after all this time and now they were lying here, in a blanket fort with a child sleeping between them and it was very nice, and quickly becoming too much to handle if Remus didn’t rein in his feelings.
“Because…?” Sirius prompted.
Because soon Remus wouldn’t be able keep his hands to himself, not when Sirius was this close and they were talking about things, not snapping or yelling at each other, and Sirius thought Remus was cute. He wanted to tell Sirius he absolutely was allowed to think that, even say that, but what sort of a message would that send?
The sound of an arm moving against the pillows caught Remus’ attention and then something soft brushed against his hand. Remus knew without even looking down that Sirius had hooked his pinky around Remus’, the movement quick and casual, but he wasn’t looking at Remus this time, betraying his insecurity. Remus didn’t move away. He did what he believed Sirius wanted and didn’t acknowledge what he’d done, but he also didn’t move away.
Remus’ mind was screaming at him to put an end to this—whatever this was about to become—before something irrevocable happened. Holding hands in a magical blanket fort now didn’t erase the years of miscommunication before their eventual break up. He needed to remind himself of all the times he’d hated what they’d had more than he’d loved it, but it was admittedly getting hard to recall now. So what if they’d argued constantly and then made it worse with the way they’d refused to acknowledge the true cause, trying to deal with it in their own ways—something Remus had realised only about after a year into their no-talking stage and by then it had been too late.
“Do you remember the first nights we spent in our flat?” Sirius asked suddenly, voice so quiet it couldn’t even be called a whisper anymore. Remus wasn’t sure he’d meant to hear it at all until the back of Sirius’ hand nudged him in the side.
“It’s all I’ve been able to think about,” Remus heard himself admitting. He couldn’t look at Sirius, instead focusing on where the several blankets overlapped as the ceiling to their fort, letting his gaze drift along the lines. There was a distinct cat-shaped lump right in the middle of their roof and Remus fondly imagined the old black and white cat choosing to rest in the room with them instead of anywhere else in the house, despite his clear dislike of anyone but Lily.
“Yeah. Back when we were young and full of hope,” Sirius sighed dramatically.
Remus couldn’t help smiling. “And stupid.”
“So, so stupid,” Sirius agreed.
Young and full of hope was actually the perfect description of their past selves. They’d had hope for a future neither had planned properly, and when it had come time to face the reality of growing up, living together as a couple and not as dorm mates, it had all fallen apart.
“I don’t believe we’re better off as just friends,” Sirius blurted out, catching the volume of his voice towards the end of his sentence. He continued in a whisper, “I mean, we didn’t even keep going as friends.”
“Yeah, because I fucking love you. Loved.”
Sirius turned to him then, eyes wide. Behind the shock Remus could see an almost calculating look in his eyes. His face heated instantly.
“I didn’t mean to— Fuck.”
“No, continue.” Sirius’ voice was soft, not demanding despite his words. His eyes, though, were pleading—shining and so beautiful—and Remus could almost hear the— “Please.”
Remus stared back, which didn’t make trying to gather his thoughts any easier. It was like his mind finally deflated, accepted this reality he now found himself in, one where Sirius was here and it didn’t make him want to cry. In fact, this was… good. Beyond the initial shock, the burst of his guilt coming back, Remus had to admit he felt… happy now.
“What did you mean? You love me like you love James?” Sirius inquired when Remus was quiet for too long. Fingers linked in with Remus’ and he let them. Now neither could pretend this wasn’t what it so clearly was. “Or Peter. Lily. Harry. Or… you love me like—?”
“You’re the biggest wanker I’ve ever met,” Remus scoffed, unable to keep fondness out of his voice and Sirius heard it, if his smirk was anything to go by. “And the biggest fucking mistake I ever made.”
The soft rustle of pillows shifting was the only warning Remus got before Sirius was on top of him, very obviously still mindful of Remus’ injury and not sitting on him with his full weight. To his surprise, Remus’ instinct was to place his hands on Sirius’ waist, grab him and bring him closer, instead of pushing him off. Sirius’ scent hit him, subtle and familiar, reminding Remus of the smell of air after it rained. Or… those slow nights spent with Sirius, when he’d felt safe and wanted.
He didn’t have time to say anything before Sirius’ face was so close to his that for a moment he thought they were kissing, but he was only getting ahead of himself.
Sirius spoke, voice still low, so close his breath hit Remus’ lips. “The mistake part being dating me or…?”
“Letting you go.” He squeezed Sirius harder to emphasise his statement. “And then I tried to ignore everything to do with you because it hurt too much.”
With a little choked whine Sirius leaned in the rest of the way, finally kissing Remus. Relief washed over Remus with such force tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. He quickly blinked them away, hoping Sirius hadn’t noticed. It had been so long since someone had been this close to him, touched him with care and softness his whole body was afire.
The press of Sirius’ lips against his was perfect, everything Remus had missed and more. Hands roamed all over, brushing against different parts tentatively, as if testing if Remus still liked it. Remus kissed deeper and Sirius got bolder, his touch heavier.
Remus could feel the need in the kiss and he let himself believe Sirius had been just as miserable this whole time as he had. His suspicion only grew when Sirius pulled back and Remus could only describe the look in his eyes as desperate.
The tiny movement of Sirius’ hips against his quickly switched Remus’ attention to another growing problem.
“We have a sleeping toddler next to us, you better stop right now,” Remus warned, barely able to get the words out of his mouth as Sirius stroked his cheek, down his jawline and rested his palm against his throat. “Sirius.”
“Remus.” Sirius leaned back down and spoke against Remus’ lips. “You didn’t answer my question. You love me?”
Remus wanted to go back to the groping and grinding, not caring if they woke Harry. But the truth had been fighting to get out for a long time now. “Yes.”
“Tell me.”
“I love you.”
“More.”
“What more do you want? For me to wax poetic about it?”
“That’s sounds pretty good actually. You always were good with words.” Sirius kissed him deeper, simultaneously grinding their hips together, very deliberately this time.
Remus’ response was an embarrassingly loud moan that got them both looking over at Harry in panic. He simply continued sleeping, nearly buried under a mound of pillows.
Sirius recovered first, continuing kissing the side of Remus’ face and down his jaw to his throat.
“Fine, no flowery love confessions, then,” he mumbled against Remus’ skin, sending shivers down his spine. “Just us telling each other what we should have ages ago. I need you to believe me now. I love you.”
“I know.” He’d always known, even if he hadn’t fully accepted it. He’d felt it in everything they did together, unlike how he’d treated Sirius. Sirius, who never got to hear it growing up, believed himself unworthy of it, needed Remus to say it and he hadn’t. The memory of his mistakes clawed a deep, aching wound inside him. “At least… I do now.”
“So you’ve also spent these years going over everything, analysing what went wrong?” At Remus’ vague grunt of affirmation, Sirius continued, “Can you confirm that you wanted me to be with you that one full moon even after we had that explosive fight?”
Remus hated that he immediately knew what Sirius was talking about. He couldn’t remember what they’d been fighting about, but he remembered the feelings—anger, yes, but most of all disappointment and bitter resentment followed by the most agonising sadness Remus had ever felt when he’d realised Sirius wasn’t coming. “Yes, I needed you there.”
“Then… I know it doesn’t undo anything, but I’m sorry I wasn’t.”
Remus shook his head, but then was unsure if Sirius would feel it as he was still buried against Remus’ neck. “I should have told you. Four years ago.”
“Remus, I’m telling you I’m sorry for assuming you wanted space when you didn’t, please accept it.” Sirius sounded so uncharacteristically desperate the earlier tears sprang straight back to Remus’ eyes and no amount of blinking got rid of them this time.
“Okay. Only if you— If I can—” His voice was getting too congested to hide the crying and, infuriatingly, Sirius simply looked at him and waited patiently until he finished what he wanted to say, but all thought escaped his mind as he stared into Sirius’ eyes. He let the tears slip out, nearly bursting into full-blown sobs when Sirius wiped them away, hands warm on Remus’ cheeks, and kissed him softly. When Sirius pulled back, his long eyelashes were clumped together, glistening with moisture though no tears ran down his cheeks.
“You look gorgeous,” slipped out of Remus’ mouth before his brain could catch up. “It’s… unfair, really.”
Sirius’ body shook with laughter as he attempted to stifle it by hiding his face in the crook of Remus’ neck. He was still loud enough that Harry stirred next to them and this time they both caught glimpses of green eyes peeking blearily at them.
Reluctantly, Remus let go of Sirius so he could cuddle with Harry instead. He couldn’t help but answer Sirius’ fond smile with his own as they continued looking at each other over Harry’s head. Sirius reached for Remus hand again, and this time Remus met him halfway.
“When James and Lily come back… Come home with me?” Sirius asked.
Remus didn’t even hesitate before nodding. There were some things left unfinished and they needed to have no audience.