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Lukas didn't know it could feel like this.
Philip has broad shoulders and a firm jaw and a deep, soft voice and he's so obviously, unapologetically male. He's everything Lukas never thought he'd want, but he still can’t stay away, thoughts and eyes and everything drawn to him.
He doesn’t even know what possessed him to kiss Philip, but now that he has, he can’t stop. One minute they’re walking next to each other, Philip with a cocky smirk on his face that makes Lukas feel breathless, and the next Philip’s hands are fisted in his shirt, lips moving softly against his as Lukas presses him against a wall.
I’m not supposed to like you this way, he’d thought, and he’d said, and he means it. He’s supposed to like Rose, had thought he’d loved her, he really did, her hand small and soft in his, her lips firm and teasing. Everything about her was what everyone always told him he would and should like.
And then Philip comes along, and smiles at him, and tries to kiss him and all Lukas can think about is how much he probably shouldn’t have done it but how much he wanted to and how much he still wants to. There’s isn’t a minute that goes by without Lukas thinking about Philip and how he smiles and laughs and challenges him to go further.
He thinks he should probably regret it, but every time he tries to he thinks of Philip and he really, really can’t bring himself to.
-
They’re kissing against a wall, pressed away in a corner like no one will see them like this, covered by shadows. It’s exhilarating, sneaking around, only getting to see Philip when no one else can, everything just for him.
“Philip,” he says, pants, breathless with the way Philip seems to just fist, and he presses another kiss to his lips when Philip’s hands tighten in his shirt. “Philip, what - what are we doing?”
Philip’s lips curl up, brushing against his cheek as he whispers, “We’re kissing.”
Philip’s hand trails up over the skin of his neck and Lukas shivers when Philip rubs his thumb over his bottom lip, hand warm against his jaw. He kisses him again before he says something stupid like I’m in love with you.
“Here?”
“Why not?” Philip says, voice soft as he pulls him closer. Lukas goes with it and presses him back against the wall, harder, like it’s possible to lose himself more than he already has. It’s hard to come up with a reason when Philip kisses him stupid.
-
His heart is pounding as he stares at the screen, at the name Philip glaring back at him, accusing like it somehow knows what happened between them. Lukas doesn’t know what to do. He keeps thinking of Philip on his bed, fitting there, belonging there, and how Philip’s jaw clenched as he pushed him away. He knows it’s his fault, knows he did something wrong, but he doesn’t know how to fix it.
“Lukas?” Philip’s voice is gentle, soft through the static. Lukas can almost picture him, sitting on his own bed, heart maybe skipping a beat
“Hey.”
Philip doesn’t say anything after that, and Lukas picks at a thread on his jeans and tries not to fall apart. This was probably a stupid idea, he never should’ve called. Philip doesn’t want to talk to him. He’s about to hang up when he hears some rustling and a door slam shut.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t- I don’t know what I’m doing.”
It feels horrible to say it out loud, even though it’s true. He always thought he’d find a nice girl and marry her and settle down and instead he’s sneaking behind the back of one with a boy and it’s scary. Lukas feels like he’s falling.
“I know,” Philip says in a soothing tone, and Lukas want to ask him why. He just wants Philip to get angry with him or frustrated with him, anything because he doesn’t - he doesn’t deserve this. Philip’s kindness or Philip’s patience or Philip’s anything.
“I don’t know what I’m doing but I don’t want to stop and that scares me.”
“I know,” Philip says and Lukas is tempted to hit him again, just for that. “Want me to come over?”
“I can’t. My dad’s here.”
It’s quiet until Philip mutters, “Oh.”
“But if he hadn’t been here, I’d have wanted you to,” he says, hoping his voice isn’t as fragile as it sounds, and hangs up immediately after. He doesn’t want to hear what Philip has to say to that, even if it’s good.
Especially if it’s good, maybe.
-
He doesn’t see Philip for a week. There’s no time in between a Motocross race and the homework has to do. Philip visits his mom for a few days and Lukas is worried about it, but less so when Philip says, ‘I can’t wait to see you again,’ and all Lukas wants to say is, ‘Me too.’
He’s just putting away his bike, scraping the mud from between the tread pattern when someone behind him says, “Long time, no see, huh?”
There he is, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, smile on his face. Lukas’ heart skips a beat and it’s so wrong, so weird. He’s never felt like this before, like it was consuming him. Like he wanted it, wanted Philip to consume him.
“Philip, I-” he starts, but quiets down when Philip huffs and looks down at his shoes, muscles in his jaw jumping as he clenches it.
“It’s cool. We were both busy.”
They were, they both were and they both know it, but Lukas can see the blank look in Philip’s eyes, like he’s trying to hide how angry and sad all this makes him and Lukas wants to apologize, he really does, but
“I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry.”
Then Philip does it again, that thing where the corner of his mouth tugs upwards like he can’t help but smile because of Lukas and something in Lukas’ chest bursts and he feels so overwhelmed that he kisses him.
Philip is warm and solid against him and Lukas tries to press closer, like he’ll disappear into Philip if he only tries hard enough. And he tries to remind himself of his dad, of Rose, of every goddamn reason this is a bad idea but he can’t bring himself to when Philip’s hand ends up in his hair, tugging him down.
He thinks that as long as Philip just keeps kissing him, it’ll be worth it in the end.