Work Text:
“Financial Audit” Podcast
Transcript of YouTube Video
XIE LIAN: Hi, I’m Xie Lian, and I’m 35 years old.
MU QING: . . . And you?
HUA CHENG: Pass.
MU QING: It’s not as though I want you here, but since you are, state your name and age for the record or get out.
HUA CHENG: It’s really none of your business.
MU QING: I already know your name and age. This is for the viewers.
HUA CHENG: It’s none of their business either.
MU QING: Seriously, why are you here?
HUA CHENG: Gege invited me.
XIE LIAN: His name is Hua Cheng, and he’s 32 years old!
HUA CHENG: Gege knows me so well.
MU QING: As if everyone in this studio doesn’t know that basic fucking information.
HUA CHENG: Then why are you wasting my time by asking?
MU QING: It’s for the viewers, you—
[CUT]
XIE LIAN: And this is “Financial Audit”!
MU QING: This particular clusterfuck of an episode is part of a series I like to call “Idiotic Things Disgustingly Rich People Do With Their Money.”
HUA CHENG: Doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it?
MU QING: If only we had a guillotine handy. Now, state your relationship for the record.
XIE LIAN: San Lang and I have been married for eight years.
HUA CHENG: To be specific, eight years, three months, four days, and two hours.
MU QING: . . .
XIE LIAN: That sounds right!
MU QING: Who asked?! And who let you two participate in civil society?!
XIE LIAN: Maybe you, since you invited us here?
MU QING: . . .
HUA CHENG: Good one, gege.
MU QING: We’re here to discuss your poor financial decisions, not your personal lives. How much do you each make in a year?
XIE LIAN: How much of what?
HUA CHENG: Stews, perhaps.
XIE LIAN: Oh, lots! I brought one today for you and your crew.
MU QING: Can someone get the bomb squad on the phone? It may be radioactive. Obviously I was talking about money! Why would I be talking about stews?
XIE LIAN: Ah, then none.
MU QING: None? You don’t make anything?
XIE LIAN: I’m more into bartering these days.
MU QING: Bartering?
HUA CHENG: It’s when you exchange goods or services for other goods or services.
MU QING: I know what bartering is!
HUA CHENG: It really didn’t seem like you did.
MU QING: What I don’t know is why that’s your primary form of commerce in the modern world. You know what, forget it. Fine. Bartering. You make no money for the household. And you?
HUA CHENG: He contributes to the household in myriad other ways.
MU QING: Don’t care. How much do you make in a year?
HUA CHENG: More than you.
MU QING: . . .
HUA CHENG: I won’t embarrass you by revealing the particular number.
MU QING: Who’s embarrassed? At least I have a respectable profession. What do you do, run a gang?
HUA CHENG: Envy, while understandable, is pathetic.
MU QING: No one is envious of you. Xie Lian, just tell us how much he makes so we can move on.
XIE LIAN: Oh, I’m not sure.
MU QING: How do you not know? Aren’t your finances combined after eight years of marriage?
HUA CHENG: Of course. What’s mine is his.
XIE LIAN: I don’t really pay attention to all that stuff. I’m pretty busy with the bartering.
MU QING: Of course you are.
XIE LIAN: Maybe, like, a few thousand?
HUA CHENG: Gege is so close.
MU QING: You know I have your bank statements here, right? You’re missing several zeroes.
XIE LIAN: Ah, well, close enough.
MU QING: No, it’s n— Whatever. Let’s just get started. What are your financial goals?
XIE LIAN: None in particular.
HUA CHENG: I want to buy this show and replace the host.
MU QING: Who the fuck do you think you are? This is MY show.
HUA CHENG: I think it could be successful if it just had a different host.
MU QING: It’s already successful!
HUA CHENG: Really? Then why did you need to beg us to come on as guests?
MU QING: Who begged you?! I didn’t even invite you! It was Feng Xin.
HUA CHENG: Who?
XIE LIAN: You know, our friend Feng Xin! He’s one of the producers.
HUA CHENG: Never heard that name before. All I can recall is this odious little person before us dogging you with phone calls demanding our participation to bring some much-needed views to this small, unpopular channel.
MU QING: This “small, unpopular channel” has more than 3 million subscribers.
HUA CHENG: Yikes. I didn’t even know it was that few.
MU QING: Do you want to fight?
HUA CHENG: Wow. Things are so bad that you have to put on some sort of combat spectacle to raise viewership? Since I’m a kind person, I’ll buy your show.
MU QING: If you offer that one more time, I’m going to—
[CUT]
XIE LIAN: Our financial goals are to continue having a house. And to provide for the children!
MU QING: Children? What children?
HUA CHENG: That’s an invasive question.
MU QING: Are you fucking serious? You two managed to get approved to adopt human children?
XIE LIAN: Approved?
MU QING: There’s a rigorous application process for adoption.
XIE LIAN: Oh, interesting.
MU QING: Where exactly did you acquire these children if you didn’t adopt them?
XIE LIAN: It wasn’t really our intention! We just kind of . . . stumbled upon them.
MU QING: That’s kidnapping.
HUA CHENG: It’s not kidnapping if we didn’t want them in the first place. It’s called philanthropy.
MU QING: Human children are not like cats! You can’t just pick them up off the street!
XIE LIAN: There’s a perfectly good explanation for how they all ended up with us.
MU QING: Such as?
XIE LIAN: We took in my cousin’s child while he’s in prison!
MU QING: Cousin? Qi Rong procreated? Is this child the Anti-Christ?
XIE LIAN: To be honest, I’m not too sure where he got Guzi.
MU QING: So he kidnapped a child and you’re helping him?!
XIE LIAN: I wouldn’t say “helping.” We reported him to the authorities!
HUA CHENG: It’s what any good, law-abiding citizen would do.
MU QING: I don’t believe for a second that you’re good or law-abiding. You should be struck by lightning right now for even saying that. Who are these other children?
XIE LIAN: Well, there’s Banyue—
MU QING: Who the fuck is Banyue?
XIE LIAN: She’s a very nice young girl! She’s just a bit of a troubled teen, so we’re helping her out.
MU QING: She’s 18?
XIE LIAN: Well, no.
MU QING: She lives with you?
XIE LIAN: Not exactly? She kind of comes and goes. As do we, since we travel a lot.
MU QING: Are you sure we’re not talking about a cat?
XIE LIAN: I’m pretty sure she's human. She’s not totally alone, though—her boyfriend is often with her.
MU QING: You’re leaving an underage girl with her boyfriend while you gallivant around doing god knows what?
XIE LIAN: Underage? Under what age?
MU QING: You said she wasn’t eighteen!
XIE LIAN: Right. She’s 21.
MU QING: Then why did you call her a troubled teen?!
XIE LIAN: She was 19 when I first ran into her, so I still think of her that way.
MU QING: . . .
XIE LIAN: She had my wallet.
MU QING: She stole your wallet?!
XIE LIAN: No, her boyfriend did, so she was giving it back.
MU QING: Oh, good. That makes it so much better. And you let this boyfriend stay at your house?!
XIE LIAN: Well, sure. We don’t own anything that important.
MU QING: Your bank statements beg to differ, but whatever.
XIE LIAN: Also, we need them to babysit Guzi while we’re away.
MU QING: Fine, whatever. Is that the last of the alleged kids?
XIE LIAN: There’s also Lang Ying . . .
HUA CHENG: No need to mention that mangy rat.
MU QING: Your parenting skills are breathtaking to behold.
HUA CHENG: Thank you.
MU QING: That was not a compliment. Who is Lang Ying? Another troubled teen?
XIE LIAN: More like . . . a troubled adult.
MU QING: I don’t even want to know any more. Let’s move on. Do you have any outstanding debt?
XIE LIAN: I owe someone a knitted tea cozy. Does that count?
MU QING: No one wants to hear about your bartering.
HUA CHENG: I do.
MU QING: No one normal does. I’m talking about actual debt.
HUA CHENG: What would we have debt for? We’re rich.
MU QING: It’s always rich morons like you who take on absurd debt.
HUA CHENG: What are you acting so envious for? I already offered you a generous donation.
MU QING: Stop offering to buy my show, you—
[CUT]
XIE LIAN: I don’t think we have any specific debts right now.
MU QING: What investments do you have?
XIE LIAN: I have—
MU QING: If the next thing out of your mouth is about bartering, I’m going to leave.
XIE LIAN: I do not have any investments to mention.
MU QING: And you? Stocks? Venture capital? Hedge funds? Any pyramid schemes you want to share with the class?
HUA CHENG: Investing is a scam.
MU QING: You definitely have no idea what you’re talking about.
HUA CHENG: Banks are also a scam.
MU QING: I’m literally looking at your bank statements right now.
HUA CHENG: That’s nothing. We keep the bulk of our fortune buried underground in a safe place.
MU QING: . . . What exactly did you bury?
HUA CHENG: Gold bars.
MU QING: I’m really, seriously going to kill you both.
HUA CHENG: Actually, we do have a few investments. Gege chooses what we invest in.
XIE LIAN: Oh, right.
MU QING: . . . The bartering guy? He’s deciding what you invest in?
HUA CHENG: Of course.
MU QING: And how are all those investments doing?
HUA CHENG: Great.
XIE LIAN: Some of them . . . could be better.
MU QING: What do you mean?
XIE LIAN: I just picked randomly because San Lang asked me to, but my luck isn’t very good. Most of them went bankrupt.
HUA CHENG: But then I bought them.
MU QING: Why is that your solution to everything?! What could possibly be a good idea about buying failing companies?
HUA CHENG: Gege holds stock in them, so I fixed them.
MU QING: . . . And what kind of companies do you hold stock in?
XIE LIAN: Oh, I don’t know. Let me think. There’s an interesting one that makes fax machines!
MU QING: ONLY fax machines? Literal, physical machines?
XIE LIAN: That’s right.
MU QING: Why are you investing in something that’s already practically obsolete?!
XIE LIAN: I’ve just had stock in this one since the early 1900s.
MU QING: . . .
XIE LIAN: I inherited it! It seemed a waste to sell it.
MU QING: You know why you should sell it? Because no one uses fax machines anymore!
XIE LIAN: I do!
HUA CHENG: He sends me faxes all the time. Don’t be envious that he doesn’t like you enough to fax you.
MU QING: Who wants to receive faxes? I don’t have a fax machine because I’m normal and actually live in this century! Jesus fucking Christ, what have you invested in recently?
XIE LIAN: Oh, there's a company that sells encyclopedias.
MU QING: Encyclopedias? What, do they go door to door selling them?
XIE LIAN: Yes, exactly!
MU QING: I’m speechless.
HUA CHENG: Then why are you still talking?
MU QING: What justification could you possibly have for investing in this?
XIE LIAN: They’re useful! Everyone needs encyclopedias.
MU QING: No one needs encyclopedias! Everyone except you uses the internet! And, furthermore, no one in the world likes random people to come to their door selling things.
XIE LIAN: I don’t know—I find it rather charming!
MU QING: Oh, and you’re a good barometer for what normal people like?
XIE LIAN: . . .
HUA CHENG: Maybe if you had an encyclopedia set, you wouldn’t be so offensively ignorant.
MU QING: Who are you calling ignorant?!
HUA CHENG: You.
MU QING: You—
[CUT]
MU QING: We can’t talk about investments anymore or I’m going to end up in jail. Let’s just go through some of your spending to further highlight the egregious financial mismanagement and frivolity of the wealthy, then we can all go home.
XIE LIAN: Okay!
MU QING: Immediately why. Immediately what is this. What did you buy with this transfer of millions of dollars?
HUA CHENG: Marble.
MU QING: For your house?
HUA CHENG: In a manner of speaking. I’m a sculptor.
MU QING: How do you even have time for that? Aren’t you too busy running the mafia and buying bankrupt companies?
HUA CHENG: It’s a passion project.
MU QING: Did you know about this?
XIE LIAN: Oh! Kind of.
MU QING: Your husband spends millions and you only “kind of” know about it?
XIE LIAN: I want him to do whatever makes him happy. He doesn’t have to run it by me.
MU QING: Have you considered running divorce by him?
HUA CHENG: Have you considered going to reincarnate early?
MU QING: You—
[CUT]
MU QING: What else are you lunatics spending money on? What is the Dinosauria Research Fund? Let me guess, you’ve owned stock in dinosaurs since the Triassic Period.
XIE LIAN: No, no, haha. Nothing like that. It’s a research lab trying to bring back the dinosaurs from extinction.
MU QING: Bring back—? Are you crazy? You haven’t learned anything from Jurassic Park?
XIE LIAN: What’s that?
HUA CHENG: Nothing important.
MU QING: Seriously?
XIE LIAN: I don’t think we donated that much, though. I told San Lang just to give them a little something to help them along, since they seemed really passionate about their work.
MU QING: You consider this “a little something”?
HUA CHENG: You don’t?
MU QING: I hate talking to smug rich bastards.
HUA CHENG: You’re no delight to talk to yourself.
MU QING: Moving on. What possibly is “CRAPP”? Is this another donation?
XIE LIAN: Yes, to the Coleoptera Research and Protection Project!
MU QING: What?
XIE LIAN: It’s a charity for dung beetles.
MU QING: Dung beetles.
HUA CHENG: Mhm.
MU QING: Why don’t you just start setting your money on fire?
HUA CHENG: Are you stupid? Gold isn’t flammable. Anyway, I could destroy all but a tiny fraction of our fortune and still be richer than you.
MU QING: At least I’m not the one throwing my money at dung beetles!
XIE LIAN: They’re actually quite ecologically important. It’s a good cause!
MU QING: Maybe I would believe you if you weren’t also trying to revive the dinosaurs.
HUA CHENG: Dung beetles contribute more to the world than you do, by the way.
MU QING: And what are you contributing to the world, exactly?
HUA CHENG: Gege, what do you think?
XIE LIAN: San Lang is very helpful. Look at how he helped save the dung beetles!
MU QING: I’m looking at it.
HUA CHENG: Are you envious of the dung beetles now? Fine. I’ll write you a check.
MU QING: Stop that! God, what is all this?
HUA CHENG: Building supplies.
MU QING: What are you building?
HUA CHENG: That’s privileged information.
MU QING: . . .
XIE LIAN: I can unprivilege it, if it’s alright with San Lang.
HUA CHENG: Of course, gege.
XIE LIAN: I told San Lang our house is perfectly fine, but he wants to build another one.
MU QING: I’ve seen what you call a house. Isn’t it just a shack?
HUA CHENG: Tch. What do you know? It’s rustic.
MU QING: You’re the one building a whole new house!
HUA CHENG: It’ll be a secondary house.
MU QING: And what is this secondary house going to be? Another shack that will probably blow away in a gust of wind?
HUA CHENG: A castle.
MU QING: . . . What do you mean “a castle”?
HUA CHENG: Oh, sorry, I forgot that you’re lower-class. It’s a fortified residence for royalty and important people.
MU QING: I know what a castle is. What I don’t know is why you’re building one! What do you need a fortified residence for? Fortified with what?!
HUA CHENG: Cannons.
XIE LIAN: There’s also a moat! It’s pretty cool, but I vetoed the crocodiles. I’m worried one of them would eat Guzi.
MU QING: You’re not worried he’ll fall into the moat?
XIE LIAN: Should we be? Children can swim, right?
MU QING: I’m going to call CPS.
XIE LIAN: Okay, if you think that’s best! Can you ask them if children generally know how to swim?
MU QING: No.
HUA CHENG: What would he need to swim for? There'll be a drawbridge.
XIE LIAN: That’s true!
MU QING: So you spent over a million dollars on landscaping for this castle?
HUA CHENG: No, that’s for our house.
MU QING: How did you spend that much on landscaping for that tiny shed you live in?!
XIE LIAN: Is that the peonies?
MU QING: The peonies?
HUA CHENG: Yes, of course, gege.
MU QING: How many fucking peonies did you buy?!
HUA CHENG: Three thousand plants, give or take.
MU QING: Three thou—?! For what reason?!
XIE LIAN: Our neighbors always have a little gardening competition in the spring, but for some reason I’m never able to get flowers to grow, so I never really participate.
MU QING: And?
HUA CHENG: And I helped gege win, naturally. As he should.
XIE LIAN: It was a little hard for everyone else to compete after that, haha.
MU QING: That’s incredibly disturbing, but okay. Wait, were these peonies solid fucking gold?! Why did each plant cost nearly $400?!
HUA CHENG: Was I going to buy my beloved some cheap, common variety?
XIE LIAN: I didn’t even know there were such distinct varieties of peonies. San Lang is really knowledgeable about botany.
MU QING: You’re endorsing this?
XIE LIAN: If it’s what he wants to buy, what can I do?
MU QING: Not enable it!
XIE LIAN: I wouldn’t really call it “enabling.” I’m just supporting my husband’s goals and ambitions!
MU QING: Well, you shouldn’t.
HUA CHENG: Don’t worry. I can buy a little gift for gege and still have enough money to buy your show.
MU QING: You are NOT—
[CUT]
MU QING: Every new thing I hear about you people is worse than the last. I don’t want to know any more about your finances. It’s too disgusting.
XIE LIAN: Well, it’s been fun!
MU QING: No, it has not! I hope this video radicalizes everyone watching. The top 1% are not doing anything worthwhile with their money. They’re trying to bring back the dinosaurs.
XIE LIAN: Everyone loves a good comeback!
MU QING: You know what everyone loves? Not getting eaten by a dinosaur that’s supposed to be extinct.
XIE LIAN: That’s fair.
HUA CHENG: That’s not going to be an issue for us. We have cannons.
MU QING: We have to end this video immediately before I kill someone. Goodbye.
XIE LIAN: Thanks for watching!
[Comments]
bodytobody: Wow. I’m speechless. How do I nominate this episode for an award? All the awards, even.
hooligan: what on god’s green earth did i just watch
aliens: I swear to god I can always tell when someone is lying and these dudes were being 100% serious
fya: Trolls of all time. Let’s invite them back tomorrow
2.0: ok but we’re on tenterhooks did Hua Cheng buy the show
↳ MuQing: OF COURSE FUCKING NOT
no.29: ive watched this entire episode and i cant move past the bartering. what is he bartering. where is he bartering. how is he bartering. why is he bartering. please i need to know more
swim: at no point during the episode could I predict where we were going next.
merrygoround: how do i become one of their inadvertently acquired children? seems like me being an adult is not a barrier so i want in immediately
normal: God doesn’t give with both hands so of course these two beautiful, beautiful people are not blessed with sense or sanity. But they’re so beautiful!
likeanimals: i can’t blame hua cheng fr bc if i were married to xie lian i would also be saying “whatever you want, honey”
theydontknowboutus: what what what what what what what what what
onemorenight: My poor little meowmeow mu qing!!!
↳ MuQing: No
please: these people are nawt real. can we really be sure they’re not like 800yo vampires who are just wandering around the modern world doing the weirdest shit bc they’ve been accumulating wealth for centuries?
intothesun: WHERE is the picture of their little shack surrounded by 3,000 peony plants???? I need to see it
everyonesastar: I’ve been on acid trips that made more sense than whatever I just watched but for some reason I’m on their side
↳ MuQing: Have you considered a lobotomy?
notok: these people have never seen a bad decision they didn’t want to make and I respect that! but I hope to stay 3,000 feet away from them at all times. I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life
telephonebusy: Do I hate them...Do I love them...Do I just want them to adopt me so I can live in their castle...
boyband: when i said eat the rich i didn’t mean them! they can keep doing all that weird shit they do i’m so charmed by them
no.1obsession: All the wife guys of youtube have been real quiet since this video dropped (they know they can’t compete with this freak of nature and his hoard of wealth)
imscaredillneversleepagain: gagged by xie lian and his weird little cottage core life!! just living in a shack, bartering, getting doted upon by a hot evil ceo sugar daddy...fuck he’s living my DREAM
ghost: Next time there’s a poll about which past guests to bring on for a return episode, we need to band together and bring these people back
↳ MuQing: We’re never having a poll like that ever again
sickofmyself: i would cross a mountain of knives and a sea of fire to get my hands on the full, uncut footage from this episode
↳ MuQing: Well too bad because I destroyed it all
evolve: did this man really bury gold bars and can someone dox him so i can check
therocks: girl what the hell is a fax machine
jawbreaker: You really never know how other people are living their lives, huh
startover: I watch this show so I can happily tear down the guests in the comments but I’ve been duped this time?! Xie Lian seems so sweet and his husband loves him SO much it’s adorable!
wishfuldreaming: not enough people are talking about the encyclopedias
chest: these two belong in separate padded cells
illfindyou: How does Mu Qing not have stress-induced ulcers yet?
↳ MuQing: HOW DO YOU KNOW I DONT
cooldad: Great episode! Did not understand one thing they were talking about but that’s okay. I feel very inspired to do some research on dung beetles.
stay: these two are polar opposites yet so eerily in sync i fear them...
↳ hooligan: really makes you wonder what would’ve happened if they never found each other