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Skipping practice so early in the season was a bad look, Ilya knew that. Especially as captain. However, he felt like he had some good reasons as to why. Dimitri had recently gotten a nasty case of the flu and was still recovering. He had been better these past few days but still his nose was runny and he had a lingering crunchy cough that made Ilya's heart break whenever he heard it. His other reason was, in his own opinion, less good, and was that he wasn't quite feeling like himself. He tried to deny it when Shane had asked two days ago, but now he was realizing that this was potentially the start of a depressive spiral.
Ilya watched from bed as Shane got ready to leave. Ava had come into their room last night saying she had had a nightmare and was curled up comfortably against Ilya's side. Usually when one of the twins had a nightmare they let them sleep with them for an hour or two but would bring them back to their own bed eventually, but this time they let her sleep with them without thinking about it. Hana was brought to the room earlier by Shane after he had fed her in the nursery, her chubby cheek now rested against his chest as she was asleep. Drool dripped from the corner of her mouth onto Ilya's tanktop but he didn't care.
“You sure you're okay?” Shane asked for the fifth time.
Ilya gave him the best half smile he could muster. He was tired. More tired than he wanted to admit. He had been sleeping awful recently, his dreams either having to deal with his mother or something happening to their kids. He would wake up never feeling rested, but instead having a new sense of tension in his body that wasn't there when he had gone to sleep.
“I'm fine I promise. Just tell everyone sorry I'm missing practice.” For as much as he loved to joke and complain about going to practices, he did actually take them seriously. He felt guilty for not going, but was doing his best not to let that show too much to his already worried husband.
Shane lingered for a second at the bathroom door. His eyes stayed on Ilya before going to his daughters resting. Immediately they softened at the sight. He went over to Ilya, bending down to kiss him on the lips. Ilya kissed him back, not putting much effort into it like he normally would.
“Please just call me if anything happens.” Shane urged.
Ilya nodded and he watched Shane kiss the girls goodbye, neither stirring at their dads kiss. Ilya watched as Shane went to the bedroom door.
“Love you.” Shane said.
“Love you too,” Ilya said back. He couldn't hide how tired he sounded that time. He hoped Shane assumed it was because of Ava interrupting them last night and not for the actual reason.
Shane left the door open and Ilya could hear him go into the twins room to check on Dimitri. The muffled sound of his little boy's crunchy cough came from down the hall. Ilya could hear Shane talking but couldn't make out what was being said. After a few minutes Ilya heard Shane leave the room and go downstairs. He heard Anya bark once as Shane closed the front door. He had left.
Ilya mindlessly rubbed Hana's back as he watched her tiny torso rise and fall as she slept. She was getting so big now, chubby rolls starting to form on her arms and legs. Shane had told him that she was looking more and more like him the bigger she got. Ilya didn't see it but he loved how happy that made Shane so he never said anything.
—
Thirty minutes passed before Ava started to wake up. She lifted her upper body up, rubbing the sleep away from her eyes while she did. Ilya watched, a smiling tugging at his lips. Untamed curls going in every direction matched with drool stains on her pajama shirt. She certainly looked like she slept well.
Ava looked around, still drowsy. Once her eyes found Ilya looking at her, a very sleepy smile formed on her lips. “Papa.” She mumbled.
“Good morning, printsessa.” Ilya said as he motioned her to come lay down next to him. She did without any hesitation, nuzzling comfortably into his side.
“Hi Hana.” Ava said sleepily. Hana didn't move, blissfully asleep on her papa's chest.
“Did you sleep good?” Ilya asked.
Ava nodded, curling more into Ilya. She was so warm, like a tiny furnace next to him. “Where's daddy?” She yawned.
“He had to go to practice.” Ilya said. By now he should've already been at the rink. Ilya could imagine him putting on his gear, trying but inevitably failing, to hide the concerned look on his face from the rest of the team. He could imagine Shane saying that Ilya had to stay home because of Dimitri, which wasn't a lie. But it wasn't entirely the truth either.
Ilya was lost in his thoughts, playing with the crucifix around his neck. It was a habit he had developed over the years whenever he was thinking too much. The ring on the necklace chimed softly against the cross next to it as he fidgeted with it in his fingers.
“Papa, what's that?” Ava asked, looking up at him.
Ilya stopped, looking at her with a confused furrowed brow. “What's what?”
“That.” Ava pointed to his necklace. The same necklace she had seen since birth. She had never seen him without it on. It slowly dawned on Ilya that while she always saw it, she had no idea what he was actually wearing. She probably was wondering why his necklace looked so different from Shanes. Or why they even had necklaces to begin with.
He thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to answer. “This was my mother's.” He said carefully.
Her eyes got a little bigger at the mention of his mom. She had asked about her only twice, both times while Shane was pregnant with Hana. The first time had been while Ilya was getting the twins ready for bed. Ilya had been reading them a story about a baby cat and his mom, when Ava asked if he had a mom. Ilya hadn't known what to say, instead he distracted her by tickling her so she would forget about it. The second time had been while they were having dinner with Yuna and David. The whole table had gone silent when she asked again, as if it was something terrible she had just done by asking. All eyes went to Ilya as he just gave a simple yes. Ava seemed to accept that short and simple answer, because she moved onto another topic just as quick. The rest of the dinner a slight tension lingered at the table though, which Ilya felt bad about. He wished he could talk about his mom and not feel like everyone had to walk on eggshells. He wished he could just acknowledge her existence without everyone worrying for him. But he knew it was never going to be that simple, the topic would always be complicated.
“Your mama.” Ava repeated in awe. She looked at the cross around his neck with more wonder in her eyes.
Ilya nodded. “Yes, my mama.” His hand wandered from playing with the crucifix on his neck to returning to rub Hana's back. He didn't say anything, waiting to see if Ava had anything else to say.
“How come your mama doesn't live close like grandma?” Ava asked. Her eyes still focused on the cross.
“Because she lives very far away.” Ilya responded. He watched as Ava processed his words, her three year old mind trying to gauge what that meant.
“How far?”
“Very very far.” Ilya said, exaggerating the second very. He saw the corners of Ava's mouth twitch up at the attempt to keep the topic light.
“How come she doesn't visit?” Ava asked.
Ilya couldn't let himself dwell too much on the actual reason. His mouth moved before his mind could fully think of a response. “Where she lives is only one way trip. She can't come visit.” Once he said it he knew it didn't entirely make sense but he prayed that his three year old wouldn't think too hard about it.
“Oohhh,” Ava said as she nodded her head. She didn't say anything for a long time after that. Ilya watched as she played with her baby sister's hand, gently moving it back and forth without disturbing her. Finally she asked. “Do you miss her?”
He had been asked this before. By Shane. By his therapist. By Svetlana. Each time it had felt different to be asked the same question. But right now his little girl was asking if he missed his mom and that was an entirely new feeling unlocking inside him he didn't think he'd ever feel. How could he even begin to describe to his toddler how badly he missed his mom. Especially after he became a dad. How desperately he wanted to have his mom meet the family he had made with the man who he loved and adored so dearly. How he wanted his mom to meet the grandkids that he knew she would've loved so much. He swallowed hard, feeling himself getting overwhelmed.
“Yes. Yes I miss her very much.” His voice wavered and he took a deep breath.
“Papa's sad?” Ava asked, her brow upturned with worry.
Ilya couldn't hide how he felt right now. Normally he would change the subject by either giving a short one word response or he would distract so the topic would change. But right now he didn't have the mental energy to do that. He knew that the topic of his mom would come back up eventually, and maybe this was something they needed to talk about. Even in a very simple small way like this. “A little. I haven't seen her in a very long time. She went away when I was little.”
“How little?”
“Twelve.”
Ava's face scrunched in confusion. “Papa, that's big.”
Ilya let out a genuine chuckle, feeling himself lighten just a little. “To you, yes is very big. But to me that is little.”
Hana stirred at the movement of her papas laughing. Her tiny hand coiled around the fabric of his tanktop as she continued to sleep. Ilya kept rubbing her back, knowing she would probably be getting up sometime soon.
Ilya thought about his mom and how his two little girls reminded him so much of her. Hana especially had a lot of features and facial expressions that made Ilya pause sometimes. It was hard to explain to anyone what it was like when your own kid did something or looked a certain way that reminded you of the parent you had lost. Ilya didn't think about that before becoming a dad, but now three years in, it had happened so often but it still always took him aback when it occurred.
Ava didn't continue asking questions. Instead she curled closer to him, playing with Hana's chubby arm as she slept. Ilya wasn't sure if he was happy or sad that the conversation didn't continue. He wanted to tell his kids about their grandmother, but at the same time he wouldn't even know where to begin to do so. Hana started to wake up against his chest and he decided he would think about this later as his little girl began to fuss.
—
When Shane got home he could tell something was off. He could see that Ilya was mentally a million miles away. His thoughts were completely preoccupied by something else entirely. Shane watched Ilya function on auto pilot as he made lunch for himself and the kids. Ilya hadn't even noticed him despite the fact he'd been standing there for five minutes. Something had to have happened, was Shane's immediate thought.
Ilya finally noticed Shane, doing a double take when he saw him. A smile formed on his lips that somewhat reassured Shane, but not entirely. Ilya came over and wrapped his arms around his husband, squeezing him tight while they embraced.
“Hi. Are you okay?” Shane asked lightly.
Ilya sighed, burying his face into the crook of Shane's neck. “Yes. No. It's all over the place.” He let that hang in the air for a minute before continuing. “I made an appointment with Galina for this week.”
Shane's shoulders slumped slightly with relief. He knew Ilya could feel that but he didn't make an attempt to try and hide how worried he had been for his husband. “Okay. That's good.” He paused before asking his next question. “Did something happen that made you schedule that?”
Ilya nodded, not saying anything. Shane rubbed his back to comfort him, not really sure as to what else he could do. He let himself be embraced, allowing Ilya the time he needed. After a few minutes Ilya let out another deep sigh. “Ava asked about my mother again today.” Ilya pulled away from their embrace to look at Shane. Shane saw how absolutely exhausted Ilya looked at that moment. The dark circles formed under his somewhat puffy eyes. He brushed his curls out of his face to no avail as they went back to their original spot. Ilya needed rest.
“Why don't you go upstairs and lay down. I'll finish,” Shane glanced over and saw Ilya had been making soup. “the soup for lunch. I can bring it up to you if you want?” Shane offered.
Ilya looked at Shane and nodded. “Okay.” He chewed on his bottom lip before adding. “I'm sorry to make you do that since you just got home.”
Shane kissed him, giving him a warm smile when they pulled apart. “You know it's fine. I never mind when it comes to you or the kids.”
Ilya gave him a small half smile. “I know. But I still feel bad.” He leaned in for another kiss, which Shane accepted. They were interrupted by Ava's loud footsteps running in from the living room into the kitchen.
“Daddy!” Ava said as she clung onto Shane's leg.
Shane picked her up, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “Hi princess, did you have a fun time with papa?” He asked as he fixed her hair.
She nodded excitedly. “Papa told me his mama lives really really far away.” She announced in a matter of fact tone.
Shane's mouth opened, and then closed. His eyes went to his husband to see how he was handling it. He was met with Ilya giving Ava a kind half smile, genuine and gentle. Ilya cupped her cheek into his hand, brushing over her light freckles. “Yes I did tell you that didn't I.”
“Daddy, did you meet her before she away?” Ava asked Shane. His eyebrows raised slightly at the question. He became aware that Ilya was probably getting asked this while he had been at practice and guilt washed over him. He looked to Ilya again and his face stayed the same. The half smile still on his face. He didn't seem annoyed or hurt at the question, so Shane decided to go forward the same way.
“No baby I never got to meet her.” Shane said gently. “I wish I did though. Papa has told me a lot of good things about her.”
That answer satisfied Ava and she wriggled in Shane's arms to be put down. He did and she ran back into the living room to go be with Hana. When they heard her playing with her toys Shane gave Ilya a questioning look.
“Has she been asking about that the whole time I was gone?” He asked softly.
Ilya shook his head. “No, not whole time. Just while we were all laying down together.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “I didn't know what to say so I told her my mother lived very far away. Only one way to get there and that's why she can't visit.” He sighed. “I don't know why I said that.”
Shane rubbed his shoulders to reassure him. “It's okay. I wouldn't really know what to say either honestly.” Shane looked towards the stove where the soup had been simmering. “Go upstairs and relax. I'll bring you and Dima some soup when it's done.”
“I'm not hungry.” Ilya said flatly.
Shane looked at him, his brows now knit with worry. “Ilya.” He didn't mean for it to sound as pleading as it did, but he couldn't even try to hide his worry for Ilya.
Ilya saw the worry on Shane's face. He felt bad that he was making his husband worry so much. “I'll eat later okay? Focus on the kids.” Before Shane could protest, Ilya leaned in for a quick kiss and then headed back upstairs, leaving Shane alone in the kitchen with his worries.
Before he went to their bedroom, Ilya checked on Dimitri. He had given him medicine an hour ago for his throat and nose. His poor little boy was so unlike himself when he was sick Ilya hated to see him like this. Ilya went over to the toddlers bed where Dimitri was now fast asleep. Ilya pressed a hand against his son's forehead and let out a sigh of relief when he felt Dimitri was now back to a normal temperature. He brushed his son's damp dark curls aside from his forehead, feeling a bit lighter knowing that at least Dimitri was starting to feel better. He kissed Dimitri's forehead and tucked him in more to his blanket. Ilya got up, leaving his toddlers room and went to his own room.
Ilya practically melted into his bed, feeling like he hadn't lied down in a century. He hadn't even done anything particularly exhausting today to get such a deep sense of tiredness that radiated from his body. He had made the twins a very simple breakfast that didn't require much effort on his end. Hana had eaten without any issues, as always. She had a great appetite and wasn't picky in the slightest way. He had sat down with the girls in the living room, playing with Ava and doing tummy time with Hana. Every twenty or thirty minutes he would check on Dimitri, making sure he was alright. By the time Shane came home he had started lunch, which only slightly felt like a daunting task. On a normal day all of that would've made him a little tired, sure. But right now, at this moment, he felt like he could sleep for a hundred years. That thought scared him more than he ever wanted to admit.
He wanted to fall asleep, to take a nap. Instead he denied his body the rest it had so desperately craved. He wanted to talk to Shane, wanted to have some alone time with his husband. Not that that would fix the current slump he was experiencing but it helped just a little to be alone in his company. He wasn't sure how long he had laid in bed, playing a game on his phone to pass the time until Shane eventually came upstairs.
Shane crept into the room, not realizing Ilya had still been awake. When he came over to the other side of the bed Shane's face turned into one of disapproval.
“Ilya thought you were asleep.” Shane chided.
Ilya locked his phone, looking up at Shane. “I wanted to spend time with you.” He patted the space next to him on the bed.
Shane couldn't really be mad at that. Looking at his husband who just wanted some alone time with him, curled up in bed like this tugged at Shane's heart more than he thought it would. He crawled into bed, curling next to Ilya's side. They were face to face, the tips of their noses brushing against each other's. Ilya kissed Shane, feeling slightly better from it, despite the fact they had already kissed when they had been downstairs. He could never get enough of Shane's lips, regardless of how he felt.
Shane looked into his eyes. “Hi.”
Ilya gave him a tired grin. “Hi. I didn't ask how was practice?”
Shane gave a half hearted shrug. “It was fine. People asked where you were and I told them you were with our sick son at home.” Shane cupped Ilya's cheek with his hand. “I missed you though. Being on the ice without you isn't the same.”
Ilya chuckled at that. “Is more boring without me I'm sure.”
“It was.” Shane confessed.
Ilya looked at Shane for a minute before a sudden realization came over his face. “Where are the girls?” He asked starting to get up.
Shane caught him, pulling him back down into the bed beside him. “Avas taking a nap on the couch. She really liked your soup by the way. So did I.” That made Ilya's heart flip. “Hana is in her crib, sleeping. Dimitri is still asleep, but his temperature went down and I haven't heard him cough the whole time I've been home, so I think he's doing better.” Shane brushed Ilya's cheek with his thumb. “Maybe I wanted some alone time with you more than I thought.”
Normally, when they were alone like this they would make the most of it. Either curling up together like this, having quick sex, or catching up on house chores. Anything they did together made them both happy really.
They laid in silence as Shane waited for Ilya to explain what happened today. He never rushed these things, knowing this was a very sensitive subject for Ilya. While he waited he played with Ilya's curls, twirling them in between his fingers. How Ilya felt about his freckles is how Shane felt about Ilya's beautiful curly hair.
“Ava asked me about my necklace.” Ilya started. “She asked me what it was and I told her it had been my mother's.” He explained what happened and Shane listened, not interrupting. Ilya's tone remained the same, but Shane saw the hurt in his eyes as he spoke about his mom. They didn't speak about her often, but whenever they did, he always had that same look of hurt in his eyes. The fact that Shane couldn't do anything to take away that hurt, made him feel so helpless.
Ilya finished saying what happened and he let out a deep sigh. “I do miss her a lot though. I want to talk about her more, for our kids to know about her. But I feel like is such a hard topic, and I can't hide how sad it makes me. I want to talk about her and have it be easy. For our kids to know she isn't some forbidden topic.” He looked to Shane who was listening intently. “That goes for you too.”
“I know.” Shane said. Shane bit his lip before saying. “Do you think the only way to make it an easier topic, is to just talk about her anyways?”
“Probably.” Ilya sighed. “But one day they will get older, and the story of her living too far away won't make sense.” He turned to lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling. “Then what do I say?”
Shane looked at him, seeing him swallow hard at the thought. He bit his lip again, thinking hard. “I guess it depends how old they are when they ask that. We could tell them the truth, if you think they're ready for it at that point.”
Ilya shook his head. “I never want to tell them about that. For them to know that's how she-” he cut himself off, not being able to finish his sentence. His throat felt tight even trying to say the words. He wanted his kids to know how wonderful his mother had been. How kind, thoughtful and funny she was in the twelve years he had her. He worried that acknowledging that she had taken her own life would make his kids think less of her in some way. Even though that felt ridiculous to think, that's what his mind kept coming back to.
“I know.” Shane comforted him. Ilya felt tears falling but he didn't bother to try and hide them. “You know I'll be there with you whenever you decide to tell them that.”
“I know you will be.” Ilya sniffled. “I never doubt that.”
They laid together for a long time. Ilya's brain playing back everything they had just talked about. His mind kept trying to think of ways to bring this up without it feeling impossible for him. Eventually he thought of something.
“You know that photo album your mom gave us? The one in your office?” Ilya asked.
Shane squinted before his eyes widened, as he remembered. “Yeah, one of your childhood photos?”
“Maybe I can show them some of those for right now.” Ilya started to say. He wanted to show the kids the few snippets of his childhood he had with him. The few cherished photos of his mom and him that he could show to make her seem more like a real person and less of an idea to them. “I think I can handle that.”
Shane nodded, sitting up a little. “That's a really good idea. I think seeing a picture of her would be good.” Shane thought about it, feeling that it was a great first step into the twins getting to know who their grandmother was. “Do you want me to go get it right now?”
Ilya shook his head. “No, you can get them later. Right now I just want you here.”
Shane stayed lying next to his husband. Watching him fight his sleep before inevitably drifting off. His breaths were shallow, before evening out. Even though Shane was tired, and right now was the ideal time to take a nap with all three kids resting, he couldn't sleep. He saw how exhausted Ilya looked at this moment and felt entirely helpless. Even though Ilya did his best to pretend he slept well, Shane could tell that he never actually got a good night's sleep. Often tossing and turning, or mumbling things in Russian that Shane could never quite make out. Ilya barely ever shared any dreams he had with Shane, and he was almost certain it was because they all had to do with his mother in some way.
So instead of sleeping like he wanted to, Shane silently hoped that right now Ilya was having a good dream instead of whatever was causing him to lose sleep.
—
Ilya waited a few days before going through with his idea. He had done that for a few reasons. First, he wanted to talk about it in therapy. He had and they had come to the conclusion that showing photos and talking about his mother was a good first step to make the topic less difficult and more of a way to remember her positively. Ilya liked that, a good way to remember her and the happier times they had shared. The second reason was that he had wanted to show the twins together. Dimitri was doing a lot better, no longer having his fever or his crunchy cough. His nose was still a little stuffy but not nearly as bad at what it had been before. The third, and final reason, was that he wanted to mentally prepare himself. Sharing bits of his past that he cherished with anyone had always been difficult, this was no different. Even though he wanted it to be a time to talk about his mother and how wonderful she had been, it would still weigh on him heavily.
Right now Ilya was sitting in his bed with Ava and Dimitri looking up at him with wide eyes. He had told them he had something very special to show them after dinner which made Ava very excited and Dimitri confused. While they cooked, Shane had asked him if he wanted him to be there with him, and Ilya agreed, wanting his husband by his side for this. Shane had just put Hana down for the night and was now by his side, looking at him.
Ava sat on the bed, bouncing slightly with energy. She had been guessing what the surprise could have been during the whole meal, trying to figure out what her papa was going to show her.
“Am I getting another lil’ sister?” Ava asked with raised brows.
Ilya laughed, a genuine laugh that he hadn't done in a while. He shook his head, his cheeks slightly blushed from that comment. “No. No, that's not what this is.” Ilya glanced over and saw Shane's cheeks were slightly blushed from the comment.
Ava got a little sad at that. “So no new lil’ sister.” She repeated back.
Ilya smiled softly at her, fixing her hair. “No new little sister, printsessa. You already have Hana and that is enough.”
She pouted and Ilya couldn't believe how much she did look like him at times. “Do you remember how a few days ago you asked me about my mama?”
Ava gave him a very enthusiastic nod.
Dimitri cuddled closer to Ilya's side. He had been quiet this whole time, listening closely. “Ava said she lives really really far away.” He said in a quiet tone.
“Da. Very far and she can't visit.” Ilya reached over to the nightstand drawer where he had put the photos temporarily for safe keeping. He pulled them out, holding them in his hands. Both twins looked at him then at the photos, curiosity all over their faces. “I have some photos of her from when I was small that I can show you. I know is not the same as a visit but I want you to see her.”
He placed the photos in front of her and she looked at all of them for a minute. Ava looked up at him as if asking for permission to touch them. Dimitri hesitated more, staying by his papa's side, waiting to see what his sister would do. “You can pick them up and look at them.” He reassured both of them.
Ilya and Shane watched as Ava carefully picked up the one of him on his first day of school. Her eyes going back and forth from a young kindergarten Ilya to her papa sat in front of her. “That's you papa.” Dimitri abandoned his side, scooting closer to his sister to get a look of the photo.
A smile tugged at the corner of Ilya's mouth. “Yes, that was me when I was very small. That's my mama.” He pointed at her next to him in the photo. “This was my first day of school.”
“She's pretty.” Ava said. He looked up at Ilya again then back to his mother in the photo.
“She looks like Hana.” Dimitri said in awe.
“Hana does look a lot like her, doesn't she?” The same eyes his mother passed down to him, he had passed down to his own daughter now. Other similarities were starting to become more pronounced as Hana got bigger but overall, she looked a lot like her grandmother save for her nose and lips.
They both looked at the rest of the photos, not saying anything as they studied each of them with more focus than he thought either was capable of at this age. Ilya looked over at Shane, who hadn't been saying much this whole time, just watching and seeing how his kids would react. Shane noticed his glance and the tension left his jaw momentarily. He could see that Ilya was fine, that the twins were fine, that this had been going well. Dimitri got to the last photo, the one of his mother holding him as a baby on her lap while his older brother entertained him. He showed his sister and both eyes fixated on his mother and the baby version of him.
“Papa was lil’ like Hana.” Ava said in awe.
Ilya chuckled, pulling her in close next to him. “Yes I was. We look a lot alike here don't we?” He looked at the photo, seeing a cubby baby with the same blue eyes and light brown curls his daughter had.
“Grandma is really pretty,” Dimitri said. He squinted and looked closer before looking at Ilya. “That's yours.” He pointed at Ilya's necklace.
“It is. But it was hers first.” Ilya softly said. “Goodbye gift I got after she went on her trip.”
Both the twins accepted that without any question. Dimitri put the photo down and looked at the very small collection of evidence that they now had of their grandmother. Ilya let them look at something he had kept so guarded, so secret for so long. He looked at both of their faces, Ava's eyes still wide with curiosity while Dimitris was slightly more focused at that moment. His eyes kept darting back and forth from a young version of their papa, to their grandmother.
“She looks fun like you papa.” Dimitri said.
Ilya felt his eyes start to sting with tears and his throat begin to tighten. He looked at Shane who saw him struggling and rubbed his back reassuringly. The touch of his husband was comforting to him. He didn't trust himself to say anything in response to that.
Ava noticed Ilya's reaction and her brows furrowed with worry. “Papa's sad now?”
Ilya swallowed hard and wiped his eyes quickly. He let out a deep breath. “No. I'm not sad. Just…” his voice trailed off. He felt a little overwhelmed at that moment. The idea of being told he looked fun like his mother were words he never expected to hear from anyone. Yet his son had said them so casually, not fully understanding the impact it would leave on Ilya. It was a mixed bag of emotions Ilya felt all at once. He was sorting through them and trying to focus on the positive ones. “It's just nice to hear Dimitri say that.”
Shane squeezed his shoulder and Ilya glanced over. Shane gave him a warm encouraging smile. Ilya felt some of the tension in his shoulders leave.
Ava cuddled closer to Ilya, leaning back into him. “I like seeing grandma.” Dimitri nodded in agreement.
“You do?” Ilya asked genuinely.
“Yeah.” Both twins said in unison.
“I do too,” Shane confessed. “This is nice just seeing pictures.” Despite the fact he had seen these photos before, it still felt special to see a young Ilya. Seeing him with his mother, so carefree and so innocent was something Shane would always deeply cherish.
Ilya played with Ava's hair, fingers twirling her curls without any fuss. “I liked this too.” Ilya said.
Ava turned around and wrapped his arms around him, her tiny body squeezing him as hard as she could. Dimitri joined in and Ilya opened his arms more, accepting the second toddler with ease. He squeezed the two tightly, kissing the tops of both their heads. Shane carefully collected the photos and put them on the nightstand next to him. He scooted closer to his husband, kissing his cheek once he was next to him. Being able to start sharing little things like this about his mother was nice. Overwhelming, yes, but nice. It was a baby step in the right direction of being able to talk about her without feeling the overwhelming wave of sadness and pain that followed. He knew he wasn't alone in that journey, surrounded by the family he had made for himself.