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Something's wrong.
He couldn’t breathe. Pain spread across his chest, he could feel it in his shoulder, in his head, behind the scar where his right eye would be. No.
He was aware of his body shaking, his lungs heaving, a deafening ringing in his ears, and the roots. Twisting, pushing, pulling, writhing. No… no.
They’re supposed to be gone. They were gone.
He tried to tear them out again, but he couldn’t see. The branches were wrapped around his eyes.
Tangled around his chest.
He couldn’t breathe.
When he could finally see again, hear and feel again, Qifrey realized he was being held tight. Olruggio, top-naked and warm, was holding him close and shushing him, whispering words of comfort Qifrey couldn't even make out. He was holding both of Qifrey’s hands away from him by the wrists, as if restraining them. Qifrey realized his face was wet, his throat felt raw, and his arms and face burned. Oh, God.
He tore out of Olruggio’s arms, his side hitting the doorway as he near-crashed into the bathroom. The sudden loss of warmth from the other man around him made him feel even more sick. This isn't happening.
Next thing he knew, he was over the void toilet, retching and gagging, but nothing came out. Fuck. His breathing quickened, and then he was gasping for air all over again.
Suddenly there was a hand on his back, drawing circles so slowly and calmly he could almost believe there was nothing at all wrong with the world, or himself. A voice drowned back into his head. Olruggio was close again, telling him he needed to breathe, that everything will be okay.
It didn't feel like it, not in a million years did it feel like it. His body felt like it was burning and his head was pounding. He felt the urge to push Olruggio as far away from him as possible, but he couldn't move anymore.
He just sat there on the cold floor, between the toilet and his lover, shaking and trying to calm his breathing. Face tear-stained, he felt sweaty and dirty. Uncomfortable and disgusting. Part of him thought, good, it can't take me like this. But then the other part remembered that wasn't necessary at all anymore, and he felt sick all over again. It's gone, but it still has a hold over him.
How long is it going to be like this?
Just when he thought he was calming down, he felt another sob push its way up his throat. His vision blurred. He felt arms wrap around him tight, he heard Olruggio speaking to him kindly, always too kind. He couldn't think anymore, couldn't move. He felt himself being coaxed up off the floor, he blinked and suddenly he was sitting on the bed instead.
Olruggio was next to him still and he realized briefly through the haze, that he had his shirt back on. Something about that made him cry harder. He heard himself babbling something incoherently, but even he couldn’t tell what he was trying to say. Then his face was buried into a shoulder and he was once again being shushed, with a hand rubbing his back. It's too much. He's too kind. Despite every nerve in his body telling him to stop this, Qifrey stayed where he was, crying, hands gripping at the fabric of Olruggio’s clothing, until he was too exhausted to keep going.
When he woke, the first thing he heard was birds singing and distant footsteps from another room. He opened his eye and the harsh morning light burned bright into his vision. He grimaced and put his arm over his face, blocking the light out, and he wondered where his glasses were.
Then the events of the night before came back to him. A wave of anxiety and guilt washed over him, he must’ve cried himself to sleep.
The night had started out so much more peaceful, it was calm, serene. The girls had all gone to bed and Olruggio and him finally had time alone. They ate and drank wine and sat close together, chatting by the fire for hours. When Olruggio had pulled him to his room, he was excited and happy, finally, he had thought. He’d waited years for them to be together like this, they both had.
It had felt good, he loved the feeling of Olruggio’s lips, his hands, and their bodies pressed together. It was so good.
So why…?
Qifrey, now lying in bed alone, realized that he didn’t even really know what happened. One moment he felt like he was on cloud nine, Olruggio was undoing the neck of his shirt, kissing the newly exposed skin as he did, then the next thing he remembered, he was overwhelmed with panic and fear. He couldn’t remember half of what happened afterwards though, and that sent a chill down his spine.
The door of the room opened and Qifrey flinched at the sound of it. He sat up quickly and squinted through the bright light, his hand held up in an attempt to block it.
“Oh! Sorry, your glasses..” He heard Olly before he saw him, in fact he couldn't make out his face at all until he got much closer. He watched him pull out his glasses from a pocket in his cloak, “They fell on the ground last night, got a small crack, but I fixed ‘em up.”
He held them out to him and Qifrey felt his chest ache as he slowly took them and put them back on his face. When did they fall? When did he even take them off? He couldn't remember.
“Don’t look like that.” Olruggio said bluntly, and Qifrey looked up at him, confused. His voice softened, “That look on your face I mean.. It’s not your fault.” He sat down on the bed next to him, and Qifrey noticed he was nervously fidgeting with his hands. His heart sank, he felt so guilty.
There was silence for a while, and more fidgeting, then Olruggio spoke again, “Will you…!” He seemed to speak louder than he meant to at first, because he stopped and cleared his throat and tried again, speaking gentler, “Will you say something, please?” His voice broke ever so slightly at the end, and his hands twisted tightly together in his lap.
Qifrey suddenly felt like all the air was knocked out of his lungs. He didn’t even realize until now that he hadn't said a single promising word to this sweet man since he walked into the room.
He pulled the air back to his lungs, and started, “S- sor-” But his voice was rough and his throat was too dry, and before he could even get the words out he found himself coughing uncontrollably.
Olruggio cursed under his breath and got up, he came back quickly with a glass of water.
Qifrey drank from it and when he managed to finally catch his breath again, he looked up at Olruggio, “Thank you.. I’m sorry.”
“Ah, geez, don’t apologize. You didn’t do anythin’ wrong.” Qifrey didn’t agree. Olruggio sat next to him on the bed again, “Qifrey… Can we talk ‘bout last night? I- well, if you don’t want to, that's fine,” Qifrey opened his mouth to reply, but he wasn’t finished, “But I just. I want to know… I didn't do anything wrong did I? I didn't hurt you?” He had been avoiding eye contact until this point, he looked up and his face was serious, but Qifrey saw his eyes were misted over.
For another gut-wrenching moment, Qifrey stared in disbelief. Then when he found his words he replied as fast as possible, “No! Oh heavens, no.” For the first time this morning, he finally moved more than a couple centimeters and he wrapped his arms around Olruggio, burying his face in his shoulder. “No, ‘f course not, no. Wasn’t you.” His words were muffled in the fabric of Olruggio’s cloak.
He felt Olruggio breathe out a sigh of relief from under him, and one hand came up to rest on Qifrey's back, moving up and down slowly, Qifrey wondered at this point if it was a habit of his more than anything.
Qifrey pulled away enough to see him, Olruggio was sat on the edge of the bed, but Qifrey was on his knees, so he was positioned slightly above Olly, having to look down at him. He placed his hand on the side of Olruggio's face and watched him lean into it without hesitation. "We can talk about it. I'm just.. not sure how much I can tell you." He moved his thumb back and forth across Olruggio's cheek as he gathered his thoughts, "Not because I don't want to. I just don't really remember…" He trailed off as he felt a shiver down his back again, he hoped Olruggio couldn't feel it.
"Oh." Olruggio whispered, and Qifrey knew he was thinking the same thing he was. Memories ravaged and stolen, they both had experience with it. But, logically, they both knew the reasoning now was nothing similar to that, "D'you want me to tell you what happened? From my point of view anyway."
Qifrey thought about it for a moment, he brought his hand down from Olruggio's face, and shifted position so he was more at eye level with him. Part of him didn't want to know at all, to be kept in the dark of how horrible he might have acted, but on the other hand, he didn't want Olruggio left alone with the burden of it. "Yes, please."
Olruggio took in a steadying breath and he opened his mouth to speak, but it just closed again. His eyebrows furrowed, he seemed to be figuring out where to start.
"Would it help if I told you what I do remember?" Qifrey asked, and Olruggio's expression seemed more relieved as he nodded. "I do remember everything from before I…" He didn't even know what to call what happened to him. He reached out and held one of Olruggio's hands with his own, nervously tracing over his skin as he recounted, "We were having a good time, I was. It felt right." He made eye contact with Olly as he said that, he wanted to make sure he knew this wasn't his fault. "But, I don't know, it was like something switched inside of me. I just suddenly felt very afraid, overwhelmingly so. And then I felt… the, I fel-"
His breath hitched in his throat, he couldn't even say it.
He broke eye contact and felt tears welling up. Olruggio, ever the angel, gave him grace and waited for him to speak.
He felt Olly grip his hand tighter, and he took in a breath and looked back up at him, "They were wrapping around me… Oh, Olly. It was like it was back in my body again, like I'd made a huge mistake deciding to finally be selfish." His voice wavered and the tears finally started spilling then, he let go of Olruggio's hand to bring up his own in an attempt to hide his face.
Olruggio didn't let it last long, gently, he took back Qifrey's hand in his own, and he used his other to wipe his tears away. His voice sounded pained, "Qifrey.. It's not selfish to want to be close to someone you love." Then he pulled Qifrey in close and wrapped his arms around him.
Someone you love. There was another thing they hadn't done yet. But with them, 'I love you' tended to be littered in their actions rather than their words.
After a moment, when he seemed content with Qifrey's lack of any more tears, Olruggio pulled back. Caressing Qifrey's face, he asked gently, "Do you remember anything else?"
Qifrey thought for a moment, then shook his head, "Rest of it is a blur really, I just remember bits. We were on the floor at one point, I felt sick, and then we were on the bed again. I didn't feel good." Bit of a understatement there, he knew he'd felt horrid.
Olruggio hummed in acknowledgment, then sighed, "Well, when you first started panickin' then.. It was like you couldn't breathe, and then… you.." He seemed to have a sudden realization and worry crossed over his features, "Shit! I completely forgot!" Then he was holding Qifrey's face and examining it and Qifrey felt very confused.
"What…?" Qifrey questioned him as he then took his arms by the wrists and started pulling back his sleeves.
Olruggio didn't look up from Qifrey's arms as he spoke quietly, "Y' started scratching yourself.. had to hold you back. I was gonna check it wasn't too bad, but a lot was happenin', it slipped my mind..." He felt Olruggio's fingers tracing lightly down his arm, and a slight burn. He didn't even process what he'd said until he looked down. Bright red lines ran down the length of both his arms, from shoulder to wrist. Oh.
Of course, Qifrey wasn't a stranger to harming himself, he'd done it in so many various ways to keep the tree at bay. But he always kept it to himself, and he'd since stopped doing it, purposely anyway, after the curse was gone.
But this was too physical, and he did it right in front of Olruggio. Worst of all, he didn't have the slightest recollection of it.
The sound of Olruggio's voice brought him back to himself, "It doesn't look too bad, don't even look like it bled. Might have some marks there for a bit but…" He huffed out a laugh nervously and looked up, "At least I managed to keep you from gettin' your face too bad, no marks there anymore."
Qifrey felt like his head was spinning. "How are you-!" How is he being so calm about this? He felt horrible, freaking out and hurting himself like that in front of him. He always kept this sort of thing private. And he thought he was done with it.
"Hey," he felt Olruggio's hands on his shoulders, "breathe. It's okay." He realized that his breathing had quickened and he was shaking. He reeled it in the best he could. Closed his eye tight and took a deep breath. Then opened it again to see Olruggio gently pulling his sleeves back down.
"Good." He held Qifrey's gaze and took one of his hands in his. "Look… You don't have to worry 'bout me. I can tell that's what you're doin'. I'm here to be with you through all this, that's what I want, okay?"
Qifrey nodded, though he didn't feel convinced. He chewed on his bottom lip and braced himself to hear more, "What else happened?"
Olruggio sighed, "Nothing as bad… You seemed to think your glasses were in the way and you threw them down," he laughed again, Qifrey couldn't understand how easily he was making light of this, "but the rest of it was just tryin' to calm you down, after a while I thought you were, but then you rushed to the toilet.."
"I remember that." He had felt so sick and overwhelmed, at the time it made him wonder, against his better judgment, if he'd suddenly come down with something.
Olruggio nodded, "You got worked up again, I brought you back to bed when you calmed down enough. Then uh, you just cried 'til you fell 'sleep…" He sounded awkward talking about this sort of thing, "I stayed for awhile then I went and fixed your glasses in my room. I meant to come back and check on you but I passed out at my desk." He scratched the back of his head timidly.
Qifrey felt like the guilt was eating him alive. He took a shaky breath and leaned his forehead against Olruggio's shoulder, effectively hiding his face from view. He whispered, "I'm so sorry."
Olruggio's arms instantly wrapped around him, pulling him close, "It's not your fault. You-" Qifrey moved quickly and placed a light, swift kiss on Olruggio's lips, just to shut him up. As much as he wanted to hear his words of consolation, it just made him feel worse right now.
Qifrey moved back to leaning against Olruggio's shoulder and spoke quietly, "I do know why it happened. I spent so long avoiding things like this, just so I wouldn't die. It's too late now, my body's too used to expecting pain when I feel anything good."
For a while, the only sound was Olruggio breathing under him, and birds. The silence went on so long in fact, that Qifrey had started dozing off right there, tucked into the crook between Olly's neck and shoulder. He startled slightly when Olruggio finally spoke, "That's not true."
Qifrey shifted so he could see his face, he looked sad but serious. He hated seeing his best friend sad just because of him.
"You've made so much progress even now… I mean, it's been what? A few months? Look at this." Olruggio gestured with one hand between the two them, holding each other close on Qifrey's bed. "We couldn't do this before. Qifrey, we hold each other, and kiss, and you lay your emotions bare in front of me like this.. That never even felt like a possibility before." He paused for second and Qifrey could see him putting the words together in his head, "To put it plainly, we don't have to have sex. Not right away. It can take as long as you need it to. It doesn't have to happen at all. I'm stuck right here by your side no matter what."
Too kind.
Qifrey felt himself fighting tears once again, "But I want… I want-" his voice shook and he moved back to Olruggio's shoulder, then he lifted his head and pressed a kiss into his neck, and then another one, "I want…" then another.
Before he could keep going, Olruggio stopped him, gently pushing him away and resting a hand on the side of his face, "I know. I do too. But not right now, okay? Give it time."
Qifrey watched him for a moment, searching his eyes for signs of annoyance or hate, but he found none there. He nodded, then grief pushed its way up his throat, and the tears that'd been building fell. He lunged forward into Olruggio's chest and sobbed. He felt so embarrassed, but Olruggio just held him tight and whispered sweet encouragements. How is he so understanding?
Qifrey didn't know how he managed to obtain someone so pure of heart. He felt like the most opposite kind of person.
He needed him so bad. So badly, the selfishness of it made him feel sick. He wanted to be close to him in the millions of ways they had spent years dreaming of, but his body and mind wouldn't comply. He felt useless. He tried to remind himself of what Olruggio had just told him, progress and time. He knew he was right, but he felt so impatient.
Eventually, he cried out all the tears he had left, which left him feeling tired, raw and exposed before his friend, but somewhat relieved now that it was all out. He sighed and sat up, wiping his face dry as he whispered, "You're too kind to me."
Olruggio scoffed, "No such thing. You deserve it. Don't even try to disagree too, you know I won't listen." Qifrey breathed out a laugh, he knew that was true. So he let it go, for now.
There was silence for a space, Qifrey stared down at his lap fidgeting with his hands, and he could feel Olruggio watching him. The air was lighter than it was before though and Olly spoke up, "Feel better?" Qifrey looked up and gave a small smile, nodding. Olruggio made move to stand up, "Good, you should get something to eat. Y'know, something tells me the girls might be making breakfast this morning…"
Qifrey raised his eyebrows slightly and watched Olly casually smooth out his clothing, "Did you put them up to that?" Then a worried thought crossed his mind and he frowned, "Do they know…?"
Olruggio shook his head and reassured him, "They were fast asleep when all that happened, I just told 'em you were tired, and might appreciate some help with breakfast this time."
"You didn't have to do that." Qifrey sighed, but really he was relieved and grateful, if he had to cook for himself right now, he probably would've just opted to staying in bed all day instead.
"Oh, yes I did. C'mon then!" He smiled down at Qifrey and held out his hand for him. Qifrey smiled back as he took it and stood up. "By the way, after we eat, you're spending all day resting. No exceptions. I can tell you're exhausted." Olruggio put his hand on Qifrey's back as they walked across the room.
Qifrey tried to think of a way to protest, but he couldn't find one. Suddenly he felt overwhelming appreciation wash over him. He let out a breath and stopped walking. When Olruggio turned towards him in question, he moved forward and hugged him tight. He moved his head to the side to place a kiss at his temple, but he didn't say anything, just held him close.
Olruggio wrapped his arms around him in turn, and then after giving him a moment, he spoke, "Don't be a sap now." Qifrey moved back and shot him a glare. "Oh, what? Too soon?"
It took a moment for Qifrey to process it, but when he got the joke he pulled away fully and gasped lightly, giving Olruggio an incredulous look. "You-!" He tried to pretend to act offended, but the corner of his mouth lifted, and before he knew it he burst out laughing. He lightly pushed Olruggio in the chest, "You- you're ridiculous!" Olruggio grinned at him as he attempted to catch his breath.
Once he managed to calm down, he wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes and saw Olruggio still grinning at him, "All done?" He took his hand.
Qifrey smiled back and took in a deep breath of relief, Olruggio somehow always knew how to lighten the mood, even in the most absurd ways. "Yes.. You idiot." Qifrey intertwined their fingers and they moved to walk out the room.
As they walked towards the kitchen Qifrey bumped purposely into Olruggio's shoulder, effectively causing him to trip and nearly fall, but their hands were still connected and Qifrey used it to yank him back up towards him. Olruggio made an offended noise at him but he just smiled and walked on like nothing happened.
When they got to the kitchen, the view there warmed his heart. All four of their girls were working hard to make a suitable breakfast for everyone. Olruggio moved into the room to inspect their work, but Qifrey stayed where he stood, watching them.
Coco was the first to look up and notice him, she smiled brightly and greeted him, "Master! You're awake!" The rest of the girls followed suit after that, wishing him a good morning. Then Coco started detailing what they were cooking, making a point to describe the spells she'd been practicing to help. She was covered nearly head to toe in flour.
Qifrey smiled fondly and walked further into the room. He listened intently to Coco's rambling and gave her encouraging words. He moved to help cook, forgetting his unwillingness to do so from earlier, but suddenly someone was pushing him back. "No!!" Tetia was in front of him, pushing him away from the counter and towards the dining table, "You sit! You always do breakfast every morning, it's our turn! And besides we're almost done anyway!" She didn't rest until Qifrey sat down, then she went back to the stove. Qifrey noticed Olruggio snickering at him and he shot him a half-hearted glare. Olly smirked and shrugged and went back to making sure the girls had everything settled.
Qifrey sighed and looked up at the scene before him. The five people he cherished most in his life rushing chaotically around the kitchen, just so he didn't have to. A warm feeling spread across his chest and suddenly his worries from earlier seemed very, very small. He was still healing, he realized. Even if what happened last night happens again, and he's sure it will, he still has this. This family who will be there for him no matter how hard it is for him.
He had wondered before what the point was, having the Silverwood removed from his body, if it still had so much power over his mind.
He decided now, that this was very worth it.