Work Text:
Love isn’t unconditional. That sort of love doesn’t exist. You’ve always had to earn it, starting with your Dad - you’re no son of mine - and ending with Chrissie. God, did you try with Chrissie. You played all your cards right, the perfect gentleman when that's what she needed. A little rough around the edges to keep her interested. Always on guard, on the defensive because loving you would never come naturally to her.
Loving you never came naturally to anyone.
+
Aaron comes into your life like some fucking natural disaster. Everything about him is messy. He’s everything you never knew you wanted, everything you’re not allowed to have. You know you shouldn’t go anywhere near him, it’s a disaster waiting to happen, but he’s all smart mouth and righteous indignation with his hands in your shirt and your back against the wall, his body a tense line of muscle and fury and heat. God, you never could resist a challenge.
It takes you a while before you realise it’s all an act. The tough guy routine is so far from the truth it’s laughable. Sure he hurts people - fists first, questions later but he doesn’t mean it. Not like you mean it. When you hurt people it’s calculated, always playing the long game. Words carefully selected to cut the deepest.
Aaron isn’t like that. You aren’t sure what Aaron is like.
+
You start it because you can’t help yourself and it carries on for the same reason. Days turn into weeks turn into months and you argue more than you fuck but it’s not about that anymore. You aren’t sure what it’s about.
Maybe it’s the fact that he is the polar opposite of Chrissie. Aaron is all mouth and hot temper, rough hands and taut muscle. Engine grease and sweat. Infuriating and addicting in equal measure.
Chrissie is soft flesh, curves and grace and high class. She’s so put together and perfect and beautiful whereas Aaron is constantly falling apart.
But then you see the way he bites his lip when he’s nervous or the way his face lights up when he laughs and you think maybe he’s beautiful too.
+
You want it all and you have it for a while. You have the wife and the job and the house and the cars and it’s everything you ever wanted. You’ve earned it. But you have him too - not in the way he wants but in the ways that matter. You used to think that meant sex because that’s all you ever asked of him. He gives you more anyway. He tells you he loves you and you shove it back in his face because he’s nothing and you love Chrissie and you’re getting married.
Except he’s not nothing, he’s so close to being everything and suddenly you have far too much to lose on both sides.
+
He stops pushing after a while, sometime after Katy when you thought he’d never look at you the same way again. He stops asking for more and you never offer. You tell him you love him though, because he needs it. Because you need him. The funny thing is that you mean it, you love him. Somewhere amidst the fights and the sex and the lies you fell in love. It isn’t enough, not for either of you, but it keeps him around and that’s enough for now.
+
Then there was the cabin, your whole life falling apart in front of you and you’ve got him tied to a radiator because you need to fix this, you can’t leave it like this.
You tell him you love him because it’s all you have left. You can’t lie your way out this time. You’ve never been so out of control. Aaron sees you, all that you are and finds you lacking.
"How could I love you?"
You didn’t expect any different, couldn’t expect forgiveness. Love doesn’t work that way. He finds you with Chrissie and plays his trump card. Takes everything you’ve got left, viciously rips up the life you’ve worked so hard for. The life you’ve fought tooth and nail for. You don’t blame him.
You want to tell him you didn’t mean it, you aren’t that guy. You don’t kill people. You were scared and cornered and why couldn’t they just mind their own business anyways? They pushed and you reacted and now you can’t take it back. There’s no second chance this time.
+
You think it’s over then because how could it not be? You played the game and you lost, lost Aaron and lost Chrissie and everything else worth a damn. You see Chrissie falling apart, Aaron so full of hate and think maybe there are no winners here.
But then Gordon happens and suddenly Aaron is drowning and all you want to do is save him. You aren’t even playing games anymore, stakes are too high for point scoring. For once, you aren’t trying to help yourself. You aren’t trying to win him back. You see him falling apart and you just want to put him back together, want to see him smile again. It doesn’t matter if it ends up with you out of the picture in the end as long as you don’t lose him. Doesn’t matter if you actually have him or not, you can’t face a world where Aaron isn’t in it somewhere.
You wonder if this is what real love is.
+
"I need to be able to rely on you, Robert."
You want to scream that you’d die for him if that’s what he wanted, you’d rip the whole world apart, burn the ashes. Kill anyone that hurt him and make them suffer for it to because he’s everything and he’s yours and no one will ever hurt him again.
That isn’t what he needs to hear.
You can’t mess this up, not this time, and you’ve never been more terrified because it doesn’t matter that you’d do anything for him, not right now. What matters is that there isn’t a thing in this world you haven’t broken somehow and what matters is that you’ve never been faithful once in your life and what matters is he wants you to be honest and how do you do that when your whole life has been lie after lie?
You try anyway.
+
It isn’t easy. You and Aaron have never been easy. There’s still fights and scars and suddenly there’s a kid you never asked for and it’s hard. But even though it’s not perfect, it’s the realest thing you’ve ever known. It feels like you’re building something, something amazing and permanent and you have Aaron and suddenly you have Liv too and Chas stops hating you long enough for you to think that this is where you belong.
This is it for you. Aaron is it for you. You still don’t know how it happened. Don’t know what you could’ve possibly done to deserve this. Don’t understand why you get to be this happy.
You love Aaron and you know why you love him. You could list a million reasons if he asked you to and it would still never come close to explaining how much you need him.
The problem is, you don’t know why Aaron loves you. You don’t understand how you got here, lying in your bed with his head on your chest and his hands idly drawing patterns on the skin of your stomach. You don’t understand why there’s a ring on his finger, a sign that he’s yours and you’re his and of course that’s how it should be but you don’t understand why he’d ever do that to himself.
+
You don’t know so you ask him, and it’s the most vulnerable you’ve been in a long time but it’s 2am and you’re in love with this man and he’s given you the world and you need to know why.
“What sort of questions that?” He scoffs, peering up at you, frowning.
“An important one?” You shrug but he must see how important this is to you - of course he does, you always saw through you, didn’t he? - because his eyes go soft and he sits up a little so he can look at you better.
“I think you want me to list a bunch of stuff. Reasons why I love you.” Aaron smiles then and you shrug because yes, that was the point. “But I don’t think that’s what love is.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I could tell you how I love your laugh, how it brightens up your whole fucking face until you're golden and shining like a fucking angel. Or I could tell you that I love your sense of humour. I love how sarcastic you can be. I love how arrogant you are and how it’s all a front and I could say how I love that underneath there’s someone who cares so fucking much that they don’t know what to do with it all.” He’s smiling again, and you’re a little bit captivated and he kisses you gently on the mouth.
“I could tell you how I love your hands,” Aaron takes one in his own and plants a kiss on the palm and you’ve never seen him like this before but you like it. You need it. “And what they do to me. Or I could tell you I love how smart you are and how gentle you can be and how you don’t back down when you think I’m being an idiot. And I could tell you that I love you because you’re fucking beautiful and because you were there when I needed you and that you’ve saved my fucking life before. More than once. But that’s not why I love you, not really.”
“Then why do you love me?” You ask and it’s hard to get the words out past your throat.
“Because I don’t have a choice. Love doesn’t work that way. You’re everything, Robert. And I don’t just love the good bits, okay? I know what this is about. You think you don’t deserve it. Don’t deserve this.”
He laughs then, pulls you closer with a hand around the back of your neck that feels like a lifeline. Your foreheads meet and you’re sharing breaths as he tells you “I love you, Robert. I fell in love with you and that’s it. It’s done. There’s no taking it back. I know you can be manipulative. And you can be so fucking cruel when you want to be. Fuck, you’re a natural born liar, Rob. You’re good at it, and you’re good at playing games and you love doing it. And you’ve hurt people and you’ve hurt me but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“How can it not matter?” Your voice is breaking a little bit but fuck if your hearts not swollen to twice its size because Aaron knows you like no one else has ever known you and he fucking loves you anyways. You’ve never known love like this.
“You’re family, Rob. You’re my family and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” Aaron says and you look at this boy who found his father in some bloke his mum had a fling with, who found his brother in some farm lad he met as a teen and you understand.
Family. You thought that was the biggest joke of them all growing up but you know what he means when he says it. Family is everything to Aaron, you wouldn’t expect less from a Dingle, and here he is, offering it to you like you’re worthy.
“That doesn’t mean you get a free pass, doesn’t mean I’ll always take you back no matter what. It just means that if you need me I’ll be there, okay? Always.”
“You’re amazing, you know that?” You say to him and you mean it. Aaron loves with his whole heart and he taught you how to do it too and right now it feels like you’re drowning in it, drowning in the love you feel for him, in the love he feels for you. But for once, you aren’t scared. You feel safe. “I love you so fucking much.”
You think maybe unconditional love does exist, because you can’t imagine anything ever changing how you feel in this moment. There is nothing you wouldn’t do, no line you wouldn’t cross for this man and for once the feeling is mutual. You are loved. You are loved like you have never been loved before and for the first time in your life you aren’t being selfish. This is bigger than that, purer than that. It just is. There are no games, no lies. Just love.
“I love you too, Rob.” Aaron says, dragging you into a hug. You bury your face in his neck, breathing him in and he smells like home.
And if you’re holding onto him a little too tight, Aaron doesn’t say anything. He just pulls you closer.