Work Text:
Ema already saw the letter sent from her hometown when she opened the mail box. It didn't matter who it was from, she did not want to think about that right now. There was a reason she took the first opportunity presented to her to move to Zagreb.
But she knew who had sent this one. She would recognise her old best friend's handwriting everywhere. She put it away in her room deeming it a problem for future-her.
She was currently living with two roommates in their late 20s. Needless to say she didn’t connect with them very much. Her plan was to move into a flat with Kat and Anto next semester. She had met them through her last boyfriend Marko, whom she had met during freshers week. Their relationship hadn't been that serious so she had no problem cutting him off when he reacted badly to Anto, his old best friend, coming out.
Ema fell onto her bed, she didn't know how she was so exhausted after basically not paying attention in class all day.
_________
Ema couldn’t sleep. Her old best friend’s letter laying heavy on her mind.
Ema: anyone awake?
Not expecting a response she put her phone away again and just stared into darkness.
If she still lived at home she would now sneak into the kitchen and make herself something to drink but in the flat she lived now, the walls were thin and her roommates would probably kill her if she woke them in the middle of the night.
Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone screen lighting up.
Anto: everything okay?
Ema: idk just a lot on my mind
Anto: did your stoner guy do something
Anto: ill find him
Ema: and do what
Anto: what do you mean i am strong and intimidating
Ema: right…
Anto: are you calling me gay rn
Ema: [homophobic dog meme]
Anto: no but seriously whats up
Ema: friend from my hometown wrote me a letter
Ema: and idk how to react
Ema: we havent talked in forever and its just weird between us idk
Anto: a letter damn
Anto: i mean you dont have to respond immediatly
Anto: or at all
Anto: why is it weird
Ema: we just grew apart i think
Ema: we always wanted to move in together
Ema: and now i am here and shes still there
Ema: fell in love with a guy from a neighbour village
Ema: started ignoring me
Ema: and now this
Anto: damn im sorry…
Anto: i know what you mean tho
Anto: i mean my best friend called me disgusting and stopped talking to me
Anto: if he ever sent me a letter id kms
Anto: do you want us to come over and open it with you?
Ema: mhhh
Ema: idk no i think ill manage but thanks
Anto: good luck xx
Ema finally had it in her to get up. She got out the letter from the drawer she had put it in.
She turned on her night light, sat on her bed and began reading.
Dear Hey Hello Ema,
hope you are doing well. Living in the big city must be exciting. Hope you are studying something creative like you always wanted. I saw you cut your hair. It looks so great. Weird seeing you with a buzz cut but somehow it is so you. I don’t even know why I am writing you this to be honest. I wanted to see you over Christmas but we were just both too busy. Josua and I are moving in together. Well we are moving into his parents basement but there is enough space. I think he might propose to me soon. This new part of my life feels so weird. Especially without you. I don't think I ever told you this but our time together was genuinely the best time of my life. I don't think anyone will ever make me feel the way you did. I wish I was as brave as you. I don’t know why I’m telling you this you don't even have to respond.
Love you lots and forever
Bel
Ema finished reading with tears in her eyes. She genuinely felt like she couldn't breathe. Her heart felt painful in her chest and she was filled with regret.
Bel and her used to be best friends, even though they were always together in school they still had to spend every second of their free time together too.
Their families were close so they had lots of sleepovers. Bel used to crawl into bed with her, placing her hands on Ema’s waist. She missed that kind of peaceful sleep. No one had ever made her feel like this again, not even Marko, her ex boyfriend or Lovro, her current one. She had thought her relationship with Marko was weird at the time but when she learned his true character after he reacted badly to Anto coming out she just blamed her uncomfortable feeling on her intuition, she didn’t have an explanation for Lovro yet.
She remembered telling Marko that he was her first kiss but the truth was that the memory of Bel’s lips on hers being just too painful.
It happened after they had given up their dream of sharing a flat in Zagreb. After Bel decided it was better to stay in their hometown with her boyfriend.
Ema remembered checking her emails while Bel was in the room with her. She remembered getting accepted to a photography club in Zagreb. Bel was so happy for her she jumped up and pulled her into a hug. Ema still felt the excitement of Bel pressing her lips to hers. The memory was immediately tainted by Bel jumping back and opening her eyes in shock.
‘I…’ she started ‘I’m not…’ Bel searched for an explanation. ‘I have a boyfriend.’
Ema didn’t need to be reminded. Having to see him nearly every time she wanted to meet with Bel was painful enough.
‘I know. Happy for you.’ Ema was not happy. But she couldn’t admit that. Couldn’t confess how painful it was that Bel chose him over her. But after all, he was a boy and she was a girl so it really wasn’t a choice at all. Ema stood no chance.
Back then Ema had no name for this feeling but after moving to a bigger city and especially after meeting Anto, she was starting to figure herself out.
_________
When Ema finally managed to bring herself to plan a date with a girl for the first time, she didn’t tell anyone. Not even Anto, or her ex-boyfriend turned friend Lovro, even though both of them would get it. No wonder she always attracted those gay men, they were like two sides of the same coin.
She still couldn’t help but text her new best friends, even if it wasn’t the full truth.
Ema: guys he finally sent me the address for the park we are going to
Anto: who?
Anto: are we invited too
Kat: anto her date
Anto: oh right
Anto: didnt wanna come anyway
Ema: hahahahha
Ema: you sound like a straight guy after he got rejected
Anto: at least im not the one going on a date with a straight guy
Ema couldn’t help but smile, if only he knew.
Kat: at least shes going on a date at all
Anto: dont laugh at my gay pain :/
_________
She was out drinking with Lovro, Eva and Jakov.
She was probably way too drunk for a Thursday evening, but she didn’t care. She realised she was surrounded by some of the coolest people she knew (despite what she had told Lovro after they stopped dating) and the alcohol stopped her usual overthinking.
‘I think I’m a lesbian.’
Lovro caught up some of his beer again. ‘What??’ At the same time as Jakov said. ‘I’m happy for you.’
‘Yes girls are gorgeous.’ Eva added while dreamingly looking at the ceiling.
‘Sorry.’ Lovro started again. ‘Wrong reaction. I was just shocked. I mean what a coincidence we were both gay??.’
‘Yea I seem to have that effect on gay men. They love me.’
Lovro held up his beer. ‘Cheers to that.’
_________
Ema knew objectively that coming out to Anto should be easy. He was gay after all he was gonna be supportive. Still every time they met up she felt like there was something blocking her from just saying it. Eventually she just settled on texting him. It was a cowardly move but it was better than never telling him.
Ema: anto yk how you always want to make more gay friends
Anto: yea i mean this guy i went on a date with recommended a gay bar to me but idk if i wanna see all my ex situationships and hookups in one place :/
Anto: if i wanted that id go on grinder
Ema: hahhahaha
Ema: but no not what i mean
Ema: what if you already had more gay friends
Anto: what
Anto: are you drunk
Ema: ha no i wish
Ema: im trying to come out to you
Anto: WHAT
Anto: OMGG
Anto: now we can be gay together that is awesome!!!
Anto: well not TOGETHER together ofc that be gross
Anto: i take it back we should go to a gay bar
_________
Hello Bel,
sorry it took me so long to answer. Zagreb is awesome i met so many new people. You’d love it here. Maybe you can visit someday? I learned so much about myself. I met so many people. I dated two guys but i realised i was just not compatible with them. (If you know what i mean?) My parents made me study economics and its fine but i think i wanna become a photographer. My photos were in an exhibition can you believe it?? I'm moving in with two of my friends next semester. Sometimes i wish it could've been you, but i think i needed to be on my own for a while so i could admit to myself what i have probably known for years:
I did love you in a way you probably wouldn't approve of and i think you loved me too.
Its never too late to be yourself.
I wish you all the best,
Ema