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A thick, heavy silence surrounds you as you stand in the computer lab, paralyzed. All you can do is dart your eyes around, straining to make out anything beyond your peripheral. The hairs on your neck stand alert, hypersensitive to your environment.
Don't turn your back on the bodies.
Even if you could move, you don't think you'd have the guts to turn around. The picture of your friends' mutilated bodies is still seared into your mind.
Echoes of a deep, tinny thump resonate from afar, and you jolt. You still can't force your body to move, but your eyes track to where you think the noise came from.
The vents.
You take a shaky breath, lightheaded and suddenly aware that you haven't been breathing. Upon your exhale, you seem to gain back some semblance of control. Your fingers twitch, and you use this opportunity to grab the legs of your pants with your fists. Your arms are still helplessly glued to your sides.
Another inhale. You hold it for a few seconds and exhale once more, intentionally slow. You force your muscles to relax, releasing the grip on your pants. In, and out. In, and out.
You begin to feel a little more in control of yourself, and try moving your arm. You curl it up towards your chest, resting your hand over your wildly beating heart. You try to focus on the rhythm and attempt to slow it with your breathing.
In, and out.
You curl your other arm towards your chest, resting your hand on top of the other one.
In, and out.
You swallow thickly and wince. Your mouth is dry.
A cold bead of sweat rolls down your hairline as you force your head to turn to the right. A lone monitor glows, cutting through the darkness.
Your legs feel stiff as you take a couple steps toward the monitor, treading as lightly as possible. Fuchsia, jade, and gold paint your periphery, but you don't dare turn to look. You can't.
As you approach the computer, you see Trollian open with a pesterlog conversation that had already played out between you and Gamzee. You stand there, rereading the last few lines helplessly.
TC: and now.
TC: AND MOTHERFUCKING NOW.
TC: i am going to motherfuckin kill all you motherfuckers.
CG: OH GOD
CG: OH MAN
CG: OH GOD
TC: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
TC: and paint the wicked pictures with your motherfuckin blood.
TC: FROM YOUR VEINS WILL DRIP MY MIRACLES.
TC: your crushed bones will make my special stardust.
TC: WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, BROTHER.
Your heart is beating erratically once more. You're so scared, more scared than when you were forced to hide from the drones searching your hive, tucked away in your shallow grave of a crawlspace.
Your eyes squeeze shut as you swallow once more, a shuddered breath escaping from your lips.
Suddenly, you feel your spine crawl. Not a sound is made, but you don't feel like you're alone anymore.
Before you can turn to look, a hand darts out from behind you and smothers your mouth, forcing your head back. You try to scream, but to no avail. You can manage only a few muffled grunts as you flail against the iron grip holding you in place, but fall silent as you see your sickle come out from behind the other side of your face. Your head is forced back further, exposing your throat.
Ice cold fear floods your veins as you realize what is about to happen to you. You thrash desperately and violently, clawing and biting as the sickle is readied into position. Tears flow freely as you scream for someone, anyone to help you. You don't want to die.
Time flows simultaneously too fast and too slow when the sickle finally descends. You briefly see your own terrified expression reflected back at you on the blade's surface and you scrunch your eyes closed, bracing yourself for impact. All you can see is red. You feel the sharp tip puncture your skin and-
You gasp awake, hands scrambling for your throat as you cough and double over. You're shaking violently as you slip from the couch onto the floor of the common room, trying to catch your breath. Your claws tear at your throat. You can't breathe. You need to get out. God dammit, why can't you move??
"woah woah holy shit dude are you good??"
Your ears are ringing and your vision is spotty. You can still feel the cold metal of the sickle slicing through your neck. You scratch harder at your skin.
"fuck, karkat, cut it out! youre making yourself bleed!"
You feel hands grasp your wrists and you wrench away reflexively.
"GET AWAY FROM ME! LET ME GO, DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!"
"karkat! karkat its me! hey, look at me. youre safe man. its just me"
The black spots of your vision slowly start to dissipate and you begin to see Dave's blurry form kneeling in front of you. Your heartbeat is pounding in your skull and you feel dizzy. You suck in some more deep breaths as you try and focus your eyes.
"DAVE?"
It comes out like a broken whisper. You hate it.
"hey," he murmurs, the corner of his mouth curling up in a soft smile.
He reaches out a hand but hesitates, looking at you over his shades for approval. You nod slightly and he proceeds, cupping your cheek with his hand. You lean into it as he brushes away tears with his thumb. You guess that explains the blurry vision.
The two of you sit like that for awhile at the foot of the couch as you try to come back down to Earth. Or rather, Theseus. Fuck, that's right. You're once again blasting off through paradox space, except this time you're chasing some asshole with a God complex who kidnapped Dave's sister. Despite the circumstances, it brings a wave of relief. At least you're not on that godawful meteor anymore.
Dave's breathing is slow and measured. You try to match it.
As the adrenaline subsides, you become hyper aware of the stinging pain in your neck. Fuck, this is embarrassing. You're pathetic. You don't even have the energy to hold yourself back as a new wave of tears clouds your vision. Dave's other hand comes up to cup your cheek, cradling your face as he brushes the newly shed tears away.
"I-" you start, but your voice gives out. You clear your throat and try again.
"THIS IS STUPID. I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS STILL HAPPENING."
"dont worry about it right now dude, you dont have to explain yourself to me. well talk about it later when youre ready," he glances down at your neck. "but i really think we should get you cleaned up right now"
You wince as a new wave of pain flares up from your scratches upon their mention.
"FUCK, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS GOING TO BE HUMILIATING TRYING TO EXPLAIN."
"nah dont worry bro you can just borrow one of my tracksuit jackets, im sure thatll cover up the damage. everyone will just think 'oh yup they had another good night, lucky guys' and move on"
"I STILL DON'T KNOW WHICH OPTION IS WORSE."
"yeah yeah whatever nerd lets get you to the bathroom"
He groans when he stands, knees clicking.
"ow fuck. that was not a comfortable position to be spending several minutes in"
He extends a hand to you. You accept it and let him haul you up. You're still dizzy, and you sway a bit once you're on your feet. Fortunately he remains sturdy by your side, steadying you before you can fall on your ass.
"alright big guy lets go"
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, NOOKSNIFFER."
"oh i bet youd like that wouldnt you"
"NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT."
You’re currently sitting on a stool beside the shower, craning your neck uncomfortably as Dave cleans your wounds.
Fuck, this hurts. You’ve been through worse, numerous times in fact, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant. You wince as Dave brushes a damp cotton pad across the inflamed gashes.
"man id rather it be me marking up your neck, not whatever the hell youre doin here. youre puttin me to shame"
You scoff.
"YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THIS WASN'T INTENTIONAL. I'M NOT EXACTLY THRILLED THAT YOU HAVE TO TEND TO MY WOUNDS DUE TO MY LACK OF SELF-CONTROL, AND NOW I’M STUCK KEEPING THIS MESS HIDDEN TO AVOID SCRUTINY FROM THE OTHERS WHILE IT HEALS. THIS SHIT ISN'T EXACTLY EASY TO EXPLAIN AWAY IF SOMEONE HAPPENS TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF IT."
Dave just shrugs as he sets down the cotton pad and moves to grab the antibiotic ointment.
"like i said earlier, well keep it hidden. nobody has to know. its none of their business anyway," he says, gently spreading the ointment on the scrapes. "if its any consolation the cuts arent too deep. looks like theyll probably be healed within a week or two. im glad its not too bad because you really had me scared there with the amount you were bleeding earlier"
"WAS IT REALLY THAT BAD?"
"i mean kinda? it was pretty freaky seeing your neck covered in blood. but i think because you had a lot of surface level scratches it ended up looking worse than it actually was, thank fuck"
Weirdly, some part of you feels like a wimp for not scraping your neck deeper. All you could manage were minor gashes against your skin. You couldn’t even commit to hurting yourself properly, albeit unintentionally. You let out a sigh as you try and focus on what Dave is doing.
Currently he is rummaging through the first aid kit, looking for the gauze and medical tape. It's really been sinking in how irritating this whole ordeal is going to be until your neck is healed. This is the worst nightmare you've had in quite a while. Furthermore, it's the first time you've hurt yourself in a trance this badly.
This is bullshit, you think. It's been six entire sweeps since all of that shit went down, why are you still being such a wriggler about it? Sure, it was fucked up. Sure, you cared deeply about the friends you lost, even some of the assholes. But in the grand scheme of things? You're doing pretty alright. More than alright. You went through hell and somehow made it out on the other side, despite all the challenges paradox space threw at you. You even ended up finding the love of your life throughout all this horseshit.
What should have been a comforting thought sits heavily in your gut. You don't deserve this. You have no fucking clue how you've lasted this long. When it comes to getting shit done, you've been supportive at best, and a liability at worst. All you do is worry those who are unfortunate enough to give a fuck about you. You really do believe you should have been killed on that fateful day. Maybe the continuous reminders in the form of graphic nightmares are your punishment for continuing to exist.
"yo," Dave says as he secures the gauze onto your skin. "whats goin on. youve got the trademark vantas overthinkin look on your face right now"
"WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT LOOK LIKE. PLEASE, DAVE, ENLIGHTEN ME."
"you look physically and emotionally constipated dude. at this rate im concerned youre gonna shit your pants"
"HM, I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FUCKASS NIGHTMARE I WOKE UP FROM! JUST SOME SPECULATION ON MY PART, I KNOW IT'S A STRETCH."
"damn okay, im just tryna keep you in the present and stop you from tweakin out too much. we both know you have a tendency to spiral real fuckin hard into catastrophe city, population you."
Dave finishes taping the gauze down and snips the last piece of tape.
"youre always delvin way too deep into that self critical bs. extensively analyzing your own inner dialogue like an exhausted grad student trying to write a goddamn thesis defense on that shit. unfortunately for you the thesis in question is buns. sorry bro but youre not convincing your academic audience with this one. the audience in question being me btw"
"WHAT THE BULGESHITTING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT."
"dont worry about it"
Dave places the remaining medical supplies back in the first aid kit and snaps it shut.
"its pretty late, i dunno how youre feelin about trying to fall asleep again but i kinda wanna move to the bed"
You stand up, putting the stool back in the corner of the bathroom. Your neck feels better, covered up and taken care of. You're once again reminded of how undeservedly lucky you are.
"I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN TONIGHT, BUT I'M FINE JUST LYING IN BED. I'LL FIND SOME WAY TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF WHILE YOU SLEEP."
"will you now?" Dave waggles his eyebrows.
"AGAIN, NOT WHAT I MEANT. GOD, YOU'RE SHAMELESS."
"only for you," he pulls down his shades and winks.
It's so corny, but your face flushes anyway.
"WHATEVER," you complain, shoving him lightly in the shoulder. He lets out a chuckle at that.
A beat of silence passes between the two of you.
"...THANK YOU," you mumble.
Dave's face relaxes into a genuine smile. You remember when it was a rare occurrence to see. It's a good look on him.
"no problem," he says, just as softly.
You're both standing so close. It occurs to you that you'd really like a hug. You let your head drop onto his shoulder, and he pulls you close into his arms, planting a kiss in your hair.
The two of you stay like that for awhile, Dave rubbing circles in your back. You're feeling nice and relaxed, almost as if you could drift off to sleep again, but you're still not keen on the idea. Eventually, Dave pulls away and you almost whine at the loss of warmth. Thankfully you don't, you've embarrassed yourself enough for one night. He takes your hand in his, leading you out of the bathroom. You're feeling better enough to walk on your own, but you let yourself be guided by him anyway.
When you reach your room you collapse into the bed, distantly grateful that you were already in your sleepwear from your (aborted) couch movie night. You really do not feel like changing right now. You don't even remember what part of the movie you fell asleep at. Good thing you both have fuck all to do tomorrow, you'll make it up later.
Dave slides under the sheets beside you and takes off his shades. He shifts around to face you.
In the lowlight, a comfortable silence settles between you two. Your eyes trace over his features, savoring him. He seems to be doing the same. Your heart begins to race again, this time for better reasons. The small distance between the two of you suddenly feels electrifying.
You lean forward just a bit and he meets you halfway for a kiss. Your eyes flutter shut as you indulge in the soft feeling of his lips against yours. You scooch closer without breaking contact, wrapping your arm around his waist. He hums in appreciation as his hand comes up to cup your cheek once more. You think, not for the first time and certainly not the last, that you could do this forever.
You feel warm all over as his hand moves from your cheek to thread into your hair. You break the kiss briefly to breathe, and go right back in for more. You feel his tongue brush against your lip and you let him in, relishing the feeling of it sliding against your own. It's intoxicating. God, you love him.
Here, in his arms, you feel so cared for. It's almost enough to distract you from earlier. Almost.
Ironically, feeling so loved makes you feel so painfully guilty. You don't even have the solace of knowing your friends can continue existing in the dreambubbles anymore. They're gone for good. You feel like you should have taken some of their places, like Nepeta or Feferi. They were good people. They didn't deserve to go out the way they did.
You pull away and let out a shuddered breath. Dave's eyes flutter open, regarding your pinched expression.
"you okay?"
You sit in silence for a bit, contemplating what to say. Your shame sits like rocks in your gut. You duck your face under his chin, suddenly feeling too exposed.
"...I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE HERE."
You feel his arms wrap around you, pulling you in tight.
"how do you mean," he mumbles into your hair.
You open your mouth to speak, hesitate, and close it again, feeling a lump in your throat. You're so tired of crying. You force it down and try again.
"I'M GENUINELY BAFFLED BY THE FACT THAT I'VE MADE IT THIS FAR. FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, I SHOULD BE DEAD. I DON'T KNOW WHY ANY OF THE GROTESQUE ELDRICH WRITHEBEASTS IN THE FURTHEST RING TOOK PITY ON ME. *ME*, OUT OF ALL PEOPLE! THERE WERE CERTAINLY OTHERS THAT WERE WAY MORE DESERVING OF LIFE THAN I WAS, AND THEY GOT HANDED A MOLDY GRUBLOAF WITH SHITSAUCE INSTEAD."
"THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE DESPITE IT ALL IS DUE TO SEVERAL IMPROBABLE FLUKES THAT JUST SO HAPPENED TO WORK OUT IN MY FAVOR. APPARENTLY THE ONLY REASON I WASN'T CULLED ON SIGHT AS A GRUB WAS DUE TO MY ANCESTOR'S INFLUENCE?? HIS FOLLOWERS ENSURED I HAD A LUSUS BECAUSE THEY WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT I WOULD CONTINUE HIS WORK. WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE. INSTEAD OF BEING A SAVIOR, I WAS AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN KILLING OFF OUR ENTIRE RACE."
You sigh, and a memory worms its way into your head.
"I REMEMBER, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHERE THE DRONES RAIDED MY HIVE. IT WASN'T AN UNCOMMON OCCURRENCE, BUT IT WAS THE CLOSEST CALL I HAD TO DATE. AND IT WAS FOR SUCH AN ASININE REASON! I WAS USING THE FUCKING LOAD GAPER WHEN MY LUSUS STARTED DOING HIS WARNING CHITTERS, TELLING ME TO HIDE. I SCRAMBLED OUT AS FAST AS I COULD AND THREW MYSELF INTO THE CRAWLSPACE, JUST AS THEY BUSTED DOWN MY DOOR. I WAS CONVINCED THEY SAW ME. I THOUGHT I WAS DONE FOR. NEEDLESS TO SAY, AT LEAST I HEARD MY LUSUS IN THE FIRST PLACE. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HUMILIATING IT WOULD'VE BEEN IF I WAS CULLED IN THE FUCKING ABLUTION BLOCK? EVEN FOR A PATHETIC ASSWAD LIKE MYSELF, THAT'S A NEW LOW."
"yknow back on earth, like, my old earth, there was this really famous dude who died of a heart attack on the toilet"
"WOW. I'M SURE THAT COMPLETELY OVERSHADOWED WHATEVER THE HELL HE DID WHILE HE WAS ALIVE. THAT'S MORTIFYING."
"well it was elvis presley and im just as surprised as you that more people dont know about that information"
"WAIT. LIKE, TROLL ELVIS PRESLEY??"
"oh my god you guys had an elvis too? is elvis like another trans universal constant being? oh please tell me troll elvis went out the same way as human elvis, that shit would be hilarious"
"NO, PUBLIC THRESHECUTION."
Dave pulls back to look at you, incredulous.
"wait are you serious? what the fuck why"
"HELL IF I KNOW. IT WAS KIND OF A REGULAR OCCURRENCE ON ALTERNIA. FOR ALL I KNOW THE CONDESCE JUST DIDN'T LIKE HIS MUSIC OR SOMETHING."
"man that is messed up"
He curls your head back under his chin and threads his fingers in your hair, dragging his nails rhythmically along your scalp. You feel a soft purr start to rumble in your throat.
"anyway sorry i kinda interrupted there, you can keep talking"
You nestle further into his neck, enjoying the vibrations of his voice as he speaks.
"IT'S FINE. YOUR TANGENT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF NICE. IT HELPS BREAK UP THE CONSTANT STREAM OF MISERY AND SELF LOATHING I'M FORCE-FEEDING YOU."
"so youre telling me i have free reign to ramble to my hearts content? i never thought id see the day"
"DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR THINKPAN. I SAID YOUR TANGENT. SINGULAR. WAS ACCEPTABLE."
"you have your interpretation i have mine"
"HOW IS IT AN INTERPRETATION ON MY END IF I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE STATEMENT??" you complain, biting back a smile.
Dave giggles at that, and it resonates within your bones. He kisses the top of your head.
"also, karkat. youre not force feeding me anything, i wanna listen to you"
You hum in response.
“THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A RARE EXCEPTION FROM MOST PEOPLE.”
“good”
You consider letting the conversation rest for now, you really are quite tired. But once again, when you consider sleep, your anxieties make themselves impossible to ignore. Ugh. You guess you'll continue.
"SO... MY UH. MY NIGHTMARE."
You feel Dave shift, seemingly more alert.
"yeah?"
"...DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON THE METEOR? BEFORE YOU SCRATCHED YOUR SESSION AND WE WERE STILL IN THE VEIL?"
He thinks for a moment.
"i know you guys did a really shitty job at trolling us"
"BESIDES THAT, ASSWIPE"
Another beat of silence.
"i know some shit went down. some of your friends died, i think? i dont know the details and i didnt really wanna pry before"
"I NEVER WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT. I HOPED THAT EVENTUALLY, IF ENOUGH TIME PASSED, I'D BE ABLE TO MOVE ON. KILLING WASN'T ANYTHING UNHEARD OF IN MY SOCIETY, IT WAS PRETTY NORMALIZED. IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER FUCKING SIDE EFFECT OF MY MUTATION THAT I CAN'T TOUGH IT OUT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE."
Dave is quiet for a bit.
"maybe... maybe that just means youre human? not in the literal sense, obviously. but in our culture flipping your lid and going on a murder spree is generally considered taboo. is it really so bad to mourn the people you lost?"
You hesitate.
"NO... NO, I DON'T THINK SO. ALTERNIA WAS EVIDENTLY PRETTY FUCKED UP. I'M HONESTLY SURPRISED WE EVEN MADE IT AS FAR AS WE DID AS A SPECIES WITHOUT SHIT GOING GLOBES UP. BUT IT'S HARD TO COMPARTMENTALIZE THAT ALONG WITH ALL MY ABNORMALITIES WHEN THE ONLY THING I EVER WANTED TO DO FOR THE FIRST HALF OF MY LIFE WAS FIT IN."
"WHEN I WAS A WRIGGLER, I HAD THIS STUPID DREAM THAT ONE DAY, I WOULD GROW UP TO BE A THRESHECUTIONER UNDER COMMAND OF THE EMPRESS. BUT I DON'T HAVE A FIGHTING BONE IN MY BODY. I'M MEDIOCRE AT BEST, I CERTAINLY WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN QUALIFIED ENOUGH TO MAKE THE CUT. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN FACTORING IN MY BLOOD COLOR. I WAS DELUSIONAL, AND I THINK SOME PART OF ME DEEP DOWN RECOGNIZED THAT I DIDN'T TRULY WANT THAT. I JUST WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY WHO WASN'T MYSELF."
Dave remains silent, but you feel his hand tighten in your hair protectively. It's weird, being loved so dearly by someone when you despise yourself. It almost makes you angry, but you push that feeling down. It's not Dave's fault you're the way you are.
You suppose it's time to stop beating around the bush and address the trunkbeast in the room. You steel yourself before you speak.
"THAT BEING SAID. BACK TO THE METEOR. AS I'M SURE YOU'RE WELL AWARE, MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING INSANE."
"no way really"
"SHUT UP. ANYWAY, TROLLS AREN'T REALLY THE MOST SOCIAL. WE USUALLY KEEP TO OURSELVES DUE TO EVERYONE'S VIOLENT TENDENCIES. SO TWELVE OF US BEING STUCK IN CLOSE QUARTERS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME WAS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER. THINGS WERE ALREADY TENSE, BUT SHIT STARTED GOING SOUTH REAL FAST WHEN ARADIABOT EXPLODED.
"wait aradiabot?"
"YEAH, LONG STORY THAT'S NOT SUPER RELEVANT. WE THOUGHT SHE WAS GONE FOREVER BUT I GUESS WHEN JACK NUKED THE SHIT OUT OF DERSE AND PROSPIT, ARADIA'S DREAM SELF WAS ABLE TO GOD TIER. OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T KNOW THIS AT THE TIME, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I? SHE WAS TECHNICALLY ALREADY DEAD BEFORE THE GAME EVEN STARTED. SHE ENTERED AS A ROBOT. HERS WAS A WEIRD CASE."
"AFTER THAT, I ELECTED TO STAY IN THE COMPUTER LAB TO TRY AND KEEP EVERYONE TOGETHER AND UNDER CONTROL. KANAYA WAS PLANNING TO HATCH THE MATRIORB IN THE CORE OF THE METEOR IN A LAST DITCH ATTEMPT TO REVIVE OUR RACE, AND I GAVE HER PERMISSION TO GO. BUT RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE, IN COMES THE MOST PRETENTIOUS CROCHSTAIN KNOWN TO MAN, ERIDAN."
"is he the one with the weird hipster glasses"
"YES, THAT CROTCHSTAIN."
"rose told me he tried flirting with her and she blew up his computer lmao"
"WAIT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DESERVED."
If there's one good thing in reliving this horrible sequence of events, it's that you at least get the objectively hilarious context of Eridan's computer explosion.
"MOVING ON. ERIDAN WALTZED OVER TO FEFERI AND SOLLUX AND DECLARED TO FEFERI THAT HE WAS GOING TO JOIN JACK NOIR, AND SHE SHOULD TEAM UP WITH HIM. OBVIOUSLY THEY CALLED HIM OUT ON HIS INSANE PLAN AND REFUSED. BUT THIS SHITSPONGE WAS ONE STUBBORN MOTHERFUCKER."
You hesitate, and try to keep your voice steady.
"SOLLUX SAID HE SHOULD HAVE KILLED ERIDAN WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE AND... IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. THOSE TWO GOT INTO IT, AND ERIDAN MANAGED TO BLIND AND KNOCK OUT SOLLUX. FEFERI, UNDERSTANDABLY FURIOUS, LUNGED AT ERIDAN, AND HE..."
The words catch in your throat.
"HE IMPALED HER. RIGHT THROUGH THE BLOOD PUSHER. SHE DIED INSTANTLY."
Dave's hand moves from your head to your back, rubbing circles into your spine. He's tense.
"you dont have to continue if its too much"
It occurs to you that you're offloading some seriously heavy shit onto Dave. He shouldn't have to be dealing with this. It's late as hell and he probably just wants to go to sleep, but you did a fine job at squandering that for him with your trauma dumping session. Fuck, you're a terrible boyfriend.
"ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY SAKE OR FOR YOURS?"
"what- for yours, obviously? youre worried about me right now?"
"UH, YEAH? I KNOW YOU AGREED TO LISTEN TO ME AND ALL BUT YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO. I SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED RECOUNTING THE WHOLE GODDAMN STORY, YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH OF YOUR OWN SHIT ON YOUR PLATE WITHOUT ME PILING ON AND-"
"im gonna stop you right there."
He shifts his head back to look at you in the eyes. Even in your emotional mess you can't help but admire the beauty of his candy red irises. The contrast is so stark against his face, even in the dark. It cuts right through into your soul.
"im not gonna lie and say this is a walk in the park to listen to, but i dont think you understand why from my perspective. its not easy to hear about anyone getting brutally fuckin murdered, but whats at the forefront of my mind is that youve been dealing with this alone. youve supported me through all my shit so i dont know where youre getting the idea that i shouldnt return the favor. and it isnt out of some sort of obligation, like 'oh you did this for me so here you go, wham bam thank you maam, deal effectively sealed.' i want to be there for you because i love you and i care about you. youre one of the most important people in all of paradox space to me, and if i can at least alleviate some of your stress then god damn sign me up. i can handle a bit of discomfort, i aint no bitch."
Oh God dammit, you're getting choked up again. Instead of speaking, you decide to kiss him.
You grab his face and lean in swiftly. He squeaks, caught off guard, and it makes your heart flutter. He quickly regains his composure and melts into the kiss, moving in sync with you. Each time your lips meet, it feels like it breathes life back into you. It makes you feel real again. Reminds you that you're here, and you're safe. It gives you the courage to continue.
You pull apart just barely enough to speak, foreheads touching and lips still brushing against his.
"THANK YOU," you breathe softly into his mouth, so quiet you're not sure if he can hear.
He presses a gentle kiss to your lips once more.
"anytime"
You feel it more than you can hear it. It's so intimate. Whispered only for you.
Suddenly feeling a bit shy, you duck your head once more beneath his chin. You slot there perfectly.
"I THINK... I'M READY TO CONTINUE, IF ONLY TO WRAP THIS UP. IT'S LATE."
Dave smiles into your hair.
"im all ears"
You prepare to speak, but falter.
"YOU'LL TELL ME IF IT'S TOO MUCH, RIGHT? YOU PROMISE?"
"im sure ill be fine, yknow, with me being a hella op god of time and all, but ill let you know. promise"
You roll your eyes even though he can't see.
"OKAY. OKAY. UH, YEAH. SO, UM, KANAYA SAW ALL THAT SHIT GO DOWN, AND SHE WAS PREPARING TO INTERVENE. BUT ERIDAN SPOTTED THE MATRIORB AND EXPLODED IT WITH HIS SHITTY 'SCIENCE WAND'. HOW IRONIC IS IT THAT THE PRINCE OF FUCKING HOPE DESTROYED ONE OF OUR ONLY HOPES FOR CONTINUING OUR SPECIES?"
"something something classpecting, probably. i dunno. thats roses jurisdiction"
"WHATEVER. FUCK THAT GUY."
"douche of the goddamn century, and thats a massive fuckin understatement. idk if id be able to come up with a metaphor convoluted enough to properly represent his douchebaggery, and i wont. cuz its like three a.m. and i should quit my yammering and let you finish"
"WOW, I THINK THAT'S THE MOST CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'VE EVER SEEN FROM YOU, DAVE. COLOR ME IMPRESSED."
He baps you on the head with his free hand.
"fuck off and keep talking"
"FINE, OKAY. WELL, AFTER HE FUCKING OBLITERATED THE ONLY THING CAPABLE OF REVIVING OUR SPECIES, KANAYA LOST IT. SHE PULLED OUT HER CHAINSAW AND LUNGED AT HIM, BUT HE IMPALED HER TOO, RIGHT THROUGH THE GUT. THANKFULLY THOUGH, SHE'S A JADEBLOOD. HER CASTE ALLOWS HER TO BECOME A RAINBOW DRINKER BY CONSUMING OTHER TROLLS' BLOOD. SHE WAS ABLE TO UNDERGO HER TRANSFORMATION AND KEEP LIVING, BUT FOR A GOOD WHILE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONE FOREVER TOO. ERIDAN ABSCONDED, SOMEHOW MISSING ME WHILE I WAS IN THE CORNER, FROZEN LIKE A GODDAMN COWARD."
"ONCE HE WAS GONE, I RAN OVER AND CHECKED ON EVERYONE, SURVEYING THE SITUATION. I THEN SAW THAT GAMZEE WAS REACHING OUT TO ME, AFTER ESSENTIALLY HAVING DISAPPEARED FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG. I WAS SO RELIEVED AT FIRST, AND TOLD HIM THAT SHIT HIT THE WHIRLING DEVICE AND TO GET HIS ASS BACK HERE. LITTLE DID I KNOW, HE APPARENTLY ALSO FLIPPED HIS LID!!! HE STARTED SAYING THINGS ABOUT HOW THE SOPOR SLIME WAS POISONING HIS MIND, AND THAT HE WAS FINALLY RISING UP TO HIS CALLING AS A DESCENDANT OF THE HIGH SUBJUGGULATORS."
You grit your teeth as you continue.
"HE THEN SAID... THAT HE WAS GOING TO KILL ALL OF US. EVERY LAST ONE. I WAS- I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED. TEREZI, NEPETA, EQUIUS, TAVROS, AND VRISKA WERE ALL STILL NOWHERE TO BE SEEN, AND I WAS ALL ALONE. I FELT LIKE A SITTING QUACKBEAST. COME TO FIND OUT LATER THAT VRISKA RAN TAVROS THROUGH WITH HIS OWN LANCE, EQUIUS WAS STRANGLED BY GAMZEE WITH THE STRING FROM HIS BOW, AND THAT NEPETA WAS- NEPETA WAS CLUBBED TO DEATH, ALSO COURTESY OF GAMZEE. AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO..."
You feel hot tears spill from your eyes and you grip onto Dave's shirt.
"I SURVIVED BY BEING A COWARD. THE ONLY GOOD THING I DID WAS DRAG SOLLUX'S UNCONSCIOUS BODY TO SAFETY, AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO A GOOD FUCKING JOB AT THAT! I ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HIM DOWN THE STAIRS AND KNOCKED HIS GODDAMN TEETH OUT."
"AND THEN... WHEN THE SURVIVORS FINALLY RECONVENED ON THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING, GAMZEE SHOWED UP. HE WAS GOING TO TRY AND FACE OFF WITH ME, KANAYA, TEREZI, AND SOLLUX. I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE ANYONE ELSE, SO IN THAT MOMENT, I ATTEMPTED TO PACIFY HIM. I SHOOSH PAPPED HIM OFF THE METAPHORICAL EDGE OF THE CLIFF, AND… AND WE BECAME MOIRAILS."
You feel sick as you say it, in a uniquely unsettling way.
Dave is silent, but you notice his iron grip on your sleeve. Shit, is he mad at you?
"...DAVE?"
He draws in a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"youre telling me thats how you got into diamonds with that dude? thats how it went down?"
You sniffle and clear your throat, more confused now than anything.
"I GUESS? DAVE, DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG? YOU PROMISED YOU'D TELL ME IF IT WAS TOO MUCH."
"no, dude, fuck. dont worry, i just..." he trails off.
You're getting anxious. He tries again.
"it really seems like you were, uh. coerced into that relationship"
You blink. Huh. You never really thought about it like that.
"like, sure, i know the whole thing with moirails or whatever is that its the bestie quadrant where you keep each other in check, i think. which, obviously you did well enough. but were you actually feelin that way about him already or was it really just a spur of the moment thing? like fuck or die, pale edition, idk. you seemed pretty fuckin terrified of him so"
You turn the thought over in your head. This conversation really took a weird turn.
"I'M... NOT SURE. I THINK IT WAS JUST SOMETHING I KNEW I WAS CAPABLE OF DOING, SO THEREFORE I HAD TO DO IT. I WASN'T REALLY TAKING MY OWN FEELINGS ON THE MATTER INTO ACCOUNT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO RISK EVEN MORE OF MY FRIENDS DYING. I WASN'T GONNA SIT THERE AND DISSECT MY ROMANTIC INCLINATIONS WHILE THE TICKING TIME BOMB THAT IS GAMZEE MAKARA WAS RIGHT THERE, READY TO STRIKE. IT FELT AS IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE PRESENT WHO KNEW HOW TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I WANTED TO OR NOT."
"..."
Why the fuck is he silent? Is he jealous or something? No, that doesn’t seem right. You don’t really know what to do so you continue rambling.
"UH. IT'S NOT LIKE IT EVEN MATTERED ANYWAYS? HE WAS INATTENTIVE AS SHIT AND DIDN'T HOLD UP HIS END OF THE RELATIONSHIP. I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM, SURE, BUT THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I REALLY COULD HAVE USED SOME FUCKING SUPPORT FROM HIM. HE CLEARLY STOPPED GIVING A FUCK ABOUT ME. AND HONESTLY? IT WAS KIND OF A RELIEF WHEN HE FINALLY CUT THAT SHIT OFF, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I WAS GETTING BULGE DEEP INTO PALE TERRITORY WITH YOU BEFORE I EVEN REALIZED WHAT WAS HAPPENING."
"hm"
...What?
"HM? IS THAT SERIOUSLY IT?"
You lift your head up to get a look at Dave, incredulous. It immediately dissipates when you're met with his clenched jaw and furrowed brows, eyes alight with a deep, festering rage. Oh.
"all im gonna say" he starts, speaking slowly to keep his voice under control, "is that shitstain is so fucking lucky hes gone. or that i didnt know about any of this when it was happening. if by some cosmic goddamn sequence of events he somehow has the misfortune of crossing paths with me again, im locking his sorry ass in a miserably torturous fucking timeloop and not letting him go."
You stare at him, slack-jawed.
“UH. WOW. I MEAN YEAH, I AGREE, BUT...”
He holds your gaze.
“I’VE HARDLY EVER SEEN YOU SO INTENSE, I GUESS?”
"i already didnt like him for several reasons. guess my inclinations were right"
You weren't expecting Dave to react so strongly to that particular aspect of your past. Although, reiterating it out loud and having him grill you on it is making you reevaluate your short moirallegience with Gamzee. Obviously it sucked, you're not delusional. But it's not common to be that scared shitless of your moirail while also feeling like you need them. It was kind of like your longing was motivated by the fear. That as long as you two were together, you could ensure your and your friends' safety. Even if you had to walk on eggshells around him, even if the sight of him made your blood run cold, you needed him because he needed you. Or so you thought.
When he broke things off with you, it was simultaneously relieving and terrifying. If he happened to go off the deep end again, you would no longer be able to resort to placation. You know what he did to your friends, who were much more capable at defending themselves. It's not out of the question that he could finish you off if he so desired.
The phantom pains of the sickle against your neck come back in full force. Your skin tingles uncomfortably, anticipating an attack you know will never come. You bring your hand up to the bandages, rubbing hard enough to dissipate the feeling and trying to focus on the raw, burning pain that comes with more surface level wounds.
A gentle but steady hand on your wrist halts the movement, similar to before.
"you okay? i didnt mean to make you freak out or anything. m'sorry for pushing"
His voice is once again softer, thinly veiled anger subsiding into concern. You shift your wrist, still being held in his hand, to intertwine your fingers with his.
"...HE KILLED ME. IN MY NIGHTMARE. I WAS ALONE, SURROUNDED BY THE CORPSES OF MY FRIENDS, AND HE CAME UP FROM BEHIND ME AND KILLED ME. FORCED MY HEAD BACK AND SLIT MY THROAT WITH MY OWN SICKLE."
You feel defeated. You don't want to think anymore, you're just too worn out.
"oh... oh, karkat..."
He shifts, rolling onto his back and guiding you along with him. Pressed against his side, you situate your head to rest against his chest as he wraps an arm behind you. His heart thumps steadily in your ear.
"I SHOULD HAVE DIED THAT DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT TO SURVIVE BUT SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS DIDN'T. I WAS PRETTY DAMN CLOSE WITH GAMZEE. IF I'D JUST KEPT BETTER TABS ON HIM, MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE LOST IT. IF HE DID, MAYBE HE COULD'VE JUST TAKEN IT OUT ON ME. HELL, SAME GOES FOR ERIDAN! I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING, *ANYTHING* OTHER THAN STAND THERE LIKE A USELESS FUCKING TOOL."
You feel Dave take in a shaky breath.
"im glad you didnt die" he says in a small voice.
You don't really have anything to say to that. You just feel shittier for putting this on him.
He's quiet for a minute before he speaks again.
"i think... youre one of the only people i know who could somehow spin the blame on themselves after surviving not one, but two murder hungry maniacs. you didnt kill your friends. that blood isnt on your hands."
"YEAH, I KNOW, BUT STILL."
"still what"
"I COULD HAVE MADE IT SO THERE WAS LESS BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS."
"okay, one: how do you know you didnt already do everything you could. you literally said so yourself earlier, you did an acrobatic fucking pirouette into toxic diamonds with gamzee to prevent any more harm to your friends. and two: would you be holding, like, kanaya or terezi to the same standards youre setting for yourself? they went through the same shit as you but i know you would never blame them the way you blame yourself"
"WELL, KANAYA GOT SHOT THROUGH THE GODDAMN STOMACH. I DIDN'T."
"what about terezi"
"I..."
Well shit, he's got you there.
"you see what im saying now"
"FUCK, I GUESS. BUT IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE THE FEELING GO AWAY. I KNOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP, I'M SORRY YOU'RE STUCK ESSENTIALLY TALKING TO A BRICK WALL."
"you dont have to apologize dude. im not expecting you to suddenly feel absolved of guilt just from me saying a few things in one night. i dont think thats how these things work."
"I REALLY, REALLY FUCKING WISH THEY DID."
"amen to that"
You let out a yawn. Dave follows suit.
"well navigate this together. in my experience the feelings dont ever fully go away, but they at least become more manageable"
"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS FOR ME."
Dave rubs his eye with his free hand.
"bro will you let me just take care of you for once," he says, exasperated. "contrary to popular belief i actually want to be there for you. yknow. cause im your fucking boyfriend?"
"...FINE."
"if you fight me on this again im stealing all the covers and keeping them for myself"
"I LITERALLY SAID FINE!"
"just making sure"
You shift against him, trying to get impossibly closer. You settle for throwing your arm and your leg over his torso. He briefly squeezes you into his side in response.
"I'M STILL NERVOUS ABOUT TRYING TO SLEEP AGAIN," you say through another yawn. "I'M SO FUCKING TIRED THOUGH. MY EYES HURT."
Dave already seems like he's drifting off.
" 's fine. you can wake me up," he yawns, "if y’need"
You feel your own eyelids slipping shut, and nod slightly in acknowledgement. He's warm and he smells nice. It's comforting. You let yourself be held as you're rocked to sleep by the gentle rise and fall of his chest.
For the first time in your life, you feel slightly less guilty about being loved.