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Being Captain America had its upsides and downsides. Although so far Sam had mostly only experienced the downsides.
He thought maybe being invited to fancy parties was an upside, but even that dimmed when he didn't have anyone to bring with him.
Joaquín was still recovering from his fall into the ocean, even if he refused to acknowledge that he still wasn't all good. With him out of the option Sam had to start wondering who else he could bring as his plus one, because unfortunately he was Captain America and he couldn't just say “No, I actually won't go to your gala, Mr. Congressman” even if he wanted to. He wondered who else of the old Avengers would even be available, because whatever small team he had pulled together for this new Avengers that he'd been asked to create were not an option as of now. He didn't need the people knowing he was searching for Avengers until he had an actual team he could showcase to the public, not just some people here and there.
He thought to maybe ask Scott, but he was in San Francisco and couldn't just hop on over to New York for this. So then he thought he could ask Clint. He was closer, but the guy said he had a family emergency going on and denied the invitation too. What he did do though was give Sam the number of a girl he claimed would more than love to go to a gala with Captain America. With no better ideas Sam reluctantly accepted the number, half expecting for Clint to have been trying to get him a date, so he was quite surprised when a young girl's voice greeted him on the other end of the line.
“Kate Bishop, Hawkeye,” she introduced herself when Sam questioned whose number Clint even gave to him. Part of a hero group on the West Coast, but she was actually in New York as of right now.
Sam, just for a second thought about calling a number he'd been avoiding for months and months now, but he couldn't. With literally no one else to call and not wanting to be alone he took Hawkeye 2.0 with him to the gala. At least he wouldn't be bored. Not with how much this girl seemed to talk.
“So you know my teammates did send me here with a couple of things I have to ask you, Mr. Wilson, if you don't mind,” Kate chattered as they walked through the crowded halls of the mansion that held the Congressman's party. Some fundraiser, by the way. Every other second someone recognized Sam, shook his hand, talked to him for a couple sentences before going on with their day. Sam was still wondering when the upsides of being Captain America were gonna show themselves.
“For instance we call — or at least want to — call ourselves the ‘Young Avengers’ or maybe the ‘West Coast Avengers’, although that would tie us to a place a bit. But we also have some name options that don't have ‘Avengers’ in it in case it raises some copyright issues. Does it? Because I assume it can't really with the New Avengers now forming, but I still wanted to check with you just in case. I mean you are Captain America after all.”
Sam heard what she said and even intended to reply, but something else caught his attention. Somewhere in the hall of dancing and talking people he heard a familiar voice and saw the familiar face that went along with it.
-÷–÷-
“I can't believe Valentina keeps sending us to these events,” John whined for not the first time today.
The New Avengers (minus Alexi, he was forbidden from going to events after the last time he went to one and caused an absolute PR nightmare for Valentina with his takes on the Soviet Union) were invited and then forcibly sent to the fundraising gala of one of the many congressmen in order to give the group some publicity, and maybe for once not bad of that.
“I'm not surprised. We're a PR nightmare,” Ava commented, looking at the crowd of people mingling before them.
“That is entirely on her, she made us into Avengers,” Bucky added. “She should've known our pasts would come to bite her in the ass.”
“Well if we're here I say we try to enjoy it, no?” Yelena asked, the only one sort of enjoying the evening ahead of them. “This time Dad isn't here for us to babysit. We can actually enjoy it.”
“I guess. Music's not that bad,” John said, nodding towards the people dancing in the hall to the classical music played by musicians standing up above the room on a gallery.
“Yeah. We can go dance. Not with you though,” Yelena said to John and turned on her heels. “Ava c'mon. We're going dancing,” she grabbed Ava's hand and pulled her away in the direction of the music.
“Oh, okay, I guess we are…” Ava shrugged and looked back at the men left standing alone.
“What d'you say we try to find some alcohol?” John turned to Bucky.
“We can't get drunk, John,” he replied like it was the saddest thing in the world.
“There has to be something that at least gets us close.”
“We can always hope.”
With that they made their way over to one of the many side rooms where a bar had been set up.
All the while Yelena and Ava did their best at dancing, the latter not having much luck with it, never have been taught to dance, being raised in a SHIELD facility and all. That didn't stop Yelena from trying, of course.
“No, I swear you're doing good,” she said laughing.
“If I were you wouldn't be laughing.”
“I'm not laughing at you, do not worry,” she said, as her eyes caught a familiar dark head of hair in the corner of the room. “Oh my god!” she stopped dancing. “Kate Bishop!”
Kate had been standing next the one of the pillars, but now she turned her attention at Yelena who made her way towards the other, with Ava following closely behind her.
“Yelena!” she smiled. “Wow. Haven't seen you since the time you tried to kill me.”
“That is not true, Kate Bishop, we've talked plenty,” Yelena said, mock offended.
“Right, talked. But I'm not sure that randomly texting me every couple of months counts as seeing each other.”
“Well it's not my fault you've been on the West Coast with your new pals.”
Ava cleared her throat loudly behind the two of them. “Yelena?”
“Right right. Kate Bishop, this is Ava Starr. Ava this is Kate Bishop,” she introduced them.
“Younger Hawkeye, right?” Ava asked, faintly remembering Yelena telling her about some job she did one Christmas.
“Just Hawkeye actually. Clint and I agreed to share the name,” Kate replied giddyly.
“Where are they?” John's voice rang through the room. “Oh, there!”
Bucky and John arrived next to them, with drinks in their hands, each of them holding multiple drinks.
“Ladies,” John said as he held one of the drinks towards Ava.
“Oh thank you for being useful for once, Walker,” she took the cup from him.
“Why do I even bother?” John muttered.
“Thank you Barnes,” Yelena said once Bucky handed her a drink too. After taking a sip she nodded at Kate. “Oh and this is my friend, Kate Bishop. Kate, these are the rest of our pathetic group.”
“Yes, I know who they are,” she said, the smile growing bigger and bigger on her face with each new hero she met. “Not that I think you're pathetic. Not at all. Obviously. Hi, I'm Kate. Or- or Hawkeye,” she rambled.
“Oh, you're Barton's little protégé,” Bucky smiled at her with his now (sort of) media trained smile.
“Yeah, that is me.”
“What brings you here, by the way?”
“Oh! Right. I'm actually here with Captain America. Isn't that so cool?” Kate gushed. “Oh, well I guess you've been the friend of both Captain Americas, so it's not that cool for you,” she turned to Bucky.
“Both?” John started despite no one talking to him. “Actually I was also–”
“Sam's here?” Bucky cut him off.
“Oh yeah. He's just over– huh,” Kate looked behind herself where she could've sworn Sam was still standing just minutes ago. “Well he was just over there. I'm not sure where he went.”
Without another word Bucky shoved his drink into John's hand and started his way through the crowd, determined to find Sam. The asshole had been ignoring his texts and calls for half a year now and Bucky didn't want to just show up at his house, but there was no way Sam could escape talking to him here. Sure, the mansion was gigantic, but Bucky was a trained spy and assassin. He was going to find Sam and he was going to talk to him, whether the other wanted to or not.
After walking through all of the rooms filled with people, Bucky made his way up to the second floor, searching the mostly empty sitting rooms and bedrooms for Sam. He almost decided to go back down, see if he had missed Sam in the sea of people downstairs or if maybe he had returned to the person he came here with, when he passed yet another one of the many bedrooms, except with all the other ones the doors were either wide open and had people chatting inside or were closed, because no one was in there. This one had the door just slightly open. Like someone went inside and wanted to be there alone, but didn't manage to close the door fully in their hurry.
And as far as Bucky assumed the only person at this galla that would be trying to disappear in a hurry was Sam.
He pushed open the door and sure enough Sam was standing at the far back of the room, leaning out the window, staring out into the garden.
“Interesting that it has to be dumb luck that we talk again,” Bucky announced himself when he stepped inside, closing the door properly behind him.
Sam didn't say anything, didn't even look back.
Bucky walked over to another window, next to the one Sam was leaning out of.
“You can't avoid talking to me forever, Wilson,” he said, opening up the window and leaning on the sill. “Why have you been ignoring me, Sam?” he asked tiredly. He knew whenever they would have this conversation it wouldn't be easy, but he expected Sam to at least say something. “How's Little Falcon doing?” he decided to ask, hoping at least that'd get some sort of a response.
“He's doing better,” Sam said quietly.
“So you can talk.”
“Of course I can, Bucky. I just don't know what to say.”
You could answer my questions, for one, Bucky thought, but out loud just said, “Just say something. Or tell me why you haven't said anything.”
“After what you told me, there in the hospital I didn't know what to do,” Sam finally said.
“After what I told you,” Bucky wasn't asking, he just repeated. He knew it was a big thing to say, right at that moment, but it slipped out. It was the truth anyway, he'd known that for long. He just didn't think it would ruin everything. Or even in the scenarios where it went horribly it wasn't quiet that answered his words, but anger, disappointment, disgust, sometimes just pity. Never silence like it happened when he actually said it.
“You said you loved me,” Sam said like it was impossible to believe. “And then you left. What was I supposed to do with that?”
“Talk to me?” Sam didn't have to feel the same way. Bucky had made peace with that around the same time he made peace with the fact that he loved Sam. He didn't need to say it back. He was just supposed to say something, anything. “Talk to me once everything quieted down? Answer a single one of my calls or texts? I don't think ignoring me for half a year was the best thing to do.”
“And I wanted to, Buck, I really did, but…”
“But what, Sam?”
“I got scared. You said it so casually and I didn't know... I didn't know if you meant it like that or if it was just a friendly thing.”
“I'm from the forties, Sam, do you think men said 'I love you' to their friends, just casually back then? Of course I meant it like it sounds.”
“Then why did you go?”
“Had a plane to catch and it's not like you said anything anyway.
“I was scared, Buck. For Joaquin, for everything. And then you show up, give me a speech. It... I didn't know how to process all that. Bucky, I… I feel the same. The same way about you, but I never thought that you would… When you actually said it I didn't know what to do.”
Sam felt the same. He did. The two of them together wasn't just an unimaginable idea in Bucky's head. It could've been real. It could've been real, but Sam got scared. Scared of his own feelings. So he ignored Bucky. Made him think he didn't feel the same. Let him believe that for half a year instead of just talking to him.
“I could've helped you.” He really could've. “You've helped me plenty before, it's only natural it goes the other way around.”
“Once Joaquin got better I wanted to call you. But then... Then I saw you up on the TV, announcing 'The New Avengers'. I told you Ross asked me to restart the Avengers and yet you created your own team!”
“I know he asked you to do that, Sam. And,” Even though Sam's Avenger team was nowhere in sight despite his talk with Ross being six months ago, “I didn't want to take that from you. Why would I? From what viewpoint do you think I wanted this? Any of this?” Was this why Sam hadn't called even now? He thought Bucky wanted this? That he wanted to be an Avenger? Like, once again for the thousandth time in life, his choice wasn't taken away from him?
“You sure as hell seem comfortable doing 'this'.”
Maybe it was better that there was a wall between them and they could only see so much of each other. Maybe it was better that Sam couldn't see Bucky get angry. He'd been abandoned for half a year, because Sam couldn't deal with his own feelings and because he assumed that Bucky wanted this.
“Yeah, I am ‘comfortable’ with keeping a leash on Valentina and making sure she doesn't do any further human experiments, that she doesn't hurt anyone else. Which is what I'm doing, by the way.”
Sam stayed quiet for a minute. “I didn't kno–”
“Of course you didn't know,” Bucky didn't let him finish. “You saw me on the news and decided for yourself why I must be doing what I'm doing, right?” He pushed himself away from the window. “You know I really needed someone to talk to after that. I needed to talk to you.”
“Bucky…” Sam turned away from the garden too.
They finally stood face to face for the first time since the hospital, but instead of the warm feelings hanging between them it was the cold ones. The hurt.
“No, but this should be on me, right?” Bucky hated how hurt his own voice sounded. He wasn't supposed to sound like that. He was supposed to be strong. “The last time I loved someone they abandoned me. Why did I think it would be different this time?” he said quietly.
After that he left the room. He was two more words away from crying and he didn't want to do that. Not in front of Sam. Not now. Not ever again. It would've been better if he didn't go looking for him. If he had just stayed put thinking that Sam ignored him because he didn't feel the same way. Knowing that wasn't true, that the opposite of that was the truth hurt more. He could see what could've been dangling above him, just out of his reach. What almost could've been.
But he didn't get that. He didn't deserve that. Steve left him, even when he claimed he would be with him till the end of the line. Maybe the line had come to an end for him and Sam too. Maybe it ended six months ago when Bucky said those three cursed words. Maybe those same words were what sent Steve running back to the past. Maybe that was just what he deserved. Everyone running away from him sooner or later. The New Avengers or the Thunderbolts or whatever they called themselves would run one day too. Maybe that day was closer than he knew.
He went back down into the main hall, but instead of searching for his teammates he made a beeline to the table stacked with foods made for people the size of a toddler. The miniature food wasn't what brought him there anyway, rather the bottle of whiskey someone abandoned between the plates. To hell with Valentina and her PR problems, he was legally speaking 110 years old and no one could stop him from drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle.
He spent a good ten minutes wallowing in the corner before he heard Yelena's voice as she (the Thunderbolts and Kate following behind her) emerged from the sea of people.
“There you are! We've been looking for you,” she said once the little group reached him.
“They were looking for you,” John had to unhelpfully add as he turned to the table of food. But Bucky didn't mind. At least the fact that John was an asshole was a consistent thing he could rely on.
“Shut up, Walker,” Ava said for at least the tenth time since they stepped inside the mansion.
“What happened?” Why did Yelena care so much? Why couldn't they leave him alone?
“I found Sam,” Bucky took a swig of the bottle. “Talked to him.”
“And?”
“It went poorly,” he shrugged, raising the bottle again.
“I should... I should probably go find Sam,” Kate said quietly, but Bucky heard it, super serum and all. “And leave you guys alone. This seems like some team situation that I have no business interfering with and–”
“Kate Bishop.”
“And I'm already talking too much. Okay. Bye,” she waved a little and disappeared from sight.
“So what happened? You guys break up?” John asked over his plate now full of the tiny foods.
“John.” The ‘shut up’ wasn't even there anymore, Ava just stared.
“What?” John muttered, but didn't continue.
“He said he got scared when I told him I love him,” Bucky laughed into the bottle. “Said that's why he didn't reply to me. For six months. I just can't deal with that. Can't get attached to someone only for them to abandon…” His voice died down.
Over his head Yelena, Ava and even John shared a look.
“Hey, if Sam Wilson wants to play a middle schooler who can't handle his feelings then that is on him,” Yelena took the battle out of his hand. “You don't need to mope about it. You did what you could, right? Just try to enjoy the party, hm?”
“I don't think I'm in the mood for a party,” Bucky tried to take back his well deserved alcohol that had no actual effect on him, but he still liked to pretend it did sometimes.
“That's too bad, because you're coming with me,” Yelena passed the bottle to Ava and then pulled Bucky away from the table like it was nothing.
“To where?”
“To the dance floor? You keep saying people don't dance normally anymore, not like they did in your time, but listen,” she motioned loosely at the musicians up the gallery. “Old people music, old people dance. C'mon. Show me what it is that you keep saying you miss.” Not taking no for an answer Bucky was dragged away into the crowd of people pretending they knew how to dance to forties music.
Ava looked after her two teammates in the crowd, then over at John who was busy filling his stupid face with food.
“Come on big guy,” she patted him in the chest. “We're dancing too.”
“What?” John asked with his mouth full.
“Yelena isn't going to be enough emotional support alone,” Ava held out her hand, waiting.
“I don't think I'm the best candidate for cheering Bucky up,” John said, but still placed his plate down.
“Yeah, well neither am I, nor is Yelena, but we don't have Bob here, so we'll just have to do the best we can, right?”
“Right.” John slowly took Ava's hand and let her maneuver them through the crowd to find where Yelena had taken Bucky.
-÷–÷-
Bucky had left Sam alone in the dark room, but he didn't want to stay there. He wanted to be back in the crowd and the noise so it could maybe drown out everything else in his head.
He messed up. He knew that. He knew he should've called Bucky. But to be entirely fair he had chosen a horrible time to say ‘I love you’.
Joaquín had fallen from the sky. He was in surgery and almost died. Sam's head was already flashing him with memories mixed between seeing Joaquín fall now and seeing Riley falling years and years ago. He couldn't catch either of them. He was up in the air, wings on his back both times, but he didn't catch them. Riley died and Joaquín might've been dying too. And then Bucky showed up, gave him support. Talked to him. For just a minute Sam believed things could actually turn out good. Or at least okay. And then Bucky had to do it. His mind was already forgetting whether he saw Joaquín or Riley fall and then Bucky had to go, look him in the eye and say I love you.
Bucky said he didn't reply with anything and that must've been true because Sam wasn't in the hospital room after Bucky said that, no. The fall of his friend and Bucky's words morphed into one and he was back in the past, flying with Riley by his side. Then he saw the RPG fly and saw Riley fall. He saw this scene play out many many times before, but this time it hurt more. Because Bucky said that and now Sam could worry about yet another fall. Someone else he loved falling. Bucky, the man who had jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, because he felt like it. What was the guarantee that he wouldn't fall? Joaquín did, Riley did, so it only made sense Bucky would too.
By the time he was back in the room it was empty. Bucky was gone and Sam was alone. He didn't have time to think about Bucky after that for a while, not until everything with Ross calmed down, but even after that his brain just came up with one thing: If you love Bucky then he will fall.
He didn't want that. He wouldn't let that happen. So instead he disappeared. Didn't call Bucky, didn't text him and didn't respond to him. This way he couldn't lose him, not like the last person he loved.
When he saw that Bucky was in a newly formed Avengers team he was honestly glad. It finally gave him a reason to stay away from him. To be mad at him. Something that he could blame for the unanswered texts and calls. Until today, when it all came crashing down. His one reason that wasn't his own self-sabotage disappeared in minutes. Bucky didn't want to be an Avenger. He did it to protect people, not because he wanted to. Because this was Bucky and he did what he didn't want to to protect people. Because even when he couldn't see it he was a good person.
A good person that Sam abandoned. He abandoned him the same way Steve did. Maybe it was the shield? Maybe whoever held the shield was cursed to grow attached to Bucky and then abandon him. He had to wonder if Steve felt this same guilt. He spent years trying to find Bucky and yet in the end he left him. He left all of them.
And now after this conversation maybe he left Bucky for good too.
Sam settled at the railing of the gallery, looking down into the hall of people.
“Heyyy, Sam,” Kate appeared next to him after a while of standing and staring into nothing. “Heard you talked to Bucky…” she said slowly.
“Yeah,” Sam said simply. Then he noticed that down at the edge of the crowd there was Bucky. Bucky and his team, talking.
“Do you maybe wanna talk about it?”
“There isn't much to talk about, kid,” Sam smiled painfully, not taking his eyes off the group of people dowstairs. “I fucked up. I wasn't there for him and now I'm not even sure he needs me. Look at that. He has a team. A whole team that supports him. Fucking John Walker is down there, trying to cheer him up cause I didn't have the balls to just talk to him.”
Kate didn't say anything and Sam wasn't surprised. The poor girl came here so she could talk to Sam about her superhero team down in California or wherever and instead she got Captain America a minute away from crying about his love life.
Bucky and his blonde teammate, the one Kate had talked to, moved away from the wall and went into the crowd. They were dancing. Bucky was down there dancing to forties music with his teammate, while Sam stood up in the gallery, whining to a twenty-something year old girl. That's just perfect.
“Maybe even if I manage to apologize to him the right way I'm too late?” If he could even apologize. He'll if he could even just talk to Bucky ever again. He betrayed him. He did what Steve did. For the first time since he got the shield he felt like he reached the old Captain America.
Kate's eyes wandered through the people and landed where Sam was looking.
“I can't tell you if he'll forgive you, or if he still wants to be with you,” she said in a gentle voice, “but I can tell you that if it's Yelena you're worried about, then don't be. Just trust me on that, okay?”
It wasn't like Sam worried that Bucky would love someone else. He doubted that. He didn't know if Bucky still loved him, but he doubted he could love someone so easily. No he wasn't worried about that. He worried that this team would support him and be there for him more than Sam ever was or could.
He worried that Bucky would find that he never really needed Sam at all.