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A chill travels down Mark’s spine as he is unwillingly lulled into consciousness. The room is entirely silent except the sound of soft snoring beside him and faint cheeping outside. The air in his room feels weirdly chilly, the bitter cold lingering on his bare shoulders that peak out above the covers. The unpleasant feeling causes him to stir, searching for Jett’s warm body like it’s his lifeline as he pulls weakly on the covers to entirely wrap himself up.
He half expects to wake up in Jett’s race car bed, before opening his eyes to his surroundings and remembering that they had slept in his far less whimsical dorm room. It seems he had woken up just before dawn, the dark night sky developing into a deep gloomy blue that seeped into his bedroom through the curtains, the only light visible in the otherwise entirely dark room. Mark enjoyed when he woke up when the world was most silent. It was rare that he didn’t oversleep, so being the first person awake made him feel oddly accomplished.
He had eventually found his target as he shuffled to the other corner of the bed to embrace Jett’s sleeping body that he could just barely see the outline of in the darkness. Mark’s thin physique made cold days like this unbearable, and even on warmer days he often had to wear multiple layers to accommodate for his naturally cold body. Jett on the other hand, constantly radiated heat like he was a human furnace. This had proven very useful to Mark during winter, as well as times like now.
Mark briefly wondered in his sleepy state how Jett had managed to end up on the other side of the bed, despite the fact that they were practically glued to one another when they had fallen asleep. The thought evaporated the second he had wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s torso, whose back was facing Mark, as he nestled his face into his neck. He inhaled deeply as he closed his eyes, despite him knowing that he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep now that he was up. Attempting to fall back asleep after an early morning awakening was futile for an insomniac like Mark.
His eyes peaked ever so slightly out of the crook of Jett’s neck, only to discover the reason behind his bedroom’s unusual chilliness. The window just above Jett had been left entirely open, allowing an unwelcome draught to overtake his bedroom. He scowled upon the realisation that his freakishly warm boyfriend had carelessly opened it in the middle of the night, allowing the bitter cold to enter his room as well as god knows how many bugs. Mark thinks in the moment that the cold and bugs may be his least favourite combination.
Maybe if Jett didn’t insist that they cling to one another every night to go to sleep, then he wouldn’t get so warm that he had to open a window, although Mark couldn’t really say he was complaining about that. The real kicker was that he couldn’t even bring himself to sit up and close the window because he’d rather die than leave the warmth of Jett’s body.
He spent a while nuzzled into Jett’s side, just staring at the wall the other man was facing, every now and then kissing lightly into his neck, careful not to wake him up. He often found himself desperate to stay close to Jett as if at any moment he would vanish in thin air. This was reflected in his actions as he pathetically latched onto him. It was after a while however, that he had adjusted to the feeling of being awake, and realised that he was currently starving. Starving to the point where his head was starting to ache. Not only that, but he began he feel the early symptoms of nicotine cravings. He felt his restlessness intensifying upon realising that he hasn’t smoked in over 48 hours, which is kind of a big deal for Mark. He had been smoking from a pretty young age, and until he began attending Eden’s Garden, nobody had ever encouraged him to stop, not even his parents. Back then, compared to the rest of his addictions, cigarettes were the least of their worries.
Growing up, his parent’s priorities had lied in him continuing to release music, and just barely keeping him alive. As horrible as it sounds, Mark wishes they had been harder on him. He didn’t want to resent his parents, but their compliance with his managers had done irreversible damage to how he is now. Their definition of keeping him mentally stable meant them allowing him to do whatever the hell he wanted. He could smoke, do hard drugs, buy whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t kick the bucket. Those things brought him temporary and artificial joy, much to his parents’ contentment. Unfortunately, they had learned the hard way that they couldn’t spoil him into not being depressed forever.
Mark was still experiencing the long-term consequences of being raised so carelessly. A more miniscule consequence of this was the withdrawals he was experiencing right now. The feeling consumed his entire being, creating internal conflict on whether or not he should stay here with Jett where he belongs, or go and put an end to his cravings.
It was shameful to admit, but if it were only normal hunger, he would most definitely choose to ignore the feeling in favour of staying in bed. He had a bad habit of discarding his own physical needs, leading to him having awful eating habits and often looking like a straight up mess. But perhaps this time, as part of his healing process, he should allow himself to indulge and go and eat when his body is begging for it. This idea came mostly from the fact that the smoking was setting him further back (old habits die hard) therefore he should at least do something that was good for him.
It pained him to pull himself off Jett, like pulling apart two magnets. As he reluctantly sat up, the cool air knifed at him once again, causing him to wince. He wanted to shrink back under the covers, but he persisted on his mission to find some nicotine and a sweet treat. The change also seems to subconsciously effect the sleeping Jett, whose breathing pattern shifts, his face twitching ever so slightly. As Mark shakily stands up, his eyes scan across the messy floor of his bedroom, searching for something warm to put on to end his violent shivering. His eyes locked onto Jett’s large hoodie that had been sprawled on the floor, untouched for days after a pretty heated make-out session. He immediately steals it and throws it over his head before grabbing his packet of cigarettes, stuffing them into the pocket of his pyjama pants.
He silently moves to the door, careful to not awake the sleeping boy in his bed and steps into the corridor. Each floor in the building housed a different class that attended Eden’s Garden Academy, this floor of the dormitory housing all sixteen of Mark’s classmates. It was quite hectic for sixteen people to share one kitchen, but at least having Jett as a neighbour made sleepovers accessible. The corridor was silent for an extremely rare change as he crept down the hall making his way to the kitchen. Maybe he actually was the first one awake. The kitchen was equally as silent, with the exception of faint electrical humming.
As he entered, the automatic lights of the student shared kitchen flickered on, almost rendering the boy blind. The kitchen was thankfully empty; Mark breathed a sigh of relief as he was in no mood for social interaction during his early morning endeavours. His head was still spinning with the need to smoke, and it was gradually making him more irritable. Plus, it was still dark outside. Mark was functioning off five hours of sleep and the pure resilience of a nicotine addict.
Glancing at the stove, the digital clock read 4:47AM. It made him a little proud that he had woken up and gotten out of bed, when he remembers a time in his life when he would be going to sleep around about now. Back when he worked under his ex-managers, they would have him up working until the sun came back up, sometimes doing gigs, sometimes working on demos. It was all while drip feeding him various substances to keep him going- which disgustingly worked because back then sobriety seemed like hell to him.
He opens the cabinet that had been designated to him and rakes around for something to eat. He really wants something sweet. To others, it seemed strange how he was able to go without any food for such lengthy periods and then proceed to eat his entire body weight in candy in one sitting. The truth was, he just had a fucked up diet and zero self-control. Treating your body like a temple was a foreign concept to Mark, who treated his body more like a trashcan.
Finally, he sets his sights on his half-eaten packet of sugar cookies, eagerly taking them down. He had forgotten he even had these, and he thanked his past self for graciously leaving him some. With very little etiquette, he immediately starts devouring them in a ravenous manor. He’s lucky that none of his classmates are awake to witness his lack of decorum, but he was just so eager to finish eating so that he could go smoke.
Upon finishing them, he feels his previous crankiness begin to subside, but there’s still a nagging thought in the back of his mind that’s getting more and more impatient. He quickly exits the kitchen, making his way to the balcony on the same floor of the building. He spent quite a lot of time there, and it sort of became the unofficial smoking area for the class after him and Grace begun to routinely hang out there to smoke. They were an unlikely pair that surprisingly had a lot to talk about, even though he found her to be a little intense when they first met.
As he opens the door to the balcony, he is immediately hit once again with the sharp cold air, making him instinctively wrap his bony arms around his body. The sky is still painted a dark blue colour, transitioning between nighttime and daytime and the streets are entirely vacant. A fog stretched vastly across the streets, indicating that the day wasn’t at all going to get warmer. On the bright side, it was the weekend so he could just stay inside with Jett and stay warm. After adjusting more to the early morning cold, he reaches to pull out his lighter and packet of cigarettes, carefully taking one out. As he lights the cigarette, the yellow hue radiating from the flame sharpy contrasts against the icy atmosphere, allowing him to feel a sense of warmth for a split second. He brings it to his thin lips and takes a drag, relieving all of the tension running through his body.
As he exhaled and smoke danced through the air, Mark thought about how drastically his life had changed after firing his managers. He didn’t get the same amount of exposure anymore, but in Mark’s mind that was a good thing. He didn’t want to be loved for being a machine, and he was willing to let some fans go if they couldn’t handle him being human. The whole process was messy, with his parents and managers trying to talk him out of going independent, but it was worth it to get the serious help he needed.
Speaking of, he hadn’t actually seen his parents in real life since then. He was living at Eden’s Garden Academy now, and with the bad memories associated with his parents, he doesn’t think he could bare to visit them again for a while. He couldn’t imagine that they cared though. They were always emotionally absent, so what does it matter if they’re also physically absent.
Mark tries to jog his memory back to the last interaction he had with them. He must have been high out of his mind, if his struggle to remember meant anything. It clicks that the last time he saw them was a little over a year ago, at his last live performance. Not long after that had occurred, he had decided to go independent and had chosen not to do another gig since then. He vaguely remembered talking to his mother backstage. She was always a little more present than his father, which still didn’t mean a lot. She had been asking him all sorts of questions about him going off to a new school, what it meant for his career, how he was holding up under his managers. They were all questions that he was in no headspace to answer. He had to be in a drug induced haze to be able to go on stage without any issues. He suspected that she knew this but had turned a blind eye to it. She just wanted him to keep going.
That was the last time he had been around his parents, at least while conscious. After his overdose they had visited him, but he had been out cold. He had woken up from his unconscious stupor a few days later, with his family nowhere to be found. It made him feel completely hollow. It was a blessing and a curse- while he thinks he might have needed the familiarity, he doesn’t know if he could look them in the eyes if they had come to talk to him.
It was weird how it felt like drugs were giving him life, whilst they were simultaneously taking his life away.
Well, he was gradually getting his life back now, so there was no use in dwelling on his past. For the first time ever, he could envision himself actually having a future. One that he could maybe even look forward to and one that his parents barely played a role in.
He would never admit this out loud, but Mark’s biggest unspoken desire was for him and Jett to wordlessly leave everything behind one day and go some place where nobody knows their name. It was a ridiculous and unrealistic thought that he would never actually go through with, but Jett was the type of person who made him want to throw away all of his responsibilities and drive around doing nothing forever.
A more realistic future for the two would probably just be them graduating, getting an apartment or something, and just continuing with their careers. Mark could make music that he might even be proud of, and Jett could get back into racing. He would also want full custody of his cat Veronicat, who was currently living with his parents.
He’s abruptly pulled out of his thoughts of the future when he hears the sliding door behind him pull open, making him flinch. He can’t imagine why anyone who happened to be awake at this time would want to join him for an early morning smoke. He spins his read around, startled, only to lock eyes with none other than his boyfriend. Surprisingly, Jett had left his dorm room without his helmet, as though he isn’t worried about anybody seeing him at such an early hour. He looks a little scruffy and his eyes are half-lidded and sleepy. Evidently, he was also functioning off of 4 hours of sleep. He lingers in the doorway for a bit, before smiling tiredly and approaching Mark.
“Jesus, Jett! You fucking scared me…” he hisses instinctively, making Jett chuckle with a bit of mischief “How’d you know I was here anyway?”
Jett wraps his arms around Marks torso as soon as he reaches him, resting his chin on the other boy’s shoulder “Mm…you’re always here babe” he answers, his voice deep from just waking up. The contact immediately warms Mark up, rescuing him from the cold. Mark wasn’t too crazy about PDA but it’s not like anyone was around right now, so he leaned further backwards into Jett.
After a few seconds of silence, Jett had finally adjusted to his surroundings as he sharply inhales and lets out a groan “Man…It’s freezing out here.”
Mark takes another drag of his cigarette before replying “Well nobody forced you to come out here.” Despite his words, he couldn’t hide his gratitude that Jett had decided to come join him.
“Nyehh..You did force me to come out here by leaving the bed” whines Jett, shoving his face into Mark’s neck. His neediness makes Mark giggle quietly in reply.
Theres a lightness in the air as the two boys bask in eachother’s presence. It makes Mark want to wake up early more often so that he can experience quiet moments like this more. His previous stress is actively melting away with every second that the two stay in eachother’s arms.
“It’s nice out here isn’t it? When there’s no one else here I mean.” Mark speaks just above a whisper.
“It is nice” Jett agrees easily “You don’t like it when the others are here?”
“I don’t think I can cope with being around people all the time” Mark admits after a pause. It was true, Mark’s social battery was essentially non-existent when it came to most people. Especially with some of the rowdy individuals he had to co-exist with. He didn’t necessarily dislike his classmates, however. He would even consider some of them his friends.
“We can go somewhere else during spring break together, if you wanna get away from everyone.” Jett proposes all of a sudden, before he perks up a bit “Why don’t we go to your place?”
Mark’s body stiffens a bit at the suggestion. Being home doesn’t seem all that bad, he just isn’t sure he’s ready to talk to his parents. He doesn’t know if they’re disappointed in him after everything, or even worse, if they simply don’t care. Mark isn’t sure he wants to subject Jett to the unresolved tension within his family, and he isn’t sure how to tell Jett that the last thing he needs is a family reunion. They never talk about Mark’s family, except for Veronicat, whom Jett has seen many pictures and videos of.
The silence that fills the air is loud, Mark unsure what to say. He quickly forces out an awkward response “Uh…We could go…Whenever my parents aren’t home.”
There is quite a long beat of silence after Mark’s half-genuine response before Jett replies, “don’t wanna introduce me to the folks huh? I see how it is Broskii…” His words sounded half teasing, half disappointed. Mark wanted to shut down his self-doubts immediately.
“No, that’s not it. It’s not you I’m ashamed of, it’s them.”
The lightness in the airs gets a bit thicker, as it always did when they discussed sensitive topics together. Jett doesn’t immediately reply to him, trying to absorb the information. He tries to be reassuring by rubbing his thumb up and down the other boys torso gently.
After a while he opens his mouth “Not on good terms huh?”
“It’s not that…I mean it’s not like we’re zero contact or anything. We still talk over the phone, it’s just…” Mark exhales deeply, trying to collect his thoughts. His relationship with his parents is complex, and he doubts that he can accurately summarise all of his feelings in one go. “I kind of feel like they want nothing to do with me.”
Jett’s eyes widen, as if he can’t imagine why that would be the case. Mark can feel his confusion and decides to elaborate. He should trust him enough with this information by now after all.
“I just feel like they’ve never really known what to do with me. My entire life. And I think they resent me because of that.” It felt relieving to get his feelings off of his chest to the person he trusts most in the world. “I don’t think they wanted to deal with a son that was born so different.”
“Why would they resent you for something you can’t control? It isn’t your fault.” Jett tries to reassure, to little avail.
“I don’t understand why, but they must have some hatred for me. Otherwise…” he pauses, his tone dripping with bitterness “…they would have saved me when I needed it.”
He meant every word of what he had just said. His parent’s had left their sixteen-year-old son under the management of pure evil. Even when there were signs of exploitation, they never tried to intervene. Worst of all, they probably still wish he worked under his managers.
“…So I don’t want you to see them. I don’t want them to know what goes on in my life.”
Jett kisses on his neck sweetly, “It’s okay, we can do whatever you want”
He’s glad that he’s understanding and doesn’t push any further. They spend a little time in silence whilst Mark finishes his cigarette, Jett patiently waiting for him to finish so that they can go back to bed. He begins to yawn obnoxiously loudly, as a way of sending Mark telepathic messages that he wants him to hurry up.
“You know who I do need to meet” begins Jett, filling in the silence.
“Who?”
“Veronicat.”
Mark is instantly reminded of the fact that the two most important things in his life are yet to meet. He wonders if they would get along, or if Veronicat would fear him. He hopes not, but Jett is more of a dog person, so he worries about how he would approach meeting her. He hopes that eventually they can both look after her together, whenever they decide to get their own place.
“Oh yeah, you need to meet your stepdaughter soon. But if she thinks you have bad vibes that’s kind of a deal breaker” Mark jokes, trying to get a reaction out of Jett.
“Broskiiii…My vibes are literally so good though…” he whines at the concept of the cat disliking him.
“We’ll see about that” Mark smugly cuts off his boyfriends whining, before putting out his cigarette in the ash tray that had been permanently left on the balcony for him and Grace to use. He spins around to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and bring him in for a kiss. It’s quite brief, the both of them still being tired, but he’s happy that he had become comfortable being the one to initiate contact after all these months of dating. “Let’s go back in before we get hyperferremia.”
By the time they left the balcony and returned to Mark’s room, the sun had begun to come up, painting the sky a lighter colour that became harder to sleep through. They decided to spend the rest of their morning awake lying in bed together, talking about dumb things that didn’t matter, and discussing where on earth they were going to go during spring break. Sure as hell not Mark’s house.