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Rome and Mok were never supposed to get involved with eachother this deeply.
Mok was just supposed to be Rome’s brother’s bodyguard. Khun Thee was supposed to be Mok’s main priority. It was simple: keep Khun Thee safe.
But how could Mok ignore Rome’s annoyingly attractive face? How could he pretend that stupid head tilt wasn’t shaking up his whole world?
How could he pretend that his heart didn’t beat faster for someone it wasn’t supposed to?
The second Mok realised he was feeling things he shouldn’t be feeling, he tried to run from it. Place it somewhere with a million locks on it. Keep it away.
But then again, how could he resist the temptation of giving in to the one person who had slipped through all of his cracks and completely destroyed the walls he had built? The one person who looked at him like he hung the stars? The one person who healed his heart without even knowing?
The one person he’d sacrifice himself for?
He couldn’t resist. Not at all.
Rome was too persistent, too stubborn, too good.
Even though Rome knew that there was a dark cloud hanging above his head. His family’s expectations, the rules that came with it. And as much as he wanted it, he couldn’t have it.
No matter how unfair their luck is, they can’t escape it.
But who was Rome without trying everything he could to go against those rules?
From the moment Rome arrived in Thailand, he had made it his mission to flirt with Mok all he could.
“I miss you.” The first thing he had said to Mok when he stepped out of the car. And that stupid head tilt again. Mok tried so hard to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat, but he wasn’t naive either. He was fully aware of how he felt about the younger one, but knew that there was no way that anything could happen.
Mok would stay by Rome’s side though, just to get a little glimpse of the life he will never have. To create the illusion that there was no rule that forbid them of their happiness, that Mok wasn’t just a bodyguard.
Rome seemed unfazed by this rule, taking every chance he could get to find a way to Mok’s heart, not knowing that he had already placed his flag there long before he had probably realised he was even trying to go there.
Mok stood by Rome’s side, waited for him to fall asleep until he could leave to get some sleep himself and even took him to the beach just like he does every year when Rome comes back to Thailand.
He almost didn’t do it this year though, because he knew that Thee and Peach were there and Rome didn’t know anything about them so it wouldn’t be very smart to take him there this year. He insisted on going somewhere else.
But when Rome looked so sad, gaze averting somewhere in the distance, his heart sank.
“I never get to choose anything in my life anyway.”
And it was true. Rome never got to make his own choices. Even having to leave to Hong Kong without wanting to. Without having any say in this decision. He doesn’t have a say in many things, even personal things like love. He wasn’t allowed to love. And it was a shitty rule. Because Rome held so much love, so much love Mok could see in his eyes how badly he has to try to contain everything. To keep up with this mafia life he never really wanted.
So who was he to say no to him? And it was his birthday after all.
And maybe it was a good thing that he didn’t say no. Because seeing Rome on this trip was different. He got to see Rome in a different light. Seeing Rome with Peach was something he couldn’t exactly place, but it was beautiful. To see how Rome was acting with Thee’s significant other was quite healing actually. Both Thee and Rome looked like they felt lighter. Like some burden was lifted from their shoulders. Without any expectations of them, they could finally be however they wanted to be.
On this trip, he saw a side of Rome he hadn’t seen before. Maybe a bit more vulnerable? The way Rome’s eyes shone from the candle lights of the cake Peach had brought for him. He looked happy. Truly happy. Not the kind of happy Mok normally saw, not the survival-mode kinda happy, but the genuine kind of happy. It was nice, seeing Rome like this.
The house became quiet after Rome’s birthday celebration where they drank, danced and had fun. Maybe they had a little bit too much to drink, but it was okay. There was only one time where they could fully let go.
Rome was sitting on the floor, his leg outstretched to the other couch where Mok was sitting. His leg dangerously close to Mok’s hand. Mok was awake, just watching Rome sleeping. He looked younger like this, his features softer. Mok’s heart swelled, he loved this man so goddamn much.
He glanced over at Thee and Peach, cuddled over the couch behind Rome. He smiles, seeing his boss like this. He felt happy for his boss. Truly.
So when he glances back over at Rome he thinks: “Why can’t we have this?”
His hand moved without him realising, his finger slightly brushing over the uncovered skin of Rome’s leg. Rome opens his eyes almost immediately, alerted but also covered with a layer of sleep. And when he sees that it’s Mok who’s touching him, the look in his eyes changed.
He looked… relieved? A small smile playing on his lips. A genuine one.
It might’ve been a small gesture that Mok was making, but for Rome this was the biggest thing yet. Mok initiating any interaction that isn’t strictly professional? Initiating any form of physical touch? That was new. And Rome could’ve jumped from joy.
They hold eye contact for a while, Mok’s hand still lightly brushing his fingers over Rome’s leg. Mok glances back to Thee and Peach still snoring soundly before snapping his eyes back to Rome. He was torn between the comfort of Rome’s warmth and the priority of keeping Thee safe.
Rome could see the conflict in Mok’s eyes, but also the determination. As if he was finally letting go.
But then Mok broke the eye contact and retreated his hand from his leg and stood up, leaving to the balcony.
Rome sighed, letting his head fall back on the lower part of the couch but quiet enough not to wake his brother and Peach.
This is how it always goes whenever things get out of Mok’s control. He retreats.
But Rome is persistent.
So he stands up, quietly because Thee and Peach were still soundly sleeping on the couch, and went the same way Mok had gone earlier.
He finds him sitting on a chair, legs up against his chest, staring at something in the distance. He looked like he was deeply in thought.
Rome just quietly sits on a chair leaving the chair beside Mok open as to give him some space.
He looks at Mok still in thought, mimics Mok’s pose and pulls his legs up and places his chin on top of his knees.
“Are we ever going to talk about it?” Rome sighs.
He can see Mok’s eyes flickering to him before snapping back to wherever he was looking before. “There’s nothing to talk about, Khun Kritdanai”
Rome moves in his chair, hurt forming in his chest at the formal addressing. “I told you not to call me that,” he frowns. “Can’t you just call me Rome?”
Mok’s face washes away from expressions. “That’s not how a bodyguard should call their boss.”
“Is that really all that we are?” Rome’s legs fall down the chair again while he runs his hand through his hair out of frustration. Why can’t Mok just let go for once?
“You mean to tell me that i’m making all this up? That the looks we’ve shared, the touches we’ve shared, the moments we’ve shared— were all my imagination?”
Mok finally turns to look at him and shakes his head. “Khun Kritdanai—,”
Rome snaps, “No!” He stands up and goes to sit on the chair directly besides Mok, fully turned to him.
“Please don’t shut me out,” he starts, voice awfully quiet.
“You’re the one person i’ve never felt like i needed to hide with. Like i could just be myself and everything would be okay. You judge P’Kian so hard, i’ve seen it and it makes me laugh. But me? You don’t do that with me. You take me serious and don’t judge. You make me feel like going against everything i’ve ever been taught in my life. Like i could be normal. You don’t know this but you’ve healed me in so many ways i can’t even put into words. You have glued back a heart that you didn’t crack,” Rome spits out all in one breath. He looks Mok right in the eyes, hoping that Mok sees how much he means to him.
This time Mok doesn’t look away. He doesn’t look away for a long time actually. He just stares at Rome for a few seconds that might’ve been a few too long. He sees the desperation in Rome’s eyes. But he knows this can’t go on for longer.
“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Mok clicks his tongue. “Not to me.” he says while feeling his eyes suddenly fill with liquid he then identifies as tears. It had been a while since he cried. Not since…
Rome sighs, confused. “Why?”
Because it will ruin him.
Because it already has.
Because it’s not possible.
Because they weren’t allowed.
Because they weren’t meant to be.
Mok swallows. Stands up. “I should go back inside, I’ve already been out for too long. And Khun Th—“ His words get cut off by Rome abruptly standing up while Mok was talking.
“I asked you, Mok. Why? Don’t avoid my question now.”
Rome is standing in front of Mok. Close. Way too close.
“Khun Kritdana—“
“That was an order. Answer me.”
Mok sighs as he feels a tear run down his cheek. “I just can’t.”
That was final.
Mok walks away.
Rome is still standing there. He might’ve stood there for a long time after Mok left him there. A few seconds, a few minutes, he doesn’t know.
The worst part of it all is that Rome knows he can’t even blame Mok for anything. Because he understands. He knows why. Maybe he was selfish for thinking that he’d be worth giving up his principles for.
So for the first time ever, Rome gives up trying to make it work. He accepts it. He walks away.
That morning after everything went down Rome tried to act like he didn’t notice his brother’s and Peach’s concerned stares. He tried to act like he didn’t see Mok back in his usual manner, no signs of the tears he had shed just a few hours ago.
It’s as if nothing ever happened.
That car ride back to the mansion might’ve been the quietest Rome’s ever been.
Rome wondered if Mok noticed how he wasn’t being his usual self.
When it was time for Rome to go back to Hong Kong, Mok still accompanied him to the car, planning to take him to the airport and wave him off.
But Rome knew that wasn’t a good idea, so he forbid Mok from coming with him to the airport.
“Once I’m allowed to love, I’ll hurry back to love you.”
The last words Rome had said to Mok before stepping into the car.
What they both didn’t know was that those would be Rome’s last words to Mok ever.
The call came late at night.
The airplane crashed.
Rome never made it to Hong Kong.
And Rome would never make it back to love Mok properly without any restrictions.
the end.