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T: Hello, and welcome to Gotham by Night. The podcast where your two favourite idiots chat about the weird shit in Gotham. I’m your first host, T!
Ari: And I’m Ari! Let’s jump right into it with a segment of ‘Gotcha!’ where we talk about weird shit we caught our city’s vigilantes doing!
T: Our first submission comes from a loyal listener, ‘Baddie With a Cause.’ They say that they saw the new Robin, which I think we still have sword Robin, right?
Ari: Yep! That’s the one we’ve got now. Vicious little guy.
T: Right. He’s been around for a while, though, right? He’s not new… also again, we are NOT discussing the theory of Batman and his chicks being eldritch monsters who randomly deage.
Ari: Yes, he has. And no, we are not. That discussion has been had, and it lasted five hours.
T: You can hear it on our Patreon. Anyway, so Baddie here says they saw Swordy in the Batmobile, arguing with a fast-food guy at the Batburger drive-through that he could drive the Batmobile and order food. Without any adults in the car.
Ari: First of all, I’d like to point out that ‘could’ and ‘can’ doesn’t mean ‘should’.
T: Exactly. Kids do not steal cars to drive to get fast food.
Ari: Funny as it is, though, uh, should this go in the ‘list of red flags’ we have for our vigilantes? Because this is not ‘normal life person’ activities.
T: Okay, so speaking as the resident country hick, I was taught to drive like a little as a kid, mostly just like keeping the car moving while my dad worked on some shit. So for me? Swordy is what, like, eleven?
Ari: Yeah. 10 to 12 range. At least, that’s what he looks like.
T: Again, we’re not debating the theory. But anyway, to me, this is kinda normal farm shit. Until it’s the fast food thing. That is… vigilante shit.
Ari: So, it’s a point against the ‘just some guy in a costume’ theory, but not Red Flag List worthy.
T: Nope. So what’s the next one?
Ari: Next up is a BatCat report!
T: Fuck yeah! The RPFers are going to be on the edge of their seats.
Ari: {laugh} Yeah. This one is actually from yours truly directly.
T: Oh, shit from last night? You texted me ‘big news’.
Ari: Yep! They landed on the roof of that abandoned apartment complex across the street from me. You know the one. Where we keep spotting Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hooking up at?
T: Oh yeah, that one. I still haven’t forgiven Ivy for dosing me that time. Like, I’m sorry you decided to hook up on a rooftop, I can see?! You did not need to make me incapable of eating plants for a month. I was DYING for a vegetable.
Ari: Yeah, that was bad. But! I spotted them arriving there- separately, mind you- and kept a lookout. As you do.
T: Of course. Because BatCat is Gotham’s ship.
Ari: Exactly! Because Drama! And they were there for 3 hours.
T: Talking or like… going at it? Cause talking can mean anything.
Ari: Oh no. They were going at it. They were absolutely doing the horizontal tango. They went through a broken top-floor window, went sideways, and did not appear again for 3 hours.
T: God for them. I am so happy they’re back together. Not just because yay! We can stop being asked on all our socials, but also because it means that the Batkids will be finding any excuse NOT to patrol with their dad. So more stupid shit from them.
Ari: Which is more shit for us to chatter about!
T: Yes! And of course, after our two reports, the topic of tonight is NOT ANOTHER discussion about the origins of the Batfam, stop asking for that every time ‘Kid with a Camera’, it’s instead about the new Gotham City revitalization project concerning the abandoned amusement park on Eighth. They want to tear it down. I say let ‘em. Fuck the clown, get rid of it.
Ari: Two bottles of wine and a night of my life I will never get back. Anyways! Yes! Rip it down! Leave the clown freak homeless! Actually-… can we call him a clown? He doesn’t follow the clown code!
T: I mean… technically no but remember what happened to the last podcaster who refused to? Fuck Joker and everything about him, but I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to get pumped full of whatever toxins he’s got. Getting hit with his gas once was enough.
Ari: That’s true. I forgot about that. Poor guy. I hope they find a cure. Anyways! Ideas on what to replace the abandoned amusement park with?
T: The city wants to change it to a new shopping mall. And guess who is the ‘mastermind’ behind it? I’ll give you a hint: the fucker bought himself out of jail again.
Ari: {growl} Oh, not him.
T: Malone. We all know he’s a mobster. Gotham politicians TRY not to be obviously taking bribes challenge failed again. Anyway, he’s the guy behind it, but Brucie is actually currently arguing to turn it into a community center.
Ari: {audible sigh of relief} Thank god, different mobster. Ok. So, here’s my thing. Community center? Absolutely yes. I’m all for it. Three cheers for Brucie. … however. If the shopping mall was exclusively small businesses- which we all know will never happen! But if it did.
T: Oh, yes, fully agree. It would be a really good idea. However, it wouldn’t happen. Not if Malone has any say. But you could like have a… market I suppose in the community center? Where businesses could sell things?
Ari: Oo! Even better! Like a local trading hall inside the community center! That’s perfect!
T: Yes! And you could also add, like, a local no-buy swap. I would love one of those- I have so much crap I don’t use cluttering up my place, but it’s the ‘oh god I can’t throw it away or donate it’ thought. Because half the thrift stores here suck.
Ari: Yeah. Because anything that’s actually good just ends up getting sold at ludicrous prices or in the hands of some ‘collector’ who is never going to use it.
T: Exactly. And the last no-buy thing I tried turned out to be a front for drugs. Again. I had to use the Bat App to contact the vigilantes.
Ari: Oh, you told me about that. How did that case go down? I keep meaning to ask about that update you got.
T: Some small-time group who decided Facebook groups were the perfect way to sell drugs. I hear the stuff they were using was actually fake anyway. They got scammed hard by the people they bought it from.
Ari: {clicks tongue} Well. More people off the street, I guess. Whatever. What were we talking about before the tangent?
T: The possibility of a no-buy swap at the community center. Which is a great idea, even if it could also be tricky.
Ari: Right. Which, I feel like Brucie could figure out how to make it work. It would open up a lot of jobs. It could also give the Goonion an escape route! I know that’s something they’ve been looking for.
T: Yeah, for the vets, they’re interested in less work with the Rogues. And again, no, we aren’t interested in being sponsored by you guys, stop asking. But it could work. We just need to make sure they’re not working with any of them still.
Ari: Right. And I’m sure that the vigilantes would be willing to help on that front. Red Hood especially! Don’t most Goonion members live in his area anyway?
T: Mostly yeah. He’s also big about rehabilitation and… fuck what’s that word… the one where you like prevent people from doing- HARM REDUCTION. That’s the thing. He’s got like a bunch of programs running in the alley. I actually help out with one.
Ari: Oh, yeah. You told me about that. You helped set the books clear a couple of times. He stole you for some emergency when you were at my place that one time. What was up with that?
T: Okay, so like the book thing is more me and him swapping books. I made him read Heated Rivalry, the pretentious snot. But anyway, that was because the writers group I help with had an emergency as one of the girls who go there got thrown out of her apartment after her landlord found out she used to run with Scarecrow, and she went missing. I’m the one who knew where she could be so, I got dragged out to hunt her down.
Ari: … damn. You get all the excitement being buddies with Red Hood.
T: It’s not buddies. This guy has dragged me into this shit against my will because I said I wasn’t a fan of Pride and Prejudice. Like, I’m sorry. It’s a good book I will not deny it but I am not a regency person. But anyway, it’s fine we found her. She’s living in one of the buildings Hood owns he rents out for like three bucks. She did get fired, so like she is now working at one of his fronts. As an actual like worker there not a Hood Goon.
Ari: Good for her. Glad she’s turned her life around a bit. But you still get all the excitement. You have a crime lord for a book buddy. All I’ve got are galas and dresses worth 18 times my meagre net worth.
T: You’re the one dating a cop. Even if it is Gotham’s Princess Dick Grayson. But you also get a front row seat of Brucie so it could like… average out?
Ari: {uncertain laughter} Not exactly. His love language is gift giving. And apparently, I’m the best thing that’s happened to his oldest.
T: Awww. So cute. {kissing noises followed by a thunk} Ow. Okay then. Wait- I don’t think I’ve ever asked. Do they listen to this? Or are you still pretending we don’t run a podcast where thirty percent of the time we rank how ridiculous they are?
Ari: Oh, no. They know. They definitely know about the podcast. I refuse to give them heads up on anything beyond when recordings happen, but they know. Speaking of- Hey, babe! I know you’re listening. Alfred said to make sure you’re on time for dinner for once.
T: Alfred! If you’re listening, please know I will marry you if you have Ari bring some of those cookies you made last time. Like one knee right now, I will. Also, Brucie… I regret nothing. I will absolutely pass you in smash or pass.
Ari: {smothered giggle fit} Oh my god. That game was a disaster!
T: {laughs} I stand by it. I will pass Bruce Wayne and smash Alfred. I one hundred percent would. I will also smash Selina Kyle. And pass Wonder Woman, which I’m still getting weird threats about? Smash Clark Kent, though. Meanwhile, you said smash to Dick Grayson and then proceeded to smash him.
Ari: Listen! The universe tried to call my bluff, and I said bet. I am but an honest woman.
T: Nice. Good for you. Let me know if he messes up. Hood can make people vanish. Or I could post some of the pictures I took last week when we got together for drinks. That man cannot hold his beer. How?
Ari: He really can’t. It’s hilarious. But neither one will actually be necessary. The littlest Wayne actually came to my defence on that.
T: Really? It’s cause of your cats, isn’t it?
Ari: Possibly. It might also be because of the promise I made to help him get good care and homes for any injured strays he finds. … I regret nothing!
T: I did see the Instagram posts. Those kittens are so cute. But… we are really off track. Community Center- better choice than a mall.
Ari: Yes! Community centers are amazing! Have you been to that one that Brucie set up last year? It’s teen-focused, but still very nice.
T: I have actually. He held a book day in honour of his late son Jason. My store got to be part of it. It is really nice. Happy to have some places for teenagers to hang out that lets them actually hang out.
Ari: Yeah. It’s really good to see kids being kids without the pressure. I actually run the teen run garden there. Dick mentioned that I have one at my place, and Brucie just went full in on the idea.
T: Aww, that’s sweet. He seems like the type. Good guy… wait, if he’s listening to this, do NOT put me in charge of anything. I like my job. I like stocking books, Brucie. I am NOT the person to run anything.
Ari: {smothered snort} You know he’s still going to figure out a way to put you in charge of something. Right? And you won’t realize until too late?
T: Fuck that. I will run off to live in the woods. I can survive.
Ari: {laugh} Don’t worry, T. I’ll keep him off your back.
T: Good. But… I think that wraps up our main topic for today. A quick word from our sponsor of today then a segment of ‘does this vigilante owe you money’. It’s time to pick on Red Robin I believe.
Ari: Oh, this is going to be fun. He’s terrible about this stuff.
T: I know. Anyway, our sponsor today is the Bat App. Run by a very talented group of hackers and an anonymous backer {loud fake cough} Brucie{loud fake cough}, this app lets you contact any local vigilante in Gotham to report any crimes you may see. I believe it has seven levels of reports Ari?
Ari: 8 actually. But 99 times out of a hundred, you’re not going to use the 8th one. It’s the ‘literal apocalypse dozens of people are dying at a time in front of me’ level.
T: Ah, so if you see Constantine running, then press it. As well, the Bat App is pleased to announce that they are expanding. You can now send alerts to other vigilantes in other cities. Barring Metropolis. Cause Big Blue hears you anyway. And also fuck them. {Pause} I’m not even a native Gothamite, why do I hate them so much?
Ari: {totally nonchalant and casual} The mob mentality is getting to you. You might need another camping trip.
T: One is booked for next month. I’m backpacking in and out. Please, whatever Gods are listening, please let this be a normal trip. That time I ran into Constantine was too much. I did not need to know about the Infinite Realms. I did NOT. Anyways, Ari- who has sent us their submission today?
Ari: {brief cackle} I’m just hearing the Magic School Bus theme now. {Snort, then breath} Ok. Uh, looks like… {paper ruffle} Kelli-hits-running asking ‘does Red Robin owe me money if he stole one of the Bat’s batarangs, missed his target, threw it through my open window, and shattered my thankfully empty display case?’
T: Yes. 100% he does. The question is, what were you going to display? That adds to the total.
Ari: I actually looked into this. She made a few Instagram posts about it. Her father passed away last year, and she inherited this family heirloom katana. Kelli doesn’t do weapons, but she is keeping it. She got a Wayne Industries display because it’s apparently a super-rare piece.
T: Oh shit. If it’s that rare, she probably splurged for the fancy one with the alarms. That’s like two grand, right?
Ari: Oh, yeah. It definitely hit her wallet big time. She’s pissed. So the answer is, yes? Red Robin does, in fact, owe Kelli money?
T: Yes. So on top of the five hundred minimum we agreed to, that’s another two thousand. Red Robin, the council has decided- you owe Kellie $2500 dollars. {bangs hand on table}
Ari: If you don’t pay it yourself within the week, I can and will tell on you to Batman! And… that’s all? I’m tempted to quote Looney Tunes.
T: Same. But yeah- that’s all for now! Next week, our topic is on the Justice League and why no, Batman telling metas to keep out is not metaphobic. Vote for the week after’s theme on our Patreon- and no. We are not talking about the eldritch theory again.
Ari: {low tones} I have opinions about next week’s topic. … {Cheery} Bye!!
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Gotham by Night @gtnpodcast
New episode dropped! We talk about Swordy, BatCat and discuss the old amusement park.
BatCat Adopt Me @felineflyer
Yes!!! They’re back on!!! Thank you Ari for seeing that!
-> Ari Dreams @Dreamer-Girlie
You’re very welcome! ☺️
Go Gotham Knights! @gothambred
And another ‘T got doused with something’ story. That’s what the sixth since January? It’s freaking April.
-> T. Books 📕 Author @booksandteaplease
In fairness, the Ivy incident happened last year.
Gotham Bones @theworldonfire
No Penguin mention? Has the beef ended?
-> Ari Dreams @Dreamer-Girlie
Not a chance in the entirety of history, buddy. He knows what he did.
Gotham Pics @kidwithacamera
You guys didn’t even talk about the best part of the theory!! We need more!!
-> T. Books 📕 Author @booksandteaplease
NO.
-> Ari Dreams @Dreamer-Girlie
😊There is a five hour discussion on our Patreon! 😊Go enjoy that! 😊
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Gotham at Night
Welcome to the home base of Gotham at Night! A podcast where we discuss Gotham and all its glory! We update every week on Mondays!
Hosts
T
[image description: Brunette person with short messy hair and a pair of square glasses. Wearing a black t-shirt under a halfway open green dress shirt and brown pants.]
T is one of the Co-Hosts of Gotham at Night. A Canadian who moved to Gotham 5 years back, T works at Books and Bits, a small independent bookstore near Park Row. They’re also an author of several books, including the current hit series of Passion Capes.
Ari
[image description: Brunette woman with long curly hair in a high ponytail and a pair of oval glasses. Wearing a white long-sleeved shirt under a dark green apron dress with white garden boots.]
Ari is one of the Co-Hosts of Gotham at Night. Originally from the Southern United States, she moved to Gotham 5 years ago. She now works at her own cafe, Batty Bites, where she sells a variety of drinks and treats. She also runs a couple of rooftop gardens, both for herself and on behalf of Wayne Industries.
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5 Years Ago
“You know,” T said as they squinted through their glasses, hand over their eyes as if shielding themself from the moonlight. “When I said ‘hey, let’s reblog this post’ about being transported into a new world… I didn’t expect it to happen.”
“Who’s the resident chaos deity around here?” Ari said, peering around at the nearest graffiti-covered street sign. “Klarion? Kla-something? They have to be messing with us. I’m not going to bank on an easy way back, though.”
“No. Well… fuck is then? What do we do now?” T asked.
Apparently, T would joke a few months later, the answer would be to start a podcast.