Chapter Text
Magnus!”
Around me are four brooms and a mop. I am in a storage closet. My friends are calling my name, but I do not answer. My hands clutch tightly onto the fabric of my pants. I have pulled my knees up and I hum quietly to myself, rocking back and forth slightly. From the outside, it might look like I am freaking out. Which maybe I am.
My heart is pounding hard and tears burn in my eyes.
“Magnus!” a passing voice calls again. Alex.
In my head, his voice turns into a shrill screech. It gets louder and louder until I cannot take it anymore and press my hands over my ears. But the screeching only gets louder. By now, I can only hear the screeching. Everything else has gone silent.
Suddenly, it stops. And it becomes eerily quiet. Too quiet.
I start drumming my fingers against the floor just to fill the silence. Slowly, my mind becomes capable of forming normal thoughts again.
And maybe I should explain what I am even doing in a storage closet and why I am losing it.
That morning, for once, I had not been grumpy but unusually happy. The evening before, Alex had given me a kiss on the cheek. And yes, maybe it was a bit pathetic, but it made me happy. Unfortunately, I was not happy like that very often.
Alex did not believe in serious relationships or even relationship labels at all, which is why it stayed at a few kisses every couple of days. I, on the other hand, wanted to be with him. But I did not want Alex to feel forced. I could wait. I was patient.
And sometimes Alex told me that he would like to be with me, just not now. That gave me hope. Every time.
But sometimes I felt really miserable when I looked at Alex and he ignored me just because our friends were nearby. Officially, we were just friends, even though Halfborn and Mallory clearly saw more in us. Which they were not wrong about. But Alex hated the idea that they might think we were together. Almost as if I was embarrassing or uncomfortable for him.
And that was exactly how it was that day.
Our friends had invited us to a round of truth or dare, and we had agreed. The others were already upstairs, so we were alone in the elevator. Suddenly, he stepped in front of me and grabbed my arm.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered.
“Then do it,” I said as casually as possible.
And he did.
The kiss was wild and hungry, like we were both starving animals that had not eaten in days. And it was true. I had not kissed Alex in more than two weeks.
When the sound for the doors played, he let go of me and smoothed his clothes. As he walked out, he whispered in my ear,
“That was not so bad, was it?”
I laughed quietly and he grinned.
Then I thought about how long this had been going on. Three years. Not that I aged, but three years were still three years. By now, I would almost be twenty.
My mood dropped slightly, but I kept smiling. If Alex was happy, then I was too. Or at least I should be.
Sometimes I was not. And then I felt bad for not being happy that they were happy.
Just before TJ’s room, Alex ran his hand over my back again. A shiver ran through my whole body.
Then TJ opened the door and Alex pulled his hand away instantly, as if I were a hot stove, which probably matched my face.
TJ just grinned and let us in.
We sat down on the floor, but just as I tried to sit next to Alex, he moved as far away as possible. My chest tightened and I sat down next to Mallory, confused. She looked just as confused as I felt.
It was not like the others would think we hated each other. Officially, we were good friends. So why could good friends not sit next to each other?
The game started and Mallory challenged TJ, who had chosen dare, to run to Odin and offer him a glass eye. Not very enthusiastic, TJ ran off and came back heavily out of breath.
“Mallory!” he shouted from a distance.
“Guess that did not go so well,” she giggled.
And indeed, Odin had thrown the glass eye at TJ and set a whole pack of wolves and ravens on him. At the mention of wolves, I shuddered.
“Are they still outside?” I asked.
“Do not think so,” TJ answered and stood up to look through the keyhole.
“No,” he said when he came back. “No wolves.”
I let out a relieved breath.
Next, Alex asked Mallory about her current relationship status with Halfborn. With those two, you never knew whether they hated each other or were madly in love. Or both.
Mallory looked at him confused. “You want to know that?”
She shrugged, then suddenly jumped forward and pulled Halfborn into a passionate kiss. After half a minute, it got uncomfortable and Alex said, “Okay, I got it. You can stop.”
TJ and I nodded in agreement.
The bottle spun again and landed on Alex.
“Truth or dare, Alex?” Mallory asked challengingly.
“Truth,” he said.
“Coward,” Halfborn laughed, earning himself a hit from Alex.
“Alright,” Mallory said, thinking. “Hmm, Alex. Would you date Magnus for 100 dollars?”
I held my breath. This would have been the perfect moment to tell our friends about us. Or maybe that was just how I saw it.
“No,” Alex laughed. “I would never date that idiot. Not even for a million. I would rather date Halfborn.”
He laughed.
Something inside me broke.
Everyone went quiet. My eyes burned.
In a quiet voice, I said,
“Wouldn’t a no have been enough?”
Then I stood up and ran away. I could still hear Mallory asking, “Was that really necessary, Alex?”
And that is how I ended up in this storage closet, with no intention of leaving anytime soon.
“Not even for a million.” Was I really that unimportant to him? Had he just been using me the whole time? Was I just anyone to him? Someone you could kiss?
Alex’s words kept repeating in my head over and over again.
Maybe I should not have been so naive. Or maybe I just did not deserve him.
Before I could finish the thought, bright light fell into my eyes. When I looked up, I saw Alex’s face. That perfect face, those beautiful eyes, that perfect mouth with perfect lips.
“Magnus…” he started, but I interrupted him.
“Wouldn’t a no have been enough?”
My voice was shrill and sounded foreign. Even though I was just repeating what I had said before, there was nothing else to say.
Without another word, I stood up and ran to my room. There, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my head in my pillow.
How could I have been so stupid? Of course Alex did not want me. Why was I even so angry? Yes, he had told me “someday” a few times, but I should have known better.
Still, it felt like someone had just ripped my heart out.
Slowly, my eyes closed, and I fell asleep with the thought that I might never be able to look Alex in the eyes again.
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Alex POV
I am officially the worst person in the world.
“Was that really necessary, Alex?” Mallory asks, but I have already jumped up and run after him.
No trace of him. It is like he vanished. Not in his room, not in mine, although that would not make much sense either.
“Magnus!” I call again.
“Magnus…” My voice breaks and I sink to the ground.
Why, why, why?
In that moment, I panicked and did what I do best. Insulting. And I hurt him, which I never wanted to do.
That was also the reason why I did not want to be with him.
At first, I really did not want a serious relationship, but now I was just too afraid of hurting him. What if I was not enough? Or if I did something like that again, just out of reflex?
Suddenly, someone taps my shoulder.
“No time for self pity, Alex,” Mallory says. “We need to find him.Only Odin knows what he is doing right now.”
She holds out a hand, but does not look me in the eyes. She knows I hurt him. And even though she and Halfborn practically try to kill each other every three minutes, she has never hurt him like that.
What I did was cruel.
I run through Valhalla for another hour, calling his name, but nothing.
“Maybe he is in Midgard,” TJ suggests.
“Let’s continue tomorrow,” Sam says, who had come to help.
No one had told her why Magnus was gone, which meant at least one person was not giving me angry looks. But now she asks, “So what actually happened?”
Everyone stays silent until I speak.
“It was my fault. The rest can tell you. I am going to bed.”
They nod, and I can still hear Mallory starting to explain.
When I reach my room, I glance over at his. Maybe he is back.
Quietly, I open the door. It creaks softly. The lights are off, and it takes me a few seconds to adjust.
Then I see a figure in the bed.
Magnus.
I freeze. Should I wake him? He probably does not want to talk to me.
Instead, I pull a pen from my pocket. Magnus is sleeping deeply, so I carefully pull his hand out from under the blanket. It is warm and soft.
I cannot help but place my hand in his. A shiver runs through me.
While holding his hand, I write something on the back of it with the other. Hopefully, he will be able to read it. Hopefully, he will forgive me someday.
I stay there for a while, holding his hand. But when he moves, I quickly stand up and leave the room.
Outside, I almost run into Sam.
“Alex, what are you doing here?”
“I tried to fix it,” I admit.
She nods and puts an arm around my shoulder.
“You know, Alex, I understand you.”
I stare at her. “How? What I did was completely wrong.”
“See,” Sam says, “you know that. So you probably did not do it on purpose. You panicked.”
“Are you stalking me or something?” I ask.
“No,” she laughs, “but you are…”
She clearly does not know which pronoun to use.
“He, him,” I help.
“You are my brother, and I know you well enough to know that you really like Magnus.”
I nod. “Yeah, I do. And I would actually like to date him. But when Mallory asked, I did not know what to do. I kind of talked myself into it and could not stop. I did not mean any of it. But how was Magnus supposed to know that? When he ran out, I realized what kind of mess I made. But I cannot undo it, even if I want to. And I know how much he wants to be with me, and I want that too, but what if I hurt him again like today? Or what if he realizes he does not actually like me? Or if others judge me for it? Why can my life not just be normal?”
The words just spill out of me without structure, without order. But everything that needed to be said is said.
Sam looks at me and smiles.
“Alex, you are very clearly in love with him.”
She giggles, and I punch her lightly on the shoulder.
“It is not like we have been kissing for three years or anything.”
Now Sam looks surprised. “And you never talked about it?”
“Well, we did, but Magnus never wanted to pressure me. So I was sure I could not hurt him.”
Sam shakes her head. “You two are idiots.”
“Sorry, not everyone can be happily married for a year,” I reply.
Sam laughs, then leaves, and I go to bed as well.
I can only hope the pen does not fade.