Chapter Text
The circular screen in Oh's hands flickered once before Kyle's face filled half the frame. "Oh," Said the Kyle in question, into the microphone of his own equally circular device, peering down at the freshly printed incident report. "we have got quite the situation."
In that moment, Oh was mid-sip of a rubber chicken smoothie, just nodding along. There was no real need to be all professional and put together for instances like this. Even if this was technically an official presidential meeting of great significance, it was still just Kyle, after all. And Kyle had seen him fall down the stairs before.
"What is being the situation?" Oh asked casually, one hand loosely cradling the smoothie closer to himself. "Was there another accident?"
Kyle made a small pause before speaking up again.
"No, it is way worse," Kyle said, carefully picking out the right words in order to make it sound more serious. "A boov got beaten by a long metal pole operated by a humansperson named 'Fred'."
Well, seems like that worked. Oh nearly choked on his drink. "I am fine," he coughed, slapping the straw back into it's original place. "What the hell?"
"Yeah.."
"Beaten?? As in, gettings hit repeatedly?"
"Mhm. In the head." Kyle confirmed, totally unfazed.
The silence that followed wasn't thoughtful.
"...I am not understanding." Bless him. Now imagining what the crime scene could look like, the little boov immediately regretted having imagination at all. "How can you be saying that as if things like this simply just happen?"
Meanwhile, Kyle looked unsurprised as ever. "It happened. That is all."
Ever since the great Boov invasion, which conviniently took place on the day of the well known Smekday, or as they like to call it, the "Catholic Christmas", things have been going pretty fast. January slipped into February, February into march. By the time April had rolled around, and make that plus twelve, Oh had been the new president for an entire year and several months already, as well as a permanent member of the Tucci household.
Surprisingly for him, the whole 'being a president thing' hadn't changed life as much as he thought it would. You'd expect that being the leader of an entire extraterrestrial species would take most of your time, right?
Well, no, not really.
Of course, he had a place with his people, and generally speaking, a place in the world now. The others smiled at him, pulling him along when necessary. As for the actual 'leading the boov' part? It mostly just meant the occassional meetings with his primary helper and good friend, officer Kyle, usually via a FaceTime connection. Like the one they are currently having.
"The boov is being fine, though." Kyle continued, double-checking the report clutched between his fingers. "Mild concussion. He is regrowing parts of the skull, all thanks to the super advanced technology of ours."
"Oh. Good." Oh exhaled. "Did they manage for to find the Fred?"
"No. The last sighting we have of him was from a few hours ago, where he was just aggressively standing in front of a building." Kyle reclined in his chair, arms folding across his chest. "Besides, even if we are to find him, what are we going to do with him? Ask him why he did that? Perhaps offer him some motor oil? The human govermnent does not care about the boov. And we also do not even have our own jail cells. Our officers can only threaten to arresting people and hope it will work."
Under Captain Smek's leadership, punishment had been extremly efficient. A mistake? You get a bonk. Two mistakes?? Bonk. Nine mistakes???? ZAP!!
Too bad it had also been extremely fatal, which meant the boov had never really bothered building prisons at all.
Oh sighed deeply. "I dids not know humans even used metal poles like that."
"That is indeed what they do." Kyle said. "Apparently."
Oh pulled his hands down his face in a futile attempt to hide the gathering blue-ish rings which were slowly starting to form. "I was not ready for this."
Kyle tilted his head. "You are the president."
"And you are the Kyle, vice president."
Kyle let out a shallow breath that could maybe have qualified as a laugh, if it had contained any ounce joy within itself. "Yeah, so, we are having to do something about all this violence. This has been the what? Third or fourth, I am not sure, report call about a human-on-boov abuse incident this week, and it is only being a Wednesday."
Oh stared at the screen for a moment. "So, are you having any ideas?"
Kyle spoke before Oh even had the opportunity to close his mouth.
"Yeah. Ban all the metal poles."
And thus,
Safety protocol 7-F implemented: All metal poles prohibited.
Reason: Humans use said objects as boov jousting lances.
But in spite of that, another report call arrived, not even a full day later.
"...And this time, it was being with a gun! Oh God, oh boov. Where did we go so wrong?"
Oh stared blankly at the Kyle-shaped boov on the screen whose head had now duplicated slightly to the left, thanks to his tragic excuse for a router. Never mind that the boov had built instant, planet-spanning holographic relay systems that could basically project a fully stable, non-glitching version of your consciousness into another room without so much as a pixel out of place if they wanted to, because going by Kyle's logic, using the good ol' FaceTime was way more professional than anything else. He also insisted that Oh personally program it's compability onto their disc phones, as well as force them to connect to human Wi-Fi networks like that.
"With a gun.."
"Yes. I guess we overlooked that." Kyle admitted unwillingly.
Because in the rush of solving the devastating pole situation, the boov had once again proven their great talent in self-regulation. The prohibition had been distributed instantly across all Boov cellular devices; Touching, holding, borrowing, leaning on, or enthusiastically gesturing with metal poles was now as illegal as jaywalking or stealing from a store. A highly punishable offense.
Among boov.
Humans, however, had not received the memo. They were not under Boov jurisdiction. Humans did not recognize Safety Protocol 7-F.
They, as it turns out, did not particularly enjoy being told what to do, especially by some small extraterrestrial beings. Therefore, the humans have remained heavily poled, once again.
So, when a Boov officer, well-trained, polite, and freshly informed, kindly approached an individual leaning recreationally on a metal pole and attempted to inform him about the new law arrangement, the human person decided to inform him about one of the fastest ways to die in return; Being shot in the head with a firearm!
Oh stared at nothing in particular for a second. "So. We has banned the metal poles,"
"Yes." Kyle nodded.
"for ourselves, and then attempted to enforcing it on a species with constitutional weapon rights?" In that moment, both of them realized how stupid of a decision that really was. If they had thought about it even for an extra minute, they would probably have realized that a bit earlier.
"I am going to be honest with you," Kyle began slowly, "I am beginning to understand something very important about humans."
"Oh?" Said the one whose name was also just.. that.
"They are not running out of things to be hitting us with any time soon."
Neither of them spoke for a beat.
"Oh," Kyle lowered his voice slightly. "if this continues, we will be having no choice, but for to evacuate."
The boov had no authority over humans. The humans also had no obligation towards the boov.
And the space between those two facts was getting filled with metal. And now bullets.
Oh's gaze drifted slightly out of focus. Leaving Earth ultimately meant leaving his family behind.. And that was absolutely not something he was ready to do yet. Being the only boov left on the planet would most likely not have better consequences either, he imagined. It was a lose-lose situation, without a single observable solution.
"Well, I am not knowing what else to say. We are needing to do some hard thinking about what to do next." Kyle looked back at his screen, at Oh, who had been zoning out for a minute or two at this point. "So yeah, Oh. If you get any.. thoughts,"
"I will call." Oh saved him the trouble of finishing.
"And if I get any thoughts,"
"You will call."
Kyle gave a small nod.
"Alright, president."
"Alright, vice president."
The screen flickered once again, before the only thing both of them could see was the "call ended" screen.
And that's about what most days looked like. It wouldn't be inaccurate, to say the least, that the boov mortality graphs were taking a very unfortunate curve upwards, as the humans were literally speedrunning wiping them out. Even grocery shopping and simple tasks as such required a helmet nowdays, God forbid you want to get some vitamin D.
Either way, in the time it took to get through the paragraph above, Oh was already outside, as he decided that walking it is today. Not going anywhere in particular, but walking because it was much easier than thinking, and thinking was, frankly, terrifying. Plus, presidents take walks. He had seen it with his own two orbs in documentaries!!
Outside, the world was normal. A small dog barking at nothing, a kid on a scooter accidentally scratching a door of a car, quickly grabbing some money, some paper and a pen in order to write a little apology letter to the owner of the vehicle. "Out of the way!" Said a woman jogging past him in tiny shorts, which the weather had strongly advised against wearing. The sky was pretty much gray, and a guy across the street could be seen using substances.
Oh walked slowly down the sidewalk, hands clasped behind his back in what he believed was "leadership posture". He shuffled past a group of teenage humans, who looked profoundly confident in their ability to not die today. They mostly ignored him, which was probably for the best. Oh had zero interest in paying medical bills for the cost of merely existing in public today.
He paused, resting a hand on a nearby railing. He observed as a Boov politely tapped a human on the shoulder to inform him about the Safety Protocol 7–F. The human stared for a beat, then somehow managed to lean harder on the pole, grinning like he'd just won the lottery.
Oh pinched his forehead. "Maybe the problem is not being humans.." Maybe, the problem was coexistence without any structure whatsoever. As in, the boov were scattered literally everywhere. It wouldn't be crazy to say that people were not happy with them. To be truthful, "not happy" doesn't even come close. They were mad. Particularly mad that they had to share what was once theirs with some tiny creatures who strutted around like they owned the place. Nobody wanted to return home and find their walls covered in perfect, round holes, nor experience the horror of stepping on a scale after weeks of ice cream, corn dogs, and whatever junk food Smek believed constituted a perfectly balanced human diet.
And yet, the Boov were still here.
Perhaps Kyle was right. Now that he thought of it, maybe evacuation isn't that bad of an idea, after all. Which was unfortunate, considering he had meant to avoid thinking alltogether.
On the other hand, were the streets always this dark?
By the time he returned home, the sun had mostly clocked out. Somewhere between one thought and the next, things started demanding effort in order to be seen, which he anyhow managed not to notice until now.
"There you are!" Said Tip, sitting at the kitchen counter with a bunch of color pens and paper scattered on it. "I was about to inform Kyle about your untimely death." She giggled to herself, proud of the joke that probably took her hours to come up with.
She didn't look up immediately. The pencil in her hand moved in precise lines across the page, drawing shapes that might have been clouds or buildings.. or maybe both at the same time. "Hey." She said finally. "Rough day, huh?'
Oh froze, then nodded slowly. He wasn't sure why, but the corners of his mouth lifted faintly. "Yeah," he admitted, letting his hands drop to his sides. "Humansperson.. things. Kyle.. calls.." He trailed off, unsure how much to explain and unsure if he even wanted to.
Instead, he just pulled a chair and sat next to her. "So," Having nothing else to do with his hand, he fidgeted with one of his antennae. "what've you been doing? All this.." He gestured vaguely at the absolute mayhem of papers currently sitting on the counter. Tip held one up, showing something that looked kinda like one of those.. Well, she showed him something that looked like something, that is for suure.
"This," She said, "is the Cloud City, part of Reeree's world." She smiled proudly, tracing one of the ribbons with a finger. "You know, my original character I have made up!! Two tails, birthday headband ribbons, kangaroo bag, all that stuff."
"Ohh." He blinked. "Nice." His voice was honest, even if he had no real idea what she was talking about. The lines and colors did somewhat make sense in some way, though.
Tip didn't let him linger in his silent awe. "Anyway," she continued, leaning back slightly in her chair. "all this stuff lately.. don't you think the boov should be doing more? Like, it keeps happening, and it only gets worse. Every time. And humans.. will be humans."
"We try. We really do." Oh looked up at her. "And it is not working. We banned the metal poles, implemented every protocol for to safety that we could think of! Kyle's saying.." He trailed off again, trying not to think about the implications. "if this keeps happening, evacuation might be necessary. We would be leaving the Earth, and.." His voice cracked slightly. "..well, you know."
"You're not leaving anywhere. I won't let you." Tip said immediately, leaning forward on her elbows, pencil still in hand. "Can't you just get a safe place for yourselves? Like,," She made a little SpongeBob 'imagination' hand gesture through the air. "Like a bunker, or something, I don't know."
Oh froze mid-breath. Tip's wise words, softly spoken, somehow hit all the right synapses at once. That's it!! Confetti!!
"Are you oka–"
"Yes!! That!! Yes yes yes!!" He leaned back suddenly, grabbing his disc phone with a huge smile on his face. "Hold my motor oil, Tip, for I has got something to do!!" He said, already speed-texting someone, and before one could even point out the fact that he isn't even holding a motor oil can, he already ran through the door, swinging him shut behind him. But then, almost as if remembering the existence of manners, he peeked back in, quietly saying "..Thanking you!"
Tip just sat there, pencil still hovering above the paper. "I think I did something. Yeah."
♡☆♡☆♡
Running the entire way to the other side of Chicago was not in Oh's plan for today. Though, he really had no other choice now, as Kyle, who lives relatively close to that café where they have previously agreed to meet, was notified that there was an URGENT REALLY IMPORTANT MATTER that they had to discuss in person immediately. And it was also starting to rain, because apparently the things were not inconvenient enough already.
The café's awning provided exactly enough shelter for one person, which Kyle was currently using to its full potential. He stood there in the light of the café window, patiently waiting. The streets were completely dark at this point, which made it significantly worse when–
"KYYLEE!!"
Kyle flinched like a peasant. He for sure wasn't expecting to be yelled at like that in public. He recovered immediately, though. Oh, on the other hand, did not have that level of composure. He nearly ate the pavement stopping in front of him before catching himself on the wall with a panicked grab.
"You are late," Kyle said calmly.
"Kyle– I has a– I has– ah–" Oh bent over, hands on his knees.
Kyle didn't move one bit. "Breathe." That seemed like a reasonable suggestion, so Oh took it.
Eventually, he straightened up. "I has found a solution to all of our problems!"
Kyle inhaled slowly. "Oh? Is it being another ban?"
"..No."
"Is it being a bigger ban?"
"It is not a ban at all!"
Kyle visibly relaxed by 3 percent. "Alright, you may continue!" He said, as they walked into the café.
♡☆♡☆♡
"You are proposing," Kyle said slowly, "that we create..a seperate boov space on Earth, for the purpose of safety?"
That tone. So this was going well in the same way that a shopping cart goes well when it's rolling downhill with no one pushing it.
"..Yes." Oh swallowed (gulp!!). It wasn't a bad reaction from Kyle's end. It wasn't even a reaction, technically. But it was enough for his skin to start flickering yellow. He was pretending not to notice it, because acknowledging it would mean admitting that he was, in fact, panicking a little.
Kyle glanced away for a second, then back at Oh.
"..Why have we not done this?"
Oh's confidence snapped back into place. "I am asking the same question!" He couldn't help but smile.
Kyle did as well. "Where would that place be?"
"Oh," Oh blinked. "I.. dids not get that far. I was being more focused on just the sole existence of the idea," In his defense, he had not expected things to escalate this quickly. Or at all.
"Yes. The idea is existing very well."
They both sat there, listening to the rain. Kyle then tapped the table lightly with one finger. "We cannot simply be placing an entire population anywhere. It must be very strategic, isolated enough for our safety, so no interfering with human infrastructure. And, if we are to choosing incorrectly, we are creating an entire different problem."
"Oh," Oh frowned slightly. "That is true.. We do not want to be making more problems."
"Exactly."
"Good evening! Would you want me to get you a menu?" Suddenly, the waiter had showed up.
"No thanking you, I had enough of the time to memorize it entirely by now." Kyle glared at Oh. Oh just smiled awkwardly, mouthing the word 'sorry'. "I'd like a large OxiClean stain fighter."
"Alright, one large OxiClean." The waitress noted it down into her little notepad. "And for you?" She looked over at Oh, who was still feeling somewhat flustered after Kyle's remark.
"Just a glass of water for me, please."
"Of course." The waitress nodded and left.
Kyle immediately gave Oh a smirk. "Dang, Oh, water? Not even diet water? Talking about living large! Try not to fall from both sides of the bed." He elbowed Oh as much as an elbowless creature can do.
Oh rolled his eyes, playfully pushing Kyle's arm away. "Oh, you. Easy!!"
The two boov officials wheezed like somebody had tickled their internal giggle boxes.
After a solid minute of wheezing like they were being excorcised, they were unfortunately forced to remember that their species was not currently doing fantastic.
"Anyway," Kyle said, waving one hand vaguely. "Before we are to completely abandoning the topic at hand. The isolated space?"
"Ah, yes." Oh said, regaining momentum. "..Tip said bunker."
Kyle raised a brow. "Bunker?"
"Yes, like, far away from the sewer system."
Kyle considered it. "It would provide protection. However, it is also.. very underground."
"I know. I am not being a fan of the idea myself." Oh admitted.
Kyle nodded slowly. "Boov are not being historically enthusiastic about being butied alive."
"That also."
There was no obvious answer sitting between them.
That was, however, until something seemingly irrelevant had tapped Oh's memory.
"..The Cloud City."
Kyle looked at him. "The what?"
"Cloud city!" He repeated, a little louder this time. "A city that is being in the clouds!! The polar opposite of underground! Like the one for Tip's unholy creature!!" He smiled wide enough for all nine of his teeth to show.
"Her what?"
"The point is–" Oh gestured upward suddenly. "What if it is not being under the ground?"
It did take Kyle a moment to realize Oh was not pointing at the café's ceiling, but the sky. Either way, he was slowly starting to understand.
"What if," Oh continued, words starting to come out faster now. "it is being above?"
"..Above." Kyle repeated.
"Yes!" Oh nodded, more certain now. "Above everything! Not in the way, not taking up humanspeople's space. It would just-" he made a vague floating motion with his hands. "–Do exactly that!!"
Kyle stared at the sky from the window for a second longer, then back at Oh. "So, a floating city??" His gaze drifted again, except this time it wasn't distant. He was just being focused and calculating. "Elevated positioning would for to eliminate most ground-level conflict," he murmured. "Separation without getting us fully isolated, and also no need to negotiate land usage.."
"Oh," Oh added, excitedly. "and no poles."
"No poles." Kyle agreed immediately. "You knows what, we should begin immediately!"
"HUZZAH!!" Oh screamed excitedly. "Letting us g-"
"After I finish my OxiClean."
And that was about it. That was how the idea of a boov-only space became a real prototype. It wasn't particularly clean, nor was it structured in any way yet, but it was theirs now, and neither of them seemed interested in calling it anything else than real.