Archive of Our Own

Second year:

Remus’ presentation had been a fucking catastrophe.

It was the full moon that triggered it. He had woken up the morning after like he always had, naked, shivering, and alone. Body mauled from where he had torn at his restraints. That part was the same.

It was the slick between his thighs that had been different.

And the fact that he could smell everything. Normally his sense of smell faded back to normal human levels after he transformed back into his regular body, but that morning the scent of his own blood triggered his gag reflex. He had spent however many minutes dry heaving over the thin cot where he had been chained up during the full moon.

He had still been out of it, confused and hungry like he always was after a transformation. He hadn’t thought to expect his presentation for a few more months yet. He was only twelve, most omegas didn’t present until at least thirteen, many of them later.

He hadn’t realized what was going on until the door to the shed had opened, and he had caught a glimpse of his father’s face, pale and grim and drawn, his nostrils flaring.

Term started, and Remus went back to Hogwarts, dreadfully aware of his body in a way that he hadn’t been since he had first been bitten. He couldn’t help but notice the way the alpha upperclassmens’ heads would sometimes turn when Remus passed them in the hallway or when he would enter class.

He had never been noticed in that way before. It made something clench tightly in his lower belly and panic claw up through his throat. He kept his head down in the great hall during meals, picking at his food.

He had been so studiously keeping to himself that it took him a minute to notice that someone was attempting to get his attention in the Library.

Remus blinked, raising his head from the dusty tome that he had been reading, only to come face to face with Tom, a fifth year Hufflepuff student, standing close by his chair.

Tom had never spoken to him before, except for in passing.

“Alright Lupin?” He was saying. 

Remus blinked at him, bemused. “...Yes? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

Tom smiled at him. Something about the low curve of his mouth did something funny to Remus’ stomach. Remus shifted a little in his chair. He was abruptly aware that they were alone in the Library. Most students were outside enjoying the unseasonably warm weather.

He was also aware that Tom was standing very close to him. Remus could smell him, the slightly spicy, musky scent of an unbonded alpha.

Remus came back to himself, just in time to catch the end of Tom’s sentence “...just wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime–”

Remus gaped at him. Before he could even gather his thoughts enough to respond, there was a clatter behind him as Sirius materialized, dropping his book bag heavily into the chair beside Remus.

“Sod off Tom.” Sirius said pleasantly. “Go sniff around someone else.”

Remus blinked. There was a look on Tom’s face like he might refuse, but then he just muttered a surly, “fucking Black” underneath his breath, and stalked off.

Remus watched him go, and then craned his neck back to look up at Sirius.

Sirius was only a second year like him, but he had hit a growth spurt over the summer and now he fairly towered over him. The look on his face was hard as he watched Tom leave. He was standing behind Remus’ chair with both hands gripped around the back of it.

Sirius didn’t smell like Tom. He and James, the only two alphas in their year, had not yet presented. But the way that he was standing, the aggressive line of his shoulders, said all that needed to be said.

“Anybody tries to hassle you, you come find me or James.” Sirius told him firmly later that night in their dormitory. “Got it?”

Remus picked at the top of his quilt. “I don’t want to be a bother–” He had started to say quietly.

“It’s no bother, Remus.” James had piped up from here he was sitting on his own bed. “We’ve all got to stick together, yeah?”

Remus hadn’t known what to say to that.

***

Third year:

Sirius and James had their ruts within weeks of each other, apparently a common occurrence for alphas who lived in close quarters. Remus found that he missed each of them while they were gone. He and Peter were friends, but there was a certain vitality that was lacking in their dorm without James and Sirius there to egg each other on.

When they each returned to Hogwarts after their presentations, James and Sirius smelled like themselves, yet different.

It was the same scent that Remus had smelled on Tom, the scent of an unbonded alpha.

“Great.” Peter had groused from where he was lying on his stomach on the floor, doing his Charms homework. “Bad enough we had Moons stinking up the place, now I have to deal with you two. Why do I have to be the only beta, huh?”

Remus winced, but Sirius cheerfully threw a pillow at Peter from his spot on his bed, thwacking him full in the face as he yelped.

 “Shut it you.” Sirius said easily. “And we don’t stink. You’ll get used to it.”

Remus tuned them out as they started squabbling good-naturedly. He felt a bit bad for Peter, he knew what it was like to be the odd man out, but he didn’t agree with Peter’s assessment. James and Sirius both smelled good to him.

Peter too, smelled good to Remus. Remus found that he liked the smell in their dormitory now, all of their scents melded together. It smelled familiar. Like home.

It smelled safe.

***

Later during third year:

The first time Remus was left unrestrained during a full, he had been terrified. He had begged and pleaded with James and Sirius not to go through with their plan.

“It will be alright Moons.” James had told him patiently, during the fifth time that Remus brought it up. “We’ve been over this, this is what we’ve been practicing for–”

“But James–” Remus twisted his hands in his lap. He could smell his own scent in the air, sharp with distress. A thousand scenarios flashed through his mind. The wolf, unrestrained, a violent beast, standing over the bodies of his three closest friends in the world. His only friends in the world.

Panic gripped him by the throat, and his scent bloomed all around him, heady in the small confines of their dorm. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Remus.” Sirius’ low voice made him jerk his head up. He realized that the faint whimpering sound that he could hear in the bedroom was coming from him. “Remus, breathe. It’ll be alright.”

“Padfoot–” Remus started to say miserably. “You can’t. Peter may be able to get away from me, he’s small and quick enough as Wormtail. But you and Prongs, you–I’ll–”

“Shh.” Sirius put his arm around Remus’ shoulders, and drew Remus’ face into the crook of his neck. Remus went. His body seemed to be moving of its own accord. One moment he had been sitting up straight and stiff, hands worriedly twisting in his lap, now he was curled into Sirius’ side, practically in his lap, burying his face in Sirius’ neck.

“Shhh.” Sirius said again. His voice was firm. “Don’t carry on so.”

Sirius’ scent was strong by his scent gland. He smelled good. Strong and calm and steady. Remus huffed, inhaling his scent like it was a lifeline. Maybe, he thought, it was.

“Moons.” Remus picked his head up slightly from Sirius’ shoulder, and Sirius made a disapproving sound, cupping his hand around the back of Remus’ neck, trying to coax his face back down. James was kneeling on the floor in front of them. His face looked remarkably serious. “Moons, Sirius is right. We know the risks. We’ve thought of everything. This has been our plan for a year. I know you’re scared, but this will work, ok? Trust us.”

Remus sniffled, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand. Sirius’ and James’ combined scents were a soothing balm. Almost against his will, he felt himself calming down, his heart rate slowing, his breath evening out.

“Ok?” James said again softly.

Remus sniffed again. “Ok.” His voice sounded hoarse. “But, if anything, and I mean anything goes wrong, you have to promise that you’ll use the spell. I mean it, James.”

James opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius got there first. “Absolutely not.” He spat. His scent went sharp, crackling with electricity.

Remus cringed. Anger. Sirius’ scent said. Danger.

“Padfoot.” James’ voice was a sharp warning.

“Shut up Prongs.” Sirius snapped at him. “I won’t promise him that I’ll use a spell that could kill him, for a danger that’s not even going to happen. It’s out of the question. I’m not entertaining this foolishness, and you shouldn’t either.”

“I know.” James said steadily. “But calm down. You’re scaring him.”

I’m not scared. Remus wanted to say. But he couldn’t. His scent gave him away. There was no hiding it. Not anymore.

He could feel Sirius turning his head to look down at him. He kept his eyes down, looking at his knees.

“There will be no need to use the spell.” James was saying firmly. “Everything will go off perfectly. We have the map. We all have our jobs. We’ve been practicing. Everything will be alright, ok?”

“Ok.” Remus said faintly, because what else could he say?

Sirius didn’t move after James went back to his own bed, drawing the curtain to get some sleep. The full was tomorrow, and they all needed their rest.

“I’m sorry if I scared you.” Sirius said quietly. He still had his arm around Remus’ shoulders. His scent was calm again, soothing. It reminded Remus of the rolling sea underneath a dark sky. Sharp and fierce and beautiful.

Like Sirius.

“It’s alright.” Remus whispered, mindful of Peter and James’ drawn bed curtains.

He felt Sirius inhale softly, his breath ruffling the hair at Remus’ temple. Remus was still pressed close to him, Sirius’ lips moving against the crown of his head.

“It isn’t.” Sirius said. “I didn’t mean to–to alarm you. Just, don’t ever bring that up again, Moony. James and I can handle you. Let us, ok?”

Remus stared down at his hands in his lap. “Ok.”

Sirius exhaled hard. “Get some sleep.” He said quietly. “You need it. You look a wreck.”

Remus laughed wetly, dashing his hand across his eyes. “Ok. Tosser.”

He couldn’t see Sirius’ face, but he felt his grin as he stood up, easily unfolding his lanky legs, and went back to his own bed.

Remus got underneath his covers. Sirius was right, he did need his rest. Even so, he was so anxious that he didn’t think that he’d ever be able to fall asleep, but to his surprise, he felt his eyelids growing heavy almost as soon as his head touched his pillow. The combined scents of James and Sirius and Peter enveloped him, rocking him to sleep like a lullaby.

***

James had been right, that first full moon went off without a hitch. And so did the one after that, and the one after that.

Remus could scarcely believe it. Even now he would sometimes wake, blinking open his eyes, and imagine for the split second before he would draw away his bed curtain that he must have somehow dreamed the whole thing. His entire life since he had arrived at Hogwarts. That James and Sirius and Peter were just figments of his overeager imagination.

“Alright Moons?” James would say pleasantly to him, his hair sticking up all over his head, his toothbrush sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he moved around the dormitory, packing his satchel for class.

Sirius would laugh at him, tousling his sleep-ruffled hair. Peter would be moaning about the state of his grades. They all four of them would stumble down the stairwell together, bickering good-naturedly. Peter would be wheedling at Sirius to let him copy his essay for History of Magic, James’ arm slung companionably around his shoulders. Remus would feel Sirius’ hand on his elbow, holding him close.They were a pile of puppies, loose-limbed and gangly and still growing into their bodies. Climbing over one another, nipping at one another, occasionally snapping, but always, always, together. Always on the same side.

Always.

***

Fifth year:

Remus awoke with a gasp, jerking up.

“Easy.” Sirius’ voice in his ear was low, soothing. “You’re alright.”

Remus looked around him in panic. They were in the tunnel room. Remus was lying on the ground where he had collapsed into a heap as the Wolf. James and Peter, where were they? Where–

“Moons, breathe.” Sirius’ arms tightened around him. “Prongs and Worms are alright. They are up ahead in the tunnel. Wormy is taking care of the willow and Prongs is with him. They’ll be back soon. Everything is alright.”

Remus felt a whimper of relief clawing its way out of his throat. He turned his face into Sirius’ neck, inhaling his scent so fast that he felt like he was hyperventilating. 

“Easy.” Sirius said again. Remus felt his hand come up to cup the back of his neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He was in Sirius’ lap on the floor, Sirius’ arms around him. The blanket that they kept in the room was thrown over him, which was good, because he was naked. Sirius was holding him tightly, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other combing through his lank and sweat-soaked hair.

Remus pressed his face against Sirius’ neck, against his collarbone, huffing for air, trembling. It had been a bad one. A bad transformation. 

The room felt too large, still smelled too strongly of the Wolf. Remus felt like he was suspended in the air, dangling over a large precipice on a thin string. The slightest gust would send him careening downward.

“Settle.” Sirius whispered against his hair while Remus gulped against him, hiccuping. “You’re alright, see? I’ve got you.”

The sound of footsteps arriving made Remus lift his head, eyes wide, but it was only James and Peter. James had transformed back, but Peter was still Wormtail. He scurried over to where Sirius and Remus were crumpled together on the floor, and climbed into Remus’ lap.

Remus picked him up, drawing him to his chest with trembling fingers. Wormtail was a plump weight in his arms, and it helped to settle him, a little.

James was silent for a moment as he drew near them. “Coast is clear.” His voice was light, but Remus thought that he detected a strain underneath his words. “How are you feeling, Moons?”

Remus felt like every single bone in his body had been broken and then skelegrown back together. His entire body ached.

“Not too bad.” He said hoarsely. “Prongs–” His voice trailed off. He stared up at James helplessly. 

James shook his head down at him. “It’s alright Moons.” He said quietly. “We were bound to have a bad one eventually–”

Whatever else he had been going to say was cut off, as Remus burst into tears.

“I’m sorry.” He sobbed out, as James kneeled beside them. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry–”

James didn’t say anything, but he put his hand heavily in between Remus’ shoulder blades while Remus cried against Sirius’ chest. They stayed like that, the four of them, in a tangle on the floor for a long time, until long after it had grown light out.

***

The next full moon:

To himself, Remus could admit that he was terrified.

He didn’t bring up his fears to the others. He knew that it was useless, but his worry weighed on him heavily. He stopped answering questions in class. He stopped going out with James and Sirius and Peter to Hogsmeade on weekends. He stopped taking his meals in the dining hall.

 As the next full moon grew closer, he stopped eating altogether.

He strongly suspected that James and Sirius had been discussing what to do about him. He would catch Sirius sometimes, looking at him when he thought that Remus wasn’t watching, a watchful look on his face.

Still, they didn’t talk about it.

The morning of the full moon came. Remus listened to the sounds of his friends asleep in their dormitory as he rose and started gathering together his things. Peter’s light snores, James’ and Sirius’ deep and even breaths.

The air smelled fresh and clean outside as he slipped out the side entrance of the castle. He knew that the route was clear because he had the map with him. He had felt a slight pang of guilt when he had taken it, but it was necessary. Leaving it behind would mean that the others would be able to track him, and he couldn’t have that.

He set out for his intended destination, walking resolutely.

As he approached the edge of the Forbidden Forest, he felt a squirm of worry in his gut. The Forest was as dark and airless as it always was, even at this early hour. It loomed ahead of him, seemingly as impenetrable a fortress as Hogwarts. He heard the slight crunch of the leaves underneath his feet, but beyond that, nothing else. For a moment, it was like he was the only creature in the world.

Remus didn’t hesitate when he got to the edge of the treeline. He squared his shoulders, and stepped over the threshold dividing the Forest from Hogwarts’ territory. He fancied that he could feel it, the slightest whisper of magic as he passed the invisible barrier.

From here on out, he was officially off the map.

Remus walked for about an hour, heading northward. His wand was clutched securely in his hand, but so far he hadn’t had an occasion to use it. He couldn’t hear even the faint sounds of small animals like what you would in a normal wood, squirrels and birds chattering at one another. He was truly alone.

The others would be confused when they awoke, wondering where he was, but he didn’t think that they would be worried, not until they went to grab the map and realized that it was gone.

Perhaps they would notify Professor Dumbledore as the day progressed with no sight of him, but Remus thought it equally likely that they wouldn’t. That wasn’t the way that they handled things, the four of them. They didn’t run to teachers; they took care of problems themselves.

When night started approaching he thought that Sirius and James would probably find a private spot on the grounds to transform themselves before starting off to look for him. But even if they suspected that he had gone into the forest it wouldn’t matter at that point. By then, Remus would be long gone. Well out of the range of any location spells they could attempt to use on him.

Remus came to a small clearing, and stopped, looking around.

Well. He thought. Guess this is as good a spot as any.

Kneeling, he shrugged his bag off of his shoulders, and began taking out his parchment and quills.

“You really brought your potions homework with you into the Forest?” A voice said behind him. “Merlin, you should’ve been in Ravenclaw.”

Remus whirled around, his wand held aloft, but before he could so much as open his mouth, he felt himself stiffening up, his arms gluing themselves to his sides, his knees buckling of their own accord.

Oh you fucking wankers. He thought, as he landed heavily on his arse on a large pile of leaves. How the hell did they find me?

It was James, of course it was, Peter perched on his shoulder as Wormtail, casually stepping into the clearing, his own wand in his hand.

“Hullo Rems.” James said pleasantly. “Fancied a little walk?”

Remus glared at him. “Sod off.”

James laughed, waving his wand, and Remus found his ankles locked together. He was impressed, despite himself.

“A modified petrificus charm?” He said in amazement. “When the hell did you learn that?”

James shrugged, grinning at him. “Lily taught it to me.” He said smugly. “She’s aces at charms, that one.”

Remus had just opened his mouth furiously to retort, when a crashing sound from the undergrowth cut him off, and a huge, black dog bounded into the clearing.

Remus glared at the dog as it ran up to him. “Don’t you dare–” He yelped as the dog, placing its paws on his shoulders, licked him full in the face. “Pads!”

Padfoot grinned at him, there was no other way to describe it, his long pink tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth as he panted.

“Alright.” Remus said, as James laughed. “Alright, alright. Enough of this. How did you guys find me?”

“‘How did you find me’, he says.” Peter shook himself a little, like he was shaking off the dregs of his transformation, plopping himself down on the ground on the other side of Remus and Sirius. “Who was the one who bewitched the map with all of the tracking spells, I wonder?”

Remus felt his mouth hanging open. “You put a tracking spell on me?! When?!”

“A week ago.” James kneeled in front of him, idly plucking a leaf off of his shirt collar, and flicking it away. “Around the time Sirius made us wise to the fact that you were planning on pulling a runner.”

“I wasn’t–” Remus shook his head. “Wait, hang on, you’ve been tracking me for a week? And how the hell did Sirius know what I was planning?!”

“Cause I know you.” Sirius’ deep voice startled him. Remus raised his head to look up at him, transformed back into his human form, standing beside James who was still crouched on his haunches in front of him. “You’ve obviously been worried about the full. I knew you were going to attempt to pull some bullshit, going off on your own. And I was right.”

Remus glared at him. “Free me.” He snapped at James. 

“In a mo.” James said easily, standing up and idly stretching his arms. “As soon as I know you won’t hex us as soon as I unfreeze your arms.”

“No promises.” Remus muttered. A bit louder he said “ok you three have had your fun, but you really need to be leaving now.”

“Sure.” Sirius companionably stretched out on the other side of Remus’ frozen body on the ground. “And you’re coming with us.”

Remus exhaled. “No, I’m not.”

“Moons–” James started to say.

“No, James!” Remus exploded. His voice was so loud in the clearing that he felt Peter jump beside him, tensing up. He didn’t care. He couldn’t move his arms or legs but he felt like he was vibrating nonetheless. His heart was beating so fast that for a split second he wondered if maybe he was having a heart attack. “No James. No ‘Moons.’ No ‘Rems.’ No map, and no whomping willow. I won’t go back with you to the castle. I’m staying right here until tonight, and I’m going to transform, alone.”

There was a heavy silence. James was blinking at him over the rim of his glasses. Remus couldn’t turn his head to see Peter, but he knew that he was looking at him all the same.

He felt a shift in the leaves beside him. Sirius. He was sitting up, and then he was in Remus’ field of vision, leaning over him to peer into his face. 

“And do what?” Sirius asked quietly.

 Remus blinked at him. “What?”

“What will you do?” Sirius said flatly. “Alone, out here? You’ll still be the Wolf.”

Remus swallowed. He didn’t answer. He saw Sirius exhale hard. “I told you.” He was speaking to James, but his eyes were still on Remus’ face. “I told you what he was planning, Prongs.”

“Yeah,” James’ voice was heavy. “I reckon you did.” He waved his wand, and Remus abruptly found his arms and legs free. He flexed his fingers slowly, warily watching James in front of him.

“So, you planned to use silver restraints on yourself, out here, alone?” James shook his head, his face grim. “Forgive me for saying it mate, but that’s a really fucking stupid idea."

“Anything could happen to you, Remus.” Peter, speaking softly beside him.

“You could be killed.” Sirius was still speaking in that flat, even tone, but Remus wasn’t fooled. He was angry. “What if someone else found you, huh? Or something? What if we were too late? Or what if you just hurt yourself? Like how you used to before we mastered the animagus spell? Merlin, Remus, you could very well kill yourself–”

“At least I would be the only one.” Remus’ voice was raw. He was un-petrified, but it didn’t matter, he sat frozen all the same. His face was wet. He was crying. “At least I would be the only one hurt, instead of taking you three down with me.”

James exhaled heavily. “Oh Rems.” His scent was bitter with sadness.

Beside him Peter tentatively touched his elbow. “It was just a slip up, Moony.” He said quietly. “It won’t happen again–”

“You’re right.” Remus said. “It won’t. It won’t happen again. I won’t let it.”

He felt Sirius shift beside him, leaning forward. Placing his hands on either side of Remus’ face and lifting his head. Remus had no choice, he looked at him.

Sirius’ eyebrows were drawn downward, and his eyes were dark and flashing. Rolling storm clouds over a high sea. His scent was strong. It was always strong, the smell of campfire smoke and leather and tobacco and the woods at night.

Remus smelled Sirius’ anger, his worry, and underneath it, something else. Something he wasn’t really sure what to name. Something he had never smelled before.

Sirius took a deep breath, then–

“You don’t have a choice.” He said flatly.

James twitched behind him. “Sirius–”

“Shut up James.” Sirius’ eyes were still on Remus’ face. “Just cause Moony is being an absolute idiot doesn’t mean we need to coddle him. We thought you knew, how this was–” He nodded at the map, lying on the ground beside Remus’ potions homework. “What that means. How it works. It means we’re with you. It means you’re with us. For better or for worse. You think the three of us broke our brains learning the animagus spell so that we could run off at the first sign of danger? Leaving you to deal with this, alone? What do you take us for? Cowards?”

“You’re not cowards.” Remus said hoarsely. “You’re my friends.”

Sirius nodded once, sharply. “Exactly.” He stood up, extending his hand down toward Remus. “See, you do get it.”

After a moment, Remus took Sirius’ hand, allowing himself to be pulled up.

“No more running, Moons.” Sirius said softly. 

What else could Remus do, but listen?

***

Remus awoke.

This time he was lying on the bed in the tunnel room. Like before, he was naked. Like before, he was in Sirius’ lap.

Remus blinked blearily up at the ceiling. His head was swimming.

“Prongs?” He managed to rasp out. “Wormtail?”

“Here Moony.” Peter called. Remus lifted his head. James and Peter were both sitting cross legged on the floor by the door, playing a round of cards. Both of their scents were calm and unruffled.

Remus craned his neck back to see Sirius smiling down at Remus’ head in his lap, his dark hair flopping over his eyes.

“There you are.” He said softly. “Good as new.”

Remus winced as he sat up, Sirius’ hand heavy between his shoulder blades, helping to support him. He took stock of himself. He was sore, but nothing compared to the last full moon. And he appeared to be uninjured.

The others too, were uninjured. No one had a scratch on them.

Remus exhaled shakily, all of the tension leaving his body at once, and he slumped over, abruptly feeling the full weight of his exhaustion and stress.

“What–” He blinked his eyes rapidly. “What happened?”

“You transformed.” Sirius squeezed his shoulders lightly. “Like always. But it was fine Moony. The wolf was…calmer, than it normally is.”

Remus gaped up at him. “Really?”

“Yes really.” James piped up from his place on the floor. “It was the easiest full moon we’ve had yet.”

It was only as he was looking around that he realized that the bed was…different. There were gathered pillows and blankets encircling him and Sirius, and mixed in with them–

“Are these…clothes?” He asked blankly.

“Oh yeah.” Sirius said, a tinge awkwardly. Remus stared at him. He had never seen Sirius look embarrassed before. “Um, about that…We thought it would help, if we all brought something of ours, like a robe or a blanket, that you could lie in after you transformed.”

“We noticed that you seem to like it.” Sirius continued. He was not looking at Remus, his face was directed up at the ceiling. “When it smells like all of us, together. Like how it does in the dorm. I don’t know–” He shrugged. “It seemed to help.”

“Don’t be modest, Padfoot.” Peter chirped from the floor. “It was all his idea, Moony. He started rifling through all of mine and James’ dirty things–” Peter’s voice cut off in a yelp, as Sirius shot off a quick hex at him, knocking him flat on his back.

“Shut up Pete.” Sirius mumbled. The tips of his ears were red.

Remus stared at him, and at Peter and James.

 He opened his mouth. He wanted to say what it was that he felt. To give voice to the feeling that was swelling in his chest, all of his love and his gratitude.

Thank you. He wanted to say. Thank you for looking out for me. For not giving up on me. For being my friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

He couldn't get the words out. But luckily, the others seemed to understand. Sirius circled his arms around his waist, and Remus felt his hand, warm, resting over his lower stomach. James was grinning up at him, and Peter was starting to chatter about what they might be having for lunch when they got back to Hogwarts. Everyone was acting…normal. Exactly how they usually did.

Remus exhaled, and for the first time in a month, felt like he could finally breathe.

“Come on Rems.” Sirius said quietly in his ear, his hands lightly squeezing at his hip. “Let’s go home.”

***

Sixth year, end of term:

Remus idly rocked back on his heels as he waited for the train.

James and Peter had both already left the station, heaving their trunks as they shouted back at Sirius and Remus to expect each of their owls before the weekend was over.

Sirius hadn’t gone with James like he normally did. He was heading home, back to Grimmauld Place, most likely for the last time.

It had happened over the Christmas holiday. Remus had heard about it at first via owl, and then later in their dorm as Sirius had filled him and Peter in. Tension between him and his parents had been brewing for a while, and it had at last broiled over. 

He was returning to Grimmauld Place to collect his things, and then he would be staying the rest of the summer at James’.

“Oh Pads–” Remus had started to say when Sirius had told them.

“Don’t.” His tone was sharp. “Don’t, Remus. Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself. It’s better this way. I can’t be around them any longer. I feel like I can’t breathe in that house.”

Remus had understood. Not about Sirius’ parents, but he understood feeling suffocated, of feeling unwelcome, of feeling like you didn’t belong.

He hadn’t brought it up to Sirius again, but later that evening, he had slipped his hand into Sirius’ on the stairwell as they had made their way down to the dining hall for dinner.

“Think that’s your train.” Sirius said beside him.

It was indeed Remus’ train, puffing to a standstill as it rolled into the station.

“Well, I’m off.” Remus hoisted his bag over his shoulder, and then turned to tell Sirius bye, looking up at him.

Sirius had, impossibly, grown even taller over the past year, surpassing even James which James grumbled incessantly about.

He had filled out his robes a bit more too, Remus noted, a bit distractedly. You could see the slight definition of muscle in his arms, even underneath his school uniform.

Looking up at him as he was now, Remus was struck again by the feeling that he sometimes got around Sirius these days.

Sirius still had the same dark, unruly hair that he had always had, but now he sported a five o’clock shadow.

Sirius seemed a man to him now, in a way that he hadn’t before. He wasn’t quite sure of when it had happened, but it was undeniable that it had happened.

His scent, too, was different. Stronger. Sometimes, when Sirius’ rut was approaching, Remus found that he couldn’t stay in the dorm. Sirius’ scent made him feel…odd. Loose and shaky in a way that he only felt when he was in his own heat.

Remus didn’t really know what to make of it.

“Have a good summer.” Remus said. They were so close together that he had to crane his neck back to look into Sirius’ face. “Write to me when you get to James’.”

“I will.” Sirius said. His voice had gotten deeper too. “And you’ll write to me this summer?”

“Of course.” Remus said in surprise. “I always write to you and James, you know that.”

The conductor blew the whistle. It was time to leave. Remus stretched himself up, just as Sirius bent down, wrapping his arms around Remus in a hug.

Remus’ face was pressed right against Sirius’ chest. He swallowed as he was enveloped by his scent.

“Not James.” Sirius murmured against the top of his head. Remus could feel his breath ruffling his hair. “Me. Will you write to me?”

“Yes.” Remus said quietly. “Yes Padfoot, I will.”

He felt Sirius’ arms tighten around him briefly, before he loosened his hold, stepping back. “Good.” He said simply. “See you next term, Moons.”

Remus got on his train, sitting close to the window. He watched Sirius as the train started rolling away from the station, chugging on down the track, beginning to pick up speed. He watched him until he couldn’t see him any longer, and then he slumped back against the bench.

Sirius’ scent still clung to his clothes, to his collar. He inhaled deeply, feeling his eyes slip closed.

He was going home.

Fin.