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The Rise and Fall of Tom Cruise

Summary:

the marauders/valkyries/slytherin skittles do a scientology speedrun

Notes:

this is really corny on purpose, also this is the first fic i've ever written so sorry if it's horrible idk

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Remus Lupin had no idea how he got there.

He was standing outside the Church of Scientology Information Center in Los Angeles, California. Sirius and Regulus Black, James Potter, Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, Marlene Mckinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Barty Crouch, and Evan Rosier were right beside him.

"Ready, James?" Sirius let out a little laugh.

"Ready, Padfoot."

"I think i might shit my trousers." Remus declared. This was a true statement. His stomach was churning, and his hands shook violently.

"Nothing to worry about, Moony." Sirius reassured, "If we get caught, Wormtail is going down first."

Before Peter could protest this, Sirius and James broke into a run, and they were all hurrying inside.

...

It all started a week earlier. They were lounging in the living room of their shared flat. James was lying on the couch, Peter was sitting in the armchair, flicking through the television channels, and Remus was sitting on the floor with an arm around Sirius, who was scrolling his phone. All of a sudden, Sirius sat up straight and turned to him with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Moony, have you ever heard of Scientology?"

"No, why are you asking?"

Sirius picked up his phone and thrust it into his hands. It was a video of two men running through a large building. People were trying to catch them, but they kept going farther in. Eventually, the video ended, and Sirius took the phone back.

"It's this weird, mysterious cult thing. Nobody really knows how it works, and they have massive headquarters. People want to find out what's in them, so they run in and try to get as far as they can, but everybody gets caught before they see anything weird." he explained.

"And why are you showing this to me?" Remus questioned.

"I want to do a Scientology speedrun."

Remus reluctantly said yes, but only because Sirius was so excited about it. James agreed in a heartbeat, and Sirius practically begged Peter to do it. James immediately called Lily, and she was horrified by the idea, but she was concerned for James, so she was in, along with Mary. Remus was tasked with asking Marlene. Much to his surprise, she agreed, and so did Dorcas. This left Barty, Evan, and scariest of all, Regulus Black.

"No. This is a terrible idea."

"Oh come on Reg, it'll be fun!" Sirius exclaimed. "Barty and Evan have already said yes!"

"They have?"

"Yeah, and you know they'll do something incredibly stupid unless you're there to police them."

There was a long pause on the other line.

"Alright." Regulus finally replied.

"Yes! You won't regret it Reg!"

This might've been Sirius' worst idea yet.

...

They flew past the front doors. In the lobby, there was a circular brown desk with a man sitting behind it. The back of the room was split into two hallways, and the floors were made of beige tiling. Something about the place made Remus uneasy, but he had no time to dwell on it, because he was already sprinting down the left hallway.

He ran past doors, benches, bookshelves, signs, and other ordinary furnishings, but there was nothing that indicated a cult used this building. Remus could hear Barty and Evan whooping while Mary and Lily shrieked. Sirius and James were running side by side at the front. Remus was behind them, and he was closely followed by Dorcas, Marlene, and Lily. Peter and Regulus brought up the back of the group. There were people chasing them and alarms were set off. It was one of the most exhilarating things Remus had ever done.

He kept running. They had climbed to the fourth floor. He couldn't look back for fear of lagging behind, but he was pretty sure that Peter and Dorcas had been caught already. After a few more minutes, there were less employees around them, and it was starting to get strange. He was in a blue carpeted hallway that seemed to be never ending. The ceiling and walls were the same shade of blue, and the posters on the wall were flying by too fast to read, but they had pictures of weird entities on them. Suddenly, a door came into view.

"Go through here!" Sirius' voice carried back towards the rest of the party.

James pushed the door open, and they all stopped dead in their tracks. The room was massive. It had the same blue carpet around its circular edges, but in the center, there was a shallow pit made of white marble. There were columns around the circumference. The roof was in the shape of a pyramid, and it was made of the same marble. However, their eyes were not first drawn to these details. In the pit stood a larger-than-life Tom Cruise.

"You shouldn't be in here." Tom Cruise boomed.

Suddenly, he sprouted nine alien-like tentacles from his back. They each grabbed one of them and brought them into the pit. Remus looked around at all of his friends, and they all shared a similar expression of terror and awe.

"Since you have now seen my true form, you must fight me to the death. No one can know what i really am."

"Holy fuck!" Barty exclaimed.

Before anyone could respond, the tentacles lashed out at them. Everyone drew their wands, except Evan.

"Evan, where did you get a gun?" said Regulus.

The battle was on. While Evan shot rounds of bullets at Tom, everyone else was firing spells as fast as they could. The bullets were weakening him, but he was tough to defeat. One of James' spells took off a tentacle, but not before it swept Barty off his feet. Eight people were left.

As the fighting continued, Tom Cruise lost a leg to Lily, and Remus had managed to make another tentacle useless, but they were still losing. One of Sirius' spells hit Regulus on accident, and he was rendered unconscious. Eventually, their numbers had slowly dwindled, and only Mary, Marlene, Evan, Sirius, and Remus were left.

"While all of you send more hexes at him, I'll try to finally kill him." Marlene proposed in a low tone. Everyone agreed.

"Expelliarmus!" Sirius yelled. Tom was knocked backwards.

"Sectumsempra!" Mary cast. Tom was writhing in agony.

"Avada Kedavra!" said Marlene, with a force that Remus had never seen before. A green tendril of light stretched out, and as if in slow motion, hit Tom Cruise square in the chest. They had defeated him.

"Holy shit! We did it! We fucking did it! We killed the bastard!" Evan shouted.

They retrieved Regulus, Lily, James, and Barty. Peter and Dorcas were standing outside, and when they told them about their fight with Tom Cruise, they were astounded. Days later, when the false stories about his death hit the news, they all laughed, because only they knew what truly happened to him that day.

Notes:

this was inspired by a tiktok and written in 2 hours