Archive of Our Own

Hot blinding pain. 

That’s all Eddie could describe it as. He’s been in this situation before. On the brink of death.

He’s been shot at. Buried alive. Shot at again. 

But this. This is new. 

It felt so different yet similar. 

He knows he should expect these things by now. He should live everyday like it’s his last. And right after getting shot and buried alive he swore he would. He did, for a while. But then things settle down, and he starts to live normally again. He lets his guard down. And he knows it’s not healthy for him to be paranoid all the time, but maybe if he was, things like this wouldn’t keep happening. He wouldn’t keep getting, shot, and buried alive. And now stabbed. 

Just this morning, he was eating breakfast with his son at the kitchen table. Hanging out in the lounge with his friends. Watching Buck cook at the stove. Going on regular calls. 

And now. 

Now he was dragging himself through the hallway with an active shooter on the loose, trying not to bleed out. All he’s thinking about is his son. And Buck. And his team and family and how he has to make it home to them. He promised his son he’d always fight his way back if he had to. He’d always try and make it back home even on days that seemed impossible. So even though he’s exhausted, and cold, and in an immense amount of pain, he’s holding on. He’s crawling away to the light and into the dimmed lighted elevator, repeating the same mantra in his head that he always says when he’s on the brink of death. 

I will make it home. I will make it back. 

But the thing about life is that it’s always moving. It’s always changing, so he might die today, and the leaves will still fall, the cars will still drive, and people will still cry. He tells himself that it won’t be him. That he won’t be the change. He won’t be dead today.

Some people never make it home. But Eddie Diaz will. Not for himself. But for his family. For his son. For Buck. 

————————————————————————————————-

It’s cold and raining. Just a slight drizzle. Buck hardly notices it. Because his focus is on Harry right now. And even though he feels like he’s going insane not knowing if Athena will make it out alive, he stays calm on the outside. Harry needs him to be calm so he will be calm. He will make the perfect speech, say the perfect words that Harry needs to hear, and he will put his feelings on the back burner. Because Harry needs him. And May needs him. And Hen, and Chimney, and Eddie needs him. So he can do it. He can be calm and collected, and be the shoulder all his friends need him to be. 

They’re only out on the roof for ten minutes when Harry’s phone dings. 

He lets out a small sigh of relief, though it doesn’t last long. 

“She’s in a medically induced coma, and the next 24 hours will be critical but she made it out of surgery.” Buck lets out a breath of his own, finally allowing his brain to relax a little. 

“That’s good.” Buck looks out to the city, but Harry doesn’t respond. Buck looks back after a moment, realizing Harry’s lack of response. He knows the look in his eyes. The unwavering fear. The doubt. He knows it well. 

“This is good news. I know it may not seem like it, but it is.” Buck turns his body to face Harry, placing a firm grip on the boys shoulder. 

“She’s in a coma Buck. How is that good news?” The rage slips out before he can stop it. Buck doesn’t get offended, knowing the boys anger all too well. 

Buck thinks of what to say next. He knows there’s nothing he can say to make it better, but maybe he can sooth his nerves if only for a few minutes. 

“When I was in my coma a few years back….. I was scared. But it made it less scary knowing I had people to come back to. People out here waiting for me. And it was that, that made me have the courage to come back.” Buck looks out to the city once again, keeping his gaze away from the reaction he knew he’d get. He never talked about his coma dream to anyone. Well, he talked to Bobby about it briefly, but he never went into detail. He didn’t want to get that look. The look of pity. The sad heartbreaking look they get when they realize what he went through. He hated it. But right now wasn’t about him. If getting that look might mean Harry can be at peace for even a little bit, he’d take it. It wasn’t even a debate. 

“You were in a coma?” He guesses it made sense that Harry didn’t know. He would have been younger, and Athena probably didn’t want to scare him with it, but it hadn’t accrued to him that Harry wouldn’t know about the lightening until now. 

“Yeah. I guess it makes sense you didn’t know. You were younger than, your mom probably didn’t want to freak you out or anything, but yeah, I was in a coma.” Harry didn’t say anything for a moment. He had so many questions. He wanted to make sure he asked the right ones. 

“How long were you like that for?” The words weren’t quite a whisper, but quieter than before. More hesitant, like he wasn’t sure he should be asking him about it. But he needed to know. And he knew Buck would answer whatever questions he had if it made him feel better. 

“A few days I think. Bobby stayed with me for most of it. He didn’t talk much, but I knew he was there.” This makes Harry’s head turn. Buck kept his gaze on the bright city lights in front, letting the droplets from his hair fall to his lashes. He blinks them away, shaking his head slightly.

“Wait, you could hear people talk to you?” Harry had been under the impression that Athena wouldn’t have known he was there. That seeing her like that would only do more harm for him than good. 

“Sometimes yeah. I think when it mattered the most I could hear them. When I felt hopeless. At times I almost wanted to give up. I could feel them, even when they weren’t talking.” Buck hadn’t told anyone that before. That he considered giving up for the first time in his life. That he considered staying, and living the life he’d only ever dreamed of having. Until now. 

“What made you want to come back?” Harry had almost asked what made him want to stay. How could he even consider leaving his family behind. What was so good in the afterlife that made him want to stay? But quite frankly he was scared of the answer. What was his mom seeing? Was it Bobby? Would she stay for him and leave her kids behind? Harry didn’t want to know the answer. But he wanted to believe that his mom would come back to them. Even if it meant going a little longer without seeing Bobby. 

“My family.” Buck’s voice tore through his thoughts, and when he looked over he noticed Buck was probably in his own thoughts too. He was looking at the city ahead, but it didn’t look like that’s what he was seeing. It didn’t look like that’s what he wanted to see. Harry knew who Buck wanted to see, not that they talked about it much. But he knew. 

“My real family. My team, and my sister. Eddie and Chris, all of them. Growing up all I wanted was for my parents to notice me. To smile at me instead of being disappointed in me. I longed for a family I could never have.” He pauses, the ends up his mouth perking up into a makeshift smile, but the smile didn’t make it to his eyes. “I don’t even know when I stopped wanting it, but someone helped me realize that I was only chasing a dream. He reminded me that there’s a reason why people don’t have perfect things. Why people can’t be perfect. That’s what brought me home. I’m only here because of him.” 

Harry knew who it was. It went unspoken, but he knew. 

“If there’s any choice to it,” Buck turned around, now facing Harry once again, his eyes more present now, “she’ll come back. No matter how good it is wherever she is, there’s nothing in this world that she would choose over her kids. I know it.” 

For the the first time since he found out his mom got shot, he felt a little at ease. He felt hopeful. And that was enough for now. 

The two made there way inside, hair damp but feeling just a tiny bit lighter. Once they made it to the elevators, Harry looked over to Buck. The words were at his throat, they have been for months, but he could never think of a time to say them, but he figured he needed to hear them now. 

“Bobby would be proud of you.” Buck looks over in shock, his mouth parted slightly as if whatever words might have been built up in his throat got ripped away. 

He doesn’t get a chance to respond before Harry starts aggressively hitting the down button for the elevator. After a few seconds, he huffs in annoyance. 

“This is taking too long, we should just take the stairs.” Buck nods his head in agreement, still shook from the words before but knowing Harry needed to get to his mom. 

Harry walks away heading for the stairs but before Buck has a chance to follow him, his phone dings. He knows who it is before he can check, having set a specific ringtone for Eddie in case of emergencies. That’s what he tells himself but really he likes Eddie having a separate ringtone from everyone else. It makes him feel special. 

He take his phone out of his pocket, shaking the rain droplets out of his dampening hair before finally reading the message. Once he does, his smile fades. His heart hammers against his chest, and he can feel his brain pulsing against his skull at all the possibilities of what the text could mean. 

Eddiee: Hekp me.

Buck assumes it was supposed to say help, but he doesn’t fixate on it for much longer. 

“Hey uh, Harry I’ll catch up with you in a minute. You head down I just have to take a call real quick.” And maybe if Harry wasn’t so focused on his mom he would have heard the tremble in his voice, or the frown making it’s way onto his face. 

But he hardly looks back, just giving a quick thumbs up and disappears around the corner. As soon as he’s gone, Buck clicks the call button and holds the phone up to his ear. He listens to the phone ring. Twice. Four times. Five, six, before he can finally hear it. 

“Eddie?” For a moment all he can hear is Eddie’s heavy breathing, and then….

“Buck.” It’s soft. Barely audible, but Buck could hear it. 

“Eddie? Where are you? Are you okay?” Buck almost takes off for the stairs, because for some ungodly reason, the elevators taking a million years to get here, and he needs to get to Eddie now. 

He makes it no more than two steps before it finally opens. He lets out a sigh of relief, but it quickly fades once he sees what’s inside. 

“Eddie?” Buck whispers in shock. 

Eddie lets his phone drop from his hand, and has the nerve to smile once he sees Buck standing on the other side of the doors. 

“Hey Buck.” Eddie sighs out, like he wasn’t actively bleeding out in the middle of an elevator. 

Buck quickly slides inside before the elevators close, and drops to his knees in front of Eddie. His hands shake as he basically rips off his sweater, and presses it to the gushing wound on Eddie’s abdomen. 

“What the fuck, what happened?” Eddie yelps in pain as Buck presses down harder on the wound. He seemed more alert after that, the pain keeping him from passing out. 

“I was in the chapel.” He breathes out, grinding his teeth together as if it would help with the stabbing pain in his side. “There was another guy in there too. I didn’t notice him at first but then he started talking. He seemed fishy so I tried to leave, but then.” Eddie tilts his head back, hitting it against the wall, another wail escaping his mouth. Buck grimaces, but doesn’t look away, keeping steady pressure on the bleeding wound. 

“Did this guy fucking shoot you?” Buck feels like he would have heard it, or at least heard something. Some sort of commotion if there was a shooter in the hospital. Before Buck can panic too much about the fact that he let Harry go alone, Eddie shakes his head. 

“No, knife.” Eddie huffs out and Buck can figure out the rest. He curses under his breath, willing himself to stay calm so he can focus on keeping Eddie from bleeding out. He shoved the unwanted thoughts out of his head keeping his eyes on Eddie’s face, noticeably ignoring the blood that was seeping into the knees of his pants. 

“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Buck, coming to his senses, turns around and frantically presses the button, hoping that whichever one he pressed had some sort of surgeon on that floor. 

“I’m gonna get you to a doctor, and they’re going to fix you, and you’re going to be fine. You’re going to be oka-”

He’s cut off by a jolt. The elevator stops abruptly, the lights going out leaving them in the dark. It’s completely silent for a moment, as if it would magically turn back on. But they were filled with dread once they realized what was going on. 

“No.” Buck mutters quietly. “No! Dammit.” He lets go of Eddie to turn around and bang on the buttons. To bang on the doors. Anything to get it working again, like it’s just some remote that’s batteries were dying. He knows it’s useless. He knows it won’t work, but the panic sets in and suddenly the only thing that matters is getting these doors open. 

“Buck.” The words are silent over Buck’s frantic shouting. He bangs on the doors louder, yelling at them to open. 

“No! Open god dammit.” He breaths heavily, thought he can feel the adrenaline slowly start to leave his body, his mind coming to the conclusion that they were stuck. 

“Buck.” Eddie says louder, but Buck doesn’t hear. That or he’s ignoring him, which seems more likely. Still Buck doesn’t turn around, continuing his futile attempts at getting the doors to open. 

“Buck, it’s no use you’re wasting your energy.” Louder this time, and he knows Buck can hear him, which only makes Buck hit the doors harder, bruising his hands and wrists, but he doesn’t care. None of it will matter if Eddie dies. 

“I can do it. I can do it, I-” His voice breaks off as his arms get weaker, the crushing reality setting in. 

“Buck, just look at me!” Finally Eddie yells. It’s not harsh, or scary in even the slightest. But it’s pleading. Buck can hear the desperation in his voice, so with hesitating hands, he brings them down. They fall to his sides as he closes his eyes, but makes no move to turn around. He feels like if he turns around, he’s giving up. He’s admitting the fact that Eddie will die in his elevator. That no amount of banging or yelling will stop it. The inevitable. So he doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t look at the blood, pooling around his dampened jeans, he wills himself not to feel it. 

Eddie, however, doesn’t take his eyes off Buck. He watches as he slumps in defeat, his arms going limp at his sides, almost like he was the one dying. Eddie knew it probably felt that way. He knows that’s how he would feel if things were the other way around. If Buck was the one bleeding out right now. 

“Buck. It’s okay.” 

And Buck knows what he’s trying to say. 

It’s not your fault.

Realistically, Buck knows it’s not. He couldn’t of known Eddie was going to get stabbed. How could he? But he still feels useless. What was the point in learning how to save people if he couldn’t save the people that mattered to him? He asks himself that question a lot. It always goes unanswered. He didn’t think anyone knew the answer to that. 

But Buck shakes his head. Because he can do something. He can put pressure on the wound till they could get out. He could keep Eddie awake so he wouldn’t pass out. He couldn’t do a lot, but he could do something. But what he wasn’t going to do, was give up. It’s not something he’s ever done, and he doesn’t plan on doing it now. 

“No.” Buck shakes his head, finally turning around, this time keeping his gaze focused on the gash on his best friends side. He had a task to do now. He wasn’t going to look at Eddie’s helpless face, or listen to him try to convince him that it was too late, because he wouldn’t accept it. 

“Buck, you know why the power went out. Why the elevator stopped.” He breaths out, but Buck is already moving closer, pressing back on the wound, wincing slightly when Eddie inhales sharply at the pain. 

“The hospital is on lockdown. We don’t know when they’ll catch the guy. It could be hours-” Buck shakes his head once again, already blocking out Eddie’s reasons about why he will probably die. 

“I don’t care. I’m not giving up. They will find us eventually. The power will turn back on and then I can get you to a doctor that can help you.” Eddie knew he was talking more to himself but that didn’t stop him from responding. He needed Buck to be prepared if things didn’t go their way. 

“If things don’t work out like that then-”

“No.”

“Buck-”

“Eddie.” Buck finally finds the strength to face him. To look him in the eyes. And Eddie can see it. He can see the desperation, can feel the anguish radiating off of him. He can see the need. The need for him to be okay. Right now there is still hope. He can finish this conversation when there isn’t any left. 

So he nods.

“Okay.” It’s gentle. Careful. Like he’s afraid Buck would break if he said anything else. “We’ll hold pressure. Wait for the elevator to start working,”

“And then we get you to a doctor. And then we can laugh at how dramatic you’re being.” Buck says sternly. Eddie huffs out a breathy laugh, before quickly grimacing and tilting his head back once more. 

A few seconds goes by before Eddie looks down again. Buck is back to staring at the open wound, focusing all his attention on trying to stop the bleed. 

Eddie faintly smiles.

“That’s a good plan.” Buck nods his head at the words, still keeping his gaze away from Eddie’s face. 

“It’ll work. It’s going to work.” He whispers the last part under his breath but Eddie could still hear him. He was trying to convince himself the plan would work and that Eddie would be okay. He hoped he was right. Because Eddie Diaz wasn’t ready to die. And Buck would be dammed if he let it happen. 

Twenty minutes goes by, and they haven’t spoken since. Both lost in their own thoughts. It’s only when Eddie starts to drift off does he speak up again. 

“Hey, hey no. You need to stay awake.” He takes one hand to bring it up to Eddie’s shoulder, shaking him awake, not so aggressively that it would hurt, but hard enough to jolt him back to the land of the living. It works for a moment, but after a few seconds he starts to nod off again. 

“Hey, Eddie, keep your eyes open. Talk to me.” Another shake, this time it keeps him awake. 

“What do you want to hear?” The question makes Buck smile, though it’s strained. 

“Whatever you want to tell me.” Buck pauses, waiting for Eddie to answer but he stays quiet. Buck decides to ask the first question. 

“How did Chris do on his math test? The kids so smart I bet he aced it.” Buck asks, like he doesn’t already know the answer. Like Chris hadn’t already rambled about the good grade when he picked him up from school earlier this week. Buck didn’t care what questions he asked as long as it kept Eddie from drifting towards the light. 

Eddie smiles. Of course he’d ask about Chris. He thinks to himself. 

“Of course he aced it. He’s the smartest kid I know.” Buck smiles back, and Eddie half expects Buck to turn away again. To focus back on the open gash inhabiting his stomach. 

But he doesn’t. Buck’s eyes never leave his. Eddie finds he can’t look away either. 

“How are you?” The question startles Buck. He doesn’t jump back or flinch, but his brows furrow into his eyes, confusion sweeping over his features. 

“Like, right now? I’ll be better once you’re not bleeding out.” But Eddie shakes his head, trying to sit up more, to sooth the ache in his back from his hunched position. 

“No, I mean in general. I know life’s been really kicking you in the ass lately, I just wanted to know how you are handling it.” Buck knows what Eddie means now. Connor and Kameron. He wasn’t necessarily close with them anymore, but they were still good friends, and the parents of his four year old child. It still hit hard knowing they were gone. Connor more than Kameron, having known him longer. But it still hurt nonetheless. 

Buck’s eyes leave his face, which isn’t what Eddie intended but he’d been wanting to ask the question since it happened. Eddie still wishes he could have done more for them. For Buck. 

“Fine. You know, I didn’t really know them that much-” Eddie shakes his head, covering Buck’s bloodied hand with his own. 

“Don’t.” He pauses, waiting for Buck to look up. He doesn’t though, not wanting Eddie to see the tears in his eyes. He hadn’t cried yet, and maybe Eddie getting stabbed was the last straw, but he couldn’t do much when his vision blurred, his eyes filling with unwanted tears. 

“Don’t downplay how you’re really feeling. You may not have talked to them in a while, but they were still your friends.” He pauses once more. “And they were still the parents of your child.” Buck halts. He stops fiddling with the torn bloodied shirt, but stays where he is. 

He doesn’t say anything for a while and Eddie doesn’t push him. They both stay silent as Buck tries to gather his thoughts. Eventually after a few minutes he finally speaks up. 

“You know, Connor is the reason I even moved here.” Eddie didn’t know that, but he stays silent, letting Buck speak. He had a feeling Buck was keeping a lot of feelings to himself. 

“I was bar tending at the time. He let me crash on his couch a few times which was nice because it gave me a break from the jeep. A fire fighter show was on the small TV we had in the corner which is the reason I chose to do that next, but Connor, he said him and his friends were traveling to California and invited me to come with them.” Buck pauses to shake his head, as if he were shaking the memory from his mind. 

“I mean, I might’ve ended up here sooner or later, but I think everything would have been different. When you really think about it, he’s the reason I met all of you guys. It just feels weird now that he’s gone.”

Eddie can’t say he understands that aspect of it, but he does know what it’s like to lose someone who had a huge impact on his life. Bobby for one, but also Shannon. 

Eddie lowers his gaze, trying to catch Buck’s eyes. He looks up once he realizes Eddie’s trying to look at him.  

“Well, I moved here for Shannon,” Eddie pauses, keeping his gaze locked on Buck “but I found something better.”

And Buck…. Doesn’t really know what to say to that. He knows what he’s implying. But maybe he wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet. He found the 118, a new family to love. But he also found Buck. Buck who, introduced him to Carla. Buck who, jumped into a fucking tsunami for his son, then walked for hours bleeding out while on blood thinners just to find him. Buck who, crawled under the ladder truck to save his life. Buck who, sublet his house so that he could go back to Texas to be with Chris. 

Buck was too good for this world. Eddie knew it. Everyone knew it. Everyone except Buck. 

For a while, neither of them say anything. Buck listens to Eddie’s heavy breathing, reminding himself that Eddie was in fact still breathing. His gaze drifted down once again, but Eddie’s never left. He watched Buck fiddle with the shirt pressed up against his abdomen, the only thing stopping him from bleeding out. And for a while Eddie thought he was done talking. But ten minutes later, nearing the half hour mark, he finally speaks up. 

“What do you think is going to happen to Theo?” He had been thinking about it ever since Eddie had called him to tell him Connor and Kameron were dead. Who would he go to? A family member? Would they want Theo? Would they love him? It seems like a stupid question because Buck couldn’t imagine anyone not loving Theo. But he’s basically a carbon copy of himself. What if Theo ends up with people like his parents?

“I think they’ll find him a nice home, weather it’s with family or foster parents. I know he doesn’t really know what’s going on, but when he does he’ll have people there for him.” The answer doesn’t seem to satisfy him. Eddie can tell by the look on his face that Buck hasn’t stopped thinking about this since the accident. And Eddie isn’t blind. He saw the way Buck held Theo. The way he turned away, shielding the kid from his dying parents. The way he ran his fingers through his curly hair in the ambulance to comfort him. Buck loved Theo. He loves Theo like he loves Chris. It wasn’t hard. It was just instinct.

“But what if that doesn’t happen?” Buck pauses, trying to gather the many thoughts swirling around in his brain. “What if none of his family want him? What if they don’t love him right?” Buck’s voice wavers slightly. And maybe he shouldn’t be dumping all his questions and problems on Eddie right now, Eddie who was actively bleeding out, but he didn’t seem to mind. If anything he seemed to like the distraction. 

“Come on Buck, you’ve met Theo. How could anyone not love him. He’s basically a mini you.” The chuckle at the end didn’t seem to help Buck’s nerves. If anything it made it worse. Because Eddie makes it seem like it’s such a ridiculous question. Obviously they’ll find someone who loves Theo, it would be impossible not to. But Eddie’s right. Theo is basically a mini Buck. That’s why he’s so worried. 

“I know he’s basically a little version of me. That’s the problem.” Eddie knows what he’s implying, but it still doesn’t ease his heart. The words still break him, because after all these years, Buck still thinks he’s hard to love. If only Eddie could tell him it was one of the easiest things he’s ever done.

“Sure it’s easy for someone like me to love Theo. But what if he doesn’t end up with someone like that?” 

Eddie brings a hand over Buck’s, and if anyone were to ask later he’d say it was to help keep the pressure.

“I’m sure that won’t happen.” Buck is already shaking his head, trying not to dwell on the fact that Eddie was squeezing his hand with as much strength as he could muster, it wasn’t much but Buck wasn’t going to dwell on that either. 

“What if he ends up with people like my parents?” The question hangs in the air. Eddie had always despised Buck’s parents. He hated them for what they did to Buck, and always thought he shouldn’t have forgiven them. But he also knows the want to have parents in your life who care. 

“Sure, maybe my parents loved me.” Eddie tries not to think about the fact that Buck has to question that. “But they didn’t like me. What if Theo ends up with people who love him but don’t like him? I grew up in a household like that, and it was horrible. I don’t want that for him. I know it’s not really my decision but…” Buck trails off. 

And Eddie doesn’t know how to answer that. Because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to give Buck false hope, but he wants him to feel peace knowing Theo was going to be loved. 

But Theo was loved. By Buck. 

“I think I know somewhere Theo could go where he’d be loved.” Eddie inhales sharply as he tries to sit up more. The pain, so far, had been easier to ignore with Buck being here. Or maybe it was because he was slowly going numb. He’d like to believe it wasn’t the ladder. 

“Where?” Buck asks, the crease between his eyebrows getting bigger.

“You.” Buck almost reels back, but he keeps the steady pressure on the wound. His face scrunches though, trying to replay Eddie’s word in his head. Him? 

“You think the best place for Theo to be is with me?” Buck asks in disbelief. 

Eddie shrugs. “Why not?” 

Buck doesn’t even have to think before the reasons start spilling out.

“Maybe because I’m stupid and reckless and basically a child myself. Also not to mention the very dangerous job that I have.” 

Eddie scoffs, wincing once again at the pain. 

“Basically everyone at the firehouse has kids. And you’re not stupid and you’re not nearly as reckless as you were when we first met.” 

Buck goes to interrupt but Eddie doesn’t let him. He squeezes Buck’s hand and that’s enough for him to stay quiet. 

“Buck,” He pauses, “I couldn’t think of a better place for him to go. Because I know no one will love that kid more than you do.” 

Buck doesn’t respond. He doesn’t feel like he needs to. Buck trusts Eddie more than anyone so if he thinks he can do it, then he knows he can. 

As the minutes go by, Eddie can feel himself getting weaker. Actually he starts to feel less and less, the wound going numb, his eyes growing dull. His limbs growing numb. He doesn’t know how much longer he can stay awake. The bleeding has slowed down. But that was because probably half of it was spilled on the floor around them. Buck was trying not to think about that. He tried to push away the feeling of kneeling in a pool of his best friends blood. Eddie’s blood. 

It doesn’t work. 

Eddie blinks slowly, his gaze having never left Buck, and tries to take in every feature. Every crease left on his scowling face. All the colors mixed into his beautiful eyes. Every inch of the birthmark staining the place right above his eye. 

Because he knew. 

He knew that if he didn’t get help within the next ten minutes, he was going to die. He’d always been scared of dying. Well, not the actual dying part, it was the leaving everything behind part that scared him. Leaving behind his team. Buck. Christopher. But right now, in this exact moment. He wasn’t scared. He wasn’t scared of anything. Because he knew Chris would be taken care of. He knew Buck would never let him down. Let Chris down. Because he knew Buck would always put Chris first, and in doing so he’d put himself first too. He’d try and be better for Chris, to be the parent figure he needed no matter how much pain he was in. It’s why he chose Buck to look after him. Because Chris will need Buck. But Buck will need Chis too. 

“Buck.” His weak voice breaks Buck out of his own thoughts. And right away he knows what’s happening. It’s written all over Eddie’s face. He was going to say goodbye. 

But Buck wouldn’t hear it. 

“No.” It was simple. Straightforward. He would not let Eddie say goodbye. The plan was going to work. It’s what he’d been repeating to himself for the last half an hour. 

“Buck, listen to me-”

“No.” Buck interrupted. 

“Buck, please-” 

“Eddie, no.” Buck pauses, bringing his face to look at Eddie. He hated what he saw. He was pale, his palms had grown clammy, and there was very little brown dripping from his eyes.

“I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it.” He exclaims, his voice cracking slightly at the end. Like he was trying not to cry. But Eddie could see the tears welling in his eyes anyways, though it was soon hard to see while his vision grew blurry as well. 

“If you don’t listen to me you’ll hate yourself forever.” This makes Buck freeze. He doesn’t breathe despite his heart going a million kilometers an hour. The denial creeps up again. He doesn’t want to believe that this will be the last time he ever sees Eddie. The last time Eddie will ever say his name. The last time they’ll breathe the same air. 

But he knows Eddie is right. Time won’t stop for him. It didn’t stop when Bobby died and it wasn’t going to stop now either. 

Nonetheless, he hates it. 

“Please don’t.” Buck whispers. Desperation crawling at his throat. Eddie ignores it, swallowing the lump itching at his throat. 

“I need to say something. And I need you to listen.” Buck inhales sharply, closing his eyes. He refuses to look at Eddie when he says it. They both knew it. They had for a while. It had been an unspoken thing. Just a line they danced across for nearly a decade now, but they both refused to acknowledge it. The reason why also went unspoken for many years now. 

“I’m sorry.” 

This catches Buck’s attention. He turns his head to face Eddie, confusion clear on his face. It hadn’t been what he was expecting. And he didn’t know how to respond. 

“You’re sorry?” Eddie nods. “For what?” Buck asks softly, almost like he was afraid to answer. Eddie was never one to apologize. Not with words anyways. 

“When Bobby died.” Eddie watches as Buck tenses, but he keeps going anyways. “I wasn’t there for you. And I should have been.” Buck goes to shake his head. To tell Eddie it wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t mad. Both would have been a lie which is why Eddie doesn’t let him interrupt. 

“Don’t. Just listen.” Buck hesitates before nodding. “That fight we had, the night before Chris came home… I know you think I don’t think about it, but I do.

I think about it all the time. The things I said. The things I should’ve said. And the things I didn’t say. You were spiraling, and grieving and I made it worse. I know I should have apologized sooner, but I was a coward.” Buck doesn’t know where Eddie was going with all of this. Was it just so he didn’t have to die without any regrets? Just one last thing to get off his chest before he bites the dust? Buck didn’t want to think about that. 

“I’m saying this because I know what you’re going to do after this.” He ignores Buck’s shaking head, continuing his wavering words. “You’re going to hide from everyone. Try to convince them that you’re fine and that you don’t need help like you did with Bobby and I know we didn’t make it easy on you but you can’t do that this time because people are going to need you-” Buck finally snaps, whipping his head up towards Eddie.

“Stop.” 

“Buck-”

“No Eddie.” Buck interrupts. “Fuck, I wish everyone would stop telling me that. They don’t need me, and I don’t need them. What I need is you-I need you alive. I need you to wake up tomorrow and make Chris a horrible breakfast then you’ll have to call me to come make him something edible. I need you to have my back at work even though we’re not partners anymore. And I need you to tell me all those things will happen.” 

Buck takes a breath, heaving from his rant but still needing to say more. 

“So just tell me, okay. Tell me you’ll get to do all those things again. Just…. tell me you’ll be okay.” 

Eddie doesn’t say anything for a moment. He just smiles lightly at Buck, something sad hidden underneath it. But he wasn’t sad that he was dying. He was sad to have to leave Buck behind. Because he deserved so much more than loss, yet that’s all he seems to go through. 

“You know I can’t do that.” Eddie whispers into the dim lit elevator. The silence in between words was almost unbearable. It was haunting. Like the universe already knew Eddie was gone and was giving him a preview of what his life would look like when he woke up tomorrow. 

“Why not?” It’s pleading. Like every bone in his body needed Eddie to say he’d be okay.         

“Because I don’t want the last thing I say to you to be a lie.” Suddenly they weren’t talking about the bleeding wound. They weren’t talking about his survival rate or the fight. They were talking about the line they both knew about but never crossed. They were talking about the late movie nights, and sacrifices, and family holiday’s they spent together. Years of mutual feelings and finally being ready to face them. Eddie knew it was cowardly of him. And he felt like an asshole. Confessing his undying love for his best friend and then quite literally ghosting him forever. It was an asshole move, and Buck deserved so much better. And Eddie hates himself for not being able to give him that. 

“There’s this guy-” Eddie starts. Buck doesn’t let him finish. 

“No, Eddie don’t-”

“And he’s reckless, and will talk for hours and hours on end-”

“Eddie-”

“And he will look up stupid facts on the internet that he thinks no one listens to but because of him I know that Caesar salad was invented in 1924 and that the average person blinks around 14 to 17 times a minute even though I know he probably blinks like 30 times a minute.” 

Buck shakes his head, almost pleadingly. “Please don’t say it.”

Eddie ignores him. 

“But he has no idea how terrified I get anytime he runs into another fire, even though that’s his job, because I know he wouldn’t hesitate to stay inside just so that a stranger wouldn’t die alone.” 

The tears are falling freely now. Both their eyes running like a waterfall, or a broken faucet. 

“He doesn’t know I’d walk the ends of the earth just to be close to him, but I think that’s partly my fault.” He chuckles. He doesn’t wince. He doesn’t reel back in pain. He doesn’t really feel it anymore, and he knows that’s not a good thing but he takes pleasure in it. He didn’t have to spend his last moments in pain. He can just focus on Buck. And for the first time in his entire life, he thinks he finally has a clear mind. He knows exactly what he wants to say. What he needs to say. 

“I’m not that great at showing him how much he means to me, which is something I’m always going to regret. And I know I’m too late, but I don’t want to have any more regrets. I need him to know.” Buck hates it. He hates this. What Eddie’s saying. He knows he’s only saying it because he’s dying and Buck doesn’t want to listen to it. He doesn’t want to listen through Eddie’s farewell speech and how he was going to miss him, and all the things he wishes he would have said in life. He didn’t want to sit through another goodbye. Another person telling him they’d be okay after their gone. Another person telling him he needed to be there for everyone. To be the shoulder that’s constantly stained with everyone else’s tears. He didn’t want any of it. It wasn’t fair. What was fair was Eddie saying all of this before. Not now. Not when he could take his last breath at any moment. 

“No. You don’t get to say it. Fuck that.” Buck’s attempts at getting Eddie to shut up were useless. He knew it, but it didn’t stop him from trying. 

“I need him to know, that I love his random facts, and that I don’t think they’re stupid at all. And even though a lot of people hate it, I love that he explains every little detail about every movie we watch, because I’d much rather listen to him talk than listen to Thanos explain why he thinks it’s a good idea to wipe out half the universe.

“I love that he cooks, and bakes and the fact that I’ve never had to question whether or not he has my back. Not since the day I met him. Everything everyone else thinks are annoying about him, well I love every single one of them. And I love….” Eddie trails off. He knows there’s no point in speaking about Buck like he’s another person. They both know who he’s talking about. 

“Eddie….. Don’t.” 

He only waits a few seconds before he decides that’s long enough. He’s waited nearly a decade to say these words, even if he didn’t know he wanted to say them at the time, he doesn’t want to wait any longer. 

“…..I love you.” 

Buck doesn’t say anything. Just closes his eyes as he lets another tear fall. Eddie has to restrain himself from reaching up and wiping it away. He knows it would be useless. Another one would just take his place. 

Eddie exhales. “It’s okay Buck. It’s okay if you can’t say it back-”

“No.” Buck states harshly, whipping his head back and forth quickly, because fuck that. He wasn’t going to listen to Eddie tell him it was okay. Not again. 

“No. You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to wait eight fucking years and then tell me you love me when you’re dying, and you sure as hell don’t get to tell me it’s okay because it’s not. It’s not okay Eddie. How can you tell me it’s okay? It’s not-It’s not okay-it’s-” Buck cuts himself off, the panic creeping up once again, settling deep in his bones. His breaths become uneven and all Eddie can do is watch. Watch him come to the realization that he was going to have to watch another person leave him, knowing there wasn’t anything he could do about it. And it kills Eddie knowing he couldn’t fix it. And he didn’t want Buck to watch him die. To watch the life leave his eyes, his body go limp and cold. He didn’t want Buck to watch him become dead weight. 

“Buck.” He was still shaking his head, his eyes burning from non stop tears pouring from his eyes. 

Eddie slowly reaches for Buck’s hands, and pulls them away from his wound that was barely bleeding now. There was no point in holding pressure anymore, but Buck’s hands still shook once they were removed, still not wanting to give up. Not once in his life had he given up. But this time he had no choice. Nothing he said was going to stop the inevitable. 

Eddie kept his hands in Buck’s, refusing to let go. His own hands were steady unlike Buck’s who’s was practically vibrating through his skin. 

“I need you to close your eyes.” This makes Buck snap his head up, refusing to believe Eddie had just asked him that. 

“What? No.” Suddenly, all Buck wanted to do was look at Eddie. Trace over every feature like Eddie had done earlier, and he curses himself for not doing it when he still had more time. 

“Buck-”

“Eddie, no.” His voice was firm but it didn’t matter. Buck knew he’d do anything Eddie asked. 

“I can’t let you watch me die. I need to spare you at least that.” Buck shook his head once more, squeezing Eddie’s hand tightly. 

“Please don’t ask me to do that.” Eddie tries not to focus on the cracks in the words, the pure anguish in his voice, and continues letting his eyes wander across Buck’s face. He’d never let himself look for too long, but now he didn’t care. He couldn’t think of a better view to be his last. 

“Please Buck.” Buck must thinks this is what rock bottom feels like. Anytime he thinks he’s hit it, the universe will show him he can always go lower. Buck doesn’t think he can go lower than this. Not without Eddie by his side. But there wasn’t enough time to say everything he wants. And he feels like he should blame someone for that, but he doesn’t know who. 

“I’m sorry.” Buck whispers quietly into the dark. The words taste horrible leaving his mouth. They feel final. Buck hates that they are. But as one final tear leaves his now dark blue eyes, he finally closes them. He doesn’t let himself trace Eddie’s features one last time, because he knows if he did, he wouldn’t be able to close his eyes. 

Exactly three seconds later, Buck hears, “Thank you for being my friend. Even when I didn’t deserve it.” 

Buck doesn’t hear anything after that. He doesn’t hear anymore heartfelt words reassuring him he’d be okay, or the raggedy breaths leave his best friends mouth. But he can feel Eddie’s hands go limp in his own. He can feel his pulse beat into nothing as he clutches his wrist like a lifeline. Like it would magically bring him back. Like it would make his heart start beating again. 

Buck waits and waits for it. For a pulse. For anything. 

Nothing comes though. 

He can’t bring himself to open his eyes. To look at an Eddie that wasn’t breathing. That would never breathe again. He just cries harder, and tugs Eddie’s hand to his chest, cradling it with such care, and he wishes he would have been brave enough to do it when Eddie was alive. He was wishing a lot of things right now. But none of them came true. 

The rage doesn’t come. Not right away. Not until about ten seconds after Eddie took his last breath. But when it finally comes, he finally lets out the scream that had been itching at his throat for over an hour. 

“God dammit.” He cries out to no one. No one that will answer anyway. 

He lets Eddie’s hands drop beside him as he crawls over to the elevator doors. But all the bangs, and yelps and cries go unheard. He does this for about a minute before he sinks to the floor once again, covered in nothing but his best friends blood. Eddie’s blood. Eddie who had been dead for no more than two minutes and he was already losing it. 

He slumps in defeat, leaning back against the doors for a moment, before finally crawling back over to Eddie, keeping his eyes away from his pale and drained face. He just takes his hands back in his, hunching over them. He presses them gently to his forehead, and does one last desperate attempt to save him. To save the person that made life worth living. 

“Bobby.” Buck’s voice breaks off, but he keeps going not bothering to fix it. “I don’t know if you can hear me, and I know I don’t really pray but I figure if anyone were to listen to me right now it would be you.

“I don’t know if there’s anything you can do for him. But if there is, I need you to do it. Please, you can’t let him die. Not yet. Chris still needs him. The team needs him.” Buck pauses. “I need him. Just please, don’t take him.” He whispers it over and over, like if he said it enough, Bobby would know he was serious. 

Buck waits. Ten seconds. Fifteen seconds. Twenty seconds. Nothing happens, and Buck, after an hour and a half of holding onto hope that someone could come and save them from this hell, was finally letting it slip between his fingers. 

But then…..

Ding. 

Buck’s head shoots up. And once Buck opens his eyes and looks around he realized the lights had come back on while his eyes were closed. The elevator started to hum, and vibrate as it took them to the final floor. 

Then the doors open. 

He can faintly hear people calling him in the background but he doesn’t register it until someone is pulling him away from Eddie. Once his eyes finally adjust to the light, he can make out the image of Ravi crouching over him. Next he sees Hen and Chimney crowding Eddie, checking the pulse that isn’t there and yelling for a gurney and doctors that felt a little too late. He doesn’t hear much after that. He doesn’t even register that Ravi had helped him to his feet and out of the elevator, until he looks down and sees himself covered in blood. Not one inch of his pant legs was dry. Neither was his hands, and the sight made him want to throw up. He could feel the bile creep up his throat and he barely had anytime before his legs gave out and whatever he had for breakfast that morning spill onto the floor.

The lights are bright behind his eyes. And there was a loud beeping beside him that was just loud enough to be annoying. He groaned as twists his head, trying to get rid of the ache from being in the same position for so long. That’s when he noticed the dulling pain in his abdomen, pulsing at a steady beat. He winces, bringing his hand up to the bandages, trying to feel around for the wound that was no longer bleeding out, by some miracle. 

“Eddie?” 

Huh? Eddie peels his eyes open blinking rapidly to get used to the bright lights. And if he wasn’t in pain, he’d think he was dead and this was the light people say they see when their on there way to heaven. But when his eyes finally get used to the light, bright blue orbs are staring back. 

“Eddie.” This time he sees a smile cross Buck’s face, almost in relief. Eddie didn’t know how long he’d been out but based on Buck’s reaction he’d say it was at least a few days. 

Eddie hums, suddenly feeling more awake than he had a minute ago.

“Am I alive? Or are we both dead?” 

Buck lets out a nervous laugh, like he wasn’t ready to joke about it quite yet, but was glad Eddie was doing well enough to joke about it. 

The doctors came in and did more tests, checked his blood pressure, O2 etc. before they finally left, and Buck was allowed back in the room. While he was gone, he messaged the group chat to let everyone know Eddie was awake, then made a quick call to Pepa and Chris to let them know the same thing. They were both more than thrilled and relieved to know Eddie was no longer in the comatose state he had been in last time they visited. Right after they were both found in the elevator, they had brought Eddie into surgery, gave him a blood transfusion, and probably some other stuff that Buck blocked out. The doctors were hopeful that Eddie would be okay after a few days and that’s all that mattered to Buck. 

He had thought a lot about everything that was said when they were trapped. Or more so about all the things that weren’t said. The things he hadn’t said but he didn’t want to except the fact that Eddie was going to die. Buck’s just glad he didn’t, because he knows he would spend the rest of his life wishing he had said more. 

After thirty minutes, and a few phone calls later he was allowed back in the room. He cautiously opened the door, and shuffled awkwardly towards the bed. It took a minute for Buck to sit down and another five for anyone to say anything. There was so much they both wanted to say. That they both needed to say, but now that they were here, neither of them seemed to be able to get anything out. 

Finally, Eddie breaks the ice. 

“So, um,” He clears his throat, it being sore from not talking for days. “Where’s Chris? And everyone else?” The question was easy enough to answer, but it didn’t stop Buck’s throat from closing up. But he swallowed the urge to just break down and cry right here right now, and forced himself to answer. 

“Uh well, I dropped Chris off at school this morning. He stayed home yesterday but I told him he had to go to school today and that I’d call him if you woke up.” He pauses as a hint of a smile creeps up on his face. “He probably hates me for making him go now.” The smile is gone after that. 

Eddie nods. “And the team?” He asks nervously. By the time he was found, he had already technically been dead so he didn’t know if anyone else got hurt or worse. 

“They’re all on shift right now. They took yesterday off, but had no plans to stay out longer than that. I think it gave them something to do so they weren’t thinking about…. well everything.”

Eddie breathes out a sigh of relief. “So no one else got hurt?” 

Buck shakes his head. “No. No, just you.” 

The air in the dim hospital room was thick and nerving. Neither of them knew what to say next. It felt like all the words were floating in a cloud above them, but every second they stayed silent, the cloud just grew bigger. 

Eddie goes to open his mouth to speak, probably some other nonsense as to not stress out his body, but Buck doesn’t let him.

He takes a breath, keeping his eyes on the monitor across from him. 

“I didn’t say it back.” The words were heavier than they should have been. Maybe it was the fact that Buck wouldn’t look at him, or that he could feel the weight of the words by the way they came from his mouth, but regardless they were heavy. 

“When Bobby died….” Oh. Oh. “He told me that I was going to be okay. And that everyone was going to need me. He told me he loved me, but I kept telling myself I would tell him later when I knew he was okay because that meant there’d be a later. But then…. then there wasn’t a later, and I never said it back.” 

Eddie didn’t know any of that. He hadn’t asked Buck before. Yet another thing to regret. 

He stayed silent though, letting Buck get through all the thoughts in his head, thoughts that he’s clearly had for over a year now. 

“And then you said it. In the elevator, and I froze again. Because what are you supposed to say to that?” After a moments of hesitation he looks towards Eddie, tears welling up in his eyes for the third day in a row. “Why now?” 

Eddie answers after realizing Buck was waiting for him. 

“Why now what?” It was a weak attempt at trying to stall the inevitable question, but he had to try. Eddie wasn’t prepared to come out of this alive and it was really kicking him in the ass now. 

“Why did you tell me you loved me when you were dying? Why then? Why not that morning when I came over for breakfast? Or after I got kidnapped? Or when I took over your lease? Or even years ago when you first started feeling it?” The frustration leaked cleanly through his voice. And Eddie understood why, but it didn’t make it any less harder to answer the question. 

Eddie sighs, running his fingers along the bandage wrapped around his stomach. They had given him more pain meds which was finally starting to kick in now, though he could feel his eyelids start to droop and the high creep in. 

“I know it wasn’t fair to you. And yeah I probably should have told you sooner. But… I don’t know. I guess I was scared.” 

Buck nods, somehow finding it easier to keep eye contact. Maybe because he could tell the high was starting to kick in, by the way Eddie’s voice wavered just slightly, not too much to notice but of course Buck did.

“Scared I wouldn’t feel the same?” It would have been the obvious answer, but Eddie shakes his head, and sighs once again.

“Hmm, no. I was scared you would feel the same and then I’d have to let you down gently.” 

Buck tries to understand the words, and maybe it’s because Eddie was high, but he was pretty sure they didn’t make any sense. 

“I don’t understand. If we both felt the same way, why would you have to let me down gently?” 

Eddie smiles slightly, sadness hidden underneath it somewhere, and looks away to stare at the boring white walls in front of him.

“Because I don’t deserve you.” Suddenly the anger vanished. Dissipated into thin air at the confession. 

“Eddie-” Buck trails off, shaking his head. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Words didn’t seem like enough. 

“It’s true.” Another lengthy sigh. “I’ve ruined basically every relationship I’ve ever been in. And you and Chris, I mean you guys are the most important people in my life. I didn’t want to ruin that, not just for Chris but for you also. Because I know how much you need us too. I don’t think I could forgive myself if I did that to you.” His words are certain. And Buck hated it. How could he be so certain he wasn’t good enough for Buck? That Buck deserved better than him? Honestly, the thought never even crossed his mind. He wonders when it crossed Eddie’s? They had always been able to tell what the other person was thinking even without words. Buck wonders when he stopped being able to tell. Every time they walked the line of ‘more than friends but less than lovers.’ Eddie had been thinking he didn’t deserve Buck. 

Buck wishes he could talk about this when Eddie wasn’t high as fuck, but he had a feeling if they didn’t talk about this now, they never would.

“Do you really believe that? That you don’t deserve me?” 

Eddie shrugs mindlessly, like he wasn’t breaking Buck’s heart in half right now. 

“It’s not a hard thing to believe. I mean you’re….you. And I’m me.” 

Buck pauses, trying to find the words jumbled up in his mind, and for a moment he’s not quite sure what to say. But then he gets an idea. 

“Well,” he pauses, “let me tell you about this guy I know.” He continues as he sees the recognition fill Eddie’s eyes. “I’ve been on a lot of dates, flirted a bunch, but I can never seem to get this one guy out of my head. No matter how special these other people are, I’m always wishing they were him. Even when I tried really hard not to.

“He can get angry sometimes. Sometimes he says things he doesn’t mean. He picks fights, because it’s easier than saying what he actually wants to say. 

And I let him get mad, and I let him throw hurtful but meaningless words at me because I know anger was the only emotion he could ever feel freely growing up. And I know he never means them anyways, because I know him. And he knows me. But if he thinks I’m too good for him than maybe he doesn’t know me like he thought he did.” 

The confession hangs in the air, light but open. He’s slightly scared about Eddie’s response, but he can’t seem to wipe this stupid smile off his face. And as Eddie looks back at him, Buck realizes that he can’t either. 

Eddie clears his throat before responding. “Forgive me for being a little high but you are talking about me right?” 

Buck snorts, shaking his head fondly. He laughs as Eddie keeps going.                    

“Because this guy you’re describing feels familiar. Almost like I know him or something.” Eddie’s words are slurred slightly, feeling surprisingly well for someone who was stabbed a few days prior. 

Once their laughter calms down, and they settle into a more comfortable silence, Buck reaches over and grabs Eddie’s hand, keeping the promise to himself that if he ever got a second chance, he wouldn’t waste it. 

“I know everything is kind of complicated right now, with you being stabbed, and me trying to adopt Theo, but maybe we could like try going on a date, or something. You know once you’re healed and everything settles down. Only if you want to-it’s okay if you don’t-” Eddie cuts off Buck’s small rant with a smile.

“I think I would like that.” 

Buck smiles back, tightening his hand around Eddie’s. 

“Great. It’s a date.”