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It was 2 a.m. and you had been staring the ceiling for far too long. Had been left alone with your thoughts for far too long. So many thoughts.
You got up and started heading to the bathroom, careful not to wake Grim. It was a hard task to not make any noise in ramshackle. The floor was too squeaky, the doors always sounded like they were screeching, and you were always bound to trip and fall on something.
You did make your way to the bathroom without making too much noise eventually. You closed the door. It didn’t have a lock which was unfortunate but Grim was asleep and it’s not like anyone else would be here.
You turned the light on. The light wouldn’t stop flickering. You really needed to go the the school store and buy a new lightbulb, but between everything that went on at this school, you were always too exhausted to get out of bed in the little time you had to yourself.
You opened the cabinet under the sink. You reached inside and put your hand all the way to the back and grabbed a small box. Well it wasn’t too small but small enough not to be noticeable.
You undid the small clasp and opened the box. Inside there was a pocket knife, some bandages of various sized, razor blades, a broken pencil sharpener, a pencil, and some paper.
You grabbed the knife.
You had that knife on you when the carriage ran you over. No one knew what you were going to do with it. You were sure the people you knew back home found your note and assumed you were dead. They were probably looking for your body. But if you were being honest with yourself, they probably didn’t care.
You pushed the thought of that place away. It didn’t matter anymore. You were here. You weren’t ever going to see any of those faces again. You weren’t ever never gonna sleep on your old bed again. You weren’t ever going to see your childhood stuffy that you loved so dearly ever again. You hated home but, it was so familiar. You missed it, but you know you shouldn’t have.
You put your pointer finger on the blade and ran it along, leaving a cut that started oozing dark red blood. It was sharp enough.
You pulled up your sleeve and looked down at the old scars. You were lucky the uniforms had long sleeves. So very lucky. So very ungrateful.
You cut your flesh. Again. Again. Again. Again.
You knew this was wrong. You knew you shouldn’t have. But you’d always tell yourself,
“One more time.”
One more cut.
One more swipe.
One more slash.
“Just one more i promise I’ll stop”
“I swear I’ll stop this time just one more”
Until you were a bloody mess.
You didn’t cry. You didn’t think you could.
You sat there in the bathroom floor just looking the cuts. The cuts you carved. You didn’t put bandages on them. You didn’t deserve that.
Lilia would be so disappointed- they all would -if they found out what you do to yourself on the regular.
If they found out you swallowed those pills last week.
You knew that Lilia had some suspicions. You could see it in his face. He’d always ask if you were ok when you said “I love you” out of the blue.
You knew he knew something was up when you’d wear the same long sleeve shirt to every little sleepover you two shared. It was the only one you had outside of your school uniform. You’re so lucky Vil took you shopping and you were able to buy one that he didn’t hate.
Vil would be so disappointed to know what I was doing to the skin he called beautiful.
God you are such a disappointment.
Then there was a noise. It sounded like a knock, but not on the bathroom door. You completely froze and suddenly became aware of how loud your breathing was. There was silence for a few minutes.
Then the front door to ramshackle opened.
You’d recognize those footsteps anywhere. And you knew that if Lilia was here he’d want to see you.
Fuck.
What are you supposed to do? You couldn’t run to your bed and pretend to be asleep. You’d make too much noise and you were too bloody to get under the covers.
There were no windows in the bathroom so you couldn’t go outside. You had long sleeves on but they were light gray. If you pulled them down the blood would noticeably seep through.
You looked at the bandage box which had 3 medium sized bandages spilled on the floor. You didn’t remember doing that. You grabbed the box and-
Those three were the only three left.
That was not enough.
Panic completely set in. Lilia was going to be so mad at you. Why would you do this? Why are you like this? Why did you always-
There was a knock on the bathroom door that interrupted your thoughts.
He must’ve noticed the light flickering.
“Hey Yuu, are you in there?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” you said. You cursed yourself out in your head for responding.
“I’m sorry to bother you but I had a bad feeling and I’m a little worried about you. Is it ok if you come out?” He asked.
Damn Lilia’s good intuition.
“Um not exactly,” your voice was a little shakey. He was definitely gonna notice that.
“Why not? Are you ok?” His voice showed genuine concern. God you are gonna hurt him so much with this. You’re so stupid.
“Yes I’m perfectly fine,” you said and didn’t elaborate any further.
“Yuu…“ he paused, “I can smell blood.” The words seemingly barely escaped from his throat.
Your heart completely dropped. You were caught. He was never going to forgive you for this. You let him down. You let everyone down. You were so goddamn selfish.
“Yuu please let me in,” he says, “I’m not going to tell anyone and I’m not mad ok. I want to help”
You said nothing. You sit on the floor staring at the knife in your hand. Your heart was pounding, so was your head.
“Please respond. If you don’t answer I’m going to come in there.”
You, again, said nothing. What were you supposed to say? ‘Oh yeah I’m fine I just slashed my wrist’ you couldn’t say that, so you didn’t speak.
And if you were honest, deep down, you really wanted him to walk in and comfort you.
Lilia opened the door and you looked up at him. You were sure you looked so pathetic and stupid sitting on the floor with your dumb wrist slit.
“Oh darling,” his voice was so full of worry. You could see the fear on his face, in those beautiful pink eyes.
The fear for you.
You hurt him.
He sat down right in front of you and pulled out a bag you hadn’t realized he had. He looked into your eyes.
“Everything is going to be ok, Yuu. I’m going to bandage them ok?”
You nodded. You couldn’t even spit out words to the one who loved you so much to help you with this.
You put out your arm to help him.
He moved the box away from you and you dropped the knife and grabbed his wrist. You couldn’t let him take those away from you. They were your only true possessions. Everything else was a gift, or someone bought it for you, or you were borrowing it.
“Sweetheart, we both know it’s not healthy for you to have these,” he said. He cared so much for you. You didn’t deserve it in the slightest.
“I need them,” you said. You kept your voices as steady as physically possible.
His gaze softened a little. He used his other hand to grab your hand that was firmly on his wrist. He didn’t pull it away he just held it. “I know it feels like that. I know how much you think you need them. I know it hurts. But it’s ok.”
You let go after a few moments. He grabbed the knife, closed it, and put it in the box. He moved the box away and turned his attention to the still unbandaged arm.
He stood up, grabbed a towel from a shelf, and wet it slightly then pressed it on your arm to get rid of the blood.
“I’m sorry,” you sounded like you were going to cry but you knew very well that no tears were coming.
“It’s ok, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault honey.” He says that like someone else cut you up and not your pathetic ass doing it to yourself.
It didn’t take him long to get the bandaging done. Then he sat beside you.
“What happened darling?” He said as he pulled you in a sort of hug. You wrapped your arm around his waist and he put his arms around you, with one of his hands stroking your hair. You put your head on his chest. You both had sat like this before, but it was different then. It was nothing like this.
“I don’t know,” you state. You really didn’t know what happened exactly. All you know is that one thought lead to another and you ended up here.
“That’s ok,” he said, “you don’t have to know. Just know I’m always here if you need, ok?”
“Ok,” you leaned into Lilia. He was warmth laced with love and care. To you, he was your lifeline. Most of the time, he was the only thing keeping you from just killing yourself because of this school. There was one time where even he wasn’t enough though. You still felt so guilty about that.
“Um Lilia, I have something I think I need to tell you,” you said before thinking about what it was you were about to do.
“Yes?” He replied. He looked so worried.
“Last week, I- I bought some pills from Sam. I told him I needed allergy medication and he believed me. I almost left you and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so-“ the tears started flowing now. You didn’t think you had it in you.
“Shhh it’s ok, it’s ok. Did you go to the infirmary?” He asked, while he started wiping away your tears with that hand that wasn’t in your hair.
“No,” you sobbed, “you’re the only person who knows. I’m so sorry”
“No don’t apologize, you cannot control your emotions and that’s ok. No one can. But please, you can’t keep keeping all of this to yourself. Please talk to me ok?”
You nodded your head, trying to swallow your tears.
“It’s really late, you need some rest. How about we go to sleep and we both skip school tomorrow? You need the break,” he’s going to skip school for me. I really don’t deserve him.
“Are you ok with that?” You asked him.
“Me? This isn’t about me in the slightest. But if it’s a problem for you, I am 100% ok with this,” he smiled at you, “Come on let’s get you to bed.”
He got you up and over to your bed. He held you in his arms until you fell asleep. He fell asleep not long after.