Work Text:
How much of a tongue can I bite until we notice blood?
Spit to the left, carry on, just smile and say you’re good
- dodie, "Cool Girl"
I sit on the beach watching the ocean. The waves crest and flow, and I can’t stop thinking about the xenoanthropology lecture from last week comparing how different cultures handle death and disposing of the dead. Rites and rituals, burials and cremations. I look out at the ocean and think about what my funeral would have been like on Khionia. Volunteers take the body of the deceased to the deepest part of the ocean and let it sink. It’s supposed to be the people who care most about the dead, but at a certain social level, it’s never actually the people who care.
If I had died before coming here, Kaira would have volunteered but not actually been allowed to do it. She was too important to handle the dead. My parents would have volunteered, a dozen cousins, family attendants, and various social climbers. Most of them wouldn’t have meant it, it would have just been about appearances.
I remember my grandmother’s funeral, watching her body being carried out from the shore. My father and mother stood next to me while someone said words I don’t remember anymore. Afterwards, my father disappeared into his office, and my mother told me to go practice my belaklavion. My grandmother was not discussed again by either of them. Like all disappointments and problems, they simply ceased to acknowledge it.
I feel no surprise when the portal opens down the beach from me. A familiar Khionian man dressed in traditional armor steps through. He’s well into his 50s, graying and tired looking. My parent’s longest standing personal retainer. He handles security for the family and ran my combat lessons everyday from the day I turned seven until I left for the academy. What surprises me is the anguish on his face.
He was never a kind man. A good instructor, clear and precise in praise and correction, but never kind. Never warm. Always deeply professional, regardless of what I did. He steps forward with the family chalice in hand, and a look of pity burning in his eyes.
“Darem, I-” He starts to speak, but I cut him off.
“Rens, you’re not supposed to speak to me. Just go ahead. I know what’s happening.” He stares at me for a long moment. He keeps his mouth shut. He pours the contents of the chalice on the sand between us, and the liquid begins to smoke as acid scorches a dark line on the beach between us. Tears well up in his eyes as he turns his back on me. The portal closes behind him, and I look down at the line. A line drawn that can’t be crossed again. My parents’ stating that I am no longer their son.
“Reymi, what just happened?” Commander Reno’s voice rings unexpectedly in my ears from my commbadge. I came down to the beach so that this would happen in private, but I guess I stopped too close to campus. I look around, and the commander is on the path just barely in sight. “Did a man just come through a portal and throw acid at you, cadet?”
She jogs towards me, not breaking into a full run, but moving fast.
“It’s fine, Commander. He poured acid on the beach. It wasn’t anywhere near me. Just a message from home.” I get up and move towards her at a quick run, closing the distance fast so she doesn’t have to come all the way to me.
“Kid, that’s a pretty dramatic message from home when they won’t return a basic comm. Are you OK?” Her face is creased with worry.
“I’m fine, commander. It’s not a big deal.”
“Lying straight to my face, kid?” I feel my face flush, and I look away from her. “You don’t have to tell me anything, cadet, but I’ll listen if you want. We should head back to campus.”
“Aye, commander.” We walk in silence for a while. I don’t know how to explain. It feels stupid to tell her that I was supposed to get married, that I went through with it, and then the queen of Khionia told me she didn’t want to be married to me. Because I did exactly what I’d been trained to do my entire life. I put her needs first. I did what I was supposed to do, but it was still wrong.
Because that’s who I am, the one who does it wrong. And now… my parents have washed their hands of me, once and for all. It’s all so much to explain, and I don’t know what to say to her.
“I… the message was from my parents.”
“What was it?”
“That I don’t have to send them any more messages.” I hesitate to clarify it, but she looks over at me.
“Ever?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, kid.” She reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder. She squeezes gently. “Sometimes parents can’t really see the people we are. They only see what they want us to be and how we don’t fit. There are people here who see you.”
“So be happy with what I’ve got?”
“Happy? Probably over-selling it. Just remember you’ve got something. You made it yourself, and it’s still a work in progress, but you’re not alone.”
“Thank you, commander.”
“If you need to get set up with summer housing or anything, I can take care of it, kid. Just let me know what you need.”
We reach campus, and she gives me a last sympathetic smile, more of a frown with how she does it. She walks away and I stand quietly for a moment. I head back to the atrium.
“Bro! I’ve been looking for you. I gotta head out soon. If you’ve got time this summer, you should come visit, man!” Ocam sidles up to me as I come in, quick with a hug. As he embraces me, he holds me tighter than usual. He knows something’s wrong, but he doesn’t say anything. He likely knows I don’t want to discuss it now. I manage to nod and smile for him before he’s off again, moving fast but looking totally relaxed about it. I follow him to where SAM, Genesis and Jay-den are standing with Tarima. He goes into a complicated handshake with SAM. Genesis and Tarima hug. Jay-den turns to me.
“I hope you enjoy your break, Darem. You missed Caleb’s departure. I am glad you found us before our shuttle departure.”
“Is everybody on the same shuttle?” I knew people were heading out today, but I hadn’t realized they were all going as a group.
“No. Ocam, Tarima, and I are leaving soon. Genesis does not leave for a few more hours.”
“And then it’ll be just you and me until you head out.” SAM smiles wide at me from across the circle.
“I will message you when I arrive at New Qo’nos. I would… appreciate hearing from you. I do not like the idea of not being in contact for such a long period.” Jay-den’s green eyes burn into me for a moment, before he looks away awkwardly.
“I’ll message you, Jay-den.” I reach out my hand to put it on his shoulder. He looks back up for a moment.
“Good.” He nods, only the slightest smile on his face.
“We better go. Enjoy your break!” Tarima says it quickly, nodding to me as she grabs her bags. Ocam and Jay-den follow her away. Genesis and SAM move in next to me, each of them grabbing one of my arms and pulling me off towards our quarters.
“I’ve got to finish packing.” Genesis drags me into their room with them. I sit down on SAM’s bed next to her as Genesis begins to check through doors for anything she’s missed. She says she’s not done packing, but looking at her side of the room, I don’t see anything she hasn’t already put in her bag.
“How long are you staying?” SAM asks me, idly leaning against me.
“I… I don’t know.” I avoid looking at them, but I can tell both of them have turned their attention on me.
“You haven’t arranged anything yet?” Genesis’s voice is immediately in problem solving mode.
“Stuff got canceled. It’s not a good time for me to go to Khionia right now.” I attempt a smile for them. The looks they give me say that I did a bad job.
“You can hang out with me until you decide where you want to go.” SAM leans in to drape an arm over my shoulder. “I was planning to go to Tycho City tomorrow if you want to come.”
“Thanks, SAM.”
“If you’re not sure where to go, there are transports to Starfleet HQ every day. You can come hang out with me for a bit, and then head pretty much anywhere in Federation space. If you come next week, my dad will be fully back in work mode, and I’ll just be studying to see if I can qualify for captain’s track without Ake’s recommendation.” Genesis speaks quickly as she finishes checking the last of the drawers. Her inspection of the room completed, she turns to look at me again. “I’d honestly appreciate the interruption.”
“Sounds like you know what you’re doing to start at least.” SAM pats me on the back as she says it, standing up. “We’ll hang out on Earth for a week, and then you can meet up with Genesis and figure things out from there.”
“I’d hate to disappoint you ladies. Ocam asked me to visit Betazed, so I at least know where I’ll head once Genesis gets tired of me.” I manage a real smile for them this time. Genesis seems reassured now that a plan is in place, and SAM seems excited to have company.
“Right then. Lunch in the mess, and you can carry my bags to the transporter pads for me.” Genesis turns and strides out, SAM moving with her without hesitation.
“Should I grab them now?” I ask after them, looking at the three interlocking carrying cases waiting at the edge of Genesis’s bed.
“Yes.” Genesis calls back without turning.
“Aye, Captain Lythe.” SAM gives a laugh at my sardonic tone. I grab Genesis’s surprisingly heavy bags and hurry to catch up with them.
When Genesis says goodbye to us, she hugs SAM tight for a long time, and then grabs my hand.
“I’m booking your trip to HQ when I get to the shuttle depot.”
“I can-” I feel flustered by her insistence, but she cuts me off before I can actually protest.
“I’m doing it. You can change it if you need to, but you’re going to come see me. Priority one mission, Reymi.”
“Aye, Captain Lythe.” She laughs as she departs from us.
Once it’s just SAM and me, we wander the empty halls, talking about nothing and everything. There’s never a real pause because once SAM’s done with a subject, she always has another topic ready, a question or comment worth unpacking. She avoids asking me why I’m not going to Khionia, at least for now.
At 1900, the Doctor appears. The two of them have plans to watch the performance of some ancient Earth operas together. He invites me, but I beg off saying I need to eat and sleep if I’m going to get a workout in before SAM and I go to Tycho City in the morning.
I head back to my quarters with a box from the mess, and then I’m finally alone for the first time since it happened. I take a moment to breathe before grabbing my PADD to message Commander Reno about housing for the break. I have four messages waiting for me, and one is from her. One is my shuttle reservation from Genesis. The other two are from Kaira.
I open the one from Commander Reno first.
I’ve cleared your living quarters for the entire break. Don’t know if you’ll need them, but you have a place to stay. Let me know if you need anything. -JR
I message her my gratitude and then fire off a quick thank you to Genesis. Then I open the earlier message from Kaira.
It’s an official acknowledgement of my heroism during the Omega-47 crisis, clearly written by Quill. It also says there will be a formal state dinner with a Federation ambassador, Captain Ake, and everyone else who was on board the Athena. Official invitations will be sent once a date is agreed upon. It ends with a personal addendum that Kaira definitely wrote herself.
I’m proud of you. I love you. Look at you soar.
The second message was entirely informal, short and to the point, time stamped hours after the first.
I can’t believe they’ve done this. They will not be at any events with the Federation. You will not have to see them if you don’t want to. I promise.
I message her back, telling her not to hold it against them. I don’t want her to disrupt anything on my behalf, she’s already done too much for me.
Even as I send the message, I can taste the lie in it. She was right to annul the marriage, but I still resent her for it. I would have done my duty for Khionia, for her, and they would have been proud of me. I could have lived in service to her, like I’d been raised to do. Maybe I wouldn’t have been happy, but I would have been devoted. I would have still had parents. I would have had my life.
I lay down, not bothering to eat the food I grabbed, just tossing it out. At 0130 I wake up and start crying until I fall back asleep.