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What's a WAG to Do?

Summary:

shane is a wag and he loves every second of it... ilya maybe not so much.

or

my attempt at a texting fic

Notes:

this is literally just me fucking around and having fun learning to code. there is no rhyme or reason or plot. just crack, so pls don't expect too much out of this haha.

PLS HAVE CREATORS STYLE TURNED ON-- I'm not responsible for how this fic looks if you have it hidden

enjoy!

Chapter 1: one

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

WAG Central

Today, 6:06 PM

Cassie
guys, i need you to be so normal about what i’m about to do
like fr please don’t freak out and scare her away
Selena
wuh?
Lisa
When are we not normal?
In fact, we may be the most normal WAGs in the league
Layla
who is ‘she’.... new WAG, mayhaps? 👀
Cassie
yes, but this is a special WAG
ladies, may i introduce to you…
Caitlyn
oh my gosh, quit with the suspense!!!
tell ussss
Cassie
cap’s WAG, the lovely Jane!

Cassie has added Jane to WAG Central.

Hello, everyone!
Cassie
this is jane, ladies!
roz decided to finally stop gatekeeping her
Lisa
Ahhhh hi, Jane!
It’s so great to meet you! I’m Lisa Hayes, Wyatt’s wife :)
Caitlyn
hi hi!
i’m caitlyn dykstra, evan’s wifey
you can call me cait!
Selena
hello, i’m selena! nick choinard’s wife
Layla
Hi, Jane!! I’m Layla Boyle– Eddie Boyle’s wife. It’s so great to have you in the chat!
Cassie
^^^ this!!
don’t feel pressured to join in on any of our goofy conversations! we’re just happy to have you in any capacity that you want to join in
Hello, ladies! It’s nice to be here 🙂
I know that the Captain’s girlfriend/wife usually takes a lot of responsibility for social events and other things on the WAG side of things, so I’m sorry that I’ve been absent. I hope you understand if that’s not the position I want to take here. I have a very time consuming job and am not based in Ottawa.
Cassie
oh girl don’t even worry
i’ve grown accustomed to being HWIC (head wag in charge 😛)
plus i think zane would throw a fit if we moved team gatherings from our house. god forbid he doesn’t get a chance to use his precious grill worth than our mortgage
Caitlyn
don’t criticize a man’s relationship with his grill! at least bood cooks for you. i’m lucky if i can get a microwave cup of kraft mac n cheese out of evan
Layla
Eddie once burned one of those because he didnt add water to it 😐
I blame his mother for his lack of life skills because she refused to let him lift a finger growing up.
Cassie
i almost WISH bood didn’t know how to cook
if he makes me taste test one more smoked meat, the button of my jeans are gonna pop off and smack him in the eye.
Ilya is always trying to make me eat junk food that he knows is against my diet plan, so I get that
Sometimes I come home from work to a McDonald’s bag on my porch because he Doordashed me a Quarter Pounder thinking he’s the funniest person on the planet.
Cassie
so basically what i’m hearing is…
men suck whether they cook for us or not
Lisa
Hey, speak for yourselves!
When Wyatt doesn’t have a game? I, in fact, have a steaming hot meal on the table when I come home from work.
One that’s delicious AND meets all of my dietary requirements
Selena
blah blah blah my husband is so sweet and thoughtful and was written by a woman blah blah blah
after the collapse of ned fulmer, we now have lisa hayes
who needs a wife guy when you have a husband girl
Layla
NOT NED FULMER ASDFGHJKL
I almost don’t want to ask…
But who is Ned Fulmer?
Selena
oh, you sweet summer child
if you don’t already know then i won’t ruin your day
I’ll take your word for it.
Cassie
that’s the best course of action
last thing we want is another youtube drama rant
Selena
oh, you bitches love it!!
Layla
Wait guys, I take back what I said about the mac n cheese, lookie!!
I’m crying he’s so cute??
Selena
we love a man who gets his lady flowers without having to be asked!!
Nick got me a new diamond tennis bracelet out of the blue a few months ago and I nearly had a heart attack because he NEVER surprises me outside of my birthday or our anniversary
i asked what the occasion was and he said ‘just cause’... i damn near wanted to demand to see his phone bc ‘just cause’ sounds an awful lot like ‘i’m cheating and have a guilty conscience’
Oh my God, that’s terrible. Was he??
Selena
oh hell no, he would never
i have that man by the balls
my anxious self just immediately goes to the worst case scenario
I get that, it’s the same for me.
Lisa
You also go to worst case scenario or you also have your man by the balls?
Yes.
Cassie
LMAOOOOO JANE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL OUR LIVES?
WHERE HAS ROZ BEEN HIDING YOU??
That’s my fault. I’m not ready to go public and was nervous to talk to any of you guys or his teammates
If anything, Ilya had been bugging me about being more involved. I think he gets FOMO when he goes to BBQs and other team events and he sees everyone else with their partners
Layla
Omg stop you’re gonna make me sad for Roz. I’ll probably start crying if I see him sulking at a party again now that I know why he always looks so miserable
Cassie
stopppp next time he comes to my house i’m gonna wrap him up in a fuzzy blanket and force feed him homemade chicken noodle soup
this is making me feel maternal towards him
ilya rozanov is my baby and i need to protect him from this big bad world
Guys…
Ilya is a grown man with a dick and balls, he will be okay.
In fact, him feeling sad when I’m not there is karma for the fact that he farts in bed and pulls the covers over my head when I am there.
Layla
Ewwwww
Cassie
omg not the dutch oven🤮
Selena
all men are pigs and hockey players are most definitely no exception
Lisa
Oh hell no. With all that greasy garbage he consumes I just KNOW that shit was rank.
It was like an hour after he inhaled like three bowls of the sauerkraut soup he made us for dinner, so he definitely didn’t smell like roses.
Caitlyn
omg i walk away for twenty minutes to put the baby down for bed and i come back to us talking about rozanov’s atomic farts??
evan is asking why i look green in the face
i just told him and he has confirmed that roz has farts that could singe off your eyebrows if you stand too close
Selena
jane is a survivor
🫡
Oh no, I give back just as good as I get.
Ilya was convinced I gave him pink eye one time
Cassie
*gasp* jane, you animal!
Lisa
Jane, are we sure you’re not secretly a man? LOL
Caitlyn
PLOT TWIST! jane is actually jermaine
Well, that’s just silly. Of course my name isn’t Jermaine.
If I were a boy, then Shane would make much more sense.
Cassie
you’re the funniest person I think has ever graced this groupchat

Lily ♥️

Today, 10:45 PM

Lily ♥️
How is WAG group chat?
Have you all exchanged booby pics yet👀
You’re fucking sick.
We mostly just talked about how disgusting your farts are.
Lily♥️
haha funny joke
what did u really talk about
?
haha shane joke is over answer
shane
pls tell me u did not tell WAG group chat about my farts
pls shane i have reputation to protect russians do not fart stop

Notes:

i hope you giggled at some point during this

thanks for reading!