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It’s a new day. Completely untouched and his to make the best out of.
So, he starts the music and does his last tasks.
He makes his bed, better and tidier than before. The last shulkers are placed and sorted into storage. Anything he can think of is taken care of; any loose threads that need to be tied up so he can end the chapter.
He has known what he would do on this day for some time now. Whilst there was never an exact set date, he knew what needed to be done. If not for the hermits, then for his own peace and today felt right.
The way the sun hit his face when he woke up and the lightness of his step, the organized movement of his hands and his head working again for what feels like the first time in a long, long time.
Its all good. Its nice. Its… something. The whole thing kind of reminds him of a long arduous building project.
The planning takes time and energy but is integral for the rest to work out.
The first steps are the most exciting.
The following process tends to drag on but it’s still enjoyable.
Big leaps in progress and endearing details rekindle the fiery passion you have for the build but they can be quickly extinguished by mistakes.
It goes on and on.
Until the finishing stretches when everything feels like the beginning again and you are so happy to be there. To be able to say that you have made it through any difficulties until you achieved your goal.
Oh, the art of failing and getting back up. Always on the move to try again. The hermits are so good at that. They revel in the creative progress and if everything goes wrong, they are quick to help each other out.
Blue Creeper is the best example of that. Not a single call going unanswered. Not one.
But Xisuma is no artist. He doesn’t feel like a hermit either. Not for a while now.
It has been going downhill for so long he can’t remember when it started. But he does remember when it got worse. One of his greatest mistakes, causing bdubs to be put into harm’s way.
Yes, sure, he wasn’t the one who made the code in the first place but he also didn’t come forward and tell them about it when he became admin. He was unexperienced, distracted, focused on so many things and any other reason he could think of as to not have to say that he was a coward.
At any point in time, he could have just gotten it over with and done the right thing.
But no. He was afraid of the reactions from the others. It had been going well before so why now?
Never could he have imagined that the consequences would hit anyone other than himself.
Now, looking back, Xisuma wishes he had done something. So that he could have been blamed, talked down to, yelled at, anything for his hermits to be safe; void knows he would have deserved it.
He was so close to the answer, he could have had a good reason to leave them in peace a lot earlier.
Being lost in thought makes time fly so much faster and before Xisuma knows it he’s done. Everything is sorted, cleaned and put in order. You could barely even tell this base had been lived in any more than just being used as one big storage room.
With his affairs taken care of, there is no reason left to keep pushing the inevitable any further away, so he makes his way up one of his towers.
Xisuma takes his jukebox up to the roof with him.
There’s a sense of solace in the air when it isn’t completely quiet. Almost like he isn’t alone.
He used to enjoy being by himself every once in a while, working and building completely undisturbed. Now he needs a melody accompanying his day. That way he can pretend.
If the music where to stop? Well, Xisuma thinks that he just might make a really dumb decision when left to his own devices.
So, he doesn’t let it. He takes it up with him, nestling it into its own little spot, carefully fixing redstone mechanics to loop the disc that he put in. There is no need to worry about switching discs or anything, it’s not like he will have time to get sick of the current one.
He sits down and looks at the sky. As the melody restarts for the first time, Xisuma takes of his helmet.
He sets it down next to him but feels no need to reach for it after, so he lays back and surrenders his thoughts to the wind.
It whisps through his hair and caresses his face, wiping the faintest tear tracks.
It’s like time stretches, the clouds move so incredibly slow and the music? It doesn’t stop but it gets quieter, moving further and further away. At least it seems that way to him.
He can hear his own heartbeat.
Thump
Thump
Thump
It’s calm.
Thump
Thump
Thump
It’s still a calm rhythm but every beat gets heavier, first it fills his whole body, then his mind and then it feels like a mace hitting him over and over again.
It’s getting faster now.
Much faster.
He’s unnerved. Maybe scared? Anxious.
He needs to calm down. His head is bursting, it hurts so bad. Why can’t he hear the music? Music always calms him down.
It reminds him of a better time, when there would be campfire songs and laughter. When he could enjoy a melody by someone’s side, talking deep into the night about anything that they could think of. That’s why he made sure to keep it on.
He needs the music to stay on otherwise he will realize how far he has fallen.
He needs to hear something. Anything other than himself.
He could call someone.
But who?
They don’t want to talk to him. They still need time and space.
Time Xisuma can’t give but space he’s desperately trying to provide.
Is there anyone that still wants him at all?
He has barely said anything to anyone in ages. No one has come to visit and he just cannot intrude.
He was once before told to try again later. When things have calmed down, when people have healed.
But when do people heal? Recovery can take lifetimes. How will he know when it’s the right moment to make the first step or will they approach him when he is allowed back into their family? What if he tries to come back too early? Will the timer reset?
Does it really matter in this moment, with the situation at hand? Does he give up on caring for the future because he won’t have one? Or does he hold back just in case, for them? So that they would not have to remember his existence before it is null and void.
Does he allow himself one last hurrah despite the extended hurt this could inflict on the hermits?
They didn’t talk to him before they demanded Exiona be whitelisted. He was not a Hermit in this moment. He did not get to cast a vote. He was only expected to do his duties as admin.
They didn’t call him in when Scar and Jellie needed help, even though this would usually be the highest priority case for the admin. If Jellie were to get seriously hurt or worse, glitched out, no one would be able to help aside from him. If they didn’t call him then, then it was clearly still too early. He is still unneeded and his presence is unwarranted if not requested.
He only really found out about Grian through Mumbo asking if he could add Pearl to the server for his Recovery and Grian himself had, unlike with everyone else, not been delighted to see Xisuma at all. He was only asked out of necessity, so it must still be too early.
TFC called him in for a Blue Creeper that turned out to be made up. Which hurt, yes, because last time they did that it left quite unsavoury memories, but that’s fine. It was a Blue Creeper call nonetheless and all of those get answered. So, they had talked for a bit, but still, Xisuma left without a set time to be allowed back in. He left alone and once again no one visited or texted him after. No sign of satisfactory atonement yet. He still needs to wait. He needs to wait forever, so why not make life easier for everyone involved.
So, what now? He is actively working on ridding them of the source of a lot of their problems. He just wants to go out peacefully. Xisuma knows he wouldn’t safe himself. Not now. Not when he doesn’t deserve it. Not when he is slowly starting to feel the exhaustion plaguing his body again. Not when he, as much as he needs to also wants to leave.
But he doesn’t want to be alone. That is the problem. His mind is scrambling for a hold to pull himself out of despair because he’s afraid. He doesn’t want to die all alone. He has been alone for so long now.
But who would answer a call if not even just a message from him?
He couldn’t place such a burden on Bdubs. He has a whole new life to figure out now and Xisuma doubts he would even want to hear from him at all. Etho, Beef and Doc are really close to Bdubs and they are hybrids themselves, they won’t be too keen on talking to him.
Same with Jevin, Ren and Cleo. Joe will be with Cleo so not him either.
As far as he knows, Zedaph is still fuming because of the situation with Exiona so he is, together with Impulse and Tango, out for multiple reasons.
Scar is probably still recovering so it would be selfish to burden him. Same goes for Grian, which also crosses out Cub and Mumbo since they’ll be at their side, helping where they can.
Hypno, Wels, XB and False are most likely busy or have enough on their own plates for him to just barge in with something so menial.
He already talked to TFC and hardly wants to bother him any more than he already did.
Xisuma and his brother have not talked ever since that day. He would rather not start now. He can live a good life here on Hermitcraft. A good life without Xisuma ruining it all again.
That only leaves Keralis. Sweet, loving Keralis.
He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. By his own logic it would be a bad idea to call Keralis.
Every argument he has made up somehow fits for him. So, there is no way he would want to hear Xisumas voice. But maybe… there’s just the slightest chance. A sliver of hope? That all these years mean enough to him that he will extend an olive branch and just stay for a bit?
That this will show that Xisuma is not just a burden.
If he was to still believe in Xisuma.
He could be just on time.
His heart is still pounding as he opens the contact for Keralis and presses call. This is it.
His communicator rings…
And rings…
And rings…
Until it doesn’t.
He really wishes it stopped ringing by being answered. But there is no answer. There is no one on the other line.
The call didn’t connect.
Keralis did not pick up.
It did have the intended effect though. He can’t hear the overwhelming pounding of his heartbeat anymore. Everything is deathly quiet for a bit until the melody comes back to him.
Quietly playing in the background, completely unchanged to how it was before.
There is no saving grace, no fantasy to change the outcome. He is still alone but at least he can dream.
The Hermits aren’t unfair. They stand for what they think is right. They stand for their found family. They stand for each other. They stand for unwavering love. If they judge they do so unanimously.
Xisuma is still afraid, but he knows it’s for the best, so now, as the only Hermit currently present, in nothing but name, he has decided. He finally got to cast his vote. A unanimous decision.
He can’t really tell anymore but he’s probably crying. Silent tears because there is not enough air to sob. His arms shield his eyes from the sun and hide his face for one last time.
How ironic. He thinks he has gotten sick of hearing this music disc.