Archive of Our Own

That dream a couple days ago, I can't stop thinking about it.

It made me so happy to hear Kris say we're friends! Just walking around that unfamiliar world with them, I felt so much more at ease. I'd forgotten I was even dreaming to begin with! It was no different from playing pretend as kids.

Would it be selfish of me to wish it were real? After all, the world was seconds away from being swallowed by darkness. But it's all still so vivid in my memory, it's hard to believe it was never real in the first place. X)

It really must just be wishful thinking. Like, the most unrealistic part (kind of? A lot of it was unrealistic OK? XD) was just getting to be around Kris so casually again. I wouldn't mind dreaming like this more often, faha.

I can't believe I told Susie earlier that we just happened to hang out a lot. I totally lied!!! To SUSIE no less! :( Sometimes… it really does feel like we did though. I'm not sure why, I never doubted it so strongly way back then. Well, I mean… it's not like the thought never crossed my mind.

Gosh, what would they think if they heard me say all that to her. I mean, obviously I'd hope they disagree!! But also… if they didn't, I probably would've ruined every chance to ever patch things up between us. Not that that was realistic in the first place, faha! But the thought still really stings…

Why did it feel so awkward to tell Susie we were friends??? Maybe it`s because of how close her and Kris are getting? It seems like she knows them entirely differently from me. Like we are barely talking about the same person… Did Kris really change that much?

Would I be hurting them by pretending to know them "better" in a sense? Just because we used to be close? Did they ever really see me as a close friend? Was it only convenience to them?

Oh Noelle, you're just being silly, don't go overthinking like that!^^

But I guess there's no way to know for sure. Unless I asked them of course, faha… Even then, why should they tell me. We haven't talked like that in years… Asking them would be super ridiculous and expecting a proper answer even more-so.

It barely feels like I'm talking to Kris at all when I do these days, so I doubt any answer coming from them would help me feel better. I'd do anything to hear their deadpan, mumbly voice again. I remember it so clearly and still… Not even my dream could force it out of them.

I feel so bitter typing all this… Am I being jealous? But of what? I was alone with Susie for most of the day after all! AND she invited me to the festival!!! And yet I can't stop thinking of Kris.

Just what moved them to play the piano again today anyway? It felt… strange. Don't get me wrong, I loved it! I really did! It's just… it's been so long since I last heard them play. Or anyone really. I felt so taken aback by it. Susie had to snap me out of it because that was all I could focus on in that moment… Oopsie X)

Gosh, can you believe? Having Susie right in front of me and her not being the center of my attention?? XD Kris took me back in time, just like that. It was like nobody but us two existed for a bit. Just Kris, me and their wonderful piano playing. It was so nostalgic. I wonder if they also miss being able to play it so freely.

I'd love to go back. I just wish to spend more time with them again. It was super nice to have both of them over today but… I can't help it. I want our friendship back. It wasn't perfect. I could've definitely dealt with a couple less pranks! X) But now?

I'd take any prank they'd come up with… I just know, I'm still in safe hands with them…

Honestly, I really miss how they used to call me Elly. I know, I know! They were only ever trying to emulate Dess! But it always felt so precious. Is that too silly?

I just miss being close with them. I miss being able to call them a friend. Being able to hang out so often and being able to reach out without worry. I miss them so dearly.

I miss you, Kris.

Do you… Do you miss me?

Do you think of me at all?