Does he see the blisters on his own hands when he holds hers to his heart? Does he realize the two of them are projections of each other’s pain? They’ve trudged forward for hundreds of years, exhaustedly brushing their aching fingers against one another’s until they found purchase. Neither of them will say how much it hurts.
He memorized the sound of her weeping, wishing he had better grip on the sound of her laughter. Time has given him distance from it, but the memory is etched to his being. Now her kindness paints an altruistic smile on her face. What if he were to kiss the farce off her lips? What if one day they finally allowed themselves to feel the pain they try to hide from one another?
“You know you’re safe with me,” he tells her as their fingers go numb from this inextricable grip they are too afraid to lose.
“But are you safe with me?” she asks so quietly that it’s barely a whisper, wondering if he’ll ever hear her doubt as viscerally as he bears her suffering. Wondering if she even wants him to.
He’s so precious to her. A vibrant amaryllis blooming in the center of a wasteland. Chōki belongs to her, lives for her, fights for her. And so she will give meaning to that strength and purpose to their sacrifices. She will not lose him.
“Let’s go home together,” he says when desperation becomes her weapon. His arms are so inviting. His embrace is so certain. Does she want to surrender to the sound of his voice? To her blessed vessel, the amaryllis that continues to brings her peace, safety, stability, and love?
She is taken back to when they found each other’s wounded hands and clung to them for dear life. How badly she’d wanted to take care of him then. She wanted to save them all. Live and fight for the family they’d both lost.
He kept every promise to stay with her, and continues even now. She can’t bear it if she can’t protect her family too.
“Kazuma,” she says, like a kiss goodbye. Like an apology.
She pushes him away, ignoring the ache it leaves in her heart just as she swallowed her own pain for the benefit of her shinki. This she has always been good at.