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6 years of constant torment wasn't enough for the parasites living inside my mind. They wanted fear, horror, pain. All of my vulnerability, cries, sobs. All of the suffering. They fed off of them. They kept growing stronger and stronger.. stronger than ever. Stronger than yesterday. They wanted to corrupt my life into a misery, a dark hopeless graveyard filled with my soul and dreams buried deep within. Slowly bit by bit shattering the center of my brain, destroy my sanity, take over my soul eventually.
I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder by my psychiatrist a while ago. A nightmare fuel burning my life into pieces, making me suffer in its claws for that long ever since. I've been receiving psychological treatment, I have therapy sessions every week. Despite it all, I loved my therapist. She was a great, calm person. It always felt like a safe space in her little room, a place where everything is kept inside and no one is allowed to see or hear any of it besides us. She always listens to my words carefully and helps me to understand my emotions and struggles, finding a solution for them. It's been a few years since I've been diagnosed yet never showed any signs of improvement. It always came back. It always will. I will never be free from my own mind, the monster that no one but me created. Here I am, having another panic attack, not even knowing what triggered it. It was always the same story.
Nothing I did worked.
After doing every single activity my therapist recommended me to do, it was futile. They kept coming back. They always will. I was starting to lose faith in getting healed and be free from my trauma. I was a hopeless soul. I tried counting to 100, playing word games by myself, writing my feelings on a paper but that made it worse. Why didn't it work? Wasn't that supposed to help me calm down? Feel better? Made everything pass and stop like my therapist and the others said? This wasn't supposed to happen. If it did work for everyone, why didn't it do the same result for me? Am I just different in a concerningly horrible, worrying way? Was I incapable of getting better? Was I untreatable? Am I stuck like this forever? Was everything just a lie? Did they lie to me about my condition being possible to heal or about my illness? Did I had something thats worse than anxiety? Am I going insane?
Did I.. Did I... What if..
It was all too much. It was starting again. Panic took control of everything as I got up and rushed around the house like I just got horrible news about my health and was about to die soon. That's what it felt like.
...Did I had a brain tumour?
Is that why nothing worked? Is that.. why..
"No.. No. It- It's fine, it's fine. It's okay- nothing's wrong. No.. it's okay. It'll be okay-"
Barely understandable and audible mutters came out of my mouth in a pathetic attempt to calm myself down.
"It's fake.. It's fake- It's okay.. It's not real. Please stop."
Please stop.
What a miserable, pathetic plead. It never listened no matter how much I told it to for 6 years.
I was too drowned inside my own torture chambers of panic to notice the sound came inside my room, possibly from somewhere around here and suspiciously came near my closet. I couldn't focus on anything, any of my surroundings, even my body.
The pair of golden eyes appeared like it responded to my prayers, felt my pained voice and my silent needs of a comfort haven. He heard me unlike anyone who ever did. I couldn't exactly understand where he came out from but my mind was too busy with dealing with the intense earthquake happening inside of it to think logical. I didn't even care about the concerning fact that he might have broken into my house.
Maybe I did. A little. But I needed any kind of comfort from a presence. Even if it had potentials to be a monster in a traveling horror circus filled with others of his kind who feast on and kidnap humans.
(lol)
I could feel his golden eyes carrying every bit of worry and concern piercing against me.
"My dear.."
He said while he was deciding on whether to approach me or not to not scare me even more than I already am. He began taking slow and gentle steps. He seemed to have sensed my panic. His extremely worried voice felt so.. warm. So welcoming. Like it belonged to an angel who came to show me the light to help me find my way in the dark. To soothe my pain and came to give me the solace I needed all this time long.
"P- Pierrot..?" My voice was so weak. My body was trembling. I was fucking pathetic.
"My dear- please.. don't be scared of me. I do not wish to harm you.. Please."
... I wasn't scared.
But I probably should be. But I don't want to. I didn't feel like it. Though, I still had a few questions that lingered at the back of my mind.
"H- how.. d- did y-.." I couldn't finish it. I was so miserable to the point of not even being able to finish a single sentence.
"Please, don't worry about that my dear. I promise you I didn't do anything. I just.. want to hold you.. to protect you. I want to help you with the things you're going through. I want to be the presence you find comfort in."
His eyes, his presence shined upon the graveyard I was stuck in filled with my dreams and hopes. Filled with my own self. It felt like his voice only could make them revive and come back to life. He could extend his hand towards me while I was stuck under my own weight. His voice carried the cozy warm blanket I could hug to after battling with the freezing cold that's only mission was to kill me.
He heard me. He heard my pleas and cries. He felt my aching chest seeking for solace. For the warmth that overcame my body from a hugging presence. So I let him.
Pierrot immediately held me in his arms. He didn't needed to be asked twice. I cling against his body instantly like it could save me. Before I knew, tears formed in my eyes against my will as I was met with his warmth and words.
"My dear, you're okay. You're safe.. I promise you. Everything is okay. I'm here now my dearest. You're safe with me. Nothing is wrong.. Just feel my touch. You're healthy, you're okay. It's all in your mind. You're safe. Everything is okay. I need you more than I need to breathe. Or to not breathe. To eat. To live. I needed you since I saw you. My heart aches for you. It pumps the blood for you with hope filled inside it."
"I love you, my dear.."
I love you.
The 3 words that could heal one's soul broken with illness and change their life forever.
He loved me.
I let him heal and soothe my thoughts. We stayed together like this for a while, I didn't know how long. I couldn't keep track of time. I didn't care. Time didn't matter to me anymore as long as his soul stayed right by my side. As long as someone held me and protected me from my mind. As long as someone loved me.
"Pierrot?" My voice broke the comfortable silence. It was raspy and weak from the panic attack I went through.
"Yes, my dear?"
It was unbelievable how he had the ability to soothe my heart and fade all of my worries away just from his voice alone. His voice sounded like the warm cozy blanket wrapped me around to protect me from winter. I wanted to drown in it. But I had to ask my question. I had to know how his presence came out of nowhere inside my house.
".. H- how.. How did you came into my house?"
Silence.
He was frozen, his hand that was stroking my hair paused as well. His entire mind went blank. For a second I thought I broke him or killed him.
"P- Pierro-" He didn't give me a chance to finish my sentence.
"My dear, p- please do not panic.. Please. The last thing I want for you is to be scared of me." He was the one panicking now, his golden pupils shrieked in fear. "I- I followed you home. I needed to know you were safe. I needed to see you.. I know this all sounds crazy but.. you lighted my world like no one else. Your soft, loving smile that helped me.. you proved me wrong. You showed me you didn't held a single loath filled wickedness inside you like all the others do. You never held the intentions of wanting to tore me apart and watch me bleed for your own laughter. I could see it in your eyes.. You're like the blossoming flower in a world of filth. You're my angel, my dear.."
I was completely speechless as he finished. Now I was the one who was frozen after his words. No one has ever said these things to me like this before, no one would bother to ever waste their breath on for someone as worthless as me to hear those beautiful words.
What was it about me that mattered to him so much?
I couldn't stop the tears flowing from my face once again. It felt wrong to hear him speak to me like that. Like I didn't deserve to hear those. Because truly, I don't think I was worthy enough to hear them. I didn't think I was capable enough to fit those words. It didn't shock me that much as I noticed the thought that ran through in my head for one split second.
I'm nothing.
I wasn't special.
I was just a blank void of nothingness. That's how much I was worth.
"Pierrot.." was the only thing I could mutter. My thoughts were frozen in my head. The words couldn't climb up from my throat.
It just didn't feel right. Was I really that important to him? It felt.. wrong. It felt like I never fit into how he talked about me. I never felt special, I wasn't used to being a special person for someone. I'm not used to feeling worthy. It didn't feel like I was. My mind which was used to all the low, negative self talk and being nothing was refusing to hear or believe how much I meant for him. No matter how much he showed it. I was used to no one giving a fuck about me in the slightest. I was used to being the outcast. An extra character that didn't matter, that has no use to the plot of the story. No point in living, not worth watching its existence.
Then why did my chest felt heavier with all the emotions building up each passing second? They struggled, itching to break free and let go. I couldn't handle the impact of his love and care for me. I couldn't help it anymore, I finally break down into tears. I had enough of letting the emotions build up all this time long. All the pent up anger, the sadness, the loneliness, not being good enough through all this time finally got out. It was too much. Everything was too much.. I throw all of them out as I cried and sobbed against Pierrot. He didn't ask me what was wrong, didn't push me to explain which I was grateful for. He just immediately held me tighter as if to shield me from everything and letting me throw away every torture my brain made me feel.
At this exact moment I realized how much I actually needed him in my pathetic little life. All this time I was seeking for the golden eyes offering me everything I've craved for. I needed someone to save me from the cage I've trapped myself in.
I cried on him for God knows how long. He didn't worry about my ugly tears wetting his costume. He only cared about me and my feelings.
I used to be alone.
Alone wasn't enough to describe my inner torment I went through. How much I yearned for the love that I would keep seeing others receive. I never had anyone else beside me while their surroundings were filled with everything I wanted. How did it feel to have the puzzle piece that fit perfectly on the blank spot of my life that has been searching for the right person for so long? All I ever could do was stare helplessly and wishing I could feel the same warming feelings that would come along with the experience and happiness of fitting in, not worrying about being left out and alone that others had the chance to feel. No one bothered to hug, cherish me, love me. Oh I couldn't even begin to explain how much I've tried, put effort into talking with others, trying to join in to their group, share my world with them, it was all limitless. How hard was it to make a friend that shares a piece of their heart with yours? Having an actual friend that filled the meaning of the word "friend."
Easy for them to say, "Make friends", "talk with them", "have a social environment". If only it was that simple enough. I tried so hard to get on their good sides, always smiled at their face, doing extra even if I didn't want to because deep inside, I gave a shit about their opinions about me too much when they didn't about me in the slightest. I wasted all of my energy on looking for validation from others with desperation that I don't have energy left to spend in loving myself. I couldn't stop for a moment to breathe, to heal myself. I didn't listen to my heart or my feelings, let myself drown in the void of unworthiness as I thought that's what I deserved. I always used to believe there was something wrong with me that prevented people from liking me, believed I was as useful as a random piece of trash just thrown away on the street forever.
I failed to notice my worth and my feelings. I always hated myself.
And now, with Pierrot coming into my life, it was like I just experienced a unexpected explosion meeting with his love. It felt.. weird. Strange. In a unusual way. It was like someone overly caring, loving and wasting their time to a banana peel for no reason at all. All of my life, not even one person I tried to please carried just a little bit amount of love Pierrot has towards me.
"How do you feel now, my dear..? Do you need me to hold you a bit longer?" His voice broke the silence after I calmed down. I, once again, didn't realize how much of the time has passed.
I stayed silent. I didn't know what I wanted.
He spoke again, unexpectedly offering me, "Would you like me to teach you how to bake Brigadeiro?" His voice sounded hopeful, like he has been meaning to do this activity with me for a while.
"Pierrot.. I can't- I can't bake, I know you'll teach me but.. I don't know how I'm gonna do- I'll mess up, The kitchen will be a mess, I'm not talented, I won't be able to make a good desser-"
"You're overthinking again, my dearest." He cut me off politely with his soft voice.
"Trust me, my dear. Nothing will ever happen. It's alright. It'll be alright. Come on.." He gently helped me get up, holding me against him tightly. He knew I was a little woozy from my breakdown earlier as he was doing his best to be careful and gentle with me. I'm not sure if I could do it, but he was trying his best to cheer me up and distract me from my thoughts. And I needed it.
He led me to the kitchen, didn't need any help to find where it was like he owned the house. I guess I should've suspected how he managed to find the kitchen in an instant without needing any help but my mind was too foggy to worry about anything more.
"Do we.. even have the ingredients to make.. B.. Bri.. Briga..?"
The silent clown's smile widened, chuckling at my miserable attempt to pronounce the name of the dessert. I figured he would find it cute and amusing at everything I do. "It's Brigadeiro, my dear. And yes, we do have the basic ingredients to make at least a decent Brigadeiro. Don't worry, my angel. It's simple to make. I'll guide you through it carefully. Don't worry about anything."
I couldn't figure out if he has some kind of magic spell over me, or if he was naturally born with a soothing voice and him having a way with calming words that always had the effect of making a person feel safe, like nothing was genuinely wrong.
Safe..
Again, he took out the needed ingredients to make the Brigadeiro without needing help, finding them in an instant suspiciously. Too quick. Like he already knew where they were located and he opened the right cabinets to take out the sweetened condensed milk, cocoa powder and unsalted butter. He moved so confidently, so efficiently like this was his own house.
Then he gestured with his finger for me to come closer.
"Now, my dear. First, we put this pot on the stove, putting it on medium or low heat." He explained gently with his soothing voice, slightly massaging my shoulders to calm me down and ease my tense muscles. I nodded understandingly, doing what he told me to do.
"Now.. 2 tablespoons of butter. I got them ready for you, my dear. Go on, put them in the pot."
We watched it melt after I put it. He was already praising me with his soft words, so proud and extremely happy like a little puppy as I did such thing as simple as putting a butter in a pot.
After we added the sweetened condensed milk and stirred them, we added the cocoa powder and now we were stirring it again. Pierrot added apparently it needs to be stirred for 15-20 minutes. He was watching me lovingly with heart shapes in his eyes as I was focused on stirring it. This.. wasn't so bad at all. It was relaxing. In this cute little moment I spent with Pierrot, I actually completely forgot about my struggles and my own enemy; my mind.
After about an hour and half, we were done. It didn't end up as a disaster like I was anxious about earlier. They looked definitely so good. But of course, it was Pierrot who helped me. Not like I was a good cook or baked a total masterpiece. But.. The Brigadeiros looked.. so tiny and cute!
"You did it perfect, my angel.. They look so amazing. I'm proud of you my dearest." He suddenly planted a soft peck on my forehead. I was a bit caught off guard but didn't dislike it. Not at all. In fact, I found myself secretly craving inside for more.
"B-but it was mostly you.. You kind of made it with me so it's not really--"
"Angel." His deep sudden voice instantly cut mine. He sounded.. a bit angry.
"What does it take to actually accept and love what you did, my love?" His golden gaze was now pierced and stabbed right through my soul. I've never seen him like this before, at all. He then sighed softly.
"I know it's hard for you, my dear. You can't see your own beauty and worth yet, but I swear... I will prove it to you. I will prove you're so much more than you consider yourself as. You'll see you mean the world to me. I will show you what it's like to be loved, cherished so much it will never appear foreign to you ever again." He promised, his gloved hands caressing my cheeks.
"... Do you mean that..?"
"I never meant anything more than what I said right now in my entire life of centuries, my angel. I love you."
I love you.
"I love you too, Pierrot."
As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I could see him almost bursting of happiness and joy. He reminded me of a little puppy whenever he was like this. It was so.. adorable.
Under the lights of stars up in the sky, we slowly munched on the Brigadeiros we baked together. Truthfully, I was the only one who ate them. Pierrot told me about a rule they had in the circus, which required them to not really eat or drink in front of the others for some reason but he told me not to worry about this basic rule they had. He also reassured me that he thought they would taste good. He said he would take a few of them to the circus to eat them later once he was hungry. Now, we were at my balcony, sitting and eating in cozy silence. They didn't taste like a complete disaster that's threatening to kill my tastebuds as I was expecting since I made them. For some reason, I couldn't get myself to accept I did something right for once. I couldn't accept I made these delicious Brazilian desserts. That's how much I lacked self trust and worth in myself.
I tried to push away my thoughts and focus on the present now.
Because that's what it mattered.
Not past, not future.
But present.
What mattered now was him, sitting with me, loving me, watching with an adoring gaze that promised me all the world and every love he gave me as I ate our desserts, stargazing together.
I always thought I was a hopeless nobody with no destiny to have someone with me. But apparently there was.
Fate always had surprises for you. No matter what they were. But it was important to know there are good ones in it too. It contained your deep wishes, your dreams and your hopes, what you were always seeking for deep inside.