Archive of Our Own

In this universe of uncertainty where even time was inconsistent, Ulrich had grown to appreciate the things that remained the same. It was like the control variables in his life for him to measure against- if I do this, how would this person react? What is the limit to their patience? If you had to choose between choosing the track with 5 people on it or pulling the lever so that the trolley runs over me instead, who would you choose?

Anyway, some such consistent things were: Regulus failing to do her work; X and Medicine Pocket causing some sort of serious breach of conduct once a fortnight (at least); the coffee’s chemical composition changing slightly every 2 months; achieving second place on Pi Day and Adler.

Well, he supposes that Adler had actually changed a fair bit over time. From his younger, more smiley self to the broken man after the “Storm”, before slowly becoming the still pessimistic but slightly less despairing person of today- Adler was at least always there. A constant pain that never fails to evoke some sort of reaction from Ulrich, either positive or negative. And really, he is actually glad that he’s changed. After all, he wouldn’t be him if he hadn’t.

And wasn’t that a funny thought that really, desperately needs more brain power diverted to it? Ulrich decides that writing his department’s finance report can wait for a second and tries to imagine what he’d do if Adler acted like his younger self in current day. He plugs in those control variables in his head, sets the dependant to ‘Young and Happy Adler’ and conducts his thought experiment.

The colleague next to him side-eyes his boss, who all of a sudden sits up from his desk and stares straight at the wall.

For a while now, Ulrich’s daily routine has involved Adler barging into his work space every morning to slam a mug of coffee on his desk, before crossing his arms and saying something snarkily. From there, there were three options:

One: leave (dramatically) - 20% chance of happening.

Two: engage in an intellectual discussion/start work - 30% chance of happening.

Three: rage bait each other into an argument - 50% chance of happening.

So Ulrich decides to simulate the initiation of an argument since it was the most realistic outcome.

“Good morning, Adler.” Ulrich says in the hypothetical, “I see you’ve once again put another chip in my mug.”

He then holds the mug up for Adler to bask in his mistakes.

“Hello, my darling and most beloved Ulrich.” says Ulrich’s hypothetical Adler, “Fuck you. Let’s argue- it’s our favourite past time.”

“Very wel-”

Wait! Ulrich bonks his head with his hand. This is not how Adler would act! He’s supposed to be young Adler- an awkward and polite disaster of a human. He changes the inputs.

“Good morning, Adler. I see you’ve managed to chip my mug again. Pathetic.”

“O-Oh, I’m so sorry Ulrich, I’ll get you another one!” says ‘Adler’ before speeding out the door.

Ulrich sits back surprised in both his scenario and real life. What a horrible interaction! It disgusts him greatly. In fact, would he even initiate an argument with this version of Adler? Would he give him coffee? Maybe he should try the intellectual debate.

“Good morning, Adler.”

“Guten Tag.”

Hmm, so what would Ulrich say to this young Adler, who he presumably doesn’t share an extensive past with? Thinking back on it, he actually used to wear fitting clothes. If Adler turned up now looking like he wasn’t dressing blindly in the dark, he would certainly intellectually question him.

(With disgust) “What the hell are you wearing?”

Maybe he wouldn’t say that.

(With fear) “Why do you look so put together?”

Or that.

(With anger) “What’s wrong with you today?!”

Ah, that’s better.

The young, conscientious man would look at him confusedly and probably run a hand through his not-overgrown hair in apprehension. “What do you mean?”

“Look at yourself!” he’d then point, “What are you wearing?”

No matter what kind of fictional tale Ulrich spins up of Adler in his head when he’s supposed to be doing literally anything else, he will never fail to include at least one confused look in it.

“Uhm. Clothes..? Is this not part of the dress code?”

“Yes, and that’s the problem: how could you do something like thi-“

No! Ulrich shakes his head and bangs into the glass. If this was truly young Adler, it wouldn’t be a surprise that he’s wearing normal clothes. He’d be wearing… what? From what he could remember, he didn’t wear anything particularly spectacular- maybe just a rather normal casual suit. Otherwise, he’d surely have it seared into his mind’s eye.

Anyway, so this young Adler is dressed normally, which is typical to Ulrich, but he likely would not seek the Awakened out either. Perhaps instead, they’ve passed by each other in the corridors.

“…” Ulrich says while he uses 100% of his soul and influence to make Adler notice him.

“…” Adler says while he does not notice him at all.

Ulrich falls to the bottom of his tank. Adler would just ignore him! What a rude human, honestly. Ulrich would stand there, in the corridor frozen, as the ignorant little dimwit scurries his way to a lab that was not Ulrich’s to carry out experiments with a naive twinkle in his innocent eyes.

He clenches uselessly at his chest. This is awful..! How dare he..?! Ulrich flips over his report and begins to write on it so that he can properly order his thoughts.

He would not stand down and let him go so easily in that abominable situation. No, Ulrich would twirl around in a fit of righteous rage and call after him.

“Adler!” he’d shout, hands on his hips to assert dominance, successfully.

The timid whelp would flinch as he hears his name being called by such an authoritative voice, turning around meekly like a meek creature and turn his eyes up at the towering, impressive Awakened deigning to stand before him.

“Uh, yes?” he’d say, definitely sweating because he is disgusting.

Then, Ulrich would use his left hand to point at Adler, doing so a few times to drive it in. “Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

The pathetic man would frantically move his eyes over the entire room instead of just using his heart to answer because he was too logical, even back then. “I-I don’t think so? Was I supposed to?”

Disappointedly, Ulrich would then shake his head as Adler’s face falls- he’d let down Ulrich. There was no fate worse in Adler’s eyes…

But..!  There was no need for him to fear for magnanimous and magnetic Ulrich would extend an olive branch towards him, literally offering a beautifully gloved hand towards the human and smoothly transforming into the shape of a- (Ulrich draws the shape he would make on the paper) - and say: “That’s alright, Adler. I forgive you. I would always forgive you, because otherwise we would have murdered each other by now.”

Adler would flush red at the merciful act of kindness, which he would be able to see because his hair is not overgrown. Then, the bashful human would take his hand with a shaky smile as Ulrich GRASPS it in his own. He then realises that he can’t truly connect with him, for that dastardly leather glove was in their way. Adler stares at Ulrich, begging him to solve the dire calamity with a pathetic expression. He stares into Adler’s eyes as he conveys without words ‘Do not worry, this will take but a short moment that will be certainly worth it’, before he unlaces his glove charmingly. While he does that, Adler, the dear, useless creature, watches helplessly as he now does not know what to do… Because he’s young.

And so Ulrich removes his glove and then holds Adler’s hand within it. They then ki- no. That would never happen. Adler is too skittish. Ulrich neatly and calmly crosses out the previous sentence.

To make sure Adler knows that this is not only good, but the only acceptable scenario, he’d make it so Adler cannot even begin to think about saying no to his advances. Because deep down he wants it too. Yes.

So Ulrich would then be like those people in those books who did things that were apparently really attractive although he didn’t know why- he’d push Adler to the wall in the corridor outside Lab 83 and keep about 4-5 inches away from his face, elbow on the wall besides his head of neat and well-kept hair. He’d lean in with his sexy fish-tank head and whisper something really romantic.

“Adler, are you a germ?” he’d say in cursive.

“W-w-w-w-w-w—w-w-ww-w-w-w-w-what?” he’d pathetically stutter.

“Because you are a German.”

Adler blushes even fiercer. “Ulrich, I have absolutely no clue what you are trying to get at!”

“You’ve infected me.”

Ulrich chuckles to himself and the other member staff can no longer ignore it and leaves the room.

Yes, it was a perfect metaphor! Adler was a germ- a nuisance that you cannot get rid of, a constant in your life, a feverish illness that takes over your mind, your life, your soul! And Ulrich had no immune system.

Adler would proceed to be so appreciative and seduced that Ulrich can finally fucking kiss hi-

“Mr Ulrich?”

Ulrich flinches so hard he almost falls off of his chair. He scrambles back into a normal seated position and turns around to look at the visitor properly.

“Ah, Miss Marcus!” He blocks her view of his desk with his body and unsubtly flips over the reports, “What do you need?”

She tugs on her scarf nervously. “Uhm, I’m just here to relay a message- from Mr Enigma.”

A wave of self-awareness momentarily blasts through Ulrich’s soul. He swiftly covers it up with superficial annoyance. “Why can’t he bring it here himself? Hopeless man.”

“W-well I am his assistant so, it’s, it’s only natural…”

Ulrich waves a dismissive hand as he receives the message. “Don’t let him get away with it, Miss Marcus.”

He opens up the letter; it’s a rather easy task because Adler didn’t bother to seal it. Ulrich’s magical ferrofluid rods and cones take in the information, which basically amounted to ‘Where the fuck are the reports?’ Ulrich scowls at the message, spiking into a spiky spiked shape, and flips it over. On the back are several attempts at starting a sentence and one full one. ‘Are you going to the seminar tomorrow?’

Ulrich scoffs- of course he is! Adler was (unwillingly) doing a few speeches the next day, since he was the stand-in head of Laplace. The seminar was basically just PR that only made it harder for him to step away from the position which he desperately did not want. And Ulrich would break reality and develop the ability to cry if he did not get to watch, so yes, he was going. He supposes that’s what the report is for.

Marcus fidgets on her spot as Ulrich scribbles down his response on a post-it note. He hands it over, not even bothering to fold it. He watches her face as she slowly takes it, her eyes full of conflict as she battles to not look down at the message.

“You can read it.”

She, for lack of a better word, squeaks in embarrassment. “Oh- uh, I wasn’t-“

“Nothing on there is a secret.” he says with a shrug, “Tell him I’ll go over to give the reports to him tonight.”

“Is that… not on the note?”

“…No.”

She looks down at it. In neat handwriting, it says ‘Obviously. Are you thick? LOL- Ulrich’. He thinks that her blank stare means that the well read little miss Marcus is probably impressed with his expert lingo that X taught him a few days ago.

“Ah, nevermind!” she says quickly with a wobbly smile. “Thank you, Mr Ulrich.”

He nods and turns back to his desk.

——————

A few hours later, Ulrich barges into Adler’s office. It’s marginally more messy than usual, despite Ulrich generously helping him clean up a week ago. Adler does not react from his place on the floor, where he’s poking his cheek with a pen as he holds today’s crossword against his legs. Ulrich closes the door behind him and turns the lights on. Adler blinks painfully.

“How can you even see what you’re writing?”

“There were lights-” he says, looking up then gesturing to the multiple useless monitors displaying meaningless green strings of words.

“That is bad for your eyes.” He walks into the room and resumes his favourite place of sitting in Adler’s chair and putting his legs on the desk. “I have your reports.” he says, waving it in his hands.

Adler nods along, drumming his fingers against the floor. “Thanks, just put it on that pile there.”

“What do you need it for?”

“Ugh, the Foundation wanted me to include the budget reports for some of the departments in my speech so that the people will be more likely to ‘invest’ in us… They really tricked me into doing this, scheming bastards.” He scowls, filling in a box or two on his puzzle, “I can’t believe they still think putting me as the face of Laplace is a good idea. We are just embarrassing ourselves.”

“Hm…” Ulrich watches Adler flick his fringe out of his eyes again, “How about you start by wearing something that’s not covered in ink stains?”

“Funny you should say that, the Foundation forced me to wear something fancy tomorrow…”

Ulrich shifts into an exclamation mark. “Oh, is it your carrot outfit?”

Adler looks up from his crossword and stares at Ulrich. “No!”

“A shame.”

“It’s no shame.”

Ulrich looks at that photo of them everyday while he polishes his glass head. It’s lovingly stuck onto his mirror. “Of course it is! That costume fitted you perfectly-“

“Kleider machen Leute- I am not going to represent Laplace dressed up as a carrot!”

“Well,” Ulrich swivels in his chair, “what is your outfit for tomorrow then, Adler?”

He makes a face, squinting into the distance as he struggles to describe it. “It’s a… there’s a, white jacket and, a black shirt… and trousers.”

“I hope you are wearing pants. But isn’t that the same as your normal outfit except that the colours have just been flipped?”

“No, Ulrich, you don’t understand!” he says with mock excitement, “The trousers are brown too!”

…Something not monochrome?! Ulrich is genuinely impressed. “Wow!”

“Seriously?”

“I look forward to seeing it.”

“…” Adler frowns at nothing. After a few moments, he speaks up. “They even gave me a new machine…”

“What?! That’s so unfair. I burnt- I mean the team burnt through one of the computers and it’s yet to be replaced.”

Adler looks at him exasperatedly. “Suuure. But I mean this one,” he points to the contraption strapped onto his shoulder, “When I took it out I pricked my finger on it.”

Ulrich undulates in his tank. “That sounds dangerous. Are you sure this isn’t a… an assassination attempt?!”

“What? Yes, I am quite sure.” He sighs heavily and puts the crossword aside.

Putting his legs down from the desk, Ulrich rolls the chair over to Adler, who lifts his head minutely to give him a questioning gaze. He leans forwards, elbows on his knees and waits. You see, Ulrich had recently read that listening to someone is more important than talking to them. And to do that, you had to actively listen and not steer the conversation.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

He forgot that Adler did not give away anything unless asked. “You seem a bit down.”

“Haha, what’s new?” he says dryly.

Ulrich gives off his most disappointed impression possible. “…”

Adler coughs awkwardly. “…uh, no I’m not though. I just don’t want to do the speech. It’s a pain. Think about it,” he smiles, “it’s even more of an annoyance than you.”

“!!!!!!!” says Ulrich, “How dare you?! And here I was, looking out for you. Maybe the reality where you were dressed normally and we ignored each other in the corridors was not so disgusting after all..!”

He receives a squint. “Waß?”

“Anyway, I’ve had it with you, Adler. Time for bed.”

“Not this again…!” Adler says despairingly.

“Get up. Do you want a good night ki-“

He hastily stands up, like a cat that’s scrambling on a car windshield. “No, I don’t!”

Ulrich falls to the bottom of the tank disappointedly, to which Adler pretends to not see and makes his way over to his room. Ulrich follows him, naturally, and snoops around his room for the new outfit while Adler brushes his teeth. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find it in time due to the insane amount of clutter everywhere.

“I’m done. Now get out.” Adler says flatly but with no real bite.

“Don’t you want me to help you sleep?”

“Nein, I’m good today..!” he says with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and shoves Ulrich out the door. “By the way, I won’t see you in the morning because I need to manage the event. Do you think you can handle making your own cup of coffee?” he says condescendingly.

“No.”

“…”

“…”

Ulrich slowly shifts into a ‘<3’. Adler’s eyes widen and he looks like he’s about to descend into a nervous breakdown. “You- uh, figure it out yourself!” he manages to get out before shutting the door in Ulrich’s face.

He switches back to his default stringy blob pose and spends an hour cleaning Adler’s office before heading off to his own room.

——————

It was the morning and it was looking like a nice day- bright blue skies and wispy clouds with a perfectly middling temperature. There were no active catastrophes causing mayhem and somehow no fire alarm had gone off yet.

Ulrich was having a mediocre morning. On one hand, yes it was rather calm and he had some exciting research to do today, but on the other hand he had to make his own coffee and would not see Adler until the afternoon. Maybe a better descriptor for him should’ve been a drug rather than a bacterium because Ulrich felt like he was experiencing something that most similarly resembled withdrawal. He was both shocked and concerned at how much it was affecting him, but at the same time he didn’t care.

He managed to get the grumpiness out of his head for a little while as he did his work, but it soon returned with a hefty side of something much more… intense, during the ten minute lunch break.

As usual, Ulrich joined his colleagues and listened to their conversations. Today, the talk was about the event Adler was speaking in. A few of them had gone to check out how it was going and were bursting with agitation, forgoing their limited eating time with gossip instead.

“You have no idea what I saw in there,” says one lady, eyes wide with still lingering disbelief, “I saw Enigma-“

“No kidding, he’s the main speaker.”

“Shut up, Darren! You don’t understand-“ says her friend, leaning over the table to look at everyone, “he was wearing real clothes..!”

Everyone at the table stares at the pair, jaws dropped.

“WHAT?!” they all say out of unison, for the shock came at varying levels.

For example, for Ulrich it was more a ‘so what?’. He already knew of it since Adler told him yesterday, so, you know, he was more special. Just because they ended up seeing him first meant nothing.

They all turn to Ulrich anyway. “..Yes?”

“Did you have something to do with it?”

No. He wishes. Wait… He can’t believe it. It’s true! Ulrich wasn’t the one who finally made him change into normal clothes (as much as he enjoyed it, he was actually aware that the carrot outfit was not normal), but the Foundation..!

He clenches his fists. “Appealing to authority once again…!” he sneers under his breath.

The room collectively ignores it for their own safety and everyone returns to chewing their lunch for a moment.

The curiosity is too much though; the two scouts are questioned further. “So, what was he wearing?”

“It was like… a white tailored jacket with some metallic ornamentations on a black turtleneck. The most insane thing was that his shirt was tucked in!”

“Woah!”

“I know right?!”

“No, no.” says her friend, “The most surprising thing was that he had, like, moved his hair!”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, he certainly didn’t cut it. It was more so, like, swept to the side slightly so you could see a bit of his forehead.”

The audience stare at her unimpressed. “Wow, amazing."

“It actually is pretty amazing since it’s Adler.” says one of the crowd thoughtfully.

“You don’t understand… it may have been small but- my god, it was so ho- uh.” Everybody desperately ignores Ulrich, who doesn’t say anything. “It was… such a change!”

“He really is an enigma. He looked both messier and more fed-up than before yet also really smart.”

“Yeah… he even had a new shiny… device. With ribbons!”

“Haha, maybe it can match yours, Ulrich!” says a well meaning member of the audience.

Ulrich doesn’t acknowledge them.

The room is silent except for someone coughing.

Thank the fucking heavens, the ten minute timer goes off and they all stand up to quickly leave (get out of Ulrich’s way). Before the two little weasels can escape though, he puts his hands on their shoulders. They stiffly turn around and smile with all teeth.

“Yes, boss?”

“…”

The two panic, not knowing where to look since, you know, no eyes. Ulrich glares at them all the same though. He lets his anger settle in for a bit longer before speaking.

“…I knew about it first.”

The look to each other with just their eyes for a brief moment.

“…So true boss!”

“You’re absolutely right, Mr Ulrich!”

“Get to work.”

“Yes sir!”

“Right on it!”

They scamper off, shutting the door behind them with a frantic slam. Ulrich doesn’t move for a second. Then, he sits back down and connives.

This was not good. This was a disaster, even! Of course, Ulrich thought Adler was super attractive and awesome and as much as he nagged him to take more care in his appearance, in the sense that he should wear his clothes properly, he never saw his apathetic attitude towards it as something that made him unattractive. Actually, he appreciated how he gave no shits at all.

And one selfishly nice thing was that it appeared no one else saw how handsome he was underneath his thrown-together outfit plastered with paper and sellotape. He didn’t understand at all. He was so beautiful??? But at the same time, that’s fine- he doesn’t want anyone else to know. What if one day, some other astonishingly gorgeous person happened to see Adler after having a shower and decided, ‘Yeah, he’s the one’, and seduced him?! What was Ulrich meant to do?! Paint a face on his tank? Actually-

He bangs his bulbous round head on the desk. He just felt embarrassingly… angry about it. Or maybe, is this what jealousy felt like? He understands why its considered a deadly sin now since it seemed to come alongside a hefty portion of violent thoughts.

Really, shouldn’t he be happy that there are more people who don’t think Adler is some cave troll and is actually the pinnacle of humanity? But no, he just felt like he was put into a boiling pot of water and was burning all over. Even the thought of Adler going about his life and probably dying inside as he had to interact with other people makes him want to roll around the floor and grasp at his head.

He sits up. He needs to see him! It’s the only thing he can think of doing. He needs to see him and fight off everybody else.

——————

Try as he might, Ulrich was significantly more eye-catching than two random women and so was unsuccessful in his attempt to enter the lecture hall.

“Why can’t I go in?!”

“Because, Mr Ulrich, the event doesn’t start for another hour!”

“So? I am as much of a member of Laplace as Adler and can surely contribute to the event!”

The security man blinks. “You want to make a speech?”

“Of course not.”

“…”

“Let me in!”

He harasses the man for about 5 minutes more but eventually gives up, turning away sulkily. So he paces the corridors for a while instead of doing his job when Regulus almost barrels into him. She has the gall to look at him like he was the one who caused her to trip up.

“Oi, Ulrich!” she stops, then tilts her sunglasses down. “Wow, you look miserable!”

“This APPLe has to agree. What’s wrong?” Mr APPLe says as he floats next to her.

He turns away slightly, but due to the panoramic view of his head it has no effect. “Nothing.”

“You suck at lying. But~!” Regulus shrugs her bag on a bit. He doesn’t understand why she doesn’t just use both straps and save herself the hassle of shrugging it back on every 3 seconds. “Luckily for you, this rockin’ pirate is here to lend a hand! What’s up?”

Before he can answer, she covers her mouth with her hand and points at him. “Oooh, don’t say anything! I know what it is..! Let me guess… Enigma locked you out of the lab again!”

“If you paid attention to your surroundings, you would know that he is currently occupied with a huge event and cannot even see me.” he says bitterly.

“Awww…”

Mr APPLe wiggles his bow-tie thing. “Oh, Captain, do you not think it has something to do with Mr Enigma, though?”

She gasps. “Ah, you’re right, Mr APPLe! Who else but Enigma could make Ulrich this sad?!”

Ulrich doesn’t know how to react to that, although he supposes it is true.

“…Wait, I got it!” She snaps her fingers and makes finger guns. “You don’t like his new outfit!”

“What-“

“Yeah! It’s too dashingly dapper for you, eh? The gold trim, the black turtleneck that screams sophistication…! It’s-“

“You’ve seen him?!”

She stops gesturing, her arms frozen midair, then shrugs. “Yeah. I saw him earlier muttering something under his breath as he sped off to wherever he was going. He seemed annoyed. Actually, he always seems slightly annoyed.” she says, rubbing a hand on her chin.

Ulrich shakes with rage. He wants to see what he looks like, goddamnit! Why did the universe insist on making him wait until the event actually started?!

Regulus and Mr APPLe exchange looks as Ulrich makes unfathomable shapes in his tank. “Might this APPLe ask what has you so distraught?”

Ulrich manages to reel in his potent rage for a moment. “I need to see him.”

“Why?” says Regulus.

He puts his hand on his hip. “…No reason.”

“Why?”

“Uh, Captain, maybe it’s personal.”

“Oh boo-hoo…” she says, sticking her tongue out at Mr APPLe. She turns back to Ulrich. “Why don’t you just message him?”

Ulrich almost explodes because his mind has been expanded. That’s so true! A few weeks ago, after getting told off by the moderator staff about getting into arguments on the work forums, X and Hissabeth had shown him how to use DMs! It was like they thought he was an out-of-touch ancient relic when in fact, he knew about it before but didn’t see the point in using them since Adler didn’t look at his messages anyway.

The two didn’t believe him.

“He always replies to me.” said Hissabeth with a shit-eating grin. The snakes around her corroborated and agreed with their tinny voices.

X just smiled like the fucking psychopath he is.

So of course, he stole Adler’s communication device while he was asleep and made it so whenever Ulrich texted him, a disastrously loud and annoying sound would play. Somehow, Ulrich managed to control himself so that he has not used it yet- he wanted it to be very impactful when he finally does, you see.

He nods at the two British weirdos. “Good idea! I shall do that then.”

“Knock yourself out, fishtank!” she ways with a wave as she waltzes down the corridor, shimmying to made-up tunes.

Ulrich pulls out his communication device and opens it up to Adler’s contact. On the screen are the old messages he had sent (spammed) him from months ago, before he had given up and resorted to just physically turning up in front of Adler.

He sends a text.

13:21

Show yourself.

That should do it! He spends the next few minutes staring at his phone like he was transported from an alternate timeline where there was no Storm and mobile phones had taken over the world.

A few moments later, three dots appear at the bottom of the screen.

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:24

What is that supposed to mean?

Ulrich bends into a happy circle as he sees his plan worked- he’s actually replied! Maybe he should finally change his contact name then.

13:24

It means exactly that. Are you illiterate?

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:24

Wait is that fucking sound something you did?

It plays when you send messages.

13:24

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:24

Oh my god it is.

I am going to kill you.

I was talking to one of the important Foundation people and I hear this stupid fucking slurping sound from my jacket?! He looked at me like I was a mental patient and I basically had to run away!

13:25

LOL.

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:25

What?

13:25

LOL is an acronym: Laughing Out Loud.

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:26

I know what it means.

Does that mean in your note you were laughing at me?

13:26

Oh, no. That one meant ‘Lot’s Of Love’.

13:27

Show yourself.

Send pictures.

Send a picture of yourself.

Reply, you inconsiderate ape.

Hofmann (human, not the woman) 13:29

Im turning the deviceo ff

Ulrich’s shoulders droop and he turns his off as well. In the end, he just has to wait.

——————

The excruciatingly awful, harrowing, soul-destroying 30 minute wait was now over. Ulrich sped towards the area where the event was taking place. One demonic being had dared to approach the entrance before Ulrich, but they quickly moved out of the way when Ulrich basically sprinted forwards and stopped 3 inches away from them. The foul demon is successfully banished to entering second and Ulrich walks in, an Awakened on a mission.

He uses 100% of his field of view to find Adler, yet he’s nowhere to be seen. In the meantime, he takes a seat right in the front row down the centre so that Adler would definitely see him while on stage. Or would he definitely not? There’s no way he’d even attempt appear like he’s making eye-contact with the entire audience; he’ll probably stare at the back of the hall.

So Ulrich stands to move to the back row. He arrives and once again sits in the middle. But wait, he wouldn’t be able to see his new apparently ‘dAsHiNg’ and ‘hOt’ new look from here!

He swiftly moves to the front row again. Unfortunately, he can’t retake the same seat since someone was now sitting there. He sits next to them despite almost the entire row being empty in the hopes that they’ll move away. The man doesn’t get the hint and instead turns to chat to him about the seminar. Ulrich completely tunes him out as he rambles on for way too long. It grinds on his arcanum gears so hard he stands up to move to a different seat.

Maybe he should go to the back again. The front row was a little bit strenuous on the neck anyway… He pushes past the lines of people now filing into the room to get his deserved spot at the back again.

Ah. Yes. This view is perfect- he can see the entire stage, the humble lectern in the centre of it, the overly ornate projector besides it, all of the people filling up the chairs like grains of sand filling the bottom of an hourglass.

“…”

…Oh my god, they’ll be closer to Adler than he will be!

Ulrich suddenly stands up from his chair again, surprising the people sitting next to him, and clambers over their knees.

“Excuse me, coming through, sorry-“

He escapes the back row and returns to the front row. He stands there, looking like that one image of a cave man yellow sea creature standing around confused yet ready to fight… something, and looks down it, but despairs- it’s all full. As much as he wants to intimidate them into letting him sit there, the lights begin to dim, signalling the beginning of the event. In a panic, he has to retreat and take a random ass crowded seat in the middle of the hall, completely surrounded by other people and off-centre. He shakes in supreme annoyance.

But he has no time to dwell on it, because it’s starting.

The stage lights glow through the darkness. Some people in the crowd whisper and Ulrich wants to defenestrate them. Luckily (?) for him though, everyone shuts right the fuck up once Adler steps onto the stage.

It’s as if the hall has been turned into a vacuum with no air as every single sound disappears and the air stills like it ceases to exist. The only sounds are Adler’s footsteps as he walks onto the stage holding a thin stack of paper and a laser pointer. The only photons of light anyone is allowed to perceive are the ones bouncing off of Adler- you had to look at him; the world around was lost and unimportant.

Ulrich stares at the illuminated angel on the stage as he stiffly lays out his stack of paper on the lectern. As predicted, he refuses to look at the crowd itself and glares resolutely into either the darkness or the papers in front of him. But you can only be glad that he did because if he looked down and saw the enamoured masses he would have died on the spot.

“…Good afternoon everyone, I am-“ he turns around to look at what the huge projector screen says his name is, “-Enigma.” Although his face was completely flat, Ulrich could see it in his eyes that he was grimacing.

But MY LORD was he the most beautiful and splendorous grimacing man he had ever seen and ever will see!

Ulrich grips the arm rests of his seat as his arcanum circuits whizz with extreme panic. He was too fucking handsome. The brown trousers embossed with lines of silver, the cream white jacket and its golden lines bursting from his enigma machine strapped to his shoulder; it was like the sun gleaming its rays of vitality through the satin white clouds on a heaven-blessed day. Even the plain white ribbons that honestly could have been bandages were somehow so photogenic!

‘He still has writing on his hands’ thinks Ulrich hysterically as he burns the image into his mind.

That TURTLENECK. With its GOLDEN CIRCLES. Forget those crazy Manus motherfuckers, this is the first circle- no, the only circle to Ulrich. The only one that would ever matter! Screw his round head!

Even though Adler didn’t even bother to fully tuck his shirt in, that only made it so much worse. Every detail of Adler’s absolute apathy towards looking presentable- his unkempt hair still falling out of its ribbon, the dangling white straps still strewn around and cascading down his front, his stupid creased trousers- it was dangerous.

Speaking of that hair- Ulrich can’t help it; he slaps a hand on his head. That woman was unfortunately too correct. The flick of his ruffled hair as it arches over his forehead and inevitably pokes him directly in the eye enraptured him to no end. ‘I need to touch it.’ he thinks as his ferrofluid self presses against the glass in a vain attempt to get closer.

He was a health hazard. He was the very being of Ulrich’s dreams that he didn’t even have. He was a holy being sent to the earth from the land of everything mystical and wonderful.

So yeah, all in all, Ulrich was basically just having the most intense gay panic ever.

Unbeknownst to it all, or maybe just ignoring the painfully apparent shift in atmosphere, Adler continues on in a bored tone that is completely at odds with the miraculous figures he’s spewing. “And that’s not all- our departments are showing great progress and have the results to show it.”

A pause that is way too long to be considered acceptable passes as Adler shuffles through his papers, looking for a specific one. “…excuse me.”

“…”

He eventually fishes it out of the stack and places it on the projector. “As you can see here, our research into Artificial Somnambulism has been instrumental in developing new techniques to help people from all walks of life. Here at Laplace, we dedicate our resources into the betterment of…”

Ulrich zones out because he’s too busy admiring Adler. That is, until he sees that his department is coming up.

“Another one of the departments I am sure you are all interested to hear about is our Cryptography Department. They were a major part of the invention of the Equilibrium Umbrella and their sacrifices are what allowed us to find out new aspects of the “Storm”, to save more people from it. Let us look at the report.” He places it on the projector and boredly turns around to point at it on the big screen with his laser pointer. “Here is-“

The laser pointer clatters to the ground.

“Uh-“

The entire room is blanketed with a different brand of silence as they read what’s on the screen: it’s Ulrich’s fantastical explorations of the hypothetical young Adler interactions. It seems Adler accidentally put the paper down the wrong way up.

Everybody involuntarily glances to their side to try and spot Ulrich who would definitely be in the room. The people who spot him immediately look away.

On the stage, Adler quickly tears the paper off of the projector and flips it around with jittery hands. He picks up his poor laser pointer, failing twice as he grasps it, accidentally muttering a German curse to which he immediately profusely apologises.

“S-So, the Cryptography Department has been working… on, on…” He runs a hand through his hair and normally it would be hot, but everyone in the room was experiencing such intense second-hand embarrassment that the thought of it wouldn’t even be able to enter anyone’s mind.

Except Ulrich’s, because if he didn’t dissociate and think of literally anything else he would probably develop a face purely for the purpose of putting on the Manus Mask and never returning to Laplace ever again.

Everybody stares straight ahead and distantly experiences Adler’s unravelling speech as he tries to finish it as fast as possible.

A horrible 20 minutes later, he has managed to get through all of the points he needed to make and hastily bows. “Thank you for listening. Now, for our next speaker-“

Even as the next person comes on, he only stares at the back of the hall. That is, until, at the very last moment his eyes immediately lock in on where Ulrich is sitting. ‘So he’s been able to see me this entire time?’ Ulrich thinks vaguely as Adler flits off the stage.

Eh fuck it, his reputation is completely ruined anyway. Ulrich stands up in the middle of the next speakers introduction and squeezes his way out of the audience. The people around him part without protest and no one dares to look at him; he doesn’t dare to look either.

He exits the hall and the door shuts firmly behind him.

Ulrich walks around aimlessly for a while as he debates with himself whether he should seek out Adler or leave him be for a little while. He ends up circling around to his lab, when he hears a familiar voice. It’s Adler. But who was he talking to?

“…that the case? Oh, that’s so funny!”

“Ja. Uh-“

“Tell me, Mr Enigma, why do you go by that mysterious name?”

Ulrich freezes. He does not like the tone of that woman’s voice.

“…No reason.” Adler blatantly lies. “Uh, look-“

“Aww, can’t you tell me? I promise it can be our secret-“

Ulrich almost trips over even though he is standing still just around the corner. He looks around and sees the scene in a reflection of one of the many needlessly shiny metal panels plastered all around Laplace. Oh no, she’s conventionally attractive!

“I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Adler says as he turns to leave.

The woman grabs his arm and Ulrich feels every reasonable part of him snap. “Don’t go just yet-“

Adler flinches and then attempts to smile, though it just looks like a grimace. “Uh, sorry, I’m a- a housewife?”

“What?”

“Wait, what?” Adler blinks.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Adler and the malignant fiend snap their heads towards Ulrich who could not take it anymore and steps out from around the corner. Adler looks both immensely relieved yet extremely mad to see him. God, he’s so beautiful, thinks Ulrich. His gloriously messy hair..! His perpetually confused expression..!

Then he looks at the monstrous villainess still clinging onto Adler’s arm and blocking out his perfect unobstructed view of Adler’s figure and he has to fight to not use his arcane skill and zap her off of him. Because otherwise he’d zap Adler too.

“Nothing much. Who are you?” she says with a sweet smile that endears neither of them.

“I’m Ulrich.” he says curtly, “I see you don’t have a Laplace ID badge.” He looks her up and down in disdain that was apparent even to her.

“Aha, well that’s because I’m just visiting for a conference.”

“It’s already started.”

“Hm? Oh, I’m just here for the discussions at the end-“

“You should get going now, then. It’s going to be over soon.” says Adler quickly as he tries to pull his arm out of her grip.

“Are you not one of the employees? I’m not sure where it is- can you show me?” she says, blinking up at him like a broken traffic light stuck on red.

Adler looks at her like she’s insane yet she doesn’t clock. That’s okay. Ulrich can help her.

“Get off of him.” he growls out, involuntary buzzing sounds coming from him as he leers towards her.

She blinks. “Um-“

Upon not immediately extracting herself from Adler, Ulrich peels her arm off of him. She gapes.

“Don’t touch me-“

“Don’t touch him.” Ulrich says, putting himself in between Adler and the woman.

“Das darf nicht wahr sein…” Adler says with slight amusement, but mostly dissociation.

Ulrich focusses on his enemy. “He’s mine.”

Adler develops acute bronchitis and descends into a coughing fit, while the opponent blinks in surprise and steps back. “Really?”

“Yes. Do you need me to prove it?”

“You believe it!” Adler shouts suddenly, “The venue is on the first floor on the east side. It’s got many signs- you can’t miss it!”

The lady looks between the two of them, before hastily leaving without another word.

Ulrich holds his fist in front of him and bows his head towards it, a champion. Yes… he’s won. Begone, foul demon..!

He’s about to interrogate Adler on the malevolent scoundrel but before he can act, Adler turns to him and glares. “Ulrich, what the fuck was that report?!”

“Hm?”

“Don’t ‘HM’ me! The report! On the back- Waß zur Hölle was that?!”

“My experiment.”

“How the hell is that an experiment?”

Ulrich whizzes about patronisingly. “It’s my thought experiment.”

He watches Adler drag his beautiful hand down his beautiful face, displacing his beautiful hair. “You should have kept it in your thoughts! I can’t believe that was shown to all those fancy snobs and our coworkers…!” he cries, lamenting into his palms.

Ulrich pats his shoulder for comfort as an excuse to touch his new jacket. “It’ll be okay. You don’t even want the position anyway, right Adler?”

“That is not the point.” he says flatly, “Do you not care that people will look at you and then think of what you just wrote?!”

Well, frankly he didn’t want to think about it. And anyway, denial was always an option. “I will tell them it was fake.” he nods.

“You are so ridiculous.”

“No, I am Ulrich.” he says because he can’t think of anything else to say.

“…” Adler’s eye twitches. “And why did you change my phone to make that awful, awful sound?! The look that man gave me- oh mein Gott. No one will take me seriously ever again!”

“Well, look on the bright side! Maybe people will find you more approachable now.”

Adler is about to shout some more, but then Ulrich covers his mouth with his charmingly gloved hand. No… that’s wrong..! ‘More approachable’. That was not good! No! This was not the outcome he wanted when he encouraged him to be more sociable! Now all those vile wenches and Casanovas and whatever other beings that this world had to offer saw Adler for the dazzling man that he was and would surely be tempted to get him too!

He despairs. The only place where Adler would be completely safe would be Vertin’s suitcase- it was only lesbians in there.

For now though, he had to settle with protecting Adler and also showing said man that he would not take any meddling from others lightly, nor would he ever give him up.

Adler pulls off Ulrich’s hand while he goes through his extensive plans and scowls. “What are-“

Ulrich slaps his hand back on again and is met with a confused stare. “You… you are wearing something different.” he begins.

“Mrfmfrmmf- get off! Okay, and? You already knew this. I told you yesterday. What’s the big deal?”

The Awakened undulates calmly in his tank, not looking at Adler directly. “You are wearing something different..!”

Adler nods slowly, mouth pressed into a thin line as he tentatively agrees. “Well done. You can see.”

“Yes… everyone can.”

“…Yes..?”

“They think you’re attractive.” Ulrich says with a sneer.

“Ye- wait what?”

“They’re talking about it- thinking about it. They can see it now..!”

“Don’t be, ridiculous..!” Adler says, looking away to the side, “Wait, ‘now’?”

“I always thought you were attractive!”

Adler makes a strangled noise.

“I always knew it…! Even when I met you, I thought you were aesthetically pleasing!”

“What?” says Adler like he’s scared.

Ulrich shakes his head. “Even when you’re passed out over the desk or slouching in your fly-tip of a room, you always look so damn good..!”

“I- uh- Urich-“

“So they don’t deserve to say things like that now! Adler- I won’t let them get to you.”

Like a glacial lake on a bright day, the winds calm and the surface is without ripples- your reflection reveals itself in the silver waters. And similarly, to Ulrich the truth has emerged and he finally understands why all those people in the books shove their lovers against the wall.

Adler loses his ability to make any kind of viable word as Ulrich suddenly slams him to the wall.

“…”

“…”

This was a rather good view- he can see the absolute conflict in Adler’s eyes and the rapid flush beginning to cover his entire face. For once, he doesn’t look away and instead stares at Ulrich.

“… do you know what I am thinking?”

Adler’s face breaks out into an expression of utter embarrassment. “N-Nein?” he says weakly.

“I am thinking that your new outfit is very nice. I admit, it might be better than the carrot.” Ulrich says as he nods, leaning ever closer. “The Foundation have chosen well, Adler…”

“What the fuck..?” he says, voice strained.

“It suits you, but you look good in anything. Except the balaclava.”

“Haha that’s nice but why are you pinning me here..?!” Adler says, words tumbling out.

Ulrich scrutinises Adler’s face. Foolish man, doesn’t he know by now that Ulrich can tell he doesn’t mind it? “Don’t you like it? I like it.”

He only looks more abashed. “Ich- ich-“

Then, Ulrich remembers. “Oh wait! Adler… are you a star?” he whispers seductively with a subjective amount of success.

The human opens and closes his mouth, eyes searching for some sort of trick question within the depths of Ulrich’s ferrofluid self.

But this was no trick; it was Ulrich’s thought experiment manifested.

“Because you’re deadly hot.”

“Huh?!”

“And I want to study you forever.”

“HUH?!”

Ulrich then hugs him. He smooshes his glass head against Adler’s cheek who freaks the fuck out but doesn’t stop him.

After a while, Adler hugs him back, but don’t tell anyone; god knows they don’t need anymore stories about them circulating about.

Change was not so bad, thinks Ulrich.

——————

Time has passed. That fateful day where Ulrich thoroughly embarrassed himself and Adler became attractive for a bit became an almost mythical legend amongst Laplace. There was literally no one in the entire organisation that didn’t know that Adler and Ulrich really ‘’’’’hated’’’’’ one another, but even then, the story was hard to believe for those who had not seen it. A great deal of the audience that day were outsiders, so took their strange experience with them and never came back.

There were more Adler appreciators now, but any kind of romantic thought or even objective acknowledgement that Adler was good-looking was not to be uttered. Ever. Those who did would find themselves looking over their shoulder constantly, searching for the glimpse of yellow in their peripheral vision. He didn’t actually do anything, but the stress of knowing Ulrich was always there could be so detrimental to one’s mental health that it was better to not think of it.

Anyway, the braver people took it upon themselves to find out what was written on the back of that fabled report since everyone was too shocked at the time to take a picture. Idiots. The challengers included the usual torturous gang with nothing better to do: Regulus, X, Medicine Pocket, Hissabeth.

They were so desperate to humiliate their bosses that they even resorted to asking Aleph who apparently held every answer.

“Aleph,” says Regulus, “you know all the answers, right?”

“…I can provide an answer. Whether that answer is always factually correct is not the case.”

“Eh, whatever. Worth a shot. So, what did Ulrich write on the back of his report?”

X nods along. “It was shown during a seminar to a bunch of people outside Laplace.”

“And,” says Hissabeth excitedly, “it was by accident!”

The snakes repeat it over and over.

Medicine Pocket fiddles with their injection gun. “But the most important part is that it’s apparently about Ulrich pinning Adler against the wall!” they say, chuckling evilly.

Aleph, for all his pretentious speech and extended metaphors, is honestly taking their request seriously. Of course, he doesn’t know the answer. How the fuck would he know? But it’s kind of interesting to think about.

After a while of thinking and giving the group false hope, he says, “I do not know.”

“Awwwww-“

“But how about I help you come up with an answer?”

They all pause and look at each other. They did read his profile, which included his actions in Buenos Aires.

“Ahh, we’re good-“

“No need, Mr Aleph!”

They leave Aleph and go conspire elsewhere.

Meanwhile, Marcus is looking for Adler. She knocks on the door to his office and waits. Frowning nervously to herself, she fiddles with the locks of her portable writing desk. Adler wasn’t in his usual places, so she came here as a last resort.

Frankly, she avoided going to his office. Not because it was scary or anything; no, Mr Enigma was very kind to her and for some reason always stuffed her pockets with mint candies, but it was just the blatant disregard of the books in his office! Going in there felt like it hurt on a physical level. They were strewn all over the place, stuffed into corners with bent spines and creased pages.

She sighs and knocks again. He’s not here either. She really needs to deliver this message to him though, since she has to leave later. Bracing herself, she opens the door which he apparently didn’t bother to lock and walks in.

She tiptoes over the pages of paper scattered all around the floor and makes her way over to the desk, dappled with sunlight falling through the window.

Marcus places the letter on his desk when something catches her eye. Was that… that rumoured report? Her eyes widen and she starts shaking before she’s even done anything. She takes a quick glance at the door then back at the innocent piece of paper lying on the desk.

From the looks of it, it’s been treated somewhat better than the others- it’s set aside and not covered in a concoction of random junk, nary a crease on it.

Oh no, she really wants to read it. It’s taking everything in her power to not activate her arcane skill- technically, if she uses it, that’s not actually reading the report. And she respects Mr Enigma, she really does! And Mr Ulrich too! It’s just that… well one, she wants to read everything and anything, no matter how insignificant it may seem. And two, the rumours have just gotten to her.

It’s silent, save for the gentle twittering of birds outside. She stares at the innocuous thing.

“I’m sorry, Mr Enigma!”

She flips it over, revealing the mad scrawl of Ulrich’s daydreaming.

Marcus blinks as the words register in her mind and, with each blink, her eyes open wider. Her cheeks heat up and she is just, so uncomfortable, but she can’t look away! It’s like watching a gambler on their last chip bet everything on black.

She reads everything, including sappy romance, but this had reached new heights of second-hand embarrassment in her mind. Adler tended to vehemently ignore Ulrich whenever she was also present, likely because he wanted to save face, so this just felt even more shocking. She cannot imagine Ulrich writing this at al- on second thought, maybe she could, but still! The times she saw him was usually because she was giving him a message from Adler in the middle of the work day, during which Ulrich was a stern and brilliant scientist. That was until he received said message; then he’d lose all edge and act like a middle school boy. If she was being honest, she didn’t understand but she thought it was sweet.

This though- perhaps you could think of it as sweet still? Maybe? But Marcus was just, cringing. She doesn’t feel it often, she has a very high tolerance for it, but this was just so upsettingly shameless. Her perception of Mr Ulrich is forever tinted with this insight into his mind.

But perhaps Adler’s remains untouched? He, according to the rumours, was wholly disapproving of the entire incident. After the first few days he would just apologise that they heard such a thing and deploy non-existent excuses to leave. If he was so embarrassed, maybe this means he wasn’t as… intense..?

Before she can get tangled up in her numerous lines of thought and inevitably dash all hope, the door opens and in walks the subject of her mind to do it for her. But wait, she’s been caught!

“Oh, Marcus?”

“M-Mr Enigma! I- uh- I-“ She’s terrible at lying and can’t help but look between him and the paper housing Ulrich’s Fever Dreams.

He follows her gaze and then outwardly grimaces. “Did you read it?”

“Ah-“ she looks to the ground, “Y-yes…”

He rubs at his head, ashamed, before walking over and picking up the report. He glares at it in disdain. “I’m sorry you had to read that disgusting passage.”

She shakes her head so quickly she feels momentarily dizzy. “It’s not a problem! I’m sorry for looking…”

“It’s fine- I would be curious too.” he says neutrally.

“B-but…” she brings a hand in front of her chin, “Why did you keep it?”

“…”

“…”

Neither of them make eye contact and instead just stare at the paper in Adler’s hand.

“…Oh, I have to- I have to leave now!” she says quickly, “I left a message for you on the desk goodbye Mr Enigma have a good weekend goodbye!”

She leaves before she can see his reaction.

Adler looks down at the disgusting passage, then that godawful slurping sound blasts out from his pocket, briefly making him forget his newly acquired dread that Marcus now knows..! As long as she doesn’t insinuate anything to Ulrich it’s fine.

With a suffering sigh, he opens up his messages.

Ulrich(give me an interesting nickname no adler thats not what i mea 09:46

Adler, there’s a chip in my mug that wasn’t there before.

This melodramatic glob o- he takes a deep breath.

09:46

Sorry, I accidentally knocked it on the counter.

Ulrich(give me an interesting nickname no adler thats not what i mea 09:47

I don’t forgive you.

Meet me in the lab at 6PM.

LOL (Lot’s Of Love)

Adler stares at it and against all odds, smiles. Then he realises what he’s doing and throws the device into a cardboard box.

---