Archive of Our Own

“I’m not taking you out in that, you look disgusting in that dress!”

“It’s disgusting, come here look at yourself…”

“I said come here Bella!”

“See, see the fat on your stomach? Don’t look at me like that, that couldn’t hurt, it was just fat I grabbed there.”

“This is the kind of thing a fucking supermodel would wear, are you a supermodel Bella?”

“I didn’t think so. So you either change or you can stay home. Oh stop crying, it’s for your own sake!”

The clattering sound of Phil dropping his fork on his plate made Dan look in his direction.

“I’m calling the police,” he said determinedly, already half up off the couch.

“No, you won’t.” Dan shouted with more force than he’d intended. “Don’t do that Phil,” he said calmer then. “What are you gonna say to them? The downstairs neighbour insults his girlfriend and I think you should throw him in jail?”

“You know it’s not just that and God knows what else he is doing to her, I can’t just sit around and let it happen anymore. Other people must hear it too. ”

Dan smiled a weak smile. “I think we’re the only ones that are aware of it. We’re living right above them and our rooms are connected to all of theirs. Look… I know you’re right. But the police don’t know this. I know it’s crazy that I have to say this but calling the police isn’t going to help her because even if they will show up he won’t believe that she isn’t the one who called them and he will definitely kill her for sure.”

The end credits of American Horror Story started rolling on the screen but they stopped paying attention half way through the episode. Because that’s when the shouting in the apartment below started. Again. It had happened before occasionally, but over the last couple of weeks the fighting had increased dramatically and it was absolutely horrible. But never before had it sounded as bad as tonight. The humiliation was unbearable.

“Don’t say that,” Phil said and Dan hated to see the concern in Phil’s eyes because he was all too familiar with that look. It brought him back to a period in his life that he didn’t really want to look back on.

“You know it’s true, and something extreme like that needs to happen before the police will react anyway.”

Phil put his plate next to Dan’s on the table and it wasn’t until they were silent for a minute that they realised that the shouting had stopped. Neither of them knew the reason and doubted if they wanted to, but they did know that it looked like they were the only ones who could do something about it.

*

Bella slid down the tiles in the bathroom and let the warm water clatter down on her, mingling with the tears that she wouldn’t admit were running down her cheeks. Through the foggy wet glass wall opposite her she could just about make out the contours of the gorgeous silver sequin backless maxi-dress. It was Naeem Khan. One of the many designer dresses that had been given to her since she became the Prima Ballerina at the London Royal ballet about a year ago now. She had tried it on with the help of her dresser Mia the other day and they both decided that it was perfect for the winter season kick-off ball that was going to take place tonight. But now she wasn’t even going. Instead she was sitting there in the shower, having the warm water rinse the make-up from her face: blood red lipstick and black mascara trailed down her pale face. Her blond hair stuck to her back and forehead. She had locked the door, hoping that Caleb would go to the ball alone eventually. And she knew he would, he wouldn’t let the opportunity to shine at the red carpet of the most important ballet event of the year pass by without him.

Ballet was her world, their world. Though ‘their world’ felt like a weird thing to say Right then Bella didn’t feel like they even were in the same universe. But Caleb was part of the traveling company of the Royal Ballet. Corpse the Ballet, which was an important section but more as a group than individually while as for Bella, it was all about her. So in theory it was a lot more important for her to be at the ball than for Caleb, but this wasn’t theory. This didn’t even feel like life either. Except that it was. This entire thing summed up perfectly what had life had become. What she had allowed it to become.

She held her breath for too long a few times in a row in an attempt to find out if Caleb was still in the house. Because she wasn’t planning on getting out of the shower, let alone the bathroom, while he was still around. She knew from experience that he probably wouldn’t continue where they left off but she didn’t want to be around him at all. She didn’t want to be near him. And the fact that he was in her house still, and made her feel so unwanted, while this was supposed to be her safe place, made her sick with disgust. More towards herself than to him. She was the one that let it to come this far, even though it wasn’t that simple. If she had known all of this, it would have never happened. But that was the danger with guys like Caleb. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a very slow process. Little insults that meant nothing turned into arguments, that turned into manipulation and mental abuse until she started to believe everything he said. And that was a danger in itself because she had already spent so many years of her life battling her demons. And he helped her with that at first. She opened up to him, he offered the comfort and support she needed. But that turned into a problem. Because he now knew too much and therefor he also knew exactly what it took to break her. And then when it turned into the worst possible thing she could have imagined, it was too late. And she was trapped. Fuck, was she trapped.

Her eyes widened in shock as a violent knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.
“I’m off,” he shouted and Bella hated that his voice reached her in the weak comfort provided by the warm water still pouring down on her. “If you change your mind about your outfit you know where to find me.”

There were so many things that she wanted to say to him then. But while she closed her eyes and waited for the thumb of the front door closing behind him she had visions of her stabbing him to death painfully slowly and they were scarily satisfying. He just made it sound like it was her own decision not to attend the Ball. And that it wasn’t him who had made her feel like a hideous fat pig. And she knew why he did it, realised exactly what he was doing. That was probably the sickest part. Because deep down inside he was just scared of losing her and it was his disgusting way of marking his territory. If she looked to good he got scared and if he got scared he got abusive. It was a pattern, she recognised it. But instead of doing something about it, she waited five minutes until she was sure he was gone and then dug her teeth into her forearm to silence the scream that came from deep within.

Bella sometimes pictured looking at her own life through the eyes of others, or through a camera like she was watching a film and she realised that it had to be humiliating to even be around her. And that was how she felt when she put the phone down after she called in sick with the ballet staff. They weren’t happy about it. Of course they weren’t. Bella was the prima-ballerina. The face of the ballet. It wasn’t normally an option to miss out on a night like this. But the only positive thing about her night was that Caleb had managed to make her feel so weak within, that the call was convincing.

But apart from her being extremely aware of how badly she was treating herself by allowing this to go on for as long as it had, she at the same time had no idea how to get out of this situation. And there was also a self-destructive part of her that told her that she created this mess herself, which had to mean that she’d just have to find a way to deal with it.

It didn’t surprise her that Caleb didn’t come back at all that night but she wasn’t able to sleep. She hadn’t slept properly in ages. By the time she finally closed her eyes the sun began to rise behind the closed curtains. It was around 7AM and she was glad that she had two more days off before she had to return to the ballet for the season premiere of Sleeping Beauty. She wisely chose not to think about how her body was supposed to put up with performing the hardest ballet possible, both physically and mentally, for an entire month, because that would only make her feel worse. she didn’t have any back-ups. Whatsoever. She felt completely drained. And though the ballet was the only thing that kept het going at this point, it still was top sport.

She spent her few days off indoors, sleeping through the days and lying awake during the nights, expecting Caleb to walk in through the front door at every moment. But she didn’t hear a thing. It had been a while since he’d disappeared just like that after a fight but when she looked up the playlist of his ballet she saw that he was going to be gone for the rest of the week. A series of performances in the Netherlands. Not as far away from England as she had liked but at least there was a sea in between and he wouldn’t just come back for the night.

That thought finally gave her some peace of mind and she managed to sleep a couple of hours the night before she had to go back to the ballet. And the following morning she made her way downstairs just before 7:30. That meant she was going to be at the ballet way before anyone else but she was so glad to finally leave the house she’d captivated herself in over the last couple of days that she couldn’t wait to give herself something to do. She took a long shower at 6 and spent an hour going through the necessary routine of shaving, scrubbing, washing, painting, moisturizing and cleansing that she’d neglected those previous days.

As she began to decent down the stairs her heart skipped a beat when she saw someone waiting for her at the bottom of the last staircase. For a split second she thought it could be Caleb, but when she blinked and had a closer look, the guy looked nothing like him. Dark hair with a fringe, very, very tall, grey pyjama bottoms and a dark grey hooded jumper.

“Phil told me you can’t cross people on a staircase, bad luck apparently,” he said explaining why he had been waiting for her and smirked a half smile. He must then have noticed the confused look on her face because he pointed up the stairs and stumbled: “Eh my roommate… friend… Phil… I…”

Bella smiled at his awkwardness as she reached the bottom of the stairs and nodded at the package in his hand. “Don’t you hate that the mail man only ever comes at fucking seven am.”

His eyes began to sparkle in acknowledgement and as he smiled the dimple in his left cheek deepened. Somewhere deep down she thought that made him look kind of cute, but she was too distracted by how weird it was to hear her own voice. She hadn’t spoken to anyone for two days. Not a single word. She’d been a hostage in her own house, not finding the energy to go out. She’d only eaten whatever was left in de fridge, which had been nothing more than a few slices of bread and a can of that tasteless soup that Caleb always bought. When she stood in front of the mirror naked that morning as she moisturised herself, she knew that the bones on her hips were sticking out more than usual.

“I know right!” he said before a couple of silent seconds followed in which they looked at each other. Once she was on ground level with him he seemed even taller.

“Anyway, I got to go, my cab is waiting outside, have a nice day.” She smiled weakly.

“Yeah… okay yeah you too.” Even though she refused to look back at him she could feel his eyes burning in her back. And like every time she ran into one of her neighbours in the flat she wondered where he lived and what he knew. She took a breath of fresh air before she dove into the backseat of the cab. She hoped for this guy’s sake more than her own that he hadn’t had to listen to anything that ever happened within the walls of her flat.

*

“I think I met her Phil…” Dan said when Phil finally entered the lounge hours later. Dan had also meant to go back to bed but seeing that girl left him feeling on edge and it made him restless. He hadn’t stopped thinking about her and where she was going. She’d been dressed in all black. Black spandex leotard with lace lining underneath skin tight Adidas track pants and a black unzipped Adidas hoodie. A tote bag over her shoulder. Long blonde hair up in a messy ponytail. Big vampire-like light brown eyes that were probably gorgeous when they weren’t as hollow as they had been that morning. Dark rings underneath them. Her skin really pale and her face ghostly white, full lips that were dry and slightly bruised. She had probably been on her way to something as ordinary as the gym. And if he wouldn’t have given her a closer look she would have passed as seeming just fine. For some reason that was what broke his heart the most.

“Why do you look so terrified was she okay?” Phil said immediately worried, interrupting Dan’s thoughts.

“Well, I don’t know, probably not but… she seemed it and… she was gorgeous.” He struggled to get the words out, already hating the way they sounded before he said them.

“I don’t see how that could make this worse or better or anything….” Phil said frowning as he sat down on the couch beside Dan with a bowl of cereal.

“No I know… and I hate myself for saying this but after all we heard I did not expect her to look like that. I mean don’t get me wrong it is never ever in a million fucking years okay to treat anyone like that monstrous guy apparently does but she isn’t just gorgeous, she is literally beautiful. Like exceptional.”

Dan was frustrated with himself because that came out extremely sexist and shallow, especially in this situation and it wasn’t even what he meant. It wasn’t even just the way she looked. In the couple of minutes he saw her she had overwhelmed him. She was so graceful and fragile but also so strong. And most of all she was dark, and he didn’t base that just on the dark clothes, the old Marilyn Manson tote bag she carried or the black lacquer Martens she wore with her sports outfit. Is was a look in her light brown eyes and the way she smiled at him but didn’t really. And he unfortunately knew that she had all the more reason not to be the happiest girl on the planet. Yet he had a feeling that there was even more to it and that fascinated him. It was probably one of his many flaws but he just dealt better with people who didn’t think of the world as a happy sunshiny place full of flowers and bright beautifulness. Apart from Phil, who had taught him a lot about positivity and not always expecting the worst and therefore he balanced him out perfectly. But she was his kind of people and he didn’t even know how to explain that any better.

Phil raised his eyebrows at his friend and pushed himself back up from the couch. “I don’t know what happened to you this morning but I’m glad that at least we know she’s still alive.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dan tried.

Phil smiled friendly. “That’s not what I meant. Let’s just hope that it won’t happen again. Not as bad as last night if anything… You want some tea?”

Dan shook his head then changed his mind. “I mean yes,” he told Phil, because what was he going to do? Sit there all day and think about the girl he didn’t know and hadn’t seen before in his entire life. That wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Especially because he had no clue where he should be going with this anyway.

“Haikyu?” he asked following Phil into the kitchen to unnecessarily help him boil the kettle. He was talking about the anime they were currently watching. It was about volleyball and also ironically the closest thing to exercise he currently had going in his life. Phil nodded in agreement, they could probably both do with some distraction.

*

Bella stood in front of the tall bronze framed mirror in her dressing room in her leotard and twisted and turned to inspect her body for bruises from every angle. Caleb hadn’t touched her this time, not really anyway, but it had become part of her routine as she simply couldn’t risk exposing any marks to the staff and more importantly the other dancers. She’d always been subject of attention with her exclusively black outfits in rehearsals and the dark signature lipstick. It was important in ballet to stand out and Bella had chosen early on that she wanted to sport the dark style she embraced in real life, on the dance floor. Much to the despair of every single teacher she’d ever worked with. As they loved their pastels and girly glitters. They all gave up talking her out of it eventually though, because they realised that obviously it didn’t change the fact that she was talented.

So that, along with Bella always being silent and mysterious about everything all the time, unintentionally, made her the main subject of gossip and conversation. She didn’t mind as she was pretty good at shutting down and tuning out but it did mean that she had to be extra careful with potential bruises or any other signs of the abuse she somehow got herself into when she got involved with Caleb.

They met about six months ago when he got his contract with the ballet and he immediately appealed to her. The American boy with his masculine broad body and the tattoos on his arms, chest, hands and all the way up to his neck. His slick back blonde hair that he usually wore in a bun and the stubble. He looked nothing like any ballet dancer and he basically was the male version of her in terms of standing out and not meeting the normal standards of ballet dancing. She had been trying to crawl out from a very dark place called depression back then. Caused by nothing in particular and everything all at once. But mainly just because of the fact that she was her mother’s kid, it was in their genes.

Caleb seemed to be just the guy she needed. Strong, confident and funny. He must have already seen in back then. Guys like him tended to have a third eye for the weaker kind of girl. They fell in love quite quickly to no-one’s surprise and everyone’s delight because it gave them so much to talk about. And it had been great at first. They had spent endless nights watching obscure horror movies and fucking to the soundtracks. He took her to Iceland when she told him she had always dreamt of going there and he taught her how to eat pizza American style, while they shared kisses with fat dripping down their chins.

Those first few months were the happiest months of her life, even looking back at it now she wished they could just go back to that. But just when he build her back up, Caleb started to expose his darker, excessively controlling side. He claimed her as his property and was constantly trying to mark his territory. The worst part was that Bella didn’t even mind at first. She had a thing for bad guys and manly, slightly possessive men. That didn’t mean that she was on hands and knees scrubbing the floor for him, but she definitely didn’t mind getting on all fours for other reasons. Nor did she mind the few marks that might have been made in the process. But it didn’t stop there for Caleb. He was manipulative, controlling and very aggressive – both physically and mentally.

The first time she began to notice was only two months after they got together. She didn’t even remember now what they had been fighting about but she remembered how he began to talk her down in the worst possible way. He used the way she looked and the way she danced and how she was weak and had been nothing without him until he eventually grabbed her arms and left deep purple-ish bruises on her muscles before slapping her in the face. She tried breaking up with him over it about two weeks later, because that was how long it took her to recover and find the courage. It was the biggest mistake she ever made. He strangled her and she was sure he was going to kill her until it suddenly stopped and he started to cry. She hadn’t attempted leaving him since, and he apologised for his behaviour a million times. But the abuse hadn’t stopped. It hadn’t necessarily gotten worse either, but it certainly felt like it did the longer it lasted. And now she was caught in that life with no way out in sight.

The ballet was a good escape. At least when Caleb was away, like now. Because there she could do the one thing she knew for sure she was good at. She had the facts to back her up. Prima ballerina at one of the most important ballet companies in the world. That had to mean something.

Truth was it meant everything. She was still thankful every day. Even just the fact that she no longer had to share a dressing room with anybody else was worth it all.

And the worse she felt, the better she danced. So that night, she was outstanding.

Sleeping Beauty premiered that night but it was going to be a short run because they were working towards the Christmas season. This year they were going to run Swan Lake from the first week of November and it was sold out up until the very last performance at the end of January. Bella was looking forward to dancing Swan Lake again, it was her favourite ballet and she never ever got tired of it.

After a couple of days she sent Caleb a text, asking him how everything was over in the Netherlands. Because even though she was glad he was gone, she also hated that she didn’t hear from him. As after all she liked to believe that at least he did the things he did out of love. It was just his twisted mind and his troubled past that made him deal with his feelings the wrong way.

He didn’t answer her for two weeks. The next time she heard from him was when he showed up at her door. Looking horrible with blood shot eyes that she knew was a sign of a lack of sleep and possibly some other stuff that she preferred to not to get into too much.

“Honey bee,” he mumbled greeting her and before she had a chance to ask him anything or to even say hello, he pushed her right up against the wall beside the front door and kissed her forcefully. And the thing was, no matter what happened between them, the sex was always incredible. They both loved it and they both loved it rough, so it was just second nature for Bella to give in to the kiss and let him push her towards the bedroom.

*

“I think he’s back…” Dan read Phil’s text just when he was saying goodbye to the people that were watching his live show. It was Wednesday night. He normally did them on Tuesdays but he and Phil had been out the other day so he postponed it. At first he didn’t know what Phil meant, he didn’t hear any fighting or screams, luckily. But just as he disconnected from the live stream he could hear the deep throaty groans before what he now knew was unmistakably her voice moan a loud “Oh my God yes.”

They didn’t hear them have sex as often as they heard the fight. But whenever they did, you would never be able to tell what was going on in that flat on a daily basis. It sounded passionate and rather filthy, but whatever he was doing to her and whatever she was doing to him, sounded like it had to be fucking good. And even though he couldn’t possibly understand why she even wanted to have sex with him, and it honestly made him kind of mad that she did, he figured that it was just part of their fucked up relationship. And apparently sex wasn’t one of the issues.

Dan got up and knocked on Phil’s bedroom door. He didn’t particularly have anything to say but he figured that Phil maybe did. And frankly, he didn’t feel like sitting in his room by himself to listen to their neighbours. It made him feel uncomfortable. And he definitely didn’t want to think about anything else he may have been feeling. He knew nothing about either of them, had only seen the girl once for a minute for Christ’s sake. And what he had heard of them both so far should have been more than enough reason for him not to get involved in any way.

Phil sat on his bed with his headphones on. He looked surprised to see Dan coming in. Despite what people on the internet probably thought, they didn’t hang out in each other’s bedrooms all the time. Not that they didn’t feel comfortable doing it, their bedrooms were just the only place in the house where they could have some privacy. But it was good to know that the possibility was always there. Dan sat down beside Phil and lifted his legs on the bed, folding them beneath him.

“Well I guess this is better than the other thing, right?” Phil said sliding his headphones off his ears to rest around his neck.

Dan pressed his lips together in what was supposed to be a smile. “I guess,” he said, realising that Phil was trying to read his expression. Then suddenly he closed his laptop and put it beside him. 

“Are you up for making a new Sims video?”

Dan nodded, knowing the reason was something he didn’t say. They wouldn’t have to hear a thing up in the office where they shot their gaming videos.

When they got up from the bed, Dan caught Phil’s arm just as he was about to walk through the door. Phil’s eyes went from Dan’s fingers around his forearm up to his eyes with a questioning look. Again, reality in the Dan and Phil house was probably quite different from the expectations of the people on the internet. It wasn’t very common for them to be touchy-feely all the time. At least not anymore.

Dan let go of him and smiled his most genuine smile. “We’ll figure something out okay, we’re not at fault by not calling the police - we just have to come up with something else.”

Phil nodded and the next moment, Dan was wrapped in one of Phil’s tight hugs. Hugs that he didn't get as often as he’d liked anymore. He buried his nose in Phil’s hair and squeezed his eyes shut until Phil said: “let’s go make that video,” with his mouth so close to Dan’s ear that he could feel his breath on his skin.

*

It lasted for two days. On night three Bella sat up right in bed smoking one of Caleb’s cigarettes, in a mess of sweaty white sheets when Caleb returned from taking a shower. She asked him about dinner. He didn’t reply and tossed the towel he had been rubbing over his head on the bed violently, leaving Bella on edge right away. Caleb had this annoying habit of always leaving his wet towels on the bed. She hated when he did that but she figured that it was best not to bring it up right now. Or ever, as she had learned the hard way. So instead she leaned over to put her cigarette out in the ashtray on the bedside table and picked it up herself.

Caleb gave her a death stare as she got up from the bed with the towel and returned it to the bathroom. She wrapped herself up in her fluffy lilac bathrobe in there and noticed the hickey high up in her neck as she brushed her hair. That was going to be a pain to cover up for the show tomorrow.

In fact, she wondered if the foundation she was currently wearing in rehearsals and outside show hours was even heavy enough. She reached for the NARS bottle and pumped some of the liquid on the back of her hand before brushing through it with her foundation brush. She tilted her head back a little and stretched her neck. She could hear Caleb stumbling around the bedroom but she'd gotten pretty good at blocking him out entirely. He always had to do everything with so much noise and violence. 

One light brush stroke wasn't doing much for the bruise and she knew from experience that it would only have turned darker and more purple by tomorrow. She tried adding another layer and right at that moment Caleb roughly pulled open the bathroom door, causing Bella to stiffen for a second. 

"I fucking asked you where you put my shoe- …. what are you doing?"  he changed the subject, already sounding suspicious as he eyed her up. 

"I didn't know you were going out..." Bella unsuccessfully tried to change the subject back to his damn shoes as she put the brush on the washstand and turned around to him, partly to show him she wasn't afraid of him and partly to show him that she had nothing to hide. 

"Why were you trying to cover that up?" he said grabbing the back of her neck violently to pull her closer. "Are you ashamed of me Bella?" It was a ridiculous threat and he probably knew it. Or maybe not. He could hardly be called reasonable when he was this angry. 

"You know I don't fucking mind them," Bella began explaining herself, and this was the actual truth. "but I can't go out on stage with your marks all over my face, can I?"

"I don't give a fuck, at least that way all those desperate old men in the audience will know that you're mine..." he let go of her neck to grab both her arms and pinched hard. This was his favourite thing to do without actually making it seem like he hurt her. At first, months ago, she told herself that he just didn't know how strong he was. Now she learned how not to show him that he was hurting her because he got a kick out of that. And she didn't want to trigger his sick mind any more. She breathed in slowly and focussed on looking at him, trying to read in his blood-shot eyes where this was going. 

"Mine okay, and you should fucking appreciate that more, you should be glad that I keep coming back to you Bella." 

He was shouting, being unreasonable as he did that thing he did turning the situation around by making her look like the bad person. He also started pinching harder and Bella could no longer hide that he was hurting her. She closed her eyes and he started shaking her violently. "Look at me, see, you are ashamed of me yet I still want you." Spit was landing on her face as he shouted at her.

"Let me go," Bella yelled back as she snapped. She knew right away that it was a mistake and he proved her right. He pressed a hand over her mouth and slammed her hard against the cabinet. The clattering sound of cans and tubes falling over filled the room.

"Shut up! Are you a little bitch Bella? I can give you bruises that will be a lot harder to hide,"  he shouted threatening, towering over her. His eyes shot dark and hazy with anger. Or madness. Probably both. Bella wondered if he even realised that she could barely breathe when he did that. Maybe that was exactly why he did it. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d have to wonder if he was going to let go in time. Her lungs were burning as they begged for oxygen and her eyes widened. At least his other hand wasn’t around her throat to add more pressure this time.

She desperately gasped for air when he finally removed his hand then and managed to use the second he needed to stretch his fingers to escape from where he caught her between the wash stand and his body. She was back in the bedroom and walked around the bed, hoping that he wouldn't follow her. He didn't. Instead he threw the wet towel that she had brought into the bathroom earlier at her from the other side of the bed with force and continued to rant. About the towel, about the hickey, about six thousand reasons why he was too good for her and Bella zoned out. Hoping that wherever he had planned to go earlier would make him leave soon. 

*

One story higher, Dan hadn't quite figured how to zone out from all the shouting yet and he couldn't get himself to put his headphones on because a part of him felt like it would be his fault if he wouldn't be there to hear when something would really go wrong. And he didn't doubt that he would be able to hear. Phil had gone out to get them some snacks and the shouting had started literally minutes after that. Dan had been pacing around the living room ever since. Losing more patience with every second and when he heard the guy call her a slut one more time he'd had it. 

He found himself running down the stairs, grabbing his keys from the table beside the door and then going closer to the shouting. He thought of what he'd said to Phil about calling the police earlier and he realised that within now and the next minute he had to come up with some sort of plan that wouldn't get her into more trouble. But he had quite an imaginative mind. He would figure something out. At that point he wasn't that sure if it even was still just about saving her, he just really wanted it to stop.

It haunted him during the day, fucked up his sleeping schedule more than it already was during the night. He had had many reasons for pacing around his bedroom at three in the morning but currently this was the only thing that kept him up. He couldn’t take any more of the abuse and if nobody was going to do anything about it, if she wasn’t going to fucking stand up for herself, he’d have to do it. Because he was done with having to deal with it. Done with having to listen to it and done with letting it take up so much of his days.

It wasn't until he violently rang the buzzer beside the door that he realised that he hadn’t thought about the possibility of the guy opening the door. Or what he was going to say. But the shouting stopped abruptly and only a couple of moments later her face appeared in a tiny gap between the door and the doorpost. Genuine surprise ran across her pale face as she looked at him. "Hi..." he said awkwardly and waved at her before forcefully pushing his hands in the front pockets of his black jeans. 

"You can hear everything can't you?" she whispered after looking over her shoulder, not even greeting him back. Her eyes were wide and terrified and hollow. He could tell she was trying to breathe at a normal pace.

Dan didn’t know what he expected. He hadn’t exactly gone and thought about it before he ran off and down the stairs. But right now, when she was looking at him like that with those terrified, bright eyes, he couldn't do anything but nod regretfully. The shame that spread across her face next was one of the most horrible things he’d ever seen.

"That's fine," he said, then realising what he said. "I mean it's obviously not fine but us hearing it is not the real problem here and this is all I could think of right now, figure something out, tell him I was the mail man or whatever but please just stay safe okay..."
he was still whispering and also rambling and she kept looking over her shoulder anxiously.

But then when she steadied her eyes on him he could see a sad smile surface on her full lips. He was kind of surprised when he realised that she wasn’t crying. There were dark rings around her eyes and her lips were even dryer than before but that was everything he could make out as most of her frame, that she wrapped up in a lilac bathrobe, disappeared in the shadows of the dark hallway.

*

"Thank you," she whispered genuinely. "I gotta go..." she added and he nodded, smiling a regretful side loped smile back at her. She noticed again how his dimple deepened when he did that just before she closed the door.

"Who was that?" Caleb said, to her relief he had found some shoes and sat down at the edge of the bed to put them on by the time she came back into the bedroom.

"The pizza guy rang the wrong door bell." 

"What company?" he said immediately, head rocking up to look at her.

"I don't know... it doesn't matter," she tried to calm him down before he was going to freak out over this as well.

"I bet it was Domino's, they're all wankers." 

Bella knew he was referring to that one time about six months ago when they accidentally delivered his pineapple and chicken pizza without the pineapple, it had been the end of the world.

*

Caleb went out with no explanation and didn’t come back. And he still wasn’t back when Bella left the house just before midday the next day. She didn’t even know where he went. It was exhausting how he always disappeared without letting her know when he would come back. Maybe in some people’s eyes this was a good thing. Because she should be glad that he was gone but this was worse than knowing that she was gonna go home to him. At least that way she knew what to expect and when.

But that wasn’t the only thing on her mind. Caleb left only minutes after the guy from upstairs had showed up at her door and she’d had the urge to go over to him ever since. The fact that the thing she feared all along, that the upstairs neighbours could hear everything, was true was almost even more humiliating than having Caleb slap her in the face. Because she could block that out and pretend it didn’t happen, but when other people heard it, it meant she had to acknowledge it. So if anything, she wanted to apologise to the guy who had basically risked his life to make it stop the other day. And she wanted to thank him properly because she didn’t remember doing that. She’d been in shock from the fight and her head had been pounding so all she remembered were flashes of him standing outside her door with the most terrified and worried expression in those dark brown eyes.

Her head was still hurting really bad as she began to go down the stairs that afternoon. To her relief the bruises hadn’t been that bad and she successfully covered up the hickey in her neck. It was a good thing that she had to wear a lot of make-up on stage anyway so nobody would think twice about her looking like she was wearing a mask. When she was halfway the front entrance she changed her mind and turned back around. And for the first time since she moved in, about two years ago, she climbed the stairs to the top floor. When the guy came to her door last night, he hadn’t told her exactly where in the building he lived, but she figured it could only be one apartment. The one right above hers.

The loud noise of the buzzer ringing made her jump. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath realising this was only a sign that she was close to breaking down. She was so fucking stressed and anxious. Nothing happened for what seemed like minutes and it got to a point where Bella wondered why she was still even standing there. But she was determined to talk to the boy because she knew that if she didn’t do it now, she probably never would. So she pressed the button again, looking over her shoulder as if the sound would somehow magically trigger Caleb to pop up behind her. Instead the door finally opened and Bella needed a moment to recover because the last thing she expected was for him to appear with a set of cat whiskers drawn on his face.

She blinked and forced herself to actually do what she came for. And that wasn’t just a chat, even though honestly, she would have loved that too. There was something about him that made her trust him straight away. But if experienced taught her one thing, it was that she shouldn’t trust herself with her gut reaction. That usually made her end up with people like Caleb in her life.

“What would you have done if Caleb opened the door?” she said forgetting to greet him. He didn’t seem startled. She hadn’t been very generous with her hello’s to him so far anyway.

“I don’t know, I just wanted it to stop…” he said, again pushing his hands in the front pockets of his black jeans. He pressed his lips together and was clearly waiting for her to continue. Not even considering making an excuse for the marker on his face. Fair enough, she was the one who came to his door. She could have just left it, he’d already done her a huge favour.

“I’m sorry okay…” she said looking up at him. She wondered about his age, decided that he had to be about as old as her. Maybe younger. She turned 24 in august.

“Wait… you’re sorry?!” he said puzzled. Tilting his head to the side a bit as he looked down at her with a pair of incredibly dark brown eyes. His eyebrows furrowed. He chew on his bottom lip and remained silent.

“Yeah for making you have to listen to everything. I can’t believe you haven’t called the police yet.”

“Okay look… Please stop apologising. Truth is we’ve been close to doing that but we can’t, can we? It will only make things worse for you and judging by… the things we can hear, things getting worse is the last thing you need.”

Bella’s eyes widened. In fact, she couldn’t believe he understood that. People never did, she learned that the hard way. That was the reason why she stopped telling people things, all everybody ever had to offer was an advice to call the police. And that was about the only thing she couldn’t do. There was no proof, no actual physical assault most of the time. She had nothing that was going to help her in any way and this guy, who she had never seen before up until last week, understood this, apparently. She didn’t know what to say so she just let her breath escape and looked up at him hopelessly. He smiled encouraging. Or uncertain.

“Look… you wanna come in for tea or something?” he offered silently. “I’m Dan by the way.” He withdrew one of his hands from his pockets and offered it to her. She shook his hand. It felt firm and warm and a little sweaty but mostly just big around her cold fingers.

“Thank you, you’re very kind Dan, but I can’t stay. I was just on my way out actually,” she said lifting her leather Valentino bag higher up her shoulder as if that proved to him that she wasn’t lying. “and I’m Bella.”

“Oh, of course, so what about dinner tonight with me and my flatmate Phil then?”

She eyed him up and he was looking down at her with expectation in those chocolate eyes and for the first time she didn’t have to force a smile. “The fact that you are opening the door in cat whiskers and an Givenchy t-shirt makes it kind of impossible for me to say no. I’m intrigued.”

“Fuck!” he said, making her jump again. “Sorry I mean… no fuck… the whiskers” he slammed his hand against his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut as if he couldn’t believe what was happening. “Oh Jesus Christ. We are… my friend Phil and I make YouTube videos and we were just recording this thing where we draw whiskers on our faces and answer questions… this sounds really stupid but…”

“Explain it to me over dinner tonight, I’ll have something to look forward to,” she saved him as he looked really desperate and awkward, and she meant it. “I can’t wait to meet your friend now.”

He chuckled a bit awkwardly. “Alright, can you get here by… let’s say eight? Or earlier… whatever you want actually because we don’t go outside anyway, ever. And is there anything you don’t like?”

She smiled. He was rambling again. “Eight is fine and I’m a ballet dancer, I’m always hungry, I’ll eat anything” she said jokingly.

“So I can’t get away with ordering pizza?” he said and smiled.

She laughed. Her first genuine laugh in God knows how long. She hadn’t heard that in so long that she even startled herself a bit. “Please order pizza! With like extra extra cheese.”

Honestly, Bella didn’t know why she was accepting his offer for dinner. She didn’t know this guy. She hadn’t even met his mysterious roommate. But she felt like she could really really use some distraction. And that made her think of something.

“This isn’t some kind of intervention is it because I’m not coming if it is… We can’t talk about… I don’t want to…”

Dan shook his head, slightly more uncomfortable. “We won’t. Everything but that, okay?”

Bella searched his face for signs of doubt or regret but all she saw was worry and honesty.

“Great,” she said and Dan smiled. “So that’s a date… I mean, I don’t mean date, I mean…”

Bella smiled at his discomfort. “Deal.”

“Yeah… that’s what I meant, okay bye Bella, have a great day and stay safe.”

It wasn’t until after Dan closed the door that she realised she forgot to tell him that there was a chance that she couldn’t come after all. Like she would have to tell to all of her friends if she planned something because it always depended on whether Caleb would or would not come home unexpectedly. But them she could just text or call while there would be no way for her to inform Dan about the change of situation. Although, he would probably hear it if that was the case anyway, wouldn’t he?

But when she got back home at 6:30 that night the house was still empty and a ton of relief rushed through her as she dropped her bag in the bedroom and took off her black Adidas leggings and black roll neck jumper. She hadn’t taken a shower at the company because she wanted to use her favourite quality products for her dinner date. She wasn’t going to get too dolled up because she didn’t want to seem desperate, but this was the first fun thing she had done in quite a sad, sad long time.

A little before eight she rang the buzzer at the door to Dan and mysterious Phil’s apartment. She was dressed in a light grey ribbed racer crop top with black high waisted skinny jeans and black lacquer Doc Martens. She put orangy red lipstick on her lips and applied a couple of layers of mascara to her long lashes. She wore her blond hair down and in her hand she held a pair of tickets to the premiere night of Swan Lake as a thank you for inviting her. She had no idea if they would even like that because she had no idea what they liked at all but it was the least she could offer. And she truly believed that everybody could love ballet if they’d give it a chance.

After a couple of seconds Dan answered the door and she could hear the sound of pots and pans and cutlery coming from upstairs. Dan wore a grey and black striped jumper and his black skinny jeans, he smiled a side loped smile as he greeted her. “Come on in,” he said, “and don’t let the sound of Phil cooking scare you, we didn’t want to be lazy and just order pizza so we are making Chicken Tikka Masala, do you like that?”

“Love it,” she said, following him up the stairs. She was used to climbing sixty-eight-thousand flights of stairs before even getting anywhere in the house so it didn’t bother her. The house was exactly the same as hers room-wise, first the bathroom and toilet, then the kitchen, living room and two bedrooms and then another flight of stairs to what she used as a storage room. She had been so happy when she found this flat because it was in a rather quiet, green part of London, with a direct underground line to the Opera House. But even just climbing up the stairs of Dan’s apartment made her feel that he had managed to make it feel a lot more like a home than she had been able to so far. In fact, she realised she spent more time trying to get out of it than decorating it. And that was the last thing she imagined would happen when she signed the contracts with the landlord. After spending most of her life with roommates in complexes that were hired out to dancers by the ballet company, this was going to be the first flat that was going to be all hers. Sad how she managed to screw things up so much, so quickly.

In the hallway where the kitchen was, Dan called for Phil, who then popped out from the kitchen with a package of rice in his hands. His hair was similar to Dan’s but darker, blackish-blue, and he wore his fringe to the other side, his skin however was lighter and his body skinnier and he was only a littler shorter than Dan, who had to be at least 6”2. He had the biggest, lightest blue-green eyes that smiled along with his lips as he reached out a hand to her. “I’m Phil, welcome to our house, nice to meet you.” Bella smiled, immediately liking the guy.

“Bella,” she said, “thanks for inviting me over.”

*

“So, tell me about the cat whiskers,” she said the moment they sat down at the dining table in the living room. Their living room was nice and very personal. A lot of video games were scattered on the side table and in the window sills. There was a fire burning in the chimney on top of which stood a huge mirror and they had some cartoony pillows on the grey couch above which hang a framed Muse poster. Candles were burning around the room and in the corner stood a big dresser filled with dvd’s, dvd boxsets and probably more videogames. Boardgames were stacked on top of each other between the fireplace and the closet. The chairs at the dining table all had different colours and there was a big houseplant on the floor in the corner by the door. It was a typical guy apartment and quite a nerdy one at that but Bella felt at home immediately.

Dan laughed and Phil began to tell a story about them both being video bloggers. Which basically meant that they somehow managed to make a living out of uploading videos to YouTube. Apparently they got to know each other over the internet and they had become quite popular since. And every year they were doing a video in which they answered questions from their fans with cat whiskers drawn onto their faces and it got millions of views.

“I hate the way it sounds when you have to explain it to people who have never seen anything,” Dan said and Bella had a feeling that he was genuinely annoyed with himself for not being able to explain it better.

“I can show you some things up in the office later if you want,” Phil then suggested and Bella nodded enthusiastically. All this talk about YouTube make her quite curious. The phenomenon ‘youtubers’ wasn’t completely new to her. She knew that some of them were pretty popular but she never really thought about the scale of it.

They ate their food and talked some more and Bella learned that Dan and Phil also worked at BBC Radio 1 and that they used to live in Manchester. She told them a bit more about the ballet and found out that they would actually really love to come see Swan Lake. Phil told her that Dan played the piano, at which Dan got a bit flustered and insisted that he only did it very badly but that he loved classical music. Which she told him was a thing they had in common then.

After dinner it was Phil who suggested for Dan to take Bella to the office to show her what they actually did. Dan looked at Phil confused for a moment. It had been Phil who offered it in the first place. And when Phil almost invisibly told him to drop it with just a nod of his head, Dan got the feeling he was missing out on something. 

"You sure you don't need help with all of this?" Bella said looking at the dirty dishes and the dinner left-overs on the table. She already began stacking the plates, which Phil then took from her hands politely. 

"Don't be silly, you're our guest. We'd like you to be our friend, not our maid,"  he smiled and Bella laughed. She didn't seem convinced even though Dan knew for a fact that Phil didn't mind. And for some reason he seemed determined to get them out of the room, so Dan stepped in and gestured to the door. 

"C'mon, let's solve the whisker-mystery first because I feel like we don't even get a fair chance at becoming your friends until then." He smiled.

"Or you'll ruin it for good," Phil offered as he headed for the door with a pile of plates and bowls in his hands that was so high that Dan found himself holding his breath until he heard the sound of Phil opening the dishwasher. He was the clumsiest person in the world, it would have been even more reason for them to swap tasks, but as Phil wasn't having any of it, Dan headed for the door and lead the way to the stairs.

She followed him up and started talking while she did. "I still haven't found a purpose for this room back at my flat," she said.

He looked over his shoulder at her, he already almost reached the top but stopped. "So your flat is exactly the same as ours?"  

She nodded. "Yeah, it's actually way too big for me but I love the space. I had big plans for it as well but I haven't realised any of them yet."  

"Too busy, I reckon?" he replied, not giving in to the urge to ask what it meant that she implied she lived there on her own.  He pushed open the door to the office. The messy office, he realised as he entered. It definitely wasn't prepared to face the eyes of visitors. Desperately needed tidying. Ever since he told Phil about their guest earlier that day, Phil had been busy cleaning the entire lounge, bathroom and kitchen like he always did whenever people were coming over but they hadn’t expected for her to see the office.

She nodded but wandered off before she even properly started talking. Something dark flickered behind her eyes that told him it wasn't the only reason. Again, he didn't want to ask a thing because he made her a promise not to talk about it. Instead she decided to answer his other unasked question. "We don't live together, you see. I rent it by myself..." 

Dan wasn't sure what to say. He felt a bit of misplaced relief deep inside. And that was also the explanation why they sometimes didn't hear a thing for days or weeks. He wasn't sure how, but it had to be a good thing that at least he didn't live there with her. 

*

Bella let her eyes wander around the room as she stepped through the doorway. There was a grey sofa bed against one wall, with some nerdy Pokemon pillows on top of it. By the window stood a small desk with a little cactus on it and loads of paperwork. There was a pile of boxes by the door and on the big desk stood a laptop and two big iMac screens. The rest of the desk was covered in mugs, camera lenses, wires, a scented candle and a little tripod. The part of the wall just above the desk was covered in sticky notes and next to it stood a big studio light, that had to be quite bright judging by the size of the thing. She was aware of Dan following her every move but it didn't make her uncomfortable. 

"I like it in here," Bella concluded and Dan smiled unconvinced. 

"Would have tidied if I knew you were coming in here tbh," he said before leaning over to bring the screens back to life by pressing space on the keyboard. He sat down on the black leather desk chair and pulled the chair beside it back for her. 

"Right," he said, making a few clicks on the screen to re-open the editing program, that they clearly left in the middle of editing. "These are raw files, we've only just begun editing," he said hovering his mouse over the play button at the bottom of the screen. Bella looked aside at him. She loved how he didn't seem to feel uncomfortable at all at showing her the video. His dark brown eyes were as calm as she'd ever seen them as he looked back at her and when she smiled, he smiled back.

"Bring it on," she said as she sat back and spend the next ten minutes watching Dan and Phil sitting on a bed in what probably was either of their bedrooms, answering questions and doing challenges. Bella was surprised with how entertaining it was. They were really funny and their happiness reflected on her all the way through the screen. 

When Dan pressed pause halfway through the video she grabbed his arm in a reflex. "Hey, it's not finished,"  she said and Dan laughed in surprise. "I thought you'd probably had enough by now." 

Bella shook her head with force. "I like it, c'mon I want to see it all." 

"There's ten more minutes of footage," Dan said, unsure. But Bella shrugged her shoulders. "Unless of course, you have other plans, i'd really love to see it all." 

Dan shrugged his shoulders and brought the video back to life as he leaned back in his chair. 

Bella wasn't quite sure what it was, but watching the video made her feel weirdly calm and carefree. Which was a feeling she wasn't that familiar with anymore. But there was something about their spirit that worked contagious. 

*

If he was really honest, Dan didn't mind at all that she requested to watch the rest of the video. He wasn't bothered that she just said it to be polite. He had watched more of her reaction than the actual video, in a non-creepy way if there was such a thing in this case, and could see that she enjoyed it. But he also really just liked to sit there with her, in the safety of their office, knowing that nothing would happen to her as long as she was there in their house with them. It gave him some peace of mind but it also made him feel anxious for what would happen once he had to let her go again. Surely, it was only a matter of time until that guy would come back. And now that he actually talked to her, got to know her a little more, it would only become more unbearable. 

He looked at her painted lips slightly parted and the colour of her eyes undefinable with the only light in the room coming from the reflection of the screen. He wondered if he should have bothered to turn the lights on, but he was so used to sitting in the dark in this room and she didn't seem to mind. Her chest rose and fell steadily but quickly, as if she never really breathed in deep. But every now and then she would suck in longer gasps of air. He wasn't a doctor but he had a feeling that it was one of the signs of stress. It filled him with an overwhelming sadness. What did she ever do to deserve all of what she was going through? 

He obviously didn't know her but he couldn't possibly imagine how anyone would deserve something like that. She worked hard, was apparently extremely talented, she was polite, bright and calm. She was funny and intriguing without trying to be. The urge to hug her and promise her that he was going to help her, that he would do anything to free her from the life she didn't deserve overwhelmed him. But that would have been cruel, hypocrite as well. Because what was he going to do? 

The sudden silence that filled the room as the video ended, snapped him back into reality. He straightened his back and closed the window before getting up from his chair. He didn't know why he was suddenly in such a hurry but for some reason he didn't think it was a good idea to stay up there with her much longer. "Right, let's go back to Phil, he's probably done by now." 

Bella seemed a bit startled by his rush but smiled as she stood back up as well. "Yeah, we timed that well didn't we,"  she replied. 

Dan laughed as he held the door open for her and then closed it behind him. She began to climb down the stairs in front of him and he almost bumped into her as she stopped halfway down. She turned around at him. "Sorry," she laughed, or giggled, actually. "I just wanted to say that I genuinely liked it. You guys are amazing like..." she paused, "actual sunshine together." She seemed to pick each word carefully.

Dan smiled at her words. He could hear the entire Tumblr fandom cheering in the background. On there people were always comparing them to the sun and the moon, day and night, light and dark and even though there was something incredibly cheesy about it, it was also very accurate.
”I can show you more stuff another time if you want, or you could just look us up of course. I'm danisnotonfire on YouTube, Phil is AmazingPhil. Shouldn't be too hard to find us. We also have a gaming channel together..." he continued, but Phil interrupted him from the living room.

"Flawless promo there Dan, well done," he shouted and Dan laughed. “Gotta think about them subscriptions,” he joked and Bella turned around at him.

“I’ll just subscribe to Phil.”

*

Dan pushed his hands in his front pockets as he entered the living room and Bella followed. She really didn't want to leave yet but she also didn't want to overstay her welcome. This was the first time she'd ever been in their house and they'd been so sweet and welcoming already. 

"I should head back," she announced. "Been a long day, early rise tomorrow. I did actually give you the tickets right?" she said searching the room and Phil nodded enthusiastically. 

"Put them in the drawer. We will be there, thanks so much, I wish we had something for you." 

Bella shook her head. "This was more than enough guys," she said and hoped she had been able to make it sound as genuine as she felt it. They hadn't just invited her over for dinner. They had been amazing and helped her forget for a while and nothing had been able to do that in quite such a strong way in a long time. 

Phil stood up from the couch and spread his arms. She willingly accepted his hug and he pressed her shoulders against his chest for a second. Then she hugged Dan, his hug wasn’t as tight, but she could feel the softness of his belly against her ribcage as he placed both his hands at the small of her back and squeezed. Both hugs felt longer than necessary but still ended too soon. 

"I'll walk you out," Dan said and followed her to the door. As she stepped into the small hallway outside their front door, that was actually just a tiny square before descending into another set of stairs, she turned around at him.

"Thank you..." she said. "You know, for everything."

Dan shuffled his feet and looked down at her. "I wish we could actually help though," he said and she pressed her lips together in a hard line before letting her features soften again.

"You are already helping, really. This is what I need right now and Dan... what is the name of the gaming channel?"

Dan laughed. "DanandPhilGames, i'll be sat at my laptop waiting for your comments." 

*

Bella stayed up way too late that night, losing herself in the videos on both the guys’ channels and then watching all their gaming videos back to back. They made her feel happy and all warm and positive. Phil’s videos were heart-warming and light-hearted and cute and Dan’s were very relatable and funny if anything. She learned that between them they had about 6 million subscribers and frankly, they deserved the world.

*

Bella leaned back in her chair and looked at her reflection in the mirror. It was one of those classic movie star mirrors from the 50s with light bulbs around the edges. One of the choreographers had it installed in her dressing room as a joke a while ago. Because there were certain rules that she kept breaking, like those constant black outfits she wore in rehearsals. It were those things that made him call her a diva. But in fact she just wanted to stand out and on top of that, she felt a lot more comfortable in black than in bloody pastels.

She looked at least as exhausted as she felt, and she knew she needed to eat a proper meal as well. The last time she ate something even slightly nutritious had been at Dan and Phil’s the other week. Since then it had just been oranges, cereal and a couple of avocado and chicken sandwiches, tops. It was probably still more than what some girls in the company ate, but they did it for whole others reasons. Not that Bella’s excuse was better, it was still stupid to neglect yourself like that. It was just that she didn’t have the energy. And honestly, the constant lump in her throat to remind her of the mess she called life, wasn’t helping much either.

She opened one of the drawers and rumbled through painkillers, bobby pins, bandages, tiny sowing kits, pins, pieces of ribbon, scissors, several mascaras and fake lashes to finally retrieve a cereal bar. Not ideal, but better than nothing. She grabbed a tissue to pat her sweaty forehead and neck before fixing her make-up with more foundation, white face paint and powder. Even lifting the brush to her face was straining. Every muscle in her body hurt. That wasn’t uncommon though. Most people just never seemed to realise the impact ballet had on a human body. Much like any other intensive sports activity, really, but probably even worse. She was in good shape though so a good night’s sleep was usually enough to get rid of most of the pain, but it wasn’t exactly like she’d had enough of that over the past couple of weeks either.

Or more like months probably, but oddly enough it seemed to have gotten worse since she met Dan on the stairs. In a way she had begun to realise that just accepting that this was her life, was not the best solution. Maybe for now because it at least kind of kept her safe, but not in a couple of years’ time. She wouldn’t be able to keep this going for so long anyway. She didn’t know how. In every sense of the word.

She was glad when a knock on the door announced the arrival of her dresser. Dana was a big Polish woman with a matching accent. And even though she probably knew a lot more than she admitted, because there was no hiding the marks from someone who saw you naked on a daily basis, Bella loved her.

“Bella darling, are you ready for your favourite part?” She sang warmly as she zipped open a garment bag to pull out the white costume for the final act. A white corset body with sparkles, that was attached to a big white tutu. It was one of the most beautiful pieces but also the least comfortable one.

“How much time do we have left,” Bella said as she slipped off her legwarmers and fluffy slippers regretfully. She had a blister on her right big toe and the smallest toe bled through the bandage and into her pointes. She had to wear new ones for the final act which was never a good thing because she had to get used to them all over again. And she hadn’t had that much time to practise in them yet. She slid her thick white bathrobe off her shoulders and left it on the chair. In just her sparkly tights and the underwear she wore underneath she stood in front of the tall mirror in the corner as Dana helped her into her costume. As she started lacing her up, Bella started doing some feet exercises to keep them warm.

“Are there any special guests for you here tonight darling?”

Bella hesitated. “Caleb’s here…” she said not even bothered to try and look excited. One of the main reasons she invited Dan and Phil was because Caleb was supposed to be in Romania to perform. But that trip got cancelled due to heavy snow fall over there so he came to watch the premiere. Probably more excited about the media attention than about seeing her. But somehow she doubted if Caleb would be too excited about finding out that she invited two guys to come watch her. And he would be even less impressed if he’d find out how happy it made her that they came. She had spotted them in the second row halfway through the first act. They dressed up in suites and were all smiles. It hit her that they even seemed proud. She tried smiling at them at some point but there was only so much she could do while she was on stage so she doubted they noticed it.

A firm tug at the ribbons on her back interrupted her thoughts and Bella could see her face light up in the mirror when she told Dana about Dan and Phil being there. Bella saw a hint of relief on her dresser’s face that she decided not to look into any further as Dana told her she was glad to hear Bella made some new friends. It wasn’t the first time Dana sounded like a concerned mum. But it was kind of refreshing as her actual parents were living their Italian dream in their own villa at Lake Garda. They still owned a flat up in Manchester but they spent most of the year in Italy. Bella couldn’t blame them. She had visited a couple of times, one of which definitely turned out to be the best week she’d ever spent with Caleb, and her mum had served the Royal Ballet for herself for years and years as well. And after that her parents lives had pretty much evolved around Bella’s ballet career. So Bella was glad that their parents were living a happy dreamy life in beautiful Italy. That way it was also a lot easier to hide from them that their daughter wasn’t doing all too well at living her dream.

“Alright, done,” Dana announced with a gentle pat at the top of her spine.

“Flawless… and Bella, I think it is worth remembering who really care about you every once in a while okay?”

Bella stopped halfway through bending over to feel where exactly all the bits and pieces of her costume were cutting into her skin this time. “Thank you” she mumbled softly. Dana smiled sadly.

“Go on, they’re waiting,” she said good-natured as she waved her off. But Bella stepped back in and wrapped her arms around Dana. For the first time in a long time she felt that maybe she wasn’t all alone in this. And she didn’t quite know how yet, but that had to be the first step to finding a way out.

*

About 45 minutes after the show, Bella was showered and wore make-up that was a bit more appropriate for real life. Mascara and her darkest red lipstick. She was dressed in high heeled YSL ankle boots, black skinny jeans and a striped high neck crop vest. The entire staff had already tried talking her into wearing cocktail dresses on occasions like this but she felt better in jeans. She loved dresses as much but only when she felt like it, and that wasn’t right now.

Once she entered the room she scanned it to see if Dan and Phil were still there. She was dying to hear their reaction. A smile broke on her face when she spotted them in the far corner, by the snack table. She waved at Phil when he looked in her direction and he nudged Dan’s side as she started to make her way over to them.

“Thank God you guys are still here,” she said as she approached them. Dan wore a white shirt with some pattern on it underneath a black suit jacket and Phil wore a blue shirt with black hearts on it. His own suit jacked wrapped over his arm.

“We actually asked if this was where we were supposed to meet you because we weren’t sure…” Dan said laughing. “Pretty sure that made us look like giant fan boys.”

“I think that evens out the fact that I literally spend 5 hours watching your videos last week,” Bella responded and the three of them laughed. It surprised her how good it really felt to see them again. She instantly felt herself relax and she didn’t even think about Caleb there and then. Neither did she bother to go socialise with sponsors and other important guests like she was supposed to. She did that on any other evening, every other time. Now she just really wanted to hear what the boys thought of the performance. They apparently really loved it and it surprised her in how much detail they were able to talk about it. Especially Dan who made some remarks on the music and the use of it and how he’d understood the music better now he’d also seen what it was originally made for.

They were so busy talking that Bella didn’t notice Caleb approaching them until he made himself present by possessively and somewhat aggressively wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Well hello guys… Bella introduce me to your new friends, how come we’ve never met before?”

He managed to make every word sound like he was making fun out of them and Bella cringed. She saw something dark flare behind both Dan and Phil’s eyes. They both instantly seemed extra alert.

“Caleb, meet Dan and Phil, Dan – Phil, this is Caleb.”

Even though they hadn’t seen him before and she didn’t remember even telling them his name, they obviously immediately understood who he was. And Bella watched in disgust as Caleb continued to do that thing he did where he pretended to be extremely polite but also incredibly sarcastic and humiliating at the same time. She wanted to punch him and yell at him more than ever before. Dan and Phil were the last people she wanted to be treated like that in whatever way.

“So how do you guys know my Bella?” Caleb continued after a horrendous minute of small talk passed.

“I… I invited them to come tonight,” Bella stepped in. If anything she didn’t want Caleb to know they lived in the same apartment. Apart from everything else he was also very protective and he would flip out over the smallest interactions with guys and she didn’t want Dan and Phil to even have to fear anything would happen the next time he would freak out about them being here tonight. Because she knew from experience that it definitely wouldn’t end here.

“They came and filmed some things for the company the other week and I heard them say they had never seen a ballet before so that’s when I said they should come tonight.” Bella had no idea where that came from and she was so ashamed of herself that she didn’t even dare to look them in the eye but Caleb seemed to buy it. Just like he bought many of her excuses actually. Because the thing was that he thought he was smart but in fact he was so caught up with himself that he didn’t notice she knew exactly how to handle him by now.

“Well isn’t that nice of her?” he said, still that sarcastic tone. “Well I wish you guys a very nice rest of the night, shall we go talk to the Clayton family for a bit now? I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate if the star of the ballet didn’t even come say hi to them after all they invested in this company.”

He was already trying to push her away from Dan and Phil but Bella smiled her politest smile, knowing that he wouldn’t make a scene in front of everyone. “I’ll be there in a minute alright?”

Caleb’s eyes shot dark and he twitched his mouth but then he nodded. “Of course, you decide Bella.” And by saying that he somehow made it very clear that he meant quite the opposite. And that’s when she made the decision she knew she was going to have to pay the price for later. But for once she didn’t let that stop her.

She waited until he stood with the Clayton family and then looked up at Dan and Phil. It was hard to ignore the hurt and the embarrassment in their eyes but she’d dealt with things worse.

“Get me out of here,” she said quickly, looking over her shoulder like this was some secret mission. And in a way, it was.

“What but…”

“I’m aware of all the but’s but here’s another one for you: I’m fucking starving and I’m sure you are as well, so why would we stay?”

She could literally see the unspoken answer on Dan’s lips. Because your freak-ass creepy boyfriend is going to murder you if you leave with two dudes. And shit, he was probably right. And Bella wasn’t sure where the sudden urge to rebel against him came from either because she had learned quickly that that definitely wasn’t the way to deal with him, but maybe it was the combination of Dana’s words and seeing Dan and Phil here. Who had all simultaneously and subconsciously offered her tiny sparkles of hope and realisation in different ways. And frankly, she didn’t want to think about it too much before she would change her mind.

“Aren’t you going to get in trouble for that?” Dan said after all. She hated how that made her sound like a teenager whose parents could find out that she sneaked out at night.

“Absolutely, but at least I got to have fun, I got in trouble before for staying inside waiting for him to come home…”

Dan was still hesitant while she could tell that Phil seemed quite up for it.

“Alright call me ignorant or selfish but I really don’t want to sit and listen to… it… knowing I was the reason.” Dan said eventually.

Bella understood damn well what he meant. She shot a glance at Caleb who seemed too caught up in crawling up people’s asses to notice and she knew that if they didn’t go now, they never would.

“Listen, if you want to help me then get me the hell out of this place right now. We can literally just turn around and walk out and nobody will notice until we’re gone. I’m not asking you to jump in a car with me and take me to the airport. I just want some dinner and to spend some more time with you guys.”

Dan still didn’t seem fully convinced but it was Phil who made the decision when he gently grabbed Bella’s forearm and pulled her with him behind his back, leaving Dan no choice but to follow. “I know just the right place,” Phil said.

Phil eventually had a cab drive them to that skyscraper that had the highest restaurant in the whole of London. Bella had heard of it but she’d never been. Caleb hadn’t exactly been generous with dates. He’d much rather she stayed in the house so he was sure that nobody else was looking at her.

But to be fair, Bella had a feeling that she wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much with him as she did with Dan and Phil. It was a restaurant on the 44th floor where a high-speed glass elevator took the customers to. They didn’t have a reservation and they obviously needed one for such a popular and fancy place, especially because it was Saturday night. But some way, somehow Phil managed to talk them inside by telling crap about his agent who must have done something wrong with the booking. While Dan and Bella had to try their very best to keep straight faces as they nodded politely behind Phil’s back and made sure not to look at each other. And the lady behind the desk seemed so impressed by the word agent that she gave them this amazing table by the window with the most beautiful view over London. They drank lots of expensive champagne that wasn’t even that good but the bubbles gave a nice tingling sensation in her throat. And they ate fancy things like pig ear cookies and seaweed donuts and all that time Bella’s heart was racing with excitement and she realised that for the first time in forever she felt alive.

*

It obviously didn’t last very long but she didn’t get murdered either when she stumbled through the door at two in the morning. Her face warm from all the alcohol and a painful jaw from laughing so much. Caleb was there, but he didn’t jump out at her like she half expected. Instead he was being extra nice and understanding. He even asked her about her night and Bella told him a very edited and toned down version of it, trying to pretend she wasn’t at all afraid. But truth was she was terrified, because she knew this side of him. And it only came out when things were going to get really really bad for her afterwards. He was just torturing her with being nice for now, and would probably continue to do so for a few days because that way she would never be able to tell when it was coming. Whatever it was. He probably also used the time to decide on that.

When she climbed in bed right after him, she was still terrified. And she hoped to God that he wasn’t in the mood for anything but sleeping. But after a couple of minutes she allowed herself to breathe properly. As if he couldn’t notice her if she would just keep still and quiet.

“The trip to Romania is back on by the way,” the sudden sound of his voice close to her ear made her tense up. She looked over her shoulder and swallowed. His hand felt heavy and uncomfortable on her bare stomach. She feared that any word would trigger something in him. Anything. “We fly out tomorrow morning and we’ll still be on time to perform that night.”

Bella nodded silently and swallowed. Her voice was barely audible when she spoke. “That’s nice…” she whispered, “right?”.

Caleb remained silent but Bella highly doubted if he’d fallen asleep.

The next morning Bella learned that he wasn’t able to keep up his act for long this time. He was already in the living room having breakfast while watching some program about conspiracy theories on Discovery Channel, nice stuff to wake up to, when she stepped through the door. He eyed her up and down and then again, took a bite from his sandwich, focussed on the screen and then looked at her again from head to toe.

“I sure hope you didn’t plan on going out in that today? Or did you pick that to impress your new boyfriends?”

Bella looked down at her outfit. She wore a leather high-waisted mini skirt with a sheer long-sleeved black leotard. Underneath it she wore one of her favourite black lacy bra’s.

“You keep dressing like a whore, Bella. And you are not some fifteen year old cocaine snorting bitch are you? You are a fucking ballet dancer, you are supposed to be graceful. I am actually ashamed to have people even know that I fuck you.”

He got up from the couch and Bella instantly found herself taking a step back, preparing herself for what was about to come. But he just laughed a cold laugh and shook his head.

“Don’t worry, I’m not touching you, I don’t even want to fucking be near you when you look like that.”

She spent the next minute in the exact same spot, holding back the tears behind her eyes until she heard him slam the door shut behind him. And at that exact same moment Bella had to lower herself to sit on the cold wood floor because her legs could carry her no longer. She cried for what felt like ages but must have been minutes. She knew he was doing it because of what happened the other day and she also knew it was just the beginning. He just didn’t have time for more, but he would have once he would be back from his trip. She could count on that. Because last night, it was the first night that she actually kind of told him to fuck off and he had hurt her in many ways before for reasons that weren’t even reasons in the first place. So now she kind of gave him one, he wouldn’t just let that pass. And talking her down like that was just one of the things he did to ensure himself that she wasn’t going to do anything while he wasn’t around to keep his eye on her.

But she also knew that she would ruin everything she did yesterday if she would give in to him now. So instead of getting changed she did the only thing she really wanted to do. She got up off the floor and went to grab her phone. She was going to call Dan.

“Hi, it’s Bella… listen you’re a guy right,”

Dan laughed and was clearly confused. “right…”

“Can you come over for a second, don’t worry there’s no-one here but me.”

It was a matter of minutes until the buzzer rang. Bella hesitated before she went to open the door because a part of her still feared that it was Caleb who came back. But when she took a deep breath and turned the key in the lock, she found Dan on the other side. Dressed in a plain black t-shirt, black jeans and socks with foxes on the toes. He wasn’t able to hide the concern in his eyes as he looked down at her. She decided to just get it over with before she would change her mind. She stepped aside to let him in and when they reached the living room, she turned around at him. She couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t even looking around the room, he just stood in front of her and waited for her to talk.

“Listen, I know that this is going to sound ridiculous but it’s very important to me that you are honest. I wouldn’t ask you this if it weren’t, I need you to remember that… I just… can you tell me if you like the way I look today?”

Dan bit his bottom lip and Bella couldn’t help but wonder if that was the reason why his lips seemed permanently chapped. “I’m not sure what you want me to say to be honest,” he stumbled. He clearly did not expect this. And to be fair, why would he have? She knew she sounded like a lunatic but she needed to know because she didn’t always trust her own opinion anymore.

“Just tell me,” she encouraged him.

“I’m not sure I can, I don’t want to…” he mumbled, still looking straight at her. His dark eyes unreadable. Then he seemed to make a decision. “Alright here we go,” he began. “You’re very beautiful Bella. I always find you beautiful no matter what you wear. I mean shit you look hot in that skirt but you look just as good in anything to be quite fucking honest and I shouldn’t be saying all this stuff but since you asked me I should probably just get it over with because the thing is I think you’re very beautiful and very amazing and it makes me so mad that you have to call me to ask me how I feel about you wearing this top and skirt, because it shouldn’t matter should it? You don’t deserve this life Bella. Nobody deserves this life but to me you most definitely don’t deserve it because I happened to get to know you and you happened to be quite fucking awesome… And it was bad before to have to sit and listen to everything but it’s worse now that you are our friend. And I want to help you Bella. I fucking need to because I’m done pretending that everything is fine. I just don’t think me telling you that you look good in a fucking piece of clothing is the kind of help I want to give you. That is not what you need.”

The sound of his voice faded and for a very long time after Dan stopped speaking, they looked at each other. Bella couldn’t make out any of his features or the expression on his face because tears blurred her vision. Her chest rose and fell quickly. She didn’t know exactly what he was really trying to tell her but it was the most genuine and honest thing she’d heard in a very long time. And she didn’t know how to react either. She had only ever learned how to deal with criticism. She felt ashamed that he knew all these things about her. That she couldn’t be the confident, strong Bella for him. And that he dared to call her beautiful after seeing the abused weak version of herself during the lowest times in her life meant more to her than she would even have dared to admit to herself then.

“I’m so sorry,” she spoke softly as she blinked to try and clear her vision.

“Stop apologising as well for fuck’s sake,” he said. His voice nothing more than a whisper at that point. “You have no idea Bella… you don’t see…”

He stopped talking and Bella remained quiet, hoping he would continue but the silence fell back over the room.

“Dan…” she began, “will you stay with me for a while? I don’t have to go until like 4 and I don’t really want to be around myself at the moment.” It took all of her willpower for her to admit that she didn’t trust herself to be alone and a part of her expected that it would scare him off. She looked at how he looked around the living room, focussing on anything and everything but her now. And for a long, terrible moment she feared he was actually going to say no.

Then he smiled tensely. “Come with me, I’ll put you to bed. I don’t feel good staying here and you won’t be able to rest in this place either, c’mon.” He reached for her hand without hesitating and if anything, Bella was glad that he seemed confident and wanted to take control. His hand was big around hers, strong fingers pressing against Bella’s, his palm sweaty. Suddenly an incredible tiredness came over her. As if the prospect of sleeping in a safe place allowed her to admit that she was exhausted.

She was still holding Dan’s hand when they entered the hallway of his apartment. Phil was there, obviously waiting for them or Dan, and Bella thought she saw them exchange a glance. But Dan kept walking so she followed him through the door to their right at the end of the hallway. His endlessly long legs making her have to half-run to keep up with his pace as he marched into his bedroom. And Bella didn’t think he had actually been talking about his bed when he told her she needed to sleep earlier. A giggle escaped her lips and Dan looked down at her with a questioning glance.

“It’s just weird to be here after seeing it in your videos, it feels like I already know it.” she explained, barely finding the energy to speak at that point.

Dan laughed and made his way over to his bed to lift the covers. Black and grey checked sheets. “Are you kidding me,” he said shaking his head. “Really?” he added disbelievingly.

“C’mon, get in here, you’re starting to sound like a fan girl, it’s weird. I’ll wake you in a few hours, you need to sleep before we can even begin to think about fixing anything else.”

On any other day, at any other time, Bella wouldn’t have let him talk about her problems as if it were his. The last thing she wanted was to bother other people with the things she created herself, but for now she decided to hold on to the feeling of not being in this alone. At least until after she had slept for a while.

She crawled in and immediately realised how much it smelled like him. Everything. Which was something she could have expected but not something she was prepared for. She pulled the sheets up to her chin anyway and rolled over to her side, facing Dan. It was odd that a room that she had never been in before felt so familiar, and that wasn’t just because of his videos. It was because it was his. Dan smiled warmly at her for the first time that day and nodded. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours, try not to think. Just fucking sleep.”

Bella laughed softly at his choice of words and fwatched him disappear through the door before he closed it softly behind him. The blinds had already been shut when they came in so the room was completely dark with the door closed. And because she couldn’t see anything, the scent of him became even stronger. She inhaled deeply and strangely felt it calm her down. Her eyes became heavy and soon she fell into a deep, perfectly dreamless, slumber.

*

Everything fucking smelled of her. The pillows and the sheets drifted the scent of her subtle floral perfume in his nose. The somewhat musky, ethnical scent of her shampoo overwhelmed him. There was even a smear of her mascara on his pillow. When he closed his eyes he saw the image of how he found her in his bed that afternoon pop up in front of his eyes.

She had been laying on her stomach, one bare leg wrapped around the sheets. Her skirt had slipped up around her waist, revealing the black lace panties she wore underneath. He had only glanced for a split second before he’d gone back out of the room to ask Phil to wake her up instead. He wasn’t sure if it had been a fair decision for either Phil and Bella.

Because Phil was as much as man with feelings as he was, and thanks to him they had now both seen her like that. But he had to be selfish. He hadn’t been able to do it. He realised now that he should probably have thought twice before putting her in his bed, but he didn’t think about it at all. He just assumed that he would be able to contain himself. Which was something he should be capable of. But the fact that he now laid there thinking about the way the sheer lace stretched over her full ass and the way the black clashed with the smooth white skin of her thighs told him he made the right decision when he left the room. And for a moment, surrounded by her scent and the memory of her, he swore he could feel the pressure of her lying beside him. And then he felt the pressure somewhere else.

He had gone hard, felt his dick impatiently pressing against the cotton of his boxers. He was disgusted with himself. Tried his best to ignore the urge to relief some of the tension. But after some tossing and turning, throwing his head from one side of the pillow to the other to find a spot that was free of her memory, he let his hand slip underneath the waistband of both his pyjamas and his underwear. He groaned pained when he gave a gentle tug. Pre-come was already leaking from the tip, stained the grey fabric of his underwear. He lifted his hips from the mattress to use his free hand to slide his pants hallway down his thighs and pressed his head sideways into the pillows to drown out his groans as he gave in to the urge.

Minutes later he opened the drawer on his bedside table with trembling hands to grab a handful of tissues. He wiped away his own jizz from his stomach and didn’t even bother to clean up the mess he made on the sheets. He fell back in the pillows and sighed. It had been a long time since he’d come that hard.

The following morning he woke up early with a pounding headache and burning eyes. His heart was racing and there was no way in hell he was going to fall asleep again. He felt dirty and his cheeks were glowing with shame at the thought of last night. The thought of how she’d pressed his sheets between her legs and left her scent all over his bed had made him fucking shoot his come all over himself and while he had felt incredibly relieved, he knew he couldn’t spend another night in bed like this.

He got up and started pulling the covers, the sheets and his pillow cases from the bed roughly. Then he carried everything over to the kitchen where he tossed it all in the washing machine before slamming the door shut. He put his hands on top of the machine as he listened how it started pumping water through the pipes and took a few deep breaths. A soft “fuck,” escaped his lips as the reality of the situation began to sink in. He was in way too deep and hadn’t even been able to do anything about it. Maybe he could have stopped it if he would have allowed himself to think about it earlier. But truth was, all had been lost by the time she came to their house for dinner.

Dan was still leaning over the washing machine when Phil entered the kitchen a couple of minutes after him. Dan looked up in surprise, and saw a look of empathy on his friend’s face that he didn’t really want to see. It was barely 8am. Dan couldn’t recall any other day where they had both been up this early for no specific reason. Phil didn’t say anything as he leaned back against the kitchen counter opposite Dan. Dan turned around to face him and searched for something to say, knowing Phil wouldn’t open his mouth before he did. But everything felt wrong. Because it fucking was.

Eventually he pulled a hand through his messy, greasy hair, causing his fringe to stay back over his head. “I think we have another problem, Phil.”

Phil’s smile was both sympathetic and regretful. “I know.”

It seemed weird to Dan how he needed to hear Phil say the words before he understood that Phil had known for a while. Almost definitely longer than he had. Flashes of memories floated back into Dan’s mind. All the way back to when Phil sent them both upstairs after they ate Chicken Tikka Masala, that one night. Dan still wasn’t sure what Phil had tried to get them to do, talk probably. But honestly, that was the last thing Dan wanted to do. He couldn’t just admit to her that while trying to help her get out of her fucked up relationship, he had fucking gone and fallen in love with her himself. If anything, that would only make things worse.

There was a lot Dan wanted to say. How this was the first time he even thought about someone else in that way since… Phil. He wanted to apologise, ask Phil how he felt about it and ensure him of the fact that it wouldn’t change a thing between them. But he didn’t say any of it before Phil continued.

“It’s okay Dan, I was just waiting for you to figure it out,” he interrupted Dan’s thoughts, as if he could read them. And hell, he probably could.

*

The fact that Bella spent the entire night staring at the ceiling, impatiently waiting for time to pass, made her wonder if from now on she would only every be able to sleep in Dan’s bed again. Because then she would have a real problem, as she didn’t plan on doing that again. Sure, she had slept better than she had in weeks, months probably, but that was insane. She couldn’t just go and sleep in someone else’s bed to escape the fucking mess in her own house.

So if it was either Dan’s bed or no sleep in her own, she would just have to continue to live in her own web of confusing, dead tiring thoughts. Even if it meant that she lost more and more focus every day she stepped out on stage. It was probably only a matter of time until that would get back to her, and it did eventually.

Two days and two sleepless nights after she’d last seen the guys. In the middle of the 2nd act of Swan Lake during a special afternoon performance for local school kids.

She knew something was wrong before she even landed after a jump, and she found out she was right as soon as her feet touched the floor. She slipped and caught herself with her full weight on her right ankle. And even though her ballerina body didn’t carry that much weight, her strong ankle still wasn’t made to carry all of it unexpectedly. She learned that much when an extremely painful sting shot right through her and for a moment she feared that she at least split a bone in half. Because that was what it felt like, or what she assumed it would feel like if that happened.

Tears blurred her sight for a moment as she took a deep breath and clenched her fists around the fabric of her tutu. She looked down and realised that despite the pain, she was still able to function. So she pressed her lips together, clenched her jaw and tried to block out the aching in her ankle that spread through her leg as she took a few steps forward, unwilling to fall behind on the music and miss her cue.

It was the first time in her life that she was happy to have danced this choreography so many times that she didn’t even need the music to know what to do. It was the biggest no-no for any dancer to move on auto-pilot without even hearing the music, but then… she couldn’t even possibly hear the music over the voices in her head. And she needed to focus on the voices to keep her calm. At least calm enough to continue and make it through the rest of the act.

‘you are a ballet dancer Bella, you just deal with the pain’

‘it’s just a little bruised, a few painkillers and you’ll be fine…’

‘you need to quit that guy, it’s ruining you’

‘just a bruise… quit the guy…’

‘it’s ruining you…’

She managed to make it to the break with a symphony of those sentences repeating themselves in her head, the ones about Caleb just a little louder than the others, possibly because she knew deep down inside that that was the only part that was actually true.

When she reached her dressing room she half expected to find the complete staff there to tell her how she ruined the performance but it was surprisingly empty. It could only mean that her performance had been more convincing than she had managed to make herself believe.

She didn’t allow herself to look at the source of her pain until she fell down in the chair in front of the make-up table and carefully untied the ribbons around the injured ankle. She had about five minutes until Dana would arrive with her outfit for the final act and immediately realised she was going to need every second of it because her ankle was in a slightly swollen, pale blue-ish state. She managed to find a strip of strong painkillers in one of the drawers underneath stacks of tape, ribbons, sowing kits, bandage, mascaras, hair spray, blusher and just about one million hairpins. She pushed herself up and tried to put most of her weight on her left leg as she went to the sink to fill a glass with water. She took both pills without a pause to breath and sat back down as she waited for them to start doing their work as well as for her dresser to arrive.

She made it through the rest of the performance thanks to her new best friend the painkiller, even though she knew it was dangerous to dance on painkillers and even worse to continue with an ankle like hers without even having it checked, but the haze of the pills and the pain she still felt despite them at least blocked out any other thoughts. And they were more terrifying than this stupid injury could ever be.

*

Bella took a deep breath and then another one. Letting the air escape through her teeth slowly in order to make the bright spots that blurred her vision go away. She hadn’t made it further than three steps up the stairs after an equal amount of attempts and she was exhausted. She may be a ballerina but she wasn’t some kind of freaking Superwoman. The cab driver had been polite enough to help her out of the car and through the front door into the hall but he obviously couldn’t stay around to help her up the endless flights of stairs. Why the hell didn’t this building have an elevator anyway, she paid a shitload of rent every month. Surely they could afford it. And on top of everything else her phone had died so she couldn’t even put her pride aside to call Dan or Phil and ask for help.

So after pushing herself up a couple more steps in at least fifteen minutes, she gave up and sat down. She buried her head in her hands and blinked against tears as she tried to take a couple of deep breaths in order to clear her head. She knew that the only option she had left was to go back down and ring Dan and Phil’s bell. And she was going to… just not yet.

A warm hand on her shoulder, heavy and a bit clammy, made her jump. She rocked her head back up to look in a couple of dark, concerned eyes.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The weight of the hand that was pressing down on her shoulder made her feel oppressed and cornered so she pressed herself further back against the wall beside the stairs and shook her head. “No, don’t touch me, please,” she said and could feel tears blurring her vision. She knew she was overreacting but that thought didn’t make a difference when she was on the edge of having a panic attack. She realised she probably looked like a freak as she hadn’t even taken a shower yet or properly removed her make-up. The man who she vaguely recognised from seeing him in the hall a couple of times looked a bit startled as he finally removed his hand and raised them. “Alright, alright, calm down… it’s okay.”

He lowered himself to her level and Bella hated the look of empathy in his eyes. This guy knew nothing. “I… my ankle… I can’t….” she vaguely pointed over her shoulder in the direction of the stairs and by now this man was probably going to think she was drunk as hell, at least.

“Alright, ehm, okay…” he roughly combed two hands back over his short grey hair and nodded.

“Do you want me to help you, I can support you if you need any help?” He didn’t seem so certain anymore after Bella’s first freak-out and she shook her head.

“No… I” he offered her a hand and she shook her head firmly, and she didn’t know how exactly her head was connected to her ankle but the moment she moved it felt like somebody stabbed 20 knives in her foot.

“No, I mean, no thank you,” she said forcing herself to quit the crazy and try to act normal. The last thing she needed was to alarm any more neighbours. It was worse enough that Dan and Phil knew way too much.
“But could you maybe… could you call the guys who live on the top floor through the intercom for me? It should say Howell and Lester on the name tag, they will help me.”

The guy looked like he had his doubts when he eyed her up and backed away slowly, still keeping an eye on her as if part of him expected that she would jump out on him and kill him or something. Bella decided to ignore it and watched him descent back down the stairs towards the intercom beside the front entrance of the hall. “What do you want me to say?” he said.

“Just tell them Bella is downstairs and that she needs help getting up, they will get it, it’s fine… I’m really sorry about all of this okay,” she rambled suddenly getting a clear view of what this must look like to him. A weak, pale girl with smudged make-up and teary eyes looking all helpless and apparently unable to climb the stairs, yet she literally flinched when he even reached out a hand to help. Great. Great self-control as always. Once again it started to dawn on her that maybe Caleb had ruined her even more than she allowed herself to see.

Unfortunately, but politely, the man decided to wait until either Dan or Phil appeared. And after about 30 seconds it was Dan. She could hear his voice coming from the stairs above her asking her if she was alright and when his feet showed up beside her she dragged herself back up on one foot and looked up at him, feeling as hopeless as she’d ever felt. It cost her every last remaining bit of willpower that she could find to stop herself from bursting into tears right there and then. She was so tired and so relieved to see him. She was vaguely aware of how Dan thanked the man and told him that he would be fine with her from now on and then they were alone.

Dan eyed her up with a million questions in his dark eyes and reached out to her carefully. He wore mismatched socks in grey and black with jogging pants, his hair was a mess and she realised he had probably already been sleeping.

“I injured myself during ballet tonight and I don’t think… I can’t even fucking make it up all these fucking stairs,” she admitted, leaving out the bit where she hadn’t slept for days and ate about 5 really strong painkillers that had numbed her entirely. She should have probably told someone at the ballet but she didn’t want to be more of a problematic case than she already was. So she decided to go home and see if things would maybe be better in the morning.

But Dan didn’t need to hear all that to understand how this made her feel. “Oh God,” he said as he gathered her close. And for a comforting couple of minutes all she could feel was Dan skin, warmed by the bedsheets and the soft lightly sweet-sour smell of sleep clinging to it.

“I think this works best if I carry you,” Dan offered uncertain, not sure if Bella would allow him to. He was still rocking her from side to side in his arms slowly. She opened her eyes and lifted her head, seeing the wet stain she left in his white long-sleeved shirt.

Bella swallowed back more tears and then decided against speaking anyway. She just nodded her head and allowed Dan to smoothen a strand of hair back behind her ear. She had a feeling that she should probably make excuses for smelling like dried sweat and looking like a character from that series about zombies he and Phil love so much. But Dan didn’t make her feel like he cared and speaking seemed too much of an effort.

She shivered against him when he let go and he immediately went back to rubbing warmth into her back and arms. “We need to get you away from here,” Dan said silently and Bella just nodded again to tell him she understood. It was particularly the cold that made her shiver like that anyway. Dan descended a few steps down the stairs to get to a position where she could pretty much just step on his back and he very carefully got a hold of her thighs as he turned back around and tried his very best to not to let her feet bump into the walls or the handrail.

Bella rested her cheek on top of his shoulder and buried her nose in his neck. He also still smelled a bit like a musky, warm, expensive perfume. When they were heading for the final staircase that ended in her floor, she knew she had to speak up. “Dan?” she whispered, lips only an inch away from the skin of his neck, “please don’t leave me alone tonight.” I’m scared and I’m so tired, she thought, but hoped she didn’t have to say it out loud.

When he tried to look over his shoulder at her, he almost bumped his head against hers. Bella chuckled softly when his nose ended up brushing against hers and she could see a little smile at the corner of Dan’s mouth as he pulled his head back just a little. “I hope you didn’t actually think I would just drop you off at your door like this, I hope you think a bit more of me because I’m not… I didn’t plan to do that…” he looked up at where the door to Bella’s apartment came in sight and Bella nodded.

“If… you’re alone anyway that is.”

“Yes, Caleb is still out of the country,” she told him. To be honest, she had expected him to be back by now but apparently he would only be back tomorrow night. She tried to block out the thought of what was ahead of her and not think about the way he left. And too be honest, she’d been too busy not sleeping and almost breaking her ankle to really care now.

“This does means you’ll have to carry me up two more of these…” she whispered teasingly.

Dan puffed unimpressed. “You really don’t think much of me, do you?”

The lightness they managed to bring into the situation was probably uncalled for, but definitely desperately needed. She rested her head back down on his shoulder and by the time they finally got up all the stairs and then the rest of the ones inside the apartment, Dan was slightly out of breath and Bella chuckled when he carefully let her slide back down his back and on to her feet. “I’m not saying anything,” she said as she looked up at him.

“Hey listen, you just interrupted the first early night in I’ve had in like 40 years, I could have left you there. And are you going to tell me what the fuck happened?” He was still smiling but there was no hiding the doubtful way he bit his lip and the concern in his big brown eyes.

But she did, she told him. And when she was done he asked the only fitting question. “Shouldn’t you have this checked at the hospital?” They were still standing underneath he bright light in the hallway, right beside the glass door that led into the kitchen. The house was completely silent and all the rooms were dark, except for the streak of light that came in from underneath Dan’s closed bedroom door.

“I will need to go see the company doctor before I head into the Opera house tomorrow,” she explained, “but he’s only in twice a week so I’ll go by his office in Kensington in the morning. If you will help me get down the stairs again that is.”

This was only the short version. After she’d seen the doctor she would have to talk to the staff and probably also her physiotherapist Dean. She hoped she could go without taking time off from the company altogether but that were all things that could wait until the morning. Right now she just needed more painkillers. Preferably lots. And a shower, maybe, but if Dan would let her, that could wait.

“I’m not letting you go there by yourself. One of us will help you, it’s fine… unless…” His eyes went darker as he snapped his mouth shut.

“He’ll only be back tomorrow night.”

Bella lifted her bag off her shoulder as she still balanced her weight on one foot, barely touching the floor with the other. She could keep this up for hours if he would make her, but she definitely hoped not. When she tried to open the bag single-handedly while holding it up with the other, Dan seemed to snap out of his thoughts.

“Shit sorry, do you need a chair, I’m so… I’m such a jerk,” he said moving his arms around wildly, looking lost. Suddenly the casual, lightness of the moment was gone and Bella shook her head firmly.

“No it’s fine, could you just get me a glass of water, I can go home if you want, I’m sorry I just keep invading your house like this, it’s…”

“No, no, no. Okay. Stop. Stop,” he said quickly. “I could make the sofa bed for you but Phil is still up there working, so you can have my bed again if you don’t mind that I was asleep in it up until a minute ago.”

Bella blinked. “When I said I didn’t want to be alone, I meant it… I know I’m asking a lot of you here and I know I’m always asking a lot of you but I really… will you?”

She wasn’t sure how much of that really even made sense but she could see in Dan’s eyes the exact moment it hit him. Doubt, surprise and curiosity all crossed his face before he settled in something that he probably hoped was reserved and then he seemed to make a decision. He took her bag from her hands and wrapped an arm around her waist for support as he began to head towards his bedroom, leaving Bella no choice but to hop along by his side. Her arm firmly around his waist.

The light in his room was weaker than it seemed from the dark hallway and most of his room was hidden in dark shadows. It couldn’t hide the messy state it was in. Definitely messier than the last time she had been inside it. There were piles of clothes beside his desk and a pile of broken bed-slats on it hid his computer keyboard. A stack of papers laid on the night stand behind his teddy-bear lamp, that was the source of light in the room and Dan put her bag on top of the mattress before pulling the sheets back.

“Take your time, do whatever you need to do, I’ll go get you a glass of water. Scoot over until you find the warm spot,” he told her as he headed for his closet in the corner and pulled a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants out.

She accepted it with a smile.

Before he disappear through the door, she called his name. “Dan?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured her.

*

A/N: so i didn’t think anyone was still interested in this story because i have been very bad at uploading chapters but then a lovely anon asked for the next chapter and since i’ve literally already finished writing this fic i thought why not, so here you go !

genre: angst/smut/fluff

warnings/triggers: physical and emotional abuse/anxiety/mental illness/death/mentions of drugs/swearing/ graphic sex scenes (wow ikr)

summary: Bella is a prima ballerina who is trapped in an abusive relationship. Dan and Phil live in the apartment above her and it seems like they are the only ones who can save her. But once they get to know her things become even more complicated and messed up.

2.3k words

“Are you sure you can do this?” Phil said. Behind him on the screen Dan could see the almost finished video he had been editing all afternoon and night. He looked tired and his eyes were doing that thing where they went a bit cross because he had been staring at the screen for too long.

“Do you need me to bring you your glasses?” Dan asked, avoiding Phil’s question. He knew he needed to tell Phil about the turn his night had taken even though he didn’t want to think about what Phil had just asked him.

Phil shook his head and folded both his legs, covered in blue cookie monster pyjamas, underneath him in the leather desk chair. “I’m fine, almost done, but Dan, I’m serious.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “She needs someone and I’d rather it be me.”

Phil’s smile was weak but genuine. “Poor girl. Go back to her okay.”

Dan nodded. “You sure you don’t need your glasses?” Dan could see in Phil’s eyes that he understood Dan wasn’t just asking about the glasses. He wanted to know if Phil was okay with this. They hadn’t been together for so long but they also hadn’t really been with anyone else since. And even though this wasn’t anything like being with someone in that way, he still wanted to make sure. Because honestly, as selfish and disgusting as it may seem, Dan wasn’t sure if he could be so open-minded about this if it had been Phil and her.

Phil smiled. “I’m sure but thanks.”

*

Bella hadn’t been able to find any warm spot on the mattress so she just scooted back as far as she could and turned her back away from the door. She wasn’t aware of her eyes closing until she opened them again when she could feel the mattress dip. Immediately, she was aware of Dan’s warmth and she scooted back towards him a little. She didn’t look over her shoulder as she reached behind her to find his hand and pulled his arm around her waist. He startled for a second before relaxing into her touch. She knew she was asking a lot of him, she knew she was probably asking more of him than she should but there was something about him.

There was everything about him that she wanted close. And she just held on to the thought that he really wouldn’t agree with all of this if he didn’t want to. “I’m so sorry, Dan,” she whispered.

His arm tightened around her waist in response, felt heavy and warm through the thin fabric of the black cotton shirt he gave her. She felt his heartbeat steady against her back and the warmth of his breath in her neck. What they were doing now was really intimate and probably very inappropriate but it felt right. She felt the fabric of his checked pyjama bottoms against her bare legs – the pants he gave her had been about four times the length of her legs and wouldn’t stay up around her hips either so she left them on the floor. He spread his fingers wide across her stomach and stroke a thumb over her ribs, comforting. Reassuring.

“It’s not your fault, none of this is your fault. The only thing you should be sorry for is apologising.”

Bella blinked against tears that she really didn’t want Dan to know were there. “One more apology though, I’m sorry for not taking a shower.”

Dan hissed in her hair and she could feel how he shook his head. She didn’t have to see him to know he was smiling too. “Shut up Bella. Go the fuck to sleep.”

*

When she woke up the entire room was bathing in milky white sunlight that crept in through the curtains. The pounding in her head was stronger than the ache in her ankle and God, she was warm. Her back felt clammy against the sheets and Dan was still clinging on to her like it was a matter of life and death. And honestly, it might have been. If anything, it seemed more real. Somewhere during the night she must have rolled over to her back so she could easily see him now. Eyes closed and long dark lashes almost touching the dark circles around them that indicated a structural lack of sleep, or a messed up sleeping schedule at least. His chapped full lips were parted slightly and the way he took in steady deep breaths through his nose told her he was still fast asleep. His arm rested heavy on her stomach, the same way his leg did across her thighs. His fringe was pushed back and fanned out over the pillow and suddenly the intimacy and realness of the situation hit her like a ton of bricks.

It had been easier to deny, simpler to not to think about too much in the dark. The night could always provide a kind of protection, made everything seem a bit less real, like nothing else ever could. It was probably while she preferred night over day. As far as she knew, daylight didn’t have many pretty things to offer.

Yet she didn’t want to interrupt this, whatever it was. Or for it to end. Partly because she doubted Dan would react just as calm once he opened his eyes, but mainly because right there, laced tightly in Dan’s grip, in his bedroom and in a place where everything smelled like him, belonged to him, she felt safer than she’d ever done before.

But as if Dan could sense that she woke up, he startled beside her only a couple of minutes later. Gasping and breathing in deeply as he tensed and then relaxed against her. She looked aside to see brown eyes appear. And they were confused for a moment but she could see the exact moment it hit him. The reality that they fell asleep cuddled up in his bed and woke up just like that as well. And he smiled a freaking genuine side loped smile that lit up his sleepy eyes as he rolled onto his back and finally, regretfully gave her some space.

“Hi,” he said, brushing both hands over his face, “how’s your ankle?”

And she knew it. She knew that they should probably talk about this – everything, but it was so much easier this way, his way. So she took her time to think about the question he did ask instead. She tried moving her foot a little, carefully as well, and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant feeling, but it could have been worse. So that was what she told him.

He sat up as well, clinging to the blanket by pressing it to his sides with his elbows. His cheeks were flustered and his eyes still tiny and like that, they almost looked black.

“But I still need to go see a doctor,” she added. As if Dan hadn’t been the one that kept saying that in the first place. “Can I take a shower here or do you want me to go to my flat because I can if…” she wandered off as Dan interrupted her by raising a hand and tilting his head.

“You slept in my bed, the least I can do is let you take a shower, or a bath – which might be more convenient. My mum taught me better than that.” His eyes wandered down the length of the bed towards where he assumed her feet were underneath the covers.

“It wasn’t like that though,” Bella said without looking at him. She didn’t know why she felt so strongly about making that clear.

“No,” he said and smiled. “and I only said it because I’m not going to carry you up or down one more fucking flight of stairs,” he paused dramatically, before he waved his hands around, “ever.”

“Ever?” Bella laughed and hoped he didn’t see her flinch as she moved her feet over the edge of the bed a little too enthusiastically. “In that case… I’m just gonna have to throw myself down the stairs to the bathroom and hope for the best then.”

Bella had a feeling that he was looking everywhere but at her as she skipped around the bed on one leg in her lace panties and his big, long t-shirt. “Can’t get much worse anyway though can it?” he said with a grin as he stared at the duvet and picked at it.

She opened the door to the hallway and was welcomed by a very welcome stream of cold air. His room really was hot.

“I’ll ask Phil,” she said and the last thing she saw was his grin getting wider.

She hadn’t even made it halfway through the corridor when Dan walked past and turned in front of her. “C’mon, let’s get you in the shower and to a doctor,” he simply said.

*

After getting back upstairs Dan found Phil in the kitchen making coffee. “Have you had breakfast yet?” he asked and Dan shook his head.

“Literally just woke up, cereal and anime?” he suggested and Phil nodded.

“What about Bella?”

Dan shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t think sugary chocolate cereal is on the ballet menu, Phil.”

Phil laughed and shook his shoulders. “You’re probably right, we’ll ask her when she’s done.” He pushed a cabinet shut with his hip and picked up the two full coffee mugs from the counter. Dan followed him into the living room with their bowls of cereal. When Phil sat down and held the remote in his hand without actually doing something with it, Dan knew what was about to come.

“Did you… did anything happen?” Phil began carefully.

“No, I’m not an idiot Phil,” he said, dropping his spoon back in his cereal, thinking that maybe by ‘anything’ Phil could also mean the unnecessarily intimate position they found themselves both falling asleep and waking up in.

“Sorry,” he added before taking a bite. He hated snapping at Phil, especially when the thing that left him feeling so unsettled had nothing to do with him. And to be fair, it literally never did. He looked across at his friend, who was just looking back at him with that concerned frown in his forehead and his eyes all serious and worried. Dan hated that look because he only ever saw it when something was seriously wrong.

“Dan you should stop beating yourself up over the way you feel. It may not be ideal but it’s okay, it really is,” Phil continued, leaving his cereal untouched on the table.

Dan remained silent for a second to make sure he could still hear the shower running. Then he steered sugar through his coffee. “It’s not okay Phil, I appreciate what you are trying to do but it’s not fucking okay…” he fell back in the couch, in his perfectly moulded sofa-crease, and took a sip from his coffee. It was still way too hot and it burned his tongue.

“You know what I am like, you have gotten to know me at my lowest, saw more of my darker sides than I maybe would have liked and you saved me from it…” He paused to rearrange the words in his head. “You pulled me through, taught me about positivity and I’m doing well… i’m happier than i’ve ever been… but you know what I can get like and what is always lurking. My mind is always so fucking full and I’m always worrying, thinking, trying to figure things out, life, everything. And just when I finally for the first time in maybe ever, am doing quite fucking well – I go and fall for someone. And not just for a girl that could maybe add something nice to my life or whatever. No, I go and fall in love with her.”

“I think everything you just said was pretty self-explanatory Dan,” Phil said after a few moments of silence. “Of course you don’t fall in love with just a girl that might bring something nice to your life. You don’t need something nice in your life Dan, because it is pretty freaking good as it is and you know it. You fall in love with Bella because she is like you in so many ways. She’s got a troubled soul and a pretty dark mind of her own so you don’t have to explain these things to her. She can just talk to you and God knows what else there is left to talk about…. You fall in love with her because she can make you laugh, you fall in love with her because you got to know her at hér lowest and still see the beautiful sides of her. Like I did when I met you. And you fell in love with her because she’s a pretty amazing, beautiful, smart and funny girl on top of it all, C’mon Dan – don’t be so hard on yourself. And don’t make it sound like she is poison.”

Dan sighed and put his coffee on the table, thinking that if he did anything to make his heart race any faster, it would burst through his chest. “No, she’s not. She’s the opposite of that, but isn’t that the problem Phil?”

It was a rhetorical question and Phil didn’t have an answer either. The worry in his eyes had mixed with pity. “I don’t hear the water running anymore, I better go check if she needs any help.”

Phil just nodded as Dan stood up. And there was nothing he could have said to tame the storm in his mind and the thunder in his racing heart at that moment anyway. Everything had become such a fucking mess. Wasn’t love supposed to make him feel all giddy and excited instead of straight-up fucking terrified and confused? And to be fair, he wasn’t even that sure if it was just here he was in love with.

*

Dan stayed downstairs after Bella came out of the shower. All rosy skin and wet hair that smelled like Phil’s Elvive shampoo. One of their caramel coloured towels that barely covered his private parts when he wrapped it around himself was like a knee-long dress to her and she clung to it tightly. She told him that she would make it up the stairs by herself this time and that he should go take a shower as well. He, of course, tried to fight her but she was having none of it, of course. So he only watched her clumsily hoist herself up the first two steps before shutting the bathroom door behind him. It was only going to make him worry and offer her more help.

When he came back upstairs he found Bella and Phil on the couch in the lounge, providing last night’s Take Me Out of a running commentary.

“But he’s cute, c’mon,” Phil said in a tone that suggested that Bella had just said the opposite. The blonde guy on TV was really milking his performance as he hesitantly hovered his hand above the button in front of one of his potential dates. Just to buzz her off eventually.

“You’re only saying that because he shares your passion for weird Japanese anime,” Bella replied, making them both laugh.

Dan looked at Bella and realised how beautifully misplaced she actually looked in their boyish nerdy lounge, sitting on their grey couch . And he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before. She wore ankle-long black Adidas leggings with a plain oversized black t-shirt he lend her and a pair of mis-matched checked socks that could only belong to Phil. Her hair was a long honey blonde mess around her pale white face and she hadn’t bothered with make-up at all. Or at least he didn't think so, he hadn't watched enough beauty videos to be sure. 

He wore a Givency t-shirt, but no designer clothes were going to live up to her natural gracefulness. The thing was though that she was so completely unaware of it. She was one of those people who never even had to raise her voice for attention. Attention that she didn’t even necessarily craved. She was probably fine with sitting in a room quietly while everybody was desperately and unsuccessfully trying to figure out how to reach her. She probably preferred to let the art of ballet speak for her. She didn't even seem particularly confident when she couldn’t drown herself in bright stage lights, painful pointes and stage make-up and her straight posture had probably more to do with her ballet background than her self-esteem but she didn't seem too bothered with other people's opinions at the same time. It was odd, he had known her for a while now, yet she was a fucking mystery right there on his couch.

When he tuned back in to the conversation, it seemed like Phil had convinced Bella of the guy’s potential as she nodded her head and told Phil that okay, she would probably give him a chance to prove himself during a date. “But only because he has two dogs,” she insisted.

*

The company doctor, doctor Knightly, visited the ballet a few times a week during the season but of course the one time Bella needed him, was not one of those days. So Dan and her took a cab to his office in Kensington. Even though Bella insisted that she could go on her own, Dan refused to let her.

In the backseat of the cab, just as they drove past Hyde Park, he turned around at her. “You need to stop doing that Bella, you need to stop degrading yourself to try to make things easier for others. You´re worth a whole lot more than you think…” he paused and for a second it was as if his brown eyes could see right through her.

“it’s not something I do on purpose you know,” she admitted after a while. Which was basically the same as admitting that she really didn’t think much of herself, which was also true. But she decided that there was no point in lying to Dan as for maybe the first time ever, she truly believed that all he was trying to do was help her.

Dan turned around to her a bit more and placed a hand on her forearm. “I know, that’s the heart breaking part….” He removed his hand as quickly as he put it there and sat back with his shoulder against the backrest of his seat as they were waiting for a traffic light. When he continued he spoke softer.

“And I know that right now you maybe don’t have a lot of reason to believe my words but you are worth so much more than people make you feel. You deserve the world Bella and you are just going to have to accept that me and Phil will forever remind you of that.”

“That fella is a keeper, gorgeous” the taxi-driver suddenly came in between as he looked from Bella to Dan and back through the rear-view mirror and Bella just smiled, exchanging a glance with a slightly embarrassed looking Dan. Clearly they hadn’t been as quiet as they intended to be. She decided not to make the driver any wiser so she just told him: “I know,” before turning back to Dan. Really whispering this time.

“You have no idea how thankful I am for you and Phil but I do not expect for you to be my saviours. I am going to have to deal with it myself but I really appreciate everything you’ve done so far…” she paused and then felt like there was one more thing she should get out of the way before they would arrive at Doctor Knightleys office and this moment of semi privacy and honesty would be gone again. “And another thing… you can just call Caleb by his name if you address him. There really is no need to be so vague, it’s kind of ridiculous that you both still feel like you have to avoid the subject when you already know so much. And trust me… I’m working towards telling you a whole lot more… but we need to fix this little problem here first,” she said awkwardly lifting her leg a little.

“Can’t really put up a fight if I can barely stand, right?”

There was something in his expression as he looked across at her that made her afraid to ask about it. So she left it and just hoped he understood how thankful she was. Not just for today, or even all the times he offered to help. But mostly for the times when he didn’t and was just there. Both of them.

*

It was a busy morning for doctor Knightly, and they were welcomed by many pairs of eyes shooting in their direction as they entered the waiting room. There were no seats left in the white Victorian style room with classical painted ceilings and high windows but a guy immediately stood up for her as he caught Bella stumbling through the door. Bella thanked him instead of declining the offer, with Dan’s speech from before still fresh on her mind, and he gave her a meaningful glance as he came standing beside her. She looked around at the pictures of the Royal Ballet that were put up on the walls. One of them was a large black and white picture of herself, as Odette in Swan Lake. She didn’t come here a lot, but on the rare occasion she did, that picture made her feel highly uncomfortable. And even though she was sure that Dan recognised her – she saw him looking – he didn’t say anything.

She was glad when the doctor’s assistant finally called out her name and told her the doctor was ready for her.

“I’ll wait right here,” said Dan, smiling encouragingly as she pushed herself up out of her chair and he took her place.

After ten long minutes in which the doctor pushed her ankle in all kinds of impossible positions and kept pressing exactly where it hurt he finally sat down behind his desk and typed something into his computer. Which was for the better because she had been very close to kicking him in the face at that point.

“No need to keep the act up in here miss May,” the doctor said without looking up from his computer as Bella gracefully tried to jump off the examination bed without landing on her ankle. He waited until she sat down opposite him at his desk until he continued.

“At this moment the ankle isn’t sprained, it’s severely bruised and we’re going to have to treat it with lots of ice and elevation. You need to make an appointment with your company physician so he can help you do exercises…”

Bella nodded as she looked at the doctor, feeling a little hope inside. So far he hadn’t said anything she didn’t expect. She had been dancing long enough to know how to deal with a bruised ankle.”

“However… and this is the part that I know you don’t want to hear: you’ll also have to limit your weight bearing activities and you need to rest for a week. And rest, miss May, for you equals no dancing. Whatsoever.”

Bella’s eyes widened. “I’m not in the position to just be able to take a week off, it’s almost Christmas.”

“That is exactly why you need this rest or you may not be dancing the Christmas season at all. We don’t want to make it worse do we, miss May. I will pass the message on to the board for you, doctor’s orders – but you might want to stop by and talk to them yourselves as well. And talk to Dean, he’s your physiotherapist within the company right?”

Bella confirmed this to him and knew that she also had to go see Poltrowski, the company director to inform him about her involuntary week off. All of this wasn’t ideal but she realised that it could have been a lot worse. And would become a lot worse if she didn’t listen to doctor Knightly. She had no other choice. Even though being imprisoned in her own house was the last thing she needed right now.

When Bella stumbled back out through the door that the doctor held open for her, she was on crutches that he provided her with and Dan stood up immediately. The room was possibly even busier than before and he tilted his head, asking the question without talking.

“No dancing for a week miss May, I’m just making sure the fine young man over there heard it as well so he can keep an eye on you,” the doctor said quietly as he walked her over to Dan.

Dan smiled a bit uncomfortable at doctor Knightly, who probably assumed Dan was in the position to keep an eye on her on a daily basis and told him will do.

Outside Bella sighed heavily.

“You okay?” Dan asked, in the meantime scanning the street for a cab. He placed his hand on the small of her back to guide her across the pavement and closer to the street. It was busy, the way London always is, but not as bad as on their way there. It was a little after ten now.

“I will be,” Bella said with a smile. “And hopefully very soon.” 

*

On the way back in the cab, Bella’s phone rang. She fumbled through her bag to retrieve it from the bottom and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Caleb’s name pop up on the screen. She hoped she answered quick enough to hide the photo from Dan. It was quite an intimate one of them on a lounger on a private beach on Hawaii. She was sitting behind him topless with her chin on his shoulder. That was a picture from back when everything was still a fairy tale. She should change it probably, because she couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled so carelessly that it even reached her eyes.

“Hey,” she said, swallowing a lump in her throat as she looked away from Dan and out of the window. They were barely moving and she hated to have to talk to him in such a small space with Dan beside her.

“Hey babe,” he said calmly, immediately throwing Bella off.

“What were you doing at the doctor’s this morning?”

“How do you know I was there?” she asked suspiciously, wondering if she should have expected this. And also wondering why the hell she hadn’t even thought of calling him to tell him about her accident earlier. She could feel Dan looking at her and tried her best to ignore it.

“A friend of mine saw you there, judging by your reaction he wasn’t lying, what’s going on Bella?” the softness in his voice was gone but he was still trying to fake it now.

“I was going to call you when I get home, I’m still on my way back in the cab, I sprained my ankle, I need to take a week off and I’m going to need physiotherapy. It’s not that bad… thank God.”

“When did this happen?” he asked, even though Bella had a feeling that she should be the one asking questions. It was highly unlikely that a friend of his, whoever the hell that was supposed to be, saw her in that couple of minutes they had been outside of the doctor’s office and she hadn’t recognised anyone inside the waiting room either. But then, she didn’t even know who Caleb spent his days with half of the time. But somehow she had a feeling that this wasn’t as coincidental as Caleb made it seem. It wouldn’t be the first time she had a feeling he had someone spying on her when he was away.

“Bella?” Caleb said only managing to sound half-patient.

“Yesterday,” she answered.

“He said you were with a boy, was this one of your new friends?”

For a split second Bella considered if it was worth taking the risk to lie. Then she shook her head. “Yes, I didn’t know who else to call and I needed some help and…”

“Is he with you right now?” Bella looked across at Dan, who was still looking back at her. She had a feeling that it wasn’t just worry in his eyes. His expression was too hard for just that. And she knew the reason why. She knew what she behaved like. Like a fucking submissive, scared little bitch. She even had a special way of using her voice when she spoke to him. All soft and innocent, trying real hard not to say or do anything to make him lose it.

“No, he is not with me right now,” Bella said closing her eyes. Dan mirrored her expression and looked away.

“Good,” Caleb said, with a weird hint of relief in his voice. “You should have called me.”

“Well you weren’t exactly in the position to help and I didn’t want to call you and have you worry for no reason at all.” So many lies.

“I’m on my way home right now baby girl. I’ll be there to take care of you.”

Bella caught herself smiling a weak smile in the reflection of the window. She hated when he called her that because she loved it when he did. That was her favourite pet name of his that always brought her back to those first couple of months. He had only used it a dozen of times since and it always got to her. She was also about 90% sure Dan had heard him say it.

“I’m sorry about everything that happened before I left okay?” Caleb added. “I was just tired and I’m so scared of losing you that I overreact sometimes.”

For the first time in forever Bella felt like she could let her guard down a little bit. And somewhere deep down she knew it was a mistake, but she didn’t have to energy to do anything with it. If things could be normal for a week, that was better than nothing. “It’s okay.”

When she ended the conversation and tossed her phone back in her bag that stood on the seat between them, she turned at Dan. “I’m sorry okay,” she said. “I really am.”

“Yeah don’t worry about it,” Dan said but Bella felt that something had changed and they barely spoke for the rest of the journey home. Or when Dan followed closely behind her as she dragged herself up the stairs. It was easier with crutches thought it was still quite a lot of effort. But at least she didn’t need any help now.

As they reached her floor Dan handed her bag over to her and smiled. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do okay?” he said distantly.

Bella nodded. “Yeah thanks… for everything.”

Dan pressed his lips together in an attempt to smile. “That’s fine.”

*

“I shouldn’t have send her home like that,” Dan suddenly said to Phil that night as they were setting up to film the next gaming video. The 7th Sims video.

“Why not? You helped her so much already and she appreciates that a lot. She knows that. Besides, there is nothing you can do for her right now anyway. That’s up to him now.”

“Yeah but that’s part of the problem isn’t it. She keeps falling for him. I think there is still this huge part of her that wants to believe in this lie they created. I heard it happening right in front of me Phil. He called her baby girl or something like that and I could just see her soften, loosen up.”

Phil nodded, switching the light on and blinding them both for a second. “I’m sure he has his ways… but that is something we can’t help her with Dan,” he said blinking heavily in order to get his eyes to adjust. “She needs to figure that out for herself and I know it’s hard but what are you gonna do? We’re just gonna have to hope that he will show his true colours again very soon and we know he will.”

“It feels wrong hoping for that though doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does,” Phil said pulling the black desk chair back for Dan to sit on it. “but that is the only way.”

*

The constant fight between feeling relieved and waiting for something to happen was even more tiring than not being able to do anything. Caleb had been an role model boyfriend ever since he came home the evening after she went to see the doctor. And the ballet staff. Who had been more than understanding about her having to take a week off. Not that they had a choice. They probably realised damn well they couldn’t risk losing their company star just before the start of the most important season of the year. Christmas was around the corner and they needed her for it, so if she had to take the week off, she had to take the week off. It was as simple as that. And dead boring as well.

And that, at least was something she couldn’t say about being at home with Caleb. Because there was that constant fear that something could happen. That she would say something that could make Caleb remember that he left with the promise to get back to her about the whole Dan and Phil incident on premiere night. But there was nothing of that so far.

So far he had just provided her with movies, good food and nice company. So much and so frequent that she dared to think back to what it was once like with him. And that, she knew, was a very, very dangerous place for her. Because she was most vulnerable if she was about to forget all the bad things that were happening and that had happened since. And she wished she could say that she wouldn’t let herself go that far again, she had hit rock bottom many times. More than enough for her to remember not to fall for his tricks again but even though she felt that things were different now, she didn’t trust herself. Not with him and definitely not with herself.

And as hours turned into days and more and more time of the week disappeared into the past, Bella felt herself longing for a moment alone. For Caleb to just leave the house already and stop showering her with conversation and kisses. She had tried asking him if he didn’t have to do things with the ballet, but that only resulted in him accusing her of not being thankful for his help.

So she hadn’t asked again, afraid that he would suspect why she wanted him gone. Because truth was that she needed to see Dan and Phil. She needed them to give her a reality check and mostly, she needed to be able to just breathe. Because her ankle might have started to heal, but everything else felt tense. Everything from her jaw, all the way down her back and even her toes.

It was the house, his presence, everything in her subconsciousness that was always constantly reminding her to stay alert.

So when on Thursday night, Caleb finally announced that he had to go out for a couple of hours - no explanation where to and why - she had to fight very hard to not to sound too relieved when she told him not to hurry and that she would be fine on her own.

“I won’t be gone for long but call me if you need anything,” he said bending over the backrest of the couch to press a kiss on her forehead.

She told herself to wait five minutes after he was gone but only managed to count to 56 before she got up off the couch. Quicker than she should have because there immediately was a faint pain in her ankle to remind her of the reason why she was home in the first place. But she needed to get out, she’d been trapped in the house with Caleb for days and it started to suffocate her.

Another minute later she stood eye in eye with Dan as he opened the door for her and his eyes lit up as he opened his arms wide.

“Bella, finally,” he said as he hugged her tight before letting her step inside. “How are you? How is your ankle, you look good?” he said after eying her up and down.

She highly doubted that was true as she hadn’t bothered with make-up and just wore a pair of black jeans and an oversized grey t-shirt with flip-flops that had been a pain to keep on her feet as she dragged herself up the stairs on crutches.

“I’m alright,” she said, half lying, half telling the truth because it was definitely better now that she was here. “Everything has been quite calm so that is good, I guess.”

“That is good,” Dan agreed with her. “Do you need help?” he said nodding over his shoulder towards the stairs and she shook her head. “I’m good.”

Upstairs it was silent and Dan explained that Phil had gone out to meet with a friend from university he hadn’t seen in ages. He pulled a hand through his hair, causing his fringe to look like a quiff and it reminded her of that time he woke up beside her. That seemed like something from a different life almost. Something they never mentioned and therefore started to feel like it never happened. And maybe, that was for the better.

Bella sat down on the couch as Dan got them some drinks and she picked up his laptop from the armrest. He was browsing through Tumblr and she started scrolling through his dashboard absentmindedly.

“Are you on Tumblr?” he asked as he came in and kicked the door shut with his foot. Bella shook her head. She wasn’t really active on any social media because Caleb had indoctrinated her with his conspiracy theories about the internet so to avoid endless discussions she’d just deactivated all of her profiles except Twitter because the ballet still liked her to use it every now and then. But she didn’t tell any of that to Dan.

“Good for you,” he said as he sat down beside her and she put his laptop back on his lap. He continued to scroll down the page and reblogged an aesthetically pleasing picture or sarcastic meme occasionally. And Bella loved just sitting there, pointing out things on his screen and laughing about it. It was the kind of carefree, thoughtless distraction she needed.

“Do you ever look for yourself on here?” she asked after a while and Dan laughed. “I do,” he admitted with slight, sarcastic, regret in his eyes.

“Mainly to check out the amazing fan art my subscribers post on there, although some of it is amazingly disturbing.”

He hovered the mouse over to the corner of the screen and typed ‘danisnotonfire’.

The first thing that popped up was a really good drawing that he clicked like on before continuing to scroll. There was a lot of photoshop edits of him and Kanye West, a lot of jokes that had to do with his latest video, the occasional heartfelt fan-letter and a whole bunch of memes.

“To be honest I expected a lot more of you and Phil, from what i’ve seen so far there are many people out there who like the idea of you and Phil together.”

He folded his legs underneath him and looked at her. “Oh there is loads of that but our viewers made it their mission to keep the main tags clean, it’s all there in the Phan tag.”

To demonstrate, he typed in the word and entered the world of fan fiction, cute and sexual drawings, many screenshots of really old tweets and videos and so many theories that they labeled as ‘phan proof’.

Bella looked at Dan. He seemed pretty indifferent to all of it as he scrolled through all the things people made and said about him and his best friend. She tried to imagine what it would be like if people made those things about her and one of her friends, she didn’t think she would like it as much. “Doesn’t this bother you?”

Dan sighed, looked aside as if he was trying to decide something and then closed the lid on his laptop. “I think it’s time I tell you a few things…” he began, immediately Bella could see something change in the way he acted. He seemed a little more on edge and couldn’t sit still. He leaned forward to grab his drink, took a sip and sat back, then leaned back in to put his drink back on the table. He shuffled in his seat and pulled a hand through his hair repeatedly.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, you know…” she said hesitantly. The last thing she wanted was for him to say things he’d regret.

“No, it’s fine. It’s just not something we ever talk about and you have to promise me that you won’t either… but back in the day, all the way back in 2009/2010, Phil and I used to date. So all those things you just saw on there about the early days, they’re pretty much true. I met Phil when I was in a very, very dark place myself. I know you know what I mean because I see parts of myself, of that darkness, in you.”

He paused to see her reaction but she just looked back at him, with those big eyes that made it seem like she could really see everything and she nodded. “I know, and i’m sorry.”

“That’s okay but the thing is back then, all my friends had gone off to university and I took a gap year because I had no idea what the hell I wanted to do with my life but damn I was lonely… so I found my escape online, on YouTube and I found this beautiful boy with an even more beautiful mind and back then the community wasn’t what it is now so I started tweeting him and he started responding to me almost right away and those silly conversations about Muse and movies soon turned into endless late night Skype calls and long story short it lead to us falling in love and to Phil rescuing me. I owe everything to him. From my entire career to my happiness. It was all Phil.”

Bella had tears in her eyes and she couldn’t even really say why. But that was the most genuine she had ever seen him and also one of the most beautiful stories she’d ever heard. Maybe it was simply because that was exactly what she had been looking for and thought she had found with Caleb. Someone to rescue her and to help her. Someone who would just open their arms for her and show her all the things she had never been able to see. Someone who made her want to fight to stay alive instead of just wanting to be dead. And to be honest she wasn’t even that surprised that Phil had been the one person to do that for Dan.

“it’s still there though isn’t it? The way you two treat each other… that’s quite a rare thing. I’ve noticed it. I think everybody does.”

“Yeah well, I love Phil. He’s my soulmate, the only person on this earth who really, truly knows everything.” For a second Bella was sure she saw tears well up behind his eyes as well but when he blinked, it was gone and he continued to speak. “…but we were young at the time, I was anyway. I was vulnerable, naive. And we did things, put things on the internet that we shouldn’t have and it became this huge thing. Because you’re right, everybody noticed that we didn’t just like to sit and talk about Muse. We used to sit and talk about Muse and then fuck to their songs. But the myth began to change what we had for the worse and we really didn’t want that. So when we noticed that it started to make things difficult for us we kind of just decided that we were better of as friends.”

“That must have been hard and it’s kind of unfair as well isn’t it. Phil could be, might just be the love of your life.”

“I’ve thought about that a lot, especially just after it happened and that year, 2012, wasn’t a good year for me, or for me and Phil or for my relationship with my subscribers. I was so angry and so frustrated. To me it was like the people who gave me so much, my viewers, also took away the one thing from me that I really wanted, but it’s a lot better now. It just naturally floated into us being best friends once we realised that we were better of as friends rather than nothing at all.”

After that they remained silent for the longest time. Bella found it hard to let go of the feeling that part of it was so unfair because to her it sounded like they wanted to be together but at the same time she respected them for handling it so well. They had sacrificed their relationship to safe their friendship, which had to be one of the bravest, strongest things you could do for love and she was sat there struggling to escape from her abusive boyfriend.

“Do you… do you ever listen to classical music whenever you’re not dancing?” Dan suddenly interrupted the silence. Bella saw him scrolling through a Spotify playlist.

“I do, just not during times when i’m at the ballet like 24/7. Do you?”

“Yeah, mostly when i’m working or when I really don’t want to listen to other peoples misery you know… when my mind is full enough as it is…”

He clicked play on the screen and the room started to fill with soothing piano music.

“Rachmaninov,” she said almost immediately. “I love this one, it’s dark and haunting but also comforting.”

“oh my god yes, yes exactly!” Dan said, sitting up and nodding his head.

She smiled. “It kind of makes me want to dance though…” her eyes wandered down to her ankle. She noticed improvement and she had already talked to her physiotherapist. They were going to start therapy in a couple of days and honestly, she couldn’t wait to get back to work. Sitting around doing nothing just wasn’t her kind of thing. Which was funny because sometimes during the really busy times she thought that that was exactly what she wanted. Well, turns out it wasn’t all that great.

“But you can’t, remember?” Dan reminded her. She looked over at him and saw the concern that immediately appeared in his dark eyes. As if he expected her to start jumping around and do ten pirouettes in a row. And maybe some of his concern was legit because she already carefully found herself bending her foot to see how her ankle would respond to it. But she didn’t dare to go far enough for it to actually get in the right position, scared of what she might feel. And even though she didn’t think Dan would notice, he must have seen something on her face because he got up from the couch and grinned.

“Come on, hop on,” he said gesturing to his back. “I will do it for you.”

Bella laughed. “What?! Ballet?”

“You’ll be surprised,” he said confidently and Bella did what her was told. She jumped onto his back, his long fingers folding around her thighs and her arms linking around his neck.

It was a lie. He didn’t have a hidden talent for ballet and if anything, he was struggling not to fall over. But she couldn’t remember the last time she laughed so much as Dan piggybacked her across the living room, doing what he thought were ballet moves as he told her to put her arms in matching positions. She saw their reflection in their red pixelated mirror above the fireplace and just when Dan was in the middle of his finale, balancing on the ball of his foot as he arched his other leg to imitate a retire position while Bella graciously arched her arms above their heads, the door opened and Phil walked in.

He laughed as he took a moment to take in the situation as he dropped a plastic bag from Tesco’s on the floor and dumped his backpack next to it.

“Are you making a career change, Dan?” he said eventually as Dan still held on to Bella’s thighs and she let her arms fall down across his chest, her palms resting somewhere at rib hight.

“I wouldn’t recommend it,” Bella said laughing as she rested her chin on top of Dan’s head for a second. “This mess of arms and legs can’t dance for shit.”

“Hey, this is the Dance Dance Revolution champion you’re talking to,” Dan protested as he carefully let Bella slide down his body, back on her feet and looked at her pretending to be hurt. She playfully bumped her fist against Dan’s upper arm.

“Yeah well, I don’t think we’ll be seeing a Ballet Challenge Tag on DandandPhilGames anytime soon,” Phil said grinning.

*

Bella ended up staying at Dan and Phil’s way too long and by the time she returned home, Caleb was already there. Ready and waiting in the hallway. And before she could even blink he had her pressed up against the door, one hand firmly around her upper arm, the other around her throat.

“Where the fuck have you been?” he hissed as Bella gasped and found herself adjusting to the situation alarmingly quickly.

“Please be careful with my ankle,” she managed to say.

“I don’t give a fuck about your ankle if you don’t tell me where the hell you’ve been.” His eyes were distant and hazy and he looked like he was miles away. The vein above his temple was twitching and she knew he had gone out to score. He added a little more pressure to her throat and began to dig his fingernails in the skin on her arm.

“What are you gonna do?” Bella said, terrified, hurting her throat as she pushed the lump aside and forced herself to speak. She couldn’t show him the fear he probably saw in her eyes anyway. He would destroy her.

“The possibilities are endless, baby girl,” he whispered. Bella blinked and shook her head with force. She wouldn’t let him ruin the one good memory she had left.

He ran a finger across her jaw and she looked away, pushing herself even tighter against the door in order to restore any tiny bit of space she could get in that position.

“You’re a monster.” The words left her mouth before they even properly appeared on her mind and for an instance she saw it. Humanity in Caleb’s eyes, as if, for one second, he had a good look at himself and how he was holding her up against the doorframe still. But then he just chuckled, eyes going dark - even darker possibly.

“Who told you that, your boyfriends? They probably just let you talk Bella. Let your stories bring a little danger, a little excitement to their boring lives… but nobody else will believe you, so what are YOU gonna do? You’re crazy…”

Bella tensed up, clenching her fists as her eyes started to water. “Do NOT call me crazy,” she insisted.

But Caleb just kept talking. “Who do you think the people will believe, Bella? Me, that kind, funny American, who gave up the good life he had there, in the hopes of making it big in rainy, miserable London, or you - the scarred ballet star with a history in mental illness. People are going to think that maybe it’s just too much for you Bella, the pressure of always having to be beautiful, of always having to be perfect. Because you are not, are you? You’re a little hypocritical slut. Did you hang out with your new boyfriends a lot while I was gone? I bet you did. You made a fool out of me on premiere night Bella, don’t you think I forgot about that. Lots of people saw you leave with those boys and you left me to clean up your messes. As usual.”

*

One story higher Dan turned the volume of his loudest, angriest Spotify playlist up even louder. The music hurt his ears and his brain but right now he really needed the words that told the story of other people’s pain to drain out his own. He kept his eyes squeezed shut. Scared of the tears that were undoubtedly going to roll out of their corners if he would open them. He saw that Phil had send him a text, a kind-hearted, silly distraction from what they both knew was going on downstairs. Lots of emojis at the end. But he ignored it, was done pretending. He was on to something. A plan, something to make it stop - and he was going to tell her next time he could see her.

Because it was killing him like it always had. The difference being that she had been on his couch literally 30 minutes ago. Big eyes that lost their vivid sparkle long before he met her, yet she could still enjoy the little things. He had seen her do it. Numerous times. That time they went out for dinner when she should have been with Caleb and also just now. When he had been doing pirouettes through the lounge. He didn’t dance for fucks sake, unless there was something in it for him, like with DDR or even Just Dance. But apparently also when it was just to make her smile. And it worked. But at what price?

It had to stop because sooner or later - the price would be her life. And he didn’t think he would be able to live with that. He wasn’t going to be that guy who just sat and listened and pretended to be blind - deaf. Because what would that make him? Wouldn’t that make him just as bad, even worse maybe? He wasn’t going to sit around and wait for the answer. It was going to stop.

*

“Cameras?” she said, eyes going big, every muscle in her body going tense. It was the exact same reaction as Phil’s - at first. But he had come around quickly. Dan had a feeling that with Bella, it was going to take a little longer. But that was alright. He had the time - she would see it too eventually, that this could make it end.

She looked across the room at Phil for help, an explanation maybe on how he let Dan convince him that this was a good idea.

“What are you gonna do with the footage, i’m pretty sure that’s not legal.” She shifted in her seat and fumbled with the strap on her bag. She was going back to the ballet for therapy for the first time later that day so maybe this wasn’t the right time for this conversation but he didn’t want to wait any longer. So that’s exactly what he told her when he texted her.

“I know, but at least we’ll have some kind of proof that is stronger than just your words and i’m pretty sure the things he’s doing to you are not legal either…” Dan said, he was done being tactical. Done pretending that everything wasn’t as fucked up as it was. It had gone on for an entire hour the other night. And when it stopped she had managed to text him. ‘I’m okay,’ was all it said and it had made him throw his phone across the room.

“I talked to one of my uni friends and they told me it’s best to collect as much evidence as possible. Does he ever say threaten you in texts or something?”

Bella swallowed and he realised that this was probably the first time he ever asked her these things so bluntly. Then she shook her head. “Just in phone calls, he’s smart.”

“We have these tiny cameras that are easy to hide in furniture, books, cd cases, anything really,” Phil backed Dan up. He had only shared his plan with the other boy that morning but after what they both heard last night, they agreed that this was better than doing nothing at least. “We wanted to use them for a prank but then decided we’re not really pranksters,” Phil continued.

Dan looked at Bella. She sat in the arm chair by the window, her legs pulled up underneath her. A grey knitted jumper pulled down over her hands. She looked fragile but not necessarily worse than before. It was creepy how you couldn’t tell what she had been through just the other night. Unless you looked really closely you didn’t notice the faint marks at the side of her neck or the way she was shaking ever so slightly.

“We’re not doing it without your consent,” Phil said and Dan was glad that he took the lead. Dan knew from experience that Phil was good at making people look at things differently. Change their perspective and clear their minds. It’s pretty much what he had done to Dan when they first got to know each other, it’s what he had to do before he could even get around to doing anything else. “But I personally think that it can’t make things worse, so the only thing it can do is to make it better, don’t you think?”

She didn’t think so. Not yet anyway. It took them about thirty more minutes of discussing the possibilities and she wanted to know every single detail about the plan, even the ones they hadn’t even planned out yet but then, eventually she said yes. By then she was crying, kept saying that she was so ashamed and felt really stupid so Phil got up from the couch and sat down at the arm rest beside her, pulling her in his arms for a sideway hug. He could see his friend squeezing her tight until her breathing calmed down and the tears stopped staining her cheeks red and he caught himself thinking how he needed one of those hugs. He hated himself for it.

“Will you… walk me out?” Bella then interrupted his thoughts as she lifted her bag over her shoulder and smiled weakly. Everything about her seemed so weak, so fragile. It made Dan very reluctant to let her go outside by herself, but he knew better than to say that to her so he just nodded and followed her out after she hugged Phil goodbye.

She didn’t turn around to him until she was outside the front door. “Caleb should be gone for the next couple of days, he’s in Poland with the company, you guys can come over tonight if you want, i’ll make pasta. Celebratory stalker dinner,” she said and Dan was sure he saw a hint of amusement in her eyes. He had no idea how the hell she did it.

“You’re very brave,” he said as he stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms. And while he did that he realised he could probably count the times he touched her on two hands and that was a weird thing considering they spooned together. He squeezed her boney shoulders and she pulled him closer with her hands flat against his spine.

“I’ll see you tonight on our hidden camera date,” he said because he knew she could handle it. She laughed and Dan kept looking at her until she was gone.

He didn’t know much about ballet, but Swan Lake had impressed him. He remembered its two important characters. A black swan, Odile, and a white swan, Odette. Odile was dark, impassionate, strong and confident. Odette was lighthearted, romantic, fragile and graceful.

Bella was both, and everything at the same time.

*

Her first therapy session with Dean went fine. She had already noticed a lot of improvement during her week of rest and the fact that she was back at the ballet was enough to make her feel better in general. Dean’s exercises were painful but effective. He provided her with ice compresses and tape and told her that she should be back and running within another week, which made her even more determined to stick to the plan he made for her.

If Dean noticed the marks in her neck he didn’t say anything about it. And if he would have asked why she acted like her muscles were sore after an entire week of rest, she would just have blamed the crutches. She had done this long enough, she could make up excuses on the spot. But Dean just focussed on getting her to do the exercises as good as possible and too soon, the session was over and he left her with the promise of testing her harder the next day.

Bella didn’t want to go home just yet because the last thing she wanted to do was sit around in her apartment for hours to wait for Dan and Phil to come around with their crazy camera plan. She did some quick research on the way to the ballet in the cab and Google taught her that even if they were able to capture evidence on tape, it was still very likely that the victim had to testify. Which made sense but it also terrified her immensely, because even though she acted tough and she wanted out more than anything, she was also still so scared. So even though she gave her consent she also insisted that she was going to decide what would happen with the footage and if she decided against taking it to the police after all, they would just have to live with that. She had seen on their faces that they had a hard time understanding why she wouldn’t want to take it to the police but she couldn’t blame them for that. They didn’t know what it was like. They tried their best to understand and help her and she couldn’t thank them enough for that but at the end of the day they had no idea. But that was okay, as long as they respected her wishes. And it looked like they did. So that’s why she said yes.

But it was only 2 in the afternoon and on top of that it was raining so she decided to go up to the costume department on the top floor of the building to pick up a new pair of pointes she ordered before the whole injury incident.

There were about 6 people in the spacious elevator and she only recognised half of them but she could feel that they all knew who she was. That was one of the downsides of being the prima ballerina. Every single person within the company had heard of you and usually also wanted something from you. Mostly, your position. Two young teenage girls smiled nervously at her and Sir Dormant, a French choreographer and ex-ballet dancer was the only one who greeted her. With his thick accent.

“Good afternoon miss Bella, it’s good to see you up on your feet and without crutches.”

Bella smiled politely. This man was the reason why she knew as much French as she did because he refused to speak English during his classes even though he could do it fluently, which he just proved. And it wasn’t like she would ever be able to use her knowledge in France, because she highly doubted she would ever have to explain a dance routine to someone there. Or to just random tell someone that they were absolutely worthless. She didn’t really like Dormant because in his eyes, nothing was ever good enough, even when it was. Which was good to make people work even harder but she couldn’t help but feel like even now he was judging her.

“Yes, i’m doing a lot better thank you,” she replied as she kept her eyes focussed on the number of floors that kept going up. She didn’t like being trapped in small spaces. The fact that the two girls kept staring at her didn’t make it any better.

And when they kept swarming around her as she got out on the top floor she stopped walking, took a deep breath and turned around to them.

“Is there anything I can do for you girls?” she said politely. They were nervous and giggly and the taller girl pushed at the shoulder of the other, dark haired girl with the burgundy lips. She had noticed that some brave younger girls had started to pick up the trend she set with her own dark red lipstick and thought it was kind of cool.

“Nice shade of lipstick,” Bella therefore said and the girls cheeks turned a matching colour as she whispered thanks and could Bella maybe sign their pointes for them. “They’re old ones,” the other girl clarified as Bella accepted a black marker and asked for their names.

She was used to this. She had lots of young girls and boys come up to her dressing room with flowers and this question but it always made her feel kind of weird. Because it made her feel extremely self-aware as these people had chosen her to look up to and they had no idea that their so called role model let herself get beat up in her own house by her goddamn boyfriend and had marks in her neck to prove it.

They didn’t care about that, and they couldn’t because they didn’t know. And never would. So she straightened her back, gave them some advice, smiled and waved them goodbye. Just like the ethereal, slightly mysterious ballet princess the staff wanted her to be. Just like the person she once was. Or could have been.

*

“I can’t believe this,” Bella said, squinting her eyes and staring at the exact point Dan pointed at. “I can’t fucking see it,” she added, wonderment colouring her voice.

“Well that kind of is the point of hidden cameras, right?” Phil said grinning as he stepped back from where he and Dan had just carefully installed the last tiny camera. It was on the bookshelf, tucked away behind a pile of books neither of them had ever touched or were going to. There were three around the house. The other two were in the hallway and their bedroom and the entire evening had been weirdly hilarious and comforting. They ate pasta on the floor with their backs against the couch, listened to Radiohead and went through the entire apartment looking for the best places to set up the cameras. And it didn’t even feel like any of them was trying to avoid the darkness. There was just no need to go there.

*

“What the fuck!” Dan shouted repeatedly as he tossed his controller aside on the couch. It bounced off the cushions and landed on the floor.

“No!” He added, eyes wide in disbelief and maybe even a hint of admiration.

Bella fell back in the cushions and grinnend. “I wasn’t lying when I said i’m good at Mario Kart you know.”

“I demand a rematch,” Dan said, ignoring the fact that it was past 2 in the morning and also that Bella had already said she should leave about three time in the past hour. After they were done in Bella’s apartment, Dan and Phil invited her over for a game of Mario Kart when she mentioned she was actually pretty good at it. But Phil had gone to bed an hour ago and Dan just didn’t ever give up.

“Next time,” she said, “you can practice while i’m gone,” she teased, getting up from the couch. Truth was that she hated that she had to go but she had another appointment with Dean in the morning that she didn’t want to fuck up.

“I really have to go.” She yawned. Now that the excitement of the game had left her bod she realised how tired she was. It had been another eventful day.

“Can’t you at least stay to watch me slay 200cc?”

Bella tilted her head suspiciously. “200cc, that’s impossible.”

Dan shrugged his shoulders as he picked up his controller and began flicking through the menu. “Watch pro skills.”

And she tried, honestly. But somewhere between the second and third lapher head fell sideways against the backrest, and somewhere during the third, it moved to Dan’s shoulder. And she knew that she should wake the hell up and get the fuck to her own bed. But when Dan paused the game, judging by the sudden silence, to put a pillow up against his thigh, she laid her head down on it and she wasn’t there to witness the result.

Later, she didn’t know how much later, she woke up from a gentle pat on her shoulder. “Bella, i’m going to bed, what do you wanna do?”

His cheeks were rosy and the rest of his face looked extra pale in the bright tv reflection that was the only source of light in the room. The tips of his fringe had started to curl and he looked exhausted. She decided not to think about how much of a part she played in the pale blue-ish bags under his eyes. She knew it was invitation to sleep over, in the most innocent way given the situation. And when she sat up, sleep drunk, with burning eyes and a slight headache, she just nodded.

Dan smiled as he got up. Eyes small and a little relieved. “I’ll be in the bathroom, i’ll leave you a toothbrush on the sink. The shirt you slept in before is still on the floor somewhere, you know the way.”

No awkwardness, no questions and also no judgement or fear. Nothing of all those things that usually defined her life.

When she got back into the bedroom, Dan was already in on his side of the bed. When she crawled in she didn’t look for him like last time and he didn’t move either. The situation was different. It wouldn’t be right.

“Hey Dan?” she whispered.

“Hmm?”

“Did you win?”

“I came second.”

Bella chuckled softly. “Pro skills.”

The following morning she left them with the promise to never ever look at the footage without her permission. Phil never asked anything. Not even when he stumbled into her wearing Dan’s shirt and nothing but Dan’s shirt in their kitchen earlier that morning. She had the feeling she should apologise but she wasn’t sure what for. So she didn’t say anything.

*

Two nights later Dan woke up at around 3am, with sweat running down his back and his hair stuck to his forehead. The sounds of London on a Saturday night sounded far away through his closed window. When he opened his eyes he sat up straight and found himself reaching for the blankets that he apparently kicked to the bottom of the bed. His room was cold and he was shivering because he hated to sleep with the heating on, it gave him headaches. Flashes of the dream he had been having were still playing in his head. It had been about Bella, it was horrible. She died and he just kept telling everyone that it couldn’t be true because he didn’t even get to know her well enough to be able to say something at her funeral. There was also lots of screaming and him not being able to find her among lots of other ballerina’s on a stage and the entire audience had been people wearing black hooded capes. Yet it was the funeral part that made him freak out the most because it was true.

And if he wasn’t even able to say something at her funeral, something that would actually do her justice, then who would. Because he had a feeling that her so-called boyfriend had done a pretty good job at removing every other friend from her life. And she didn’t let the ones who stayed come close enough to really be able to see her. And he knew he considered that part as the worst part because maybe he was just kind of prepared for it to happen. Not ready, not willing to accept it, but there was just this whisper at the back of his mind that told him to be prepared. He had looked Caleb in the eyes. So he knew Caleb would if he had to. If he though he had to. And that terrified Dan more than anything.

He sat in the middle of his bed for a while. The sheets messy and damp around him as he tried to control his breath and to clear his mind but he knew he couldn’t do it. He had never been great at calming himself down. There was only one person in his life who could pull him back out of the darkness. It only ever had been one person.

Phil was still awake. He sat up against his propped up pillows with his laptop balancing on top of his boney knees. He wore his cookie monster pyjama bottoms with a t-shirt and glasses. Phil’s room was at least as cold as his own, but it felt nicer in there. The brightness of his laptop screen was almost turned down completely and it threw a gloomy ghostly glow across Phil’s already pale face.

Yet the light in the hallway must have been bright enough for Phil to see the look of terror on Dan’s face as he immediately closed his laptop and tossed it towards the back of the bed.

“Dan! What happened, are you okay?”

Dan spit out a series of weirdly constructed sentences that were supposed to explain the nightmare he woke up from and he didn’t think Phil understood much of it. But Phil knew Dan well enough to be able to tell when he was really, dangerously upset, and this was one of those times. So he got up from the bed and without asking anything else, he wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him close. Held him long enough for his warm limbs to heat up Dan’s frozen ones. For it to even reach his bones. Long enough for him to stop shivering so much.

And Dan closed his eyes, rested his forehead on Phil’s shoulder - which wasn’t as easy as it used to be when Phil had still been the taller one - and just let it happen. Dan wasn’t sure if Phil realised he was crying, but he doubted if it would have made a difference. Phil needed Dan to be okay, and for Dan, that knowledge certainty was always a good place to start.

When Phil eventually let go of Dan, probably because he needed a proper breath more than anything, he started rubbing warmth in Dan’s upper arms and asked if there was anything he could do.

“Do you want me to make you some tea? We can watch a movie? We still haven’t watched that one with what’s-his-face…”

It was scary really how easy it was for Phil to adjust to a situation where Dan needed to be taken care of. Even though it had been a very long time. And even though the days where it was normal for them to be so physically close were long gone.

“Can I just… stay here tonight?” Dan hated how fragile and soft his voice sounded and if Phil flinched when hearing those words, he was quick to hide it.

He stepped back and nodded his head. “Yes, yes, of course. I’m not leaving you alone like this Dan, you can stay here, you can sleep on my side if you want.”

Dan wondered how much of a ‘my side’ there still was in this bed that they used to share as nobody but Phil had slept in it for so long, but he loved the idea nonetheless and shook his head.

“I’m fine wherever, as long as it’s with you.”

He wasn’t sure what that meant these days but he did know what it used to mean and he wondered how much of that was still true. But Phil didn’t ask any questions, didn’t even give him a questionable look. He was too busy throwing pillows around the bed and shaking out his bed sheets before he patted the mattress somewhere in the perfect middle of the bed, still letting Dan decide where he wanted to get in. But he picked the right side, let Phil have his own side of the bed and then scooted in to the middle a bit more. Phil got comfortable on his own side, flat on his back, kicking out his legs under the sheets and allowing Dan to get as close as he wanted.

It was absolutely unnecessary. He was already in bed with Phil, which was less alone than he had been in a very long time. It was also unnecessary for him to reach out his hand and put it on Phil’s forearm and there was no need for Phil to let him touch him like that or for him to place his big warm hand over Dan’s. But it all felt so damn natural. So Dan curled up in a ball and pressed his knees in the side of Phil’s thigh, still longing for more of Phil’s warmth. And Dan knew Phil would do anything to make him feel better because Phil knew how far gone he had been and he would never allow that to happen again. So they laid like that as Dan slowly let go of the nightmare with every stroke of Phil's thumb across his knuckles. And then finally relaxed under the touch of Phil’s index finger drawing circles on Dan’s forearm. Across his veins and along the bone at the side of his wrist. Dan’s breathing now unsteady for different reasons and neither of them said a word. Afraid of what it would lead to, afraid of what doors it would open.

Not realising, or wanting to admit that maybe that door had never really been closed.

*

Weeks went by in which Bella was scarily fine. As fine as someone who has hidden cameras set up in their house to record their abusive boyfriends actions could possible be. She was definitely more okay than she had been for a long time though. She was back and running at the ballet and Caleb was away a lot, which also made everything a lot easier. Seeing Dan and Phil, getting in touch again with friends she neglected and you know… life in general. It was as if the knowledge of the cameras being there gave her some extra confidence and it was rubbing off on Caleb because he treated her okay whenever he was around. As if he respected her more in a way and that was refreshing and eye-opening, but also a very important step in the right direction because she realised that could be her key to a way out.

The Christmas spirit was also helping Bella feel better. Because yes, she was one of those people who loved Christmas. Decorating the tree, going Christmas shopping, hot chocolate and every single festive movie. The entire, disgustingly commercial, thing. She would also definitely have gone ice-skating in Hyde Park if it wouldn’t give the ballet staff a heart-attack. And Caleb might even have taken her, as one evening when they were driving past the entrance of Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park, he looked across at her and smiled. “Wouldn’t that have been cool?” he said nodding towards a couple, each with a pair of skates in their hands.

Yes, wouldn’t everything between you and I have been cool if you weren’t fucking crazy, she thought, looking aside and up at him. She assumed he was still beautiful to others. Beautiful in an exciting, slightly dangerous kind of way. With his dark clothes and all the ink. She assumed everything could have been a fairytale. The two ballet dropouts who still managed to make it big in a world with strict beauty standards and extreme rules to live by. They both didn’t fit it, not in that world and not in the one society created either. They could have had her own. God, she had tried so hard to believe in it, but right now when she looked at him all she could feel was fear and disgust. Because it weren’t the clothes that coloured her prince so dark, it was his mind.

She went with his comment though, as she told him: “Maybe next year.” Because December had been nice. And nice was still better than having to fear for your life. Even when it was all an act.

And the reminder of that came when Caleb eventually disappeared the night before New Years eve. With no clear reason and no explanation other than him telling her he hoped to be back by the 2nd of January. She wasn’t so much mad at him as she was mad at herself. Because Caleb didn’t do anything odd, or out of character. She on the other hand, still felt the pain. Because it was her who was going to be alone on New Years.

She knew she could call people. She could call Dan and Phil, but she wasn’t going to. She had ruined their year enough as it was. The Bella stamp had left a big enough mark on their days. Maybe she deserved to be alone anyway, it was quite fitting after all.

So she didn’t call and she didn’t stop by as the sun went down behind the tallest buildings of the city and announced the official start of New Years Eve. But maybe that is exactly what made Dan worried, as three hours before the new year, her phone rang and his name popped up on the screen. Along with a very close-up picture of Phil’s face that he set for almost all her contacts one evening. When she answered her voice wasn’t immediately there. As if it made peace with the silence and accepted that it had to make room for the lump in her throat. She coughed and tried again. A soft and way too cheery “Hey, how are you?” came out.

“Where are you?” Dan asked without a greeting.

She considered lying about a party and looked at the ceiling as if she was going to find the answer there. Then the silence in the room forced her to tell the truth. She clenched her first around the book on her lap and closed her eyes. “Home.”

Dan didn’t need to ask anything else. The fact that she was able, or allowed, to pick up the phone told him everything he needed to know. “Get dressed.”

Bella heard laughter and voices in the background and instantly felt uncomfortable. She didn’t get a chance to speak her mind.

“Listen,” Dan said, “you can sit in my room if you want to but i’m not letting you sit there by yourself in that house. Not tonight. There is no way. If I don’t see you here in 30 minutes I am coming down to get you.”

“45,” she said.

He laughed and she pictured him pressing a hand to his forehead in pretend frustration. “As long as you’re here before midnight.”

Bella smiled despite everything as she told him she’d try her best. “And Dan?”

“What?”
“Thank you.”

—

About an hour later she rang the doorbell of the boys' apartment. Freshly showered and dressed in black jeans and a black jumper. Knowing them, she could hardly imagine she would be underdressed. And to be honest, this was about as much effort as she could get herself to put into it. She didn't bother with a lot of make-up either. Just some mascara and her trusty dark lip. Her skin had become too pale for all of her foundation anyway, and her hair was still drying.

She was glad Dan was the one who opened the door for her and after a tight hug, in which he almost impaled her with a corner of the book she was still holding and had brought to give to him, he smiled. "I'm glad you're here." Bella smiled back, because after all, so was she.

She handed him the book, which was called The Humans by Matt Haig and told him to read it because it made her think of him. He took his time to read the back before flicking through it. She didn't know if he was just being polite, if he really was that interested or if he was just using the opportunity to be alone with her a little longer. To be fair, she was okay with all these things.

When he eventually snapped the book shut he looked at her a little too long before he turned on his heels and started to climb the stairs. He didn't look over his shoulder when he told her about the people in their apartment. "Just some of our best friends, they're cool. You will think so too.” She decided to trust him, because neither of these two boys had ever given her a reason not to.

She met a girl with bright coloured hair in a floral dressed who seemed cool and her boyfriend who apparently was the creator of some of the art in the boys' bedrooms. Then there was a curly haired couple who were film makers and the guy was a YouTuber too. Dan briefly explained who she was: "This is Bella who lives in our building and does ballet," and after that she sat down and blended in. They played a weird card game and then an even weirder board game but she loved it. No mentions of the terror in her life, no questions about why on earth she joined them all alone at ten on New Years Eve. She wondered if Dan instructed them, she wondered if he told them anything. But when she looked aside to where he was sitting with his thigh pressed against hers and smiled knowingly when he caught her eye, she didn't think he did.

She drank too much. Not a lot, but too much for her current state of mind. She vaguely remembered long hugs with Dan and Phil and inappropriately tight hugs with the strangers that were their friends after midnight. And there was a a faint memory of a Robbie Williams duet with the pink-haired girl. She remembered falling asleep with her legs in Phil's lap, but when she woke up on the couch, she couldn't remember the others leaving.

She sat up right and looked around the dark room. Her mind was still cloudy and her heart was racing. The fact that she didn't immediately recognize the room made her feel anxious and she stood up too quickly. She stumbled to the kitchen to get a glass of water, hoping it would clear up the haze a little bit.
In the kitchen, she opened the wrong cupboard twice before pulling out what turned out to be the mug from the boys’ own merchandise range and placed it under the tap. Then she downed all of it at once and refilled it, taking slower sips as she leaned back against the counter and stared into the darkness of the hallway through the glass door that separated the kitchen from the hallway. She randomly wondered how often both of them had walked into that door.

One or two minutes passed until she almost had a heart attack, as a tall pale figure appeared on the other side of the glass. She almost dropped her mug and whispered a loud “Jesus fucking Christ Dan!” as he pushed the door open and was clearly as shocked by finding her there as she had been to see him.

“What are you doing up?” she said puzzled as she looked at his creased white pyjama shirt and grey joggers. His hair was still quite straight and she had a feeling he hadn’t slept yet.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Just thinking,” he explained, not at all impressed by the fact that it was probably 5am. She wasn’t sure how much he had been drinking but he seemed quite sober right now. Tipsy at most.

Dan got a bowl from a cupboard and filled it with cereal before getting milk from the fridge and pouring it in. “You want some?” he said before giving her a closer look and obviously coming to some sort of conclusion.

“Are you alright?” he said leaving his bowl on the counter and turning around to face her.

She tried to smile and then hid the attempt behind her mug as she took another sip. “I was tonight, which is a lot.”

Dan didn’t do a better job at smiling as he focussed on his cinnamon cereal again.

“I should go back to sleep.”

Dan nodded but shook his head at the same time. “No… I mean… stay for a while, you won’t be able to sleep now anyway, will you?”

Bella genuinely considered that for a second and then shook her head in honesty. “Probably not.” They looked at each other for a while with a mixture of sympathy and regret. The night had led them there for the same fucked up reasons and it was kind of sad really.

But then Dan went and gave the moment a twist that could only go one way. A way they both probably wanted it to go and had meant for it to go for a long time without them acknowledging it. Too scared and part of them too aware of the consequences. “We have a lot of fucked up things in common Bella,” he began, hesitant at first but determined at the same time. “Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like? I mean…”

He shook his head and dropped the spoon back in his cereal to leave it untouched. “You know what I fucking mean,” he added more directed to himself than to Bella.

After he said that it was like something in the air literally changed. And for a moment she felt like she was playing a part in one of those crazy stories his fans used to write about him. But she thought about it before. Dan was into a lot of weird stuff that she knew nothing about. Like his Anime and Kanye West. But he was also smart and fascinating, and on the right side of the darkness that lived within him. But honestly, none of those things were really the things that made her cross the room towards him at that moment.

It wasn’t those things guiding her hands to fist a hand in the front of his white t-shirt to yank him down and shove her mouth against his. It was curiosity perhaps, lust definitely and above all the urge for some relief from the tension and the fear.
If Dan was at all caught off guard he managed damn well to hide it as his hands awkwardly searched for something to hold on to before eventually landing on her face. He took control of the kiss with ease because Bella wanted him to, needed him to and he found confidence in that. And damn he was a good kisser.

So good that soon the kiss turned sloppy, wet, dirty and deep and she moaned, triggering Dan to kiss her harder. He pressed his thigh between Bella’s bare legs and grabbed the counter behind her for support. Her one hand is still tangled in his shirt as she dug the fingers of her other hand in his neck. She wasn’t going to lie, she was kind of surprised with how confident and in control Dan seemed. None of his usual awkwardness and cute nerdy squishiness.

His tongue traced hers and she could taste the cinnamon cereal he barely touched along with the weak sense of alcohol and something undefined, something innocently sweet. And once she realised that taste was his own, her knees went weak and she backed off. and when she looked at him she snapped out of it.

“Holy shit…” Bella panted, wiping her lips with the back of her hands as Dan took a few steps back, looking just as bewildered as she felt. She sucked in air through her nose and closed her eyes for a second. “I think it’s time we have a talk,” she then concluded.

Dan just nodded and Bella thought she saw a flash of relief in his eyes before he suggested to do it in the lounge so they could close the door and make sure they wouldn’t wake Phil. Which was probably for the better as they both knew where this conversation was headed.

As they sat down on the couch she looked at Dan for the longest time. He was beautiful, he was one of the most beautiful people she had ever seen. She noticed that on the day she first met him on the stairs in the hall of their building and she saw it even more now she really knew him. His dark brown eyes were not as calm as they usually were. If you would look at him on any other day you would be lucky if you only managed to see a fraction of everything that was hidden behind them. There were hardly any signs of the wonders, dreams, frustrations, inspirations and admirably well-constructed opinions until he started to talk. He learned to hide them all for various reasons. The biggest one probably him being who he was. Famous on the internet. One of the others definitely him having been disappointed by people numerous times. She could get mad even thinking about it. Dan, he and Phil both, deserved all that was good in the world. And she was definitely not one of those things. Which was partly why they needed to have this conversation. Because she thought that he understood by now that she too had wanted this kiss to happen for the longest time. But at the same time she didn’t and that was something they needed to get out of the way right now.

So she straightened her back and waited until Dan finally steadied his eyes on her. She could see he was uncomfortable but she couldn’t say she was feeling a lot better. “I guess there is no other way for me to ask this so i’m just going to be blunt about it… are you in love with me?”

“Ha…” Dan said, blinking hard. And she realised that maybe he didn’t expect the conversation to take this turn so quick but it was also almost 5:30 in the morning and they had just fully made out in his kitchen.
“Yes, I am. But it’s not… I’m…”

“Are you still in love with Phil?”

His eyes closed and he adjusted his fringe even though there was no point really, because his forehead was sweaty and the bits at the end had started to curl again. “Yes…” he then replied and she had a feeling that by admitting it to her he also admitted it to himself. But at least that was the answer she had hoped to hear.

“Okay,” she said, calmer now. She sat back and pulled her legs up underneath her. She stared at the white blinds that covered the windows and then at the chandelier on the ceiling of which only two light bulbs were actually working.

“This conversation needed to happen for a very long time but it didn’t and that’s why we were just on the verge of making a huge fucking mistake. Because even if this shit with Caleb will ever end, I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m going to need the time alone and probably lots of it as well. And to be really honest, right now a lifetime alone doesn’t sound at all bad to me. I’ve never been alone and I need that more than anything.”

Dan also rested his head on the backrest of the couch and turned his head to look at her. “Trust me I would be the last person to push you into anything and to be fair i’m not sure if I could even do it right now. It’s complicated with Phil anyway and we’ve been through a lot together already… you and I.”

“That is the thing though, you and Phil. I mean even if I wouldn’t have all this shit in my life, I still wouldn’t want it because you and Phil need to figure things out. It’s clearly not over between the two of you and I will be the last to stand in between that. I know you’re not over it and neither is Phil. And you definitely don’t need me to tell you that but i guess I just wanted to let you know that I know…”

They were silent for what felt like an hour until Dan smiled a little.

“What?” Bella asked a little confused. She wasn’t sure how exactly they had gone from anxious to making out to heart-felt conversation to having something to smile about all within like thirty minutes. But at the same time she knew there was nothing left to talk about.

“i slept with him a couple of weeks ago.”

Bella immediately sat back up. “What?!”

“No like actually slept with him, in his bed. We cuddled and it was warm and nice and I think that was when I realised that my heart still belongs to Phil Lester.” He paused and shook his head. “For fuck’s sake.”

Bella smiled. She was genuinely happy to hear this. It was a bit selfish maybe because this could have been a lot more complicated but most of all she was happy that for some people, and more importantly for the most important people in her life at this moment, there really was an actual thing called love.

“You should have kissed him you know… tonight. It would have been perfect.” Her eyes sparkled meaningfully and Dan grinned, also sitting up with his legs folded underneath him so they were facing each other.

“No, not tonight. But the thought that I might will again some day is enough for now.”

He spread his arms and Bella accepted his offer for a hug. “No tongues,” she teased as she closed her eyes and squeezed him tight.

“Shut. Up.”

*
When Phil heard the sniffling sounds and suppressed gasps coming from Dan’s room as he left his own, he froze instantly. Part of him was drawn to the half-closed door and another part told him he should move on. He never knew if Dan wanted him there or if he should wait for Dan to come to terms with himself and would come to Phil instead. But when he then softly placed his spread fingers against the door to push it open slightly, he knew it was the right decision.

Dan was sat in front of his computer and stared at the screen. Even though Phil could only see Dan’s back, he could tell he was tense and his fists were clenched on the desk on each side of the keyboard.

Part of the screen was blocked by the back of Dan’s head but not enough for Phil to not see what Dan was looking at. He could see Bella being held up against the wall by her throat before being dropped on the floor in a ball of misery. Left there for dead, or to cry herself back to sanity at least. Dan watched it repeatedly. It got worse every time he pulled the slider back to the beginning of the clip. To where she desperately tried to press herself flat against the wall and tried to peel the fingers away from her throat. The complete calmness on her face. The acceptance, being used to it. The tears that wet the hand around her throat. They were close to the camera. Phil was glad there was no sound, though it wasn’t hard to read some of the words the guy shouted in her face.

It was like a horrible movie, except this was someone’s life they were looking at. The life of someone they had come to care about a whole lot. Even though it was hard to process that this was the girl that did ballet. The girl who was passionate about so many things. The girl with the sarcastic, dark humour that he had learned to love and appreciate so much. The girl he watched stupid game shows with and the girl they had stayed up talking to for nights. Phil learned that night that there was a very big difference between hearing something through walls or from stories and actually seeing it with your own eyes. He knew he needed to snap Dan out of this trance but he felt sick and needed to take a few deep breaths before he could get himself to calmly, carefully say his name.

If Dan had been surprised by Phil’s presence in the room, he wasn’t bothered to show it to him. He stood up instead, pushing the chair back and his keyboard towards the screen with the same amount of force. The same amount of frustration and anger.

“I don’t know why I thought watching this would be a good idea, I know we made her a promise.” He answered questions Phil hadn’t even planned to ask. Instead he did say the only thing he knew that mattered now. “You need to tell her what you saw.”
*
Two days and a couple of hours. That’s how long it took for the shame to settle in after Dan told her what he had done. What he had seen. She had been mad at him at first, even though she knew right away that she had no right to be. She knew that they had been hearing more than they should have that entire time. She knew they cared about her. So she could have known that one of them would snap and give in to switching on the computer screen at some point. It was too easy. One moment of anger or frustration was enough to make it happen. And it did. So she yelled at him and he yelled at her and then a couple of hours later she went up to their flat and they hugged and played Mario Kart.

She had spend a lot of her time in their flat yesterday as well. And then again this morning. Caleb had been gone again. With the ballet this time. Or so she assumed. She hadn’t had the energy to investigate if his stories were true. She was busy enough as it was. The holiday season was over and they were working hard on a brand new piece. It was created by two of the top choreographers at the company and inspired by her. It was a big honour and way too much work for her to handle at this point. Yet she was happy to dive headfirst into it. It left her with no time to think about anything but the choreographies and what muscles hurt and where, no time to feel anything but the blisters on her toes and the corset of her costume pinching in her back and ribs.

Still, when she came home that night, hair still wet from showering, and automatically rested her eye on the hidden camera in the hallway, she felt that it was time to remove them. If they were ever going to use it for anything, they already had the prove they needed and she simply did not want to risk them having to see it ever again. Because even though Dan had denied it, and meant it, she had seen that something had changed in the way he looked at her. A certain amount of pity had mixed with the sadness, fear and admiration that was usually there when he looked at her. And even though she knew it was too late, a part of her hoped that by removing the camera’s she could also delete the images from his mind. Not now, but eventually, maybe.

So she pushed a chair from the kitchen to the hallway and climbed on top of it to remove the first camera, then she did the same in the bedroom. And just as she pulled the last one from behind the books in the living room, she realised that a few seconds before that, she had heard the front door close.
When she slowly turned around on her heels, Caleb was already standing there blocking the door to the hallway. Bulky and tall as ever, yet he seemed even bigger as his eyes moved from the two other camera’s on the table, to the one in her hand to her face as if he tried to register and process what he was seeing.
She closed her eyes the moment he started moving. The last thing she saw was him taking two steps in her direction. His chest rising and falling quicker than she had ever seen. The last thing she heard was his voice, but he wasn’t shouting this time. He was calm as ever as he told her that out of all of the things she had done to him, this was the thing she was going to regret the most. The last thing she felt were his long, strong fingers closing around her throat. This time though, he left no room for her to breath. Not even at the beginning.

There was no such thing as a tunnel, no memories or flashbacks. But then again, she didn’t really have many good things to look back on anyway. Everything just went from light to dark, very slowly and then a little faster. Which was funny, she thought, because it was basically her life in reverse. All there was left in the end was acceptance. Acceptance that apparently she was put on earth to lead a shitty life and just when maybe things could get better for once, it was over.

*

“999, what is your emergency?”

“Hello, I need an ambulance to come to the house… I just strangled my girlfriend and she’s not breathing anymore. I’ll be here waiting. Please make it quick before I change my mind.”

Caleb put down the phone and stared at the lifeless body of the girl he had loved too much. She had driven him crazy with her mystery, her beauty and her courage. Even now she was gorgeous in all black, always dressed like she was ready for death to come get her. Her skin a different shade of pale but her lips were still pink. As if her body hadn’t gotten the message yet. He had lived in constant fear of losing her to someone else. Or to herself. And he hadn’t meant to do this, not really, so he was going to be a man about it and deal with the consequences. Partly because he had no idea where to go without her and partly because he was too tired to run. But at least his mind could finally be at peace. Sometimes the solution could be so simple. He would never have to worry about losing her ever again. She was already gone.

*
Phil felt like he was choking as he stumbled down the stairs, and honestly that sounded a lot more appealing than what he was about to do. He wasn’t really aware of the fact that he was still squeezing his phone in his hand even though his fingers hurt. Everything was a blur and it took him every single last bit of willpower to not to cry hysterically and to stop himself from screaming. But it didn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. Not that he felt anything. He hadn’t felt anything since he heard the words about fifteen minutes ago.

“Oh there you are, i’ve been Facebook messaging you about dinner for five minutes now and…” Dan’s voice faded away mid-sentence. He stood up from the couch cautiously and took a very slow step in his direction. His head slightly tilted to the right, alarmed, probably already panicking. Phil knew he needed to talk. Because he was pretty sure the scenarios going through Dan’s head right now weren’t as bad as what he was about to say. But what on earth was he supposed to say.

“Phil?” Dan said softly and then, after more silence, he did it more insistent. “Phil, i’m scared say something.”

And Phil could see on Dan’s face, the absolute terror on his face, that he already knew. That all he needed was for Phil to confirm it in any way so he tried to speak. But nothing came out so he took a deep breath and tried again. But it was still only tears rolling down his cheeks so he just nodded, closed his eyes and nodded.

The next thing he heard was the door of the living room flying shut and then the front door as well. The next time he saw Dan was not for another four hours.

*
The next four days were an absolute haze. In the next four days after that Dan didn’t leave the bed. It was weird how literally nothing changed while nothing would be the same again. Nobody came to their house to bring them food they wouldn’t eat. Nobody came to their house to ask them things about anything. Nobody texted them meaningless but thoughtful messages because nobody knew. And they hadn’t told the few that know about her existence. Phil could barely feel the headaches through the clouds in his mind anymore. His eyes were burning and moving hurt but he couldn’t stay in his room. He went outside a lot instead. He went to the shops and walked around without really seeing anything. The absolute silence in the house was what killed him the most. So by the end of that fourth day he bursted into Dan’s room and pulled at the covers. He couldn’t decide if this was too soon or too late but he couldn’t cope any longer.

“Dan?” At first Phil wasn’t even sure if Dan was even awake. Or breathing. “Dan?” he tried again. His voice sounded strange. Breaking the silence almost felt like a crime. Then Dan moved and lifted his head a little. His eyes were hollow and empty. The rings around it were pale blue and his hair was a greasy, curly mess.

“You need to take a shower,” Phil said as he sat down on the edge of Dan’s bed, as far away from his face as possible. “I don’t care if you go back to bed right after.”

He was silent for so long that Phil wondered if he had even said the words out loud but then Dan spoke.

“Will you come with me?”

Phil’s head shook up in his direction because he was sure he heard it wrong.

“Will you?” Dan said. His voice sounded remarkably strong considering the state he was in.

Phil stood up from the bed and combed both his hands back through his hair. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” he said.

“I can’t do it otherwise. You have seen me before.”

Yeah, Phil thought, but that wasn’t like this. Nobody died that time, he hadn’t been hurting that time. It wasn’t far of Dan to rely completely on Phil right now, when Phil couldn’t even rely on himself. But at the same time it wasn’t fair of Phil to expect otherwise. He taught it to him, he taught him that he would always be there no matter what, no matter how, when and where. And now was when Dan needed him more than he had ever done.

The smile he tried to offer Phil as a thank you when he follows Phil to the bathroom eventually just sent his lips into a thin, straight line.

“Can we leave the light out? I don’t know… i’m not…” he gave up in the middle of his sentence and looked at the dark tiles. “I don’t know,” he concluded helplessly.

Phil blinked against his own tears as he softly pushed Dan further into the dark, warm bathroom. “We won’t, take your clothes off, we need to get you warm.”

He tensed for a moment when he stepped underneath the warm water but then let the heat prickle his skin and Phil saw him relax somewhat. As Phil squeezed in the cabin behind him, Dan let his head fall back against Phil’s shoulder and he stroke his already soapy hands down Dan’s chest. This used to be easier when Phil was the taller one but he would make it work. He pushed his fingers up again and darted his fingers down Dan’s biceps and silently scratched his scalp with his nails.

As Phil rubbed his cheek against Dan’s curly wet hair, all he hoped was that he could offer that boy just a tiny bit of anything, everything, he needed right now.

After a couple of minutes of silence and nothing but Dan’s unsteady, gaspy breath to remind them directly of the ace, Phil squeezed some shampoo in his hands and covered Dan’s curls underneath a thick cloud of oriental scented foam. Phil could only see a tiny bit of Dan’s face from this angle but he noticed Dan’s eyes were shut and his mouth had gone slack even though his shoulders were still tense against Phil’s collarbones and chest.

Just as Phil rested his hands on Dan’s hips, with no other intention than to just leave them there, Dan’s fingers closed around his wrist to guide his right hand a little more to the inside and then down, letting it rest on his cock.

“Dan?” Phil whispered carefully, a hand now loosely, familiarly cupping his cock.

“Please,” he says, voice thick with sadness and possibly, maybe something else.

“You’re not even…” Phil whispered, to his own surprise and worry already feeling his own dick getting hard against the small of Dan’s back. He never had any problem getting Dan hard either but right now, when every word felt like a waste, it seemed odd.
“I will be, I will get there.” He sounded weak, voice thick and raspy, but also certain.

“I need to feel something else… you, Phil please.” He closed his hand around Phil’s fingers that are curved around his hardening cock, but didn’t move. He left the decision up to Phil.

Still a little hesitant but definitely willing to do whatever he needed to do, Phil dragged his knuckles up the shaft, moving his fingers to curl them loosely at the head. Dan watched as Phil’s hand slid down and his breathing became unsteady, but not in the same way as before.

When Phil pulled back up, rubbed a thumb over his slit, Dan jerked his hips and closed his eyes. “God,” he panted before turning around and letting a please come over his lips.

“Easy,” Phil whispered, jacking him slow as he sucked light kisses to the corner of Dan’s mouth and in his neck. “If we’re doing this I want it to be good for you…” he added.

“Don’t worry, it’s good, you’re always so good Phil…”

Phil saw precome building at the tip, thick and shiny in the dark bathroom. The only light coming in from the hallway through the half closed door. “Fuck my hands for me,” he whispered, “that’s it.”

And Dan obeyed. he settled into a slow rolling rhythm and rode up into Phil’s hands almost lazily, as if he wanted to do it for as long as he could.

“C’mon babe,” Phil whispered, tightening his grip a little, getting him to fuck harder.

Dan stumbled foreward, forehead now pressing on Phil’s shoulder as he fisted Phil’s hair with one hand and clenched his other hand tight around the top of the shower wall. “Jesus,” he groaned, “dont… fuck… i’m gonna…” Water splashes on the floor, streaming out of the shower cabin and onto the tiles and the towels Phil left abandoned on the floor.

Phil was just in time to cup his fingers over the head of Dan’s cock and he shot right into them. He came hard and hissed desperately, biting Phil’s shoulder, hurting him slightly. But Phil kept going, jacked him all the way through it until he relaxed all of his muscles and leaned forward, heavy and exhausted. Drained. Unable or not willing to say anything but Phil’s names and a couple of curses Phil couldn’t understand.

Phil managed to lean up to grab the one towel that was hanging over the wall of the shower and wiped his hand in it.

When Dan started shaking softly against Phil then, head still buried in Phils neck, he knew Dan was crying again. He lightly placed the palm of his hand against the back of Dan’s head and massaged some comfort into it.

“It’s going to be okay, babe, it’s all going to be okay,” Phil whispered softly into his damp hair.

For the first time in his life he had to deal with an emptiness and a kind of pain and loneliness even Phil couldn’t fill up. And that was going to take some getting used to for the both of them. But there was something Phil could do, there is something Phil would always be able to do and it was not making him forget. It was making him feel something else.

*
The next day was the funeral and it wasn’t the worst day of Dan’s life. The worst day of his life had been every single one since her dead that was not her funeral because he could at least give a purpose to that day. He was there for her because she would have wanted him to and he was there because that was what people were supposed to do. The funeral als kickstarted numerous visits to the police station. They always went together and spoke to the officers together at all times. They told them everything they knew but never mentioned the footage. Phil had tried to bring it up at the apartment at one point but Dan insisted that they had to keep it a secret. Caled had owed up to everything that had happened and they also found her diary in which she apparently spoke in detail about the horrors she had been put through. And it was hard to question her own words now that she had the prove of her death speaking for her. Dan did hear that the trial was short and quick and that Caleb was going to be put away for the rest of his life. But he didn’t follow the case too closely. There was no point. There was no point in anything, really.

For months after the funeral he stayed away from social media, YouTube, the outside. While for Phil YouTube was an escape. He didn’t address Dan’s disappearance from the internet too seriously but knew it was only a matter of time until people would no longer laugh at his jokes of Dan just sticking to his schedule of uploading two videos a year. He already saw worried tweets coming his way. Bella was all over the media in the meantime, raising the discussion about domestic violence. Yet nobody made the connection between them and Bella. Dan knew he should be glad but at the same time it felt wrong to hide from it. Selfish almost because he has a massive audience that he could and should enlighten and maybe even educate. Wasn’t that what Danisnotonfire was all about anyway? The couple of days after that weren’t the right moment though. Not yet.

*
It was about a week after the thought first crossed his mind for real that he called Phil over into his room and showed him a video he recorded. He talked about Bella and domestic violence awareness. There are also clips of him and Bella sitting on his bed taken from a video they started to make about the subject and emotional abuse in particular. Both dressed in black. They had never spoken about when or if it would ever see the light of day but Dan knew and hoped that she was okay with it.

The video ended with a couple of seconds of Bella laughing genuinely before it cut back to a shot of Dan sitting in silence, just nodding and waving goodbye, not saying anything. Phil cried at the sight of her and because the video was beautiful and he was proud and relieved that Dan finally did something other than lock himself away.

The video got him worldwide attention within a couple of hours after he put it online but he decided against speaking about it to the media and let his video do the talking. It’s extremely hard for him but he is also proud. To get away from it all Phil took him on a long awaited holiday to Japan and after coming back he uploaded his first actual Danisnotonfire video again.

And one morning he woke up and noticed that the need to cry wasn’t as strong. He felt guilty and relieved.

He rolled over to find Phil awake next to him. Phil always seemed to be awake before Dan these days, watching over him. He knew it had been hard on Phil as well, if not harder because he had to carry some of his pain for him too. “That dream I had all those months ago, I should have known it was a sign…” he mumbled and Phil pushed himself up over him, hands on either side of Dan’s sleepy face.

“That doesn’t make sense Dan…”

Dan shrugged his shoulders, brushing them up the sides of Phils wrists as he did. “Nothing ever does anymore.”

When Phil then leans down to pull the sheets as well as Dan’s boxers down he closed his eyes. Sex seemed to have been the only effective remedy so far and he is glad Phil never seemed to get enough of it either.

Afterwards Phil laid his head on Dan’s stomach and let his lips brush Dan’s bare sensitive skin as he tilted his head to look up at Dan who’s fingers lazily crawled through Phil’s hair.

It used to be like this all the time. Them fucking, and then bathing in the post-haze for hours as they cuddled and kissed some more. Or sometimes they just slept it off and then did it again. It was carefree, real and filthy as well. He was pretty sure there were still some faded stains on the couch somewhere, they definitely almost got caught numerous times by unexpected visitors and Dan used to always be busy covering up hickeys and marks. He loved it. He loved being Phil’s because it gave him a purpose in life. Sometimes when he wasn’t particularly sure who he was and what he wanted to be, he would still be Phil’s. And he had never really stopped wanting to be just that. Phil had made him a better person, a happier one as well and he had seen him grow from a boy into a man. But deep down inside he was still that boy that wanted to be Phil’s more than anything.

“Can it please be like this again? But like for the actual forever we promised each other this time?”

Phil lightly pressed a kiss on his stomach, just over his belly button and then again. “Yes…” he breathed softly. “Yes please, Dan.”

Dan followed the line of Phil’s jaw with his forefinger and then tugged at Phil’s hair to tell him he needed him closer. Phil crawled up and hovered over Dan, who pushed his hands through Phil’s pitch black, messy and sweaty hair and looked up at him with the darkest brown eyes in which a lot of pain was hidden underneath the post-sex haze. But he smiled, it was a weak smile but it was genuine before he pushed his head up a little and brushed his lips over Phil’s bottom one.

“At least one thing maks sense again…” he kissed Phil softly in between words.

Just his bottom lip at first and then entirely. He thought about how Bella had wanted him to do this months ago and then he didn’t think about her but about the future. Because for the first time in a very long time he felt like he had an idea of what that would be like.

“And thank fucking God for that.”