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It had been a week since Suo — or Su Fang, if you prefer — returned to Bofurin. After a hard-fought battle against Sakura, harsh words, revelations of his past, tears, and many apologies, he was finally back.
He was outside the school, far enough away that the other students wouldn't see him nearby if they came in. Of course, everyone accepted his apologies, and everyone was so kind that it made him want to die for a few minutes, but even so, he didn't feel good.
Even though he wanted to find Nirei so they could walk to school together, he couldn't go after him to do it. He felt he couldn't just act like everything was normal, considering that a month ago he had hit the sunshine boy and laughed in his face while he cried. Everything wasn't alright.
He yearned for Nirei, longed to see his smile and hear his voice again, not by phone, but in person. Besides all that, when he noticed the weather starting to get colder, he felt fear for Nirei's health; if he caught a cold, he wouldn't be there to take care of him. On the way back, he felt nauseous and looked at the bloodstains on his hand as a kind of torture; he hated himself while returning home and hated himself until dawn. There wasn't a moment when he didn't hate himself after what he had done.
He heard his cell phone receive a message; it was from Nirei. "Where are you? Is everything alright? (;‘• - •`; )"
He looked at the messages after a few seconds; whenever he took too lon, Nirei would send him messages, as if he's afraid that he would disappear again.
"Everything is fine, don't worry :)" he replied, lying once again. He had promised he would never lie again, but here he was, breaking his promise.
“Anything, talk to me ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-” He felt his heart skip a beat, a small smile appeared on his lips, and he kissed his phone screen.
He took a deep breath before walking to school. Nirei was leaving right now, and as soon as he saw him, the sunshine boy waved to him, a big smile on his face, running towards him.
“You took so long, I thought you weren’t coming to school, I was going to look for you.”
“Nire-kun, you don’t need to worry so much about me.” Suo laughed awkwardly.
“Of course I do.” Nirei affirmed. “Sakura wanted to come looking for you too, but Momijikawa showed up just in time, I needed him for something. I still can’t believe he was the first to call Sakura by her first name…” Suo just laughed as Nirei continued to talk as they walked into the school.
Nothing made sense to Sun Fei. It didn't make sense to him how Nirei seemed so normal, but if he was acting like that, as he normally did, the least he could do was pretend everything was fine too, even if all he felt was nausea at the thought of everything he had done.
Classes went by normally, the students talked, joked, and all Suo did in response was laugh, give short answers, and try to pay attention; the key word, try, because he couldn't manage it at all.
He got lost in a short time of conversation. Normally he paid attention to everything his Nirei said, but it was difficult to concentrate his mind on his words. It was as if he couldn't think straight, his mind was in an eternal loop of everything that happened, revisiting each moment.
When he left.
When he saw Nirei.
When he hit Nirei.
When he returned to Bankoku-gai.
When they went there for him.
When he couldn't do anything when Nirei was hurt.
When he and Sakura fought. When he revealed his story.
When he begged for forgiveness.
When Nirei hugged him, despite everything.
When Nirei told him, “You don’t have to deal with this alone. Please, Suo, let us help you, let ME help you.”
When everyone accepted him back.
When Sakura accepted him back.
When Nirei accepted him back.
He didn’t deserve any of this.
He felt a touch on his hand, Suo jumped slightly, but softened when he noticed it was only Nirei touching him.
“I asked you something.”
“Huh? Sorry!” he smiled without showing his teeth. “Ask me again, Nire-kun.”
Nirei was silent for a few seconds.
“Let’s go to the roof.”
“That’s not exactly a question…”
“It’s an order, let’s go to the roof now.” Nirei dragged him to the exit of the room, Suo grumbled softly as he let himself be carried through the corridors of Bofurin.
“I know how to walk alone, Nire-kun!” he chuckled.
“I never said you couldn’t!” he replied, continuing to walk down the hallways holding Suo.
He chuckled softly; he wouldn't lie, he hadn't liked physical contact that much. That was one of the reasons he felt he wouldn't get along with Nirei at first, but mainly because Nirei was a walking book who knew everyone's secrets—including his dislike for Natto. But, as time passed, he got used to it. Nirei was someone accustomed to receiving affection like that, with touches, so if that was how his sunshine boy showed affection and love, he wouldn't mind receiving many touches from him.
They finally arrived on the roof, it was lightly winded, Su Fang felt his body tremble slightly from the cold. When Nirei let go of him, he missed the warmth that his hand was giving his body.
They finally arrived on the roof, it was lightly winded, Su Fang felt his body tremble slightly from the cold. When Nirei let go of him, he missed the warmth that his hand was giving his body.
"It's quite cold here, are you sure you want to stay here, Nire-kun?"
"I don't mind the cold, I want to talk to you." he reveals, Suo swallows hard "Sakura said this is a good place for conversations like that."
“Conversations like that…?”
“You’re not okay.” Suo’s eyes widened when he heard Nirei.
He let out a defeated sigh. “You always see, don’t you?” he asked rhetorically. “Through me.” He touched his own chest. “Nire-kun, you observe me as if I were a painting, and you always manage to understand the real meaning. How do you do that? It’s impressive, really.”
“It’s not difficult. I like observing you, and you’re easy to read... you're like a book, even if you don’t think so.” Nirei said, sitting against the roof railings.
Suo felt his cheeks flush. “Others can’t do that. I think you’re too special, Nire-kun.” He smiled.
“Don’t think that trying to compliment me will distract me!” He blushed slightly.
“Who said I’m trying to distract you? I would never do that, Nire-kun!” He made an ‘X’ with his index fingers.
“Liar.” Suo gasped slightly. “Now, tell me why you’re not feeling well. Please,” he pleaded, looking at him with such sweetness that Su Fang felt he didn’t deserve it.
He took a deep breath, looking at Nirei, without a smile on his face. “Why don’t you hate me?”
“Huh?”
“I… you got hurt so badly, not only in the fight against Red Chanpuru, but also in the fight against Keel. I couldn’t protect you, and I swear, I wanted so badly to run to you, but that… idiot wouldn’t let me. And then I hurt you. I swore to myself that I would never let anyone hurt you, but then there I was, hurting you, not only physically. I said so many horrible things to you, Nirei. I laughed in your face while you cried. I left, and when you came after me, I kept saying bad things to you. I called you childish and foolish for going there, and I called you annoying, but even so…” He felt tears escape his eyes as his voice faltered. Sun Fei put his hands to his face, trying unsuccessfully to hide his sobs. “Even so… you’re still here. Acting like everything’s normal and you’re talking to the Suo Hayato you met on the first day of class. I don’t understand, I don’t deserve your affection, so why do you give it to me? Why do you give your love, so precious and pure, to someone like me? Someone so dirty and bad.” he asks, crouching in front of Nirei, looking into his eyes, completely giving up on hiding his tears. “Why?”
Nirei looked at Sun Fei’s face, tears falling down his face. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen him cry, but it was just as painful as the first time he’d seen him like this. Nirei clenched his hands.
“Why do you think you don’t deserve love?!” he shouted, his eyes welling with tears, startling Sun Fei, “Why can’t you understand that I see you for who you are? I don’t care that I got hurt, whether it was against Keel or Red Chanpuru. All I cared about was you! How could someone like you be considered dirty and bad? Someone dirty and bad wouldn’t seem to be suffering so much after doing what you did!” Nirei held him by the shoulders, “You deserve as much love as anyone else, and if I’m giving you my love, it’s because I know you and I know you have the purest and most precious heart in the world. You act like you wanted to do all that and like you don’t regret it, but all I see is a boy agonizing over doing something that clearly hurt him.” He released Su Fang's shoulders, lowering his voice and and wiping away Sun Fei's tears "You beat yourself up because I got hurt, but honestly, when you hit me, what hurt me the most was seeing that you were hurt and I couldn't do anything to help you. I know it's hard not to blame yourself and feel angry at yourself; it's not the same situation, but I've always felt angry at myself for never being able to defend myself and others, but please, talk to me whenever you feel like that, so I can help you. We're friends, aren't we?"
Sun Fei felt his eyes tremble, he gave a big smile, "Of course we are."
"Then never forget that. You can always count on me and Sakura and everyone at Bofurin, we'll always be with you."
Nirei hugged him, and Sun Fei couldn't help but wrap his hands tightly around Nirei, enjoying the hug as the strong wind blew.
"Ah, I wanted to ask you something!" Nirei broke free from the hug, and Sun Fei tried to ignore the disappointment of having to let go of Nirei so quickly.
"You can ask, Nire-kun."
"What do I call you?" he inquired. Sun Fei finally noticed that Nirei hadn't called him by his name all day. "I saw your brothers call you Sun Fei and Su Fang, but I didn't understand if that's your real name or a nickname, or if Suo Hayato is the nickname..."
Sun Fei smiled, gently stroking Nirei's hair.
"I missed you calling me Suo-san, but honestly, I think as long as it's Nire-kun calling me, I'll answer to any name!"
Nirei blushed slightly. “I can switch then… Is Sun Fei a Chinese name? It sounds Chinese, Sun Fei… am I pronouncing it right?”
“Yes! Suo Hayato and Su Fang Sun Fei are the same name, it’s just that Japanese pronounce it differently. Your pronunciation is very good, Nire-kun.”
“Should I call you gege? I’ve seen people calling others gege in chineses videos, I think… Sun Fei-gege!” Su Fang felt his heart skip a beat; he was going to die. He never imagined Nirei calling him that affectionately. He didn’t even care that Nirei was older and shouldn’t use gege.
“You can call me that if you want, I’d love to. I’ll call you baobei!”
“What does baobei mean?” Nirei asked, curious.
Sun Fei just shrugged. “We should go inside, let’s go baobei.”
“Hey, answer my question!”
"I can't hear you, baobèi, it's too windy! Let's go inside, you'll catch a cold!"