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It was something Sakura could not describe, could not place. A quiet inconspicuous thing that had taken root in his life during his time in Furin, and now he was unsure what he should do with it. Acquaintance was not enough, too shallow, friend was too simple, comradery came close but did not fit from the critical places.
It was their bubble, their own plain of existence, he had decided in lack of better words.
It had started without an announcement, and then it hadn’t stopped.
Sakura would venture to the roof of their school, all the way to the farthest end of it, and sit there on the cold concrete with whatever doubt, anger, or uncertainty was simmering beneath his skin, reverberating through his body and clouding his head. There he would hide from his friends, under open sky, away from worried eyes and pitying smiles that sometimes did nothing more than throw kerosene into his house fire.
And every now and then he could find Kaji there too, with his headphones firmly over his ears, blasting music so loud Sakura could hear the beat through them, with a lollipop in his mouth and eyes firmly closed, like opening them would mean letting in something unwelcome, or maybe there was something he was keeping in.
Sometimes Kaji would arrive after Sakura, wordlessly settling down on the ground next to him. And occasionally, when Sakura could not let off of the tightness of his jaw and the tension in his hunched shoulders, Kaji would offer him one of his candy, insistently nudging him till he accepted it, and Sakura would never say anything, but every time he would be quietly, privately, thankful for it, as the sweetness eased his nerves and his teeth could not grind together as he focused on the lollipop in his mouth.
They would sit there, shoulder to shoulder, a small but warm point of contact offering silent support and comfort without the pressure of insistent questions or finding the right answers. There was no room for such things in their corner of the roof. They could sit and feel whatever needed to be felt, and they could think over whatever needed the time to be mulled over.
They had the time and space for words everywhere else, so here they were not needed nor wanted. Sakura could yell all the frustration he held in him into Kaji's face when they sparred, Kaji could swear him to hell and deeper afterwards, when Hiragi would have to eventually step in to stop them and send them to patch themselves up.
Kaji always muttered his disdain with Sakura when searching through the medical cabinet in the locker room for cold packs or bandages, but always brought him some anyway, always shoved Sakura's head back and made sure the bleeding of his nose ceased without signs of serious damage.
In return, Sakura would roll his eyes at the stubbourness, knowing he was no better, and dutifully ---but never without complaint--- sit by, do as Kaji instructed him to when patching up the others bruised and bloodied knuckles, wrapping them up nicely. Sakura thought he was getting quite good at it at this point.
And if he sometimes let his fingers linger just a moment longer, adjusting the gauze once more when he had done it perfectly fine the first time, well then, no one else needed to know, and Kaji never commented on it. It was not like Sakura couldn't feel the gentleness in Kaji's firm hold as he reached his hand out to pick Sakura up from the gym floor after bummeling him into it himself, even when they both knew Sakura was completely capable of getting up on his own.
Hiragi would never let it go so far he couldn’t get up. Kaji would never let himself go that far.
.
After the Noroshi war and the defeat of Takiishi and Endo, when Sakura was helping Umemiya with cleaning up the roof, he had heard about Kaji’s fight with Banjo from Hiragi and the second year vice captains. Kaji had been beaten up pretty badly, he had let out the beast inside him, and the images of Kaji with his headphones, lollipops and eyes firmly pressed shut, sitting still next to Sakura with hands tightly clutched in fists, swirled in his head. Sakura knew the fight must have been more than physically painful, if the strain and discomfort on Kaji’s face when they sat on the roof at times was anything revealing of his inner battles, of what he wished to keep sealed inside him.
Sakura had barely seen Kaji after everything, always missing each other by an inch as they both recovered from their injuries and did their part in restoring what had been destroyed. His thoughts were gnawing at him, worry he didn’t know how to handle filling his head as he heard snippets of what had gone down on the bridge.
A week had gone by of that and on a calm afternoon Sakura was left alone on the roof, this time resting against the metal fencing at the spot Kaji had held the grade captain talk with him, already months prior at this point. Maybe that, he thought, had been the beginning of what had been developing between them, even when he was not yet sure of what that was.
Distant steps and a creak of the heavy door readied Sakura for someone else's appearance.
Kaji stopped in his tracks when he spotted Sakura. The couple seconds of silence felt like they stretched on forever, and Sakura ran his eyes over all of Kaji, with his grey hoodie and headphones down for once, wondering why he was searching for signs of unhealed injuries so fervently. And when nothing about the other boy seemed visibly amiss, he felt a tension he had not realised was there leaving his body with his breathing, and he snapped his eyes back up to Kaji’s face, and the expression that was turning more sour with every moment that passed.
Sakura had no time to react when Kaji marched right up to him and flicked his forehead, hard.
“OI, what the fuck was for?!” he yelped, bringing his hand up to massage the spot Kaji had assaulted, “I’m healing!”
“An idiot. That’s what you are,” Kaji said, his expression back to his normal stoic one to Sakura’s relief. Now would be an inconvenient time to brawl, when his body was still aching — not yet fully recovered — whenever he pushed himself to do more, to move more. Though he would never admit that out loud.
Sakura protested against Kaji’s insults to no avail, as the other one just ignored him and kept talking, “Have you seen Hiragi?”
Sakura gave up on figuring out why he was labeled an idiot this time, “No,” he muttered, “What’d you need him for?” he asked, and if there was a spark of something like disappointment at the knowledge that Kaji was not here for him, for their alone time together, he would not let it show.
Kaji looked at him, clearly exasperated like the answer should be obvious, “Got some questions for him.”
When Sakura made no effort to continue the conversation, they fell into silence. He wondered why Kaji was still right there, so close. It made him too self aware of every small movement, his hands felt awkward hanging at his sides, and he was not sure where he should be looking. Sakura could reach out and touch Kaji’s face with ease, from their spots facing each other. He stopped that train of thought and had to force himself not to shake his head like a wet dog shaking itself dry. Somehow, he feared, Kaji could read all his thoughts from his face, and know. Kaji, who was just staring at him.
“I heard about your fight with Endo,” Kaji said. Everyone has, Sakura thought.
“I heard about your fight with Banjo,” he countered, and saw something flicker in those blue eyes. Something Sakura did not like. “Have all your injuries healed alright? It seems you have no issues moving around at least,” he said more gently. Too gentle for them, he realised.
Kaji blinked, evidently confused at the outright worry and care the question exhibited. It was not often Sakura showed it so freely and openly, so softly, usually more aggressive and less straight forward with it. He knew it himself too. But here he was willingly putting it out for Kaji to see, and it felt like ripping his heart out of his chest and presenting it to the blond boy in front of him, for how much it meant to Sakura. It felt like every millisecond pause in that sentence and every micro expression on his face screamed for Kaji to read something from in between the lines of a stupidly simple question and do something about this all, when Sakura couldn’t bring himself to.
“I’ve healed fine,” Kaji finally managed to answer, his voice quieter than usual to match Sakura’s. “Some wounds are still in danger of reopening if I move too much, but I’m not in pain anymore,” he explained, paused, and continued, “I heard you were bed ridden for multiple days, and Umemiya did not let you help with patching up the town,” There was a teasing lilt to Kaji’s tone which Sakura was immensely grateful for, for once.
“I had to clean up the roof with him,” Sakura crumbled, looking down at his shoes and scrunching up his nose, which in hindsight was not a great idea, as it tinged with a small shock of pain. Endo had broken it. “I’m telling you, you don’t want to spend five consecutive days alone with Umemiya.”
That got a laugh out of Kaji and Sakura snapped his head up. Smiling and laughing Kaji was quite the rare sight, and he would not miss even one second of it. Apparently his obvious amazement to it caused Kaji to smile even wider, and despite it being at his expense, Sakura thought his knees might give out at the marvel in front of him. Only one step forward and they would be nose to nose, and he could see all the details of those bright blue eyes that shined at him then. Shit. His thoughts were getting out of hand.
“Yeah wouldn’t want to be you,” Kaji hummed thoughtfully, cocking his eyebrow, watching Sakura, who huffed indignantly.
Yet again they fell into silence, but this time it was broken quicker when it was Kaji’s turn to ask, “Have your injuries healed fine?” and Sakura’s heart might have given an unauthorized flutter, his ears heating up, as Kaji looked him up and down.
Sakura crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes, “I’m fine, my injuries are doing great.” The look of doubt Kaji gave him was probably earned, as he had always been notoriously bad at admitting he was hurting, always wanting to move move move, fight fight fight, I’m fine, I can do it. In Sakura's mind, there had been no such thing as stopping in years, the house fire continued to burn, and if he stopped, it would swallow him too, and he would not make it out.
Though recently, in the past months, it felt like the fire was calming down, allowing him moments to catch his breath, moments to sit on a roof top doing nothing but letting his mind run free. And in those moments, it was usually Kaji with him, helping to hold those burning flames and thick smoke engulfing the house back, so Sakura could have a few moments more. Kaji, who was likely unaware of what he truly did to Sakura, how he affected him in ways no one had before.
Sakura sighed, his arms falling back down with his exhale, “My nose is a little sensitive still, it’s broken. And I get achy if I work too much, but otherwise I’m actually fine,” he explained to those expecting eyes.
Kaji nodded, his gaze focusing on the centre of Sakura’s face, and Sakura belatedly realised he was looking at his nose. Then, as if in trance, Kaji raised his hand and ran it along the bridge of Sakura’s nose. The touch was delicate and slow, careful not to hurt but curious to feel all the same, Kaji’s finger warm but leaving behind an odd cold sensation. Sakura felt his eyes widen and a blush spread over his face in an instant.
Kaji seemed to come to himself like a rope had snapped, realising what he had just done as he withdrew his hand in a flash, eyes as wide as saucers and face blooming red — matching Sakura —, his mouth agape and an apology flowing out in a jumble of words.
“Shit, I’m sorry!” Kaji rushed, stepping back and Sakura, still dumbfounded by the touch, would have wanted to pull him back, “I didn’t mean to, I don’t know what came over me,” Kaji pressed his face into his palms, “Can we forget that? I’m sorry.”
Sakura was not sure why Kaji would want to forget it, why he thought he needed to apologize so profusely, when Sakura wanted him to just come closer… And then something simple dawned on him. Of course Kaji had not meant it, of course he would want to forget it, of course Kaji wouldn’t want to touch him like that, few would, of course…he had been stupid.
Sakura finally schooled his expression, face falling and draining of the red hues that had coloured it just moments ago, he too would have taken a step back if he wasn’t already almost pressed against the metallic fence separating him from a five story drop.
“Whatever, it’s fine,” Sakura tried, his voice sounding weird even to his own ears as he did his best to keep himself together, keep himself from running as the house fire roared to new heights.
Kaji dropped his hands down now, looking back at Sakura, who hoped he wouldn’t see through him this time. Apparently those hopes burned up immediately, like his hopes had the habit of doing, as Kaji saw something on his face he wasn’t able to hide.
“Sakura,” and Kaji rarely used his name, “are you good?” He took a step closer, again right in front of Sakura.
“I’m fine,” Sakura said, fighting to keep his voice even but it came out rough. He needed to get out, to leave, to exit this conversation, flee from this roof and never come back.
“No you’re not,” there was no room for denial in the tone, Kaji’s eyes roaming Sakura’s face, observing, searching, trying to understand. “You had some thoughts just now and you look like you’re about to freak out,” he continued softer, and Sakura wanted to curse him for it, for all the times they’ve sat together on this damned roof, for all the times he has let the other see him like this. Balancing on the metaphorical tightrope. The only difference between then and now, was that now there was words.
Ah. He needed to use his words. How awful.
Sakura steeled himself. Kaji would not drop it, he would not let Sakura down from this roof without an answer he deemed appropriate. He was stubborn like that. Maybe Sakura could be honest at least, he could try. Honesty and blunt words. When had their conversations been anything other than that?
“I just– hate, how insistently you apologised… like you just did something awful instead of just touched my face,” he said, summing up the core of his freak out, his tone defensive, gathering the shards of class from windows exploded by the heat of the flames inside him, and packed them into those words, not as evidence of his broken soul, but as tine knives to aim and bury them into the flesh of whomever dared to put up a fight. The thought of that ever being Kaji, made him nauseous.
A realization seemed to bloom on Kaji’s face as he processed those words, and then he was taking a step towards Sakura again. A step that stayed small, as they now ended up standing even closer to each other than they had before.
“No, no. Definitely did not mean it like that,” Kaji said firmly, shaking his head lightly, and Sakura listened. Kaji was clearly thinking over his words carefully, because wasn’t that just hilarious? Two people who are famously bad with expressing themselves with words trying to do just that. “Touching you is not bad,” there was a pause where Sakura felt he might collapse from the impact of that one sentence. “What I was apologising for was touching you like that without warning or permission.”
“You don’t need permission to touch me,” the words were out before Sakura could even think them over, yet again one sentence hiding something greater in between the spoken words, aired to be dissected. I want you to touch me. Sakura shut his mouth with an audible noise as his teeth snapped together.
Kaji looked taken aback, just staring for a few long moments, where Sakura’s world seemed to tilt on its axis, as he silently screamed at himself for his stupid traitorous mouth. They had been balancing on the line of something for a while, and this one single conversation felt like a roller coaster of emotions and issues, about to wreck their carefully crafted unspoken boundaries and rules.
When the corner of Kaji’s mouth curled up the tiniest bit, and his features relaxed, Sakura felt relief. He expected teasing, a snarky remark, even a half hearted lecture about always needing permission to touch someone, but what Sakura did not expect was the calm ‘Okay’ spoken into the air between them and the hand that came up to run through his hair. Sakura thought he must have looked absolutely hilarious with his stunned expression, suppressing a shiver as fingers ran all the way to the nape of his neck, holding onto the short hairs there, but Kaji’s eyes reflected only awe as he watched his own hand messing with Sakura’s hair.
All that insecurity Sakura carried within himself seemed to quiet down at that expression, and the class shards promptly exploded into thousands of sparkling pieces like rain fall on a sunny day, the house fire sputtering, drowning in the calm waves of Kaji’s presence, fighting for its life as a smouldering shell of a house about to collapse.
Sakura shook off the shock, cheeks heating up quickly and Kaji’s hand moved from his hair to his cheek, brushing it with his thumb like trying to feel the blush.
“Kaji?” Sakura questioned, thankful for the lack of direct eye contact, because he doubted he could have kept his voice even if he was staring right at those ridiculously pretty eyes. Though it was a short respite, because his name prompted Kaji to meet his gaze, and before Sakura could figure out if he had even planned to say anything else, Kaji’s gaze dropped to his lips.
He swears someone shocked him with an electric current then, for the sensation that traveled through his body. Sakura’s own eyes were dropping down to Kaji’s lips without his permission and like a magnet, he felt something pulling him in, urging him to lean in, close the distance. Sakura had a couple of seconds to think about how he had never kissed anyone, before he felt Kaji’s other hand wrap around his arm and he was pulled into his first kiss.
There were no fireworks or any of that fairytale carbage Sakura had heard the girls in his middle school wistfully gossip about. It was awkward at first, he was unsure where to place his hands and how to move his lips, and Sakura feared that Kaji would decide he wanted to stop because of it, but he didn’t pull away, just tilted Sakura's head into a better position and let Sakura get used to the sensation of their lips together. Kaji’s lips were surprisingly soft, Sakura thought idly, warmth spreading through his body, his hands having found their places resting on Kaji’s shoulders, gripping his hoodie, as their lips seemed to find their rhythm.
A gasp and an ‘oh crap’ forced them apart, Kaji swiveling around and glaring at his vice captains who were standing a few metres away, clearly just having entered the roof. Sakura was immediately frozen in his place, blushing even further if that was even possible at that point, and absolutely embarrassed at being caught.
“The fuck you want?” Kaji demanded, his cheeks pink too, from embarrassment or the kissing, Sakura was not sure.
“Nothing!” Enomoto squeaked, sharply turning around and grabbing Kusumi’s arm, who was smiling happily at them, to drag him away with him. And as they disappeared Kusumi threw them a double thumbs up, which got a middle finger in response from Kaji.
Sakura wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment.
After a moment Kaji turned back to him, “God,” he sighed, but there was a smile on his lips and Sakura could not get his eyes away from them, adrenaline pumping and his heart fluttering in his chest as if trying to take flight. And Kaji must have noticed, because he stepped right up against Sakura, forcing him to tear his gaze away from his lips and up, noses pumping and breaths mingling. He kissed him again. More insistently this time, and Sakura felt himself melting, because what in the world was happening, and was he allowed to have this? Was he allowed to keep this?