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There are so many ways Shane wanted to spend his weekend, but this was NOT it.
Stuck in this stupid room in this stupid studio in Montreal, not in his husband’s arms, his husband who is in a whole different city, his husband—he will never get tired of saying that.
Yuna had almost (keyword being almost) taken pity on him and cancelled this sponsor photoshoot when he told her he wanted to spend the day with Ilya.
Shane knows it warms her heart to see her son so in love, but she still managed to convince him to go, promising to keep Ilya company and invite him over to spend the day with her and David.
Shane knows Ilya loves spending time with Yuna and David alone even though he still gets the usual texts of “are you done yet” “I miss you” “when are you coming back” “Anya misses her dad” he usually gets every 20 minutes or so whenever they’re apart.
Actually, now that he thought about it, he hadn’t gotten a single text from Ilya so far, which is weird considering he was extra needy and clingy before Shane left, almost begging him to just stay to snuggle and forget about the photoshoot.
Shane tried not to think much of it. He told himself it’s nothing too concerning. Ilya is probably just busy playing cards with his parents or probably helping with dinner preparation or…. something, he thought, dismissing the worry that clouded his mind.
“Mr. Hollander? We’re ready to start” one of the staff’s voice called out snapping him out of his thoughts, motioning him toward the photographers and to the stupid photoshoot he still had to finish.
What he wouldn’t give to be done with this right now. Ilya’s intolerance to sponsor deals probably rubbed off on him. He chuckled a little at the thought then sighed to himself, God he misses his husband.
———————
After what felt like an eternity, the director gave a 10 minute break and Shane could finally call his husband. He opened his phone and scrolled through the notification noting that Ilya still had not sent a single text. Hm... weird.
Then he was met with a string of concerning texts from both his parents.
Mom: Shane honey did you talk to Ilya recently?
Mom: He is not here yet. Did he change his mind about dinner?
Mom: Honey Ilya just called he sounds a bit sick I’ll go over to check on him
Mom: Shane call me as soon as you can
His pulse jumped.
Ilya’s sick? Why didn’t he say anything before he left? Why didn’t Shane notice? Fuck he should’ve known. Ilya always gets more clingy when he’s sick.
He was swiping off the app to call his mom when his dad’s text caught his eye first.
Dad: he is okay, don’t worry the doctors are with him now
What is he talking about? They had to take him to the hospital?
With his hands shaking he called his mom’s number, already getting dressed to leave.
“Pick up pick up pick up” he muttered, pushing his way out and ignoring everyone calling his name.
After what felt like a lifetime, which was most likely only three rings, his mom finally picked up.
“Mom what is happening? You took Ilya to the hospital? Is he okay?” Shane asked, waving down a taxi.
“David!!” his mom hiss.
“I thought you already told him!” David said, muffled in the background.
"For god’s sake— Shane it’s okay honey, don’t worry he’s okay now-”
“Clearly he is not if you had to take him to the hospital!” He tried not to let the panic and anger bleed into his voice but that was proving to be impossible.
“Okay it’s just his appendix he had to get emergency surgery to remove it but it’s all good now you don’t have to worry, okay honey?”
He could hear the forced calm in his mother’s tone which did nothing to calm his nerves like his mom probably intended.
"Fuck alright, I’m heading to the airport now I’ll be there in about two hours on the next flight. Text me if there’s any updates please”
——————
Shane knew he looked like a mess of nerves and sweat right now. He would probably be worried about someone recognizing him if he was not that deep in his head.
He doesn’t even know how he managed to go through the whole process at the airport, relying on the years of practice and muscle memory after traveling so much.
After settling on the plane, the lack of activity finally let his thoughts catch up to him.
How hadn’t he noticed?
He promised himself that he would never miss any signs again. Yet here he was, on a plane, flying towards his husband in the hospital because he hadn’t realized Ilya was in pain.
He thought about all the times Ilya passed on food lately with a random excuse. The way exercise had seemed harder. The way he turned down sex.
Fuck.
How did he not see it?
He was supposed to know these things. Ilya always noticed when something was wrong with him.
Why can’t he notice back?
Ilya must be so disappointed that he’s letting him down yet again.
This was not productive thinking; I should do something more beneficial; he told himself as he felt his breath pick up again. He was not going to have a panic attack on this plane.
He opened his browser and started searching up everything he should know about the surgery, recovery, food plans and possible side effects etc.
Logically he knows it’s a common thing people go through and that he shouldn’t be as worried as he is, but he can’t help it. His husband was in the hospital getting emergency surgery dammit.
As he was on his way to the hospital from the airport, he got a text from his mom saying that Ilya had been out for surgery for a bit now and that he was in a private recovery room and the room number.
——————
He found himself standing in front of the door taking a few deep, steadying, breaths. He really doesn’t want to cry in front of Ilya, especially not when it’s a simple surgery. It’s not even about him, it’s about his husband and he can be strong and calm and be there for him.
Well, shit.
He opened the door, and as soon as he saw his husband in the hospital bed, something twisted painfully in his stomach. All the guilt and worry came rushing back, clouding his mind.
Walking over to the bed side he gently caressed Ilya’s cheek “I’m so sorry baby” he mumbled quietly.
He didn’t notice his parents concerned faces looking at him until his mom was hugging him muttering “it’s okay honey he’s okay” and the tears he’d been holding fell without warning, dampening his mother’s shirt as quiet sobs made their way up his throat.
Being in his mother’s embrace settled his nerves long enough to pull back and ask what had happened. He needed to know what he had missed, what he should’ve been here for.
His mom looked down and exhaled slowly.
“He called us” David started, sensing his wife’s struggle to come up with words. “Said he couldn’t make it and that he might be coming down with something” he looked over at his wife signaling her to continue.
“I thought he might have a cold or a fever, so I made some soup and we brought it over to your cottage” Yuna paused remembering the events that followed. Shane waited, holding his breath as his mom relived the few minutes that followed their arrival and continued.
——————
Yuna was the one that went looking for Ilya as David plated the soup for him. She walked into the room calling Ilya’s name softly expecting to find him asleep on the bed.
What she didn’t expect was the sight of him on the ensuite bathroom floor hunched over the toilet bowl retching but nothing coming up other than stomach acid, shaking with pain, tears running down his cheeks.
She had never seen Ilya in this state before.
She doubted anyone had.
“Oh my god! Ilya are you okay??” she quickly rushed into the bathroom. Ilya who didn’t even notice her arrival let out a startled sound and a russian word Yuna guessed was a curse.
As Ilya was letting out more pained cries, Yuna yelled for her husband who came rushing.
He gasped taking in the sight in front of him, Ilya on the floor sweating and crying in pain, Yuna crouching over him, eyes frantic and worried.
Deciding that calling an ambulance would take more time, David hauled Ilya up with one arm around his waist and Ilya’s arm over his shoulder.
They somehow got him into the car’s backseat and Yuna with him, his head on her lap, patting his soft curls in an attempt to bring him any comfort she can.
She couldn’t control the tears that gathered in her eyes at the sound of Ilya muttering russian words Yuna couldn’t understand but she caught him repeating “mama” multiple times and her heart clenched.
He looked so small like a tiny little boy searching for his mother’s comfort.
“shhh shhh” she said softly. “it’s okay honey I got you. you’ll be okay” she kept repeating to him and partially to herself until they reached the hospital.
——————
Yuna tried to tell Shane all the events of the day without making it too difficult to hear. She knew what her son must be thinking. She knew how much he would blame himself and how insecure he would be feeling. So, she tried to describe the events as lightly as possible.
That, however, didn’t stop Shane from crying again at the thought of his husband alone and in pain, trying to hide it from everyone until he couldn’t take it anymore.
——————
Shane couldn’t control the anxiety vibrating through him while waiting for his husband to wake up. He was alternating between bouncing his leg, biting his nails and pacing through the room.
He knew that his mom could sense his worry. He could practically feel her eyes staring through his soul. She tried to open up conversations and Shane knew she was trying to comfort him, but he really did not want a pep talk right now.
He still felt a bit of resentment, in the depth of his mind, towards his mom. She was the one who made him go to that stupid photoshoot after all. But he would never admit that, not intentionally anyway.
He loved his mom and he was so so grateful she was there for Ilya when he wasn’t, but he can’t get over the fact that he would’ve been there if it wasn’t for the deal she was so insistent on making.
——————
A soft groan interrupted his thoughts and his eyes snapped towards Ilya. “Gde ty mama?” Ilya said. His voice still dry and rough.
Shane’s breath caught in his throat. Ilya’s words lodged painfully somewhere behind his ribs.
He easily understood what Ilya said since it was one of the phrases he often uses around the house. His parents must have guessed the general meaning judging by the looks on their faces.
Shane approached the bed cautiously and carefully said “Ilya...baby?”
Ilya’s hazy eyes scanned the room, confused. Then his eyes landed on Shane and relaxed, seemingly comforted by the familiar sight of his husband.
“Shane what happened? Why are we here?” Ilya asked, his words slurring from the post op drugs.
Shane wondered just how out of it was he before he came here that he doesn’t even remember. Heat stung behind his eyes again.
Shane raised his hand to caress Ilya’s cheek and responded “you just had surgery baby. They needed to remove your appendix”. Ilya just leaned into the touch and smiled a dopy smile that made Shane’s heart skip a beat.
“you’re here. Not in Montreal” he said more as a fact rather than a question.
Fuck.
How many times can his heart clench before it became a medical problem.
“Of course, I’m here, baby. I always will be” Shane said while wiping the stray tear he didn’t noticed was on his cheek. Ilya frowned a bit, “moya lyubov what’s-”
Ilya was cut off by the nurse knocking and entering the room “oh look who’s awake! How are we feeling Mr. Rozanov?” The nurse’s voice was cheery and loud, contrasting the atmosphere of the room earlier.
“Good. My husband is here” she chuckled a little at that “I can see that. Alright I will just check you out and I will be out of your hair as fast as possible” she said while putting on her gloves.
Shane patted Ilya’s leg and gave the nurse some space to work. He stood far from the bed where he couldn’t see his husband’s face.
Yuna had a clearer view of Ilya’s face from where she stood. She noticed his hand coming up to his neck and his face dropping from the smile he had.
Ilya’s breathing sped up instantly.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Yuna asked, already moving towards him.
Shane rushed to the bedside “Ilya what happened?”
“Are you in pain Mr. Rozanov?” the nurse asked.
Ilya sat upright suddenly, eyes wide, hands clawing at his neck.
“Nyet nyet— gde eto?” His eyes frantically scanning around the room.
“Moye ozherelye. Shane, pozhaluysta—mamino ozherelye” he said desperately, attempting to get up.
Shane reached for his husband to keep him from moving to get up. His mind racing trying to understand the frantic russian.
“Baby, I don’t understand—please” he pleaded, wishing he did better learning russian.
“My necklace” Ilya panted out “please, Shane, please” his wide eyes filling with tears as he looked up desperately at Shane.
“Oh right! all your belongings are at the nurses’ station I meant to bring it later, but I can go get it right now?” the nurse urgently interrupted.
“Yes, go go quick please” Yuna replied in an almost disbelieving tone, eyes still on Ilya’s sobbing figure.
Shane embraced Ilya’s head, placing a kiss to his hair and said “it’s okay baby it’s okay she’s getting it for you just breath”
Ilya, breath was still coming in rapid gasps, raised his arm to hug him back, fingers curling tightly into the fabric of his shirt.
“I can’t—I can’t lose it Shane. My mama I can’t—”
“You won’t. I will make sure of it. you will not lose it okay?”
After 10 brutal minutes, the nurse came back with a box of all the belongings Ilya had when he arrived. She quickly dug through it and pulled out the gold crucifix “there you go”
Ilya grabbed it tightly in his palm as if it would disappear at any second. He pressed it to his mouth and mumbled against it “Spasibo, spasibo, spasibo” sounding almost like a prayer.
——————
Ilya woke up hours later more alert than he was before. He slept through the whole day after the exhausting few hours he had.
Eyes barely open as he looked around the room taking in the sight of Yuna sitting on the couch at the other side of the room scrolling on her phone.
“Oh, you’re awake! how do you feel?” she said, noticing his eyes on her.
“Good” he said voice still rough from sleep. “Shane?”
“He and David went to get some coffee from the cafeteria”
There was a moment of silence. Ilya glanced at her like he had something to say so she waited silently until he did.
“I am sorry— about yesterday—all of it—I didn’t-”
“Oh no none of that, you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing. I don’t want to hear any of that nonsense again, okay?”
Ilya’s eyes just lowered, unable to fully believe that he didn’t have to apologize and sighed a long, tired sigh.
“How is Shane feeling? wants to kill me, yes?” he attempted to lighten the mood.
“ha ha no I’m pretty sure he feels bad he didn’t know you were sick before” she stopped briefly and put her hand on Ilya’s leg.
“Ilya why didn’t you tell anyone before it got this bad? Why don’t you let us take care of you, honey? That’s what family does. They take care of each other, and you always take care of us. Let your family take care of you too”
Ilya was taken aback by her words. He turned his face away from her, feeling the lump in his throat grow. Silent tears started going down his face. “sorry”
“Oh honey” Yuna immediately hugged him and briefly wondered how she could’ve ever hated that boy before.
——————
Not long after, Shane and his dad returned with the coffee. A nurse came over to check Ilya and give them the discharge papers that David began filling out with him as Shane and Yuna packed their things to go.
“What happened with the photoshoot? Did you call them back?” Yuna asked while zipping up the bag.
“Of course, that’s what you’re worried about” Shane grumbled under his breath.
“What? it’s a brand deal of course I’m going to be worried about it”
“it’s—just—I’m so fucking tired of everyone deciding things for me, okay? I don’t need everyone telling me how to live or—” he glanced at Ilya, meeting his eyes “what I should or shouldn’t worry about”
Ilya’s immediately looked down.
Shane sighed “I’m going to go bring the car up front” he said and walked out the door.
Yuna and David shared a knowing look but stayed silent.
——————
The ride back home was silent and heavy, David’s careful driving made it extra long as well. Ilya used all the time to brace against what will inevitably come when they’re alone at their cottage.
He knew Shane was upset. He broke his promise to tell each other everything about how they feel. He promised not to hide the bad days anymore, yet he did it again.
He will have to beg for forgiveness he doesn’t think he deserves but he will try anyways.
When they reached their destination Shane rounded the car to help Ilya. “The rest of my body is working just fine moya lyublov” Ilya attempted to joke.
Shane gave him a look he couldn’t fully read but he clearly saw the hurt there.
Ilya never wants to see that look on his husband’s face ever again.
They entered the house and Shane immediately stormed to their bedroom. He sat on the bed, elbows on his knees and hands in his hair.
Ilya entered the room a minute later and started “Shane talk to me lyubimiy—please”
There was something wounded and guilty in his voice that hit Shane hard enough that it made him speak before he could stop himself. “Do you not trust me?”
“Shane what are you-”
“I know you’re disappointed or—or hurt probably that I didn’t notice you’re in pain again and I’m so sorry—I’m really really sorry Ilya I just—”
“Shane”
“I know I’m a bad husband to you. I never notice the things you easily notice. I don’t—”
“Shane! Stop”
Shane finally lifted his eyes to meet Ilya’s own.
Ilya’s eyes softened seeing his husband’s glassy eyes. He never wants to be the reason he cries again.
Ilya started with a firm but gentle voice “I’m not disappointed or hurt or any of what you said okay? I—”
“Ilya—”
“No listen” he cut him off “I was disappointed in myself for breaking my promise. It’s me who is being bad husband. We said we would tell each other everything and I didn’t. I thought it was nothing, maybe from bad food I ate on the street behind your back and was scared you will scold me.”
That earned him a small, wet chuckle.
“I’m sorry you feel like you have to hide things from me” Shane said in a small voice that made Ilya’s heart break.
He sat on the bed and gathered Shane in his arms.
“No. No more sorry kotik. I love you. You are the best husband to me, and I will be very upset if you say you are bad husband again.”
Shane immediately melted in his arms, hugging him tightly before jerking back suddenly as if he was burned.
“Hey what’s wrong?” Ilya said softly.
“I don’t want to hurt you Ilya. Oh my god what am I even doing? You’re the one who’s in pain! I should be comforting you!”
“You do not hurt me moya lyublov. I’m big strong russian yes?”
Shane rolled his eyes, but his expression was nothing but fond.
“I’m sorry for scaring you and scaring Yuna. I will never do this again”
“Yeah, you better not, asshole” Shane sent a light punch to his arm.
Ilya held his arm dramatically and let out an exaggerated ow.
“How could you hit me when I’m in pain like this”
Shane just shook his head smiling.
Ilya shuffled to the end of bed, laid his head on the pillow and patted the space beside him.
“Come here, kotik”
Shane curled carefully beside him, one arm wrapped protectively around Ilya’s waist.
Sometime during the night, he woke up briefly to find Ilya still clutching the gold crucifix tightly against his chest.
Shane pressed a quite kiss to his temple, vowing to himself to be a better husband for Ilya before falling back asleep.
Shane woke up three more times that night just to make sure Ilya was still beside him.