Chapter Text
"Maybe this was a sign that we needed to stop. Honestly, I think it's for the best."
Jackson's words kept running over and over through her mind like an annoying song she couldn't get out of her head. Try as she might she couldn't shake them. It had been such an emotional day. A pregnancy scare, a proposal, and a break up had rocked her world off its axis today. But had she and Jackson even broken up? Were they even dating? This whole friends with benefits thing was so confusing. Maybe Jackson was right. Maybe not sleeping with each other anymore was a good idea. But if it was, why did her heart ache? Why did she miss him already? Why was the thing she wanted the most in the world was to be in his arms?
This just didn't feel right. April hugged her pillow tighter and willed herself not to cry. She'd formed this habit at a young age when her first crush asked out Susie Hawthorne to the 7th grade dance instead of her. She'd told herself not to cry over a stupid boy, but to be strong instead. That thinking hadn't worked 18 years ago and it sure as hell didn't work now.
In the midst of her tears, she heard her phone buzzing. She prayed that it wasn't an emergency at the hospital because she seriously needed some time for herself right now. Glancing at her phone, she saw a text from Jackson.
I left my iPod at your place. Can I come up and get it real quick?
April wiped the tears from her cheeks. She quickly responded to his text, then raced to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face and hoping to ease some of the redness and puffiness from her face.
Too soon she heard a knock on the door. She made herself walk at a normal speed to the door. She opened the door and let him in. "I didn't get a chance to look for it. Do you know where you left it?" she asked.
Jackson walked over to her desk and picked up his iPod. "Got it," he replied.
"Glad you found it," April replied, feeling weepy again. It didn't seem like he wanted to talk after all. He really was here just to get his stuff.
Glancing at April, Jackson asked, "Are you OK?"
She laughed and shook her head. "I just got dumped tonight. Of course, I'm not OK!"
If it were physically possible, she would have kicked herself because darn and blast it if she wasn't crying again. And in front of Jackson to boot.
"Hey," he said in that soft way of his that always made her melt, always made her cave.
"No, no, don't," she said, waving him away and covering her face with her hands. "Don't…don't be like this. It's easier if we just distance ourselves."
"I'm sorry, April," he said, standing there helplessly. "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Looking up, she had expected to see him moving away from her, but there he was statue still in front of her, his gaze zeroed in on her. Her breathing slowed but her heart began to pound as she returned his gaze and bit her lip.
"Don't," he breathed. "You know what looking at me that way does to me."
Stretching, April got up from the lumpy on call bed. She'd slept for two hours and she was still tired. It was all Jackson's fault. She'd gotten used to a certain activity before falling asleep each night. Now that that was no longer an option for her, she was having a lot of trouble getting to sleep on her own at night. She was having to catch up the few hours she could in between shifts.
Looking at the calendar alert on her phone, she realized that tomorrow was Bailey's wedding. Groaning, she threw herself a little pity party. She had originally planned to attend with Jackson, but now she just didn't want to go at all. Maybe she could get out of it. Cover somebody's shift?
April felt her heart sink as she glanced back at the chatting couple. Jackson looked happy and engaged in the conversation he was having with the younger intern. He hadn't looked up when she'd walked into the hotel. She bit her lip, feeling her insecurity rise. Maybe he didn't miss her like she missed him.
How had he gone from just a friend to the one and only person who consumed her thoughts? More importantly, why was she so jealous? After all, it was her idea that he take Stephanie to the wedding.
She turned back to her own date, Shane Ross. She didn't know what she'd been thinking asking an intern to come with her. Was she really that desperate? Not like it was a real date or anything but she would have had more fun attending alone.
Tapping her foot, she looked around to see if there were any signs that the wedding would start soon. She felt the need, the need to pee.
Checking one last time that the bride wasn't immediately on her way down the aisle, she rose from her chair, whispering to Ross that she'd be right back. As she passed Jackson and Stephanie, Jackson finally looked up and locked eyes with her. She stumbled for a second before righting herself and heading to the bathroom.
Minutes later as she left the bathroom, she found Jackson standing outside the door.
"Hey," she said.
"Your date couldn't find you. I was just going to tell you that the wedding has been put on hold for a bit. Looks like there's an emergency at the hospital."
She nodded. Damn, if he didn't look good in a tux. How would he react if she pulled him back into the bathroom for a quickie? They'd had sex in the men's bathroom in San Francisco. It only seemed right that they get busy in a women's bathroom as well.
"Do you need a ride back to the hospital?" he asked. "It looks like Ross has already headed back."
"No. I took my own car."
Jackson scratched his beard. "Well, Stephanie and I are going to head out then. See you later."
"Yeah, see you at the hospital."
Jackson took a step forward, but turned back to say, "You looked really beautiful tonight."
April's insides turned to mush. "Thanks. So do you. I mean...you look...you look great too."
Jackson bobbed his head in response before turning away once more. She watched his retreating back. How did he expect her to get over him when he said things like that?
April fanned herself. It was the middle of January. Why in the world was she so hot? Was the thermostat set too high again? She'd have the custodian check it the next time she saw him.
"Hey," she heard Jackson say behind her.
"Hi," she replied, waiting for him to speak.
"I am kind of sleeping with Stephanie."
At these words, a wave of nausea and sadness so fierce threatened to knock April over. Her surprise rendered her mute. They'd only split up like 7 weeks ago and he'd clearly already moved on. How ironic that he was over her and she wasn't even close to being over him?
He kept speaking for a few more seconds, but for the life of her she had no clue what he said. Her pain dulled all of her senses. It was only when he reached out to touch her that she reacted. She couldn't bear to feel his touch. It was too much for her. She knew she would end up in tears so she shied away from him.
"I miss you," she confessed. "I thought that we were friends. And now everything's just so…"
"So we can still be friends," Jackson protested.
April shook her head in disagreement. No. No, they couldn't just be friends. Her mind and her heart were screaming that what she felt for this man ran too deep to be just friendship.
"You know what I'm thinking about right now?" she whispered in some sort of crazy, last ditch effort. "Kissing you. Standing here looking at you and all I want to do is kiss you."
She paused for a moment, watching Jackson press his lips together, almost as if he wanted to kiss her as badly as she wanted to kiss him. Yet, he didn't do anything. Didn't say anything. So she continued, "So I'm not ready to be your friend yet."
"Are you sure?" he asked, his eyes seeming to plead with hers.
Swallowing, she resolved to be strong. He had moved on. So could she. "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. Thank you for telling me," she said, before collecting herself as best as she could after having a bomb explode on all her hopes and dreams. Taking her chart, she walked to her patient's room.
I can do this, I can do this became her inner mantra. Although it was almost overshadowed by her But what if I can't?
Two Weeks Later
"Hey Hunt, have you seen Kepner around?" Jackson asked, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of winning his friend back. "I've got a surgery she might be interested in."
Owen shot him an odd look. "She's not here," the older man replied.
Reaching for his phone, Jackson said, "I'll text her and tell her to come in."
"That's not going to do much good Avery. She's no longer in the state. Didn't you know?"
All of a sudden, Jackson's cheerful mood dissipated. "What don't I know?" he asked.
"April's resigned from Seattle Grace. She took a job in Connecticut."
"What?" Jackson replied, completely floored.
The Chief of Surgery's face took on a look of pity. "I thought she would have told you, Avery. You guys always seemed like such good friends."
Jackson swallowed. "I guess we weren't that good of friends if she goes off and leaves without a goodbye."
Owen clapped him on the shoulder. "I'm sorry man."
April looked out the plane window, contemplating her future. She was pressing reset because there was nothing left for her in Seattle. It was the perfect time for a fresh start. She was moving to a new town, working at a new hospital that didn't have the same reputation that Seattle Grace Mercy Death had, and most importantly, she thought looking down at the sonogram in her hand, she was carrying a new life.