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Will had woken up for the second time that night. He had tears running down his face and, well he felt like shit. It was probably the stress from a particularly busy week in the infirmary but Will’s nightmares were worse than they had been in months.
All he could see was Micheal falling on repeat or Lee’s head gushing all over himself and Will, or the still, semi peaceful looking bodies of Will’s younger and older siblings taken far, far too soon.
It was horrible, and every time he had one of those nightmares it felt real, not just vivid but excruciatingly genuine. He could feel tears running down his face and the blood of his siblings smeared across his face and hands. Waking up from one of those dreams was the most stressful yet reliving feeling Will had ever felt.
Once he got his bearings it was easier to calm down but calming down didn’t stop the nauseating wave of grief that hit him. Every time he let his sadness take over it was like a dam suddenly bursting open.
He tried his best to wipe his eyes and put on his best smile but his tears continued to fall. Will hated when he couldn’t pull himself together, every single other head counsellor could’ve, and would’ve. “That was a dumb thought to have” he chided himself because he knew it would only make him cry more.
He finally decided he needed a walk, “some fresh air will help” he told himself even though he was sceptical it would actually. He walked outside of his cabin ignoring the harpies, Micheal had told Will when he was little that they could smell fear, he now knew that Micheal was only trying to scare him but he still wouldn’t put it past the Harpies, they were pretty terrifying (though Will would never admit that).
He walked towards the woods as fast as his legs could muster (which wasn’t very fast, since he was still half asleep.) and headed towards the clearing close to the beach.
The clearing was a beautiful circle of trees with the only large opening facing the water. Will had found the clearing on one of his first days at camp, he was freaking out about something, it was dumb, that much he remembered and ran into the woods. He knew the woods were pretty dangerous and that was about all he did know since he was so new. he finally stopped running when he found the clearing and Lee, who may or may not have been chasing him begging him to stop running the whole time, found it with him. The space always reminded him of the simpler days where he could just run into the forest and laugh with his siblings when he was caught.
As soon as he got to the clearing he sat down on the log in the middle of it, he tried for steady breaths but clearly wasn’t going to help. Will soon realized that he had essentially just came out into the woods to cry where he wouldn’t disturb his siblings.
He loved his siblings, I mean how could he not? they were all he had left and he was all they had left too. Sure it was frustrating that they couldn’t see how much he did for them sometimes but if anything Will was glad they didn’t understand. He had vowed to himself to keep his siblings from feeling the helplessness he had felt taking on all of the huge responsibilities he did when he was younger.
But no matter how much he loved his siblings that didn’t stop him for missing the ones he’d lost. Kayla and Austin didn’t fully understand what Will had lost and neither did Nico or anyone really. He felt bad for pitying himself on such a giant scale but it was true. The older kids from the Apollo cabin were the first stable home he had ever known and for five years it was stable until one day poof it wasn’t anymore.
He was wallowing in self pity so intensely and sobbing with such intensity that he apparently didn’t hear the footsteps of someone echoing behind him before they plopped down right next to him. “Oh hi Nico” Will said as he tried for a light tone and a slight grin as tears sparkled in the corner of his eyes, tried being the keyword.
“You don’t have to do that Will, not ever but especially not now” he replied just above a whisper sadness dripping from his lips.
“Sorry” Will muttered back dropping the fake cheery tone yet trying to maintain a neutral facade.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Nico said breaking the heavy silence that had been lingering around the two with a similar volume to his previous statement.
“I-, I don’t know how to..” Will admitted after another long pause in the conversation.
“ I get that” Nico reassured him his voice getting stronger but not louder.
“…But, I’m willing to try” he continued, taking a breath before beginning to try to explain.
“Nico, I’m tired, like really tired.” Will said with a laugh that lacked humour following his words “not just physically or emotionally or mentally, but everything tired, like wanting to peel my face off because I can’t handle existing kind of tired. I’m tired in every way at every second of the day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I drift off to sleep.” Will stated looking forward at the calm waves hitting the beach “ I miss them so much Nico, and I just feel like no one really understands just how much.” He felt lighter but not by much, saying that much had only given him more to talk about and more to clarify, but it felt like he couldn’t say more unless more was asked to be said.
So instead he fiddled with a stick he had found on the ground next to him and watched the water waiting desperately for a response. “You’re allowed to miss them you know, you don’t always have to move on.” Nico finally replied with a slight kind of concern to his voice that told Will he wasn’t quite sure how to help.
But doesn’t he? Doesn’t he have to be strong?
“That’s what I mean Nico, no one understands, not even you. I do miss them, every day but I can’t show people that, because that’s not who I am. When people are scared they want normalcy and I’m here to help scared people.” He reasoned whether it was focused towards Nico or himself he wasn’t so sure.
“Is it actually who you are, or who you think you need to be?” Nico said the quietness seeping back into his voice.
“Stop it, stop doing that.” Will begged, tears beginning to roll down his face once more.“stop pretending you know how I feel, you don’t understand how I feel, ok? Because I don’t even understand. I lost seventeen siblings in A YEAR AND A HALF. I’VE WATCHED MORE KIDS BLEED OUT IN FRONT OF ME THAN I CAN COUNT ON MY HANDS. AND I WILL SOLACE AM ONLY CONSIDERED A HEALER BECAUSE HEROS GO GET THEMSELVES KILLED AND US HEALERS CLEAN UP WHAT THEY LEAVE BEHIND” When Will had finished talking he looked just as surprised as Nico that he had started to yell, though Nico could tell Will wasn’t actually mad at him he was just mad, his voice oozed bottled up grief and anger and as soon as he stopped his face dropped to a tired, almost relieved expression.
He wanted to apologize to Nico, maybe even tell him to forget that he had said anything and run back to his cabin but instead all he could do was crumple to his knees, throw his head into Nico’s lap and cry.
He had forgotten how good it felt to be held be someone else as you cried, he hadn’t gotten that privilege for months, upon months and he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it. He could vaguely remember Nico shadow travelling him to cabin thirteen, (Will was too tired to even scold him for it) and place him on to the bed before changing into his own pyjamas, leaving Will in his shorts and camp t-shirt. Nico got into the bed next to Will, ( some could also argue on top of Will)
Nico ran his fingers through Will’s hair and whispered sweet nothings in his ears until he finally drifted off, once again getting the privilege to be held together by someone other than himself.