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1.
It was during Grace and Rocky’s celebration after their discovery of Taumoeba that Grace had found Ilyukhina’s extra stash of vodka while rooting around looking for party supplies, and had subsequently gotten very drunk after having only one bag. He and Rocky turned off the fireworks projection a while before, so they settled on a routine they knew best: Watching the entirety of the Lord of the Rings franchise over again. Grace liked it for the worldbuilding, Rocky liked it for the music.
“I wonder if it means anything in his language,” Grace thought to himself before the alcohol took over. And when the alcohol did take over, Grace reduced to a puddle on the floor, asking questions he thought were mind-blowing ideas but turned out to be just gibberish. But, there was one question that did stick out.
“Hey, Rocks?” “Yes, question?” “If you could change like, anything about yourself right now, what would you change?” “Sometimes Rocky think about height increase. Would cuddle Adrian better,” Rocky says, a slight trill in his words that Grace knows as love. “What Grace change, question?” “Honestly Rock, I feel like being a woman would be a hell of a lot better than being whatever this is,” he said, gesturing to himself with loose limbs. “Why would Grace be female, question?” Rocky asked.
Grace laid there for a while, thinking about what Rocky said. “I dunno pal, women have it easier on Earth. And they're nicer and better to talk to, and overall better than men.” “So Grace want to be female, question?” “No, Rocks. Sometimes it’s just nice to think about.” Rocky paused for a minute before making a chime of understanding before turning back to the movie. Grace tried to forget the conversation as he reintegrated himself into the world.
The next morning, Grace woke up with a crippling hangover and full memories of the talk from the night before. He tried not to think about it as he got ready for the day (?) and got back to work.
2.
Grace and Rocky were around 6 months into their journey to Erid, and with nothing to do except check on the Taumoeba, they spent most of their time in the Anti-Insanity Globe watching movies from the Hail Mary's nearly infinite supply. Grace made a note to mentally thank Stratt for pirating every piece of media ever made.
But it was during one of these binge watching sessions that Rocky piped up. “Why human have two names, question?” “What do you mean, Rocks?” Grace asked, confused. “Luke Skywalker have two names. Is Luke or is Skywalker, question?” Grace paused the movie, ready to explain human naming conventions. “Basically, on Earth, people get two names when they're born. Their first name is the one that most people will call them, and their last name is like their family name so they don't get confused with someone else.”
Rocky made an understanding hum, turning his light converter back to the screen. “What Grace first name, question?” “It's Ryland,” Grace responded, internally wincing at hearing his first name. “Why Grace not go by first name, question?” “Just never really liked it,” Grace said, going back to unpause the movie.
3.
It was another day on the Hail Mary when Grace was suddenly whisked away, thrown back into his classroom, before Stratt, before Rocky.
He had given his kids a review day that day because he knew some of them were a bit nervous for the upcoming test the next day. Most of them took the time to look over their notes or quiz each other over the topics on the test. But others felt more confident, so they used their time to catch up on assignments for other classes. Even though they felt good about their science grade, they took the time to make sure they were good in their other classes too, which Grace felt was a good use of time.
“Hey Mom? Could you-” He heard before a frustratingly embarrassed groan came from one of the kids. It was Abby, who often asked Grace for help with history as that had been one of his best subjects in school. But the failed question took him by surprise. He’d been called Dad by accident plenty of times back when he started teaching, but Mom? That one was new.
His cheeks flushed for no apparent reason at the name before slightly shaking himself out of it before going to Abby’s desk to help her with the assignment. She tried to apologize, saying she’d not slept that great and was kind of tired, but Grace brushed it off with a lame joke about needing a haircut, which made her laugh.
He thought about it for the rest of the day, and it made its way into a crevice in his head, waiting to be rediscovered.
He came back out from the memory slightly jostled like any other, but he went to a whiteboard and wrote it down under the always expanding “Who am I?” section, under “Might want to be a woman? Probably?”.
4.
It was one year into their journey to Erid before Grace realized something he could not fix. He was out of laundry. Sure, the stupid science T-shirts and Yao’s oversized sweaters had done the trick, but they were getting to the point where they needed to be washed. So, Grace cleaned everything he’d worn in the past couple weeks before hanging everything up to dry. The next problem? He had nothing to wear but pajamas. And Grace wasn’t exactly the guy that would wear pajamas all day.
So, the hunt for clothes was on. And the hunt led him back to wear it always led him: The dorms. Specifically, to Ilyukhina’s bag with all of her stuff in it. He looked through, trying to see what would fit, until something caught his eye.
One of her nicer dresses, black with flowers throughout. He remembered her wearing it to the launch party at one point, and he’d worn it too while he was still scrambled in the head during his first few days on Mary.
He picked it up, feeling it between his fingers. It was…soft. A lot so. But it was still a bit rough from the other fabric that he couldn't name. He put his arms down, letting the fabric pool on his knees from where he was sitting. Part of him wanted to reject it, to just wear one of the semi-dry shirts of his other comrade. But the other longed for it, reminding him that it was just clothes and it didn't matter since the only other person that he was with wouldn't see it.
This other part gave him a burst of impulse and energy as he pulled his sweater over his head and replaced it with the dress. Ilyukhina was decently shorter than him as far as he remembered, but it seemed to fit better than what he was wearing before. Getting up from his current position, his reflection caught in the metal drawers of the ship.
The dress looked…nice. Really nice. And coupled with his shaggy haircut and shave from yesterday, he looked more like Ilyukhina than Grace. And it felt better. Freeing, almost. He walked up to the metal, placing a hand on it as he stared at his reflection, studying it. Tracing the outline of his jaw, tangling his fingers in his hair, adjusting his glasses.
And that was when it hit. The memory of Abby, the drunken talk with Rocky, everything. This wasn't just a fluke or a fun psychology experiment, this was something that had been building for years that he just didn't know how to express with anyone. And that thought scared him. Scared him enough that a distinctly inhuman sound came from the depths of his throat as he fell to the floor, burying his face in his knees as he sobbed.
5.
He was still crying. He didn't even know that the human body could store this much water considering how much he cries normally. But in the haze of his tears and confusion, his mind went back to that sound. Like a higher pitched scream. He'd made it once before, after a particularly rough nightmare, but he simply brushed it off as a quirk he forgot about. Something that drifted away in the lesser memories he had yet to recover, but was lost like all the others.
He'd been both sobbing his eyes out and questioning everything he’d ever known about himself when he heard the tell-tale sound of Rocky’s xenonite ball tumbling into the room, chirps of concern soon following. “Grace! Grace make Eridian pain sound! Grace hurt, question?” The words fired off quickly as Rocky rolled over to where Grace was, trying to get a look at his face through his knees. “Rocky? When’d you get here?” He asked, words tumbling out through sobs. “Rocky hear Grace talk to nothing like normal, then hear sound of pain and leaking. More leaking than normal, statement.” Grace could barely see through the tears, but what he could see was Rocky tapping the ball against his side as he talked. “Grace hurt, question?” Rocky repeated. “I don’t know pal,” Grace answered, wiping tears on his fox cardigan.
Rocky watched for a minute before speaking again. “This related to celebration, question?” “What do you mean?” “Grace drink lots of stupid liquid then, but Grace say Grace would rather be female. This related to celebration, question?” “Kind of,” Grace said, leaning on the warm xenonite for comfort. “Do you remember our discussion of gender on Earth?” This question was unnecessary, as he knew Eridians had perfect memory. “Yes. Why, question?” Grace took a breath before continuing.
“Well, if someone on Earth was unhappy with how they looked or how other people saw them, then they could change their appearance or how they presented themselves, which is called transgender.” “We have that on Erid too. Uncommon, but not rare. What this mean, question?” “It means I’m not who I thought I was, pal.” Rocky thought for a moment, considering Grace’s words before asking something. “What gender Grace now, question?”
Grace didn’t respond, rather sat there for a minute, gripping the dress fabric with both hands, tears steadily dripping down his cheeks in the meantime. “Does Grace want to be female, question?” Grace let out a shuddering gasp before nodding. “I think I do,” she said, finally accepting the part of herself she’d been hiding for so long.
+1
It was another morning on Erid as Felicity woke up to get ready for the day. She had a class to teach, after all, so she’d better get a move on. She pulled on another dress she’d found with Ilyukhina’s things, this one being a soft yellow with tanktop like sleeves, before pulling on her fox cardigan and Converse before she heard a familiar knock at the door. “Be right there!” She called out as she finished brushing her hair. After the whole “Oh my god I’m actually a woman” thing, she realized she always felt guilty for cutting her hair after waking up. Sure, it was needed and she needed to get cleaned up, but a part of her always liked it longer.
After getting a particularly stubborn knot out, she nods in acceptance before heading out. Rocky is there waiting for her like normal, and they head towards Grace’s classroom as they talk about trivial things, like how Adrian is doing, the lesson plans Felicity had drawn up for the kids, stuff like that. And the conversation ended as they said their goodbyes and separated as Rocky went out to watch Adrian sleep and Felicity set up for another lesson.