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Balance.
The most integral aspect of life and death.
Black and white. Yin and Yang. Two sides of the same coin.
Where there is life, eventually, there will be death, waiting ever patiently.
It’s only natural.
Death isn’t ‘evil’, nor is it ‘kind’.
Death is a force of nature, that’s all there is to it.
In a sense, death is a necessary part of life.
By ending life, it inadvertently gave life meaning.
So much to do, so little time.
But, sometimes, death comes far too early.
Innocent lives – ended with meaningless wars.
Bright futures – ruined by accidents.
Once close friends – hands stained red by a soul turned green.
Infants whose cries hasn’t been heard – fated to end in their mother’s arms.
These poor souls, Kanade has seen it all.
Forced to walk the mortal realm to bear witness to misfortunes for eternity.
Countless accidents, countless murders, countless suicides.
She never got used to it.
Their images etched in her mind.
Her guilt grows with each passing moment.
To see those with the claws of death gripping tightly on their skin.
To see people live out their final days.
She reached her hand out.
Every.
Single.
Time.
The same recurring result:
Nothing.
Detached from the mortal realm, she could no longer interfere with the living.
Her cries, her songs all fell on deaf ears.
So close, yet so far…
The thwacking sound of a ruler hitting the table overpowers the students in the classroom.
“Quiet down now!” The teacher shouted.
She then pulls out a sheaf of papers and picked out the first one.
“Asahina Mafuyu, full marks yet again, I expected nothing less from you.”
A purple-haired girl walked towards the front. “Thank you, teacher.”
Endless gossiping and chattering fill the room.
“Wow, 100 again?”
“Doesn’t she ever get tired of it?”
“Must be nice to be so smart and so beautiful.”
“Her parents must be so proud.”
Looks of admiration followed everywhere the purple ponytail goes.
Schoolmates sang her praises, turned her into an object of admiration.
A peerless beauty, a once-in-a-millennia genius.
Students and teachers alike always see her as a reliable figure.
As such, requests and favors always seem to surround her.
“Asahina-san! Can you help me with this question?”
“Asahina-senpai, I need some pointers with my posture, can you drop by the archery clubroom later?”
“Asahina-san, be sure to attend the committee meeting later, ok?
Mafuyu never once outright deny anyone; she only responded with a perfect smile and a gentle attitude.
Quite a busybody, Mafuyu is.
She didn’t mind it though, as long as everybody is happy then Mafuyu is happy too.
She supposed to be happy, at least.
She should be,
She doesn’t know.
Mafuyu couldn’t quite understand it.
Why did everyone look up to her so much?
She wasn’t doing anything special, after all.
Her mother told her that this is the bare minimum to become a doctor.
That was Mafuyu lifelong dream, wasn’t it?
She doesn’t know anymore.
She forgot a long time ago.
At some point the praises became dull and empty,
Their expectations, their gaze became a weight chained to her arms.
Why did she wanted to become a doctor again?
She wanted to help cure people, she assumed.
No.
“A..na…”
That wasn’t it.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t think of a reason.
“Asa..na-sa,…”
Did she want it in the first place?-
“Asahina-san!”
Mafuyu gets yanked out from her thoughts by the teacher calling her name.
“Ah! What is the problem, Sensei?” She answered.
“As I said, your work today is done, you can go home now,” said the teacher. “Sorry to keep you around this long.”
“It’s no problem.” Mafuyu smiled. “I’ll be on my way then, see you tomorrow.”
The school grounds after classes were rowdy.
Kids rushing back to sink into the kotatsu, escaping from the cold winter winds.
Others went to spend their evening hanging around at the mall.
Emerging from the crowd was Mafuyu, who went on her usual route to cram school.
The same trees, the same road, the same building as always, only difference is a layer of snow piling up since last week.
A simple routine of a hard-working girl, no time for meaningless distractions, as mother said.
A perfect, efficient route from countless months of repetition, as if she coded herself to follow the exact same path.
Today was just like any other day, up until the little meowing in the alleyway pulled Mafuyu away from her flashcards.
Deep in the alleyway, a flimsy cardboard box stuck out in the corner.
Inside, a small, abandoned kitty sat on top of towels bedding at the bottom,
It had a pretty, pastel pink fur coat that still carry the scent of soap.
Its voice was weak and sickly, mostly likely the owner couldn’t cover its treatment costs.
The weather forecast said that the snowfall would increase after the sun sets.
If left out in the heavy snow, the kitty probably wouldn’t survive on its own.
“How cruel.” Mafuyu thought to herself.
Mafuyu searched up the nearest vet’s location.
- Ichigaya Animal Hospital - 1 hour away – 4.9 stars (6 reviews)
- Denenchofu Animal Clinic – 1.5 hours away – 5.0 stars (2 reviews)
- Umejima Animal Hospital – 1.5 hours away – 0 reviews
They’re all too far, Mafuyu would miss her class if she went.
But she couldn’t bear to leave the cat alone.
Her empty violet eyes stared at the petite feline.
“Meow?” The kitty tilted its head.
“You’re quite an unlucky one, aren’t you?”
Mafuyu rubs the sick kitty’s head.
It responded by leaning into her hand and purrs.
This little hairball’s fate is now in Mafuyu’s hands.
She had no choice.
…
After 2 hours, the little cat was dropped off safely at an animal hospital.
It’s way past the time her class started.
Mafuyu wanders aimlessly back home.
It’s the first time she ever broke her schedule.
She found herself in front of a park.
The snow lay thick on the grass bed.
Something about the white snow compelled Mafuyu to walk in, to lie down against the puffy clouds on the ground.
Was it more important than her class?
Was it more important than being a good girl for mother?
Mafuyu shivers, half because of the cold, half because of the thought of the disappointed looks people might give her.
They’ll understand.
Surely.
Mafuyu lets out a sigh.
She can feel that she’s encroaching her limit.
This empty feeling inside her is about to overflow.
Soon, she will be nothing but a shell.
She got up and started rolling up some snow.
Shortly after, a little snowman was born, with tree branches nearby as arms and pebbles forming its eyes and its smile.
Mafuyu gave it her muffler and immediately let out a sneeze.
Despite the bitter cold, Mafuyu can feel her body heat rising, almost as if she was in a boiling vat.
Her skin feels like burning, her individual cells scream to get away from the heat.
Instinctively, she threw her jacket onto the snow, leaving only behind a thin shirt.
Out of nowhere, she hugged her own creation, digging her nails into it as if it was about to run away.
It was oddly warm, warmer than anything she felt since her childhood.
Perhaps it was her own delusion from losing too much heat, but it didn’t matter, to her at least.
Mafuyu starts to sob.
She felt lonely.
Despite being surrounded by countless friends at school and a loving family, an indescribable loneliness fogs her mind.
How can anyone understand her when the person they are talking to isn’t even real?
How can you love a mere puppet, devoid of anything inside her heart?
Mafuyu muffled sniffling made Kanade’s heart clench.
She knew naught of the thoughts running inside Mafuyu's mind, and yet she could feel her sadness seeping into the snow.
She embraced the purple mess on the snow, knowing that it would have no effect like always.
Suddenly, Mafuyu turned around.
Kanade was taken aback.
Mafuyu stared directly into her eyes.
It couldn’t be.
No human should be able to feel her presence, let alone see her.
For Mafuyu, no one was there, only the snow-filled park and herself, sitting alone in said snow.
But that feeling…
It felt… human.
She can feel her body heat rising, but this time, it’s warm.
It was akin to the feeling of her mother’s embrace from her childhood.
Her hypothermic body by some miracle returned to normal.
Almost as if she hadn’t gone into the snow with a single T-shirt.
Mafuyu phone suddenly rang, distracting her from all the questions popping up in her mind.
She hurriedly grabbed her jacket and bag.
It was her mom.
“Mafuyu, where on earth are you!?”
“Mother, I-“
“Come home immediately. We will have a serious talk about this.”
Click
Mafuyu heart sank.
She has never heard such disappointment in her mother’s voice.
Kanade watched Mafuyu rushed home with fear dripping out from her sleeves.
Her face wore a pale white, as if drained of every drop of blood.
The streams people fades into a blur as the purple-haired girl darted through.
Mafuyu can feel her legs screaming out, begging for her to rest, but to no avail.
The only thing on Mafuyu’s mind is her mother’s command.
Shortly after, the familiar house appeared in front of her.
She took a short while to gather her cool, putting back on her facade.
Her demeanor was perfect but her heartbeats betrayed her.
She sighed.
The door to the Asahina household opens.
“I’m home,” said Mafuyu.
Mother’s intimidating figure stood right in front of the doorway, awaiting her return.
“Mafuyu.”
Cold.
Much colder than the snow outside.
Cold enough to freeze hell over.
Guilt weighed heavy on Mafuyu’s shoulders as her mother’s words cut deep into her ears.
Mafuyu would collapse onto the floor if she could, but that would disappointed mother even further.
“Where have you been?” She continued.
Mafuyu tries to gather her breath from the thick air.
“I- I brought an abandoned kitty to a vet,” she said shakily. “I’m sorr-“
“Are you saying all I’ve done for you is less important than a dumb stray cat?!” Her mother snapped.
Mafuyu’s face went pale. “No! That’s not what I-“
“You dare talk back to me?” Mafuyu’s mother raised her hand, preparing to punish the disobedient girl.
Mafuyu closed her eyes shut.
Her ever so perfect posture turned into a little animal cowering in fear.
“Calm down, dear.” Mafuyu’s dad interrupted, grabbing his wife’s wrist.
“It’s good that our Mafuyu is so kind, isn’t it? Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to miss a class every now and then, right?”
The room fell silent.
Mafuyu, with her eyes shut tight, felt her heart beating wildly.
Each passing moment felt like eternity.
“I suppose you’re right.” The woman sighed as she puts her hand on Mafuyu’s shoulder.
Her gentle touch traced from the daughter’s collarbone, slowly climbing her neck before settling on her cheek.
She rubbed her thumb against Mafuyu’s delicate skin, chasing away any lingering bitterness.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice, Mafuyu. You’re a good daughter and a kind person, I know that. Still, try to discuss something like this your mother, okay? I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”
Her gaze carried the love and care of a mother for her own child, yet it feels so suffocating, like an anchor dragging Mafuyu towards the depths of her despair.
Mafuyu nods shakily.
“Good. Now go take a nice warm bath, it must have been freezing outside.”
The bathroom sliding door shuts.
Piece by piece, clothing fell onto the ground.
Mafuyu stripped herself bare in front of the mirror.
This beauty, this “perfect” good girl – exactly how her mother wanted her to be.
It has now failed its mother’s expectations for the first time.
How repulsive.
What use is there left in her?
She is no longer the “perfect girl” she struggled so hard to be.
Then…
Who is it that is in the mirror now?
This amalgamation of a reflection.
It wasn’t “Mafuyu”, that’s for sure,
A body that would attract envy from many and yet, every second her eyes lay on it is a moment where thoughts of ripping her flesh off flood her mind.
She couldn’t wear this costume anymore.
She has to take it off.
Before it consumed her whole.
Disgusting.
Why? Am I just a puppet?
Set me free. Why? I don’t know.
Who am I? Who are you? An imposter? I don’t know anymore Why? What are you?
Why? Free me. Please end it. Begone, Disappear. Why? Let me be free. Give back my body.
I want to die. Be the perfect daughter.
Splash.
The bathtub overflows as Mafuyu submerged herself to drown out the constant noise inside her head.
Five seconds goes by, the endless nagging continues alongside the sloshing of water in her ears.
Thirty seconds in, an uncomfortable feeling builds up inside her chest cavity as the thoughts fog her mind.
A minute passes, Mafuyu can feel her mind slipping away, the voices start to mesh into a blur.
For a moment, everything was peaceful and quiet, as if she was drifting alone in space.
Suspending, floating in her own world.
Can this last forever?
Two minutes in, a burning sensation swells up in Mafuyu’s lungs, her chest wants to burst apart into a million pieces.
Her limbs shake and lose their strength, maybe it’s time to get out.
A pair of hands grips tightly against her throat, pushing Mafuyu further down.
Above the water stood another Mafuyu, desperate to strangle her despite the distraught look she bore on her face.
Why?
Why did she carry that look on her face?
Wasn’t this what we wanted?
Mafuyu lets go of her breath, the bubbles rise to the surface and water floods in to fill its place inside her lungs.
This is it.
Her suffering ends here.
An ending to her story.
Snow white finally bites on the poisoned apple.
Mafuyu’s consciousness fades away.
Her monochrome life flashes before her eyes.
All her achievements, all her efforts.
Slipping away and disappears, like bubbles escaping her mouth.
The claws on death appeared on her neck, slowly pulling her away from the land of living.
Kanade heart sank.
Mafuyu will die in front of her.
Another soul would be lost, yet again.
Kanade desperately tries to pull Mafuyu out of the bathtub only for her to phase right through Mafuyu’s body.
She stumbles into the tub, bumping her hand onto death’s hands.
Of course!
Why hasn’t she thought of this before?
If she can’t interfere with the living, then why not try to stop death itself?
Kanade wastes no time and dive straight into prying death’s hands away from Mafuyu.
Finger after finger, the grip loosens as Kanade’s life force drains away.
Mafuyu twitches.
Her whole body convulses, forcing Mafuyu to rise above the water.
Desperate gasps for air interwoven with coughs pushing water from her lungs.
The other Mafuyu was nowhere to be seen.
She couldn’t even kill herself properly.
Coward.
Seeing Mafuyu breathing on the ground, Kanade let out a sigh of relief.
Before she could stand up, Kanade’s heart tightens.
A punishment, perhaps.
Her limbs lose their strength as they slowly turn clearer.
She knew that the price for disrupting the balance of nature would be great, but she was willing to pay any price as long as she could save one person.
Just one.
That’s all she hopes to ask for.
“Mafuyu? Are you alright?” A voice came from outside the bathroom.
“I’m *cough* alright. I just *cough cough* fell asleep, that’s all.”
Mafuyu struggles to get her words out as her consciousness crawls back to her.
“That’s unlike you,” said her mother. “Don’t stay in there too long or you’ll catch a cold. If you’re feeling tired then go to bed early today, alright?”
“Yes, mother.” Mafuyu says shakingly, still trying to catch her breath.
Her gaze once again directed towards the mirror.
It was just a malfunction.
She tried to run away.
A mistake, it truly was.
What use is a puppet with free will?
She must return.
Back to being an obedient girl.
Back in her shell.
She clawed and twist the muscles within her face.
Her fingers dug deep into her cheeks, pulling her mouth towards her ears.
Morphing that creature back into the peerless, impeccable girl she was always meant to be.
She wore that sterile smile into the living room where her mother was sitting at the couch, awaiting her.
“Mafuyu, I just remembered.” The woman spoke.
“Your music equipment, that synthesizer, wasn’t it? I threw it away today.”
A deafening silence.
Mafuyu had to triple check if what she heard was real.
“… What?”
Her meticulously crafted smile fell flat on the floor.
Her eyebrows furrowed, unable to accept reality.
“I understand you wanting to do music, but your final exams are coming up real soon. I thought that an environment where you can focus on your studies would be better for you.”
The sentence echoed inside Mafuyu’s head.
Her only escape, her only route she had left, stripped away from her without knowing
The ground she held so dearly has crumbled in a blind spot.
“It’s okay, I understand.” Mafuyu said meekly.
“I knew that you would,” smiled the mother.
Her insides twist and churn.
Horrible thoughts raced across her mind about mother.
The woman who carries nothing but love and care for her.
“I’ll head to bed then, please excuse me mother,” said Mafuyu.
She retreated to her room, shutting the door behind her.
Mafuyu tears couldn’t stop themselves.
An insurmountable sense of guilt fills her chest cavity, stealing away her voice and breath.
If this is what mother wanted, what is supposed to be “best” for her, then why does she feel so crushed inside?
If this is “love” then why does it taste like poison?
It feels like the cogs that were running so well inside her suddenly became faulty.
Has she finally reached her limit?
“I can’t take it anymore.”
The words escape from Mafuyu’s mouth.
Her trembling hands claw at her throat, trying to keep her deepest feelings inside.
“What should I do?”
The words fell onto the ground as beads of red emerge in the wake of her nails digging deeper.
Her warm blood came into contact with the cold, hard linoleum floor
Her proof of being human slowly dripped out from her, leaving only oil to keep the gears spinning.
“I want to disappear.”
She stopped moving.
Curled up.
A messed-up blob, sitting squarely on the ground.
Kanade embraced the disheveled purple ball on the ground.
She pressed her cheek onto the freshly washed hair of Mafuyu.
Her jasmine-scented shampoo mixed with the metallic tang of blood, but Kanade didn’t care.
She hummed a lullaby, one her mother used to sing to her.
Slowly, the muffled sobs turned into shallow breathes as Mafuyu gave into her exhaustion.
Reality bleed into dreams.
A life where she’s surrounded by friends who held her dear.
A future where she’s uncertain about where she’ll end up, but deep inside she knew, this is where she belonged.
Hours melt to minutes; stars drift across the night sky as Mafuyu indulges in the sweetness of hope.
A quick moment of peace for the two.
Rays of sunlight peek through the blinds, shining onto the wavering grass inside the empty fish tank.
The alarm clock rings loudly, eliciting a groan out of Mafuyu who still sat on the ground.
Her back ached as she stood up and went to wash up.
In the mirror stood a jumbled robot, streaks of red staining its T-shirt.
The red marks on her neck gave a stinging sensation against the fabric of her uniform.
For first time ever, she didn’t care how she looked to others.
She shed away all her worries for her mother, for everybody’s expectation of her.
She saw a glimpse of what could be and she’s going to get it.
As her legs dragged her along subconsciously,
Like clockwork, she arrived at school.
The halls filled with mumbling everywhere she passed.
Everybody closely watched as the girl marched on as if nothing is wrong.
No one dared to breathe a single sound.
The air was thick, akin to a jelly-like consistency.
The ever-perfect Asahina-san took on a new definition of breath-taking today it seems like.
“Asahina-san, are you… alright?”
Finally, someone broke the uncomfortable silence.
His hand reached out towards Mafuyu, trying to catch her attention.
The purple-haired girl swung her arm hitting the worried boy’s face, knocking him onto the ground.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” She screamed.
The hall fell silent.
Their gaze filled with fear directed towards Mafuyu as if she was some sort of wild animal.
“Fuck you all looking at?” She growled.
Perhaps she did resemble one.
She huffs and puffs and eventually crumble.
Unable to withstand their scrutiny, she ran for her life, to wherever her legs took her.
She made her way through the halls, attracting all kinds of attention to herself.
Eventually, her tired calves stopped at the rooftop.
She locked the door behind her, leaving the teacher banging and calling her name.
She blocked the noise out of her head, drifting alone in her lonely realm.
Now there’s only her and her alone.
Kanade stared intently at the deranged girl as she walked towards the edge.
Mafuyu didn’t notice the sky was so clear today.
Bright and sunny with a little chilly breeze every now and then.
She then turned her face downwards, shifting her attention to the snow-covered ground.
“Quite the distance.” She thought to herself.
Mafuyu took off her shoes and set it neatly behind her.
The lonely girl stood atop of the world, the spotlight of it all.
Only one girl bore witness to her story.
All of her suffering, all of her woes.
Kanade panicked.
She felt helpless.
She knew everything yet nothing at the same time.
The poor girl’s loneliness and guilt, Kanade understood it all.
Yet nothing that she can do to relieve it.
She grabbed Mafuyu’s hand
It phased right through.
She tried embracing Mafuyu.
The same result.
Desperate, she sang.
The purple-haired girl turned around.
“You’re here again.” The ever-monotone voice spoke.
For the first time, Mafuyu laid her eyes onto Kanade.
A being of pure white.
Her long, silky hair akin to streaks of clouds flowing freely,
Adorned on her a modest one-piece, highlighting her slim figure.
“Thank you.”
Mafuyu held her hand on her chest.
“You were with me all this time, weren’t you?
Thanks to you, I felt a sensation that I have never felt before. It was warm, like how my mother’s embrace used to feel.
I’ve tried searching, endlessly, for myself, for any emotion left inside me.
For a short while, music helped fill in this gap inside me, but I knew one day I would be deprived of that feeling one way or another.
I’ll carry that warmth with me, no matter where I’ll end up.”
Mafuyu looked towards the horizon, her eyes gleamed with hope.
“Maybe I’ll become a bird in my next life, to feel the wind against my body, to see the world with my own eyes, to be free of who I am and who I’m supposed to be.”
Kanade complexion paled.
She knew that nothing would change Mafuyu’s mind now, and it was all her fault.
It was her fault that she got so nosy, that she got so arrogant.
To dare mess with the balance of life and death.
Mafuyu noticed the little reaper’s grim expression.
She extended her hand out, “Would you mind if we dance?”
Kanade hesitated for a moment, confused at the random gesture from Mafuyu.
But something in her felt compelled to take the purple-haired girl’s hand, perhaps it was a foolish hope on saving Mafuyu.
The two girls danced to the sound of their heartbeat resonating.
On this rooftop, in this corner of the world, two girls held each other tightly as they did the one-two.
Their steps were clumsy, but they were genuine.
They both each hummed a familiar song.
None of them knew where they heard the song from.
All that matters is this smoldering fire in between their bodies.
A flash and sway and spin and spin.
They twist and turn until nothing is left in this world but the dizziness inside their heads.
A hop. A step.
The passionate dance continued as they went into freefall.
The air flowed against the girls’ hair.
Gravity tugged strongly on their bodies.
“Say, would you mind if we made music together in the next life?” Kanade asked meekly.
Mafuyu hummed. “I guess that wouldn’t be so bad.”
They held onto each other tightly.
Their heat, their warmth, blended into each other.
It’s quite a long way down.
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Their moment together was fleeting yet their fates intertwined.
A tragic ending.
A model daughter stripped of everything “human”.
A being stuck in limbo, forced to roam the earth to witness the suffering of others.
All that’s left is a crimson puddle and the clear blue sky within.
Where death comes, life fills in its place.
A pair of daisies rise from the earth,
A soul always searching, another always chasing.
May they rest well, and may they find peace together.