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After the fact, Riley is ashamed she didn’t see what was going on. She considers herself a smart girl, perceptive even. You don’t go to law school without knowing how to read situations, evidence, and people, and Riley suspects from a hard childhood of avoiding taunts of “Fat pants” that she is good at these things.
She knew all along that Ben would never seriously turn around and see her as the one, but that kernel of hope that lives in every young woman refused to be squashed. The truth is she courted the heartbreak. She invited the heartbreak in because it was a familiar feeling. The upheaval of finishing her undergraduate career, saying good bye to so many good friends cultivated by the new Riley—friends who never knew the Rigantor—throwing herself into New York on her own, well, the familiarity of the Wheeler family was a balm.
She’s used to her new life in New York City now. She half lives in the Wheeler boys’ apartment. She lets Ben take advantage of her for babysitting, girl advice, taking his side, she allows it. She falls back into the high school mentality of unrequited love and it blinds her.
At Katie’s wedding, Riley tells herself if she makes the wedding perfect, that karma will somehow smile upon her and throw a wedding her way in the near future. So she becomes “maid-zilla” and she strikes fear into the hearts of men. As per usual around the Wheelers, one of them (this time more than one) manages to ruin her plans, but the outcome still somehow turns out better than she could have hoped.
Her best friend in the entire world looks into her eyes and tells her that she’ll find love, she’ll find the man meant to be with her even if it’s not his knucklehead brother, and then like some sort of prophecy, she finds herself dancing in the arms of the boy she grew up adoring and he’s looking at her like he’s finally seeing her after all this time.
She rides the high for days, re-playing their dance over and over again and just when those undulating hopes he’s played with for years come to a peak—he lets her down.
And she meets Fitch. She thinks that might be the best gift Ben could have given her. Fitch is great. He’s dependable, hard-working, intelligent, and he genuinely cares about making the world a better place. Riley marks his handsome face into the “pro” column as well.
The thing about Fitch is that he’s comfortable in a high scale restaurant, or a relaxing night cooking dinner at either of their apartments. He can hold his own in the crazy dynamic of the Wheeler (and Tucker!) apartment, and he makes her want to be a better woman. Isn’t that supposed to be a sign?
Things swim along fine until one comment. She and Fitch are eating dinner together at her apartment and catching up on their lives since his return to America after digging wells in Africa. She’s in the middle of telling him about her volunteer work at the hospital with Tucker and how south things went when Danny came in with a concussion and no pulse when he interrupts her.
“Oh, is that why Danny’s mom was asking him if he’s okay?”
She squints at him, doesn’t get his meaning but doesn’t want to ask him to repeat himself. “When did you,” she clears her throat. “Uh, when did you hear that?”
“After I surprised you at the Wheeler’s place, and you had to go to that convention, I went down to get a drink and check in with Ben. Danny and Bonnie were sitting on the couches and, I dunno, Danny just looked really sad and out of it, you know? Like his world got rocked.” He takes a careful bite of his pasta before he continues. “Was that right before I got back?”
She’s not sure what to say. Danny’s break up with old what’s her name didn’t strike her as particularly bad, on his side at least. She’s not sure what would have prompted him to be so down. Something seems off about the whole issue, but she doesn’t want to bring it up to Fitch. It’s not really his business what goes on with Danny and part of her feels uncomfortable that he’s even asking. Danny’s emotions aren’t his concern.
“Um, yeah.” She lies easily, trying hard not to think of the time Danny told her in high school that he always knew when she was lying about big things—she had a tell and no manner of bullying would get him to give it up. “Yeah, he must have still been loopy on the pain pills. I think he thinks I like saved his life or something.” She rolls her eyes. She knows now he was perfectly fine.
Fitch sips his wine thoughtfully before opening his mouth again. “Maybe that’s why he watches you, then. I’ve kind of wondered.”
Her fork falls to her empty plate with a shrill clatter. “What?”
Fitch looks at her life she’s the crazy one. “Yeah, he just keeps on eye on you. It’s pretty harmless or I would be worried. I mean, it’s Danny. Danny’s like the nicest guy in the world.”
She hears her mouth respond, “Nicest guy ever, yeah,” but her mind is trying to wrap itself around the idea that her best friend Danny watches over her. Like to protect her? She tries to decide if she should be angry about it—she’s a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself—but in the end she knows Danny and she knows he wouldn’t patronize her that way.
Danny is, and has always been, her strongest supporter. He taught her how to hold a hockey stick (field hockey and ice hockey), he taught her the rules to all the major sports, he called her during every finals week outside of his usual weekly call just to make sure she was still sane. Danny is her voice of support even if he thinks she’s wrong. She knows he’s behind her.
She knows he would gladly fight for her, but she also knows that he knows she would rather he not. And he respects that. He was one of the few in high school who didn’t call her “fat pants” or demean her for being a strong woman. He admired her strength. He knew if it came down to it, she could protect herself and he would respect her enough to allow her the chance to do it before he stepped in.
The idea of him watching her… no, it isn’t a protector thing. He wants her safe, she knows that, but she knows Danny and she knows that isn’t why he’s doing this. Not that she’s going to share that with Fitch, though.
“I, um, I didn’t notice he did that.” She squeaks out when a full minute of awkward silence passes.
“He’s super subtle about it, but his eyes follow you.” And with that he ends the conversation by turning it back to thirsty orphans in Africa, and Riley somehow carries on the conversation until it’s time for her to go but she has no idea how she does it.
After that, it’s easy to spot it. He really is subtle, like Fitch said, but well-timed looks into hidden mirrors around his apartment prove her boyfriend correct. A week goes by and Riley’s sure that when she’s in his apartment, Danny knows every movement she makes.
It should make her uncomfortable, and at first it sort of does. She doesn’t invite his eye onto her, but she does put herself in his space. He doesn’t look at her erotically. He doesn’t even look at her like an object. He just casually glances at her turned head like he can’t help it, like he’s been doing it for years and can’t break the habit, like he just needs to know where she is so he can orient himself around her.
Another week later and she catches onto something else. Almost every time she moves at all, he does too. Something as small as a hand gesture, his left hand will twitch. If she moves to the other side of the room, he takes an involuntary step that direction. He’s so in sync with her that it terrifies her. She checks his movements when Tucker flails about—nothing. She observes him with his mother and it isn’t the same. He only does it with her. She avoids him for three days after that epiphany.
When it occurs to her that she’s just as in sync with him, she avoids him for six.
The week after that, Fitch goes back to Africa to dig more wells and they both say goodbye at the airport and make perfunctory promises to chat online just as often as they did before, but she knows they’re kidding themselves, the relationship has fizzled out and he’s not coming back for a romantic gesture again.
She’s babysitting Emma while the boys and Bonnie are out working or dating or something when the thought comes to her that she hasn’t been to one of Danny’s games in months. What kind of friend is she? Just because she’s not sure what’s going on between them anymore doesn’t mean she should ignore such a large part of him.
He used to tell her all about his games in their weekly phone calls during her college years. She watched a few games on TV, and even managed to travel to one when the Leafs played the Bruins in Boston. He lives and breathes hockey and Riley hates how easily overlooked his talents are in his circle of friends because while he did great with the fame thing and didn’t surround himself with “yes” people, he also didn’t surround himself with people who actively recognize on a daily basis how difficult it is to play professional hockey.
She resolves to go see his next game. Emma needs to see her Uncle Danny in his element, after all. He’s a swan on ice. Like how a swan looks so peaceful and graceful on a lake, but underneath the water line their feet are churning constantly. He expends so much energy, but does it so effortlessly. Until he slams someone’s face into the wall.
Emma finds the ice stadium fascinating to her baby senses when they go three days later. People tell Riley what an adorable baby she has and having learned the lesson that it’s easier not to correct them, she says thank you and means it.
For all that Emma is Ben’s baby—his ears and chin—she has Danny’s eyes. He is so amazing with her. She smiles fondly thinking back to the day she and Emma both arrived back in the Wheeler boys’ life. Danny went from strictly uncomfortable with a baby to completely smitten in an hour. By the time she left, he looked like he’d been handling a baby his entire life. The sight of him holding his niece and planting raspberries on her stomach made her heart burn and her stomach ache. He’s totally a natural with babies and one day he would have children of his own and she will watch him raise them with more love than most people see in their entire lives.
He and his wife—probably a supermodel and epically gorgeous, possibly foreign—will have beautiful children just like them and those kids will play with their cousin and give a thought every once and awhile to their Aunt Riley.
The sound of the end of the second period draws her out of her thoughts, and Riley is surprised to feel tears on her cheeks. She wipes them off as secretly as she can. She doesn’t even know why she was crying. There’s nothing in the world that she wants more than Danny to be happy, to have a loving family. He deserves that more than anyone.
The third period starts, and she struggles a fussy Emma into a new diaper in the women’s room and forces herself to concentrate on the game, not realizing how she follows his broad frame without having to look at his number or name on his jersey to be sure which Ranger is her Danny.
He scores the winning goal and she turns to all the people celebrating around her just to tell these random strangers that she knows him and that she’s proud of him.
In the locker room after the game he greets her with a goofy grin and a happy, “My girls are here!” and something unnamed flutters in her stomach.
They decide to go for post-victory milkshakes after they drop a tired Emma off with her daddy. For the first time in months, Riley enjoys herself in the moment. She’s not thinking about twelve other things when she’s with him. Her mind is fully engaged on him, and it isn’t until the next day that she realizes she didn’t once wish Ben talks to her like Danny does.
Her birthday is coming up in the next week, and as all women past the age of twenty-two, she isn’t looking forward to it. But she also isn’t dreading it.
She knows Ben is trying to make it up to her that she’s had to baby sit so often by throwing her a party, so she casually drops hints to Tucker and Bonnie about what she wants so that she’ll have a party she can actually enjoy.
When the Monte Carlo theme includes a table for blackjack and another for Texas Hold ‘Em, she compliments Bonnie on knowing her favorite gambling games. Bonnie looks at her strangely for a second and tells her that was Danny’s idea and she had no idea Riley even gambled. Bonnie walks off to talk to a short, single man in the corner, and Riley just watches her go. Of course. That has Danny written all over it.
She meets his eyes across the room and smiles at him, she holds nothing back. She shows him her joy and her appreciation. No one deserves a friend like Danny Wheeler and here she is, his best friend.
Hours later, most of the guests are gone and Riley finds herself once again with a Wheeler boy on the roof.
“Come on, birthday girl has to dance at midnight!” He looks so eager, those big baby blues burning at her. “It’s tradition.”
“I don’t think that’s actually a tradition.” She giggles as he reaches out a hand to her.
“Well from now on it is, okay?” He gathers her up into his arms, and she isn’t even trying to fight the grin taking over her face. “Birthday dances are totally a thing.”
His breath tickles her ear and it shoots straight to her stomach and…Oh.
It all clicks into place. The roving eyes, the heated glances, the jealousy at a life he hasn’t even lived yet.
She wants him. She wants him for keeps. She wants him in her bed. She wants him to do laundry with her. She wants him inside her.
And suddenly she can’t breathe.
He senses the change and pulls back. “Something wrong?”
She shakes her head, trying to clear it.
“Riles?”
She smiles a fake smile at him, and she knows he’ll know it’s fake. But she also knows he’ll let it slide anyway.
“I’m fine. Sorry. Can we keep dancing?”
He pulls her even closer, so that her head rests on his chest, unable to even reach his broadly muscled shoulders and she sinks into him, desperate to come to terms with this new information but this proximity isn’t helping and leaning against his beautiful body isn’t helping and feeling his lips on her hair isn’t helping and she’s about to climb him like she used to climb up to their tree house.
She needs to leave. Now.
She runs off the roof. She’s not proud, but sacrifices have to be made in light of recent developments. He calls after her, but she ignores him. She returns to the party long enough to grab her keys and purse and she’s out the door and in a taxi three minutes later.
Fifteen minutes after that she’s in her bathtub with suds all around her and three candles lit in a sad attempt to feel more adult and less like a pathetic high schooler with another unrequited crush.
Another ten minutes after that the banging on her door begins.
“Riley!” Danny shouts through the door. “Riles, are you okay? Why aren’t you answering your phone?” He gives her a few seconds to respond and when she doesn’t he keeps going. “Are you okay at least? Can you just let me know you’re okay? I don’t know what I did but I need to know you’re okay before I leave you.” He gets quiet then, still knocking familiar patterns onto her door and when he next speaks, it’s so quiet that she barely makes it out. “Don’t shut me out, Riles. God, anyone but you, okay? Please.”
He sounds truly desperate by the end and Riley’s conscience kicks in. It’s not his fault that she can’t handle her attraction to her own best friend. It’s not his fault that there’s something wrong with her. There’s nothing wrong with him and he doesn’t deserve this treatment. She jumps out of the bath without bothering to drain the tub, throws a silk bathrobe on and gathers her courage.
He’s still knocking when she swings the door open.
“Riley!”
“Hey.” She says meekly. “Sorry, I was in the bath.”
He goes a bit red. “Yeah, I can see that.”
She looks down at her bathrobe to see that the water from her bath stuck to her skin and rendered the garment completely transparent. She pulls it even closer to her body and awkwardly holds her arms in front of her chest.
They both ignore it and his eyes don’t stray from her face again. “So what happened?”
“Danny,” she whines, “can we just not talk about it. I’m fine, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” He says, acquiescence all over his easily read face.
But then something changes and his brow furrows, a hint of determination takes up the jut of his chin and he shakes his head furiously. “You know what? No. We’re talking about this. Can I come in?”
He waits for her stunned nod, moves passed her and shuts the door behind him. “Everything was fine, Riley, and then you just up and ran off. That is so not like you. And I know for once that it wasn’t anything else in your life, because everything has been perfect. It has something to do with me, and I deserve to know what I did to make you, I dunno, uncomfortable or angry or something.” He finishes a bit weaker than he began, but he refuses to break eye contact and she can see he’s serious about this.
Riley has a mild panic attack and thinks furiously. Should she tell him? She thinks back on how all this began: Fitch telling her that Danny watches her.
She thinks now that he’s always watched her. Since high school. He’s always made time for her, invited her into his life, been her shoulder to cry on, and a pair of clapping hands when she’s accomplished another goal.
Yeah, they can weather this. Their friendship is strong enough to endure her feelings, and Danny’s not ever going to abandon her. He had the option to do that many moons ago, but hasn’t taken it yet. She’s pretty sure he’s stuck with her at this point.
She’s already waited too long to answer, and he’s trying so hard to be resolute. So she takes a cautious step forward, into his personal space. He doesn’t look uncomfortable, in fact, he looks like he’s still waiting for an answer, like it’s perfectly natural for her to be this close, like she belong this close to him.
Her hand snakes its way up his sculpted chest to land on his jaw and she cups it tenderly. His stubble prickles her palm, but he finally looks like he’s starting to get it.
When her lips are centimeters from his, she finally speaks. “I freaked out because I realized that I want you. And I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but I’m going to kiss you now.”
She gives him half a second to push her away, and then meets his lips with hers. She doesn’t push. She lets him acclimate to her mouth for a cadence of heartbeats before she takes it farther. She opens her mouth, tempting him to play with her and when he hesitates, she dives in first.
He responds immediately to her every move, but he doesn’t initiate anything. It frustrates her. She puts her other hand in his hair and one of his hands moves to her hip. She bites his lower lip, and he plunges forward. He’s not giving her what she wants, what she needs. He’s holding back and she knows it. He’s letting her have this kiss, but no more.
He doesn’t want her.
She keeps kissing him, knowing that the moment they come up for air, she’s going to get the “I love you like a friend” speech and she’s putting it off as long as she can. This half assed kiss is better than never knowing what she’s missing.
She feels tears running down her cheeks and into their open mouths and he pulls back. Tentative fingers rise to her cheek bones, and he delicately brushes away the remnant of wetness.
She closes her eyes, unable to watch his face. She doesn’t want to see her embarrassment reflected in his eyes. “It’s okay, Danny, you don’t have to give me the talk. Just go.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to hear it, please just go.”
“What are you—“ Her eyes fly open.
“GET OUT!” She screams before the desire to reaches her brain. Her hands push against his huge chest and he doesn’t budge an inch. “Get out, get out, get out.”
“Hey, wait a minute.”
“I don’t need your pity, Wheeler. I’ll be fine. Just give me a few days to get myself together and I’ll get over. You won’t ever feel uncomfortable because of these feelings,” she says the word and it rolls off her tongue like a curse word, “I have for you.”
His reaction doesn’t match her prediction. Instead of compassion she just sees confusion. Great, she thinks to herself, this is not the time for her to have to explain what was going on to him. Slowly his face transforms, it’s like watching a plant grow in a sped up process—the seed of an idea, to a sprout, to full maturation, to flowers. His confusion grows into pure joy. And it angers her because she doesn’t know why.
“You have feelings for me?” He asks her carefully, tentative fear in his voice even as there’s no room for it on his face.
She rolls her eyes. She can’t help it. Trust a Wheeler boy to prolong the agony of a full out rejection. “Yeah, okay? Can we drop this now? I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, I know you don’t feel the same.”
“How can you think I don’t feel the same?”
“You didn’t kiss me back. It’s rather obvious. Please, please for the love of God, let’s leave it alone now, alright?”
“But I did kiss you back! You were there, I totally kissed back.”
“I don’t want your pity kiss, Danny!” She was truly enraged now. He poked the sleeping dragon and on his own head be it.
“It wasn’t a pity kiss.”
“You held back. Why else would you hold back if you weren’t trying to spare my delicate feelings, huh? No, it’s the only thing that makes sense. So stop insulting me and let’s just call it what it is, okay?” She turns around, so completely done with this conversation and she begins to walk away. Surely he won’t follow her into her bedroom.
But he does. She hears his footsteps, God, she can practically hear him thinking from where she is.
“Stop trying to ignore it, Riley. We’re going to talk about this. You thought I was holding back because I don’t feel that way about you?” She refuses to answer, refuses to even look at him. “It didn’t occur to you that maybe the problem was that I have too many feelings for you?”
Her head whips around so fast that her neck cricks. “What?”
“Riles, I’ve been dying to kiss you for so many years that you, well, you overwhelmed me, okay? You always overwhelm me. I was… I didn’t want to do anything to mess it up.”
He heaves a humorless laugh. She can’t form words, not even in her own brain let alone make her mouth work. So he keeps talking. “Here’s my dream girl kissing me—at first I thought I’d just entered a strange waking dream or something, okay? Give a guy a break. And you know I’m not the quickest on the uptake, alright? We both know that.” He looks pained and Riley’s heart clenches in her chest. “I just didn’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. I thought maybe you just wanted to know what it was like to kiss me, or you were horny and I was the closest guy around or something. You didn’t mention that you felt that way about me and I didn’t want you to wonder a week, two weeks, two months from now ‘oh, well, I guess from that animalistic kiss that Danny might be passionately in love with me, how should I let him down?’”
“In love with me?” Her mouth dares to ask quietly, quite independent of her brain.
He freezes. His eyes dart around the room like they do on the ice, looking at his options. He comes to a decision quickly, though. “Passionately.” He’s resolute again, and she decides it’s a good look on him. Her favorite expression yet.
The tears come back. “How long have I been in love with you, Danny Wheeler?”
He crosses the room and takes her back into those big arms and she was wrong before. She thought when she left that roof that she would go home and sort herself out, but she left her home in that building. And it wasn’t the apartment. The only shelter she needs is his arms, and the only foundation she needs is his love.
He kisses her chastely on the lips and backs up to look in her eyes. “I can’t speak for you, but I fell in love the first time I put a hockey stick in your hand and you knocked me straight on my ass.”
Her eyes widen, but she isn’t surprised anymore. “I was twelve, Danny.”
“And I was fourteen, but that didn’t stop me from knowing I would marry you or I wouldn’t marry anyone.”
Riley smiles up at him, and she can see the relief written in every nuance of his body. He has no secrets from her, he only ever had one. “I think you’ll get married one day. One day soon.”
She pushes him over to her bed and there are no more words about it until the next morning when his entire family catches them still in bed.