Chapter Text
3:00 AM
we're all insane and gay!!
angryassgrape: who the fuck is blasting the most horrendous music at THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING.
wehwuhxiah: DO NOT DISRESPECT SHAKIRA LIKE THAT
wehwuhxiah: a-cheng???
wehwuhxiah: HWY DO I HEAR FOOTSTEPS
wehwuhxiah: WAITWAITWWAIAWIWAI IM SORRY A-CHENG IM SORRY NO WAIT I’LL STOP OKAY WA
—————
9:31 AM
fanlover3000: did i hear someone blast shakira, get brutally murdered, and go back to blasting shakira at like three in the morning
lwj: read up
fanlover3000: @wehwuhxiah please dont be dead i need help with my art project the professor was talking about simplicity BUT ION KNOW WHAT SIMPLICITY IS HAVE YOU SEEN MY CUNT ASS.
wehwuhxiah: SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL OWWWW OWWIIIEEEEEE OWWWWW
lwj: on my way
2:03 PM
angryassgrape: WHO TOOK WEIWUXIAN TO THE HOSPITAL I THOUGHT I FINALLY KILLED HIM FOR GOOD
wehwuhxiah: i dont plead guilty! and this time im lawyered up
angryassgrape: if the lawyer is lan fucking wangji im gonna have an aneurysm.
wehwuhxiah: [picture of lan wangji staring at what seems to be weiwuxian’s god awful seizure inducing cooking with a glint of fear in his eyes]
angryassgrape: WHY ARE YOU KILLING YOUR LAWYER
wxx: IM NOT KILLING HIM ITS JUST SOME SPICE HES A LAN HE CAN TAKE IT
angryassgrape: XICHEN ATE YOUR COOKING CAUSE HE WAS TOO SCARED TO SAY NO AND YK WHAT HAPPENED??
wehwuhxiah: HWAT.
wehwuhxiah: oh. i think i know what happened now
angryassgrape: did you just kill THE one and only lan wangji.
wehwuhxiah: @wenqing help needed!!
wenqing: im busy being an independent beautiful business doctor woman what do you want
wehwuhxiah: i accidentally killed lan zhan
wenqing: womp womp better lawyer up for this one lan qirens gonna kill you
wehwuhxiah: LAN ZHAN IS MY LAWYER
angryassgrape: sorry im back xichen said to “give him motivation”????
headlessfuck: kiss of fate
wehwuhxiah: MINGJUE??? KISS OF FATE??? BUT IM TOO PURE??
angryassgrape: SHUT CHO ASS UP DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE THINGS YOU HAVE SAID THATS BEYONF PURE
ningning: is anyone here in “ancient chinese history 101”? i need help with the homework if you have time
wehwuhxiah: OH MY GOD YES I’LL HELP YOU
wenqing: DIDI DO NOT TRUST THIS AWFUL EXCUSE OF A MAN IF YOU SEE HIM RUN OH GOD NO
wehwuhxiah: AM I NOT TRUSTABLE??
spoiledbrat: you blew up my room.
wehwuhxiah: you deserved it
angryassgrape: deserved
wen qing: deserved
yanli❤️: what’s deserved?
wehwuhxiah: OH MY GOD UHM THE SUN BECAUSE YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD SHIEJIE I LOVER YOU SO VERY DEAR!!
angryassgrape: “everything good” doesn’t refer to jzx right.
wehwuhxiah: why would you even think that im starting to think YOURE the crazy one
angryassgrape: YOU PUT A GLITTER BOMB IN MY FRIDGE CAUSE I SAID XICHENS THE BETTER LAN.
lxc: i believe that me and wangji are equal in most things!
wehwuhxiah: @lwj @lxc @angryassgrape campus cafeteria. tomorrow. three pm. full stops for drama.
angryassgrape: fucking hell whatever.
lxc: okay!
wehwuhxiah: so does anyone have remedies to death orr..????
————————
5:09PM
angryassgrape: what the fuck xichen wasnt lying they tied in everything now i need to drink my sorrows down or whatever they say
theft😍: i could win in a stealing contestuh
wehwuhxiah: WHO TOOK ALL 15 JARS OF EMPERORS SMILE FROM ME.
theft😍: [photo of a table covered to the edges with emperors smile, along with a not so pleasant hand sign in the midst of it all]
wehwuhxiah: im coming for you
theft😍: im more alchohol than flesh and blood right now im seeing things or not i dont know
angryassgrape: like??
theft😍: your brtoher
angryassgrape: thats not a hallucination
theft😍: damn right it wasnt i have his phone now
theft😍: what the HELL his search histories all on methods of stealing??
lxc: wei wuxian, give xue yang his phone back please ^^
theft😍: OKAYYUH i’ll just take some of his stolen laptops as payment or whatever
angryassgrape: give me one or im bringing a dog into your room.
————-
9:56PM
lwj: i yraenn
angryassgrape: this is my 13th reason.
wehwuhxiah: so it turns out lans have REALLY bad alchohol tolerance
angryassgrape: yeah no shit
wehwuhxiah: chengcheng youre dating a lan WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS
angryassgrape: BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK YOUD BE THIS DUMB
wehwuhxiah: HO SHADDUP NOT MY FAULT IM TOO SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE
angryassgrape: im leaving.
lxc: whats this i hear about wangji getting drunk?
wehwuhxiah: HE JUST GAVE ME A FATASS PLUMP CHICKEN
lxc: oh!
lxc: good luck with that one!
wehwuhxiah: NO NO NO
—————
wei wuxian looked up from his phone to look at lan wangji, who was currently lying on his back on the floor, holding up a chicken as if it was his key to heaven.
he couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh as he walked over to where lan wangji was lying down, said man’s face filled with regret and devastation.
“lan zhan.. i know im your one and only beautiful and amazing and wonderful and delectable best friend, but i cant just keep a chicken in my apartment!”
wei wuxian couldnt hold back his smile as he scolded lan wangji, who’s face only filled with more despair. tears pooled up at the rim of his eyes as he gazed at wei wuxian with slightly widened eyes.
“wei ying…”
and then the waterfalls released.
at first it was just one tear, but soon after came the whole ocean.
what the fuck??
wei wuxian hadnt ever seen lan wangji cry and he definitely hadnt expected it to be over chickens of all things. where did he even get a chicken from so fast anyway??
“wait no- lan zhan its not that bad! here, do you want my keys or- or my hair tie?? or this ring from xue yang’s stash??”
the waterworks finally stopped when wei wuxian mentioned the ring. sitting up, lan wangji literallly SNATCHED the ring from wei wuxian’s hands and proceeded to take the other one in his own. he — although recovering from the damage he had just experienced from being rejected — slid the ring onto wei wuxian’s finger and started giggling.
wait.
GIGGLING?? from THE lan wangji??
wei wuxian stiffened like a statue as he watched lan wangji — yes, the lan wangji who never smiled nor express any emotion — giggle like he had just confessed to a crush in middle school.
jesus lord save him.
picking up his phone, wei wuxian could only reach out for help from the (somehow) only man who could fix this. his fuckass brother.
———
chengcheng!!
wehwuhxiah: haha so quick question
didi what.
wehwuhxiah: what does lan xichen do when hes like drunk
didi: wei wuxian what has happened in the past 5 minutes youve stopped texting.
wehwuhxiah: hes giggling and its kindaa
didi: you have a fat crush on him.
wehwuhxiah: NO
didi: are you denying being gay you cunt
wehwuhxiah: BIGGER NO.
didi: im actually so tired of yo bullshit because the way your spark returns when he enters the room does NOT go unnoticed
wehwuhxiah: IM JUST HAPPY TO SEE HIM
didi: yeah like a DAMN HIGH SCHOOL GIRL IN LOVE.
wehwuhxiah: IMLEAVING
———
jiang cheng was useless. as expected from his shidi.
turning around, he could only accept his fate as he faced his (hopefully) future husband
“jiang chengs a damn fucking lobotomi- wait lan zhan yo where’d you- WHAT THE FUCK LAN ZHAN??”
———
wehwuhxiah: [an image of lan wangji, asleep on wei wuxian’s bed hugging a chicken while drooling all over his rainbow unicorn patterned pillow]
wehwuhxiah: thanks for the help.
wehwuhxiah: im never washing these pillow sheets again 😍 hes kinda growing on me as a drunk
didi: how about you never talk to me again.