Work Text:
wei wuxian was - to say the least - going to die.
not literally, of course! but jiang cheng was chasing him around the campus the same way he chased the mcdonalds when the big mac supreme came out (fatass).
“YOYOYOYO LISTE-“
“WEI WUXIAN I’M GOING TO HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE”
wei wuxian’s legs ran like a dog was chasing him, in which the dog in this case is jiang cheng who’s out for his blood, flesh, and tears.
3 hours prior..
———
“my lan-er gege is soooo sweet! the other day he-“
“wei wuxian this is the 50th time you’ve brought up lan fuckass fat wangji up.”
mocking a dramatic gasp, wei wuxian appeared visibly offended. but again, he was probably just mulling over what to do lan wangji's apartment for the 20945th time that day.
“well not like xichen-ge’s any better than lan zhan!”
“hes older, stronger, funnier, more beautifu-“
“they look the EXXACCTTT same???” wei wuxian couldn’t help but cut him off.
“BITCH DON’T CUT ME OFF I KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT IM SAYING.” jiang cheng yelled at wei wuxian, his face starting to distort with his “HOE WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME??” face.
wei wuxian couldn’t help but tease his brother whenever he got pent up over minor issues like this, but this time he faced big consequences.
“aiyo meimei! tsk tsk, how are you gonna attract your only true love, xichen-ge, with that face of yours contorting like an ugly swan- OW THE FUCK??”
out of seemingly nowhere, jiang cheng had pulled out a whip out of nowhere. like an actual bright purple whip that looked like it could kill you within 5 lashes. although wei wuxian didn’t usually fear his brother, this time was reallyy different. he jumped off of the couch and sprinted out of the apartment for the sake of not you know, FUCKING DYING.
“MEI MEIIII!!!!”
———
just as wei wuxian’s legs were about to give in from relentlessly being chased by his brother for what felt like an hour, he had noticed a figure dressed in all white, as if they were going to a funeral for (hopefully) professor yao. squinting his eyes, he had realised it was his true love, the man he admired, the man he would dream of every night on that dih, “LAN ZHANN!!!!!”
loud ass bitch.
turning around, lan wangji slightly (which would be EXTREMELY on a normal person) widened his eyes at the sight of wei wuxian being chased by a bright red, tomato looking, period pad colored jiang cheng. he then suddenly felt a heavy weight on his right shoulder and before he knew it, wei wuxian was fucking sitting on his shoulder. looking at the rage induced jiang cheng, his one instinct was to of course, run.
run to where exactly? anywhere BUT jiang cheng’s direction.
“RUN TO XICHEN-GE’S APARTMENT!!”
nevermind. to lan xichen’s house it is!
———
running with wei wuxian on his shoulder wasn’t an easy task, especially not in the middle of a parade. looking back, lan wangji had seemingly lost jiang cheng in the large crowd, but still kept running anyway. although, it would be hard to get through such a thick crowd whilst being hunted down. his solution?
jump.
lifting himself up whilst supporting wei wuxian on his shoulder, lan wangji started running on peoples damn heads like they couldn’t feel his heavy ass using his dirty ass shoes to STEP ON THEM. however, this is lan wangji we’re talking about, who’s a freak of nature and probably came out of the womb wrong, so he somehow made himself get through the crowd in one. minute.
———
lan wangji made it to his brothers apartment in an impressive total of 3 minutes, which could’ve been faster if wei wuxian wasn’t lounging on his damn shoulder like a fatass parrot. putting in the door code, lan wangji burst in and shut the door tight.
“wangji? wei wuxian?”
his brother looked up from where he was sitting on the couch, holding a xianxia novel, but that wasn’t important right now. lan wangji set his love to the ground and without warning, walked over to the fridge, put his hands on both sides of it, and lifted that shit up like how his dih did with wei wuxian. he then proceeded to walk over to the door of the apartment and set the fridge down, completely blocking the entrance.
unbeknownst to him, jiang cheng was born with the strength of pure, unfiltered and unstoppable rage.
before he knew it, lan wangji watched as jiang cheng knocked both the door AND the fridge to the ground, making everything inside of it either spill or break. it was fine, he could probably just buy a new fridge for his brother. looking up at jiang cheng, who had a particularly dangerous aura around him, he started to slowly back away, not wanting to face the wrath of his damn (future) brother in law.
“wanyin?”
as if xie lian himself had decided to spare his very little good luck, xichen finally broke out of his daze to say something. jiang cheng’s face went from “IM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE YOU KNOW INCLUDING YOURSELF” to “i’m bricked up.”
“my fridge…”
wei wuxian, jiang cheng, and lan wangji had all looked at the fridge that lied flat near jiang cheng’s feet, and then looked back at lan xichen, who looked at them with the fucking saddest puppy looking eyes ever.
what had they done.
they all mourned for lan xichen’s fridge in awkward silence for 5 minutes, until jiang cheng finally spoke up.
“i'll give five thousand.”
“wanyin, what?”
“i’ll pay for the fridge, the food, and leave more money for you cause i just got a raise.”
all said while he looked like HE wanted to be reinstalled.
“wanyin..”
sensing the upcoming makeout scene (which also WILL lead to more), wei wuxian and lan wangji shuffled away like michael fucking jackson's ahh and closed the door to the apartment. looking at eachother, the couple burst out in laughter (lan wangji actually breathed out of his nose a little more harder than usual and smiled whilst wei wuxian had to use the damn wall as SUPPORT.), having to catch their breath as they realised what they had just been through.
“lan zhan..at- pfft, at nine in the morning too!”
“mn.” lan wangji hummed, with a visible smile on his face.
———
“so does this mean lan zhan’s the better lan?” asked wei wuxian the next morning
“im gonna give you a five second headstart to plan your will.”
“NAH NAH NAH CAUSE I WAS LOWKEY JOKING YO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? AHAH!!”
“4.”
“NONONONO PLEASE CHENGCHENG NONONO-“