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Christopher has always secretly loved when people mistook Buck for his dad. He never said it out loud. Not to Eddie. Not to Buck. Definitely not to anyone else.
But every time someone smiled at them at the zoo and said “Your son is adorable,” Every time a teacher assumed Buck was Mr Diaz, every time automatically corrected people with a soft, “Actually, I’m…” before Chris could pretend for a second longer.
Christopher loved it. Because Buck chose him. Every single day. He was his Buck.
And maybe it shouldn’t matter so much. Maybe at 16 he should’ve outgrown the warmth in his chest every time Buck ruffled his hair or called him Superman. But Buck had been there through everything. His mom dying. The tsunami. His dad getting shot. Through the nightmares and hospitals and bad days.
Buck stayed. Buck chose him. Which was why this shouldn’t hurt so much.
-
“Okay, this is actually terrifying.” Hen points across the backyard with her drink in hand, looking between Theo and Buck with narrowed eyes.
The core 118 team, partners and kids had gathered at Buck’s for a Welcome Home, Theo party. It had been 4 weeks since Theo was placed with Buck, and Buck felt they were finally settled into a good routine to have everyone over.
“What?” Buck asks.
“You make the exact same face,” Hen says through a smile.
Buck squints, watching Theo kicking a soccer ball with Jee. “No we don’t.”
“You literally just did it again,” Chimney says.
Everyone laughs. From across the yard, Theo beams at Buck. Buck smiles back.
Christopher is keeping to himself. It’s different lately. Buck is lighter. He’s careful in ways he isn’t usually. Buck was trying so hard to make things feel normal, on the phone late at night with Eddie. Conversations on parenting go on for hours. Christopher could only ever catch snippets. But enough to know that Buck was really trying.
He watches as Buck tosses a balled-up napkin at Theo and Theo fires one right back without hesitation. It’s easy and natural. Matching curls. Matching. Everything. Chris was excited for Theo. Helping his dad and Buck shop for clothes and toys. But now. It felt different. Real.
“Seriously,” Ravi says, “he’s literally Mini Buck.”
Buck groans loudly. “You are all dead to me.”
Chris laughs because everyone else does. But something twists low in his stomach anyway. Mini Buck. Buck’s kid. His actual kid. His dad had explained it to him, Buck was Theo’s parents' donor because they asked him to be.
Eddie sits down next to his son, nudging his shoulder lightly. “You okay, mijo?”
Christopher shrugs him off. Eddie’s eyes narrow for half a second before Maddie starts asking Theo about his daycare, the conversation moving on before he can push.
Sinking further into his chair, Christopher just watches.
Theo looks like Buck. Not just a little. Not in the vague way people say kids can resemble adults. Theo looks like him.
Same smile, same expressive eyebrows, same tendency to talk with their hands when they’re excited. And Chris suddenly hates how much space that takes up in a room. Because people used to look at him and Buck together and see something there too.
Not biology. But something close enough.
-
The first time Buck notices something’s wrong is movie night. Their fortnightly tradition looks slightly different now that Theo is with them. More cartoons, earlier finishes. And Chris is missing. Which is stupid, because Christopher never misses movie night.
Buck knocks on Chris’s bedroom door before pushing it open slightly. “Hey, Superman. We’re starting.”
Chris doesn’t look away from his phone. “Not really in the mood.”
Buck stares at him. “Everything okay?”
“Yep.”
Buck stands there another second. Christopher can practically feel the confusion radiating off him. Usually Buck would push harder. Tease him into joining him and his dad. Dramatically complain about abandoning tradition.
Tonight he just says quietly, “Okay, let me know if you change your mind.” then leaves.
Christopher stares at the closed door for a long time after. Through the wall he can hear Theo giggling at Buck calling him Spiderman.
The sound settles heavy in his chest as he slips his headphones on.
-
It gets worse after that. Not all at once, but little things start to change.
Chris starts eating dinner in his room more often. Stops automatically sitting beside Buck on the couch. Answers questions with shrugs or one-word replies.
And it makes it worse, because Buck keeps trying.
“Want help with your homework?”
“Nah.”
“You cracked that level in your zombie game yet? Thought maybe we could-”
“I’m busy.”
“You want to go to the aquarium on Sunday?”
“Ask Theo.”
The words come out sharper than Christopher means them to. Theo’s a sweet kid, who like Chris has lost a parent. But in Theo’s case, he lost both of them. Yet Chris just can’t shake this feeling.
Buck pauses in the doorway. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Christopher shrugs without looking up from his homework. “Nothing.”
“It didn’t sound like nothing.”
“Well maybe you should spend less time analysing me, and more time figuring out Theo’s daycare forms.”
Instant regret. Buck flinches as though Chris actually hit him. And Chris hates himself for noticing.
Buck’s voice stays calm anyway. “Chris, I-”
“I said it’s nothing.”
He grabs his books and walks away before Buck can stop him. Behind him silence fills the kitchen. He didn’t mean to snap at Buck. He just doesn’t know how to stop feeling like this. Feeling replaced.
-
Eddie corners him three days later.
Christopher is sitting on the couch, pretending to do homework when Eddie lowers himself onto the coffee table in front of him. The expression on his face reading serious dad talk incoming.
“Okay.” Eddie says. “Talk.”
Christopher keeps writing. “Don’t know what you mean.”
“Buck’s worried about you.”
That makes guilt flare hot and ugly in his stomach. “Why?”
“Because you’ve barely looked at him in two weeks.”
Chris shrugs. Eddie watches his son carefully. “Are you mad at him about something?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
Christopher swallows hard. The thing is, it sounds ridiculous out loud. Buck isn’t his dad. He knows this. But he was always his Buck. Just his. The jealousy clawing around inside his chest.
“If you had another kid,” Christopher says quietly, not meeting his father’s gaze. “Would you love me less?”
Eddie places a hand on Chris’s shoulder, making him look at him directly. It’s a move Chris has seen him use on Buck for years. Looking at his dad, Christopher doesn’t see any confusion. Only understanding. Which makes it worse.
“Christopher,” Eddie says softly.
“I know it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.”
“Yes it is.” his throat burning as he has to admit it out loud. “Theo’s his actual son.”
Buck’s actual son. Biological. Not honorary. Not basically. Not almost. Real. Christopher knows that Buck isn’t Theo’s dad. Understanding enough of what his dad had told him. But it doesn’t change biology.
Eddie leans forward slowly. “Hey. Listen to me.” His voice is steady and gentle, using a tone he reserves for Chris and Chris alone. “Buck loves you more than anything.”
“But he chose me before,” Christopher whispers.
And there it is. The real problem. It wasn’t rooted in petty jealousy. Choice means that someone can stop choosing you.
“Oh, mijo.”
-
The fight happens four days later.
Buck was supposed to pick Christopher up from school. That’s all. Simple.
Except, Theo had a panic attack at daycare across town after another kid says something cruel about foster care and Buck’s phone dies halfway through the chaos and suddenly Christopher is sitting outside school for forty minutes waiting.
By the time Eddie gets there instead, Christopher feels hollowed out. Buck shows up at their South Bedford house an hour later looking wrecked, Theo in tow.
Eddie, sensing the pending explosion. Grabs Theo and takes him outside.
The second Christopher sees Buck, anger explodes in his chest.
“Chris-”
“You forgot.”
Buck exhales sharply. “I know, I’m so sorry.”
“You said you’d be there.”
“I know, I just-”
“But Theo needed you.” Chris says. It’s not an accusation, just a statement of fact. Theo needed Buck and Chris was forgotten. He hates the guilt that flashes across Buck’s face.
“It wasn’t like that.”
Christopher shrugs it off. “Sure.”
“Christopher.”
“What?” he snaps, finally looking at Buck. “You have your own kid now, obviously he comes first.”
Buck recoils slightly as though Chris just slapped him. Eddie’s voice carries from outside as he loudly keeps Theo occupied. Buck opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
Then suddenly all the awful feelings Christopher’s been choking on for weeks come spilling out.
“People used to think I was yours,” he says, voice shaking. “Remember?”
Buck’s expression crumbles. “Chris-”
Chris doesn’t let him talk, interrupting him. “But now you actually have a son.”
“Stop.” Buck tries. And fails. The words are falling out of Christopher.
“And he looks like you, and acts like you and everyone is talking about it and-”
Buck steps closer desperately trying to comfort him.
“You don’t need me anymore!” Christopher’s words bouncing through the room. Hitting every wall and falling sharply at their feet. His breathing turns shaky. Buck just stares at him. Devastated.
“Oh, buddy.” Buck whispers.
Chris’s eyes burn instantly. “I didn’t mean-I just-I-”
“Yes you did.”
Christopher’s heart breaks. Because he did mean it. Buck didn’t need him anymore. Which meant he didn’t need to be a part of his or his dad’s life. Part of their family.
“Chris, I need you to hear me right now.”
He can’t look at him, but Buck keeps talking anyway.
“Theo is only my son because biology made him mine, but I’m not his dad. Connor is.” he says. “You’re mine because love did.”
Christopher is stunned. They’d never acknowledged the weird dynamic they had. Buck was more than just his dad’s best friend. He was Buck. His Buck. But how does a teenager explain that to people?
“I never chose Theo over you.”
“But you have him now.”
Buck’s face falls. “Christopher.” he says, voice catching. “I have always had you.”
Tears finally spill down Chris’s face, fogging up his glasses. Buck moves carefully, like he’s approaching something fragile.
“You know what the best thing that ever happened to me was?”
Chris shakes his head.
“Meeting you.” Buck says. “I loved you before I helped Connor and Kameron with Theo. And him living with me doesn’t change a single thing about what you are to me.”
Christopher wipes angrily at his face. “But he’s really yours.”
Buck’s eyes go shiny. At the end of the day, in a very simplified world. Chris is right. Theo is biologically his.
“So are you.”
The pair stayed silent for a while, sitting next to each other on the couch. It could have been two minutes, it could have been twenty-five.
The patio door swings open followed by loud little footsteps.
“Buck! Buck! Look what me and Eddie found!!”
Christopher startles. Theo barrels into the living room, cheeks pink from running around. Eddie follows at a much slower pace, one eyebrow raising as if to ask if everything was okay.
Theo comes to a stop when he notices Christopher crying. “Oh.”
Buck quickly wipes at his face and holds out a hand. “C’mere, little man.”
Theo climbs onto the couch beside Buck without hesitation. A weirdly shaped rock clutched in his hand.
“Chris is sad?” he whispers, loudly.
Christopher huffs out a watery laugh despite himself. “A little.”
Theo studies Buck and Chris for a second before holding the rock out to Christopher.
“I found you a dinosaur nugget.”
Christopher blinks. “A what?”
“It looks like a dinosaur nugget,” Theo pushes the rock into Chris’s hand confidently. “I kept it for you.”
The rock looks nothing like a dinosaur or a nugget or any combination of the two words. But Christopher’s chest aches anyway. This little boy, so happy.
“Thanks.”
Theo smiles, satisfied. Completely unaware of everything that happened before he ran in. Then because he’s four, and incapable of sitting in silence. He proudly looks up at Buck and announces:
“I told Eddie you make the best pancakes.”
Buck gasps dramatically, “We weren’t supposed to tell Eddie! Then I have to make all the pancakes for everyone.”
Eddie snorts from the doorway. Christopher rolls his eyes automatically. “You do that anyway.”
Theo giggles loudly, climbing halfway in Buck’s lap. And without thinking about it, and without hesitating. Christopher leans into Buck too.
Buck’s arms come around both of them instantly. Easy. Natural. Like there’s room for both curly haired boys there.