Chapter Text
How the hell was Bob supposed to handle this? He didn’t know how to deal with the news that Mel was getting a divorce! Mel had called him five minutes before he was supposed to be on Krusty’s show, sobbing through the phone about how his wife did not want their son to see him getting humiliated on television. She was also apparently forcing him to get a new job if he wanted to stay with her.
Bob put down the blueprints for the new dam he was helping his brother build (the first one collapsed in an unpleasant incident) and made his way over to the couch. He clicked the remote, and the TV flickered to life. Bob remained on the phone with Mel up until the last moment before he appeared on screen, reassuring him.
Mel quickly hid the phone as Krusty walked into the room to tell him he had to be on. He knew this was wrong. The abuse. The torture. But he had been enduring it for years! Why should he quit and find a new job when he had been so successful? He thought this as Krusty strapped him to a child-sized chair and rolled it onstage.
”Hey, hey hey, kids! It’s me! Krusty the Clown, and I’m here with Sideshow Mel for our weekly early morning special!” Bob cringed as he saw his old boss on television along with his replacement.
“And, today,” Krusty continued, “we will be having callers dial in from all over the world! The caller with the best ideas on how to torture Sideshow Mel wins an unlimited gift card to Krusty Burger, and an extra special secret prize!” A large cart was wheeled onto the stage with buckets of various things from honey to feathers to rocks, all with the intention of humiliating Mel.
“Eeuuhhueur,” Bob groaned under his breath. He was getting flashbacks — the worst kind. Bob pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance until he realized he had a phone and was able to call the number on screen.
Without thinking, that was the next thing Bob did.
“And it looks like we have our first caller,” Krusty said.
“Hello, Krusty,” Bob said through his teeth. Mel immediately perked up.
“Hey, that voice sounds familiar!” Krusty said excitedly.
“Yes, this is Sideshow Bob.” He cleared his throat.
“What a nice surprise! Let’s say hello to my old sidekick, kids!” Krusty made his signature goofy laugh. At that point, Mel got an idea. Bob was distracting Krusty, so Mel decided to break free with the time Bob was buying for him. He looked into the camera and nodded desperately to signal Bob to continue, and then he used his teeth to start untying the ropes that bound his wrists to the chair.
“Ugh, Krusty! You do realize this abuse is wrong, do you not?” Bob questioned. “Mel has a family! They’re probably watching right now!”
Mel started untying the ropes on his ankles.
“Uh…Well…” Krusty started scratching his head. “You do have a point, but…Mel likes being my sidekick! Don’t you—OW!” Krusty yelled as Mel whacked him in the head with the kangaroo femur that used to be in his hair. Audible laughter was heard from the kids in the audience. Mel was faced with immediate regret.
“Oh, ye gods! What have I done?” Mel shouted dramatically. Krusty collapsed from the surprisingly hard impact despite Mel being a small man. He stood there in shock, slowly lowering the bone. “CUT!” he shouted.
Bob put the phone down and watched as an advertisement for Itchy and Scratchy action figures started to play. He buried his head in his hands. Never did he think a productive morning would be ruined by such a dramatic television segment.
Mel started weeping and wailing as an ambulance came and took Krusty. He tried to snap the bone in half, but his hands were shaking too much, so he put it back in his hair and started blowing into his slide whistle to calm his nerves. Oh, what an exhausting morning it had been.