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Latula suppressed a laugh as Mituna went off on another tirade, careful not to alert him or Aranea to her presence outside the window of the study. Aranea was having an especially difficult time putting him through his lessons today; Latula didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but she thought he might have caught a glimpse of her as she climbed the buttress to the roof. He seemed like the kind of guy who liked an audience for his obscene cockiness. The theory was farfetched, since the heir had hardly any reason to show off for an insignificant page that had just joined the court and usually didn’t give much of a damn for anyone’s opinion but the prince’s, but somehow, it made perfect sense to Latula. The thought made her smile.
“Latula!” someone hissed, and in her surprise she almost slid back down the roof. She glanced around and saw Porrim leaning out of a window several rooms away. Swearing under her breath, she scurried over before the two inside the study heard anything.
“Yo yo, whazzup up, Po-Po Ma?” she asked enthusiastically as she swung herself inside the room with Porrim. Porrim sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Latula, it’s just me. You don’t need to be so...”
“Radical?”
“...Yes, radical, whatever that means.”
“P-shaw, gurl, this is just how I roll!”
Porrim shot her a skeptical look that almost bordered on condescending, and she replied, “I’m fairly certain you put up this rad girl act for your knight’s sake.”
“The old bag? As if!” Latula said with a laugh, but when Porrim continued to scrutinize her with a raised eyebrow, she insisted, “Rad’s just how I am!”
Porrim sighed and, picking up her feather duster, asked, “How is your pagehood coming?”
“It suuuuckz!” Latula said, dropping into a chair. “The old bag is the least awesome knight they could’ve assigned me to! He’s harshing my grind like it’s his job!”
“Which it is,” Porrim said.
“Not even, knightz are supposed the raddest of the rad warriorz in the kingdom! The old bag’s basically been eating dirt for the last three decades of his life. And he’s trying to take this girl down with him!”
“I know my opinion as a lowly maid bears little weight, but I believe knights are supposed to carry themselves with some air of discipline and decorum,” Porrim responded with veiled sarcasm.
“That’s bogus! Knightz are supposed to be cool.”
“Have you considered that your disappointment in your training may have something to do with the failure of knighthood to live up to the grandiose expectations you’ve projected onto it as a result of your insecurities about the imagined or constructed shortcomings of your gender?”
“Wha—? No, come on, Porrim, why you gotta hate?”
“Am I wrong?” she asked. Smirking, she extended her feather duster and said, “Would you like to help me clean?”
“No way, cleaning is for squarez,” Latula said, grimacing. Porrim quirked her eyebrows at her and Latula sighed. “Okay, you caught me, Pornstarz. It’s just...there are so many haterz, you know? They all think girlz aren’t radical enough to bring the party to the court, let alone rock the warrior scene with spunk and style, but I could shred circles around the assholes in that guild blindfolded! And the old bag is the worst. It’s like he wants to squeeze the rad right out of me and send me back to some boring domestic lifestyle—no offense, Popito—and that’s just mad kinds of lame, you know?”
“Yes, that does sound like mad kinds of lame,” Porrim said. “But perhaps you would get further in your training if you toned it down a little. Strategize and play it cool, and then come out full force once you’ve taken a title.”
“No way, Rimjobz! I’m gonna be so outlandishly radical even the witchez in the mountains will fly over to give me crazy magical high fives,” Latula said. “If they think a rad girl like me can’t make it to the top with all my neurotic bullshit firmly out in the open, then they’re wrong!”
“Well...if you insist,” Porrim said, sighing. “Although you may end up being the oldest page in history if you do.”
“Nah, babez, I’m not gonna be a page for long,” Latula said. “I’m gonna be a knight by the end of the year! This shoveling horseshit buizness blowz.”
Latula frowned. “Doesn’t it take a couple years to finish training as a page?”
“Yeah, if you drool. But since I rule, I’m not gonna wait that long!”
“And how do you intend to speed up the process?”
Latula leaned forward and glanced at her over her red glasses. “Can you keep a secret?”
“I am a maid,” Porrim replied. “I know more secrets than you know exist.”
“Hellz yeah,” Latula said with a laugh. “I forgot that about you! Okay, so...this is gonna sound all sorts of devious, but don’t think about it too much! I’m gonna take the old bag to meet my hella sweet dragon.”
“Your dragon?” Porrim asked, and she narrowed her eyes. “For what purpose?”
“Aw man, don’t go taking it the wrong way,” Latula said. “I just wanna show off my crazy ride yo!”
“And again, for what purpose?”
“Well...I guess that depends how the old bag likes dragons!”
“You’re right,” Porrim said, “that does sound rather devious.”
“She won’t eat him unless he gives her a reason to,” Latula responded with a shrug.
“And then what? You can’t expect to be rewarded for murdering your knightly tutor.”
“I can if there’s an opening in the guild!” Latula said with a sly wink. “It wouldn’t be my fault if a dragon ate him. And besides, no one’s gonna miss him. He drools like an old man! Probably cuz he is one.”
“You’re unbelievable,” Porrim said. “I have to say, most people wouldn’t consider planning murder a very rad thing to do.”
“You said you’d keep it secret!” Latula said. “C’mon, Ma-yum, don’t go telling people about my backdoor shit.”
“Are you concerned about word getting out because you’ll be accused of plotting manslaughter or because your radical persona will be shattered?”
“You know how bad that’d throw off my style! The criminal shtick ain’t my thang!”
“You care far too much about your reputation,” Porrim said, sighing. “You are clearly strong, capable, and competent without all the affectations, and if you’re really so competitive that you’d literally arrange for the accidental death of your tutor to get ahead a bit early, you hardly need to lean on forced confidence to make people take you seriously.”
“You just don’t get it, Porrim,” Latula said. “Getting taken seriously is one thing, but being liked is a whole ‘nother stunt! Some people care about that sorta stuff.”
“Ah, so the truth is out.”
“Why you gotta be like that?” Latula complained. “You always have to cramp my style! I just wanna be rad in peace, yo!”
“I cramp your style because I honestly do not care if you’re rad or not,” Porrim said. “I like you when you are just being yourself and not beating yourself up over the number of ‘z’s that follow your words in each sentence.”
Latula thought about that as Porrim continued to bustle around and tidy the room, and after a few seconds, she said, “Hey, Porez...thanks.”
“Think nothing of it,” Porrim said. They both fell silent for another few minutes, and Porrim slowly moved towards Latula’s side of the room. She cleaned around Latula wordlessly until she had to start jostling her legs out of the way to finish her job. Glancing at her, she said, “Don’t you have something to do?”
“Probz.”
“Why aren’t you doing it?” she asked. “For that matter, why were you on the roof? And without your trick board, no less.”
Latula winked at her from over her glasses and replied, “I wuz spying on someone.”
“Oh?”
“Hey...you know all the mad gossipz, right?” Latula asked, leaning forward.
“I’m sure I know more than most.”
“Heckz yes! I got some hella gossip to ask you about!”
“About whom?”
“That crazy heir kid!”
“Mituna?”
“Yeah, I heard he has all sorts of shitty nightmares! What’s up with that?”
“Yes, he does,” Porrim said, pausing her cleaning while she considered the question. “His brain is apparently very psychically sensitive, and he hears voices. It’s worst when he’s trying to sleep, from what I’ve heard, although Prince Kurloz seems to be of some help to him.”
“Moirailz, am I right?”
“Yes, and good ones, too.”
“That’s whack!” Latula said, watching Porrim as she began moving about again.
“Yes, it is. It’s been the cause of some alarm, but apparently his kin has the same sort of problem, so there’s nothing to be done about it.” Porrim glanced at Latula. “Why do you ask?”
“Wha—who, me? Just trying to keep up with all the court gossip, stay in with the in-crowd,” Latula replied. “A rad girl like me has to know this shit.”
“And so you can act like you don’t know later and play it cool?”
“Damn straight, babez!” Latula said, laughing.
“Hmm...well, for the record, I approve,” Porrim said.
“You—aw, c’mon Porm! It’s not like that...”
“Oh, yes, I forgot about Kankri, didn’t I?”
“No, that’s...” Latula stammered, a slight teal blush peppering her cheeks. She grimaced and dropped back into the chair. “Ugh, it’s not gonna work, Merrygamz. He’s so square he’s almost a pentagon! Anti-rad to the max!”
“I heard Mituna likes your kickflips,” Porrim said, and Latula’s blush intensified fivefold.
“Who said—?”
“Be careful, Latula, I think your fallibility is showing.”
“Say what? No way, I’m so chill about this,” Latula said, straightening. “But...he thinks my kickflips are rad, huh?”
“Yes. Maybe, once you become a stunning knight, you can take him out and teach him a few tricks? He may like that more than his lessons with Aranea.”
Latula stared at Porrim, who winked at her. Slowly, Latula smiled, and she said, “Gurl, you are one crazy chick!”
“Me? I’m just a humble servant who spends her days cleaning and gathering Intel on court politics,” Porrim replied nonchalantly.
“Chyeah right! You just earned yourself some rad-credz, Maryaz!”
“Yes, well...perhaps you should go work on your rad-credz yourself? A knight is infinitely more radical than a page, after all.”
“Hellz yeah, one old guy dragon sandwich, comin’ right up!” Latula said with a whoop, hopping out of her seat. “High five!”
“Must I?”
“Don’t leave me hanging, Porzamz!”
Porrim sighed and grudgingly presented her palm, and Latula slapped it. “Woo hoo!” Latula shouted, hopping out of the window and sliding with pizzazz down the roof. Porrim watched her leap onto the buttress and parkour her way down the castle. As soon as she was out of sight, she tidied the chair Latula had been sitting in, finally finishing with the room.