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“There’s no one here,” Nepeta whispered, crawling catlike into the dark chamber through the window. “Are you sure this is the right purrlace...?”
“Yeah...or I thought it was...” Rufioh responded quietly, following her in.
“Wow, look at how nice all these things are!” Nepeta said with a gasp, eyeing the assortment of fancy objects that lay scattered about the room. She scampered to the bed and felt the thick fabric of the comforter. “Are you pawsitive we’re not allowed to steal anything?”
“For now, yeah,” Rufioh replied. “Sorry, doll.”
“If you’re not here to steal, then why have you come?” Rufioh and Nepeta both jumped as a shadowy figure stood from a chair in the corner of the room.
“Yo, dawg, you could’ve let us know you were in here,” Rufioh said, putting a hand over his heart.
“Why would I alert two young rogues to my presence as they were infiltrating my room?” Equius asked. “You would have gotten away.”
“It’s only purrlite to welcome guests when they come!” Nepeta said.
“You are not guests. You are rogues, and now I have captured you.”
“Yeah, right! We can leave whenefur we want, can’t we, Rufioh?”
Rufioh glanced at Nepeta nervously and turned to Equius, putting up his hands in submission. “Hey, I know what this might look like...” he said, “but we’re not here to steal. We were just looking for the Heir, that dude Equius...”
Equius considered the question before responding, “I am Equius.”
“No way!” Nepeta said. “But...you’re too young!”
“I’m six sweeps,” Equius responded, frowning.
“Yeah, purrcisely! Equius is supposed to be this big, burly, pompous butt—“
“What she means,” Rufioh said, covering Nepeta’s mouth, “is that we need your help with something.”
“Excuse me, but I would like to hear what the young lady has to say,” Equius said, eyeing Nepeta. “What am I supposed to be?”
Rufioh shot Nepeta a look and reluctantly uncovered her mouth. “You can’t call me young when you’re so young! We’re purractically the same age!” she said.
“It’s a polite form of address,” Equius responded, “although I’m sure a mere thief like yourself would hardly know of such things.”
“That’s because nobody really cares about stuff like that!” Nepeta said.
“I do.”
“Well, that’s stupid.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is!”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but...” Rufioh interrupted, and Equius straightened.
“Yes, of course. We will stop this foolishness immediately,” he said, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping his brow.
“Are you sweating?” Nepeta asked.
“...Yes.”
“Ew!”
Rufioh grabbed Nepeta and dragged her to the corner of the room. “Nepeta, remember the plan?” he whispered, and she grimaced.
“He’s lying, though! He can’t be Equius,” she whispered back.
“Maybe he is, though....”
“No way! He’s purrtending. Equius is supposed to be meowscular and smart!”
“He’s kind of muscular...and we don’t know he’s not smart.”
“But look at how creepy he is! Royalty can’t be that creepy. I’m pawsitive he’s a fraud.”
“I beg your pardon,” Equius interrupted, and they both jumped. He had crossed the room without either of them noticing and was listening to them as they spoke. “I am not creepy.”
“Yes, you are!” Nepeta said, leaping away from him.
“Okay, yeah, she’s right...you might be a little creepy,” Rufioh agreed, also backing away.
“Did you sneak into my respiteblock to insult me?” Equius asked. “I thought you said you need my help.”
“Yeah, we do,” Rufioh said.
“You do know that there is a procedure to request aid from the court?” Equius said.
“Yeah, we know that...we’re not really here to request aid from the court...besides, they wouldn’t let us in anyway...”
“Because we’re rogues,” Nepeta said. “We’re furbidden from entering the palace.”
“Yeah, so we thought we’d come straight to you instead...”
“Why to me?”
“Because we heard some really purromising things about you!”
“Did you?” he asked.
“Yeah, but now we know that it was all wrong.”
“Nepeta...” Rufioh started, but Equius held up a hand.
“Continue,” he commanded.
She paused and then crossed her arms. “Well, you can’t trust a purrson who wears sunglasses at night!”
Equius considered the point, and he took of his glasses. They broke in his grip. He grimaced and murmured, “Fiddlesticks.”
“That sucks, dude...”
“Don’t concern yourself about it. I own several pairs for such an occasion,” he replied. “Now, is this less creepy?”
He looked at Nepeta, and she stared at him openly for such a long time that he and Rufioh both began to feel uncomfortable. Finally, she said, “No, you’re still creepy. Why do you sweat so much?”
“I prefer not to talk about it,” Equius said with a sigh, clearly disappointed.
“Maybe if you cut your hair?” Nepeta suggested, reaching over and piling his hair on his head. She looked at him again and made a face. “No, nefurmind, it’s better the way it is.”
“You will not touch me without permission,” Equius commanded, moving away from her.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” Nepeta said. “I purromise!”
“I am far more likely to hurt you than you are to hurt me,” Equius said.
“Hey, dawg, let’s not resort to threatening each other...” Rufioh said.
“I was not threatening anyone,” Equius said. “I was merely explaining my concerns.”
“What concerns?” Nepeta asked.
“My concerns for why you should not touch me.”
“Are all the people of the court this purrsnickety?”
“Explain to me what you want my help to accomplish,” Equius commanded to Rufioh, ignoring Nepeta.
“Oh, right...it’s my kin...he fell, and now he’s paralyzed...”
“And what do you expect me to do about that?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be smart?” Nepeta asked.
“Yeah, we heard you were good with robotics, so...can you fix him?”
“Fix him?” Equius repeated. “Clearly you do not understand the extent to which I would have to busy myself in order to fulfill such a request.”
“See? He can’t do it,” Nepeta said.
“I did not say that I cannot do it.”
“If you had confurdence in your abilities, you wouldn’t hesitate to show them off!”
“You’re wrong. My confidence in my abilities is as STRONG as my confidence in my strength.”
“So why are you so afuraid to do it?”
“I am not afraid.”
“Yes, you are!”
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.”
“No.”
Yes.”
“I simply do not take requests from rogue flith,” he said.
Rufioh looked crestfallen. “Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of...”
“No, don’t let him push you around, Rufioh!” Nepeta said. “He can’t do that!”
“Yes, I can. Now, you will leave the way you came,” Equius said.
“No!”
“Yes.”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No, you have to help us!”
“Why must I help you?” Equius asked. “You are nothing but common outlaws whose existence is the bane of this kingdom’s law-abiding population.”
“That’s not true!” Nepeta said. “We help the people the court won’t help! We give money and food to people who really need it! You’re the one whose existence is the bane of this kingdom’s law-abiding population!”
“No, I am the Heir. I am the kingdom.”
“No, you don’t do anything for anybody!”
“Yes, I do many important things.”
“Don’t try to purrtend that pawlitics count for anything if you can’t even help one little troll not be paralyzed!”
“You are not part of this kingdom.”
“Yes, we are!”
“No, you are renegades.”
“Helpful renegades!”
“Vermin.”
“You wouldn’t help anyone if they asked!” Nepeta shouted. “You are the worst kind of purrson! No wonder you’re so creepy and unpopular!”
“Nepeta, you need to be quiet...” Rufioh said, trying to calm her down. “We can’t get caught now...”
“What would you do if it were your kin?” Nepeta demanded. “Don’t you care? Doesn’t it matter to you that you can help someone but you won’t because you’re too stubborn and pawful? You have the opurrtunity to make a diffurence to somebody, but you won’t because you think you’re better than everybody else!”
Equius paused, but he said, "It makes no difference to me."
“Well...it was worth a try...” Rufioh said, sighing.
“I guess everything they say about Equius the Heartless Heir is true,” Nepeta said. Rufioh put his arm over her shoulder and turned her towards the window, but as they were preparing to jump out into the night, Equius called out to them.
“Wait,” he said. “I...I will consider your request.”
“You will?” Rufioh asked, perking up.
“You must understand the gravity of what you’re asking,” he said, looking mostly at Nepeta. “The procedure is invasive and would require a long healing period. If he gets caught here, his affiliation with the rogues could result in his imprisonment. Unless we can contrive a believable reason for his presence in the palace, you will be endangering him as much as you would be helping him.”
“Oh, that’s...” Rufioh trailed off, growing disheartened again.
“We can do it!” Nepeta insisted, grabbing onto Rufioh’s arm. She turned to Equius. “You’ll help us, won’t you?”
Equius looked at her carefully, his uncovered eyes glinting in the moonlight streaming through the window. “...Yes,” he said. “I will help you. Remain in contact, but do not let anyone know of your affiliation with me. I will see what I can arrange.”
“Really?” Rufioh asked, dumbfounded.
“Yes,” Equius answered.
“Bangarang!” Rufioh said, and he turned to Nepeta. “Did you hear that, doll?”
“Yeah!” she said. “We’re going to get Tavros fixed!”
“I do have one condition,” Equius interrupted. They both turned to look at him. He cleared his throat and continued, “You will counteract the slander you’ve heard about me. Exterminate my reputation as the Heartless Heir.”
Nepeta and Rufioh exchanged glances. “I think we can do that...” Rufioh said, and Nepeta quickly agreed, “We can!”
“Excellent,” Equius said with an air of relief. “I will stay true to my end of the bargain, and I expect you will as well.”
“Yeah, I can dig that...” Rufioh said.
“We will be your secret anti-slander spies!” Nepeta said, grinning.
“That could be fun...you can add it to your role-playing scenarios...”
“Yeah!”
“However you execute the operation makes no difference to me,” Equius said. “I just need one final piece of information to ensure the success of this enterprise. How old is your kin?”
“How old?” Nepeta asked.
“He’s four sweeps now, I think...” Rufioh said.
“Excellent,” Equius said again. “Now, if you don’t mind, I must ask you to leave. I have work to attend to.”
“Thanks so much...it means a lot to us...” Rufioh said as he climbed out of the window. He grinned and dropped into the night.
“See you soon, Mr. Equius!” Nepeta said. “Don’t worry, we won’t let you down! But I think you should purrobably think about being more pawsitive in the future. People won’t like you if you’re a jerk, no matter how hard we try.”
“Perhaps not,” Equius said. He grimaced and admitted, “Although I’m not exactly the most sociable person. I...often have trouble understanding how to best relate to people.”
She looked at him in surprise, and she smiled. “Oh, I see! You’re just pawkward around people, and that’s why you’re a jerk!”
He opened his mouth to argue, but, reconsidering, closed it and frowned. “Yes, that might be one way to put it.”
“Don’t worry, we can help you with that, too!” Nepeta said. “If you want, I can make you the most generous, apurroachable purrson in all of Alternia!”
He examined her face for sincerity. “...Yes,” he finally said with a small smile, “that might be...nice.”
“Purrfect! Let’s be furends!” She winked and jumped out of the window, following Rufioh along the roof and down the castle walls.
Equius watched them fade into the night and turned, locating a spare pair of sunglasses before exiting his chamber. Swiftly and soundlessly, he strode through the dark halls of the castle, following the familiar path to the martial courtyard, where he spent much of his time grappling with the dummies he made for the knights. He crossed the courtyard and entered the knights’ hall, from which the knights’ apartments and the armory were accessible. His destination was the farthest respiteblock from the entrance, where the kingdom’s most influential knight resided. Karkat was one of the youngest knights, but his forceful and characteristically hot temperament had propelled him through the ranks until he was one of the most prominent members of the guild. His exploits were no less notable, although he had a reputation for falling into the most idiotic situations imaginable. As a result, he was paradoxically one of the most respected and most openly mocked members of the court.
Equius slipped into the chamber, blending into the shadows as naturally as a spirit. Karkat did not wake when he closed the door. Equius stood by the bed, shifting with uncertainty; he had hoped Karkat would wake when he entered, expecting Karkat’s battle-honed senses to alert him to his presence, but Karkat continued to snore. Now, Equius had to figure out how to wake him up without causing him bodily harm or unnecessary alarm. Actually touching him was out of the question. He always had a hard time controlling his strength, and the prospect of shaking someone awake wasn’t pleasant. He looked around the room instead. Perhaps he could lob something gently onto him...? But the room was mostly bare.
He sighed, considering whether it would be better to wait until the morning to talk to Karkat, but he knew that Karkat would be too loud to talk to about private matters if other people were awake to overhear. He surveyed the room again, searching for anything that could be useful in waking him up, and his eyes fell upon Karkat’s pillow. Several feathers were protruding from the thin fabric.
Equius snuck over and, as gently as possible, grabbed a feather between his thumb and forefinger and pulled it out. Once he had managed to remove it without ripping the pillow, he carefully stuck it in Karkat’s ear. Karkat swatted at it, and, to Equius’s dismay, hit his hand as well. Karkat’s eyes snapped open and he flew out of bed, spewing expletives.
“I’m terribly sorry,” Equius apologized, holding up his hands in placation. “I have an important matter to discuss with you. Due to my rudeness, I will even forgive you for swearing in my presence.”
“What in the nook-destroying fuck is so goddamn important that you couldn’t wait until morning?” Karkat demanded. “I have to deal with the court’s general incompetency from dawn until dusk every fucking day, and you would think I could get some peace in my own respiteblock for the sweet few hours I get before the sun comes up to shut my eyes and pretend I’m dead.”
“I cannot converse with you while you use such vulgar phrases. You will stop.”
“I can say whatever the fuck I fucking want in my own goddamn shithole of a respite-fucking-block, so you can piss the hell off.”
“...Well...then...I will allow it,” Equius said, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping away the sweat that was beading on his face. “It is crucial that we speak about this now. It is a matter of utmost secrecy.”
“What is it?”
“I was wondering if you would be adverse to taking a page.”